##### ###### ### ########## ########## ########## #### ## ########## ########## ########## #### # #### ######## ##### ##### #### ## ##### #### #### #### #### ### #### #### #### #### ############# ######### #### #### ########### ######### #### #### #### #### #### ######### ######### ### #### #### ######### ######### ### ## #### ######## ######## ## # #### =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- ## =-=-=-= INTERNATIONAL INTERNET WRESTLING FEDERATION =============================================== Control Centre Report - 31st May 1996 ----------------------------------------------- Welcome once more to the IIWF Control Centre! I'm Tim Dross, and in today's update I'll be: - bringing you up to speed on the latest developments regarding this weekend's card - introducing more newcomers to the IIWF - conducting a special interview with IIWF Champion, the Outlaw - getting the usual dose of trash talk from the IIWF superstars - in my Dross Report, I'll be looking at this weekend's big Submission Match for the IIWF Championship. - plus I'll have some really big news concerning changes here in the IIWF, direct from the mouth of President Dan! So without further ado, let's get to it. Newcomers Update ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It seems that there are wrestlers literally queuing up to join the IIWF. On Tuesday, I introduced the Man Of Steel, Fisto Flash and Stunt Team USA. Today, I bring you details of another fine tag team, the Returners: The Returners ^^^^^^^^^^^^^ "THE ROYALTY OF THE STREET" SABIN RENE FIGARO Weight: 330 lbs. Height: 6' 6" Origin: The Valley of the Shadow of Death Manager/Valet: Celes Cole Appearance: see http://www1.mhv.net/~megadiesel/mash.html for a picture. Theme Music: "Gangsta's Paridise" by Coolio Face/Heel: Face 5 Favorite Moves: - Powerbomb - Inverted Atomic Drop (Done before Bum Rush) - elbowdrop off second rope - Headbutt - Diving Clothesline Finishing Move: Sabin has two. His main finisher is called "The Bum Rush". Sab picks up the opponent in a Inverted Atomic Drop, then starts to give quick, stunning punches at unknown speeds. His other is called "The Gangsta-Plex", a Fisherman's Suplex. LOCKE COLE Weight: 245 lbs. Height: 6' 3" Origin: South Figaro, Figaro Manager/Valet: Celes Cole - wife, looks like Madusa but with long blonde hair, wears blue jeans and black Locke Cole or Sabin Figaro T-Shirt. Appearance: Locke is thin and tall, and wears blue and black tights. Theme Music: "Big Me" by the Foo Fighters Face/Heel: Face! 5 Favorite Moves: - Clothesline off the Top - Moonsault - Superkick - Frankenstiner - Sugarhold Finishing Move: The Locke Drop - Rocker Dropper Tag team finisher: Two of them, The Final Return (Sab holds up one opponent in a delayed Suplex, Locke comes off the top with a crossbody, pinning him), and the Striker (Double Slingshot Suplex). [Handler: Bob Hansen (MegaDiesel@mhv.net)] These two athletes promise to be very popular with the fans, and they'll make their debuts here in the very near future. I'm told by the front office that negotiations are currently taking place to bring more top-flight athletes to the IIWF! I'll have more on this in future reports. Trash Talk ~~~~~~~~~~ The verbal diaohhrea has really been flowing this week. Let's get straight to the comments of Brian Lau, concerning this weekend's Martial Arts match for the Intercontinental Championship. As ever, he is interviewed by the wonderful Mr. Kenny Tanaka: [SCENE: Kenny Tanaka stands in the Dojo with Brian Lau.] KT: Hello, folks... This is Kenny Tanaka coming to you from the Dojo... I've noticed that Tim Dross has being claiming that I'm something less than a real interviewer... Listen to me, Dross. I'm just as valid a journalist as Soundbite Stevens... I'm definately better than you... IIWF is under contract to provide Brian Lau with an ORIENTAL interviewer... You don't fit that description. Have a problem with that, Dross? Then take it up with the officials at the IIWF instead of getting on my case. BL: Well said, Kenny. KT: Thanks, Brian... I just had to get that off my chest. Now to the reason I'm here. Am I to understand that Tiger Claw is taking extreme measures to train for his match with Hakiro Matsuoko? BL: Yes, he is... Tiger Claw is more focused now than I've ever seen him... People are coming from all sides to take him on. It's pretty obvious to me that Tiger Claw is one of the more feared competitors in the IIWF, and most of the atheletes here feel that by beating him, they'll move way up in the ranks... Well, those people are right... Tiger Claw is one of the top contenders in the IIWF, and a win against him would help any ranking... The problem with that is that these idiots have to WIN against Tiger Claw, something that's much easier said than done... Take a look at Subway Psycho... This guy couldn't even make it past the 2nd round of the Clash tournament, so to try and salvage his reputation, he starts attacking Tiger Claw and me... But seriously, if he wanted to prove himself, he'd take on Tiger Claw face to face instead