##### ###### ### ########## ########## ########## #### ## ########## ########## ########## #### # #### ######## ##### ##### #### ## ##### #### #### #### #### ### #### #### #### #### ############# ######### #### #### ########### ######### #### #### #### #### #### ######### ######### ### #### #### ######### ######### ### ## #### ######## ######## ## # #### =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- ## =-=-=-= INTERNATIONAL INTERNET WRESTLING FEDERATION =============================================== Saturday Night ----------------------------------------------- LIVE * IIWF Coliseum * June 8 1996 [Pan down past rows of screaming fans in the Coliseum. The lights whizz IIWF logos around the arena, and fireworks burst out high in the roof. Cut to the announcers' table, in front of which stand Tim Dross and "Soundbite" Steve Roberts.] TD: Welcome everybody to IIWF Saturday Night, coming at you live and loud from the IIWF Coliseum. I'm Tim Dross and... SR: [interrupting] ...you talk too much. "Soundbite" Steve Roberts here, welcoming you to another evening of hot and heavy wrestling action! On tonight's card, we're going to see the debut of The Returners, as well as two championship matches! The Venusian Death Cell will eat Hakiro Matsuoko alive and walk away with the Intercontinental title, and "Showstopper" Simon Lebec will be a different type of food once the Outlaw and the Horsemen have finished with him - carry-out! TD: Are you finished yet, Steve? [Steve looks pointedly at Dross, who continues:] In other action, we'll see Altair fight for his life in a handicap match against High Velocity. SR: And the loser leaves the IIWF for good, Dross! Tonight will be the last we see of that moron Altair. I can't wait. TD: Plus Casey "Whitebread" James has a "date" with Moondust in the squared circle here tonight, and Tiger Claw meets the Subway Psycho. Steve, these two can't wait to get their hands on one another. SR: But when this match is over, the Psycho will wish he'd stayed at home in the sewers. That guy stinks, in more ways than one, and Tiger Claw is going to end his career right here tonight. TD: And Flare will get his chance for a little Horsemen justice when he takes on the Crippler one-on-one. We caught up with the Crippler earlier today in his gym: [SCENE: he Crippler working out in his old gym, pummelling some poor jobber with drop kicks, and then a painful looking leg lock. As soon as the goon has screamed enough, The Crippler lets him up. He speaks:] "Flair, Flare...whatever.....this is a message to you. You did not beat me before, and you will not beat me again, I am ready to destroy you, to move on to the next level of competition." [He hops down from the ring and stares at the camera.] "PREPARE TO BE CRIPPLED!!!!" [Fade] TD: Ever the picture of no-nonsense intensity! Well, folks, all in all, that's quite a card by anybody's reckoning, and this capacity crowd is ready to begin! Let's go down to the ring. [Ding! Ding! Ding! Cut to the ring.] The Returners vs. The Barnacle Brothers ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RA: Tonight's opening encounter is a tag team attraction scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, already in the ring and weighing in at a combined weight of 624lbs, the Barnacle Brothers. [A couple of middle-aged Popeye lookalikes wave their arms to the crowd, who couldn't possibly care less.] TD: Not much of a reaction for the Barnacles here tonight, Steve. SR: I'm not surprised. These guys were past their prime when the Titanic sunk. RA: And now, introducing their opponents: weighing in at a combined weight of 575lbs, and accompanied to the ring by Celes Cole, here are The Returners, Sabin Rene Figaro and Locke Cole! [Big face pop as "Gangsta's Paradise" blares out over the PA.] TD: Now there's some very interesting history behind this tag team, Steve. Figaro is known as the "Royalty of the Street" because of his tough upbringing. The fans seem to love these guys. SR: Frankly, Dross, I don't give a damn. These guys could have enough dough to buy the Brooklyn Bridge, and they'd still only be a pair of punks from the gutter. On the other hand, their manager is a babe. TD: Don't go getting any ideas, Steve - Locke Cole is _very_ protective towards his beautiful wife, and I wouldn't want to get on his bad side. SR: I wouldn't mind getting on his wife's good side, if you know what I mean. TD: Steve, please! You're beginning to sound like Moondust! [Figaro enters the ring to start things off against Barnacle 1. He immediately hits with a volley of high-impact moves, including a powerbomb and an elbowdrop off the second rope. Barnacle 1 lays flat out in the ring.] SR: [mocking, imitating Popeye] "Helpsk, Olivesk! I'ves fallensk down and I can'tsk get up!" TD: Will you please stop! [Figaro tags in Cole, who whips Barnacle 1 into his home corner, allowing Barnacle 2 to make the tag and enter the ring. Cole floors Barnacle 2 with a superkick, and then goes to the top rope. The crowd begin to pop louder and louder as Barnacle 2 staggers to his feet and Cole nearly takes the sailor's head off with a clothesline from the top. Big pop. Cole tags in Figaro, and they doubleteam Barnacle 2 with a Double Slingshot Suplex. Figaro makes the cover, while Cole deals with Barnacle 1. Count - 1 - 2 - 3! Ding! Ding! Ding!] RA: Here are your winners, by pinfall: The Returners! [Celes Cole joins her men in the ring and raises their arms in victory. The crowd pops loudly as they leave the ring together, high-fiving the fans as they go.] TD: I think the Returners certainly have a bright future here in the IIWF, Steve! SR: Maybe so. I'll give you this: that was an impressive display of athleticism - and they have a cute manager... TD: [disbelieving] What are you like, Steve?! Now