########## ########## #### ## ########## ########## ########## #### # #### ######## ##### ##### #### ## ##### #### #### #### #### ### #### #### #### #### ############# ######### #### #### ########### ######### #### #### #### #### #### ######### ######### ### #### #### ######### ######### ### ## #### ######## ######## ## # #### =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- ## =-=-=-= INTERNATIONAL INTERNET WRESTLING FEDERATION =============================================== Control Centre Report - May 21 1996 ----------------------------------------------- Welcome back to the IIWF Control Centre! I'm Tim Dross, and what a weekend we've had here in the IIWF. Today, I'll try and bring you up to speed on everything that went down at Coronation Clash, get comments from the new IIWF Champions, and preview next weekend's card... so let's get down to it! IIWF Coronation Clash Report ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Although my broadcast colleague, "Soundbite" Steve Roberts, and myself don't always see eye to eye on matters concerning the ring wars, one thing we most certainly could agree on was the incredible night of action we saw at the weekend, with the IIWF's inaugural PPV, Coronation Clash. What a night it was! Twenty-four men battled through a single elimination tournament to gain a spot in the triangle match finale to crown the new IIWF World Heavyweight Champion. As we all now know, thanks to the assistance of the Horsemen, the Outlaw walked out of the IIWF Coliseum as the man wearing the gold. Being the Horsemen, of course, Flare, Brad "Bodybag" Kinder and the Outlaw celebrated in style. Steve Roberts caught up with them at Chez Pierre: [Cut to a private room in a posh restaurant. The Horsemen, wearing tuxedos, are in their element surrounded by beautiful women, fine food, and attentive servants. Brad "Bodybag" Kinder smiles at the attractive redhead sitting next to him and raises a glass of champagne. Flare, with Miss Victoria Secret seated on one side and a stunning brunette on the other, smiles and flashes the Horsemen sign before letting loose a loud "Whooooooo!" In the middle, The Outlaw chats with two beautiful blondes, one on each side of him. The IIWF World Heavyweight belt rests on the table and one of the women rubs her fingers seductively over it before returning her attention to The Outlaw. "Soundbite" Steve Roberts, still wearing his tuxedo from Coronation Clash, enters with a camera crew.] Roberts: Gentlemen, I see the well-deserved victory party is already underway. Outlaw: You bet, Roberts. I'm glad you got the invitation since you were the only honest commentator in the arena tonight. Hey Smithers, pour Mr. Roberts some champagne. Roberts: Well, I'd be glad to join you after the intervi...(takes the glass). Well, okay, maybe just a couple of drinks. Outlaw: Aw, don't be so hasty, Steve. Here is a present from The Horsemen for your fine work tonight. (One of the blondes slides away from the table and cuddles up to Roberts, who smiles while blushing). Sounds like she might bite too, if you know what I mean, Soundbite. Roberts: Umm, yes, thank you. May I have your reaction to this exciting victory for you, Outlaw? You are the first IIWF Heavyweight Champion. Outlaw: First of all, this was an exciting victory for The Horsemen, not just me. When one of us raises his hand in victory, we all raise our hands. For the past two weeks we have been promising a Horseman victory. (He raises the IIWF belt and points to it). I think this proves that the Horsemen make good on their promises. We are the elite group in professional wrestling today and we took the title at less than full-strength. Roberts: Yes, what about a fourth member of The Horsemen? Outlaw: We've received hundreds of resumes. Mr. Flare, Mr. Bodybag and I have given each one consideration. I will tell you that Tony Starks was the most worthy candidate until he lost his cool tonight. We'll have to see how that affects his chances. I also saw a couple of other competitors tonight who might be Horseman material. We'll talk about that later. It's time to party tonight. [The blonde begins to blow in Roberts' ear] Roberts: And what a party it is! I can just feel the . . . um . . . excitement building in here. What about your first title defense? Outlaw: As you know, there will be no shortage of challenges. Well the line forms . . . outside. They don't allow riff-raff in Chez Pierre. (He suddenly sounds very businesslike). You thought locking my colleagues in a cage would stop our plan to rule the IIWF? All of you underestimate The Horsemen. Check the dark corners of every arena, fools. We'll be waiting there. Whether it's me, Bodybag, Flare, or Miss Secret, we'll be waiting with a way to win. This belt is here to stay. The Horsemen rule the IIWF! Roberts: Bodybag, what did you think of that loss to Kaufmann in the semi-finals? You don't look to devastated at the moment. Kinder: It's no problem at all. After all, the belt is in the Horsemen stable. I'll let you be the first to know that I'll be making a run at the Intercontinental belt. Then there will be two belts in our stable. Roberts: Really, you are a true force to be reckoned with, Mr. Kinder. Kinder: Thanks, Soundbite. You do a good job of making Tim Dross keep his mouth shut. If you'll excuse me now, I must leave for awhile [Kinder walks out with redhead and heads toward limo]. I'll be seeing you fellas later tonight. Oh how it's hard to be humble... Roberts: Mr. Flare, any comments for us? Flare: Yes, Roberts, one word: whooooooooo! [The party continues as Roberts leaves, chatting to his blonde companion. Fade] It