of luring him into a closet to get him out of the way to attack me... Seems like people are more willing to come after me than they are to come after Tiger Claw... I don't blame them... I'm an easier target... I realize most of the people here are cowards... Tiger Claw will go through them one by one... [Someone comes to Brian's side and whispers something in his ear.] BL: Oh, good... Kenny, would you like to see what Tiger Claw is doing to train? KT: Sure! I'd love to! [Brian motions Kenny and the Camera man to follow him, and they begin to walk towards the back courtyard of the Dojo. A faint, rhythmic cracking sound can be heard] BL: You see, Hakiro Matsuoko has shamed us all. First he loses pitifully in the tournament, making me look bad for offering him a job... Then he attacks me for no reason whatsoever, proving that he is a coward. And now recently, he pulls some bogus maneuver in the battle royal to rob Tiger Claw of the IC belt... Tiger wants that belt bad, and he's a little tired of Matsuoko... Tiger Claw wants to hurt Matsuoko... I believe he will. I've seen Tiger do it before. It's not pretty. Matsuoko being Tiger Claw's opponent in this match is the perfect incentive... Tiger Claw won't accept anything less than victory. [The group steps outside into a grove which consists of a few trees. The cracking sound is louder.] BL: I should tell you... Those who are weak of heart may want to look away... [Tiger Claw is found shadow boxing in front of a tree thicker than a man's leg... The man to be Tiger Claw's corner man is standing by watching Tiger Claw's training... He occasionally shouts something to Tiger Claw. Tiger Claw's fists are wrapped in the canvas-like fabric that Brian Lau showed off in an earlier interview. Every so often, he will unleash a kick, puch, knee, or elbow that connects with the tree with full force. Off camera, Brian and Kenny can be heard talking somewhat out of character.] KT: Ouch... How does he do that? BL: I don't know... I think he may be a little *koo-koo*, if you know what I mean... [Camera turns back to the two speakers] BL: Think that's impressive? Watch THIS! [Brian pulls out a poster of Hakiro Matsuoko... The picture is one taken from the aftermath of the Battle Royal, and Hakiro is holding the IC belt... Brian tacks the poster to the tree] BL: [To Tiger Claw] Punish him. [Tiger Claw goes ballistic, thowing all manner of attacks... Most are focused where Hakiro's head, back, or knees would be. Finally, Tiger Claw makes one more massinve shin kick to the picture, and the tree trunk breaks where Hakiro's back would be] BL: Doesn't look too good for Hakiro! I know Hakiro knows the rules of the match he's getting into, but for you common people at home, let me explain. The match is divided into three rounds of three minutes, with 1 minute in between for a corner period... Any attacks are allowable, except for eye gouges and groin shots. Choking is allowed. Falls are by Knockout or submission. For a knockout to occur, the man must be down for a ten count. Three knockdowns constitute a Technical Knock Out... If a man should be thrown out of the ring, A count shall be put on him, and if the count reaches ten, it counts as a knockout. Any delaying will result in penalties in scoring should the match come to a decision... If there is no knockout by the end of the three rounds, then it will come to a decision... The officials at IIWF should choose the judges. Fists will be taped or wrapped, whatever the case may be. We will NOT use gloves! Hakiro Matsuoko, we'll see you on Saturday! KT: Well, there it is, The final comments from Brian Lau before the martial arts challenge this Saturday. So for Brian Lau and Tiger Claw, this is Kenny Tanaka saying, "I'd like to see Tim Dross do better." [Fade] Honestly, that guy is so full of himself. Nevertheless, Tiger Claw looks to be in phenomenal shape for his match this weekend. But he might have bitten off more than he can chew in this encounter, because wherever Tiger Claw and Brian Lau are, you can bet the Subway Psycho won't be far behind: [SCENE: A dark subway tunnel. Noises of trains echo in the distance. The only light comes from flashes of distant lights. From the darkness, a voice...] My whole life I've walked these tracks. Over the past week I've walked them all again. Trying to find an answer, some sense, some piece to the puzzle. I don't know what Lau did to Sasha. I may never know. But she is gone from wreslting. I have accepted that fact. There are few things more dangerous than a runaway train, and those who I've faced in the past will remember the force of the Subway Psycho. [He pulls foward into full light] Those who don't will learn! Sasha shall be avenged. [Vanishes back to the darkness. Fade] Tiger Claw will also have to deal with Casey "Whitebread" James, who will be Hakiro Matsuoko's corner man. We caught up with Casey earlier this week, and things got - shall we say - interesting: [SCENE: a Thai Boxing dojo. Two fighters battle it out. Casey James is sitting on a bench studying them. He