##### ###### ### ########## ########## ########## #### ## ########## ########## ########## #### # #### ######## ##### ##### #### ## ##### #### #### #### #### ### #### #### #### #### ############# ######### #### #### ########### ######### #### #### #### #### #### ######### ######### ### #### #### ######### ######### ### ## #### ######## ######## ## # #### =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- ## =-=-=-= INTERNATIONAL INTERNET WRESTLING FEDERATION =============================================== Control Centre Report - 16 July 1996 ----------------------------------------------- Hi there, folks, and welcome to another IIWF Control Centre update! I'm Larry Morton, standing in for my broadcast colleague Tim Dross, and you won't believe all the action we've seen in the IIWF over the past weekend. In today's report, I'll be: - running down all the incredible events of Saturday night's card - getting updates on the conditions of Brassow, Altair and Tim Dross - updating you on the status of the IIWF World Tag Team Championship round robin tournament - bringing you news of yet more new superstars in the IIWF - looking ahead to tomorrow night's Midweek Mayhem - giving you the latest rankings and more! So let's get to it. IIWF Saturday Night - 13 July 1996 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The IIWF President gave us some pretaped comments on Saturday Night in which he stated that the "inmates can't be allowed to run the asylum". Well, as "Soundbite" Steve Roberts pointed out, it looks like they've already started their takeover bid. The IIWF is unhinged right now, and things are only going to get crazier in the next few weeks. Anyhow, let's recount the tale of how the descent began: - Don Antonio and Vinny Cappicola, THE FAMILY, defeated the ROTUNDOS. - THE GUIDING LIGHTS, Nate Lawson and Greg Augustine, defeated former IIWF Champions STEAMROLLER on a stoppage after Brassow's knee was seriously injured. We'll be getting an update on Brassow's condition later on, but from what I understand, things don't look good. - MAGUS defeated "NIFTY" NED NORTON. - In the second match of the IIWF tag team tournament, the HIGH PLAINS DRIFTERS reasserted their superiority with a victory over THE RETURNERS. - "SHOWSTOPPER" SIMON LEBEC defeated NAVCOM of the Armed Forces after clonking him with an Emmy award behind the referee's back. - "FROST" SCOTT MORRISON and "THE MACHINE" HUNTER ROBERTSON battled to an incredible, but inconclusive, double countout at the climax of an intense encounter. Let's get comments from the "Machine": [SCENE: Hunter Robertson is in the locker room. His face has a few bruises and scrapes.] HR: Frost, now this is _exactly_ what I came here for. To face the world's greatest. But, I did not come here for a double countout. You and I, my friend, are going to meet again, and it will be nothing short of a war. I took everything you had to dish out, same as you took all I dealt. But, I have seen your weakness. I am not going to say what it is, but I will wrestle a diferent match next time. Do yourself a favor and stay out of my way. [Fade] - BLACKJACK HALEY proved that he doesn't need the Horsemen by pinning PHANTOM Let's get comments from the giant: [SCENE: Locker room after Haley's obliteration of the Phantom. Haley toweling off after the match, kicking back with a Budweiser in one hand.] "I'm on the rise in the IIWF! I've got the best of both worlds. You want a brawl? You've got to go through 325 pounds of pure muscle. You want to wrestle nice, I'll grapple you into next week. And if you wanna play dirty, don't forget you're messin' with the master's disciple. I destroyed the Phantom. That sure felt good. Flare, that win was for you! But honestly, I'm going where no man has gone before. "So bring it on, Whitebread! Bring it on, Psycho! I don't care who you are. Ain't no holding back the pissed off Giant now! In the immortal words of the Dread Pirate Roberts, `I'm afraid I have to tell you. I'm not left-handed.' The gloves are off. And next time I step into the ring, heads are gonna roll." [Fade] I wouldn't want to be the giant's opponent tomorrow night at Mayhem. - TONY STARKS defeated debutant "PAINBRINGER" BILLY SEXTON by disqualification Starks had Sexton beaten in the middle of the ring, but as he covered him for the pin, Simon Lebec stormed the ring and attacked Starks with an Oscar, applying the Antagonist on Starks' knee. Had it not been for the American Heroes, who came to the rescue, Starks could have been very seriously injured on that weak knee of his. [SCENE: Tony Starks is in the IIWF Training Center, he has just finished up a grueling workout and is resting with ice on his tender knee.] TS: [intensely and calmly] Lebec, do you want to go on wrestling? Was it not enough that I took you apart and put you back together again at Ring Wars? Now, you think to stick your nose in my matches? You just made _the_ biggest mistake of your existence. You want your Oscar back? You can have it, I could not give away, I had to use it as a doorstop in my garage. You want my attention? You got it. And that is one thing that I do not think you want. You don't have any earthly idea what you are in for. "Painbringer" Billy Sexton, I have not forgotten about you either. You are not that lucky. You want to bring the pain? Bring it. Anything you bring is nothing compared to the pain that I caused myself. I do not feel that I defeated you Saturday night. You too are going to have to step up into the ring with me again. I won't go