seems that the Horsemen and their... ahem... lady friends made quite an impact on Steve late last Saturday night. He didn't surface until Monday morning, and when I saw him, he had a huge grin on his face. Rather like the Outlaw, in fact. Our new Champion will get his first chance to defend the title in two weeks time, against a challenger to be determined by IIWF President Daniel Spreadbury. We'll have more word about that in future reports. And it could just be that the challenger in question is one Tony Starks. He was not a happy man after Coronation Clash, as one of our interviewers found out: [Scene: While Outlaw and Dan still fight it out, a very upset Tony Starks has just entered the locker room area.] Interviewer: Tony, do you have any comments? Starks: Yeah, that lowbudget cowboy Outlaw has crossed the wrong man now, I dont care if he is a Horseman or what. You cost me the title. My undefeated streak. And you whipped me. Boy, you dont know what you are in for now. Interviewer: Wait a minute! I have just heard that Outlaw has won the belt! Starks: WHAT?? Hey bull, you are in deep trouble now. I want a Submission match with you very soon. Not this week, I am still in for the IC title. But, I want my ring savvy vs your no skills. You are mine. And look here, WHEN I win the title, I will take on all comers. I dont want no outside interference from your Horsemen. A submission match with your boys locked up in a cage so they cant interfer. What do you say, cowboy?? I say if you take it, you are a dead man. Peace. [Fade] Before we all packed up at the Coliseum on Saturday night, we took the opportunity to speak with some of the other IIWF superstars who had given their all in the Clash. Let's begin with Dan "Flash" Kauffman, who made it all the way to the finals, but was knocked unconscious by a shocking fall from the top turnbuckle onto a ringside table! Amazingly, he was able to give us this interview: [SCENE: "Soundite" Steve Roberts has just made his way back into the lockerrooms of the arena where Coronation Clash has just finished up. He is heading for the room of one beaten-up Dan Kauffman. But astonishingly enough, just before he gets to the door, Kauffman, on his own, comes out of the door and, bloodied and sweated, offers his hand to Roberts! Kauffman looks like he, and not the Outlaw, had won the World Heavyweight Championship. He also looks like a man that had just gone through a Vietnam War Battle:] SR: That can't be possible! How do you keep walking away from battles such as the one you just had? Dan: Actually, I didn't walk away this time. For once, I WAS knocked unconscious! I'm not used to that, you know. Now I've gone through tables before. But I've never done it while hitting my head on a timekeeper's bell. Quite literaly, the bell DID cost me the match! Not the Horsemen, and not anyone else. Those are just the breaks sometimes. SR: Do you even know what happened after you were knocked out? Dan: Yeah, I saw the tape. First off, it wouldn't have mattered if Starks or the Outlaw had pinned me, because I was a goner. Even I won't get up after that kind of a blow. But Outlaw, the three DDT's weren't neccessary at all. That proved to me one thing, Roberts. That the Outlaw figured I'd kick out if he had just made the cover after Starks' attempt. And that means that I've got the respect I wanted. Outlaw, you and I are going to dance again, when I get back to 100% health! And I don't care if you bring your whole family! Look in my eyes, Outlaw. They've got a new mission. That is to prove to everyone that Dan Kauffman can overcome even the Horsemen. SR: I'm going to go back to your Second Round match against the Deathbringer. Now this guy even gives me the creeps - yet you didn't back down. What are you, stupid? Dan: [smirks] Let me tell you how I can do that. I know that death will eventually come over me, as it does with every living creature. And I can accept that I won't be alive forever. Now, I don't believe that Deathbringer is unhuman. Maybe he does have some special ways. But maybe it is all for show and mind games, like Moondust uses. I don't allow mind games to affect me. Hence, the Deathbringer can only wrestle me, knowing that none of the other emotional tactics will work. SR: Deathbringer had his feet on the ropes when you pinned him... Dan: Yes, I realize that now. Deathbringer, one dance with you would have made most wrestlers avoid you again, granted. Well, I don't like winning in controversy. So in two weeks, when I am suffiently healed from my battlescars, I will step in the ring with you again, because it is only fair. SR: You WANT a match with Deathbringer? DAN: Now you know what kind of a wrestler I am, Steve. SR: Thank you for your time, Dan. [Dan nods and walks back in his dressing room] Okay, so he's a good athlete - but he still talks too much, Dross. [Fade] I'm pretty sure that another date with death is going to be on the cards for Kauffman. Let's go to the Deathbringer: [SCENE: Inside a mortuary. Deathbringer and the Coroner stand between several caskets] The Coroner: "Coronation Clash is over. What did we see? We saw some great match-ups, lots of brawling and battling, the destructive force of my Deathbringer... and we saw an undeserved new champion. Outlaw, celebrate each and every day as the champion, for you won't reign long. But at the moment our eyes are not focused on the gold, they are focused on you, Kauffman. I don't know whether you paid the referee, but that doesn't matter now. As everyone could see, my man had his leg on the ropes. He shouldn't have lost and you know it." Deathbringer: "Kauffman, at