we're going to see Dan Kauffman and Joe Latta in action as they tag up against the Rotundos. But before we do, I'd like to show you something. SR: Please, Dross, not in public! TD: Will you stop?! No, what I'm talking about is a piece of footage recorded earlier this week, when I paid a visit to Deathbringer. He was, shall we say, not a happy chappy: [SCENE: The mortuary. The Coroner stands in front of the door Deathbringer broke through during the last interview. It seems to be fixed.] The Coroner: "Welcome, Dross... Things seem to have normalized again, Deathbringer was very quiet during the last hours. He listened to the interview with Kauffman and became somewhat meditative. He asked me to let you in and I guess he has some words to say. Just step through this door, but don't stay in there for too long!" [The Coroner opens the door and Dross steps inside. There in a casket lies Deathbringer. As Dross approaches he sits up and stares at him] TD [uncomfortable]: "Nice to meet you, Deathbringer!" [No reaction. The piercing red-eyes of Deathbringer still lay on Dross' face] TD [even more uncomfortable]: "Let's talk about your match against Dan Kauffman on last saturday's card. It was a great battle indeed and you dominated most of the match. However, as the bout was almost over some guy known as Joe Latta jumped in and cost you the win. What are your feelings now, after a few days, about what happened?" [As Dross speaks Deathbringer's eyes begin to glow more intense. After a short pause Deathbringer speaks, his eyes dropping back to a normal level] Deathbringer: "During the last few days I thought about the match over and over again. I clearly dominated it and I should have been declared the victor. Then somebody cowardly jumps me from behind, the referee breaks the count and makes the match a no-contest. But that is not the point. The point is that YOU, Kauffman, once again betrayed yourself. You told me about the seven keys to victory and that they would take you all through the match. Now where was your heart, where was your attitude?" TD: "Now don't forget that Kauffman denies knowledge of Latta's plan to intervene!" Deathbringer: "Kauffman, do not lie again and say that it was not your idea. If the whole situation was half as painful to you as you want me to believe it is, then why do you not turn away from Joe Letta, but enter his car? Kauffman, with that deed you lost my once growing respect. I simply cannot understand why all those spectators still stand behind you and your comrade, for you do not even stay behind your own principles. Blindsiding somebody in a match you have nothing to do in is the most despicable deed a wrestler can do and if somebody orders the other one to do it, it makes it even worse." TD: "So, to put it straight, you accuse Dan Kauffman of using unfair tactics just to make sure that he can win a match?" Deathbringer: "Indeed, Dross... After our first match Kauffman knew that he would not be able to survive in a second encounter. So he made his own preparations. Look at me, Dross. You know me for quite a while now. I never used any illegal manoveures or even tactics, I never cheated, but I always stood behind the things I believe in. Betraying yourself is the most disgusting thing one can do. The fans do not like me, and I do not care, but at least I think they give me the respect I deserve. The respect for being what I am. And that is much more important than winning a bout." TD: "What are your upcoming plans concerning Kauffman and Latta?" Deathbringer [his eyes begin to glow more intense once again]: "To bury them." [Deathbringer lies back and closes the casket] TD: I'm getting out of here! [Dross heads for the exit, and quickly passes the Coroner. Fade. Cut back to the announcers' table.] SR: Hey, did the big zombie scare you, Dross? TD: I don't mind telling you that interviewing Deathbringer is one of the most unpleasant parts of this job. If I were Kauffman or Latta, I'd be having trouble sleeping right now. Dan Kauffman & Joe Latta vs. The Rotundos ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [The Rotundos come down the aisle to negligible reaction.] RA: The following contest is a tag team attraction scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, currently in the ring, and weighing in at 630lbs, the Rotundos! [The crowd remain silent.] TD: I'm sure those guys just keep getting bigger and bigger. SR: And they still can't win a match. Tragic. RA: And their opponents, coming down the aisle, accompanied by Carla Daughtery, with a combined weight of 495lbs, Dan "Flash" Kauffman and Joe Latta! [The crowd give a good face reaction as the threesome walk down the aisle. Latta seems really excited, while Dan looks his usual determined self. When they get to the ring, Latta quickly steps through the ropes as if to take centre stage, and charges the Rotundos, clotheslining one out of the ring, and punching the other before pressing him above his head in a display of strength and dumping him in the centre of the ring. Big pop.] TD: Wow, that Latta sure is powerful - and his technique's not bad for a rookie! SR: Yeah, but he's too enthusiastic, too excitable - he's bound to make a mistake. [Kauffman signals Latta to go and talk with him in their corner. He seems to instruct Latta to be a little more calm. Meanwhile, Rotundo 1 has tagged in Rotundo 2. Latta turns and locks up with the big man, hitting him with a couple of uppercut forearms before executing a headlock takedown.] TD: And he knows some mat moves too! This guy is promising... [Latta whips Rotundo 1 into the ropes and hits him with a flying clothesline, and then hoists him up and seats him on one of the top turnbuckles. The crowd begin to get excited as Latta climbs to the top rope, and they pop