[Fast-paced music is matched by equally fast-paced clips of IIWF action. As the final guitar chord is drawn out, Don Antonio delivers a powerbomb to "Nifty" Ned Norton and the screen explodes into a mass of fire and smoke, through which emerges the IIWF's familiar logo:] ##### ###### ### ########## ########## ########## #### ## ########## ########## ########## #### # #### ######## ##### ##### #### ## ##### #### #### #### #### ### #### #### #### #### ############# ######### #### #### ########### ######### #### #### #### #### #### ######### ######### ### #### #### ######### ######### ### ## #### ######## ######## ## # #### =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- ## =-=-=-= INTERNATIONAL INTERNET WRESTLING FEDERATION =============================================== "INSIDE THE IIWF" - October 8, 1996 =============================================== [Cut to a broadcast station outside McNichols Arena in Denver. A large group of IIWF fans has gathered around the set and cheer loudly as a remote camera zooms in over their heads. One fan, wearing official Subway Psycho eye black is kissing an inflatable woman, while another pours sugar over his own head. Zoom to Larry Morton sitting at the broadcast station.] LM: Hello everyone, this is Larry Morton coming to you live from Denver, Colorado, with the first big installment of "Inside the IIWF," a weekly program to bring you up to date with news and notes from the IIWF as we head toward Midweek Mayhem. And with less than a week to go until Ring Wars II, the biggest pay-per-view spectacle in the history of professional wrestling, the action has never hotter. Joining me each Tuesday will be my Midweek Mayhem broadcast partner, Becky LaRue. [The shot widens to include Becky.] BL: And as usual, it's all your pleasure Larry. I expect to see a little extra in my paycheck this week for taking on the added responsibility of this new show. And I'd better get a new wardrobe too. LM: Yeah, don't hold your breath with those cheapskates in the IIWF front office. The way they're hiring people left and right, there probably won't be any money left for any of us. And I hear those Simon Lebec Do-It-Yourself-Fertilization kits aren't selling very well. BL: Those morons in the Marketing Department could have had Brad Kinder. What is this organization coming to? LM: Nevertheless, we're coming at you live and [he looks at Becky] . . . loud with our first "Inside the IIWF." We've got some new features and a new correspondent, Bulldog Brown, a former intercontinental champ in another league. BL: So THAT'S where all the money went! LM: And we'll always have more speculation than you can shake a stick at... so let's get underway with a look back at what went down during IIWF Saturday Night in a segment our producer has cleverly named: [Letters swirl around the screen, bashing into each other as if they are wrestling each other. Grunts have been added into the audio. Each of the letters slowly falls into place to form the title:] ************************************************************************** ---------------------- IIWF SATURDAY NIGHT REWIND ---------------------- ************************************************************************** LM: As we mentioned, Ring Wars II is rapidly approaching and the question on every fan's mind Saturday night at Salt Lake City's Delta Center was.... BL: What's that awful secret ingredient in these Billy Shakespeare ice cream bars...ring sweat? LM: Uh, no. Actually they were wondering how many of the IIWF's top stars would even _make it_ to Ring Wars II this Saturday. The action was hot and heavy and you don't have to be a brain surgeon.... BL: Lucky for you! LM: ...to know that something big is going down in the IIWF. Let's recap what happened live on IIWF Saturday Night with Tim Dross and Steve Roberts: [Larry and Becky do voice-overs as video highlights from "IIWF Saturday Night" rolls] ------------ CASEY "BLACKHEART" JAMES defeated JUMPIN' JACK ------------ LM: Jack didn't quite jump enough as the Blackhearted one ended this contest in a flash with his Blackheart Punch and the Black Death spinebuster. BL: Someone asked me the other day why we have dark matches in the IIWF. I think this match answered that question. -------- THE ZODIAC CONNECTION defeated THE BARNACLE BROTHERS ---------- LM: The Barnacle Brothers were coming off of a tremendous tour of Norway.... BL: It was Finland. LM: ...or was it The Netherlands? Anyway, the seafarin' mateys may have wished they were back overseas after The Zodiac Connection scored an easy win with their awesome Zodiac Splash Rocket Launcher. BL: I bought one of those Zodiac Splash Rocket Launchers for my nephew last week at Toys R Us. It's really cool! LM: Uh-huh. ------------------- THE SANDMAN defeated NICK NAME -------------------- LM: The Sandman put on a vicious display as he had Nick Name beaten early in the match, but toyed with his overwhelmed opponent and inflicted more pain. Sandman finally put the match away with his Nightmare chokeslam, much to the delight of Miss Victoria Secret. BL: Don't they make a cute couple? You don't think.... LM: What? BL: Oh, nothing. Never mind. -------------------- ROBSKI defeated SABIN FIGARO --------------------- LM: This turned out to be a surprisingly close contest, but Figaro was his own worst enemy, missing Robski on a high-risk maneuver and hitting his shoulder on the ringpost. Robski punished Figaro even more with a reverse shoulderbreaker to get the pin. BL: This match was probably closer than Robski would have liked, but he got the win and that's all that counts. ----- OTTO "THE BUTCHER" VERHOEVEN defeated MAJESTIC MAURICE McARTHUR----- LM: Verhoeven sent.... BL: Ahem. LM: What? Oh. I mean _Herr_ Verhoeven sent Chris Quigley a loud message with not just one, but TWO Slaughterslams to put away Triple M. Then, to add insult to injury, Nurse Heidi dressed McArthur like Quigley and Verhoeven performed three more Slaughterslams on McArthur, who was carried from the ring on a stretcher. BL: And the _real_ Chris Quigley had the nerve to stick his nose into match, but was held back by the IIWF security team. LM: And it was a lucky thing for Verhoeven! BL: What do you mean? Quigley can't even get past our lame security team. Just think what "The Butcher" would do to him. Besides, guys are just lining up for a shot at Quigley. He's making too many enemies and the odds are bound to catch up with him. Even the good guys are getting tired of Quigley's antics as we'll hear from Billy Shakespeare later on. LM: I'm sure "Quickstrike" will answer those allegations. ------------------ MR. DAMAGE defeated FISTO FLASH ------------------ LM: Mr. Damage did indeed get the win in this match, but not before one of the more frightening moments of Saturday's card. Fisto Flash dominated this match until the Hangman came to ringside holding a bag that apparently contained Fisto's original prosthesis. But when Fisto clubbed Hangman and opened the bag, he was hit by a cloud of acid that burned his arm and severely damaged his new prosthesis. BL: Whew, talk about your bad acid trips! Are you sure Man of Steel wasn't somehow involved? LM: I'm quite sure of that. But the accident was not severe enough to keep Fisto Flash from vowing to keep his appointment with Hangman Saturday at Ring Wars II. The footage we received this morning has us all a bit curious, though. Watch this, folks: [SCENE: The Hangman stands inside the vault at The Wizard's mansion] HM: Fisto, so you thought you would get the Fist of Fisto back. It seems that instead you have lost the imitation fist that you thought was going to save your butt. Well Fisto like I told you this Fist is in the vault and it is going to stay in the vault, except, of course, in the event that a buyer can be found. The Senator has been working hard to find just the right buyer for your Fist, Fisto Flash. [A buzzer sounds and The Senator's voice comes over the intercom.] TS: Hangman I need you in my office. HM: On my way Sir!! [Cut to the office of The Senator. Larn and Steriod are sitting on each side of a large man, They all have their backs to the