a first glance you seemed to be a brave warrior to me. Then during our match I felt your fear, but I also felt your hopes. Your feelings were stronger than those of most other mortals and I was almost willing to let your soul stay with your body. Almost. Your fears began to rise as I threw you around that ring. You suddenly comprehended you could only win by cheating. And so you did. You won that battle, but you did not deserve to. Kauffman, you know you cannot cheat fate, and you cannot cheat death. Not even the devil would dare to deceive me. You have felt the wrath of the reaper already and if it was not for the Coroner I would have taken you six feet under right away. But this way you are still alive. However, from now on your inner soul will be a wasteland and darkness is falling down on you. Prepare, to meet your maker!" The Coroner: "You heard it, Kaufmann. We hereby challenge you to a rematch. Will you accept? I doubt it..." [Fade] Oh, hang on there Coroner - I don't doubt Kauffman's heart for a second. That guy will jump at the chance to prove himself once more against the Bringer. Billy Shakespeare had to contend with the bizarre Moondust in Coronation Clash. We'll have more on the androgynous one later, but let's get comments from Billy first: [SCENE: A hallway in the Coliseum, shortly after the semi-final matches. An exhausted Billy Shakespeare slumps against a wall] Billy: Moondust, if there's one thing I can't stand, it's a scene stealer. This is the last time you'll ever...ever... upstage me. (He takes a moment to regain some composure) Just remember what I said to you in the ring...'cause what I said there still stands. (He stand, wipes sweat from his eyes) Lebec, Starks, don't for a moment think that what happened in the ring was an end to the story, merely the beginning of a new drama. Starks, that's two losses I owe you. "Showstopper", nobody asked you for an encore, but you took one. You've made this personal. [An IIWF assistant hesitantly appears. Tentatively he hands a pink envelope to Billy. Suspiciously, Shakespeare opens it, spilling glittering powder all over himself. He pulls out a note, reads it, and with an obvious loss of humor, drops it on the floor and leaves] Camera man: What does it say? Assistant: I don't know. Camera: Well, read it... [The assistant picks up the piece of pink paper and reads] Assistant: It's a quote from Ariel in The Tempest. It says: 'Where the bee sucks, there suck I' Camera: Yuck! [Fade] It seems that Moondust's obsession with Billy hasn't yet been put paid to. Maybe Moondust himself will shed some more light on this infatuation later on. One man who was unlucky in Coronation Clash was Altair. He took a bad fall from the ring and was eliminated from the tournament. However, in the upcoming battle royal, he's sure that his luck will change: [Scene: The offices of The Senator. Sitting at a table are The Senator, Altair, J.R.Metro and T.Rowe.] The Senator: Well, boys, it looks as though we had some trouble last time. Altair I told you to watch the little guy and keep him on the mat. Next week you will be in a Battle Royal for the Intercontinental Championship. I expect you to fight the best fight of your life that night. I also expect you will be a little wiser for the wear and tear on your body that you took. Altair: Well, Senator, I have no excuses for you. My training has picked up and I expect to be victorious this time. I have been studying the films from last time and I should have the knowledge needed to win. I expect a long and hard fought match. The competition here is the best in the world and when I am through I will be the last one in the ring - wearing the gold. The Senator: Altair, just keep up the training program and the rest will take care of itself. Now let's see, J.R. Metro and T. Rowe, you guys seem to get a little side tracked. I know the plan for the future was on your mind, and now you have brought out the time. J.R. Metro: The High Plains Drifters think they had an easy time with us last week. The fight has just begun. We want a match with them as soon as you can get it signed. T. Rowe: We want them in a cage, this way they will not be able to run out the back door. This is a cage match with the only rule there are no rules, and the only way to win is by submission by both members of the team. High Plain Drifters do you have what it takes to step into a match like this? I think not. The Senator: Boys, I will talk to the matchmakers - let's get this done. I will be at all of your matches from now on. I have resigned my seat in congress to devote 100% of my time to you and the quest for the gold. My only job now is making it happen. [We see all of the men get up and walk out the door. The Senator places a sign on his door. As the camera pulls in we see the words "This congressional seat is vacant. Forward all mail to The Wizard's gym." Fade] Tiger Claw turned a lot of heads at the Clash, not least because of his interference in Hakiro Matsuoko's matches. Let's get comments from Brian Lau, and some phoney interviewer: [SCENE: Brian Lau standing in front of the Tiger Claw Dojo with another Japanese man holding a microphone] Interviewer: Hello, people of the IIWF. My name is Kenny Tanaka. I am to be the official interviewer for Brian Lau from this point on. If you are to hear ANY words from this man, _I'LL_ be the one holding the microphone. My guest today is easily candidate for Manager of the Century, and recently took his man, Tiger Claw, to the semi-finals of the Coronation Clash on Saturday, May 18th. Mr. Lau, let me ask you: Do you have any comments about what transpired