speaks:] I figured that if I'm going to be any good at being a corner man for Hakiro Matsuoko, I'd better get familiar with the martial arts... All this kicking and stuff is really new to me... I prefer old-fashioned American fisticuffs, myself... But I figured that my knowing a little about Tiger Claw's fighting style would help me understand what he'll do, and I can use this information to help out Hakiro... Apparently, some celebrity martial artists come in here from time to time... From the rumors going around today, one is supposed to show up today, but I don't know exactly who... I wonder if it'll be Chuck Norris or Steven Segal... Those guys are really neat... These two guys have been sparring all day. Every so often one of them will score a massive hit that I know would put me down, but they keep going... Afterwards, they're still best of friends... That's the thing... The battle is glorious to them. It's fun just to be involved. They can dish out a good beating, but they can take it too. You should see the workout these guys do... The head trainer has them skipping rope for god-knows how long, and has them doing pushups for what seems like forever... Then they pair off and hit each other with sticks... Not sparring, though. One guy just stands there while the other guy hits him about the body... The shins on these guys are like stone, and the other parts of their bodies aren't something to laugh at either. They may be small, but any one of these guys could take a big guy like me... It's a good thing I decided to come down here... I may need to train here if I end up fighting Tiger Claw one day. [A murmur rises through the students in the club, and a bunch of them are looking at the door, grabbing pens and paper to get an autograph. A crowd forms near the door, where the celebrity can't be seen for all the people in the way. Casey keeps watching the two fighters, who are fighting even harder now.] That's another thing... They're very proud of their style. The Thai people have been kickboxing for over 400 years now... In fact, it's their national sport. Many martial artists respect Thai boxers for their brutal art... I think these guys are trying to impress Jean Claude to get into a movie... [An older man comes to Casey's side] Head trainer: Excuse me, Mr. James... Casey: Oh, hello... What can I do for you? Trainer: I think it's about time you left. We don't want any trouble here. Casey: Ummm, what? What do you mean? Oh, I guess you'll be working on stuff I shouldn't see... I'll go... You don't mind if I say hello to Jean Claude, do you? Trainer: Jean Claude? Who? No, please leave immediately [looks at the front door where the crowd is] Actually, do you mind leaving from the back door? Casey: What? Why? What's going on? [The crowd parts, and out walks Tiger Claw, who is wearing Workout pants and a sweatshirt. He looks enraged to see Casey James here. Brian Lau hops out of the crowd after him] Brian: What the hell is this idiot doing here!? We come to see our friends and we run into THAT? Trainer: I'm sorry, Tiger Claw and Mr. Lau, but I had no idea until now... [Tiger Claw moves towards Casey James] Trainer: Tiger Claw, NO!!! I will not have you hurt this man in my house... Let him go. Casey: Now, just wait a minute... This is a free country. I can go wherever I want! [Tiger Claw looks at James with an amused smile on his face, then looks back at the trainer.] Trainer: Mr. James, leave. NOW. Casey: But, I... Trainer: Leave or I will have you taken out. Casey: Well, okay, then... If that's the way it's to be... [Casey walks towards the front door, but is stopped by Tiger Claw] Brian: The BACK door... You don't deserve the front door. [Casey turns around to go to the back door when Tiger Claw hits him in the back of the head with a forearm. Casey falls to the floor, but quickly gets back up to attack Tiger Claw. The two fighters are held apart by groups of trainees.] Trainer: STOP THIS!!!!! [Everyone falls silent] Trainer: [To Tiger Claw]: You... go to the back room. I want to talk to you. [To Casey James]: You leave... Go. [Casey moves away from the group holding him, and grabs his duffel bag... He then makes his way to the back door. He leaves. Fade.] So there's certainly no love lost between Casey James and Tiger Claw. Just one more fuel added to the fire that will explode this Saturday night! Before we leave this matchup, let's get comments from the IC champion himself, the "Angel of the Sun": [SCENE: Hakiro Matsuoko stands in the courtyard of a Buddhist temple in his native Japan. He stands surrounded by eight monks. At random, they each attack Hakiro, each with a unique style: Kenpo, Karate, Judo, Praying Mantis Kung Fu, Drunken Monk Shaolin style, Tae Kwon Do and Jujitsu. With each opponent Hakiro defeats them each with a different style. This was a "friendly" training exersise.] HM: Tiger Claw, you do not wish to defeat me. You wish to maim me. Your bloodlust will be your undoing. You cannot ever truly win unless you know every aspect of yourself. All you know is your dark