[Cut to a montage of IIWF action accompanied by hard rock music. The final chord lingers as Mr. Damage applies an arm bar submission on Bobby B. Goode. Suddenly, the screen explodes into a mass of fire and smoke, through which emerges the IIWF's familiar logo:] ##### ###### ### ########## ########## ########## #### ## ########## ########## ########## #### # #### ######## ##### ##### #### ## ##### #### #### #### #### ### #### #### #### #### ############# ######### #### #### ########### ######### #### #### #### #### #### ######### ######### ### #### #### ######### ######### ### ## #### ######## ######## ## # #### =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- ## =-=-=-= INTERNATIONAL INTERNET WRESTLING FEDERATION ================================================= "COUNTDOWN TO SATURDAY NIGHT" - January 10, 1997 ================================================= [Cut to the IIWF Studio. The remote camera zooms down the aisle as members of the studio audience scramble to get on camera. A man waves a homemade "Khaos Kauffman" poster. An elderly woman counters with a "Quigley's No Quitter!" poster. And a maniacal-looking teen waves an official IIWF Zippo Lighter and chants "Serge is cool... Serge is cool." The camera zooms toward Larry Morton and Becky LaRue sitting at the broadcast desk.] LM: Hello again everyone and welcome to another exciting installment of "Countdown to Saturday Night." I'm Larry Morton, and beside me as always is the lovely Becky LaRue. BL: Actually I'm always in front of you. LM: Whatever the case may be, we have some major stories to discuss on the show tonight. No fewer than four men claim rights to the IIWF Intercontinental Championship belt. Rookie sensation Ronnie Paris has an answer to Mad Dog Watkins' challenge. And the battle for the IIWF World Heavyweight Championship belt has turned vicious, as we saw last Saturday when Dan Kauffman and The Players' Club brutally attacked "Quickstrike" Chris Quigley. BL: Yeah, I've been playing the tape over and over. It's great. Kauffman finally did something right. LM: I _can_ tell you about rumors of three stars who apparently have left the IIWF on short notice. Again, these are strictly rumors, and you can get the scoop on this story and much more by calling the IIWF Hotline at 1-900-325-IIWF this Sunday! It's only $12.95 per minute and you'll have to chance to hear inside information from both Tim Dross and "Soundbite" Steve Roberts. BL: That's right, kids! So go steal Daddy's wallet and take out the shiny credit card and call today. Now where were we, Larry? LM: Uh, cards and letters continue to pour in for Quigley, who was taken to Memorial Hospital here in town and has been under the supervision of the best specialists in the country. Our Bulldog Brown is standing by at Memorial Hospital to give us an update, so let's cut to him now. Bulldog? [SCENE: Bulldog Brown stands outside a hospital room, with a solemn looking doctor beside him.] BB: Bulldog Brown here with Dr. Michael Davidson, who has been observing Chris Quigley for the past few days. Doctor, what's the condition of Quigley? Is it as bad as we had feared? MD: Well Mr. Brown, right now the situation is still up in the air, as Mr. Quigley has clearly been the most difficult patient we've ever had here at this hospital. It's a struggle just to give him painkillers, and he refuses x-rays on his neck. Maybe he's afraid of the worst, but all I can... [Just then the door behind the two men bursts open thanks to a hard Quigley boot from Quigley, who walks out wearing only a pair of jeans. His leather jacket is slung over a bare shoulder. Quigley shoves Dr. Davidson to one side and grabs the microphone.] CQ: If you want to know how I'm doing, Brown, all you've gotta do is ask me! I'm just as good as I ever was, and if Dan Kauffman and The Player's Club think they can put me out, they'd better scratch their heads and think again! BB: But... your neck... how is it? CQ: My neck is just fine, Brown! If there's one thing these doctors are good at, it's blowing things out of proportion. When I retire, it'll be on MY terms, and not thanks to some paper champion who can't handle the pressure of the belt he's got around his waist! Kauffman, before it was just about your title belt, but now you've made the gigantic mistake of making it personal! And as far as I'm concerned, Reyna and Dynamite are a part of this now too! You guys are just great when it comes to sneak attacks and triple teaming, but how are you face-to-face, one-on-one? That's right boys, one of you, Dynamite or Reyna, you decide, one on one against me on IIWF Saturday Night, January 18th! The ball's in your court... take a shot! BB: But you do realize that if they decide you'll face Reyna, then Dynamite and Kauffman will be outside that ring, just waiting to get at you. Not to mention the other men who want you right now... Deathbringer comes to mind. You've got to have eyes in the back of your head. CQ: That's 100% true, Brown. There are a lot of things that can happen out there the minute I turn my back. I'm anything but the most popular guy in the IIWF. Hell, I'm probably the most hated guy in the IIWF, but they only hate you if they respect you! And what goes around, comes around. There's one guy in the IIWF right now... one guy that I can't stand the sight of... but he's the one man I consider tough enough to stand outside the ring and make sure Kauffman or any of the other sniveling idiots don't get in my face. BB: Who? Who are you planning on having in your corner? CQ: OTTO "THE BUTCHER" VERHOEVEN! BB: WHAT?! CQ: Verhoeven, don't take this as anything more than it is. You're big, you're bad, and you're the only man whose actually earned my respect lately. You were screwed out of the World title by Kauffman and Deathbringer... and this can be a chance for you to repay them as well. You keep them off my back for one match. That's all I ask. I ain't asking for a friendship here. I don't think I even WANT a friendship, but what I do want is someone outside the ring who I can trust to do the job right! I can't think of a better man. Are you a big enough man to do this? I guess I'll find out... BB: I can't believe this... CQ: Oh, and before I forget, I've been getting a real laugh lately, watching Marty Warnett, Deathbringer, Casey James, the works of them. First of all Warnett is nothing but a damn teeny bopper idol. What's the deal with this guy? He looks like a little girl, for Christ sakes. Last time I checked, this was wrestling, not the ballet, although with guys, and I use that term loosely, like Warnett around here, I can see how some people can confuse the two. And Deathbringer, you think this whole "I don't fear death, and I don't fear you" thing is a valiant charade? The only charade around here is you pretending to be a "Night of the Living Dead" reject! No matter what kinda fantasy world you're living in, you're flesh and blood just like the rest of us. You get off work, you go home, you probably watch Addams Family reruns for a few hours, then you go to bed. You wake up the next day and do the same thing all over again! Call me a "mere mortal" all you want, but I'm twice the man you'll EVER be! And as far as Casey James goes... first of all, he should thank me for saving him from a loss to Dan Kauffman, of all people. Second of all, the next time you say you're better than me in public? You're in for a RUDE AWAKENING, buddy! A RUDE AWAKENING! If I didn't mention ya, you didn't deserve it. Now get out of my way, Brown. I'm sick of this hospital, sick of this food, and I'm sick of this crap I've got to go through just to get what I want around here. Things are gonna change. I can guarantee you that! [Quigley walks away, leaving Brown looks slightly startled.] BB: The good news for the fans of the IIWF is that Chris Quigley appears to be in perfect health. The bad news for the wrestlers of the IIWF is that Chris Quigley appears to be in perfect health. Back to you guys in the studio. [Cut back to Larry and Becky in the studio.] LM: Wow! Chris Quigley certainly answered some questions right there! BL: Does Quigley really think Otto Verhoeven would watch his back? What's in it for Verhoeven? Why should he care if Kauffman and Friends want to bust up Quigley again? LM: Verhoeven _was_ cheated out of his World title. BL: Yeah, well that's between Otto, Kauffman, and the Subway Psycho. This is another example of Quigley's mouth writing checks his body can't cover. That's a problem _I've_ never had. LM: So I hear. Well, Quigley has challenged a member of The Players' Club to a match a week from tomorrow, so we'll be able to see first-hand just how healthy Quigley really is. BL: C'mon, Reyna or Dynamite. Finish the job! LM: Perhaps we'll have an answer to that challenge tomorrow night. For now, it's time to recap everything that went down Wednesday night in the IIWF Coliseum: ************************************************************************** -------------------- IIWF WEDNESDAY WAR ROOM RECAP ---------------------- ************************************************************************** LM: What a night of action we had. Let's get right to the results. ******************************* MR. DAMAGE def. HARLEQUIN CHAOS ******************************* LM: Damage and Chaos have not gotten along since they teamed in the Lethal Lottery at Snow Brawl, and the Australian athlete won a measure of revenge Wednesday night -- although he used the ropes to get the pin. BL: Hey, whatever works. For Mr. Damage, it's just the start of a great New Year, and he says Harlequin Chaos is just beginning to pay the price: [SCENE: Fade in on a television which shows a series of news reports: "Bad Floods In the USA..." "The Coldest Winter in Forty Years in Europe..." "Sunshine and Fun in Australia..." The TV crackles with static, then Mr. Damage appears on the screen.] MD: Welcome morons to 1997. Good to see everyone's cold and wet while I'm catchin' a few rays in the sunshine. All the more sun for me! So it's 1997 and what's it got in store for me? Well I made a few New Year's Resolutions: 1] Read more books. 