camera, except for The Senator, who faces the camera and talks to the men.] TS: Just so we get this straight. The price for the Fist of Fisto Flash is $1,000,000. For that price, you sir want to remain anonymous and will take the Fist and place it in your vault in an unknown location. [The Hangman enters the room and sees the man sitting in the chair. Larn and Steriod jump up and get between Hangman and the man. Hangman looks like he has seen a ghost] LARN: Take it easy. We have made a deal for the Fist of Fisto and this is the man who is buying it. TH: Senator I hope you know what you are doing. This guy has been the toughest person I have ever had in the ring. Twice he almost put me out of this great sport. TS: This man, and he does not want us to use his name at this time, and I have cut a deal for the Fist. He has promised to place it in a secured vault and when the time is right and the right wrestler is found the Fist will return. TH: [looking at the man] Sir I hope you know what you are doing here. The Fist has meant a great deal to me, but I think that we can put our differences aside and form a little alliance here. I realize that because of your injuries in the ring you have not been able to wrestle, however after you have the operations needed and all works out for you, I would be honored to have you or whoever you find accompany me to the ring wearing the Fist. STERIOD: Hangman, I know how you feel and seeing and hearing what you are saying means a lot to us. I think that when all is said and done Fisto will be no more, but his Fist will live on. TS: Fisto, take heed the next time you see the Fist, it will be attached to another's arm and then you will feel the pain that can be inflicted with this unholy device that you brought to the sport. [The men shake hands as the shot fades. Cut back to Morton and LaRue.] LM: I've gone over this tape and I can't get a feel for who might want the Fist of Fisto Flash. BL: I know, but I'm not telling. LM: You do not! BL: Do too! LM: Sigh. ------------------ ARABIAN KNIGHTS defeated HEAVY METAL ----------------- LM: Once again we saw just how unbalanced the IIWF tag scene is right now. The Atomic Destroyers intervened in this match and battered Atlas and Apollo. Atlas, who took the bulk of the attack, was knocked unconscious by the Knights, who were awarded the victory. BL: You can't trust anyone in the tag ranks right now. Everyone wants the belts, but there are only two teams with a shot at Armed Forces' titles this week: The High Plains Drifter and Skunk Team USA. LM: And the Atomic Destroyers had some words for Heavy Metal after the match: [Scene: The locker room of The Atomic Destroyers] LARN: Heavy Metal, it seems you got your butts kicked one more time. Well I hope you have recovered enough for your next encounter with the The Atomic Destroyers. STEROID: Mr. Robo Stone, you seem to think that you guys are going to run this federation. Well it will take a lot more then you have to stop us. When you least expect it, we will be there or our friends will be there. I suggest you all leave the IIWF while you still can. LARN: Boys, take our advice, get out, and get out now. [Cut back to Larry and Becky.] ------- "QUICKSTRIKE" CHRIS QUIGLEY defeated "BADBOY" RANDY ACORN ------- LM: Randy Acorn was forced to submit to the Quickstriker in what was one of the more bizarre matches of the night. Acorn, who was deemed "The Man of 1,000 Faces" by Sparkplug Lee, was disguised and waiting for Quigley during the introductions. However, Billy Shakespeare was also in disguise in the crowd and helped Quigley earn the win. I don't know who is really whom these days with all those disguises. BL: Perhaps I'm really Tim Dross posing as Becky LaRue right now. LM: Hah, you can't fool me that easily. I can look down your sweater and see.... Oops. BL: You pervert! --------------------- MARTY WARNETT defeated MAGUS --------------------- LM: This was a "Pinfalls Only" match which also had its share of interference. The Punster helped Warnett early, but Simon Lebec reared his ugly head.... BL: Oooh, I bet he'll make you regret those words. LM: ...and ended up costing the off-balanced Magus the match when Marty slipped out of the way and Lebec hit Magus with a superkick. Warnett and Lebec are on a collision course in their "Hair vs. Hair" match at Ring Wars II. -- NO CONTEST: SUBWAY PSYCHO-MAN OF STEEL vs. BILLY SEXTON-SIMON LEBEC -- LM: Mayhem ruled in this special tag match from the beginning as it became evident that the Man of Steel, with his unsavory new attitude, and the Subway Psycho could not work together well. Marty Warnett distracted Lebec at ringside, but when MOS turned on the Psycho all heck broke loose and security had to break up the brawl. The Psycho came out of the contest with the worst beating. BL: Yeah, I thought the Psycho was only going to look out for himself from now on. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. LM: Huh? Well it seems the Psycho AND Mistress Sasha do indeed intend on taking control of their own destinies again here in the IIWF, as evidenced by the following tape -- which arrived COD, I might add: [Scene: The highrise office of Mistress Sasha. Sasha is speaking from behind her desk] MS: This is a formal announcement to the IIWF Booking Committee that I am now resuming complete booking control over the Subway Psycho. Before my departure from the Psycho earlier this year, I had complete managerial power over him. During my tenuous and involuntary working relationship with Brian Lau, those duties were assumed by the IIWF Booking Committee -- the same committee that involved the Subway Psycho in the upcoming War Games match without his prior knowledge, and the same committee that booked a tag match with him and the Man of Steel this past Saturday, against his obvious will. My client is no longer at the whim of the IIWF careless disregard of my client's wishes and safety, due to their need to exploit my clients popularity with the fans. From this point on, the Psycho and I decide who he wrestles. [Cut back to Larry and Becky] BL: Just like a lawyer to send that tape COD, huh? Sasha had a lot more class when she was around Brian Lau. Anyway, don't those two know that the IIWF Booking Committee has to approve any matches in which the Psycho appears? Why doesn't the Psycho just team up with Don Antonio and they can call themselves "Whine and Cheese?" LM: I know they aren't happy with the way things are going right now. We'll hear from the Psycho himself later in the show, and I hope Tim Dross will be able to catch up with IIWF President Dan Spreadbury to address these concerns on Friday's "Road to Ring Wars II" show. -------------- NO CONTEST: ARCHANGEL vs. OUTLAW J.W. HARDIN -------------- LM: We expected a bloody brawl in this contest and that's exactly what we got as most of the action happened outside the ring. BL: It wasn't very Christian-like of Archangel and Bishop Right to use chairs and cruicifixes to beat on Hardin, was it? Archangel even abused an IIWF referee and should have been disqualified. LM: Well, it only got worse. Hardin's allies, including that heinous Cadaver, did their damage before Deathbringer raced to the rescue. BL: The rescue? Deathbringer got his butt kicked! LM: Hardin and Cadaver may have gotten a few shots in, but they will pay Saturday night when Deathbringer puts Hardin away for good at Ring Wars II. I think it's safe to say that Deathbringer will hold this belt for a long time. BL: We'll see about that. I know Hardin has other plans. Just watch this: [Cut to a desert at dusk. A lone figure rides across the sand and reins up his horse in front of the camera. It the Outlaw J.W. Hardin.] JWH: From one foreboding land to another -- and yet it still feels like home. Isn't it unusual for someone to feel so comfortable in this barren land of death? Deathbringer, you walk now among the living, but you shall soon be sentenced to eternity in the hell which has claimed so many of your victims. For those who know you best know that you are now weak. When you befriend the living, you also assume their weaknesses. Ashes to ashes.... [Cut back to Morton