so easy on you next time. You think you know submission wrestling? I have forgotten more about submission wrestling than you could ever know in an infinite number of lifetimes. Like I said before, sometime, somewhere we are going to meet again, and I am going to put you both in your place. Right on your back, screaming for mercy like a gimp dog. And to everyone else that is listening to me: just 'cause I got these two clowns in my sights does not mean that I still do not have an Open Door Policy. Sign on the dotted line. Lebec and Sexton, watch my next match, I am dedicating this one to you two. Peace. . . [Fade] - ALTAIR was defeated by THE HANGMAN via submission after the Hangman's Noose sleeper hold. But after the match, the newcomer used the noose he carries to the ring to hang Altair over the ropes. It was feared that Altair had been killed in the attack, but thank heavens that was not the case. We'll have an update on his condition in just a moment. First, let's hear from the Senator and his men: [SCENE: The locker room of The Senator and his boys. We see The Senator patting The Hangman on the back. Standing next to him are the Atomic Destroyers, both are grinning from ear to ear. We hear a knock at the door.] The Senator: Who is it, and what do you want? Steve Roberts: Senator - can I get a word with you about tonight's matches? TS: Larn, let the man in; it's time we discussed a few things. [Larn opens the door and we see Steve enter the dressing room with a camera man in tow.] SR: Senator, I can't believe what we just saw tonight. It was great how you half-killed Altair. Do you have any comments? TS: Steve, you have just witnessed the most revolting act ever performed in the squared circle. If you think that the news and wire services won't show you, I believe you are dumber then I thought. I had The Wizard up in the stands videotaping the whole rotten mess. As soon as I can get to the Gym. I will be forwarding copies to all of the News and Wire services. We will let the public decide if The Hangman has gone too far. Hangman: Look, Steve, what you saw tonight is only a glimpse at why the other federations have banned me. I seem to remember you saying something earlier about the lack of blood. Well, here is a challenge I believe that the phoney cowboy Mr. Wales cannot refuse. Mr. Wales, I challenge your man the Venusian Death Cell to a First Blood match and by this I do not mean a little cut on the finger type of match. The fans of the IIWF want blood - your blood, sir. SR: I _do_ believe that the fans do want to see blood. I know I do! Your offer on their behalf should not go ignored. Steriod: I have a question for you, Steve. How in the world can the IIWF ignore our talents and not have put us into the tournament for the Tag Belts? I believe that the President has no power and is listening to the money backing this thing. It is always politics. Let me say this, Easy, Pale, and even you Mr. Wales, you will not be the champions, We will be at all of your matches and will make sure that the heat and flames of Hell, stop you. Larn: Drifters, you will rot and burn. Look at Altair he is on his way to Hell and does not even remember why. Before we send you, we will make sure you remember. TS: Well, Steve, I do believe that the interview is over. I will have The Hangman autograph a copy of the hanging and send it to you also. Tell the fans we have only begun and the worst is yet to come. [Steve and the cameraman turn and leave the locker room. Camera fades as the door is closed] What a disgusting bunch of hoods. I don't know what to say. Let's move on. - JOE LATTA pinned the MAN OF STEEL after Tiger Claw leaped into the ring and nailed Steel with a kneestrike from the top rope. After the match, the Subway Psycho burst onto the scene and chased Brian Lau and his Syndicate out of the building. Which created no small difficulties for the main event of the night, as we shall see in a moment. - The VENUSIAN DEATH CELL defeated Intercontinental Champion TIGER CLAW via a forfeit when Claw failed to return to the arena in time for the matchup. This really riled the Cell up, and when Tim Dross entered the ring to get comments from "Outlaw" Josey Wales and the VDC, the dangerous Venusian turned on him, chokeslamming him and drawing blood with his teeth. Dross had to be stretchered from the ring, and we'll hear from him in a moment. First, let's hear from Brian Lau about all of the action we saw on Saturday night: [SCENE: The familiar office in the back of the Dojo. Brian Lau sits at his desk with Sasha beside him, and Tiger Claw standing behind him. Kenny sits beside the desk.] KT: Hello, folks. I'm coming to you from the Sydicate headquarters with comments from Brian Lau. Listen up, people, because he's only going to say this once. BL: Or they could tape it and listen to me over and over again... KT: What do you think my VCR is doing right now at home? BL: Kenny, you sly fellow... Anyway, there's a lot of idiots I have to make comments about, so lets get to it... First, there's Deathbringer with his attitude. What is this guy's problem? Guess what, you can't take anyone's soul, and you're not a supernatural being. If you were, then wouldn't you have better things to do than be here? He'll be beaten in good time, so let's not say anymore about him. Second, there's the Venusian Death Cell... I'm supposed to believe that this guy is from Venus? Sure thing. An alien lands on Earth, and the first thing he does is to hop into the ring and wrestle