hugely as he executes a belly-to-belly suplex from the top! Latta tags in Kauffman.] TD: What a manoeuvre! I'm really impressed with this guy, Steve - and it seems Kauffman's calming influence really works. [Kauffman drags Rotundo 1 to his feet, whips him into the ropes, and performs his devastating "Lights Out" flipping clothesline, which nearly takes the Rotundo's head off. Huge pop. Kauffman goes for the cover, and Latta storms across the ring to stop Rotundo 2 from interfering - but the fat man simply jumps from the apron, wanting no part of Joe. The referee counts - 1 - 2 - 3! Ding! Ding! Ding!] RA: Here are your winners, by pinfall: Dan "Flash" Kauffman and Joe Latta! [The crowd cheer wildly as Kauffman, Latta and Carla celebrate in the ring. The Rotundos head for the locker room area. Suddenly, the lights in the arena drop, and the crowd falls silent.] TD: Oh no! SR: Dross, let go of me! [A pair of red eyes illuminate the video wall, and a haunting voice is heard across the arena: "Kauffman! Latta! Prepare to meet your maker..." The crowd give a big heel pop as the lights come back up. Kauffman tries to hold Joe Latta back, but Joe is incensed, and charges from the ring back to the locker-room area. Kauffman and Daughtery follow him.] TD: I have a feeling that Joe won't find the Deathbringer back there. He's just so creepy... SR: Yeah... but not as creepy as you grabbing me in the dark! TD: Sorry about that, Steve. Don't know what came over me. Now it's time for our special handicap match, pitting Altair against High Velocity. Let's remind ourselves how this situation became so heated: [Cut to footage of Altair plunging from the ring against Tiger Claw from Coronation Clash. Cut to his elimination from the battle royal to crown the new Intercontinental Champion. Brief footage is shown of his altercation with the Senator, who threatens him with termination. Cut to last week's Saturday Night, when Altair chained the cage shut and cost High Velocity their victory. Finally, cut to the attack by High Velocity on Altair backstage after Saturday Night.] Steve, that was one of the most brutal assaults I've seen. It just goes to show what kind of a man the Senator is, and what kind of a team High Velocity are. SR: Yeah, a great one. The Senator laid it all on the line with Altair, and the great goof kept screwing up. How many more chances does a guy need? I like the Senator's style: not only is he terminating Altair's employment, but he's also doing it in public! This is going to be great! TD: Well, I wouldn't be so sure that Altair is on his way out. I wouldn't be surprised to see another half-baked scheme from the Senator backfire, meaning that him and his team would have to leave the IIWF! The stakes are certainly high... LOSER LEAVES IIWF HANDICAP MATCH: Altair vs. High Velocity ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [High Velocity come to the ring with the Senator to a loud heel pop. They laugh in derision at the crowd. Altair comes out to the ring to a good face pop, and he signals that he wants the microphone.] SR: Oh no, don't tell me we're going to get a touching farewell speech! TD: Shut up, Steve! [Altair takes the microphone and speaks:] Altair: So it's come to this, has it, Senator? You had to beat me like a dog, just 'cos I didn't win right away! Well, tonight, I've got the chance to really prove myself, and as a bonus, get you out of the IIWF for good! [Pop] So I decided to enlist a little help in my preparations for this match. I decided to get a few lessons from a guy who really knew his way around the ring, not like you, Senator. Everyone knows you bought your way to victory, just like you bought your way onto the Senate. Tonight, the buck stops here! May I introduce to you: the "Outlaw" Josey Wales! [The crowd doesn't know what to think as Wales comes down to the ring. The Senator goes nuts, and immediately collars the referee, attempting to get Wales banished from ringside. The referee refuses to oblige, and it is ruled that the match should begin. Ding! Ding! Ding!] TD: Well, that's a real surprise, Steve! SR: Yeah, it sure is! The monkey can talk! [High Velocity charge Altair as he bends to hand the microphone to a cable puller at ringside. Altair turns in an instant and double clotheslines High Velocity. As they get to their feet, he bangs their heads together. They go down. Pop. Altair drops a leg on T. Rowe, and an elbow on J.R. Metro, before leaving the ring and going after the Senator, who backs around the ring until he is met by Josey Wales, who taps him on the shoulder. The Senator spins around and is greeted with a punch to the midsection. Altair grabs the Senator and attempts a belly-to-back suplex, but is stopped in the nick of time by J.R. Metro leaping at him from the apron. Altair goes down, and the Senator threatens Wales. The two managers get into a punch-up, much to the delight of the crowd.] TD: Wow! Good to see that the Outlaw can still mix it up after all these years! SR: Hey, the Senator's no slouch either, Dross. And I don't remember Wales ever holding any world titles, unlike the Senator, a world champion many times over! [Meanwhile, Metro and Rowe are doubleteaming Altair. They throw him back into the ring, and take turns in stomping and punching him. Rowe goes to the top rope and attempts to hit Altair with an elbow smash. Altair, however, rolls out of the way, and Rowe hits the mat hard. Pop. Altair groggily gets to his feet and sees the Senator attacking Wales. He goes to the ropes, and catapults himself over with a tope dive, landing on the Senator and knocking him up the aisle. Huge pop. The winded Wales joins in the round of applause for the Senator. Altair turns and his head is almost taken off as he is clotheslined hard down onto the arena's