##### ###### ### ########## ########## ########## #### ## ########## ########## ########## #### # #### ######## ##### ##### #### ## ##### #### #### #### #### ### #### #### #### #### ############# ######### #### #### ########### ######### #### #### #### #### #### ######### ######### ### #### #### ######### ######### ### ## #### ######## ######## ## # #### =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- ## =-=-=-= INTERNATIONAL INTERNET WRESTLING FEDERATION =============================================== Control Centre Report - 4th June 1996 ----------------------------------------------- Welcome everybody to another IIWF Control Centre update. I am, as always, Tim Dross, and we're coming off the back of another exciting and controversial IIWF Saturday Night from the Coliseum. In today's report, I'll be: - recapping the results of this weekend's card and catching up with its participants - looking ahead to the debut of IIWF Midweek Mayhem - running down this weekend's card - getting all the usual trash talk from the IIWF superstars - bringing you news on another newcomer to the IIWF - and giving you the latest rankings for both singles and tag team divisions. So let's get straight to it! IIWF Saturday Night - 1st June 1996 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What a card of explosive action we saw live on Saturday Night. Let's run down the results and hear from the participants: Stunt Team USA vs. The Rotundos An impressive debut for Fire and Forget, who'll face the Alphabet Boys tomorrow night on the inaugural IIWF Midweek Mayhem! Let's get comments from Ron and Steve: [SCENE: Steve and Ron just return to the locker room area after their match against the Rotundos] Steve: "Whoah, that was great!" Ron: "Total Destruction, if y'ask me, Steve! Hope all those other guys watched that match, so that they know what'll happen to 'em soon!" Steve: "Yeah, as we just heard we'll have a match against the Alphabet Boys this Wednesday... Pals, no matter what you'll do, you're goin' down!" Ron: "Yo, A-boys, this Wednesday you'll find out how it feels to run against a wall. Steve could handle it, I could handle it, but ya can't! We'll kick your butts all thru the ring..." Steve: "It'll be Fire And Forget, guys! And then..." Ron and Steve [simultaneusly] : "CUT!" [They hi-five each other and leave] Will the Stunt Team end up on the cutting room floor, or will they steal the show against the crazy Alphabet Boys? We'll see this Wednesday night! "Showstopper" Simon Lebec vs. "Spotlight" Billy Shakespeare Lebec scored his first victory in IIWF over Billy on Saturday night - but not without a little help from Moondust. CAGE MATCH: High Plains Drifters vs. High Velocity The High Plains Drifters were victorious largely thanks to the help of Rising Sun Revolution. It was a bizarre match, Altair coming to the ring and chaining the cage shut, before attempting to interject himself on the Senator's behalf. However, his plan backfired when Ryudu and Hiroshi came to the ring, and helped the Drifters escape from the cage. Let's get comments from the Senator: [SCENE: locker-room of The Senator's stable. As the camera-man enters the dressing room, we see the following exchange:] Senator: Altair! What in the world do you think you were doing tonight?! All you ever do is screw up the matches. First you can't win, and now because of your actions tonight High Velocity have lost their kind of match. Altair: I was just trying to show you what I could do.... J.R. Metro: I have half a mind to take you apart Altair, I worked hard to get that match and you screwed it up. Senator: Altair, I told you last week - one more mistake and you were going to be terminated. T. Rowe: Wait, Senator, I have a better idea... Altair you think you're the toughest wrestler out there today. What do you say to a match between yourself and High Velocity...I got it, a handicap match! J.R. Metro: T. Rowe you've outdone yourself now, but I think that a stipulation is needed: Loser leaves the IIWF for good. Senator: Boys, let me talk to the match makers. Altair: You guys really want to go that far, huh? Well you got it... [As Altair speaks he is attacked by HIgh Velocity and is tossed from the dressing room out into the hall. We watch High Velocity hit, kick, punch and then piledrive Altair twice on the concrete floor of the hall. High Velocity go back into the dressing room laughing at what they have just done. Fade] Well, that was a heinous attack on Altair. We'll get confirmation on that handicap match later in the show. For now, let's hear from the Drifters: [SCENE: A cheesy suburban cowboy bar. Pale Rider, Easy Rider, and Josey Wales sit at a table drinking some brews, celebrating their victory over High Velocity.] Pale: Well, that was a hectic match. Easy: Yeah, chaos works in our favor. Pale: Hey boss, what's the deal with those guys from Rising Sun? Easy: Yeah, why'd they help us? Josey: Those guys have something called class. Its something you guys don't have. Easy: Of course not, I dropped out of school. Pale: No, you moron, not that type of class. Josey: Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have it any other way. I want you guys to stay mean. Keep your edge. Pale: So what now? Josey: You're definitely one step closer to a title shot. There is some business I will take care of, personally. But for you guys, celebrate now, because I'm gonna make sure you work off those beer calories tomorrow. Easy: Maybe I'll just drink some whiskey instead. [Pale and Josey laugh as camera fades] TEXAS DEATH CAGE MATCH: Deathbringer vs. Dan "Flash" Kauffman This incredible encounter ended as a no-contest when a "fan" scaled the cage and attacked Deathbringer, who was surely about to pin Kauffman following a vicious Burial piledriver off the ropes. All we could find out about this individual is that his name is Joe, and that he knows Kauffman. Let's see if Dan can shed a little light on this subject: [SCENE: In "Hell's Abyss", Brandon Bennett is on the cellular phone, apparently talking to a recruit or someone like that. He doesn't seem happy at all...] BENNETT: I told you, I wanted Dan to have a DECISIVE finish... (pause)... That's EXACTLY why he signed for the Cage, and with Texas Death Match rules! If he gets beat, fine!... (pause)... Listen, it made Dan look like his talk was worse than his walk. You KNOW that's not true!... Look, I know you're his friend... (pause)... look, come on over, and we'll talk this one out, Okay? Good, bye. [Bennett hangs the phone up, and heads out of the training room to the living room, where Dan lies down, an ice bag over the top of his head. It does not look as if he's hurt too bad...] DAN: Did you talk to him... BRANDON: Yeah, he's heading over now... DAN: Damn good! I can't wait to hear what Deathbringer says... You know how much I wanted that match to end decisively... hell, it made me look like a coward! BRANDON: Hey, you can't control another man's reactions... DAN: I can't believe he hit me with the Burial, Brandon. I think I'm losing my edge... BRANDON: Don't start this again, Dan. That's the whole reason you had to take that first hiatus from wrestling... you haven't lost anything... Wow, that was fast! He's allready here! DAN: Good. I'll see you later... [Dan throws the icebag at Brandon, who barely manages to catch the thing.] BRANDON: Where are you going? DAN: To show this guy around... And to regain my edge... BRANDON: [sighs] All right then. [Dan disappears out the front door, and the camera looks out throught the living room window, where Dan is approaching a dark-red Chevy Beretta. The side door opens on the Beretta, and a man steps out... the same man that had climbed the cage and attacked the Deathbringer on Saturday! Dan appears to be yelling at him in either anger or frustration, while this man defends his case. After a while, Dan hops in the driver's seat and tells the other man to get in. When he does, Dan drives off. The camera pans back around, and Brandon Bennett is left speaking to the camera.] BRANDON: Deathbringer, Dan knows you won the battle last Saturday. He knows that the fan... which is also his friend... made him look like a fool and a liar. Deathbringer, I know you are going to want Joe... that's his name... in the ring. Dan won't let Joe face you unprepared. 'Bringer, you've proven yourself. Now Dan... and even Joe... must prove themselves. And Deathbringer, they will meet you again, at some point. I have a feeling Dan is about to let loose on Joe. Who knows what will happen... until next time... [Brandon walks upstairs, and the camera fades to black] I've heard from the front office that this individual, who goes by the name of Joe Latta, will be in action on tomorrow's Midweek Mayhem. More on that later. For now, let's hear from Deathbringer himself: [SCENE: The known mortuary. The Coroner is alone. A thunderstorm is heard] Coroner: "That's it Kauffman, that's it! This past weekend you signed your own death-warrant! You're history! By ordering that guy to intervene you most certainly destroyed the last remains of mercy within Deathbringer. It'll take me quite a while to calm him down again." [From