side. I know all aspects of myself. Come with your taped fists, your cornermen, come with your hate and rage. I will engulf you like a Tsunami swallows the coastline that it hits. Preare yourself well Tiger Claw. I wish to fight you only if you are at the peak of your skills. Prepare. Your lack of discipline will prove your undoing this weekend. [With those words Hakiro Matsuoko goesd back to practicing his aresenal, performing his kata and drifting into a deep state of meditation. Fade] We hear whispers that all might not be well in Camp Senator. Let's go to this interesting footage: [SCENE: News room of the Washington Times] Editor: [talking to a reporter] I want you to get down to Wizard's Gym and interview The Senator. I hear there is trouble in his stable of IIWF wrestlers. Other reporters have tried to get the interview and have been barred from the gym. Now get out there. [John Uninformed, a reporter for the Washington Times, leaves his Editor's office and hurries towards Wizard's Gym. When John arrives at the gym he tries to get in and finds the door locked. As he begins walking around the building he sees an open window. When he looks in he sees The Senator and Altair talking. They both seem to be very angry.] The Senator: Altair, you are becoming a big disappointment to me. I sent you out there to win the championship belts that the IIWF has. What do you bring me? Nothing! Altair: Well, sir, I tried my best. I have trained... The Senator: [interrupting] Your best, your best. I give you the training and knowledge to win and all you can do is lose, lose, lose, I will not stand for this. You have this weekend off, I suggest you think real hard on your direction... [The Senator notices our reporter outside the window. He gets up and yells at poor John to get the hell out of here. As the camera goes black we see John running up the street.] We'll try and shed some more light on this in our next Report. If you remember back to our last report, High Velocity challenged the High Plains Drifters to add cage stipulations to their match. Let's get the Drifters' response: [SCENE: Gymnasium where the Drifters work out. Pale Rider spots Easy Rider as he presses well over 420lbs, with ease. Enter Josey Wales.] Wales: Are you ready for this? They want a CAGE MATCH! Pale: Are you kidding me? What are they thinking? There is nothing more we like than to press someone through the links of a cage! Easy: Metal pipes are good for smashing! Wales: My boys...things are starting to look up for us! This is something I know you guys can handle. Pale: If you're listening High Velocity, you better get all your errends done now. You won't be able to walk after next week!!!! [Fade] It seems the Drifters aee more than ready for such a battle! That's going to be another hot match on this weekend's card. That makes it two cage matches in the Coliseum this Saturday night, as Dan "Flash" Kauffman battles the Deathbringer in a Texas Death rules match. Let's get comments from Kauffman: [SCENE: Once more in the basement area known as "Hell's Abyss", Dan "Flash" Kauffman is sparring with Brandon Bennett. His right knee still has a light wrapping around it, but Dan's mobility seems to be unaffected. The stitches have been taken out of Dan's forehead, and the scar is barely visible. The bruises on his lower-back look much better from just a week ago! But he's still having difficulty... Bennett, a technical wrestling expert, has him in a gruelling Boston Crab! The camera kicks into action...] DAN: OMMMMMPPPPHHHH!!! OH MAN, THAT HURTS!!! BENNETT: How's your knee holding up? DAN: For being in a crab of yours, I'd say half decent... [struggles for a breath, before Bennett lets the hold go.] BENNETT: You're ready for the cage, Dan. DAN: Good. Thanks for your help once again. BENNETT: I'll see you on Saturday. Good Luck! [Bennett exits the room, leaving Dan alone.] DAN: Well, we're only 24 hours away from the most gruelling match of my life! Deathbringer, as you can see, I've worked my way into the best of shape, as I always do. I know that you will be in good condition. Yeah, I don't expect this Texas Death Cage Match to be anything short of a disaster area that I have to fight through. So Deathbringer, I think we've talked to each other long enough in the last two weeks. Come prepared, and may the best man win. Now, I want to make some comments to both the Outlaw and Tony Starks. Guys, yes, I have my hands full at the moment with 328 pounds of sheer force. But, if I'm successful in that match, then whoever wins your submission match, I want a crack at the winner! I think I've proven that I belong up against the best, just from Coronation Clash. Outlaw, I know you'd be glad to take my challenge. Tony Starks, you are a spirited and focused warrior in your own right. So whoever wins, I want first crack at... Of course, this is ONLY if I beat Deathbringer... for going into a World Championship Match after a loss wouldn't be wise for me to do. But I want a shot at that Championship, and I hope one of you two give it to