concrete floor by J.R. Metro.] TD: Yow! That's gotta hurt! SR: It would hurt any normal human being, Dross, but Altair's not just any normal human being. He's an incredibly stupid human being. It looked to me like his head bounced! TD: You're disgusting, Steve! SR: Yeah, isn't it great? TD: No comment. [There are echoes of the backstage assault as Metro viciously piledrives Altair onto the concrete floor. The crowd jeer loudly, and Metro yells for them to shut up. He drives Altair's head into the steel railings with a sickening clang. Big heel pop. He drags Altair back into the ring, and hauls his now motionless carcass onto the apron. He rolls him into the ring. T. Rowe has now recovered, and immediately hits Altair with a brainbuster. Altair is flat out on the canvas. Metro hauls Altair to his feet again and snaps a vicious backspin DDT. The crowd heel pop is deafening.] TD: This is ridiculous! They're not happy with just beating Altair, they want to maim him! SR: Yeah! Go for it, High Velocity! [The assault continues in the ring. The Senator staggers to his feet, and is immediately met with a painful armbar by Wales. As Metro covers Altair in the ring, the High Plains Drifters storm the aisle. The crowd even manage a vague face pop. The referee counts - 1 - 2 - the Drifters are nearly in the ring - 3! The Drifters burst into the ring, but a split-second too late, and the match is over. They punish High Velocity with a vicious attack, and leave Metro and Rowe laid out on the canvas.] TD: Well, that's poetic justice, Steve, but it hasn't saved Altair. I guess this is the last time we'll see him in the IIWF. SR: Yeah, and the last thing anybody will remember about Altair is that he left the IIWF in an ambulance! Those Drifters have really got it coming, Dross. [Wales and the Drifters leave ringside, ahead of the stretcher crew who have come to remove Altair from the ring. Eventually, to huge heel reaction, High Velocity and the Senator stumble back up the aisle to the locker room area.] Flare vs. The Crippler ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TD: You'll remember back to the Intercontinental Championship battle royal from our first Saturday Night, three weeks ago. The Crippler was responsible for Flare's elimination: [Cut to footage of the battle royal, showing Flare fly out of the ring. The Crippler is seen being eliminated, and then attacked by the Outlaw.] SR: And now it's time for a little Horseman retribution! TD: Well, I don't know about that, Steve. What I _do_ think we're going to see is a very fiercely-contested and athletic encounter. SR: In which Flare pastes the Crippler into the mat! Whooo! [The Crippler comes out to the ring to a mixed reaction. Some of the older fans cheer him, but most of the kids don't seem to care. When Flare comes out, however, accompanied by Miss Victoria Secret and Brad "Bodybag" Kinder, the whole crowd erupts with jeers, apart from a small pocket of fans at ringside who cheer Flare and shout "whoo!" at him. Flare is disrobed in the centre of the ring, and after his valet leaves the squared circle, he steps right up to the Crippler, and "whoo"s into his masked opponent's face. The Crippler slaps Flare, who goes down. Pop. Flare is quickly back on his feet, and immediately rains blows on the Crippler, backing him into the corner with reverse knife edge chops. Flare flips the Crippler out of the corner, and "whoo"s at him again. He leans through the ropes and plants a kiss on the cheek of Victoria Secret, but is attacked from behind by the Crippler, who attacks Flare's knee. Flare reels in pain, but the Crippler keeps up his assault, grapevining the leg. Flare inches towards the ropes and manages to break the hold.] SR: There's that Horseman ring savvy, Dross! Whoo! [Flare gets to his feet, but is hit by a vicious legsweep faceslam, and he hits the canvas hard once more. Flare rolls out of the ring under the bottom rope and regroups with Kinder and Miss Secret. Flare stalls on the outside for what seems an eternity, generating a lot of crowd heat, before climbing back onto the apron, and entering the ring with a sunset flip on the Crippler. He gets the Crippler's shoulders down - Count - 1 - Kick out!] TD: It'll take a lot more than that to put the Crippler away, Steve. SR: Yeah, I know. But it's early days yet, Dross. [Flare stomps on the Crippler's knee, and then lays it over the ropes. The crowd reaction starts to build as Miss Secret leaps onto the apron to distract the referee. Brad Kinder hangs onto the Crippler's leg while Flare attacks it brutally. The crowd pop at the referee, but he seems too beguiled by Secret to turn around. Finally the referee turns, and Kinder immediately lets go of the Crippler's leg and wanders off, innocently. Flare "whoo"s in the referee's face, drags the Crippler into the centre of the ring, and grapevines his leg with the excruciating Figure Four Leglock.] TD: Yowch! Shades of Tony Starks from last week, Steve. The Crippler won't be able to withstand this hold for long... [The Crippler writhes in agony in the ring, and submits quickly. The referee signals for the bell to ring, and as Flare releases the hold, the strains of "Also Sprach Zarathustra" ring out majestically across the arena. Flare is joined in the ring by Bodybag and Miss Secret, each of whom raises one of Flare's arms. The crowd give a big heel pop.] RA: Here is your winner, by submission: Flare! [The Horsemen kick the Crippler out of the ring under the bottom rope before Flare parades the lovely Miss Secret around the ring on his shoulder.] SR: Whoo! They're sure stylin' and profilin' now, Dross! [Eventually, the Horsemen leave the ring, amidst the jeers of the crowd, and the referee assists the Crippler back to the locker room area.] Casey "Whitebread" James