guys... Okay, sure... Seriously, though... Josey Wales was going on about how we were being cowardly in not showing up to the match on Saturday. You are angry. I would be too. A shot at the IC title is a chance of a lifetime, and you were robbed. I don't understand why you're angry at us about it, though. It was the fault of the Subway Psycho. He chased us out of the building holding a gun... I don't think you could see it on the tape, but trust me, I saw it. VDC, you'll get a shot in good time. You have my word. You will get beaten, because Tiger Claw is not too happy about your friend's comments about cowardice... He'll take it out on you, VDC... Now, let me turn my attentions to the felonious Subway Psycho. This guy threatens us with death, and then chases us out of the arena Saturday night waving a gun around. Apparently, Psycho wants someone in the Syndicate to face him in something called a Third Rail match... Joe is really looking forward to a shot at you, and I'm going to give it to him. Joe is out celebrating right now with Carla over his shot at the title. It doesn't matter what kind of match it is, Psycho... Joe will be ready to beat you. Now let me address the World Title situation. We all heard the interview with Daniel Spreadbury, and he said we seem to be at a standstill with these negotiations. Sasha is now recieving her rightful share of funds from the Psycho, so maybe we'll be able to get these negotiations going more smoothly... We'll just have to see if you do anything more that the Championship committee deems inappropriate behaviour. One way or another, Psycho, we'll take that belt from you. Well, I think that's all we'll be saying today. Sasha and I are going to a nice Sushi bar in Japan that I'm fond of. KT: Japan!? How are you getting there? BL: By private jet... KT: Private JET? BL: Well, you know that I wasn't exactly strapped for cash before, but I wasn't able to afford a jet until just recently... Sasha and I went halves on it. You'd be surprised just how much half of a champion's earnings is... KT: Ah, yes, of course... Well, I won't waste any time in my farewell. Folks, this is Kenny Tanaka for Tiger Claw, Brian Lau, and Sasha saying: so long, everybody! [Fade] As well as all that action, we also heard that Fisto Flash has been reinstated. Apparently, Flash's lawyer, Gary Schwartz, found loopholes so big you could drive a bus through them in the contracts and rulebook used by the IIWF which were, and I quote, "woefully unspecific". They asserted that Flash was justified in striking the official at Ring Wars because it was a "retaliation" to an earlier blow from the referee. Give me a break! Anyway, Flash is now free to compete in the rings once more, and he should be back in action this Saturday night. There was also a mysterious interruption in the form of darkness dropping in the arena and a voice telling the capacity crowd that the "sleeper has awakened". I'm afraid that I have no idea who is responsible for the interruption - Deathbringer denies all knowledge. And, finally, the IIWF President reported that Mistress Sasha did indeed have a "power of attorney" clause inserted in the contract of the Subway Psycho, and as a result, she is entitled to half the Psycho's earnings. The jury is still out as to whether the Psycho has acted in a manner unbecoming an IIWF Champion, and if the IIWF's Board of Directors decides that he has, he could be stripped of the title. For now, however, he's free to compete in the rings, and he'll be in action tomorrow night. Having said that, though, it sounds like the Psycho may have stepped over the line in the time since the meeting on Saturday. You'll find out what I mean later on. Injuries Update ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It seems that every time two IIWF athletes get into the ring, one of them is unable to walk out. Dan "Flash" Kauffman is, at least, now out of hospital and recuperating in his home in Hagerston, Maryland, although repeated attempts by the IIWF front office to get in touch with him have failed. But there have been more recent additions to the IIWF's sick list: - ALTAIR will be forced to retire following the horrific attack at the hands of THE HANGMAN on Saturday Night. He suffered damage to his neck which would prohibit any return to the rings as a wrestler, and he is also said to be highly disillusioned with the world of wrestling as a whole following his bad experiences over the past couple of months. The rest of the Posse vow that his loss will be avenged. - BRASSOW of former tag team champions Steamroller suffered cruciate ligament damage to his knee at the hands of the GUIDING LIGHTS on Saturday night. It appears that he will be out for between four to six weeks. Taylor, his tag team partner, has reported to the IIWF front office and informed them that Steamroller will be pulling out of the IIWF tag team tournament. He will also be taking a sabattical from the rings to tend to his partner. - TIM DROSS was brutally attacked by the VENUSIAN DEATH CELL last Saturday Night. He's sent us the following comments from his hospital bed: [SCENE: Tim Dross lies in a hospital bed. He has several copies of "IIWF Magazine" scattered around him. He looks up to the camera, his face bruised, and speaks:] "Hi there, folks. I guess I never really appreciated before now just how well-trained the IIWF's athletes are. I never thought a chokeslam could hurt so much. I can't vouch for the Venusian Death Cell, or the `Outlaw' Josey Wales. To be honest, I'm disgusted by the