and LaRue] LM: That guy...scares me. BL: Just give him the belt now and spare everyone the bloodshed. -- THE WHITE PHOENIX-TAKEZO MUSASHI defeated TIGER CLAW-HAKIRO MATSUOKO -- LM: Even though Tiger Claw was attacked before the match by a baseball bat-wielding Don Antonio, The Syndicate team seemed to have things well in hand during this match and Hakiro Matsuoko even pulled The Enigma's shoulders off the mat once, stopping a count so he could inflict more punishment. But it proved to be a mistake as The White Phoenix cleaned house and then set Tiger Claw up for Musashi's Starsault Press. It never happened though, as Brian Lau pulled Claw from the ring and The Syndicate retreated to the locker room, giving Phoenix and Musashi the win by a countout. BL: And what a smart move by Lau! His men had nothing to gain with a win, but a loss to the Starsault Press could have been devastating so close to Ring Wars II. Better they walk away and get counted out and live to fight another day. LM: And fight they must. The White Phoenix knows that this war is far from over with Ring Wars II just four days away -- and this time it's personal: [The White Phoenix is training in a darkened dojo with two flaming swords. He swings them around in blinding arcs until they form a seemingly continuous shell of fire around him. Finally he stops, holding them crossed in front of his chest.] WP: Perhaps the time is now to reveal the truth. I had hoped to settle this a different way, Brian Lau. But it must be this way. More than 20 years ago, I was forced to come to America from my native China when my home was set aflame. My father died in that fire, as did my sister. I nearly died when I ran into the house to save her. I still carry the scars. I searched for years to find the perpetrator of the act. It was hard as a young boy to find information, but eventually I found proof. I discovered who committed this horrible act. Brian Lau, it was your father. He shattered my life with that action, tore apart my world. Years later, the dojo at which I was training was burned down. My master, who had trained me in the ways of combat, was killed then. I cannot say for certain, but I believe that you were responsible for this act as well. Now, of course, your father is dead. The sin falls to you, Brian, by the ancient ways. Now you must pay. Unfortunately, I cannot attack you. I can only destroy your life as you have mine. Your Syndicate is collapsing, and I am doing my part to speed its demise. Tiger Claw, you tasted the Phoenix Strike once. Rest assured, it will not be the last time. When you and The Angel of the Sun ran on Saturday night, you proved to the world what you truly are, thugs without courage or honor. Do not believe that you will hide from my fury. [He spins around and throws one of the swords at a wooden structure, which bursts into flames. He stares at it for a moment.] But I have messages for others as well. Enigma, I must admit that I had my doubts about you. Your previous associations worried me. You have proven yourself, and I consider you a friend. Call on me any time you need assistance. And to my War Games allies, I say simply this; things are looking bleak. Man of Steel has fallen by the wayside. Dan Kauffman has tasted death. But understand, we shall prevail, for we are the side of righteousness. Have no fear. I would like to conduct a ritual on the night before Ring Wars, including all of you, to purify our minds, bodies, and souls, to ensure our victory. With the spirit of combat, with the power of the Phoenix behind us, our victory will be absolute. And one last thing. Deathmaster, I still distrust your motives. If you are truly on the side of righteousness, then I shall embrace your help, and work to assist your charges. However, you must prove yourself to me. The world shall feel my fire on Saturday at Ring Wars. Prepare for a great burning.... [He touches the sword he was holding to his chest. Instantly the fire spreads until it covers his body. The camera zooms out on the scene. Fade to black] LM: Prepare for a great burning indeed! BL: Only if you eat at the IIWF Cafeteria. Here's a little tip from Becky -- stay away from the pork chops. But I'm sure Lau and his men aren't overly concerned with the White Phoenix. LM: You're right, Becky. They ARE very upset about one Marty Warnett who made some rather nasty comments about The Syndicate last week. I understand we have a live link with The Syndicate tour bus which is on its way to Denver right now. BL: A tour bus? They have a tour bus and we have to rent a Ford Escort? LM: Hello Kenny Tanaka. Can you hear me? Take it, Kenny. [SCENE: The Syndicate sits with Brian Lau aboard the private Syndicate tour bus. The interior of the bus has a definite oriental flavour.] KT: Thanks Larry. Ladies and gentlemen, we're on the road to Midweek Mayhem, where the Battle Lines Battle Royal will be taking place. But first, there are a couple of things Mr. Lau has to say. BL: First and foremost, I want to address the comments of Mr. Warnett. Where does this little rookie get of spitting in the face of the Syndicate? Warnett, I realize you are somewhat new to the IIWF, so I'll overlook your ignorance and I won't order you beaten. Let me just say that I am not impressed by that attitude. I realize you are trying to get a reaction out of us to help your career along, but to be honest, you really aren't worth it. You speak of Tiger Claw's record. I ask you, whelp, who is the champion? Who holds the title? Not you. Tiger Claw is the intercontinental champion, and you aren't. If anyone should be talking about the shortcomings of another, it should be Tiger Claw speaking volumes of Marty Warnett. And you say that Hakiro Matsuoko has no title momentum. Hakiro was the intercontinental champion before Tiger Claw. He was the only other man in the IIWF to ever hold this belt with honour. I'm sorry, but I don't recall you ever holding a title here. HM: Warnett, I will be fighting Takezo Musashi on a log 20 feet above the ring. And you say I have no momentum? While I despise Takezo Musashi, I must say that I respect him way more than I can respect a whining little urchin like you. Takezo Musashi was voted best newcomer in the IIWF, and I have the honour of meeting him in combat. You, on the other hand, will be involved in some circus sideshow at Ring Wars II. While you sit and occupy your time with hair, young girls, and alcohol, my mind is filled with thoughts of training, championship titles, and victory. They say the squeaky wheel gets the grease, but in this case, I think we may just do the opposite. We will turn our backs on you so you don't get the attention you so desperately desire. CJ: Mid-carders? I don't know if you noticed, you little puke, but I happen to be captaining one of the teams in one of the main events at Ring Wars II along with Joe Latta. I am also involved in the Battle Royal on Wednesday. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think that makes me a little more than a mid-carder. Kid, I was in this league since the beginning. I helped build the IIWF into the wrestling federation that you now enjoy. Don't get on my bad side, you little snot nosed brat. Now, speaking of the battle royal this Wednesday... I have an agenda, and that's to pulverise whoever stands in my way. Sure, there is one man who is my stable mate... And there are several men that are going to be in that ring that I'm going to be teaming up with at Ring Wars II. I just want to say to all of you, especially Hakiro, that this one is for all the marbles. The victor of this one is going to get a shot at the world title. I'm sorry, but I can't let anyone else get that chance. HM: I expect no less, Casey. I just want you to understand that I am in the same mindset. However, I propose that to begin with, we eliminate those which would offend us as champion, then, through combat, we can decide which of the rest of us is the better man. CJ: Damn straight. JL: Once again, of course, I have been cheated of the chance to compete for the belt. It seems that the Archangel has become a thorn in my side. Archangel, I'm going to have to