vs. Moondust ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TD: Now this promises to be a very interesting encounter, Steve. SR: It sure does, Dross. Moondust has really freaked Casey out - guess he's not as tolerant as his apple pie image makes him out to be! I told you Moondust is the master of the mind game, and he's going to prove it here tonight with a victory over ol' "Cornbread". ["Hello Spaceboy" begins to play, and Moondust saunters to the aisle, licking his lips at male members of the crowd, and attempting to stroke some fans' faces. Big heel pop. He enters the ring, and minces over to one corner. He rubs himself up and down against the buckles, and seems to enjoy it hugely.] TD: What a weirdo. This guy is definitely a few pennies short of a Swiss bank account. SR: He's damned clever, Dross - and he can wrestle too! ["Yankee Doodle Dandy" blares out across the PA system, and Casey James comes to the ring to a big face pop, tending to those members of the crowd who had been molested by Moondust. He does a circuit of the ring, hi-fiving the fans, and is watched by Moondust. He climbs the ring steps but seems reluctant to enter the ring. Eventually he steps between the ropes, and is met by a fond caress of his face by Moondust. James visibly turns a bright crimson shade and attacks Moondust with volley after volley of punches and kicks, practically pounding him into the mat. He seems to regain his composure after a while, and stands above the trembling form of Moondust. He appears almost apologetic, and offers his hand to Moondust, who takes it and kisses it. James goes ballistic again, but in his rage, is sloppy, and as he charges at Moondust in a corner of the ring, hits the buckles hard when 'Dust dodges out of the way. Moondust takes great pleasure in grabbing the stunned James from behind and executing a snap belly-to-back suplex. Big heel pop. Moondust goes for the cover, running his fingers over Casey's chest - Count - 1 - 2 - Kick out!] SR: You see, Dross? Opponents get sloppy when they're in there with Moondust, because he's just so clever with those mind game tactics of his. He's going to put James away fairly quickly, I reckon. [James stumbles to his feet, clearly a little woozy, but fires back at Moondust with hard right hands. Moondust blocks the punches, and slaps Casey in retaliation. The crowd begin to buzz as Billy Shakespeare appears at the top of the aisle.] SR: _Now_ what does that infuriating little puke want?! [Billy slowly walks down the length of the aisle. He joins Dross and Roberts at the commentary table.] TD: Billy, what brings you out here? BS: Well, as you know, Moondust has been seeking an audience with the IIWF's fastest rising star for some time. I am here to give him the audition he deserves. SR: What are you on about, Shakespuke? BS: Now, now, Mr. Roberts - your harsh words do your silver tongue an injustice. What I mean to say is this: Moondust is the trickster fairie, on that we can all agree - he is certainly original in his manner of interference - so he must be Puck, and this must be "A Midsummer Night's Dream". In that case, I'll give him a special gift, from the one who is "Born to Perform". [Billy gets up from the announcers' table and walks round the ring to the mouth of the aisle.] SR: What on earth was that guy talking about, Dross? TD: I have a feeling we're all about to find out, Steve. [Moondust stops his slugfest with Casey, flooring James with an atomic drop, and turns to blow a kiss at Billy. Billy bows back at Moondust, and then whistles in the direction of the top of the aisle. Within moments, half a dozen scantily-clad female nymphs swirl down the aisle and enter the ring, raining kisses down on Moondust. The crowd pops hugely, some laughing, others cheering Billy. The referee, confused, signals for the timekeeper to ring the bell.] SR: Aw, give me a break, Dross! This is ridiculous! [Moondust seems embarrassed by the attention of these gorgeous young ladies, and flees the ring, barely even slowing to curse Billy as he flies up the aisle, amidst the laughter and cheers of the crowd. The nymphs depart, each planting a kiss on Billy as they pass him. He bows to each in turn, and then enters the ring. He explains to Casey what has just happened, and the bemused James rubs his head in disbelief. Billy raises Casey's arm in victory, and his music blares out once more. The crowd pop hugely for the two men in the ring. Meanwhile, the referee consults with the ring announcer.] TD: So what decision are we going to get from this one?! RA: After consultation with the match official, this match has been ruled a draw. [Mixed reaction from the crowd.] SR: A draw?! James should have been disqualified, Dross! TD: Well, that's debatable, Steve. Under normal circumstances, that would have constituted outside interference, in which case, I'd agree, Casey should have been disqualified. But that was totally unsolicited on Casey's part, and it was hardly an attack on Moondust in the traditional sense. SR: You're telling me! I wonder whether Pukespeare hires those young ladies out? TD: Steve, what _is_ the matter with you this week? [Billy and Casey leave the ring, amidst a huge face pop from the fans.] TD: Anyway, now it's time for another long-awaited clash: as the martial arts expert Tiger Claw faces the fan favourite Subway Psycho! Let's quickly go backstage and get some last-minute comments from Brian Lau: [Cut to a locker-room. Brian Lau stands with Tiger Claw.] Brian: Alright, people... I've got a demonstration for you. The purpose of Tiger Claw's match tonight is to make sure that Subway Psycho can no longer interfere in Tiger Claw's match ups, thus giving us a fair shot at the IC belt that is rightfully ours. As a demonstration, I give you