actions of the Cell. The man is a monster. He's totally out of control, and I can't believe that he attacked an announcer. I lost some blood as a result of his bite to my arm [Dross holds up his bandaged right forearm], and the doctors tell me that I'll be left with a little reminder of the attack for the rest of my life. "The IIWF President came to visit me on Sunday and assured me that the Cell has been fined heavily for his actions, and I guess I should be satisfied by that, but I'm not. It seems that things are really getting out of hand here in the IIWF, and I implored President Dan to take a harder line on offenders. To be honest, if the reinstatement of Fisto Flash is a benchmark for how blatant breaking of the rules is going to be treated, then there's surely a call for a working party to be created to look into these matters. "Anyway, I want to thank everybody who's been sending get well wishes to me. The injuries I sustained to my neck and back should have healed up in a couple of weeks, and I'm hoping to be discharged tomorrow or Thursday. With luck, I'll be back in the booth this Saturday night in the Rose Bowl. So long, everybody." [Fade] Well, it's heartening to know that at least my colleague should be recovered quickly from his attack, but I've got to agree with him - things are definitely getting out of hand here in the IIWF, and something must be done. I'm sure that the IIWF President is doing everything in his power to sort out these problems. IIWF World Tag Team Championship Round Robin Tournament ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two matches have been fought, and the High Plains Drifters have notched up two victories. Not only are they the current top ranked team in the IIWF, but they look like the favourites to take the titles in this tournament. Let's have a look at the bracketing: | |A|S|R| | | |B|T|e|A| |H|o|U|t|t| |P|y|S|'|o| |D|s|A|s|m| Key: ---------------------+-+-+-+-+-+ High Plains Drifters |\| |H|H| | H = Drifters win ---------------------+-+-+-+-+-+ A = Alphabet Boys win Alphabet Boys | |\| | | | U = Stunt Team USA win ---------------------+-+-+-+-+-+ R = Returners win Stunt Team USA |H| |\| | | D = Atomic Destroyers win ---------------------+-+-+-+-+-+ The Returners |H| | |\| | ---------------------+-+-+-+-+-+ Atomic Destroyers | | | | |\| ---------------------+-+-+-+-+-+ 17/7/96: Alphabet Boys vs. Stunt Team USA Atomic Destroyers vs. Returners 20/7/96: Alphabet Boys vs. High Plains Drifters 24/7/96: Stunt Team USA vs. Returners 27/7/96: Atomic Destroyers vs. Alphabet Boys 31/7/96: Stunt Team USA vs. Alphabet Boys Atomic Destroyers vs. High Plains Drifters 3/8/96: Returners vs. Alphabet Boys As you can see, two more matches are scheduled for tomorrow night's Midweek Mayhem. You will also notice that Steamroller have been replaced by the Atomic Destroyers, who were hitherto the sixth ranked team, but due to the incapacitation of Brassow, the Senator's boys have got the chance to compete for the gold. By the end of the week, we should have a pretty clear picture of who the favourites are in this tournament. Newcomers Update ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The burgeoning ranks of the IIWF have once again been closed to newcomers, but a few superstars beat the deadline and will be competing here in the near future. First up, Dan Kauffman's mentor, and a fine wrestler in his own right, "Legend" Brandon Bennett, has signed on the dotted line to compete in the IIWF, so even if Kauffman never returns, perhaps Bennett will go looking for vengeance against Joe Latta. Here's his stats: "LEGEND" BRANDON BENNETT Weight: 225lbs Height: 5'10" Origin: Harrisburg, Pennsylvania Appearance: Short jet-black hair, build like a slightly more muscular Eddy Guererro, Hazel eyes, very pale skin tone. Looks like a long-distance runner. Theme Music: "Barcarolle" by Tchaikovsky Orientation: Face Five Favorite Moves: 1. Front Neckbreaker (Reverse Rude Awakening) 2. Spinning Head-Scissors Takedown 3. Mexican Arm-Drag 4. Top-Rope Plancha 5. Northern Lights Suplex w/bridge pin. Finishing Move: 1, Modified Inside Cradle 2. Texas Clover Leaf 3. "Backlund Bridge" 4. Top-Rope Superplex. Primary attributes: 1. Technical 2. Mat 3. Endurance [Handler: Dan Kauffman (skauff@bigdog.fred.net)] Another newcomer on his way to the IIWF is the Enforcer. Here are his vital statistics: THE ENFORCER Weight: 275lbs Height: 6'7" Origin: Key Coast, Florida Manager: The Earl Appearance: Similar to Owen Hart's attire, singlet and shorts with the words "The Enforcer" emblazoned across it. Music: Bret Hart's WWF music Orientation: Heel Five favourite moves: 1. Slingshot suplex 2. Brazilian armbar 3. Asian moonsault, 4. Superkick 5. Snap suplex off the ropes Finisher: Tiger bomb Primary attributes: 1. Stamina 2. Mat wrestling 3. Aerial [Handler: Lance Fair (aa112590@dasher.csd.sc.edu)] And finally, for now at least, the first Antipodean wrestler to be inducted into the IIWF, Mr. Damage, from Melbourne, Australia. This guy has yet to set foot on American soil, but he sent us an open letter revealing his intentions: +-- To whom it may concern... I am here to do one thing and one thing only: to see the destruction of the IIWF and everything it stands for. Subway Psycho... what a joke. He is a walking advertisement for why people should use condoms. Tiger Claw is just a pussy cat. I realise I have to prove my worth and I will start at the bottom. For starters, I'm going to tear some moron limb from limb. They're all steroid-taking muscleheads