2] Eat better 3] Kick Harlequin Chaos' arse until his nose bleeds to pay him back for that incident at Snow Brawl 4] Win the IIWF title. 5] Drink less alcohol 6] Maybe get some psychiatric help 7] Put as many people in the hospital or morgue as possible. Now I have twelve months to do all that. If I can't do it, I'll be disappointed... and I'm not the kind of person to disappoint myself. I heard it's so cold in Europe that Marty Warnett's nob fell off. And Steve Kowalski, the New Jersey Nightgown, took swimming lessons because of all the flooding in the U.S. Now Harlequin Chaos, on that cold night in December you made the biggest mistake of your life. Turning your back on me was the worst thing you could have done. Now you will face me in the ring... one-on-one. And you're going to pay. All I wanted was a shot at my arch enemies, Steve Kowalski and Dan Kauffman, but you took that away from me and for that you are going to pay a big price. You are quickly making enemies in this league and soon enough people will be lining up to kick your arse. Old ladies will want to, little kids will want to, and I definitely am going to. I hear the little incident at the mall in Anchorage involving Santa, an Elf and numerous security guards has led to a warrant for my arrest in Alaska and across the United Snakes of America -- and that I risk being arrested if I return. Well the cops can kiss my arse. I'm insulted that they only want me for assault. It should be at least assault with a deadly weapon, which for those of you who are too stupid to know are... [he flexes his arms] ...the Guns of Navarone. But I would have been happy with attempted murder. I am of the firm belief that murder should be legalized as long as you don't like the victim. Then, murder can be justified. My wife, the fabulous Mrs. Damage, said she was starting to get worried because of my psychopathic tendencies. So I made a promise that in future I will only be psychopathic in the ring. And just a reminder to Steve "the Fury" Kowalski -- you have never beaten me. How can you call yourself a champion when you've lost twice to me? [The screen goes blank. Cut back to Larry and Becky in the studio.] **************************** NIGHTWING def. JUMPIN' JACK **************************** LM: The young Native American Nightwing debuted in a big way, showing off his high-flying abilities. He ended the match with his impressive "Totem Drop," putting away Jumpin' Jack. BL: What's with that bird of his? Aren't there health department regulations against having animals in public places? LM: That's an American bald eagle, the great symbol of the United States. I understand the eagle has great significance to the Native Americans. BL: Kinda like polyester does to Tim Dross? Hehehe... snort. LM: Sigh. Let's hear from Nightwing: [SCENE: The darkened IIWF Coliseum. An eagle's cry echoes throughout the cavernous building and a soft light flashes in the seats at ringside. As the camera zooms in from behind, it show a solitary figure with shoulder- length black hair sitting there. The camera circles around to show Nightwing... seemingly just staring at the ring. The eagle Chiquoit suddenly lands on the back of the seat beside him.] NW: The vision which led me to the IIWF has begun to unfold. This Jumpin' Jack now knows why the Great Spirits summoned me to the mountaintop and why I have come to this federation. Tonight, my people watched a warrior fight for them. The spirit of my ancestors was alive in the ring and I fed on their strength. Joe Petrow, I do not know what you were doing in the aisle, but do not confuse curiosity with stupidity. Should you have words for Nightwing, say them to my face. There is another in the IIWF with a background which he cannot deny -- a part of his history has been taken. Soon enough, it shall be determined whether he is pure of heart and spirit. Then and only then will he earn the trust of Nightwing and Chiquoit. When the night falls and the eagle cries, we will be there. [Nightwing continues to stare at the ring as the shot fades. Cut back to Larry and Becky in the studio.] LM: Did you follow any of that, Becky? BL: I have enough trouble understanding _you_, Larry. ********************************************************** OTTO "THE BUTCHER" VERHOEVEN def. SCOTT "THE WHINE" BLOOM ********************************************************** LM: This match seemed to be little more than a tune-up for Otto Verhoeven as he prepares for the Triangle Match tomorrow night against The Sandman and Harlequin Tragedy. BL: And Verhoeven proved that he could take on _both_ Sandman and Harlequin Tragedy if necessary tomorrow night. LM: It could very well come down to that... if Sandman and Harlequin Tragedy are smart. But I have my doubts that The Sandman can work with a partner any more. I think that match may come down to every man for himself. BL: One thing is for sure -- Verhoeven is ready for any scenario: [The scene: Otto Verhoeven's high-tech gym. The Butcher is working out on an exercise bike. Heidi is standing beside him. Dr. Hinterhalt can be seen in the back, watching several television monitors. He is pausing some, fast-forwarding others, all the while taking notes.] OV: [breathing hard] I tell you [huff], the good doctor loves to torture me. How long do I [huff] have to endure this? NH: You still have 12 miles to go, liebster. Don't vorry, Dr. Hinterhalt says that you vill need more endurance for that triangle match. After all, these feiglinge, I mean, cowards, could try to take you down together. OV: [with a grim smile] Let them try... just let them try. You can trust [huff]... trust me, I will prove once and for all that I CAN defeat Harlequin Tragedy and that The Sandman poses NO threat to me [huff], or to you, liebste. NH: Ja, I agree. You vill destroy them. You are the German juggernaut, the Teutonic terror, the Butcher, the unstoppable and most dangerous force in the IIWF. OV: Those two fools will not leave the slaughterhouse. [Dr. Hinterhalt walks towards them, checks the instruments on the exercise bike, then nods and writes another note down on his clipboard.] DH: I have to agree, Herr Verhoeven. After analyzing your opponents, their physical conditions, their recent degrees of performance and so on. The result of my research is that the chances that you will be able to decide the triangle match in your favor are tremendous. The Sandman was disappointing in the last four weeks. OV: I know that already, doctor. DH: [ignoring Verhoeven] He was on the receiving end of several humiliating beatings, and ended up unconscious on the floor. He should be in no condition to be an important factor. The man calling himself Harlequin Tragedy could be more of a problem, but if we consider the cage match on last Saturday, that you clearly dominated until the Sandman interfered... NH: That dirty bastard! DH: ...whatever, you should be able to deal with him, too. OV: I could have [huff] told you that without research. NH: Vat about that Chaos guy? That maniac could try to save his brother from certain humiliation and interfere. OV: You need a madman to take care of a madman. I am sure your pet project will be there? DH: Should the need arise, Cheshire will take any necessary action to ensure your safety. OV: Fine. Come Saturday night, Tragedy and Sandman will only be helpless victims. NH: You can bet on that. [Fade. Cut back to Larry and Becky in the studio.] *************************** HIGHWAYMAN def. TIGER CLAW *************************** LM: "Lone Wolf" Brody Thunder vowed to get Tiger Claw before the end of the night. BL: Yeah, but no one expected him to do it in [she stifles a laugh]... a crocodile costume. LM: Nevertheless, Thunder did use the costume to ambush Claw and help lead to his defeat. The Highwayman finished off Claw with his devastating neckbreaker, the "Daylight Robbery," and Brian Lau and Tiger Claw were incensed. BL: Is that what I smelled? *********************** THE SANDMAN def. CREED *********************** LM: We failed to have a pinfall in this match, and thus a conclusive end to the feud between The Sandman and Creed. BL: Well, the feud between The Sandman and Otto Verhoeven won't end until tomorrow night, when Otto rips Sandy limb from limb in the triangle match. LM: It was indeed Otto Verhoeven who intervened in Wednesday's match and forced Creed's disqualification. Creed has shown a world of talent in the ring, but seems to always fall victim to outside interference. BL: Maybe Jack Montgomery should buy Creed someone to watch his back. LM: I think Creed is more than able to watch his own back. In fact, he's planning to bring a little justice into the IIWF tomorrow night. Take a look: [SCENE: Midtown Manhattan. IIWF cameras pan the darkened windows of the high rise complexes in the heart of the financial district, finally focusing on the window in which the light still burns -- once again, the office of The CEO Jack Montgomery. The CEO is speaking in Japanese as a conference call concludes. As he finishes, the camera picks up the words engraved on a plaque hanging on the back wall, "Greed is good -- greed works."] CEO: Well, I hope you're all enjoying yourselves. I hope each and every one of the superstars of the IIWF is right now resting contentedly in his bed, secure in the knowledge that he is a matter of hours from shocking the world with an innovative and daring brand of interference this Saturday night. I personally can't wait. Maybe Brody Thunder will show up dressed as Babar the Elephant. Maybe Randy Acorn will don a Liza Minelli wig and treat us all to the closing number from Cabaret. Maybe Cheshire will attack every cruiserweight champion in every wrestling organization in the world and proclaim himself the Monkey Boy Superstar Syndicate Champion. Or -- maybe not. You see, Wednesday night, my man Creed spent 24 solid minutes of his life beating the hell out of Sandman, which isn't a particularly noteworthy occurrence as Creed has been beating the hell out of Sandman on a regular basis since Snow Brawl; however, even though every one in the IIWF Coliseum knew better -- it was the limp arm of Sandman that was raised in victory. Why? Because some other ex-champ decided to settle a score at Creed's expense. Ever since the day Creed entered the IIWF, getting cheated out of his first victory by a cheap shot from Chris "Hey, cut that out, that's my head" Quigley, Creed has done nothing but beat guys like they owed his mother money. Verhoeven. Kowalski. Patriot. You all know in your souls that you couldn't match up with the most lethal left hand in all of wrestling. The last thing any of you want to see in a darkened arena is the flash of a red glove. Sure, the bottom line is the win. And Creed will get them. Again and again and again. But this Saturday is about something else. It's about force. It's about control. It's about Creed. We have formally requested to be included in Saturday's triangle match. We don't expect to be. Regardless, Creed will be at ringside Saturday night. All night. For one night only, there's a new sheriff in town. You want to interrupt a match? You go through Creed. Any of you. Kauffman. Annis. James. Gecko. For one night, if you want to make your statement to the world, do it between matches or in the parking lot, because I'm telling you flat out, if ANY man in the IIWF tries to interrupt ANY match Saturday night, he's gonna find out what "Goodnight, Farewell and Amen" really means. [Fade. Cut back to Larry and Becky in the studio.] ****************************************** CASEY JAMES def. "SUPERSTAR" STUD STETSON ****************************************** LM: The self-proclaimed IIWF World Champion met the self-proclaimed "Superstar Champion" with a surprising ending. It wasn't so surprising that Casey James scored the win, but some masked wrestler came to ringside and stole the "Superstar" belt. BL: How low can you get? _Stealing_ a title belt! That masked guy ought to be ashamed. LM: Just like Casey James? BL: Casey _won_ the belt. Jeez, Larry, don't you watch our shows? LM: Yes I do and... what...? [Morton looks off camera and nods.] I'm being told that we've just received some footage pertinent to this match. Do we have it ready? Okay, let's go to that footage. [SCENE: A spotlight appears on the "Superstar" belt. A voiceover whispers softly.] VO: The farced title running 'fore the king, The throne he sits on, nor the tide of pomp that beats upon the high shore of this world... [Billy Shakespeare steps into the light.] BS: Now this belt hath come to its rightful home. Stetson, I have weathered challenges from self-proclaimed "Showstoppers" and "Superstars" before. But what's in a name? A "Superstar" by any other name would be Billy Shakespeare. I do not need this cheap bauble, for I have always been "Born to Perform." If all it took was was a belt, every wrestler would so crown themselves, and the IIWF would have more meaningless belts then a certain federation in Atlanta. Now I see the "lean and hungry" looks which are coming my way again. Tiger Claw, Randy Acorn, Billy Sexton, you all wanted a piece of me when I held other belts... how about now? I'll be home waiting, waiting for your knock. But should you choose to come by way of the back door... just remember who the doorman is. [A second spotlight clicks on the cigar chomping figure of Brody Thunder, his arms folded across his "EVIL, MEAN & NASTY" t-shirt. Billy continues:] To warp the words of Antony and Cleopatra a little, "I have not kept to the square(d circle) but that to come shall all be done by the rule." [Fade. Cut back to Larry and Becky in the studio.] BL: I knew it! I knew that little Shakespeare creep was jealous of that belt all along. And even worse, it shows he has hideous taste. LM: Stetson will have a chance to win his belt back tomorrow night when he meets Billy Shakespeare. That certainly adds some excitement to that matchup. BL: [yawning] Uh-huh. ********************************** THE ZODIAC CONNECTION def. G.W.R. ********************************** LM: The Zodiac Connection had been unhappy with the performance of late and had been seeking an answer. It may have come in the form of two beautiful young blonde... BL: [indignantly] BLEACHED! LM: ...women -- apparently twins -- by the name of Gemini. They certainly seemed to be steering the Zodiacs in the right direction tonight. BL: Why did those blondes stare at a bottle of shampoo for hours? Because it said "concentrate" on the label. Bwahaha! LM: That's not funny. Gemini couldn't help the Zodiacs outside the ring, however, and Taurus was hit by a steel chair as G.W.R. was disqualified. BL: So if the Zodiacs took a chair shot every week, they'd climb in the rankings? LM: I don't think that's the way they wanted to win this match, but they're planning to build on their success in 1997 with the help of Gemini: [SCENE: The locker room following The Zodiac Connection's victory over G.W.R. Wednesday night.] SC: Taurus, we have successfully begun 1997. TA: Yes we have my brother! Together with the force of Gemini behind us, 1997 could be a very successful year for the Zodiac Connection. G.W.R was just the first team to be forced to face the consequences of our desire to be successful here in the IIWF. SC: We must look at each match one at a time my brother! The battle royal at Snow Brawl should be a match that we look to as a sign of the end of the old-style Zodiac Connection. Gemini has revealed itself unto us and we should learn much from the teachings of Gemini. Just as in our charity work, we believe that it is quite important for us to help one person at a time. It is very important for us to remember that we are not going to position ourselves as contenders for the IIWF title if we cannot win any of the matches that we must compete in before we climb the ladder. How could we expect to compete against teams such as Armed Forces or the Arabian Knights if we were to end up struggling against perhaps, the Rotundos? TA: If we do not prepare properly, then we are destined to fail! We are presently near the bottom of the tag team rankings because we had lost focus! In the battle royal we were too busy worrying about Pain, Inc. that we did not prepare ourselves properly to compete within the framework of the match. That is exactly why we were destined to fail miserably. SC: And as far as we are concerned, that's exactly what happened to us during the battle royal! I guess it could definitely be said that Snow Brawl was the wakeup call for the Zodiac Connection. Actually, it could be said that our wakeup call came after we watched the replay of the battle royal and saw how disappointing we looked. We knew that we had definitely hit rock bottom. We needed guidance that would show us the way to properly compete here in the IIWF. On Christmas night, a