this. [Brian holds out a baseball bat, grasping it at both ends and holding it vertically. Tiger Claw concentrates for a second, and then lets loose a round shin kick that breaks the bat into two pieces. Tiger Claw then walks away as if it was nothing] Brian Lau: Well, isn't that interesting? Tiger kicked cleanly through that baseball bat... Something about the same thickness of, say, a shin bone... I don't envy you, Subway Psycho... In fact, I hate you. Have a good match. HA! [Cut back to the announcers' table.] TD: Ouch. Well, let's get down to action. Tiger Claw vs. Subway Psycho ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [Tiger Claw comes to the ring accompanied by Brian Lau. The crowd greet them with jeers.] SR: I wish these morons would learn to appreciate class. [The lights of the arena drop, and as "Crazy Train" blares out over the PA, the figure of the Subway Psycho is seen cast in silhouette against the single light of the train on the video wall. He sprints to the ring and hits it like a tornado, battering Claw right from the get-go. One vicious boot to the head sends Claw flying over the top rope and to the outside. Big face pop.] TD: I don't think Claw's going to be able to stop this runaway train, Steve! [Claw is shaken, but has enough wits about him to grab Psycho's leg and drag him under the bottom rope. He chops Subway viciously, and hits him with his deadly knee fury. Psycho goes down. Big heel pop. Claw goes to the apron, and drops an elbow on the Psycho. Another pop. He picks the Psycho up and rolls him back into the ring, then catapults himself over the ropes and hits a legdrop on the flat-out Psycho. Claw applies a nerve-hold on the Psycho, who appears to be flagging.] SR: This is it, Dross - Tiger Claw will force the Psycho to submit. This hold is so painful, you can pass out from the agony. [The crowd begins a chant of "Psy-cho! Psy-cho!" and the Subway Psycho begins to stir. Psycho fights to his feet, and the crowd pop as he drives an elbow into Claw's midsection. He whips Claw into the ropes and hits with a headscissors. Big pop. Psycho drops onto Claw's form and begins pummelling away on him. Suddenly, the IIWF Champion, the Outlaw, appears at the head of the aisle. Amidst many jeers, he saunters down the aisle with the belt gleaming around his waist.] TD: Oh no, what's the Outlaw doing here?! SR: I expect he's come to gloat at these two wannabe champions... [The Psycho turns in the ring and sees the Outlaw at ringside. The momentary distraction is all the recovering Tiger Claw needs, and he attacks Subway from behind with a spinning leg lariat, but the Psycho seems to possess a sixth sense, and drops to the canvas. Claw gets tangled up in the ropes, and falls to the outside, at the feet of the Outlaw. Brian Lau immediately jumps to the ring apron, prompting the referee to turn his back on the wrestlers. On the outside, the Outlaw looks down at the figure of Tiger Claw, but is hit suddenly by a flying Subway Psycho, who nails him with a double axe-handle from the apron. Outlaw goes down, but is immediately on his feet and takes off his belt to use as a weapon. The Psycho sees this, and grabs the belt from the Outlaw, hammering him around the head with it. Big pop. As Tiger Claw gets to his feet, the Psycho uses the championship belt on him, too, laying him out on the canvas. The crowd pop as the Psycho drops the belt onto the Outlaw's chest. Meanwhile, the referee finally convinces Lau to get down from the apron, and turns. All he sees is the Psycho roll Tiger Claw into the ring, and go to the buckles.] TD: He's going for the Derailer! SR: I can't believe what we're seeing here, Dross! [The Psycho hits the Derailer leg drop on Claw, and the crowd cheer wildly as he goes for the cover - 1 - 2 - 3! Ding! Ding! Ding!] RA: Here is your winner: the Subway Psycho! SR: What a miscarriage of justice! The Psycho attacked the Outlaw without provocation, and then uses a foreign object to attack both the champion and Tiger Claw! Brian Lau isn't going to let the Psycho forget about this in a hurry! [The Outlaw stirs, and groggily makes his way back to the locker-room area, amidst the jeers of the crowd. The Subway Psycho heads almost directly after him, as if he wants to continue the attack. Brian Lau leaps into the ring and begins remonstrating with Tiger Claw, dragging him to his feet and all the way down the aisle, as if he had committed a heinous crime. The crowd jeer the pair back to the locker-room.] TD: Well, Steve, I hope the Psycho doesn't catch up with the Outlaw again - the Champion's scheduled up in a minute for his defence against Simon Lebec. SR: Ah, but not until we've seen a new Intercontinental Champion crowned! ----------------------------------------- IIWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: ----------------------------------------- Hakiro Matsuoko vs. Venusian Death Cell ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TD: This is probably one of the worst mismatches in the history of pro- wrestling. We have Matsuoko, a superb light heavyweight, against that monstrous Venusian Death Cell - and it's for the title. I hope Hakiro is well-prepared for this match. SR: Well, speaking from personal experience, I don't think you can ever really be prepared for the VDC. That... thing... is unstoppable. Plus he always seems to be hungry. Ravenous, even. RA: The following match is scheduled for one fall, and is for the IIWF Intercontinental Championship. Introducing first, weighing in at 215lbs, and hailing from Tokyo, Japan: the IIWF Intercontinental Champion - "Angel of the Sun" Hakiro Matsuoko! [The lights in the arena drop, and the crowd is illuminated by the flashes of rockets and flares that erupt in the arena. Kodo music blares out over the arena