that don't deserve to be in this Federation. I, however, do deserve it. I have had to earn everything I have ever done - although I'm not afraid to "bend" the rules to get where I'm going. You know where I'm going, don't you? That's right, straight to the top. Best Regards, Mr Damage +-- Here's the tale of the tape: MR. DAMAGE Weight: 245lbs Height: 6'3" Origin: Melbourne, Australia Appearance: Black tights Theme Music: "I Hate People" New Bomb Turks Orientation: Heel Five Favorite Moves: 1. Figure Four leglock 2. Thumb to the eye 3. European uppercut 4. Accelerator (holding oponnent's leg and pushing foot on his crutch) 5. Back Breaker Finishing Move: Thunderstruck - Legdrop from the top rope Primary attributes: 1. Endurance 2. Intelligence 3. Cheating Profile: Short black hair, quite muscular and surpisingly powerful. Evil looking wrestler. A loner; has no friends, and is hated by everyone. He studies his opponents and finds the best ways to agitate them. When wrestling, usually picks a body part and goes to work on it. He knows his craft and knows how to hurt people. For example, when pinning an opponent he drives his elbow to the neck of his opponent. Mr Damage doesn't talk much as he prefers to let his wrestling do the talking. [Handler: Shane Godfrey (mistylne@werple.net.au)] Trash Talk ~~~~~~~~~~ The IIWF superstars have been queueing up to get in front of the camera since Saturday's card. Let's get comments from them, beginning with that hooligan, Robski: [SCENE: Robski is in the main room of his father's stately home in Ludlow. A servant has just brought him a chilled bottle of Moet et Chandon and a large Havana Cigar. Robski lights the Cigar and dials up a number on his portable phone; he is ringing Jasmine.] Robski: [on the portable phone to Jasmine] Okay, Jasmine, how are you........ fine... and how is your mother?...she's hanging on is she?... you think she will get better... oh, that _IS_ good news.....so when will you be back? .....tomorrow.... okay. [Robski switches off the phone] Robski: So the old witch is clinging onto life like she clings onto her money. [Robski crosses to a painting of a man, dated circa 1745.] Robski: My ancestor here was a truly noble man, a warrior, but a nobleman too. I like to think I am in the same vein; I never back down from a challenge and have an impeccable record here in the IIWF. I never thought that this federation would be a cakewalk, although I have to say the competition so far is little short of poor. [Robski picks up a sword and swishes it about] Robski: With this sword one of my ancestors killed thirty Scotsmen at the battle of Culloden. It is that fine Warrior blood that I am instilled with; it is that fine Warrior blood that makes me the competitor I am and the champion I have been, and still am, and will be in the future. To me there is no challenge I won't back down from, to me there is no force that can harm me. I never, EVER forget a grudge and will always ensure I have the last word, so competitors here be warned, you haven't seen the last of the English sensation, Robski! [Robski crosses to a Birmingham City Jersey, mounted on the wall. It is an old Penguin one from the mid-seventies and is autographed.] Robski: The great Bob Latchford gave me this shirt after he scored four goals in a match. This shirt and everything it typifies means the world to me. My football team, and their fine fans, typify the same warrior traditions and creeds that have made my family one of the greatest and most feared down the years, and come the start of the football season we will be back in action. [Robski leans on the mantelpiece, he draws a deep breath from his cigar and exhales, he then takes a sip of Champagne.] Robski: Behind me I have a great Agent and Manager, a sexy girlfriend who will do ANYTHING for me, and my good mate Jimmy Garner. Here I am: irrepressible, unstoppable... I am, after all, Robski. [Fade] I'll be honest with you, folks; that nonsense about nobility and the spirit of a warrior doesn't have me fooled for one minute. Robski's a thug, plain and simple; just a rich thug, that's all. Even Brad "Bodybag" Kinder has more class: [SCENE: Kinder stands alone in the incredibly dark Arizona desert on a cold night] BK: With my new comrades and a new beginning for myself, some things still linger in the past for me here; one of those being my humiliating loss to Joe Latta in a cheap match at Ring Wars. This loss has haunted me since the night of June 29, and it won't stop until I satisfy the demons with some form of revenge on Joe Latta and his so-called "Syndicate". You see Latta, you're one of the things that remain from my past that I must confront and destroy. That particular loss was what killed my morale and self-confidence and led me to other losses, namely against Billy Shakespeare, who I haven't forgotten about either. I've always been one to not back down from challenges, nor do I keep my head down in defeat; I always find a way to keep myself on top of my game and stay focused on what needs to be done. And what needs to be done right now is for me to kick your a** all over the arena if you choose to confront me, which I'm not sure that you have the guts to do. So, in closing, you'll have to face the worst Knightmare of your wrestling career. [Fade] Billy Shakespeare is disturbed by the recent turn of events here in the IIWF: [Backstage in the scene shop of some old theatre. Billy Shakespeare stands among dusty prop weapons, a guilotine, a gallows. Stuffed corpses whose stage blood