at the Clash? Brian Lau: Oh, you better believe I do... I see that Outlaw is the champion... Last I looked, the tournament was a SINGLES elimination tournament! Horsemen, you'd better get that belt triplicated, because it was three of you who beat my man, Tiger Claw... You obviously needed to gang up on him to win that match, since he clearly showed his superiority in his previous matches. I know there's a lot of people after you, Horsemen. That's why our quarrel can wait . But be sure of this... You haven't heard the last of Brian Lau and Tiger Claw. Kenny Tanaka: Now, to my knowledge, how have something to say to Hakiro Matsuoko after his cowardly attack on you at the Clash. Biran: Oh, yes... Hakiro... Aren't you tough? Beating up on a manager... I'm not a skilled combatant like yourself. Instead, I use my wits to get warriors ahead in the world... After the Horsemen robbed my man at a shot for the title, I was politely debating with the referee about his decision. Then YOU had to come down and beat me up... Brave man. I can see that I was wrong about you. You don't have any potential for the warrior soul. A true warrior would NEVER attack a person for no reason. Not only did you refuse my offer, but you have to jump me for no reason? What quarrel did you have with me and Tiger Claw? I can't say for sure... But you ARE going to pay. You will FEEL one of the ways of the warrior... The way of VENGEANCE! I'm challenging you to a martial arts challenge. Full contact, wrapped fists, 3 rounds of 3 minutes each, wins by knockout. I suggest you get a corner man, because you'll need him to get you through this in one piece. I realize you have no honor, but if you are at all a man, you will accept this challenge. Kenny: A martial arts challenge? This should be good... Of course, I'm already confident that Tiger Claw will win, as he is the better man. Brian: Of course! Kenny: What are your thoughts on this weekend's battle royal to crown the new Intercontinental Champion? Brian: Well, Tiger Claw's semi-final match in the Coronation Clash was a battle royal, so what's the difference? Three men were beating on him in a singles match... Four if you count Matsuo... What's the difference here? Tiger Claw is training to meet more than one man. Right now he is sparring in the Dojo behind us with large groups of men... I have no doubt that he will be succesful. Would you like to see him train? Kenny: Are you serious? You're letting me watch the almighty Tiger Claw to train in person? What an honor! Of COURSE I'll oblige! [Brian and Kenny walk through the large wooden double doors and go inside. They walk up to a ring to see Tiger Claw pummeling on 5 men. A few men stand at ringside watching and cheering whenever Tiger Claw scores a hit. Brian says something in Japanese and the men turn around. Upon seeing the camera, they attempt to hide their faces and walk into another room] Brian: Ummm... Janitors... I told them to get back to work... Anyway, back to the training... Look at how Tiger Claw is dominating these five men. [Tiger Claw dropkicks a man out of the ring] You see? When his mind is set, he can do what he wants. If he knows that he's going to be facing more than one man, he can do it. The only flaw in my plan at the Clash was that I underestimated the Westerner capacity to cheat. In this battle royal, it will be every man for himself... Just the way Tiger Claw likes it. By the time the card comes up, Tiger Claw will be training against 25 men, all attacking him. You never know what may happen. I want my man ready for anything! Tiger Claw will win this belt, and then use it to get to the Outlaw. One of the first people he will eliminate is Hakiro Matsuo... Mark my words, you are looking at a champion! Kenny: Well, there you have it. And believe me, what Brian Lau says carries a lot of weight, so if he says Tiger Claw will be ready, you'd better believe that he will! I don't envy you people in the Battle Royal... Kenny: Now finally, I would just like to ask you about your negotiations to bring in a few new faces... Brian: Oh, I'm afraid that I can't go into that now, as a settlement is far from being reached. Let's just say I'm negotiating with people in Asia and with the higher-ups at IIWF about some talent... That's really all I can say. Kevin: Well, Brian, any talent aligned with you MUST be the best. I have faith that this will be a great moment in IIWF history... Angel of the Sun? You'd better start training now for that challenge, because Tiger Claw has his sights on YOU... So long everybody! [Fade] The challenge of a martial arts match won't go unnoticed by Hakiro, I'm sure - but the match will have to wait until next weekend at the earliest. We'll be able to bring you more details of upcoming cards in our next Report, when we'll have an interview with the IIWF President. I had the honour of interviewing the Angel of the Sun myself. Let's go to his comments: [SCENE: the IIWF Interview area, Tim Dross is waiting for Hakiro.] TD: Welcome Hakiro Matsuoko! If your action at this past weekends Clash was any indicator, as I suspect it is, you are THE new force in the IIWF. How do you feel about the attack by Tiger Claw causing you the match? Hakiro: I am honored by your praise and by the response that I recieved from not only the fans but some of the other athletes here in the IIWF. When I go out, I seek to give the fans something they have never seen before. I would like to give a special thanks to Casey James, who came to my aid after I was attacked by Tiger Claw and also by The Horsemen. I am endebted to you and I shall pay you back three fold. Now, on to a more