the back your hear the sounds of breaking wood] "The last time he was betrayed so badly he totally lost it. In those days the people used to call him BLACK DEATH... Don't even try to convince me that you've nothing to do with that streetclothes scum... no more lies, Kauffman, you're time is over! Now a question to you, Mr. President, what are your planned actions concerning this situation? I demand an answer soon!" [Suddenly Deathbringer breaks through a door at the rear wall of the mortuary, his piercing red eyes glowing more intense than ever. The Coroner immediately looks at the camera-man] "Quick, get outta here! NOW!" [Fade] Well, in answer to the Coroner's request, I think we know what President Dan's answer is: he's signed Joe as a wrestler here in the IIWF, and I'm sure Deathbringer is going to want to get his hands on him in the ring. IIWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP MARTIAL ARTS MATCH: Hakiro Matsuoko vs. Tiger Claw On Saturday night, chaos absolutely reigned in this brutal match. Tiger Claw proved himself to be a dangerous competitor, but only left with a disqualification victory after the supposed alliance with the Horsemen failed to come to any good, and the Subway Psycho stormed the ring. Let's hear first from Brian Lau and his crony, Kenny Tanaka: [SCENE: Brian Lau and Kenny Tanaka sitting in what looks like a high class living room] Kenny Tanaka: Hello, folks. I'm Kenny Tanaka coming to you from the home of the one and only Brian Lau... Brian, I'd like to talk to you about what happened at the martial arts challenge on Saturday... Brian: Of course, Kenny. What happened was a farce. Tiger Claw should be the Intercontinental Champion right now. He had Matsuoko beat. If Tiger Claw hadn't knocked Matsuoko out, he's be a winner by decision. We should have the belt, but we don't. Why, you ask? Because that idiot Subway Psycho has some problem with us. Just because his manager chose to leave wrestling around the same time I talked with her, he blames me. Tiger Claw deserves another shot at that title, but it's obvious that with the Psycho around, we won't have a fair shot. I want Psycho to get into the ring with Tiger Claw. That way, Tiger can cripple him, and we won't have to worry about him interfering again. That way, we can get Matsuoko in the ring for the rematch we deserve and take that belt from him. Psycho, I've issued the challenge. Are you man enough to accept? Matsuoko, you have a break this week, but you can count on the fact that you're still in our sights. Train hard... You'll need it after the beating you just recieved. Kenny: What happened with the Horsemen? I thought they were going to keep the Psycho out of the picture. Brian: So did I. We had a deal. This is just typical of the American people. Make an agreement, and they stab you in the back. I mean, we all know their feelings about Oriental people... Remember the railroad? It's obvious that they want us to go after Psycho so Bodybag can go after Matsuoko. Bodybag would rather fight Matsuoko for the title because he knows that Tiger Claw is a more talented athelete, and that Tiger Claw would injure him when given the chance... Matsuoko won't injure anyone because he has this stupid sense of mercy. Horsemen, I bet you tink you're smart now... Well listen. Don't expect any favors from us. I don't need to be doublecrossed. Keep out of our way and you won't get hurt. That IC belt is ours... It's just a matter of time until we tell Matsuoko to stop wearing it. Kenny: Looks like trouble coming from all sides, Brian. Thank you for inviting us into your beautiful home and taking the time to speak with us... Brian: Anything for a friend, Kenny... Hey, do you want something to eat? Kenny: Sure thing... Well, folks, this is Kenny Tanaka saying so long! [Fade] Well, quite apart from that sickening display of fawning by Tanaka, we have an issue here: Claw wants the Psycho in the ring, and it seems the Psycho is only too happy to oblige... [SCENE: Subway platform. An appearently empty train pulls up. The doors open and the Subway Psycho steps out. He speaks:] It seems I've been causing quite a stir in the IIWF. Well I guess only Tiger Claw and Brian Lau would know about that. I cost Claw the IC Championship. Next week its you and me in the ring, one on one. It will be your last lesson. This issue will finally be put to rest. The Subway Psycho is back on track. The IIWF will see my wrestling in full and Tiger Claw will be one of many causualties. My anger has subsided and has been replaced with a renewed determination. I