has long ago turned to but a red stain. He turns to face the camera dressed in armour, holding high a severed head adorned with a jester's hat.] BS: Something is rotten in the state of the IIWF, It's a comedy of errors. President Spreadbury is worrying about the lunatics running the asylum? Too late, the Lau-nitics are already here. Harken to this Brian Lau: My only regret about your denying me my rightful shot at the IC throne is that I can't throw it back in your face. Billy Shakespeare doesn't audition for roles that he has already made his. The president may have lost control, but I know the structure of things. There is a Director, there are the performers, and at the bottom, are the agents. You, Brian Lau, are an agent, you don't cast the play, the Director does. In time, it will be realized, that the part of champion is mine. Yes, the lunatics are here, but I am mad north-northwest. I am neither the Man of Steel nor Casey James, but there is no respect of place, persons, nor time in the IIWF, so I come to bury the guilty not to praise them. To quote Henry IV "...where the offense is, let the great axe fall." [The guilotine falls in its rail with a decapitating thud.] Billy Shakespeare's name is always on everybody's lips, but it seems more so with one individual. So Crippler, you don't think me worthy to claim the crown. You don't have respect for my ability to perform. Care to back up your wretched babblings and step into the glare of the "Spotlight"? [Fade] It seems that similar concerns weigh heavy on the mind of Casey James as well: [SCENE: Casey standing in the IIWF studios in front of a flashy IIWF banner.] CJ: Hello, folks. There's been something on my mind lately, and I have to talk about it with the public. As you all know, I've been feeling a little bit of stress over the present situation in the IIWF. On Saturday night, our President, Daniel Spreadbury, hit the nail on the head when he mentioned the inmates running the asylum. We've got Josey Wales allowing one of his men attack Tim Dross viciously, we've got the Senator's men strangling other wrestlers, we've got Brian Lau trying to win the World title without fighting for it, and causing the World Champion himself to go over the edge. Let's not forget the reinstatement of Fisto Flash. It seems like every week Man of Steel and I must run to the ring to stop an injustice. Just this past Saturday we had to stop Simon Lebec and Billy Sexton from double teaming Tony Starks... Even in our matches, things seem to get out of control. It's these bad elements banding together. With this organisation of people, it's very very dangerous for those of us who respect the rules. When you fight Joe Latta, you know that there's Tiger Claw waiting to jump in. When you fight Altair, chances are that the Venusian Death Cell or the High Plains Drifters aren't far behind. I'm sure you get the point. These groups tend to watch each other's backs. I have no problem with that kind of loyalty, but when it leads to the interference of the match at hand, usually resulting in a double or triple team beating, then it's time to do something. I've mentioned an idea to my friend, the Man of Steel, and I think I'll make it public. Those of us that respect the rules are outnumbered here in the IIWF. United we stand, divided we fall. I propose that we should band together and try to fight fire with fire. If one of us has a match with, say, Tiger Claw, then we could make sure Joe Latta doesn't get involved. Do you see what I mean? If we watched each other's backs, then we'd be able to clean up the IIWF. Just by our presence, we could discourage outside interference. Josey Wales may bring some of his stablemates down to the ring with him, but if we stood together against him, then the possibility of one of those stablemates interfering would be smaller. I think the only way we can survive is to form an alliance of this nature, otherwise we will end up injured and out of commission one by one. If that happens, then the IIWF is lost to the bad guys... You all know where to reach me or Man of Steel. We're always around. Please consider what I have said seriously. [Fade] Now that sounds like the way forward to me. If the IIWF authorities are going to just stand back and allow the madness we've been seeing in recent weeks, we do need an amnesty to bring a halt to the chaos. Natural enough that it should be the American Heroes who suggest it. IIWF Midweek Mayhem - 17 July 1996 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ All eyes will be on the Pontiac Silverdome tomorrow night to see if things can get any more crazy here in the IIWF. What a card of action we've got lined up for you. Let's run it down: The Enforcer, "Legend" Brandon Bennett and Mr. Damage will all make their debuts. Blackjack Haley will also be in action. ---------------------------------------------------------------- IIWF World Tag Team Championship Round Robin Tournament Matches: ---------------------------------------------------------------- 1. Alphabet Boys vs. Stunt Team USA 2. Atomic Destroyers vs. The Returners These two matches represent the second outings for both the Stunt Team and the Returners, both of whom have tasted defeat at the hands of the High Plains Drifters last week. Both are determined to get off the mark and come out of the Silverdome with wins under their belts. However, the other two teams are doubtless very hungry too. The Atomic Destroyers only found out yesterday that they are to be allowed to participate in the