pressing matter. Tiger Claw, I fail to see why attacked me and cost me a title shot. You have done nothing but dishonor yourself, the sport you represent and your family. You have so much potential, why do you act like a mindless drone of Brian Lau? Do you not know self restraint? If you are a martial artist you must know respect. Your bloodlust will not take you to the top, only your self, what is inside you will. You must learn that. Have you no honor? I hope you shall see the errors of your ways and learn to be a man! Brian Lau covets me and that which we cannot have we destroy. You will not destroy me. Try if you want, but you will fail. [Fade] We sent Steve Roberts back after the Venusian Death Cell in the wake of the so-called "match" with Jack Haley at the Clash. Although the "Green Giant" is still apparently too traumatised by the attack of the VDC to offer us any comments, even the Cell himself seems eager to talk. Let's go to the pre-taped report: [SCENE: The Venusian Death Cell is in his private locker room. It has one thick metal door and padded walls. The jailer is standing by the cage in the corner of the room and the handlers are each holding one arm of the VDC. He has a smile on his face and his mouth is dripping with blood. 'Soundbite' Steve Roberts enters the room and the door is locked behind him. He looks apprehensive.] SR: So, Death Cell, good match, I thought you had it won. Then the ref counts a _very_ quick ten and you're counted out. It's disgraceful. [The VDC looks up at Roberts, as if he is about to speak, but the jailer jumps in.] Jailer: Look Mr Roberts, there's no point addressing this guy. He won't reply. SR: Well, I just thought that if I buttered him up a little, he'd be more willing to speak. I could swear he was just going to speak then. Jailer: No, you are wrong. He just wondered who you were, that's all. I'm pretty sure he can't speak as I told you before. SR: So, what did _you_ think of his performance tonight? I thought he was great! I'd have loved him to have sucked Hale...(jailer looks at him), sorry, that guy, dry. That would have been some impact! Jailer: Well, obviously, he's very happy about tonight's proceedings.... SR: Hold on, how do you know this? Can you speak Venusian or something? Jailer: Of course not. Can't you just tell by looking at him? SR: Well, I suppose so. It's just weird that you know all this stuff... forget it... Jailer: Well, as I was saying, he is very happy about the match and the fact that he got to drink some of this guy's blood. He is not at all injured and will be ready to wrestle again at the next card. As for who his opponent will be, well, I'm not too sure, but he wants to stay away from that Moondust guy (Roberts looks at him, inquiringly). Possibly a re-match with that giant will be on the cards, with no DQ, no count out, no time limit. Win by pinfall or submission only. SR (laughing): Presumably that would be a caged match, which would make him feel more at home! Jailer: Yeah, that's a good idea. Any chance of you getting that fixed up for us? SR: I'll see what I can do! This could be interesting. I wonder if Haley [VDC stands up and tries to wriggle free of his handlers. They restrain him, but decide to put him in the cage anyway] would agree to that or if he is too chicken. We'll soon find out, but my money's on him ducking out. Maybe I can get an interview with him some time. Anyway folks, we're out of time here, back to Tim Dross in the studio! [Fade] Of course, so far I've not mentioned the IIWF Tag Team Championship battle royal. Steamroller triumphed over the United Nations in the final matchup. Let's drop in on their celebratory party: [SCENE: Locker room. The champagne is flowing and exploding as Steamroller, Dave Albanese, and close personal friends of the new champions are celebrating their victory in the locker room.] Taylor: We told everyone (gulp) that we would win the titles, (gulp) and we did exactly what we said we would do. We don't care who we have to face, we will keep the titles, and make a name all over the world for the most important titles in the world. Brassow: That's right, brother. We will fight anyone. If those punks want a rematch, we'll be more than (gulp) than happy to flatten them again. If those crybabies would have read the rules, and used them, they might be giving the same interview we are, and they would be scraping our bodies off the ring. We have respect for their wrestling abilities, but they have no brains. Albanese: (POP) (gulp) I will put an open contract on the president's desk with our signatures on the contract, just waiting for two more punks to be flattened by the Steamroller. We don't care if we have to go into a cage. We don't care if we have to wrestle an hour, we are the champions, and until someone puts our shoulders on the mat, we will be. [Fade] And the team they defeated ended up in the hospital. Let's get comments from the United Nations: [Fade in on a city hospital where Kangaroo Carlysle is leading Jacques K. Vorkian and Tora Tora Tora out of the main entrance. Both members of United Nations look all the worse for wear, especially Vorkian, whose head is bandaged. They look quite upset to see the IIWF camera crew, but Carlysle whispers to them and greets the crew.] Carlysle: Well G'day, mates! I didn't expect to be seeing you so soon, but I suppose the fallout from Coronation Clash turned the whole bloomin' wrestling world on its ear. Me boys are going to be just fine -- no thanks to those putrid marsupials Taylor and Brassow. Jacques suffered some cranial bruises from the ring bell, but Tora's mask prevented any serious