just want to ask Lau one thing...How are your Horseman buddies? Ha, ha, ha...You should have never trusted them. The Horseman are very good at what they do...that is they take care of their own. They don't do favors. There are other issues that need to be touched on however. At long last the Bodybag and I hook up again in the Midweek Mayhem. Brad, I've beaten you in the past and I'll do it again. You've tasted my De-railer. You're asking for trouble if you're gonna play on my tracks again. I want to have a word now with the IC Champ, Matsuoko. I realize you are a man of pride and honor. You are a true champ. Don't let my interference and your subsequent disqualification shame you. The rage I felt towards Lau and Claw was greater then me, you, or anything in IIWF. My actions were one's that needed to take place. Wear your belt with pride and defend it with honor. [The next train pulls up and the Subway Psycho gets on] I'm back on track...Kinder is going down, Claw is a dead man. If anyone else wants to step up I'm gonna run you right off the track! [The doors close and the train pulls away.] We'll try and get confirmation on the Claw/Psycho match from the front office later in this report. However, I'll be willing to bet that Claw will have a hand in the Psycho's match with Brad Kinder tomorrow night. We'll see. Now let's hear from the Intercontinental Champion himself, the Angel of the Sun - beaten and battered, but not defeated, and not dishonoured: [SCENE: Hakiro Matsuoko stands with his belt, in the interview area.] HM: Tiger Claw, this is not how I wish to defend my title. You are worthy of a title shot. And I have a feeling that you and I will cross paths again in the future. I look forward to this encounter, to see who the best is. I do not want to retain my title by outside interference. Psycho, we are friends, but do not interfere with my matches, that goes for everyone. Or, you will have to deal with me. I know what they have done to you but you must exibit some self control. It is also come to my attention that the men of the IIWF are standing in line waiting for a shot at me. I will not duck any of you. Come on, bring your best. I always do. [Hakiro bows in respect and walks off. Fade] We'll find out who Hakiro will next face later on in the show. Finally, let's hear from Hakiro's cornerman, Casey "Whitebread" James: [SCENE: Casey is sitting on a bench in Central Park] Casey: Hi, folks... Casey "Whitebread" James here... I'm here in New York, the place often considered the hub of America. So many different things to experience here. That's what I want to talk to you about. That Moondust fellow. He's a cookie from a different cookie cutter, isn't he? What is his thing with molesting people he has a problem with? I just had to come in and help out Billy Shakespeare when I saw what Moondust was doing to him... I mean, it's not wrong to be like that... Everyone is entitled to their own practices... [Casey seems to be working hard to contain himself, but fails] Oh, COME ON!!! I mean, it's not okay... You know that... It's weird and uncomfortable and icky... Moondust being around is like... Well, it's just wrong. He's a walking nightmare that we have to wake up from, and I'm going to be the alarm clock... [Casey thinks about this last statement making sure it makes sense, seems satisfied.] Moondust, I'm not going to play around... Stop being gross. Now, there's still a problem I have with Tiger Claw... I haven't repaid him for that little scuffle in that Thai gym... There's going to be a world of hurt for you, Tiger Claw... We'll meet at some point down the road, but for now, I'm sure the Subway Psycho will give you a good run for your money. In the meantime, maybe I can ask my friend Hakiro Matsuoko to teach me a few karate chop things and defenses to use against you... That way, I'd at least be attempting to meet you on some of your own terms... Or maybe I'll just punch you a lot... More my style... You've been doing a lot of cheating lately, Tiger Claw, and I'm going to put it to an end with a swift blow from the Hammer of Justice! [A commotion begins off camera] Oh boy, It's been nice talking to you, but I've got to go stop this mugging!! [Casey runs off camera, fade to black] Well, Casey could well get his chance to put right the wrongs of Moondust in the ring very soon... IIWF WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP SUBMISSION MATCH: Outlaw vs. Tony Starks With the Horsemen suspended in cages above the ring, you would have thought the Outlaw would have to win this one on his own. However, at