me! Deathbringer, it all comes down to this Saturday. I continue my journey into the darkness. I plan on coming out a better, more respected man. Remember the seven keys to victory... Focus, Determination, Heart, Mental Toughness, Drive, Ability and Attitude. They will propell me through the Cage match, and may give me the strength to defeat you. That is all until this Saturday. And let death fall where it may... [Fade] Absolutely anything can happen in that match, folks, I guarantee it. Let's go to some very sinister comments from Deathbringer: [SCENE: As the screen fades in you can see "Hell's Abyss". No one's there, but you can hear the voice of the Coroner] The Coroner: "Kauffman... Dan Kauffman... Your training facility... Quite impressive" [The camera slowly moves towards the trophy case containing Kauffman's awards] The Coroner: "You have won many fantastic bouts, you were the victor of great epic ring battles. You are a man that can handle almost any other wrestler in the world today." [Camera moves over to the bag Kauffman punched at during his last interview] The Coroner:"You possess great strength and agility and saying that you lack killer instinct is like saying that water is dry." [Camera moves towards the wrestling ring in front of which the Coroner is standing] The Coroner: "Right here [he points over to the ring] is your destiny. Since you were a child you dreamed of being a superstar. You trained hard and became one of the greatest athletes wrestling has ever produced. And today you _live_ within the squared circle." [A flash. As the screen fades in again you can see the mortuary with Deathbringer standing between some caskets] Deathbringer: "But this [Deathbringer moves his hands above a coffin] is where it all will end. You cannot live forever, Kauffman, and you know it. You say you are not afraid of me, you say you are not afraid of dying and you say you are not afraid of the dark side. But by telling all those other mortals that you do not fear the reaper I can see that you are almost scared to death. You cheated me and now you betray yourself... Why? Why do you not simply admit your fear, as it would make things easier for you. But you hide behind a barrier of dishonest fearlessness. Sooner or later it will break down and bury you below it." [Deathbringer steps outside. You can see a vast cemetary.] Deathbringer: "Take a good long look at this peaceful place, Kauffman. Many others long before you disrespected death himself. And now their souls are right here. Do you want to join them?" [Deathbringer walks between the graves and stops before a crypt] Deathbringer: "I know that you will keep telling lies about your real feelings and you will say that I just try to let you look like a coward. You are no coward, Kauffman. You are possibly the bravest mortal I have met within the last centuries, but, afterall, you _are_ a mortal. In just a few days we will see the world will see the outcome of our match. And whatever will happen... you have my respect... So do not be afraid to step into the dark. Be sure that my voice will take you home." [Fade] Woah, chilling. Now let's get comments from another top tag team here in the IIWF - the United Nations: [Fade in on a gym where Tora Tora Tora of The United Nations is punishing a weight bag with a series of punches and kicks. He is under the watchful eye of Kangaroo Carlysle, the team's manager. When Carlysle shouts "now," T3 unloads a vicious spinning kick that blasts open another bag. Carlysle nods his approval and turns his attention to the camera] KC: [hoists his thumb at the gaping hole in the bag] We go through a lot of weight bags during a training session, but it'll all be worth it when them snivelling weasels Taylor and Brassow feel T3 put a hole in their noggins. Steamroller, you again tried to hurt me boys bad. Jacques K. Vorkian has been told by the doc to rest for a week and T3 here ain't none too happy 'bout it. T3: Steamroller, last weekend the entire world saw what cowards you are. We've had you beaten twice each of the last two weeks, only to watch you cheat your way out of a loss. The fans know who the true IIWF Tag Team champions are -- The United Nations! KC: That's right, mates! I want to meet with IIWF President Dan Spreadbury over a vegemite sandwich to talk about what's been going on. I've got me an idea but I want to run it by President Spreadbury first. Steamroller, you'd better relish every day you have them belts because your day is coming. T3: And I hope you remember what it looked like to leave us in the middle of the ring because it will be the last time you'll see it. Next time, Steamroller, your broken bodies will be carried from the ring. For Jacques and the glory of United Nations, it will be done! [Fade out as T3 begins working on a new weight bag] I wonder what kind of a plan the Nations have? I'll try and get word with the IIWF President after this meeting has taken place... [SCENE: Fisto Flash, with Robo Stone, is walking on Surf Avenue in Brooklyn, New York. Suddenly a shadowy figure runs up behind