pound you back into the dirt to get rid of you, aren't I? It's really too bad, though. You have some potential. I hate to think that I'm going to have to cut your career short. BL: And believe me, Joe Latta is just the man to be able to do that. Now, there's the little matter of Don Antonio. Antonio attacked my man Tiger Claw blatantly on Saturday night. Now, I guess he has the right to be upset. It's not every day that you're faced with the end of your career at the end of the week. That's right, Antonio. You have signed yourself up for one of the most dangerous matches I have ever seen. There's no way out of that cage, and no way in. It's just the two of you in the ring with a baseball bat. A match like this can break bones. Of course, you know how that feels, don't you, Don? Are you sure those ribs are healed sufficiently? Are you sure you're going to be at one hundred percent this Saturday? I hope so, because I'd hate to see you blame this on something else other than your lack of talent. Of course, you'll do that anyway, won't you? Do you think that you are owed a title, Antonio? It seems that every time you screw up a title shot, you have to whine and cry about corruption in the league. Mr. Antonio, why can't you just face it that you're not championship calibre? I realize it's a hard thing to be resigned to, but honestly, Mr. Antonio, I'm really getting tired of hearing you blame others for your incompetence. KT: But Brian, you know how these Americans are with their conspiracy theories. BL: I know. It's pathetic. They're always looking for someone else to blame. I'm thinking I should just pack up and become a lawyer so I can make money suing McDonalds for making hot coffee... KT: Then where would the IIWF be without you? BL: It was a joke, Kenny. Lighten up. KT: Oh... Sorry. Well, I do believe that we're running short on time, so I think it's time to be on our way. Folks at home, I'm Kenny Tanaka for the entire Syndicate saying: So long, everybody! [Cut back to Larry and Becky] LM: The Syndicate is certainly in the middle of thing right now, eh Becky? BL: [staring into space] A tour bus! They have a freakin' tour bus! LM: Uh, yes. Well this would be a good time to take a look at what's coming up right here in Denver tomorrow night: ************************************************************************** --------------------- IIWF MIDWEEK MAYHEM PREVIEW ---------------------- ************************************************************************** LM: We have what may quite honestly be the most exciting Midweek Mayhem in history coming your way LIVE right here from McNichols Arena. BL: Maybe if these goober fans would buy tickets to Mayhem instead of watching this free show, we'd actually have a crowd. LM: I don't think you'll have to worry about that, Becky. With Ring Wars II now just four days away, this will be the fans' last chance to see their favorite IIWF stars tune up. And with everything taking place in the IIWF right now, no one knows what might happen. BL: And I'm excited about this "Battle Lines Battle Royal" with 14 men vying for a shot at the IIWF World Title the week after Ring Wars II. Of course, the belt will then be held by Outlaw J.W. Hardin, who will demolish Deathbringer and.... LM: Don't be too sure about that, Becky. I'm sure Deathbringer has a plan to take care of Hardin and Cadaver. You know what they say: you can't cheat death. BL: Let's hope that's true in your case, Larry. LM: Let's take a look at the complete lineup for tomorrow night's Midweek Mayhem: * ARMED FORCES vs. ATOMIC DESTROYERS [NON-TITLE] * BILLY SHAKESPEARE & THE PUNSTER vs. ACES OF THE DEEP * DEATHBRINGER vs. ROBSKI [NON-TITLE] LM: The belt may not be on the line, but Deathbringer isn't too thrilled about the way Outlaw J.W. Hardin and Cadaver keep jumping him and I'm willing to bet that Robski will pay the price at Midweek Mayhem. BL: There you go taking sides again! LM: Let's hear from the IIWF World Champion: [SCENE: The graveyard. Deathbringer stands outside a crypt] DB: "Again and again and again.... Once again you blindsided me, beat me with a chair and executed your Cattle Buster DDT on me. You start to bore me, Outlaw. And this is most dangerous for you and your health. But I also recognize that Cadaver has not told you everything he knows and this was just what I expected. Outlaw, you might not know it, but you are on your own. Sooner or later you will see what I mean. You should have obeyed the Reaper, but now there is no way to turn back. In just a few days you will meet your final fate. Prepare well, Outlaw. Until then I have another task to fulfill. I have to step into the ring against you, Robski. This will be our first encounter and it might be our last. Just like all the other competitors here in the IIWF you will have to feel my power. This power is like fire. And fire loves to burn. Better watch out that you do not become a victim of the flames. Robski, prepare to meet your maker!" * THE BATTLE LINES BATTLE ROYAL: 1. The White Phoenix 2. Billy Sexton 3. Dan Kauffman 4. Hakiro Matsuoko 5. Chris Quigley 6. Randy Acorn 7. Subway Psycho 8. Otto Verhoeven 9. Takezo Musashi 10. Simon Lebec 11. Don Antonio 12. Casey James 13. Man Of Steel 14. The Sandman LM: The IIWF's superstars are already gearing up for this incredible battle for a shot at the world title. Simon Lebec, for one, has taken a break from his world travels to prepare for the battle royal. Our roving correspondent Buck Wheat caught up with the Showstopper yesterday: [SCENE: "Showstopper" Simon Lebec sits back, sipping on a cocktail] SL: This Wednesday, thirteen other IIWF superstars receive the honor of stepping in the ring with a legend. Thirteen other men for a shot at the title? No problem. After watching the latest installment of my vacation, you'll see that nothing can intimidate me now, except if the battle royal happened to be in Newfoundland. HA! Take a look! [Cut to footage of Simon Lebec who looks more frustrated than ever. He is standing next to a sign reading "Welcome to Corner Brook: Home of Not Much!"] SL: This is without a doubt, the most God awful place I've been so far,and that's saying something. I hear Chris Quigley is from this little hole! No wonder he's been beefing Warnett in the locker rooms before showtime. The women here are so damn ugly! Can you say "lip wax" ladies? I've built up a little theory of this place, and I've only been here for an hour. Here goes: As everyone knows, Newfies are the dumbest people in the world. Now, within this cradle of idiocy, contains the piss pot known as Corner Brook. Now, if the people of Corner Brook are the dumbest people in Newfie, then it's reasonably fair to assume that the people of Corner Brook are the dumbest people in the entire world. Francois! Feed the dogs! We'll soon be off of this rock! [A large band of migrant Newfies dog sled up to Lebec] MALE NEWFIE: 'Ow's she goin', b'y?? We's jus' goin' where da moose is to, right! Gotta get our vitamins and minerals like dat fella who helped me out with dat bout o'scurvy told me to. Said if I wants ta look like da people in da Sears catalogue at da general store, den I's better eat good. SL: WHAT?? You're an illiterate retard!! FEMALE NEWFIE: My son! You looks good enuff to brown bag, you do! Come to da igloo for a mug-up, look! Got some toutons! And some jam! SL: Jesus!! Let go of my arm you crazy Eskimo!! HEEEEELLLLLLLPPPPPP!! [The shot fades as Lebec is being dragged away] LM: Was Buck Wheat even in that spot? BL: I don't think he could get a word in with Lebec around. LM: Well Lebec may have a bigger problem than the good people of Newfoundland. We showed you earlier that Mistress Sasha demands full booking control of the Subway Psycho in the IIWF, but the Psycho is geared up for the Battle Lines Battle Royal at Midweek Mayhem. In fact, he has only one word for this so-called good versus evil war: hooey. BL: Hooey? LM: Just watch: [Scene: A dark catacomb somewhere beneath New York City. It is damp and cold. Echoes of indistinguishable noises come from everywhere to form a ghostly chorus of what seem like whispers. A single candlelight throws