injuries to him. The doctors said they'll be as good as new by the end of the week. Tora: The end of the week, Steamroller. Do you know what that means? Yes, we heard President Spreadbury say we deserve a rematch and we thank him for his judicious ways. Like communism in the Soviet Union, you will go down. Like the Berlin Wall, you will go down. Like Saddam Hussein . . . you will go down . . . and the United Nations will be the ones to do it. The sooner the better, Taylor and Brassow. Let's get it on this weekend! Vorkian: Coronation Clash was to be a sparkling inauguration for a true international tag team -- The United Nations. We came to the IIWF relative unknowns, but everyone soon learned why Kangaroo Carlysle paired us up and they saw some of what he has taught us. The telegrams we received overnight from the fans, wishing us health and continued success, were an inspiration to us. They tell us that diplomacy is indeed the proper path. Carylsle: Yes, diplomacy works with true competitors, but even peaceful nations must use force at times. Steamroller, prepare to learn how it feels to have the weight of the entire world on your shoulders. And I will even accompany me men to the ring to prevent that sniveling platypus Dave Albanese from interfering. This weekend, Steamroller! Be ready! [Fade out as Carlysle and Tora help Vorkian into the back of a limosine....] We got word on Saturday night about a disturbance backstage at the IIWF Coliseum. I'll let one of our security men pick up the story: [SCENE: A large man in a too-small yello shirt bearing the IIWF logo and 'Security' written across it.] Griff: My name is Dennis Griffing, I'm head of security for Coliseum events. Shortly after the awarding of the tag-team championship belts I was alerted to a brawl in the men's restroom nearest the locker rooms. When we arrived on the scene, but before entering the premises, through the door we could hear mens voices saying "You hit me first" and "Did not". This continued on in the same vein for a short while. Finally we deemed is safe to enter. The floor was littered with papar towels, soap, and a battered trash can. There were also a number of foreign objects that are were not original to this room. These included a chair leg, a fire extinguisher, and a sign reading 'Balcony'. At first we saw nobody, but were soon alerted to the presence of two men by their legs sticking out of one of the stalls. These men were later identified as the wrestling team known as The Alphabet Boys. The smaller of the two men was seated, slumped against the wall. The other was leaning across the commode. The smaller mans wrestling mask was askew, and dripping wet. We assume that he had spent some time head first in the facility. At first they ignored our arrival, but soon the one with the wet mask asked "Did we win?" the other echoed "Yeah. did we?" After saying this he fell backwards, cracking a floor tile with his head. Advised not to interfer with wrestlers, we left the two and taped the door shut, disappojnting a number of fans who were waiting in line to relieve themselves. It is now five hours later, and the tape has not yet been broken, it is unknown whether the wrestler's are still inside. [Fade] Those Alphabet Boys are crazy, crazy guys! Slightly less crazy are Rising Sun Revolution. Let's go to an interview conducted once more with Steve: [SCENE: Hiroshi and Ryudo are training in an empty gym near their hotel. Hiroshi is holding a kickbag steady while Ryudo practises his kicks. Ryudo hits the bag one more time, hard, when 'Soundbite' Steve Roberts steps into the gym.] SR: Hey there! Mind if I have a few words? RK (turning around): No, not at all! We had a few things to say anyway. SR: You're looking cheerful, considering how close you came to reaching the final.... RK (smiling): Well, there'll be other chances. Sure we're disappionted, but it's done. We've got to focus now on winning as many matches as we can, and working our way back into title contention. SR: You'll be competiting against tough teams like the Alphabet Boys and the High Plains Drifters for that shot, you know... [Hiroshi says something, and Ryudo laughs.] RK: He said that Abie and Zed worry him: He said if they got the titles, they'd probably eat them!! I know there's a lot of tough competiton out there, but the Dragon and the Demon are going to take the tag scene by storm. Steamroller, keep an eye on us, because were hot on your heels! SR: Well, even after their bad luck at the Coronation Clash, this team still haven't lost any of their spirit. Back to you.... [Fade] And in fact, the Rising Sun Revolution could have a match on this weekend's card. We'll get confirmation of that when we speak with the IIWF President later in the week. Finally, for now, let's get comments from that true American hero, Casey "Whitebread" Jones, who is ablaze with the inner fire of righteousness... or something: [Shot opens with Casey James standing in an empty courtroom] Casey: This is truly a place of wonder... The place where American justice is dealt out evenly, fairly, and strongly... This is the place where my beliefs are rooted... You've got to love it... I have spent my whole life knowing that as long as you do the right things, you'll live a good life... I've believed this in my entire career as a wrestler, and it's worked for me. Then I come across three men who call themselves the Horsemen. I was watching all the Coronation matches from ringside, and saw the Horsemen beating on Hakiro Matsuoko... I HAD to help... I stand by my decision to come to Hakiro's aid. I was in the right. Then those Horsemen interfered in