vision appeared to the Zodiac Connection in the form of something that I am not sure any of you could understand. The vision revealed to us that at the stroke of midnight of the first day of the New Year, we would be the recipients of a message that would be the key towards improving the future of the Zodiac Connection. When the time came we ventured up to the highest mountain in the state of California, just as the vision commanded us, and at the stroke of midnight, just as the New Year was revealed unto us, so too was our message. Our message has come to us in the form of Gemini. We know now that we shall prepare ourselves to win the IIWF Tag Team Championship, but instead of forcing ourselves to travel from point A to point Z at a high speed, we know now that it is necessary for us to travel through every single point. If we were to skip a point along a way then we would not have built the solid foundation required in order to be competitive in the quest for the IIWF Tag Titles. Have we reached point B as of yet? As I am sure my brother will agree, there is no way for us to be sure until we have competed in our next match! G.W.R., no matter what anyone else in the IIWF may say about you, we recognize that you could be in the position of wearing the IIWF Tag Titles! We would definitely not be satisfied with our performance against you until we are able to defeat you via pinfall or submission. When the right opportunity comes, we shall face you once again in battle, and with the help of the forces of Gemini as well as the fans of the Zodiac, we believe that we shall be successful! TA: Gemini expects nothing less from us! SC: Oh, I almost forgot to explain to the people one more thing which all of our opponents should pay attention to! Gemini would not be here in the IIWF if it was not prepared to defend itself against any threats. Whether you are a wrestler, a manager, or even an announcer -- and I say that to Becky LaRue specifically -- heed this warning. Failing to acknowledge the power of the forces of Gemini could lead to your downfall! [Fade. Cut back to Larry and Becky in the studio.] BL: Oh yeah, I'm quakin' in my boots! LM: As for G.W.R., their recent troubles with The Armed Forces already had them on edge. This loss to the Zodiacs did nothing to alleviate those tensions, as our Bulldog Brown learned Wednesday night: [A locker room in the IIWF Coliseum. Bulldog Brown walks into the shot directly in front of a closed door.] BB: I'm here backstage trying to get a word with G.W.R. [he knocks on the door. There is a muffled commotion and General Kane walks out.] KANE: Can I help you? BB: I'm trying to get a word with Spoiler. KANE: He is [pauses] currently unavailable. BB: Unavailable? KANE: Recent events, both here and elsewhere, have rendered him temperamental. Given your family viewing remit, you would probably be unable to use any interview with him. I will answer any questions you may have. BB: Uhm, okay. What about your feud with The Armed Forces? KANE: Yes. The match last Saturday failed to settled the score, didn't it? We need to sort this out, one way or the other. So, once again, I will make a proposal. A "bragging rights" match. No countout, no DQ. There must be a winner. BB: Do you think that they will accept that? KANE: I hope so. It is not in either of our interests to continue that rivalry. BB: Don't you think that this plays into Aaron's hands? After all, his team has a tendency to. . . KANE: If I did think like that, I would not have suggested it. BB: Okay. Ummm, your new year hasn't got off to a particularly good start, as you lost to the Zodiacs on Wednesday. KANE: Indeed. We got careless. It will not happen again. BB: So where now? KANE: The future is well planed. BB: Care to elabor. . . KANE: No. BB: One last question. Your bodyguard? [Kane nods] Why the mask? [Kane just laughs and walks back into the room. Fade. Cut back to Larry and Becky in the studio.] ********************************************************************** SIX-MAN TAG MATCH: THE PLAYERS' CLUB def. NED NORTON, EL SUPER GECKO, & MAURICE McARTHUR ********************************************************************** LM: The Syndicate and The Players' Club were all in the building Wednesday night, but fortunately we only had a war of words. And Kauffman, Reyna, and Dynamite lived up to their words by crushing the trio of Norton, Gecko, and McArthur. BL: There's a world of difference between Norton, Gecko, and McArthur and guys like Casey James, Tiger Claw, and The Dark Disciples. As much as I enjoyed seeing The Players' Club work over Quigley, he's just one man. I think Kauffman, Reyna and Dynamite will find it a bit more difficult to do that to the Syndicate. Besides, they don't have anyone to rival the intelligence of Brian Lau. Hell, they don't have anyone to rival the intelligence of Wulf. Hehe. LM: We'll see about that. ************************************************************************** --------------------------- IIWF TRASH TALK ---------------------------- ************************************************************************** LM: We heard Wednesday night a few comments from one "Badboy" Randy Acorn directed at none other than the odd German clown Cheshire. You'll recall that Cheshire interfered in Acorn's match with Takezo Musashi last week, upsetting the "Badboy." Acorn will have his chance for revenge tomorrow night when he meets Cheshire, with the winner earning a shot at IIWF Cruiserweight Champion Takezo Musashi. We sent Steve Roberts to interview Acorn and get the scoop: [Randy Acorn is seen sitting on a nice couch in his New Jersey home. He is puffing on a Cuban cigar and reading a magazine. He looks up and notices the camera, then crushes the cigar in an ashtray, puts down the magazine, and stands as if to greet guests.] RA: Ah, I've been expecting you, my many fans, to embark on a tour of my glorious house and get a taste of how a true "Badboy" lives. But it seems that my number one guest has yet to arrive. When he does, oh the words you will hear. I tell you, cover your ears, for it will not be pretty. On today's "Badboy" segment, we will discuss Cheshire, the clown of all clowns. Is the makeup the thing that causes him to be so pitifully stupid or is he just naturally that way? [There is a knock at the door. Acorn walks over and opens it. Standing there is "Soundbite" Steve Roberts] RA: Well, are you going to come in or stand out there and make a fool out of yourself?? SR: [warily] Oh, sorry, it's just that... RA: Just what? Do you fear the Badboy? You never know what I'm going to do next and that's why you fear me. Well, don't fear me, because you're one of the few broadcasters in this world that I can stand. SR: I'm glad to hear that, I've always had a liking for you as well. RA: HEY! I never said I liked you. I said I could stand you. Now if you ask the right questions and manage not to get on my nerves, I'll give you a little present when you leave. And you'll be lucky if it's not my foot kicking your ass out my door. SR: Okay, what would you like me to ask you? [Randy shakes his head and looks at Steve Roberts] RA: Are you that stupid? You're the the interviewer. I'm the interviewee. You ask the questions. I answer them. It's that simple. I'm not supposed to tell you what questions to ask me. You're supposed to know. SR: Oh yeah, right. Well, let me get right to the point then. Everyone in the IIWF, including me, would like to know what's up with you and Cheshire. RA: What's up with me and the clown from Germany's finest circus? Nothing really, except the fact that he screwed around with my record and for that he must pay with his title shot. You see, I had that [BLEEP] [BLEEP]ing foreigner beat and then Cheshire had to come out throwing his [BLEEP]ing balls around and get me disqualified. If he had just left the match alone, then he would still have his title shot against Mitsubishi and he wouldn't have to worry about me taking it away from him. I guess that's what you expect from the [BLEEP]ing Germans. They lost the war and ever since they've been trying to get revenge on Americans in their own little ways. Foolish. SR: So, why didn't you just wait until Cheshire and Mitsubishi... I mean Musashi... had already wrestled and then just taken on the winner of that match? RA: Why? Because I feel like I have to prove myself. I mean, I know I'm good, damn good, but the rest of this [BLEEP]ing world doesn't seem to notice and that's why. If I beat Cheshire, which I will, then no one can say that I don't deserve a shot at Mitsubishi. And once I get into the ring with Mitsubishi again, I will finish what I began with him last time. SR: I know that you can beat Musashi, I just don't know about Cheshire. I mean, he's got...... RA: Are you trying to get on my bad side or something? I know that I can beat both of them. In fact, there was a quote that I heard the other day that explains my view on the situation: "If men cease to believe that