shadows in every direction. One shadow moves into view...the silhouette formed is that of the Subway Psycho.] SP: The IIWF continues to divide itself into two groups. The forces of the light, or good, versus the dark, or evil side. The Family has issued a warning to me not to desert the side of the light. I'm not deserting it, because I don't believe it exists. I see everyone in the IIWF as a potential enemy and opponent. Stay out of my way and I'll stay out of yours. I'm grateful for the role you played in freeing Sasha, but it ends there. I owe you nothing, so don't look for handouts from me. I've heard much of the talk of how evil, or dark, some of these men are. That's all it is...talk. Ring Wars II isn't Halloween. Ring Wars II isn't a casting call for a "Nightmare on Elm Street" sequel. It doesn't matter how much you profess to be evil. It doesn't matter how far you believe to be "on the dark side." For Ring Wars II is where I shine...and not because I'm a good guy, a force of the light. Neither is it because I dwell in darkness in these dank tunnels. It is for one simple reason...I KICK ASS BETTER THAN ANYONE! It is that simple. I don't care if you're the re-incarnation of the devil himself or Little Jack Horner...once you're in the ring with me it's only a matter of time before you're flat on your back screaming for help. If there is any doubt who's the BEST WRESTLER in IIWF, or who's the TOUGHEST MAN, watch the upcoming battle royal. I have no allegiances to anyone in that match. Unlike anyone else in that match, I don't care if you're supposed to be a "good guy" or a "bad guy," your ass is going over that rope. Enough with the "good" and "bad" bull [bleep], you should be concerned with who is the BEST! [Cut back to Larry and Becky] BL: I didn't hear him say "hooey" once. LM: Maybe not, but it's becoming clear that this Battle Lines Battle Royal is quickly taking on the shine of a pay-per-view match. It not only will feature some of the most volatile wrestlers in the IIWF right now, but it's also for a shot at the IIWF world title. Takezo Musashi, the man they call The Enigma.... BL: Unless you're Sparkplug Lee. LM: ...is preparing for a war tomorrow night in that exciting main event. And it's no surprise that he has targeted a member of The Syndicate. Let's hear from "The Enigma" Takezo Musashi right now: TM: So much has been happening in the IIWF over the last couple of weeks, that I haven't even had time to prepare myself mentally for the Battle Lines Battle Royal on Midweek Mayhem. It will be an honour to compete in fierce combat against so many worthy stars of the IIWF, and it will give me the opportunity to study their various wrestling styles. One by one, it is my destiny to face you all eventually, so I will endeavour to test myself against each and every one of you in Battle Lines. But I see that there is one competitor involved who I will seek out over any other, somebody I would gladly forfeit victory in this prestigious event simply to have the satisfaction of eliminating. Those who have been following the IIWF will know exactly whom I speak of. Hakiro Matsuoko, you have angered me too many times in the last few weeks with your constant interference and baiting. It is a shame that we cannot compete honourably, but when twisted men such as yourself exist it is necessary to fight fire with fire! Angel of the Rising Sun, you had better hope you can stay away from me on Wednesday night, otherwise you may not be fit enough to turn up at Ring Wars.... [Cut back to Morton and LaRue] LM: The Battle Lines Battle Royal is on the minds of 14 IIWF superstars! But there are plenty of challenges to go around in a segment we call: ************************************************************************** --------------------------- IIWF TRASH TALK ---------------------------- ************************************************************************** LM: And indeed, the action here in the IIWF is really getting.... [Morton is interrupted by a disturbance in the crowd. Suddenly, a figure in an orange jumpsuit jumps onto the stage and looks around, as if he is being followed. Prisoner #109 grabs the microphone from Larry.] P109: I'm back! I've always been back! I had to take a small vacation! A lot has change since I have been gone and I'm going to make an even louder impact now than ever before. I'm ready to step in the ring and win again. I challenge John Bomber to a match tomorrow night at Midweek Mayhem! Bomber, I'm a man on a mission to destroy all in my way. If you don't belive me well just try me! [Prisoner #109 jumps from the stage and back into the crowd screaming "you haven't heard the last from me."] BL: Friend of yours, Larry? LM: I didn't know we might need security out here tonight. But with Ring Wars II so near, anything can happen. We'll have to see if the IIWF booking committee decides to grant that match at such a late notice, but how do you say no to someone as crazy as that? Now where was I? BL: I believe you were busy wetting your pants. LM: No, I mean before that lunatic jumped up here. Oh, that's right. You may recall that Tim Dross was somewhat rudely interrupted during Friday's report by a Lady DeWinter who said she is bringing some new wrestler to the IIWF. She asked Tim to meet her at the Cafe aux Bohiemiens in New Orleans, and Dross was able to catch a red-eye flight from Utah to Louisiana to keep that date. Here is the report filed by Tim: [Tim Dross, wearing an elegant dinner suit, stands in the reception area of the Cafe aux Bohiemiens, in New Orleans. The time, judging from the clock on the wall, is reaching 7.20 p.m. He is getting impatient. A phone rings in the background] TD: I don't believe this, I've had to fly from Utah to Louisiana overnight, I've had almost no sleep, I tell you, if she's not here by... [An usher walks over] USHER: [in a deep French accent] Pardon, Monsieur Tim Dross? The Lady DeWinter regretfully informs us that she is late, and will be here in around 10 minutes. Would you like to go to your table? TD: Very well. [Tim follows the usher through the restaurant to a table for two overlooking the street.] USHER: [handing Tim the menu] Milady wondered if you would be so kind to order from our wine list? [Tim looks at the wines and prices, all in French] TD: What do you recommend? USHER: [smiling] Milady usually enjoys a Chateau de Miraval Rose...shall I bring a bottle? TD: Yes, thank you... [Tim sits back and waits, humming and checking his watch. Outside the window, a jet black stretch limousine rolls down the street. A few minutes later, Lady DeWinter walks into the restaurant, wearing a stunning black silk evening gown. She is accompanied by the usher, who pulls out her seat for her, before pouring two glasses of wine.] LD: [smiling delightedly] Timmy! Miraval Rose? How DID you know? TD: [shrugging, embarrassed]: I had some help from the usher....now Milady, I was wondering.. LD: Just one second, Tim...Pierre, could you take our orders for us? USHER: Certainly, Milady. LD: Bon. Je voudrais La Poitrine de Poulet Rotie au Vin Rouge et Feuilles d' Estragon, s'il vous plait. And what are you having, Timmy? [Tim quickly looks at the French menu] TD: erm... LD: The Bouillabaisse is very good. Try it. TD: No, actually I may have Le Saumon Fume du Pacifique Glace a L' Erable. [Lady DeWinter deflates slightly. The usher walks off with the order] TD: Now, Milady, you were going to tell us some more about this wrestler you are introducing to the IIWF... LD: Of course, Timmy. You know, this is his favourite restaurant? TD: Really? does he live in New Orleans? LD: [laughing] Good gracious no, he only stays here while he is in America. He says it is the only place in the USA that doesn't reek of corruption and violence. And that's mainly due to the calming European influence in the area. TD: So he's from Europe then, is he? Where in Europe? LD: Nosey! As I said, all will be revealed in good time. That's a very nice suit, Timmy, I am very impressed. TD: [frowning at the blatant distraction] Milady, could you please tell us some more about your wrestler's past? LD: My, you are a persistent