tournament, and you can bet that they're going to do their best to take the opportunity with both hands; there's nothing the Senator would like to see more than Larn and Steroid with gold here in the IIWF. Let's hear from Stunt Team USA as they prepare for the ABoys: [SCENE: Ron and Steve stand on top of a building. Fire leaps out of a stairway behind them. A huge crowd stands down on the street watching them.] Ron: "Huh... Quite hot, eh? But that's far from what it's going to be in the ring tomorrow night, A-Boys!" Steve: "Yeah, we know you're capable competitors, but we know how to beat you as well. Don't even expect to get out of that ring as the winners!" Ron: "Nah, ya got no chance this time. After all, I guess we got a surprise for ya..." Steve: "And what a surprise it will be! Guess ya'll like it... not... hehehe..." Ron: "A'right, A-Boys... For you it'll be Fire And Forget!" Ron and Steve: "CUT!" [They jump of the roof. Fade] I'm not sure the Alphabet Boys concur with that little idea, but let's hear from them too: [The Alphabet Boys stand before a familiar bullitin board, the announcement for the upcoming matches tacked to its center. Abie and Zed, with some difficulty, are reading it. A thought dawns on Zed.] Zed: Oh yeah, some new guys want to wrestle us. Abie: Some new guys again! I want to beat them so bad they'll never challenge us again. Zed: No, no , these are different new guys. But we got a problem, we have to wrestle Stunt Team. Abie: I don't wanna wrestle Stunt Team, they threw pop in my face. Zed: But Daniel Spreadbury says we have to. I don't know who this guy is, but he sounds important. Abie: We have to wrestle Daniel Spreadbury too? Zed: No, no! But new guys, we'll beat you as soon as they stop telling us that we have to wrestle someone else. Abie: Can we wrestle Rising Sun Revolution after them? Zed: Maybe we could wrestle them all on the same night? [Fade out] Deathbringer vs. Prince of Darkness Last week on Midweek Mayhem, the dark Prince came up short against Tony Starks, and took out his frustrations on one of the growing ranks of Deathbringer's Soldiers of Hell. Deathbringer, of course, didn't take too kindly to that, and came out to reprimand the Prince. One chokeslam later, and PoD got straight to his feet again! It looks like this one's going to be a knock-down, drag-out affair. Brad "Bodybag" Kinder vs. Tiger Claw If you've been following the Intercontinental championship saga, you'll know that Brian Lau, the wily and windy manager of Tiger Claw, first ruled that any challengers to the title would have to fight it out between themselves, and he would scout the match to decide who gets the shot at Claw. Brad Kinder was defeated by Billy Shakespeare in such a match, but apparently impressed Lau sufficiently to win a shot at Claw, although he hastily added that Kinder would now have to face Claw for the right to face him for the title! So Bodybag will be looking for a victory in this match to guarantee himself the title of number one contender to the Intercontinental Championship. No doubt Lau has a trick up his sleeve, however. Law & Disorder vs. Armed Forces Both of these two teams have recently made their debuts in the IIWF, and both made winning starts. However, for one of these two teams, that winning start is going to come to an abrupt end tomorrow night as the mysterious pursuers of truth, justice and the right to wear masks, Marshall Law and Ace Maverick, face NavCom and DefCon of the Armed Forces in this top-drawer tag encounter. Law & Disorder, however, are already looking to the future. Let's get their comments: [SCENE: Ace Maverick and Marshall Law stand in the IIWF interview area.] ACE: IIWF! Whoooooo! The tag-team situation will never be the same! We know where the life is in e-wrestling and we smell it in this federation! [Marshall Law remains silent. He is pounding his night stick into his left palm.] ACE: Both myself and the grim-looking man to my left are veterans of the mat wars. We know what it's all about to win championships and go down in defeat. The big question lies in how good can we be as a team? Up until now we've been managed by different people. We feuded against one another for a short period. Now we are out to fight ON THE SAME SIDE! Root, root, root! LAW: I lost my manager. I lost my tag team partner. We were a a machine called "Old Skewl" that couldn't be stopped. We were in title contention after three weeks. But then my manager made alliances with the wrong people. Then I left his stable. Now, I'm on my own. The way it should have been all along. ACE: Tough as steel, my new partner...the ex-cop! LAW: Which brings me to my new partner, Ace Maverick. We want matches with the finest talent in the IIWF. It will be a pleasure to to tag with you. We clash in style, but the fans are really rallying around us. I had always been the selfing bad cop. My man Ace had always been the Prissy "Goodhearted" man of the federation. Well, time has changed us and the fans will be happy to see the "law" and "disorder" we bring to the ring! ACE: That's right, Law! We're just a little excentric. We're just a little stoic. There is no such thing as conformity in our book! [gives the upside down "peace" sign] LAW: Alphabet Boys or the Returners? I can't wait to cross the finest in the tag scene! Will you come out and play? [Marshall Law sprays the tear gas in the direction of the camera man.] Will you cross "Law & Disorder"? [Fade] ------------------------------------------ IIWF World Heavyweight Championship