they will one day become gods then they will surely become worms." Well, I am a god and that truth will be proven soon enough with victories over both of them. And you know what that means? That means that I will be the first two-time Cruiserweight Champion in the IIWF. That will prove to everyone that I am the best, whether they like me or not. SR: Well, not many people seem to like you. Does it ever bother you that the fans hate you so much? RA: [snickering] The fans are nothing but ants who come to see the big guys do their thing. The fans have no right to judge a wrestler's talent because they can't get into the ring and do it themselves. Let me tell you something. For every amount that a fan hates me, I hate that fan twice as much. I don't need followers because in the end those same followers who helped you are the ones who will destroy you. I have come to learn in wrestling that only the strong survive and I plan on being the strongest of the strong, not physically but mentally. SR: We all know that you're a master of disguises, but my question is, do you plan on using one of those disguises to fool Cheshire? RA: Not at all. I mean, that would be a foolish man's trick. Why would I try to trick a man with a disguise when that same man has been disguised his entire life? He would see right through my ploy and frankly, I have no time to fool around with a disguise if I want to earn that shot at the champ. SR: You seem to have your mind set on Musashi. Why do you hate him so much? Has he ever done anything wrong to you? RA: Has he ever done anything wrong to me? Hell, yes, he's done something wrong to me. He's wearing my belt, the belt that should be around my waist right now. Now Cheshire wants to wear my belt but I cannot let him do that, I can't even let him get the chance. So far two people have held the Cruiserweight Title since me and that is two too many. That belt will soon be right back around my waist, and if I can't get it soon... then... I'll... well, we'll discuss that when the time comes, but for now my focus is on Cheshire. SR: Well, I don't really have any more questions to ask you, so are there any last comments you'd like to make before I go? RA: Yes there are. Cheshire, you haven't been around for that long so I accept your mistake of involving yourself in my world as just that -- a mistake. But that mistake may very well be the one that leads you down a path of horror... one that you would never experience had it not been at the wrong time when you interfered in my match. And as for Musashi, you can sit back and watch and see who the winner will be because either way, come next week, you'll be losing that title to one of us. Like I said, my end of the bargain still stands. If I lose, then I will accompany Mr. Cheshire to the ring and help him... er, I mean root for him to win. But if I win, which should very well be the case, then I get the shot that I deserve. Now Roberts, you have not gotten on my nerves so I have a little present for you. [Randy gets up and whispers something in Roberts ear as Robert's eyes widen. Randy walks over to a cabinet and pulls out a photo of someone. As he walks past the camera, the face of Becky LaRue is seen on the photo and the rest of the shot is seen is blurred by the censors. Randy presents it to Roberts, who looks at it in amazement.] RA: Do you like it? SR: Hell yeah I do and now... well Becky, I'm impressed. RA: As was I. Now if you'll excuse me, I've some business to attend to. [Randy walks Roberts to the door and shakes his hand, then closes the door. Fade. Cut back to Larry and Becky in the studio.] LM: Becky! BL: Hey, what's the big deal? For $49.95, every member of my adult fan club gets an 8x10 glossy. For an extra fifty bucks, I'll throw in a pair of used panties. LM: Becky!! BL: What? I never have to do laundry that way. LM: You just never fail to amaze me. BL: Pay the money and we'll find out if that's true. LM: Moving on, Acorn's words are not falling on deaf ears. Cheshire seems to be ready for anything Acorn has to offer in the ring. IIWF Intern Steve Summer, who narrowly escaped serious injury last time he interviewed Cheshire, got the bizarre clown's comments: [SCENE: Doctor Hinterhalt's high-tech gym. Apparently some new equipment has been installed -- like parallel bars and asymmetric bars. Cheshire, wearing his colorful ring attire and holding a microphone, stands beside IIWF Intern Steve Summer, who stares vacantly into the camera.] C: Hehehehello everybody to "Who Do You Think You Are?" Tonight with me is a very special guest. May I introduce to you: Mrs Acorn! Applause! [He claps his hands and loud applause sounds from everywhere. Steve's eyes become normal and he shyly nods to the invisible audience.] C: Mrs. Acorn... SS: [speaking with an altered voice] Good evening Mr Cheshire. C: Yes, good evening to you, too, Mrs. Acorn. Now, I've invited you here to ask you some questions about your son. Well, you have to be very proud of him, aren't you? SS: [with a sad expression] Well, Mr. Cheshire, to be honest I am not. C: Nooo? How come? SS: You know, Mr. Cheshire, when Randy was young, he was such a wonderful and nice little boy. He was polite and helpful. But... C: But he had a handicap. Right, Mrs Acorn? SS: One day, when the other kids from school had beaten him up again, he realized, that he wasn't as... smart as his classmates. But he was larger than them as he was three years older. So he decided to... defend himself against their mocking. From that time on, it was him who sent the others home crying. I... was shocked. He began to use... words that I've always forbidden him to use. C: So you mean, your son was mentally retarded? SS: He still is. But he tries to hide it behind his vulgarity and cold behaviour. I know, deep in his heart, he still is a nice person. He just needs someone to love him and... C: Stop it. It makes me sick. Everyone knows that Randy... SS: [suddenly raging] CHESHIRE! YOU LOUSY SON OF A [BLEEP]! I WILL [BLEEP] [BLEEP] YOU! [BLEEP] [BLEEP] [BLEEP] [BLEEP] [BLEEEEEEP]! [He flies at Cheshire and starts strangling him.] C: Oh ha, no wait! Lassie! Down! [Steve drops down on all fours, panting.] C: Damn side-effects. Hehehe. Where was I... Oh, yes. Everyone knows that R... R.A. is a complete idiot. The offer he made me, shows that quite clearly. Rrr... Randy, you promised me to escort me to the ring at my match against Takezo, huh? SS: [he makes slit eyes and starts babbling] Seikoo kawasaki sushi akebono konishiki yakuza... C: But I'll tell you something, hehehe, you won't be able to come to the ring to watch my back, because tomorrow I'll _break your back_! Oooh, I know what you think right now. Who does that bleeping bleep think he is to bleep bleep bleep with the best bleep wrestler in the bleeping world to-bleeping-day? Well, that's exactly what I thought when I saw your last comment. I am really, really, really, really awwwfully sorry for screwing up your immmpressive show. I know, I'm a bleeping bleep as you'd say. But you should have come to terms with it and not interfere in my... awww I hate this word business, so let's just call it... my game, hehehe. But you aren't a participant... just another spot... SS: Miiaaaoooww... C: ...of work on my way to the Cruiserweight Championship. You don't play the game, Randy, and if you would, at this point you'd have already lost it. And if you'll somehow manage to get out of hospital and crawl to the ring when I stomp Takkie into the mat, hehe, I'm sure my new friend Otto... SS: Guten tag eine fahrkarte bitte rosa eisenbahnwagen und badelatschen... C: ...will surely be glad to take care of you. Hmmm. I'd hate to be in your shoes right now, Randy, not to mention tomorrow. [He looks down at Steve, who is still kneeling before him and babbling every German word he ever heard of.] C: Stand up Stevie, the show is over. SS: [standing up] ... mein knie juckt mehr kaese... [Cheshire snaps with his fingers and Steve's voice returns to normal.] SS: ...impossible to hypnotise me. So let's just get this over with and... what the...?! C: [grins and takes Steve by his arm] Ah, ah, ah, watch your words, Stevie. We've bleeped enough for today. SS: But... but... [Fade. Cut back to Larry and Becky in the studio.] LM: Great, now we'll _never_ get Steve Summer to interview Cheshire again. BL: You think he could teach me that hypnosis thingie? [she opens her eyes wide and stares into the camera] Brad Kinder... you're getting sleepy... you will call Becky now! LM: Stop that! Takezo Musashi will be watching tomorrow's match very carefully to see which wrestler he will face. I caught up with the "Enigma" after Cheshire intervened in last Saturday's match: [SCENE: Interview taped backstage last Saturday night. Takezo Musashi is breathing heavily and his face paint is smudged after his match with Randy Acorn. He clutches his head where Cheshire's billiard ball struck him.] LM: Takezo, congratulations on your victory over the ever