one, aren't you? Well, since you asked me so nicely... He has always been an exceptionally talented wrestler, right from when he first started. He went on to win most of the amateur titles in his country, before winning Olympic Silver in 1988. With that achievement, he turned professional, wrestling for four years in the Japanese leagues, before coming to this rancid backwater country, where he has been wrestling since 1992, so you can see he has a wide range of experience. I myself cannot understand why he left Japan, a much more pleasant country. At least there the people treat you with respect. TD: Well, Milady, if you want the respect of the people here, you have to earn it. And making Anti-American comments doesn't help. LD: [angrily] The people should show respect for those above their station. But these imbecilic, inbred pig farmers wouldn't know pure class if they saw it. Let them have their 9 til' 5 jobs and McDonald's take aways, we have no need for them or their respect. TD: Milady, please. Could we change the subject? When will we get the chance to see your man in action? LD: You'll have your first chance to see him when I introduce him to the IIWF at Ring Wars II. No doubt he'll have one or two things to say, and I'm sure he will be making his official debut soon afterwards. TD: And will we be hearing any more from you before Ring Wars? LD: As I did say, Timmy, you'll just have to wait and see... [A waiter walks over with the meals. The scene fades out.] BL: Well, now I really know where our budget went for this show. Just like Dross to get the peachy assignments. Hell, I can't even get reimbursed for my meals at Denny's and dross is sharing expensive meals with that little bitch in.... LM: Uh, Becky, that will be quite enough. We do have a censor on this show, remember? BL: And she thinks New Orleans doesn't reek of corruption and violence? Hell, it has the nation's highest murder rate! It's my kind of town! LM: Settle down! BL: That little bitch! LM: Sigh. Moving on, the IIWF Tag Team champions Armed Forces will get a final tune-up for Ring Wars II when they take on the Atomic Destroyers in a non-title matchup. I believe the champs may be looking past the Atomic Destoyers. BL: Why would Aaron the Caddy even let his men wrestle this match just three days before Ring Wars II? LM: Maybe he just wants to show the world how mean his two men really are. Our "Inside the IIWF" camera crew caught up with the Armed Forces following their win over The Family last Wednesday: [SCENE: The locker room. NavCom and DefCon, the Armed Forces, have just defeated Vinny and Don in their successful defense of the IIWF World Tag Team Championships. Aaron the Caddy is present also.] Aaron: Good match tonight, guys. We're going into Ring Wars HOT. DC: Yeah, Ring Wars, we get the opportunity of a lifetime. We get to punish not one, but the two biggest [bleep] teams in the IIWF. Drifters, ever since you lost these belts to us on that fateful Saturday Night, it's been nothing but tears shed and attacks launched. But each time, we get away...with the titles. NC: Drifters...you've run in on many a match. Cost us a sure win against Law and Disorder...jumped us the other night after our defense against the Astrologers...and tonight, when we had the Fettucine Alfredos on the ropes, you came in and cost us a SURE pinfall victory. Aaron: You've been doin' nothin' but flashin' those fake belts around. The Peoples' Choice Award, or whatever you call it, is just that! Who cares what people think of you?! The true measure of greatness in this world is what you EARN. And we've earned these titles, HPD. Nav and Def have 'em, and you don't. And so you taking those popularity symbols and shining them up doesn't do a darn thing for me, or these two studs that stand next to me. Come Ring Wars II, you'll finally drift away into the sunset... DC: We spanked you on Saturday Night!!! We gave you a rematch, and you didn't have the balls to show up!!! And now they give you another shot...some politics around here. Well, come the 12th, we'll show you how politics work in the military, and you'll both be COURT MARTIALED!!! NC: Linguini Lamers...you fought a decent battle. But, when you called those thugs into jump us from behind, that is where I lost respect for you. We had you beaten fair and square, but the Drifters had to interfere. And Antonio, when you put me in that Death Hold or whatever you call it, that was nothing at all. I'd never give up to some little...ear-twister like that. Goodness, if that's your signature move, it's time to quit signing autographs. Aaron: Just another win for my Forces. It brings us to one more match...at Ring Wars. We've addressed the HPD situation, now let's talk to that...other wildcard team they threw in there. You know who I'm referring to... DC: Punt Team. It'll be time to kick when we hold you deep in your own territory on the 12th, because just like in the past, we're gonna pound you, and pound you, and beat you some more. We'll finally finish you off, and then we'll have the Drifters...manos a manos. Aaron: I didn't know you were bilingual. DC: I'm not. I got a shot for that when I was 12. NC: [chuckle] DC: Ron, I've powerbombed you to oblivion in the past, and it's not going to come to an end this time. I'll send your back crashing to the mat and pin you 1-2-3 to eliminate you. Aaron: And that will be when the real match begins...once the Jobbers have been eliminated. Well, you guys said you wanted a tune up match, and I got you one for Mayhem. You're up against the Atomic Destroyers, non-title. NC: Look at the courage. On the eve of one of our biggest matches ever, we sign for a big match like this one. Larn, Steroid, you're great competitors. You manipulate referee intelligence well, and you fight hard. But, come Wednesday night, we're gonna beat the living heck outta you just like anybody else. Because friend or foe, when we're in the ring...it's business as usual. Period. See you in the ring. DC: Pale, Easy, Ron, Steve...the time is come. The time for destruction of your pitiful alliance. Long live the reign of the Armed Forces. [both men flash the belts to the camera] Aaron: Okay, men. Let's go watch some footage of your previous whippings of these guys.. [All three walk out. Fade.] LM: Gee, do you think there will be any television stations from Omaha trying to get press credentials for Ring Wars II? BL: Only if they want to see the Armed Forces eliminate two more teams from the IIWF. LM: And Stunt Team USA is one of the teams to which you refer, but Ron Fire and Steve Forget have different plans...er, if they ever figure out Belgarath's little football puzzle. Let's check in on the guys now: [SCENE: The gym. Ron Fire and Steve Forget sit on a bench, looking up to the football that still hangs above the ring] SF: "`Diz is insane! How shall I get up to that ball without any help?" RF: "Yeah, I donno either. The Wizard surely`s one strange dude..." [The Wizard enters the scene] BM: "As I can see you still haven`t solved your task yet, noble knights. It`s about time that you come up with a solution! In just a few days you've got your second shot at the title, and I want you to get the belts this time." RF: "Yeah, sure. And we wanna get `em belts as well. But why don`t we just skip this stupid task, eh? It`s of no use." SF: "Right, I think and think and think, but there`s just no way to do it! We`re not allowed to use foreign objects and we`re not allowed to help each other. Com`on, how shall we do `diz?" BM: "This, noble knights, is _your_ task. But I`m quite confident that the dragonslayers will solve it very soon..." [The Wizard turns around and starts to leave] RF: "Dragon... what?" [Belgarath turns around again] BM: "Dragonslayers... That`s you!" [He finally leaves] RF: "Dragonslayers... aha..." SF: "Never mind, Ron... Let`s try and find a solution ... quick!" [Fade. Cut back to Larry and Becky] BL: You know, it will be nice to see Armed Forces eliminate those guys from the IIWF. LM: Speaking of elimination, anything can happen in the War Games match at Ring Wars II. That thought has IIWF Cruiserweight Champ Billy