Match: ------------------------------------------ Subway Psycho vs. Magus Magus made his debut on Saturday night, and if you remember, he stated that he'd trade the world for a chance to face the Subway Psycho for the IIWF Championship. Well, the Championship Committee must have heeded his plea, for they've given one madman the chance to step into the ring with another. The Psycho's been like a runaway train as of late, and I don't envy anybody who's got to step into the ring with him. All in all, it promises to be another great night's entertainment. Join myself and Becky LaRue live tomorrow evening as we come to you from the Pontiac Silverdome! I can't wait! Latest Rankings ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Here they are, folks, the visual aids to who's hot and who's not here in the IIWF right now: --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Name F/H Fought Won Drawn Lost Ranking --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Subway Psycho F 8 7 0 1 WC Tiger Claw H 9 6 0 3 IC --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dan Kauffman F 9 6 1 2 1= Outlaw H 9 6 1 2 1= Billy Shakespeare F 7 5 0 2 3= Tony Starks N 7 5 0 2 3= Deathbringer N 8 4 2 2 5 Joe Latta H 6 4 0 2 6 Hakiro Matsuoko F 7 4 0 3 7 Blackjack Haley H 9 3 3 3 8 Casey James F 8 3 2 3 9 Venusian Death Cell H 5 3 1 1 10 Brad Kinder H 8 3 1 4 11 Prince of Darkness H 5 2 1 2 12 Man Of Steel F 8 2 2 4 13 Crippler H 4 2 0 2 14 Don Antonio F 5 2 0 3 15 Simon Lebec F 6 2 0 4 16 "Frost" Scott Morrison H 2 1 1 0 17= Hunter Robertson F 2 1 1 0 17= Fisto Flash H 3 1 0 2 19 Robski H 5 1 0 4 20 Phantom H 2 1 0 1 21 The Punster F 1 1 0 0 22= Magus H 1 1 0 0 22= Vinny Cappicola F 1 1 0 0 22= The Hangman H 1 1 0 0 22= "Nuclear" John Bomber F 1 0 0 1 26= Billy Sexton H 1 0 0 1 26= The Sandman H - - - - - Enforcer H - - - - - Mr. Damage H - - - - - Brandon Bennett F - - - - - --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tony Starks and Joe Latta are the stars most notably pushing their way towards title contention, but nobody can match either the Outlaw or Dan Kauffman, neither of whom have been in action recently. And what of the tag team situation? --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Name of team F/H Fought Won Drawn Loss Ranking --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Vacant - - - - - WT --------------------------------------------------------------------------- High Plains Drifters H 7 6 0 1 1 [Rising Sun Revolution F 4 4 0 0 2] Alphabet Boys H 4 3 0 1 3 Stunt Team USA F 6 3 0 3 4 The Returners F 4 2 0 2 5 [Steamroller H 5 2 0 3 6] The Guiding Lights H 2 2 0 0 7 Atomic Destroyers H 4 1 0 3 8 The Armed Forces H 1 1 0 0 9 Law & Disorder F - - - - - --------------------------------------------------------------------------- The High Plains Drifters are far and away the most successful team at the moment, although former champs Rising Sun Revolution are still hanging on due to their impressive undefeated streak. We'll have an update on their progress in the Japanese tag team tournament in Friday's report. Steamroller are also now out of commission, so some of the new teams here in the IIWF, like the Guiding Lights, the Armed Forces and Law & Disorder, are going to be heading up the rankings in the next couple of weeks. IIWF Saturday Night - 20 July 1996 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This weekend's card comes to you live from the Rose Bowl, Pasadena, California. It's a huge outdoor venue, and a crowd of almost 120,000 is expected to be on hand to witness live action as only the IIWF knows how. Here's the lineup as it currently stands: - Tag Team Tournament Match: Alphabet Boys vs. High Plains Drifters - Punster vs. Blackjack Haley - Fisto Flash vs. Robski - Third Rail Match: Subway Psycho vs. Joe Latta - Outlaw vs. Tony Starks - Billy Shakespeare vs. The Crippler More matches will be added over the next couple of days by the IIWF front office, and all of the top superstars will be on hand for what promises to be another great night's entertainment! Next Report ~~~~~~~~~~~ Well, that just about wraps it up for this update, folks. In Friday's Report, we'll have all the usual stuff, plus comments from the IIWF President regarding recent developments in the IIWF, particularly the confusion surrounding the Subway Psycho and the IIWF Championship. We'll also have our first news of the IIWF's next pay-per-view spectacular, Midsummer Madness. On top of that, I'll be running down all the action from tomorrow night's card, and looking forward to the huge outdoor card from the Rose Bowl at the weekend; plus, Tim Dross will return for the Dross Report. All in all, it looks like another busy week here in the IIWF! Don't forget to tune in tomorrow night to see the lovely Becky and myself with more Midweek Mayhem, and I'll see you again on Friday for another IIWF Control Centre update! This is Larry Morton, saying: so long, everybody! +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= I * I * W * F =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-+ | Send mail to iiwf@sisko.demon.co.uk with the subject lines: | | "send faq" for the FAQ + "send singles" or "send tag" for the | | rosters + "send handlers" for a list of handlers | +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ | IIWF Home: http://users.ox.ac.uk/~univ0322/iiwf/ | +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ | Submit material for the Report to iiwf@sisko.demon.co.uk | +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-+