dangerous Badboy. TM: Thanks Larry, but for me the night was nothing but a disappointment. A DQ win is not a clear cut victory in my book. I felt in control of the match the whole way, but it is meaningless if you don't get the pin at the end. I would have hit Acorn with the Starsault Press if it were not for the machinations of that clearly deranged individual. LM: I take it you are referring to Cheshire? TM: That is correct. We have a wrestler who has come here, done nothing, beaten nobody yet in the IIWF, and he thinks he is worthy of a shot at the Cruiserweight title? Well Cheshire, your ambition is clouding your judgement, and you may find you will crash and burn before your career has even begun. When I first came here, I paid my dues. I worked my way up the ladder of contention and gained valuable experience. I didn't even think about challenging for a title until I was absolutely sure I was ready. LM: So you don't think this Cheshire has what it takes then? TM: Well, as I have said before, I never underestimate any opponent, because if you do, that title is going to be taken right out from under your nose. Cheshire, I will admit he has potential, he has some good moves, he could go a long way if he works hard, but right now he just isn't in the top bracket. For one thing, he had to interfere in one of my matches, he had to hit me upside the head with a billiard ball to ask for a title shot. To me, that represents a certain insecurity, a lack of faith in his own abilities. LM: Some say that the likes of Cheshire win their matches before the bell has even sounded. They say he is a master of ring psychology who messes with his opponents' minds so much before the match that they become completely befuddled in the ring. TM: Well, Cheshire is making a big mistake if he thinks his mind games will work on me. I have lived my life in rigorous discipline, through meditation I have trained my mind to be focused and calm at all times, it is a still lake that cannot be rippled. To me, anything that goes on outside the ring is just playing around, and it distracts the player from what is really important -- the business down _in_ the ring. In that area, Cheshire has a lot to learn before he can beat me. LM: What about... TM: [interrupting] Sorry Larry, that is all I have time for right now. I have important training to catch up on. LM: Now that's dedication for you. [Fade. Cut back to Larry and Becky in the studio.] LM: I've got to believe that Takezo Musashi will be ready for... what the...? "Sychosys" Joe Petrow?! ["Sychosys" Joe Petrow wanders onto the studio set. He is dressed in torn blue jeans, a big brown down jacket, and a black wool hat. He is carrying a worn backpack over his shoulder.] LM: What the hell are you... JOE: Hey, this isn't the Carapachi Soup Kitchen. Hey! I know you! [points to Becky] Remember? Three years ago, at Club Squish? What a night that was! Hey, Space Mountain's closed for repairs right now, but you're welcome on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride anytime! BL: [looking at Petrow in disgust] From the looks of you, pal, that's an insult to the toad. JOE: Heh, you haven't changed a bit! But you'll be lining up with the rest of them to do me once I become World Champion again. Anyway, as long as I'm here, I might as well plug my big "match" this Saturday night. Bobby B. Goode, you're so pathetic, you don't warrant my bothering to come up with an original thought to talk about you! But I gotta say something, so here goes: Bobby boy, on IIWF Saturday Night when you walk...that aisle... [lets out a "Whooo!"], you'd best be ready to funky like a monkey, if ya know what I mean! 'Cuz whether you like it, or you hate to love to hate it, whatcha gonna do when the largest ego in wrestling runs wild on you!? And Bobby B. Goode... may God have mercy on your soul... because I WON'T! [Security guards come to escort Petrow out of the studio] JOE: Hey, that's my cue! It's been real, guys. Becker, the pecker salutes you! I'm outta here! [Petrow is "gently" led out of the studio as Larry and Becky look at each other.] LM: I thought we had that security problem taken care of. BL: I hear you have a lot of problems to take care of, Larry. Hey, I wonder if Petrow paid his $49.95 for my adult fan club membership? LM: I'm not even interested. I _am_ interested in hearing rookie Ronnie Paris respond to Mad Dog Watkins' challenge to an sixty-minute Iron Man match. Watkins is convinced that Paris got lucky in their first meeting and thinks an Iron Man match is the only way to prove who is the better man. BL: I can usually choose the better man after sixty minutes. [SCENE: Open on a wide shot of a wrestling mat. Slowly, the camera zooms out to reveal a series of mats, and finally the gym where in which Ronnie Paris was training last week. This part of the gym is empty at the moment, but there is light creeping out from under the large double doors that lead to the rest of the building. The cameraman walks towards the doors, and opens them, revealing a long hallway. Without hesitation, he turns left and appears at a large, blue door with a sign that reads "Do Not Disturb." The cameraman knocks, and Ronnie Paris' distinctive Texan voice can be heard to say "come on in." The door opens, and the cameraman does enter, to show Ronnie Paris in a chair in a dimly lit room. There is a lot of video equipment around, but the shot stays focused on Paris.] RP: Well, welcome back to my gym, IIWF fans. Like I told Steve Summer last week, send me a camera and I'll do some talking, and that's what I'm here for. First things first. Mad Dog Watkins has devised a devious little match for me... 60 minutes, with only falls in the last 30 counting. An Iron Man match. Well, Watkins, if that's the way you want it, fine, but I have a few extra stipulations to add. This match, like I said before, is gonna go down my way. That means no DQ and no countouts, so that every fall is a _real_ fall. [Paris looks at the camera, and nods his head approvingly. Suddenly, his head jerks up a bit, and he speaks.] I almost forgot the most important part. The reason we're in this boat is because of draws. In this match, there will be NO draws. If we're tied after 60 minutes, we keep on going. We go sudden death, and we keep wrestling until one of us can't wrestle anymore. Will it be me who quits? A few months ago I would have had to admit that yes, it would have been. But now, I have so many things to prove and I have the respect of the fans to earn. And I have a few videotapes that are helping my strategy. I'm afraid I can't tell you yet who those tapes are of, of course, but suffice to say I'd do well to emulate his style. I'll see you in the ring, Watkins. You may end up beating me, but I won't lose because if I've gone 60 minutes, and given it my all, I'm already a winner. [Paris turns around in his chair to look at a monitor which is presumably playing the videotapes he's talking about. The shot moves towards the monitor, but at the last moment Paris notices what the cameraman is trying to do, and he puts his hand in front of the camera.] Nice try, and I don't blame you for it, but I have a few secrets to protect. You know the way out, I presume? [Fade. Cut back to Larry and Becky in the studio.] LM: Ronnie Paris apparently has a secret in store for the veteran Watkins. Anyway, I'm told this match could be held as soon as Wednesday, so get ready for one heck of a battle. And anyone who faces the "Party Man" Marty Warnett had better be ready for a battle, too, especially since Warnett is not in a good mood these days. Our Tim Dross caught up with Warnett in Los Angeles: [SCENE: A run-down gym in the heart of Los Angeles. Marty Warnett is lifting weights in an overly-aggressive manner.] TD: Marty, can I have a quick word? MW: HEY, never interrupt like that when someone's lifting weights. Have you no sense? TD: I'm sorry ... MW: Yeah, tell me that when I'm in hospital. I suppose you want a comment, huh? TD: Yes, the events of last Saturday must have gotten to you. MW: Now why would they, huh? I mean, I work my butt off to get a title shot, then Sexton pokes his ugly little snout in MY business, and it's bye, bye title, because, Dross, you know it, I know it, Kowalski knows it and the whole damn world knows it, that title was heading around my waist. TD: And I believe that you're unimpressed by the front office's reaction. MW: Damn right. Who books this fed, Sexton? The least the IIWF admin staff should've offered me is an immediate re-match. Instead what do I hear? [mimics old man] Marty, you had your shot... Shakespeare was the champ, he deserves a re-match, Sexton was cheated out of a shot by Kowalski's tricks, so they're both ahead of you. TD: So what's happening? MW: Simple. I've been unofficially told there's going to be a triangle bout between Kowalski, Sexton and Shakespeare for the title later in the month. Not only am I not included in that, but I've gone down from number