Shakespeare more than a little upset because he's put his belt on the line in that match against Randy Acorn. BL: And that may have been a mistake because the good guys are falling apart right know. Kauffman is screwed up in the head after being locked in the casket, Man of Steel is beating up his own teammates. It looks like the rats are deserting the sinking ship. LM: Billy Shakespeare is deserting nothing, but he did have some rather pointed comments for his Ring Wars II teammates when we caught up with him Saturday night: [Billy Shakespeare in the Delta Center. He watches the crack IIWF crew dismantle the ring. He sits silently on a travelbox before turning and addressing the camera.] BS: "To be, or not to be. That is the question." The answer to that will have to wait for a moment, because I'm demanding answers of a different sort. Namely, what is going through the heads of my Ring wars teammates? I put my belt on the line in the middle of that match because I thought I'd have the best the IIWF has to offer at my side. But what do I see? Kauffman is taking on the league single-handed, Quigley is going week-to-week trying to contain the chaos which is his career, Subway is more obsessed with the front office than the ring, and I hope I speak for everyone when I say that I we don't even want Man of Steel in the ring with us. Throw into the mix the fact that someone exhumed Cadaver, and I'm wondering why we're stepping into the ring at all. It appears as if we've already lost. Yeah, I want answers. But even more. If I drop my belt because one of you has his mind on different matters, you're answering to me. [He turns away from the camera. A Roadie comes to take the travelbox but beholds Billy's savage expression and goes elsewhere. Camera cuts away.] LM: Wow, I would hate to be the one to have to address those questions. If Dan Kauffman's team goes into Ring Wars with that attitude, they don't stand a chance. BL: Haven't you been listening? I've been trying to tell you that all night! LM: Well, we _have_ been waiting all night to hear from Bulldog Brown, the newest member of our little IIWF broadcast family. Bulldog is standing by LIVE with Taurus and Scorpio, The Zodiac Connection. Bulldog? [Cut to an interview area with a glowing neon IIWF sign behind it. Bulldog Brown, a balding but gruff-looking man stands wearing an IIWF blazer over a white t-shirt. Beside him are Taurus and Scorpio.] BB: Thanks, Larry. Well guys, [he turns to Taurus and Scorpio], Pain Inc. wants to kick your asses. Whaddya say? Taurus: Pain, Inc., you should look at the stars for they have determined that you will fall at our hands in the match that you wanted! Scorpio: You should definitely listen to the big man! We have gotten ourselves the one man who can lead us to victory in the match you so desperately wanted. [The Zodiac Connection walk away as Bulldog looks at his notes for the next question. When he looks up, Taurus and Scorpio have gone.] BB: Yeah. Well. Uh, back to you Larry. [Cut back to Morton and LaRue] LM: We'll work on those broadcast skills later, Bulldog. BL: We now know our budget wasn't blown on Bulldog. What the hell did Dross eat in New Orleans? LM: I'm not sure, but Tim was forced to do penance when Buck Wheat didn't show up for his second interview with Simon Lebec. BL: Can you really blame little Buck for that? LM: I think Tim Dross may, because he had to fill in and ask Lebec about his hair versus hair match at Ring Wars II. BL: Heehee. Tim could let Lebec borrow _his_ hair for the match. LM: That's not funny, Becky. Let's go to this footage: [Cut to Tim Dross and Simon Lebec, who are both sitting down] TD: I'm here with "The Showstopper" Simon Lebec, who is preparing for his match with Marty Warnett at Ring Wars this Saturday. Now Mr. Lebec, this is a hair vs. hair match in which the loser gets a haircut. Do you have any reason to be worried? SL: Why should I Dross? Warnett's a punk kid. He cuts my hair? So be it! I'll still be the sexiest man in the world today. He'll always be a punk no matter what! He wants to cut my hair, like he did Francois?? Ain't gonna happen! Plain and simple. You see Warnett........you gotta beat me first. And beating me ain't so easy. TD: This "punk", as you referred to him, has creating quite a stir since entering the IIWF. Perhaps it won't be so easy to beat him. SL: You see, that's what I hate. A kid comes into a fed pissin' vinegar and people lose their minds! Warnett, I was getting pounded by the best in wrestling while you were still striking out in little league! You've a had good run kid, but now it's time to learn your first real lesson ... and that's the first humiliation. You bit off more than you could chew, and now you're gonna choke on it. Warnett's going down. He'll put up a fight, but he'll go down nonetheless. After that, it'll be snip-snip with those locks of his. TD: That's the word from Lebec himself. Thank you Mr. Lebec. SL: No sweat chief! Here, have a copy of my latest book "1000 Great Things About Simon Lebec, Vol. 4." I'm sure you won't be disappointed. [Cut back to Larry and Becky] BL: Wow, is Lebec going for Kauffman's world interview record or what? We really need to get him another movie role. LM: Well one role that could be cut short here in the IIWF is the managerial reign of either the Grand Vizier or Mr. Mic. Of course, that depends on whether or not Mr. Mic accepts the challenge put forth by the Grand Vizier in the following interview. Take a look: [SCENE: Prince Abdul and Grand Vizier are sitting in an office watching what appears to be excerpts from recent IIWF broadcasts on a huge television screen. Tears of laughter can be seen rolling down both mens' faces.] GV: Oh, Mr Mic [he laughs ], you are so entertaining. We have never laughed so much as since you joined the IIWF. [The prince can be seen fiddling with a video remote control ] PA: Here it is, here it is, look! [On the screen Mr. Mic waves his arm and a 600 lb bull comes charging out from one of the dugouts. Hellraiser's eyes widen as he charges the bull! He grabs the bull by the horns and flips it over, frequently bodyslamming the poor animal until it doesn't move any more. Both men burst out laughing again.] GV: Mr. Mic, did you not think that we would be able to see the cables attached to that bull? It's just like one of those bad puppet shows from the 1970's. Who are you trying to impress? And as for us being jealous of you and Pain Inc., well I'm afraid nothing could be farther from the truth. You are a panjandrum Mr. Mic, and your team is just a couple of worthless fools. [The Vizier pulls a paper from his desk ] GV: Yes, in a poll conducted by the IIWF earlier this week, 87% of the fans said that The Arabian Knights were a better tag team than Pain Inc. And you know what? I have to agree! But you are right, Mr. Mic, this has gone far enough! So I have a proposition to put to you -- no don't get too excited, it's not that type of proposition. [he laughs] No, the time for talk is now over. There is only one way to settle this -- in the ring. The record between the Arabian Knights and Pain Inc. stands at 1-1 and only a third match will decide which is the better team. But I also have a further stipulation that will settle things between us, Mr. Mic: that the manager of the losing team will have to leave the IIWF! Do you accept or are you the coward I think you are? [he laughs again] There are a few other points to address though, one of which is the interference of the Atomic Destroyers in our match with Heavy Metal. PA: Yes, Destroyers could you not see that we were comprehensively beating Heavy Metal? We did not appreciate your interference. Then again your record shows that the only way you are going to be able to beat anyone is if they have already taken a beating! It is no wonder that you have joined forces with the High Plains Drifters. At least it stopped them from giving you a good kicking once again! GV: Finally, it looks like we must once again battle the Aces of the Deep -- this time at Ring Wars II. Well fish men, we guarantee that we are going to make short work of you at the free-for-all. All that