Robo, grabs his neck, and starts choking him.] Robo: Uuhuguhhgughughh....help....Fisto..... Fisto Flash: What the hell! [Fisto runs to his manager's aid, grabs the mugger's fingers off Robo's throat and breaks them. He then kicks the screaming mugger and breaks his nose with the punch of his metal fist.] Mugger: OHOHHHGHGHHHGHGHGH!!!!!!!!!! [Mugger runs away in extreme pain. Fisto helps up Robo while he looks toward camera.] Fisto: I hope every fool in the IIWF saw that. No man will EVER survive after touching me OR my manager, Robo Stone! Robo: That's right! [clearing up his throat] Don't you mess with us or you'll go down faster than Peter McNeeley! Fisto: This will happen to ANY man who chooses the wrong decision and fights me. This will happen to ANY man who chooses to diss my manager. I will beat up anyone who crosses my path. Myself, the iron destroyer, will destroy all who decide to face me. Robo: Go ahead, punks. Take your chance. [Fade] Fisto Flash has issued an open contract: who will step up to the plate to face him? I think we may have found just the guy in the Man Of Steel: [SCENE: Man of Steel is standing in a street somewhere in the US. People have gathered around to hear what he has to say.] MOS: Good Morning IIWF. The Man of Steel has arisen and it is time that he spoke out to show the IIWF what has come. Man of Steel will battle for goodness and right, throughout the IIWF. Someone gets in my way then they will be dealt with accordingly. I will not tolerate cheating. If you are not enough of a man to fight without the use of foreign objects, outside interference or below the belt tactics, then what are you doing getting in the ring in the first place? Fisto Flash. You're first on the list. That Iron Fist of yours doesn't scare me. I will clean up your act. Meet me in the ring and I will teach you where cheating gets you, right down at the bottom. [The gathered audience cheer and shout praise at MOS.] You see IIWF, all the fans what to see me go right to the top, clearing away the rubbish as I go. Stand in my way if you must, but don't complain when I send you flying to the bottom of the IIWF!!!!! [Fade] Billy Shakespeare is looking forward to battling Simon Lebec this weekend. Let's go to these pre-taped comments: [SCENE: Billy Shakespeare stands with a video tape of Simon Lebec's "Honeys from Hollywood". He pulls a long length of it out of the cassette and holds it up to the light, as if it could be viewed that way.] Billy: [squinting] No...no...nope. Nothing to see here. No beginning, no end, nothing in the middle. Overexposed, Over-rated, and full of drivel. Oh, and the movie is lousy too. [He stops looking at the tape and begins to absentmindedly pull out handfuls of it while addressing the camera.] Lebec, I don't know who you bribed to get me to give you another lesson in performance, but you got it. After that cheap shot at the IC Rumble, I would have given you instruction for free. Soon your career is going to look a lot like your movie... [Camera pans down to a mess of video tape on the floor] ...all balled up in a useless pile at my feet. To quote Hamlet "I'll lug the guts into the neighbors room!" [Fade] And the Alphabet Boys have decided that they want first dibs at the winner of this weekend's Stunt Team USA vs. The Rotundos match: [SCENE: The IIWF Interview area.] Abie: I WANNA FIGHT SOMEONE! I wanna fight someone now! Zed: Y'know what I want? I wanna fight the the winner of the Rotundo and Stunt-team USA match, that's what I want. I call winners! A: Hey, I want to fight them too. Z: Of course you'll be there too. (he smacks Abie) And I hear that Rising Sun Revolution wants a piece of the Alphabet Boys... A: Anytime...anywhere, Rising Sun. Z: No, not yet, we have to fight that other match with the winners first. A: Oh yeah, well, anytime...anywhere after we fight the other match, Rising Sun. Z: And win or lose, you always know when you've been in a battle with the Alphabet boys. A: Hey, Zed, do you know that Rising Sun spelled backwards is Gnisir Nus? [Zed stares at Abie with stunned confusion. Neither wrestler moves, and the cameraman eventually turns off the camera] What weird guys. But they're very dangerous in the ring. Whomever they face had better not come up short. Finally, let's get comments from Tony Starks, the man who'll face the IIWF World champion tomorrow night: [SCENE: Tony Starks is in a Staten Island gym. He is working on his submission moves with a sparring partner, and also is working rather intensly on the weight machines.] TS: Outlaw, you want to question my heart? Question it all you want, but after Saturday, no one, especially you, will EVER doubt that again. You wonder if I have the "heart of a Horseman"? Well, I don't. I got the heart of only one thing: Tony Starks - and that is more than I need. You also say my mouth is getting me in deeper and deeper? Well, Outlaw, right now, the talking stops. What I do in the ring will say everything I need. My bite IS a lot worse than my bark. I was going to wait for you to make a mistake