the climax of a gruelling match, Miss Victoria Secret attacked Starks' knee with a chair, allowing the Outlaw to apply the Figure Four Leglock, a move he learned from Flare, and get the victory. Starks suffered some severe knee injuries, and will be out for at least three weeks. His doctors say he may be able to return in time for the next PPV, but this is by no means certain. We'll keep you updated on his condition. Let's go to his comments: [SCENE: Tony Starks in the interview area, dressed in street clothes and with a brace on his leg.] Starks: I am not going to stand here and cry about how I was beaten. Outlaw, congratulations. You won the battle, but my war is far from being over. I will be giving myself time to heal and I will also use this time to get better. You have not heard the last of Tony Starks. Remember this: what you do comes back threefold on you. [Fade] I know I wouldn't want to be standing in the Outlaw's shoes when Starks decides he's ready to return. However, the Horsemen don't seem bothered at all: [SCENE: Fade in on a Horsemen celebration backstage at the IIWF Coliseum following The Outlaw's victory over Tony Starks. Hi-fives are passed all around and Miss Victoria Secret is still ravishing in her evening gown. The camera focuses on the IIWF Champ, The Outlaw.] MO: Tony Starks . . . consider tonight a learning experience. Number one: Never underestimate an opponent who can beat you senseless. Numer two: Never think that the Horsemen are not evolving enough to share a few trade secrets . . . like the figure four leglock. Number three -- and always remember this one, Starks -- never turn your back on a woman. You're from Staten Island, Starks, and you've seen that lady in the harbor with her arm raised? Well here is a better lady who creates huddled masses and feeds _on_ the hungry. [Outlaw raises Miss Secret's arm in victory. She blushes.] Starks, hearing you scream in pain was music to my ears and watching you being carried from the ring on a stretcher was better than viewing the greatest works of art. Now as for Tiger Claw and Brian Lau, you have to understand that Flare and myself have promised Bodybag that he will be the next IIWF Intercontinental Champion -- not Tiger Claw. You gentlemen had better think long and hard before ever believing the Horsemen work for you. So here is a class session for all of you morons in the IIWF. Number one: The Horsemen have an agenda and you're helpless to do anything about it. We're gonna raise hell and plant people underneath it. Number two: Bodybag will be the next Intercontinental champ. And number three: You fat, bald men and ugly, homely women who call yourselves IIWF fans will never . . . ever . . . even be able walk in the shadows of Flare and Miss Victoria Secret. [The camera pans to Bodybag Kinder] BK: Once again, another unworthy opponent falls to the Horsemen. Starks, we tried to tell ya, but you wouldn't take our advice, and now you paid the price; your career is probably over. As for Lau and Claw, like Outlaw said, we worry about ourselves and OUR goals, and that's what it all comes down to. And this Wednesday, at the first ever Midweek Mayhem, Subway Psycho will be the next to fall to the hands of Bodybag and the Horsemen. EVERYONE in the IIWF needs to realize, right now, that I _will_ be the next I-C champ, one way or another. So Matsuoko, watch your back and your belt; I want that I-C strap. [Pan to Flare] Flare: Wooooo!!! Ya gotta love it! My congratulations to the Champ. Starks, do you get it now? We don't play games, let's remember this little lesson. Now as for Claw, it seems you've got a problem with the Psycho.......well that's not our concern, our objective is the title for Mr. Kinder. Myself, I'm going to continue the search for the fourth Horseman. Woooooo!!!!! [Fade] Well, Flare will be battling Moondust this Wednesday before Bodybag faces the Psycho - and no doubt the Outlaw will be on hand! Trash Talk ~~~~~~~~~~ I went to the high security jail where the Venusian Death Cell is held to see why he's been so quiet recently. Not that he says much, anyway, you understand: [SCENE:The Venusian Death Cell is in his room. The Jailer is sitting at his desk, twiddling his thumbs. Tim Dross walks in with the IIWF camera crew.] TD: Afternoon guys. Jailer: Hello Dross, I've been expecting you or one of your cronies to come along. Where've you been? TD: Yes, sorry about that but we've had trouble finding anyone who wants to come here. In the end we picked straws - and needless to say I drew the short one! Jailer: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, what