MY match, and the even hand of justice swung in my favor, for the referee banned those other two men from ringside. I lost the match. I can't say if it was the cheap shots I took form Flare and the Outlaw, or if it was just a case of Bodybag being the better man. I have no qualms about that. What DOES bother me is that the Horsemen then proceded to interfere in every match they had interest in. As a result, The Outlaw won the championship belt... This can not be allowed to continue. That man has NO place holding that belt. THE KIDS CAN'T LOOK UP TO HIM!!!! [Casey pounds a fist onto the counsel's table] Casey: Your Honour!? Move to STRIKE!!!!!! [Casey pushes papers and pens off of the table] Casey: Horsemen? This isn't a case of vengance... This is JUSTICE! You cannot go unpunished for your actions... I'm going to spend every moment I can coming after you, and that's a promise! Anyone who wants to come along for the ride is more than welcome, because this is going to take more than one man. Beware, Horsemen, because justice WILL be served on YOU! [Fade] Newcomers' Update ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The name on most peoples' lips at the moment is Moondust. This bizarre androgynous... person... made quite an impact at Coronation Clash. Let's get some comments, particularly concerning his infatuation with young Billy Shakespeare. I had the... er... privelege... of meeting with Moondust in his dressing room, although I wasn't allowed to ask any questions: [SCENE: Moondust is lying down on a pink bed in the shape of a heart. He is wearing his silver tights, and pink booties and stroking a fluffy pink poodle. All around him the room is pink and there are a few barbie dolls hanging from the ceiling.] MD: "Hello Everybody. Well, I guess that you all know that I am the new boy on the scene. You know, I have always been a fan of wrestling, ever since I played with a strapping young lad called Julian. He was good, his wrestling wasn't bad either. But now I am here to play with all you big, muscular guys. Yes, I am going to have fun wrestling with you lot. You know you want it, so stop hiding. Billy Shakespeare, are you listening to me? You got off lightly at the Cornation Clash. Not only did I let you through the second round because I wanted to show you how much you mean to me, but......" [There is a sharp knock on the door. Moondust gets up in a rush and answers.] MD: "No, not now Steven, later.. yes... 10 minutes...." [Moondust rushes back to his bed as if nothing has happened.] MD: "Ahhhhhhhhhh..... I've busted a nail..... oh, knickers." [Moondust gets up and goes to his big mirror for a few seconds, he rushes back obviously slightly distressed, and nursing his fingernail.] MD: "Now, where was I... Ahhhhh, yes........ But.... I saved your beautiful body from being bruised in the semi's. That nasty Starks was kicking your bad knee. I know you are just playing hard to get so I forgive you, and I still want you like crazy." [Moondust gets up, goes to his mirror and checks his hair eyeliner and mascara. He moves up closer to Tim Dross.] MD: "Oh Timmy; you do look nice in that outfit. Now, let me tell you one thing. When twenty wrestlers step into the ring this Saturday; I am going to have fun, fun, fun... I will get rid of all the ugly wrestlers first and then play around with the rest of you. Oh goody! I am looking forward to this." [There is another knock on the door. Moondust gets up instantly.] MD: "That's it Timmy, I have an engagement..." TD: "But what about...." MD: "Bye-bye darling,you simply must leave now... TD: "But.." [Fade] He truly is a bizarre individual. And let's take a look at his stats: MOONDUST Weight: 275lbs Height: 6'2" Origin: England Appearance: Pink booties, sparkly grey tights. Theme Music: "Hallo Spaceboy" by the Pet Shop Boys and David Bowie Face/Heel: Heel 5 Favorite Moves: Asai Moonsault Atomic drop Body slam Full Nelson Flying spinning leg lariat Finishing Move: Slap [Handler: Robert Norman (wadh0324@sable.ox.ac.uk)] Another newcomer to the IIWF is a wrestler's wrestler... known as the Crippler: [SCENE: A very old gym in the last few dying minutes of daylight. A large man is seated with his back to the camera. He has obviously been working out hard and rivulets of sweat are running down his back. He pulls a white mask over his face and then turns to the camera....] "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT!?!?!?..." [The camera begins to back away.] "Oh...you must be the camera crew from the IIWF. Well, don't be bashful, c'mere..." [The camera zooms in on his masked face.] "IIWF - you have languished long enough without quality wrestling for your fans. And I am here to change all that. I carry in my head more wrestling knowledge and know how than any other 10 wrestlers put together. Now, don't get me wrong. I am not saying that the IIWF doesn't have some fine atheletes...I am just talking about a lack of WRESTLING. If a wrestler is what you want...I'm your man. I am here to battle. I am here to maim. I am here to trample anyone who gets in my way. I am here for one reason...to feel gold around my waist. I am here to CRIPPLE..." [The camera begins to fade to black.] "IIWF....beware...The Crippler is here......" Well, his skills aren't in doubt, but this guy gives me the creeps. He's just so cold and methodical. Anyway, let's see his stats: THE CRIPPLER Weight: 267lbs Height: 6'2" Origin: Parts Unknown Appearance: The Crippler, in many ways, looks like Mr. Wrestling II. He is muscular but not cut. He wears a white mask, no shirt, and white tights with The Crippler in big red letters down his right leg. He does have, however, very large hands. Theme Music: "Midnight Rambler" - The Rolling Stones Face/Heel: Neutral with heelish tendancies 5 Favorite Moves: 1. Clawhold - obviously learned from some past master of the claw. The Crippler does not use the claw as a submission hold, just to disorient and cause massive amounts of pain. 2. Legsweep faceslam - The Crippler, as his name implies, tends to focus on various body parts for most of the match in the classic style. The legsweep he uses is particularly vicious and has a good chance of pulling hamstrings and causing other ligament damage. 