in the ring. But that mistake has already been made. You are in a match with me. That will be the mistake that will cost you the IIWF World Heavyweight Championship. Get ready Outlaw, this will be a night no one, especially you, will ever forget. [Fade] Special Interview - The Outlaw ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It's now my... ahem... privilege to interview the IIWF World Heavyweight Champion, the Outlaw, on the eve of his epic battle with Tony Starks. [Tim Dross is joined at the IIWF Control Centre by the World Champion, The Outlaw. The IIWF belt is over his shoulder and it is evident that the champ is all business today.] TD: We're just a day away from one of the most talked about matches in IIWF history as The Outlaw makes his first title defense against none other than Tony Starks in -- get this -- a submission match. Masked Outlaw, what are your thoughts on this matchup? MO: Unlike Tony Starks, I am able to support more than one thought in my mind at any given time. But first, the title defense. Flare advised me not to take this match because it plays to Starks' strengths. Eventually, that's what made me take it. I WANT Starks to be beaten at his own game. And when I beat him to the point that he can barely hold up his head, he'll have to cower down and quit. Then everyone will again see why The Outlaw and the Horsemen are on top of the world. TD: Starks claims that you are a vulture who waits for the right opportunities to strike. Your comments on that? MO: What does a street punk from New York City know about birds? The only kind he's probably ever seen is a jailbird. The vulture is a perfect creation -- waiting for others to do the dirty work and then it reaps the benefits. Did you know Starks is a bird also, Dross? I hear he does a great imitation of a chicken. TD: That isn't even funny. What about Starks'... MO: [getting upset] I'm sick of talking about Starks, Dross. That piece of street trash is living proof that the only good thing to come out of New York City is Interstate 95. Starks, you're scared of Bodybag and Flare and I know you're scared of me. Well Bodybag and Flare will be in the cages so I get all the fun of tearing you apart! TD: Speaking of the Horsemen, what about Brian Lau's plea for you to watch Tiger Claw's back this weekend? MO: Well I guess Brian Lau just found us in a charitable mood. There's nothing the Horsemen would like better than to see Hakiro Matsuoko lose the Intercontinental Title. And with that little twit Cornbread Jones... TD: You mean "Whitebread" James. MO: ...Whatever. With that little twit in Matsuoko's corner, it could be a lot of fun to see what happens, don't you think, Dross? TD: If it involves the Horsemen, no I don't. What about Dan "Flash" Kauffman turning down your offer to become the fourth Horseman? MO: I don't ever recall making that offer to Kauffman. I said I liked his style and that he could go far with the right support. The guy must have an ego the size of Arizona to read such a statement into that. In fact, we all lost a lot of respect for Kauffman when he chickened out of last weekend's battle royal. Maybe he's related to Starks. Well Kauffman, when your momma says you can come out and play, The Outlaw will be waiting for you! TD: Well, as long as you mentioned the fourth Horseman... MO: I didn't, Dross. You did. TD: Okay, but can you let us in on who that individual might be? MO: I'll tell you one thing, Dross, and I want everyone in the IIWF to hear it. The Horsemen control when and where we will strike. A new Horseman may even pop up this weekend -- maybe even in the main event. Maybe he will destroy the Subway Psycho. Maybe we've connected with the Venusian Death Cell. Maybe Dan Kauffman was lying. Maybe The Crippler is an old friend of ours. Maybe Jack Haley isn't as dumb as he pretends to be. Get the picture, Dross? Everyone in the IIWF is looking over his shoulder because there's no telling what the Horsemen will do next! TD: And what about... MO: I have a limo waiting, Dross. As usual, it's been your pleasure. [Outlaw gets up and leaves the interview area.] The Dross Report ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Today in the Dross Report, I want to take a close look at this weekend's big submission match for the World title between the Outlaw and Tony Starks. We've heard both men wax lyrical about their abilities over the past week, so maybe it's time to take a look at what we're going to see in the ring. The tale of the tape is telling: ----------------------------------------------------------------------- THE OUTLAW TONY STARKS ----------------------------------------------------------------------- 353lbs Weight 269lbs 6'10" Height 6'6" Heel Orientation Neutral Power, brawling Primary attributes Mat, technical ----------------------------------------------------------------------- As focused as the Outlaw is, I'll say it straight off the bat: I can't see him keeping the IIWF World Championship in this title defence against Tony Starks. Maybe it was pride, maybe it was