one contender to number three contender. Nice life, huh? TD: But surely you... MW: [interrupting] What? Go to court? Lennox Lewis did that, look where it got him. I've just got to put up with it, right? Wrong, I'm going to study this situation carefully and decide what's for the best. Now, Dross, go away, I'm trying to train. [Fade. Cut back to Larry and Becky in the studio.] LM: Marty seemed to have a bit of an attitude problem there. BL: Can't we all just... get along. Hehehehe... snort. LM: One man who has interest in getting along with anyone is Serge Annis. The Fightin' Firebug will hook up with The Hangman... or Hangmen... or some combination thereof tomorrow night: [SCENE: Serge Annis stands in the IIWF interview area.] SA: On Saturday night, I will face a Hangman. It doesn't matter which one... it doesn't matter at all. On Saturday, one of the Hangmen will feel the wrath of Annis... much like Dan Kauffman will... and same with Deathbringer... hehehe. Dead man, you seem to think I fear you. It seems that you have not been reading your Future book closely enough because as I have already proven... and will prove again... I do not fear you. And for you Deathbringer, Kauffman, Quigley, Hangmen... I shall stand up to you all. Perhaps my shoulders may sometime be pinned one, two three, but at least I stand up for myself...hehehe. And I show no fear of any man. Why? BECAUSE I AM THE ONLY MAN WHO CAN DELIVER A TRUE FEAR THAT RIPS THROUGH YOUR HEART! I assure you, I'd be afraid... if I had a heart. Hehehehe... [Fade. Cut back to Larry and Becky in the studio.] BL: I really like that guy. LM: You would. You probably also like the IIWF World Tag Team Champions, The Dark Disciples. BL: Yeah, especially Wulf. All that fur... oooooh. LM: Well, I think you stand alone. Those two are just too... demonic for my taste: [SCENE: A dimly lit, damp, flagstone cellar. Various torture implements are scattered around the room] KANE: Welcome once again, humble visitors, to the lair of the Dark Disciples. Be careful where you tread, there are many dangerous things lying around and we wouldn't want you to hurt yourselves now would we?... [Wulf gives a demented cackle] KANE: Well, well, it appears, to the dismay of all, that the Dark Disciples are the new tag team champions of the world. I can see that the wrestlers of the IIWF are treading a little more warily these days. They are wrestling with a little more hesitation, and fear is nibbling away at their hearts. They have realized the fact that they do not want to face, that we _are_ the champions, and to get a taste of the gold, they must step into the ring with us. A daunting prospect for them is it not Wulf? WULF: The High Plains Drifters were the first example of our cause. They thought that they were the meanest, the toughest and most devious of all. We brushed them aside with ease and showed the world that no one may withstand the depths of evil in our twisted souls. The usual lobbying of Daniel Spreadbury's office for title shots has been somewhat curtailed over the last week. No one wants to get in the ring with two people as obviously deranged as ourselves. They think that we are out of control, that we do not know when the beatings are supposed to stop, that we may do something particularly nasty to them, and y'know what? They are absolutely right! [Wulf bares his incisors with a maniacal grin] KANE: Yes, that holds true, for all except two insignificant souls who in their arrogance think they can measure up to our lunacy. Two weak little lemmings who seem to think that our thoroughly evil deeds are merely hype to draw a little heat. Yes, I am speaking of The Players Club, who will soon realize that we are deathly serious and will stop at nothing to see them trampled bloody beneath our feet. You see Players Club, your moniker is rather appropriate, for to us you are nothing but playthings, two children who are to be tormented and then tossed aside. Little bugs who will be crushed without a second thought. Show them Wulf... [Wulf plucks a huge cockroach from the wall and grins as he pops it into his mouth. He chomps on the bug noisily and then swallows. Kane cackles with glee in the background.] KANE: Now, it may have crossed some of your simple little minds where the tag team belts are to be found. [he mockingly looks around], I do not see them. Wulf, do you see the tag team belts? [Wulf shakes his head and snarls] KANE: Well, that is because we have decided to make a few little alterations to them, as did our esteemed colleague Casey James to his new World title. I am sure you will all like the changes very much. They reflect a new outlook which I am sure the whole of the IIWF will soon abide by. Wulf, shall we check on the belts? [Wulf picks up a large fire poker and the Dark Disciples retreat to the back of the room. Kane pulls open a small metal door on the back wall to reveal a glow inside as from an intense furnace. Wulf prods something inside with his poker, which cannot be made out from the camera angle]. KANE: Ah yes, the fires of hell doth wrought great things. They are looking much better.... [The shot fades as Kane and Wulf cackle with glee. Cut back to Larry and Becky in the studio.] BL: It's about time someone gave those horrendous belts a new look. Maybe The Disciples will show up tomorrow night and give us a look at what they've done. Will you do it for me, Wulf honey? LM: The Dark Disciples have held the belts for less than a week, but the titles are already on the minds of many other tag teams. I visited The Arabian Knights yesterday at their luxurious Abu Ahku Estate and caught the trio in... a less than cordial mood: [SCENE: A huge mansion. Larry Morton is being shown around the back of the house. Mr Kaseem, Prince Abdul and Omar are sitting at a table on the back lawn. The three stop talking and look up as Larry Morton approaches.] MK: Larry, so good of you to join us would you like a drink ? LM: Just water, thank you. [Mr Kaseem turns and says something to a servant who goes off to fetch the drink.] MK: So then Larry, I believe you have a few questions for us. LM: Well the Arabian Knights have been very quiet recently, and I believe that there were some rumors about the Arabian Knights leaving the IIWF a while back. MK: There were a few... how can I put it... "contractual problems," but we sat down with President Spreadbury and managed to get everything sorted out so the Arabian Knights will definitely be staying in the IIWF. And as for the Arabian Knights being quiet, well I have been very disappointed with the performances that we have put in over the recent weeks. So we thought it would be better to concentrate on training rather than spurting out endless drivel like so many wrestlers here in the IIWF. [The servant returns with Larry's drink] LM: People have been saying that the Arabian Knights are not the force that they were under the guidance of the Grand Vizier. I wondered if there was any truth in the rumour that the he might be returning in some capacity? [Prince Abdul grins.] MK: [Angrily] WHAT? Where did you hear this? I can assure you, Mr. Morton, that the Grand Vizier will not be returning to manage the Arabian Knights in any capacity. Where did the Grand Vizier take the Arabian Knights? Nowhere! I am going to take them to the top. LM: You must admit though, that the record of the Arabian Knights under your leadership has not been that good. MK: WHAT?! I let you come to conduct your interview and all you do is insult me! Get off my land and take your pathetic little film crew with you! [Larry Morton gets up and walks away. As he nears the front of the house, Prince Abdul and Omar are waiting for him.] PA: Mr Morton, I must apologize for my uncle. He has been under a lot of pressure recently. But there is something that I would like to say. LM: Go on. PA: We are fed up of having to wait for our title shot. We have been in the IIWF for quite some time and not once have we had the opportunity to go up against the champions. Well, this situation must now change. You may say that we are not the number one contenders, well, that doesn't seem to make any difference. When we did hold that position, were we given a title shot? No! Now look who are champions -- those infidel pigs the Dark Disciples. Where were they? Nowhere! It's just because they allied themselves with the Syndicate that they are where they are. If we must go out and get ourselves noticed and give people no choice but to fight us, then so be it. And this Saturday, we shall show why we are the best team in the IIWF by making an example out of those morons the Alphabet Boys. Listen up Alphabet Boys and listen good -- maybe you should consider playing patty cake or whatever you like to do rather than stepping into the ring with the Arabian Knights this Saturday night, because rest assured you are going to take one hell of a beating. [Prince Abdul and Omar turn around and go back into the mansion. Fade. Cut back to Larry