do you want to know? TD: Well, I was wanting your thoughts on what the VDC's been up to lately. Jailer: Well, in the Battle Royal, as you know, he was eliminated by a double effort from Deathbringer and Haley [the VDC doesn't move]. He was livid about that, but he got adequate revenge in getting him eliminated. He tol....sorry, he wants a match against Haley [the Jailer glares at VDC, who then jumps up and starts screaming at the bars of his room] to finish this feud off once and for all. Sorry about this, he's uncontrollable. TD: Y..e...s. I can see that. Maybe that's why nobody wants to wrestle him... but anything's possible, maybe Moondust would get a thrill out of it! Apart from that, I don't know... Jailer: Well, the offer is there, if you wanna meet him with any stipulations, get in the ring with him. TD: Well, at least this wasn't as pointless as the interviews some of the other guys have given here, AND I wasn't assaulted! Maybe I should come along more often! Thanks for your time. [The screen fades to black] And the VDC is indeed scheduled to step back into the ring this very weekend. More on that later. Once again I had the... fortune... of meeting Moondust at a place he is very much at home... [SCENE: The room is completely dark. There is a hissing sound and Tim Dross realises that he is in a sauna with other people. It begins to get very, very hot and steamy. The light from the burning coals reflects off of Moondust's smooth and oily chest just enough for Tim Dross to recognise him.] MD: [quietly to himself] Ahhhhhh... it is nice to air my whole body once in a while. Yes.... awww... steam..... open up those pores... TD: Could I have a word please, Moondust? MD: Is that you, Timmy? TD: It is.. [he loosens his collar and takes his tie off] MD: Well. It seems that you come to all the same places as me... you sly little devil. Come closer and let us have a chat.. TD: Ummmmm... actually, I can't stay long. I just came for some comments on your forthcoming match against Casey James. [Suddenly Tim Dross is pinched on his behind. He jumps up and knocks his head on the ceiling of the sauna.] TD: What the? Who did that....?? MD: Oh, sorry, Timmy. I thought you were Steve. Did you bump your head? Here let me rub it better... TD: Ahhhhhhhhgghgh... that's not my head... MD: Yes... it felt a bit small.... TD: [in a state of shock] Please..... Mr. Moondust.... give me your comments about your forthcoming match with Casey James..... please..... I ... er.. have to go in a second... I ... er.... only paid for a 5 minute session. MD: My - we are a quick one aren't we? Well, just for you Timmy, I am going to reveal my secrets about this weekend's match. [Moondust sits up and puts some more water on the coals.] MD: I am very annoyed with our friend Casey James. Who does he think he is, spoiling my fun with Billy Shakespeare? I was the reason Billy was on the floor. I was the reason that Lebec beat him. And I was the reason why the crowd were on their feet cheering and begging for more. I earned the right to do whatever I wanted to Billy.... and how DARE Casey come from nowhere as if he is some kind of superman, and take away what I deserved! [Moondust is visibly shaken - angry - as never seen before. He puts more water on the coals.] MD: I spent ages making myself look good under the ring... and Casey comes along taking me from behind.... I couldn't see him.... he ruined my hair. He took away what I had gained fairly. He will pay the price. You see Casey. If you won't let me have Billy, then I shall just have to take YOU. And you don't mean anything to me.... so I am going to pound you into the ground. You don't stand a chance. And then, when you are unconscious.... then I have my fun. I ain't kidding. You have bought out the mad side to my character... TD: Er, well, I'm not sure I need to know about that... I must be off, since my session is almost up... MD: Oh, what a busy man you must be having to rush everywhere. Don't worry, I will be quick.... TD: Erm, no thanks, Mr. Moondust - I really must be going... [Dross makes a very quick exit. Moondust seems slightly disappointed. Fade.] Meanwhile, Billy Shakespeare wants to bring up the curtain on a new act: [SCENE: Billy Shakespeare on a stage set with trees and flowers.] Billy: Let me see...Oberon was king of the fairies, and Titania was their Queen. Moondust, which name suits you best? Perhaps Puck, the fairie trickster. While your name may be in some doubt, your actions are not. How appropiate that this should be June and Midsummer. Like