rashness, but whatever it was that caused the Outlaw to allow his henchmen to be suspended above the ring in cages, preventing their intervention, will be his downfall. There's a recurring pattern in all of the Outlaw's matches, and that's the interference of the Horsemen. If nothing else, this weekend's match will test his ability to stand back on his own two feet, to be a loner, just like in the old days... although I don't mind telling you, folks, as a loner, the Outlaw wasn't exactly successful. He's certainly a formidable power wrestler, but he isn't a submission wrestler, and nor is he an endurance wrestler, and those two attributes are what is vital in an encounter like this Submission Match - which is why I'm picking Tony Starks to take the IIWF World Heavyweight Championship live in the Coliseum this Saturday Night. Tony Starks has mastered some of the most painful submission holds of them all: the STF, the unbreakable Cross-face Chickenwing, the spinning Full Nelson. What is more dangerous is his unerring ring savvy; not only does he have all of these moves at his disposal, he knows exactly when to slap them on, too. Of course, in some senses, Starks is going into this match at a disadvantage. He will be giving away around 80lbs in weight to the World Champion, and the Outlaw is a very powerful man. However, whether the Outlaw possesses enough stamina, and the arsenal of painful submission holds required, to not only go the distance with Starks but defeat him, remains to be seen. Whatever the outcome, the Outlaw's first title defence should be a fantastic match-up, so don't miss it, live this Saturday Night! IIWF Saturday Night - 1st June 1996 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Let's run down the card for this weekend's live event: IIWF World Heavyweight Championship Submission Match: The Outlaw vs. Tony Starks IIWF Intercontinental Championship Martial Arts Match: Hakiro Matsuoko vs. Tiger Claw Texas Death Rules Cage Match: Deathbringer vs. Dan "Flash" Kauffman Cage free-for-all match: High Velocity vs. High Plains Drifters "Spotlight" Billy Shakespeare vs. "Showstopper" Simon Lebec Stunt Team USA vs. The Rotundos Open Contracts ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Currently, the following IIWF superstars have open contracts: - Rising Sun Revolution IIWF Midweek Mayhem - COMING SOON! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ^^^^^^^^^^^ It's been a long time coming, but finally, we're going to see a midweek card here in the IIWF. Let's go live to President Dan's office to get the word straight from the horse's mouth. [Cut to split screen. Dross on the left, President Dan on the right.] TD: President Dan, what great news! DS: Absolutely. I've had my minions in the front office working day and night to be able to bring this announcement to you. Without them, and they know who they are, this wouldn't be a possibility. Now, it's very much a reality: from Wednesday 5 June, we will see a second live card added to the IIWF's weekly schedule - IIWF Midweek Mayhem! TD: Can you let us in on any details of this Wednesday's card? DS: Sure. I'll run down the signed matches for you: Fisto Flash vs. Man Of Steel Jack Haley vs. Don Antonio Alphabet Boys vs. Stunt Team USA Flare vs. Moondust And the main event will pit the Subway Psycho against Brad "Bodybag" Kinder. It promises to be a rip-roaring start to this new weekly card! Of course, it will originate live from the IIWF Coliseum, and we'll have matches of a high calibre each and every week, in addition to the regular IIWF Saturday Night events. TD: Well, thanks for sharing that with us, President Dan. DS: That's my pleasure, Tim - but one more thing, before I go - the IIWF's next Pay-Per-View extravaganza will air on Saturday 29 June. More details to follow! TD: President Dan, thanks for being with us today. [Cut back to normal shot.] Folks, I can hardly wait. I'll bring you more details on Wednesday's card in our next Report. Next Report ~~~~~~~~~~~ Well, that's just about all we've got time for today, folks. I'll be coming at you again tomorrow with "Soundbite" Steve Roberts live from the Coliseum for IIWF Saturday Night. Our next Report will bring you up to speed on all the developments here in the IIWF, especially in the aftermath of what is sure to be a very exciting card this Saturday, and looking forward to Wednesday night's premiere Midweek Mayhem! But until then, this is Tim Dross, saying: so long, everybody! +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= I * I * W * F =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-+ | Send mail to univ0322@sable.ox.ac.uk with the subject lines: | | "send faq" for the FAQ + "send singles" or "send tag" for the | | rosters + "send handlers" for a list of handlers | +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ | IIWF Home: http://users.ox.ac.uk/~univ0322/iiwf/ | +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ | Submit material for the Report to univ0322@sable.ox.ac.uk | +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-+