3. Thesz Press - one of the few wrestlers today using this old, but very painful, maneuver. 4. Flying Headscissor - The Crippler is not an aerialist really but he is comfortable in the air. He is quite agile enough to get off the ground for this maneuver. 5. Spinning DDT - The Crippler *loves* this maneuver and is quite practiced in it. Finishing Move: The Cross - A modified Crucifix. If his opponent is too large for this technique, the Crippler will generally go with the DDT to finish him off. Profile of wrestler: The Crippler is a solitary man. He rarely takes a partner and rarely makes friends. When he does make a friend, though, he takes it very seriously. He does not consider himself a rulebreaker but will bend the rules if he feels his opponent is doing the same. Quite a few fans like his style, the mix between the old holds and some new arial maneuvers. The Crippler is almost always serious, focused on getting gold around his waist. [Handler: Brad Johnson (bjohnson@pepperdine.edu)] Both of these men are entered in this weekend's battle royal, so everyone had better be on their guard! Rankings ~~~~~~~~ It's time to take our weekly look at the rankings of the IIWF wrestlers in the singles and tag team ranks: Singles Rankings ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Name F/H Fought Won Drawn Lost Ranking --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Outlaw H 4 4 0 0 WC Vacant IC --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dan Kauffman F 4 3 0 1 1 Tony Starks N 3 2 0 1 2 Tiger Claw H 3 2 0 1 3= Brad Kinder H 3 2 0 1 3= Billy Shakespeare F 3 2 0 1 3= Hakiro Matsuoko F 2 1 0 1 6= Subway Psycho F 2 1 0 1 6= Casey James F 2 1 0 1 6= Deathbringer N 2 1 0 1 6= Moondust H 2 1 0 1 6= Venusian Death Cell H 1 0 1 0 11= Jack Haley F 1 0 1 0 11= Flare H 1 0 0 1 13= Altair F 1 0 0 1 13= El Lobo Negro H 1 0 0 1 13= Don Antonio N 1 0 0 1 13= Mr. Blu Tone F 1 0 0 1 13= Simon Lebec F 1 0 0 1 13= --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tag Team Rankings ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Name of team F/H Fought Won Drawn Loss Ranking --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Steamroller H 1 1 0 0 WT --------------------------------------------------------------------------- United Nations F 1 0 0 1 1 Alphabet Boys H - - - - - High Plains Drifters H - - - - - High Velocity F - - - - - Rising Sun Revolution F - - - - - --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Next Weekend's Card ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ So how do you follow up an event like Coronation Clash? Well, we're not done with the titles yet, and we'll be awarding the Intercontinental Championship this weekend in a battle royal match. Last man standing takes home the gold! One entrant who fancies his chances is the "Showstopper" Simon Lebec: [Camera opens, showing clips of BCWF footage. The clips show Simon "The Showstopper" Lebec eliminating two wrestlers and commentator Steve Silvertongue saying," LEBEC WINS THE ROYAL RUMBLE!" Camera focuses in on Simon Lebec, Miss Crystal and Francois] Lebec: That was just a few weeks ago in the BCWF. Just more proof that I am the greatest battle royal specialist in the world of wrestling! Strangely, I'm also the best wrestler and the prettiest man! Wow! I must be the hottest thing going! You see IIWF...... Shakespeare got lucky at the Clash. "The Showstopper" should be the Heavyweight Champion!! You'll all see at the battle royal that I'm also the smartest in the world of wrestling. I'll outwit you all...and take home the prize!!! Now, if you'll all excuse me, I have a hair appointment. [Fade] You never know, if Lebec can stop worrying about his appearance for long enough, he might just be one of the favourites to leave the Coliseum with the Gold this Saturday night! The other match we'll be seeing is a rematch for the IIWF World Tag Team Championships. Steamroller will meet the United Nations once again. It promises to be another astonishing night of wrestling action! Next Report ~~~~~~~~~~~ In our next report, we'll be talking with IIWF President Dan Spreadbury about future cards, and this weekend's battle royal. I'll also be bringing you my own personal pick for the Intercontinental Championship, in the Dross Report. Plus, of course, we'll have all the latest updates, and interviews, from all the IIWF superstars. Don't miss it! But until then, this is Tim Dross, saying: so long, everybody! +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= I * I * W * F =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-+ | Send mail to univ0322@sable.ox.ac.uk with the subject lines: | | "send faq" for the FAQ + "send singles" or "send tag" for the | | rosters + "send handlers" for a list of handlers | +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ | IIWF Home: http://users.ox.ac.uk/~univ0322/iiwf/ | +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ | Submit material for the Report to univ0322@sable.ox.ac.uk | +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-+