that play there has been trickery, confusion, unexpected appearances, mistaken identities, and...oh yes...fairies. You picked the show, Moondust, but I get to cast the roles. And, of course, Billy Shakespeare plays the hero, and the hero always wins. We all have a Midsummer dream Moondust, yours is about to become a nightmare. [Fade] This weekend should be very interesting! Let's also catch up with the Senator, who we caught at an uncharacteristically reflective moment: [SCENE: a stream in the High Sierras. We see The Senator fishing along its bank.] Senator: Mr. Wales, I just had to get away after our last encounter. I needed time to think things out. I retired from the ring years ago and when you grabbed me last week it brought out all of the old feelings for the thrill of combating again. I have now been able to look long and deep at myself while up here in the mountains, and I have come to a conclusion. Mr Wales, you need to be taken to school and have a good old fashioned butt kicking, just like when we were kids. So, Mr. Wales, are you up to it? [As the Senator finishes the sentence we see him turn to the stream and his pole dips. The senator begins reeling in his catch. Fade] Newcomers Update ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ We've got news of one more addition to the singles roster today - a rather objectionable chap known only as Robski: ROBSKI Weight: 335 lbs Height: 6'9 " Origin: Birmingham, England Manager:Max Clifford Appearance: As a football fan, dresses in Birmingham City kit, comes to ring draped in English flag, with face painted with cross of St George Theme music: "Keep right on 'til the end of the road" Orientation: Heel Five favourite moves: - Gutwrench Suplex - Bulldog Headlock - Kick to mid-section - Sleeper hold - Clothesline Finishing move: Jacknife power bomb Profile: English football thug, hates Americans and America, hates all wrestlers be they faces or heels. He will think nothing of attacking anyone, fans, referees, officials or other wrestlers. [Handler: Rob Hill (iiwf@bluenoze.demon.co.uk)] Look for Robski to debut on next Wednesday's Midweek Mayhem. For now, let's go to an interview I conducted with this individual before we went live on last week's Saturday Night: [SCENE: Tim Dross stands in the ring clutching a microphone.] TD: There is always new talent coming in to this, the most exciting of all the e-wrestling federations, and tonight is no exception. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I would like to announce the presence of a new superstar here in the IIWF ["Keep right on 'til the end of the road" starts playing], ROBSKI! [Robski, draped in an English flag, with his face painted in the same colours as that English flag, starts to walk down to ringside. He receives a pretty loud heel pop. He enters the ring.] TD: Welcome, Robski. How do you feel to be on the roster of the IIWF? ROBSKI: [laughs] Well, it's been a bit of a struggle getting here. I'm sure the prez knows what I mean, but anyway now I am here, I'm not just on board to make up the numbers. TD: So what are your goals here in the IIWF? ROBSKI: To kick some butt first and foremost, oh and to get a strap as well. There is no real competiton here in the IIWF so that should be an attainable goal. TD: You mean to say you place yourself above all the other talent here? ROBSKI: [shouting very loudly] THERE IS NO-ONE HERE TO FEAR, YOU SEE THAT JOKER FISTO FLASH WHO'S JUST WRESTLED HERE... WELL, I'VE SEEN HIM IN OTHER FEDS, AND HE SUCKS [the crowd start to boo]. AS FOR THE OTHER... TALENTS HERE - WELL, I'M NOT GONNA DWELL ON THAT, ON THEIR BEST DAY THEY COULDN'T BEAT ME ON MY WORST! [The fans continue to jeer Robski.] TD: You can't just walk into a new federation and rubbish all the opposition! ROBSKI: [Still shouting] OH CAN'T I? WELL FOR YOUR INFORMATION, IDIOT, I JUST HAVE... AND HEAR ME SUPERSTARS OF THE IIWF, BE IT FISTING FLASH, BRAT KINDER, OUTFLAW, ALTAIR, SIMON LEBEC, OR ANY OTHER MORON NOT WORTHY OF MENTION. I AM YOUR LEADER... I AM YOUR MASTER... I AM THE AVENGER... I AM ROBSKI! TD: [looking somewhat dumbfounded] Ladies and gentlemen... Robski! [Robski goes to the ropes, gets out of the ring, and walks back to the locker room area holding the English flag aloft.] Not exactly what you'd call a fine ambassador for England... let's move on. IIWF Midweek Mayhem - 5th June 1996 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Now let's look ahead to tomorrow's event, the inaugural IIWF Midweek Mayhem. The card is as follows: Fisto Flash vs. Man Of Steel Jack Haley vs. Don Antonio