will be left of you is sushi! [Cut back to Larry and Becky] LM: Fans, I'd just like to say right now that the IIWF conducted no such survey of tag team popularity. We DO conduct market polls and surveys to determine demographics and marketing strategies, but by no means.... BL: Larry? LM: ...huh? BL: Shut up. LM: Uh, okay. Let's get right into: ************************************************************************** --------------------- RING WARS II: A LOOK AHEAD ---------------------- ************************************************************************** LM: It's hard to believe, but our _fourth_ pay-per-view spectacular is coming your way this Saturday from the Hoosier Dome in Indianapolis, Indiana. BL: Yeah, it seems like we've been hearing about this show for the last six months. LM: But it will have been well worth the wait. Fans, this would be a great time to pick up the phone and call your local cable operator Tell them you want all the action of Ring Wars II from the comfort of your living room. BL: I'd rather have all the action from Brad Kinder's bedro... LM: And tell those cable operators that Larry Morton sent you! BL: Oh yeah, THAT will impress them. LM: Let's take a look at the exciting matches slated for Ring Wars II: =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= IIWF WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP CASKET MATCH: =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Deathbringer vs. Outlaw J.W. Hardin ------------------------------------------------- =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= WAR GAMES MATCH: =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Dan Kauffman [c] vs. Casey "Blackheart" James [C] Man Of Steel Joe Latta "Quickstrike" Chris Quigley Otto "the Butcher" Verhoeven "Spotlight" Billy Shakespeare "Painbringer" Billy Sexton Vinny Cappicola The Sandman The White Phoenix "Badboy" Randy Acorn Subway Psycho Robski --------------------------------------------------------------------- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= IIWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP CAGE BASEBALL BAT MATCH: -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Tiger Claw vs. Don Antonio ---------------------------------- =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= THREE-WAY IIWF WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP ELIMINATION MATCH: =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Armed Forces vs. High Plains Drifters vs. Stunt Team USA ------------------------------------------------------------- =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- LOG SCAFFOLD MATCH: =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- "Angel of the Sun" Hakiro Matsuoko vs. "Enigma" Takezo Musashi -------------------------------------------------------------- =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= HAIR vs. HAIR MATCH: =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= "Showstopper" Simon Lebec vs. Marty Warnett ------------------------------------------- =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= LUMBERJACK RULES NOOSE MATCH: =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= The Hangman vs. Fisto Flash (w/Atomic Destroyers) (w/Heavy Metal) ------------------------------------------- =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= TEXAS BULLROPE STEEL CAGE MATCH: =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Pain Inc. vs. The Zodiac Connection ------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------------------- IIWF Free For All: ----------------------------------------------------------------------- The Punster & Archangel vs. Magus & Prisoner #109 The Arabian Knights vs. Aces of the Deep ----------------------------------------------------------------------- ************************************************************************** --------------------- LATEST IIWF SINGLES RANKINGS --------------------- ************************************************************************** -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Name F/H Fought W L D Win% Ranking -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Deathbringer F 18 14 2 2 83% WC Tiger Claw H 25 14 10 1 58% IC Billy Shakespeare F 18 14 4 0 78% CW -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Outlaw J.W. Hardin H 15 11 2 2 80% 1(T) The White Phoenix F 5 4 1 0 80% 1(T) Chris Quigley F 9 7 2 0 78% 3(T) Otto Verhoeven H 9 7 2 0 78% 3(T) Dan Kauffman F 19 13 4 2 74% 5 Subway Psycho F 16 11 4 1 72% 6 "Enigma" Takezo Musashi N 10 7 3 0 70% 7 Billy Sexton H 16 10 6 0 63% 8 Hakiro Matsuoko H 17 10 6 1 62% 9 Don Antonio F 15 9 6 0 60% 10(T) Robski H 15 9 6 0 60% 10(T) The Sandman H 10 6 4 0 60% 10(T) Simon Lebec H 17 10 7 0 59% 13(T) Vinny Cappicola F 11 5 3 3 59% 13(T) Casey James H 17 9 6 2 59% 13(T) Man Of Steel F 22 11 9 2 55% 16(T) Mr. Damage H 11 6 5 0 55% 16(T) Joe Latta H 17 8 8 1 50% 18(T) Fisto Flash H 16 7 7 2 50% 18(T) "Badboy" Randy Acorn H 10 4 4 2 50% 18(T) Prince of Darkness H 16 6 7 3 47% 21 The Hangman H 10 3 4 3 45% 22 Marty Warnett F 10 4 6 0 40% 23 The Punster F 12 4 7 1 38% 24 Archangel F 6 2 4 0 33% 25 Magus H 13 4 9 0 31% 26 Prisoner #109 H 9 2 6 1 28% 27 "Nuclear" John Bomber F 11 2 9 0 18% 28 Sabin Figaro F 6 1 5 0 17% 29 ************************************************************************** -------------------- LATEST IIWF TAG TEAM RANKINGS --------------------- ************************************************************************** -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Team F/H Fought W L D Win% Ranking -------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Armed Forces H 12 9 2 1 79% WT -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Pain Inc. H 5 4 1 0 80% 1 High Plains Drifters H 16 12 4 0 75% 2 Heavy Metal H 7 5 2 0 71% 3(T) The Arabian Knights H 7 5 2 0 71% 3(T) Stunt Team USA F 16 10 6 0 63% 5 Atomic Destroyers H 10 5 4 1 55% 6 The Zodiac Connection F 6 3 3 0 50% 7 Aces of the Deep F 6 2 4 0 33% 8 -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Rising Sun Revolution F 4 4 0 0 100% 10 -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ************************************************************************** ----- COMING FRIDAY: "THE ROAD TO RING WARS II" WITH TIM DROSS ------ ************************************************************************** LM: Heaven only knows what will happen at Midweek Mayhem, but Tim Dross will be on hand to dissect it Friday in a special "Road to Ring Wars II" LIVE from the Hoosier Dome in Indianapolis, Indiana. BL: Timmy will have the latest news, notes, and interviews... and if you all play your cards right, I may even show up. LM: Hold on! We've just received word that John Bomber was watching our show tonight and called in to say that he accepts the challenge issued right here by Prisoner #109. So we can add one more match to tomorrow night's Midweek Mayhem. BL: Great, at least we know SOMEONE is watching this show. LM: That's all we have time for tonight! Thanks for joining us here on the first "Inside the IIWF." We'll be back next Tuesday to discuss everything that happened at Ring Wars II -- and that's a show you won't want to miss. BL: So, for the bit-player Larry Morton, this is the star of "Inside the IIWF," Becky LaRue, saying nighty-night guys. LM: [in a whisper that is picked up on audio] Nighty-night? What the hell kind of way is that to end a show? [The remote camera zooms back over the screaming fans and turns to get a shot of a lighted McNichols Arena against the twilight. The credits roll by too quickly to read. Fade.] +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= I * I * W * F =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-+ Send mail to iiwf@sisko.demon.co.uk with the subject lines: "send faq" for the FAQ + "send singles" or "send tag" for the rosters + "send handlers" for a list of handlers +------------------------------------+---------------------------+ URL: http://www.sisko.demon.co.uk/|President: Daniel Spreadbury +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-+-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-+