PA, and Hakiro Matsuoko makes his way to the ring.] TD: As always, Hakiro is the picture of intensity and focus. SR: And lunch for the VDC, served with fries and a Coke. [The lights come back up, and the Venusian Death Cell's cage is wheeled to ringside, led by the jailer and two handlers. Big heel reaction.] RA: And here is the challenger: weighing in at 332lbs, hailing from Venus, and led to the ring by his jailer and handlers, the Venusian Death Cell! TD: This creature is simply uncontrollable. Once they open that cage, anything goes here tonight! [The cage is opened, and the VDC explodes into the ring. The jailer, who is carrying a prod of some kind, begins shouting instructions at the VDC. Hakiro dodges the first attack from the VDC, and counters with a flurry of spinning kicks. The third roundhouse kick sends the VDC over the ropes and to the outside. Big pop. The jailer immediately goes over to where the VDC has fallen, and attacks him with the prod, electrocuting the VDC. He snarls, but gets back into the ring. He is whipped into the ropes by Hakiro. Hakiro runs into the ropes too, and expects to find the VDC in the middle of the ring. He launches himself into the air with a dropkick, but the VDC has grabbed the ropes. Hakiro crashes to the mat. VDC capitalises, and easily picks Hakiro up, powerbombing him to the mat. He picks him up again and piledrives him. Big heel pop.] SR: Hakiro's in real trouble now, Dross. TD: He certainly can't be in good shape after those high-impact manoeuvres, that's for sure... but he's a very tough competitor. SR: Toughness hardly compares with animal brutality, Dross. [The jailer instructs the VDC to throw Hakiro out of the ring, which he does. Hakiro sails over the top rope as if he weighed only a couple of pounds. He hits the floor hard. The VDC follows him out through the ropes, and immediately has the jailer yelling in his ear. He picks up Hakiro, and as instructed by the jailer, powerbombs him through the timekeeper's table! Huge heel pop!] TD: Holy cow! That's got to be it for Hakiro! The VDC is a monster! SR: Yeah, and that's why he's undefeated, Dross. [With the jailer threatening him with the prod, the VDC rolls Hakiro back into the ring and stands above him. He looks around him, and sees the crowd jeering him. Suddenly, the jailer rams the prod into the VDC's leg, and the VDC jumps. The crowd finally seem alerted to the cruelty of the prod, and begin jeering the jailer. VDC turns again and covers Hakiro - but before the referee can make the count, he seems to flip, and vaults over the ropes to the arena floor. He snarls at the jailer, and then, to the delight of the crowd, attacks him viciously, beating him to the floor and then grabbing the prod. The crowd pops hugely as the VDC uses the prod repeatedly on the jailer and on his handlers. The referee, however, is counting the VDC out - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10! Ding! Ding! Ding! On the outside, the VDC doesn't seem to notice that the match is over, until the handlers and his jailer lie motionless at his feet. He turns and sees a now stirring Hakiro on the ring. To the shock of the crowd, he rolls back into the ring under the ropes and prods Hakiro at the base of the neck. The crowd give a huge negative reaction. The referee finally pursuades the VDC to relinquish the prod, but gets prodded himself for his trouble. Finally, as other officials storm the aisle, the VDC makes a break for freedom through the crowd, who part like the Red Sea before him, terrified of an attack from the prod. Suddenly, a huge form steps in the path of the VDC - and it is the "Green Giant" Jack Haley.] TD: Oh no! We've got big problems now! Somebody get some security out here, fast! SR: Why, Dross? This is going to be great! Ever since Haley started hanging around with the Horsemen, he's been a different guy! TD: But what exactly _is_ going on between Haley and the Horsemen? Is he a Horseman, or not? [The VDC immediately attacks Haley, who seems ready for the assault, and the two of them brawl all the way through the crowd to an exit. Haley uses the VDC's head to smash open the door, and the two figures disappear out of the arena. The ring is slowly cleared. Hakiro seems to be okay, but very shaken.] RA: Here is your winner, by countout, and STILL IIWF Intercontinental Champion: Hakiro Matsuoko! TD: What on earth is going to happen to Haley and the Venusian Death Cell now? We'll try and get some cameras to follow them, and we'll try and have an update before the end of the show... [Big face pop as Hakiro collects his belt and leaves the ring under his own steam.] TD: Well, that was absolute chaos, Steve! SR: I don't think I'm going to sleep very well tonight, Dross, knowing that the Venusian Death Cell is loose on the streets. TD: He really is one of the most unpredictable and dangerous forces I have ever seen in the ring. Who knows where he'll show up next? SR: But perhaps even more disturbing is the way that Haley's been acting recently. He really seems to have ended up with a screw loose this past couple of weeks. I kind of like it. TD: Hmm... I'm still not sure what to think. Right now, folks, it's time for tonight's main event. I hope the Outlaw has recovered from that blow earlier on, because if he hasn't, Simon Lebec could make him pay dearly. ------------------------------------------ IIWF WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: ------------------------------------------ Outlaw vs. "Showstopper" Simon Lebec ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RA: The following encounter is tonight's main event, and it is for the IIWF World Heavyweight Championship! Introducing first, the challenger, coming down the aisle, accompanied by Miss Crystal, weighing in at 239lbs, "Showstopper" Simon