Alphabet Boys vs. Stunt Team USA Flare vs. Moondust Joe Latta vs. Reno Blood Brad "Bodybag" Kinder vs. Subway Psycho That promises to be quite an evening of sports entertainment! Let's get comments from a few of the participants, beginning with the newcomer Fisto Flash: [SCENE: A mannequin of Man of Steel is seen, about to jump off the Empire State Building and go searching for crime scenes. Suddenly Fisto Flash comes outta know where; and with a swift punch to the back, the dummy Man of Steel is sent flying off of the building) Robo Stone: HA! HA! HA! We got 'im good, Fisto! Fisto Flash: That will teach 'im to go inta my backyard. NO ONE trespasses in MY city! Go back to Metropolis you blue egg-suckin' kneejerker! You seem to NOT understand. You don't get it, do ya?! [raises his arms in power] I AM the Iron Destroyer, and no one messes with me. Wednesday's the very first midweek card, and you step into the ring with me. NO ONE'S gonna remember Midweek Mayhem 'cause it was the first midweek card. NO ONE's gonna remember Midweek Mayhem 'cause it was the debut of some geek like Joe Latta. People will remember Midweek Mayhem 'cause... THE POWER OF FISTO FLASH DESTROYED THE MAN OF [bleep]! [Fade] Clearly Fisto Flash is not a man to mince his words. Whether he can back it up in the ring remains to be seen. IIWF Midweek Mayhem promises to be more of the very best in wrestling action! The front office have hired two new members of the broadcast team to work on the new show, Larry Morton, and Becky LaRue, a flame-haired former Women's World Champion, recently retired. Get ready for the start of something big, folks! IIWF Saturday Night - 8th June 1996 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Next Saturday's card promises to be just as hot. We've so far got confirmation of the following matches: The Returners vs. The Barnacle Brothers HANDICAP MATCH: Altair vs. High Velocity Tiger Claw vs. Subway Psycho Casey "Whitebread" James vs. Moondust IIWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: Hakiro Matsuoko vs. Venusian Death Cell IIWF WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: Outlaw vs. "Showstopper" Simon Lebec If there are any more matches to add, they'll be added in time for our next Report on Friday. Rankings ~~~~~~~~ Time for our weekly look at the IIWF rankings in both divisions. First up, the singles ranks: --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Name F/H Fought Won Drawn Lost Ranking --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Outlaw H 4 4 0 0 WC Hakiro Matsuoko F 3 1 0 2 IC --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dan Kauffman F 5 3 1 1 1 Tiger Claw H 4 3 0 1 2 Brad Kinder H 3 2 0 1 3= Billy Shakespeare F 3 2 0 1 3= Tony Starks N 4 2 0 2 4 Deathbringer N 3 1 1 1 5 Simon Lebec F 2 1 0 1 6= Subway Psycho F 2 1 0 1 6= Casey James F 2 1 0 1 6= Moondust H 2 1 0 1 6= Venusian Death Cell H 1 0 1 0 10= Jack Haley F 1 0 1 0 10= Flare H 1 0 0 1 12= Altair F 1 0 0 1 12= Don Antonio N 1 0 0 1 12= Fisto Flash H - - - - - Man Of Steel F - - - - - Robski H - - - - - Joe Latta F - - - - - --------------------------------------------------------------------------- And, of course, the tag ranks: --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Name of team F/H Fought Won Drawn Loss Ranking --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Steamroller H 1 1 0 0 WT --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Rising Sun Revolution F 1 1 0 0 1= Alphabet Boys H 1 1 0 0 1= High Plains Drifters H 2 1 0 1 3 High Velocity F 1 0 0 1 4 United Nations F 2 0 0 2 5 The Returners F - - - - - --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Next Report ~~~~~~~~~~~ In our next Control Centre update, I'll bring you all the news and reaction in the wake of the very first IIWF Midweek Mayhem, and look forward in my Dross Report to this weekend's big matches. Plus, of course, we'll have all the usual trash talk. So until then, this is Tim Dross, saying: so long, everybody! +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= I * I * W * F =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-+ | Send mail to univ0322@sable.ox.ac.uk with the subject lines: | | "send faq" for the FAQ + "send singles" or "send tag" for the | | rosters + "send handlers" for a list of handlers | +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ | IIWF Home: http://users.ox.ac.uk/~univ0322/iiwf/ | +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ | Submit material for the Report to univ0322@sable.ox.ac.uk | +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-+