Lebec! [Lebec comes out to the ring accompanied by Miss Crystal to a moderate heel pop. He, as always, seems to ignore the fans, being too caught up in his own spectacle. He enters the ring and disrobes.] TD: How do you rate Lebec's chances in this one, Steve? SR: Like a snowball's chances of survival in the fires of hell, Dross. TD: That's what I like about you, Steve - you always have a straight answer. SR: Call the match, Dross. RA: And introducing his opponent: coming down the aisle, hailing from parts unknown and weighing in at 353lbs, the Outlaw! [The Outlaw comes out alone, with the IIWF World Heavyweight Championship around his waist. He stops occasionally in the aisle to deride particular fans, and yanks an "Outlaw Sucks" sign from one fan, ripping it up in front of him and throwing it back into the crowd.] TD: Well, the Outlaw looks fully recovered... but where are the other Horsemen? SR: They'll be here, Dross. They always watch each others' backs. [The Outlaw enters the ring, and Lebec stands in one corner, thoughtfully inspecting his opponent. The Outlaw disrobes, and the two of them meet in the centre of the ring. Lebec pushes the Outlaw, who retaliates with a kick to the midsection and a powerbomb. Big heel pop. Lebec rolls groggily out of the ring. The Outlaw follows him out and rams his head into the steel crowd barriers, then Irish whips him into the ring steps.] TD: Lebec's taking a hell of a beating here! SR: Yeah, this is great! [Miss Crystal finally steps in front of Lebec, and the Outlaw ceases his assault momentarily. He seems to think about what he is about to do, and then grabs Crystal, and pushes her away. The referee leaps from the ring and threatens the Outlaw with disqualification, and the crowd give a huge heel pop.] TD: What a despicable thing to do, laying a finger on Miss Crystal! SR: Huh! The stupid woman shouldn't have gotten in the Outlaw's way. TD: [shocked] Steve! Please! [The Outlaw rolls Lebec back into the ring and climbs to the apron. Lebec somehow has the presence of mind to drive his shoulder into the Outlaw's midsection, knocking the Outlaw from the ring. The champion falls hard onto the referee, who is tending to Miss Crystal. Lebec woozily climbs through the ropes and finds the strength to piledrive the Outlaw onto the arena floor.] TD: This is carnage out here! I think this match will have to be stopped! [Another official runs down to ringside and bends over the injured referee. He indicates that he is now the match official, and signals Lebec and the Outlaw to return to the ring. Lebec rolls the Outlaw into the ring under the bottom rope, and climbs to the top rope. The crowd begin to buzz as Lebec poses to the fans.] SR: Lebec's making a big mistake - he's allowing his opponent time to recover... and all because he's such a show-off. [The Outlaw manages to get onto all fours, and grabs the top rope, shaking it and causing Lebec to fall rather painfully, straddling the top turnbuckle. Big pop. The Outlaw gets to his feet and stands on the second buckle. He grabs Lebec and suplexes him from the top rope, sending the hapless challenger flying almost three-quarters of the way across the ring. The Outlaw seems to be regaining his strength, and signals for the "Cattle Buster". Big heel pop.] TD: If the Outlaw hits with the Cattle Buster, this one's all over! [The Outlaw drags Lebec to his feet and puts his head under his arm. He looks at the audience, raises one arm, and then drives Showstopper's head into the canvas with his vicious trademark DDT. He rolls Lebec over and goes for the cover - 1 - 2 - 3! Ding! Ding! Ding!] RA: Here is your winner, and still IIWF World Heavyweight Champion: the Outlaw! [Big heel pop as the Outlaw's arm is raised in victory and he is handed his belt by the stand-in official.] SR: This guy is a great champion. I can't see anybody being able to dethrone the mighty Outlaw! [Cut to shot of the broadcasters' table.] TD: Where are the other Horsemen? They haven't even shown up to celebrate their colleague's victory! I don't understand... SR: Yeah, well, that _is_ a little strange, Dross... TD: [interrupting, listening to his earpiece] Hang on... I've just received an update on what's happened between the Venusian Death Cell and Jack Haley... apparently they're in the car park of the Coliseum, and police have cordoned off the area... extra handlers have been sent from the Cell's jail to try and separate the two men... and it seems that Brad Kinder and Flare have been seen in the vicinity... SR: [upset] Great. If they touch my car, I'll kill them both. TD: Well, that's all we've got time for this week here on IIWF Saturday Night. What an evening's entertainment we've seen... don't forget that there'll be more incredible action live this Wednesday night, with IIWF Midweek Mayhem, and we'll see you back here next week for more Saturday Night matches. Until then, this is Tim Dross, for "Soundbite" Steve Roberts, saying: so long, everybody! SR: [distracted] I'm going to go check on my car... [As Roberts gets up from the table, cut to the Outlaw in the ring with his arms raised in victory, while Miss Crystal tends to Simon Lebec on the outside. Fade.] +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= I * I * W * F =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-+ | Send mail to univ0322@sable.ox.ac.uk with the subject lines: | | "send faq" for the FAQ + "send singles" or "send tag" for the | | rosters + "send handlers" for a list of handlers | +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ | IIWF Home: http://users.ox.ac.uk/~univ0322/iiwf/ | +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ | Submit material for the Report to univ0322@sable.ox.ac.uk | +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-+