and Becky in the studio.] BL: You're lucky they didn't _kick_ you out the way you baited them! LM: I was simply doing my job. And they'll have to do their jobs tomorrow night if they hope to best The Alphabet Boys, who apparently will dedicate tomorrow's match to Rising Sun Revolution: [SCENE: An arid desert wasteland. Suddenly, the giant plastic figure of Jasmine, from Disney's "Aladdin" appears.] FALSETTO VOICE OF JASMINE: Save me... save me.. [She is joined by the Official IIWF Fightin' Figures (with realistic combat sounds) of Rising Sun Revolution] DEEP VOICE OR RSR: We'll save you. [The character of the Vizier is introduced. For no apparent reason, the four figures begin to fight. The camera pulls back to reveal the Alphabet Boys playing in a sandbox with their "Happy Meal" toys. A number of small children gaze on in terror.] ZED: Rising Sun, we promised we'd be good. But we weren't. We're sorry. ABIE: [still playing] Oof! Ugh! ZED: But we said we'd make things right. You lost to The Arabian Guys because of us, so now we're gonna beat them up for you. ABIE: Yeah! Like this. [He throws the Vizier figure in the sand and stomps violently on it.] And this! [He yanks the head off the Jasmine doll. Abie realizes what he's done.] Aaaaaaagh! [Abie begins to pout] ZED: Hehe. [Fade. Cut back to Larry and Becky in the studio.] LM: The Players' Club has stirred things up in the singles ranks by beating up Chris Quigley and taunting the Syndicate, but their actions have not gone unnoticed by other tag teams. BL: Hey, if you're gonna bark at the big dogs, you'd better be ready to bite the whole neighborhood. LM: Their barking certainly has caught the attention of Pain Inc.: [SCENE: A luxury suite at a New York Knicks game. Mr.Mic and Hades are smoking cigars and drinking what appears to be brandy. They are surrounded by friends. Seated in the front of the suite are Pain Inc., who appear to be watching the game intensely. A thin man in a dark green suit bursts into the suite. He waves a videotape. Everyone in the suite turns to stare at the man.] MAN: Sorry I'm late Mr.Mic but you gotta see this! I can't believe it! That Kauffman guy... [As soon as Morningstar and Hellraiser hear the name "Kauffman" they rise and walk to the back of the suite to join the others. Mr.Mic looks at his men and makes a motion for them to come with him. They step into an adjoining office.] MM: What has the unstoppable champion done now? This had better be good. We're missing a very good game because of it. [Mr.Mic pulls a remote control from his suit pocket and pushes a button. A combination TV/VCR rises from the floor. Pain Inc. sit down next to Mr.Mic. The messenger puts the tape in the VCR. It shows the attack on Chris Quigley from Saturday Night. Mr.Mic has his hands together against his mouth as he stares at the TV. He watches as the Player's Club delivers the spike powerbomb to Quigley. The tape continues rolling as Mr.Mic, still staring at the TV, looks up at the messenger.] MM: And the apology, did Kauffman apologize? MAN: No, sir he did not. [Mr.Mic stops the tape. Pain Inc now have a look of utter contempt on their faces, but surprisingly are not out of control. Instead, Mr.Mic moves to the front of the room.] MM: This new turn of events is of no consequence. The fact remains that the so-called prestigious champion Dan Kauffman interfered in our business and for this he shall pay. Pain Inc. hasn't been as active as they should be, but that will change. Player's Club, you have walked around like you own this league. However, we intend to rectify the situation. We, Pain Inc. will challenge them to a six-man tag team match next week. The Player's Club vs. Pain Inc. and a mystery partner! Surely, the mighty Kauffman and his two little groupies don't mind a mystery partner. Ha Ha ha, Hades! [Hades stands up before Mr.Mic] Please call the IIWF offices and inform them of our wishes. Also, have Mr.Dross inform all wrestlers that Pain Inc. is looking for a partner for this match. I am sure that wrestlers from Tiger Claw to the awesome Deathbringer himself would love to get their hands on Kauffman. Please go now! [Hades pulls out a cellular phone and excuses himself from the suite. Fade. Cut back to Larry and Becky in the studio.] LM: Speaking of Pain Inc., the Armed Forces had a few words for Mr. Mic and his men when I visited them earlier this week. [SCENE: The locker room. Former IIWF Tag Team Champions, the Armed Forces, are joined by their manager Aaron the Caddy and Larry Morton for an interview.] LM: Gentlemen, thanks for joining me here on Countdown to Saturday Night. NC: No problem, Larry. We've got a lot of things to get off our chests tonight and we're glad to be here. LM: [Stunned at the politeness, but sensing sarcasm.] Ah, sure. Well, first of all, last weekend you faced rivals G.W.R. in the ring, for a while at least, as that ended on the floor in a double countout. Any thoughts on G.W.R.? DC: One thing that always stands out with me about these guys is the fact that they just won't quit. We've faced you twice, Loco and Spoiler. The first time we beat you, and the second time it ended in a double countout, but I must hand it to you guys. You will not back down, and I can tell that General Kane has instilled a true military spirit in you two. Maybe Kane is a real general after all, who knows? LM: Trouble with Pain, Inc., Aaron... what about it? ATC: I'm going to apologize to the media, and my Armed Forces right now. They've been wanting to break away from these two yahoos for quite some time now, and whenever they've tried to lash out, I've stopped them. Well, I now realize that it was a poor decision on my part to do so. After negotiations with Mr. Mic, I realize that things are not going anywhere with them. There are just too many big egos in that camp, and I cannot put up with it anymore... Nav? NC: Here's the bottom line on Pain, Inc. At Snow Brawl, they showed up and cost us a shot at the titles. A shot we deserved. A shot we worked for two solid months to get. And then, just like that, Morning Glory and Hell Hound flushed it down the toilet. Now a couple of Lau's goons have the titles that we could have won at Snow Brawl. DC: We simply cannot coexist with Pain, Inc. They've just screwed us out of one too many matches. I consider all further involvement with Pain, Inc. to be a farce, and it's not going to happen. Forgotten. LM: Aaron notified me that he had a major announcement to make before the interview took place. Aaron? ATC: Thank you, Mr. Morton. At Snow Brawl, I was locked in a room in the back. Seemingly, the backbone of the team was gone, and the Armed Forces were handicapped somewhat. No one gave us a chance, because I wasn't there with my clubs and coaching. Well, we all saw what happened at Snow Brawl. We wrestled without my presence, and were kickin' the tails of the Drifters until the Pain punks screwed it all up. Well, we saw something that night, Larry. We saw that the Armed Forces are now established ring veterans, and they no longer need me on the outside wielding a golf club. They don't need my coaching. So, I've made a decision. You will no longer see me at ringside for any more Armed Forces matches, Larry. NC: That's right, Aaron, Def and myself have decided that it would be wise to do this. However, we still do need Aaron. We need his savvy in dealing with the press and with the politicians here in the IIWF. Aaron will stay on as our "Managerial Consultant of Finance", helping us get matches signed, etc. LM: Well, apparently the Armed Forces in a very... philosophical mood tonight, thanks to you three... [The Armed Forces pat Aaron on the back and all three of them head out of the locker room. Cut back to Larry and Becky in the studio.] ************************************************************************** --------------------- IIWF SATURDAY NIGHT PREVIEW ---------------------- ************************************************************************** LM: The fists will be flying tomorrow night in the IIWF Coliseum, fans. Just take a look at the LIVE matches we'll be bringing you: * Alphabet Boys vs. Arabian Knights * "Sychosys" Joe Petrow vs. Bobby B. Goode * "Lone Wolf" Brody Thunder vs. Tiger Claw * Lord Byron vs. Dirt Dog Unique Allah * Venusian Death Cell vs. Onslaught * Serge Annis vs. The Hangman * "Spotlight" Billy Shakespeare vs. "Superstar" Stud Stetson * FOR A SHOT AT IIWF CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: "Badboy" Randy Acorn vs. Cheshire * TRIANGLE MATCH: Otto Verhoeven vs. Sandman vs. Harlequin Tragedy ************************************************************************** --------------------- LATEST IIWF SINGLES RANKINGS --------------------- ************************************************************************** ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Name F/H Fought W L D Win% Ranking (old) new ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Dan Kauffman H 24 17 5 2 75% (WC) WC Steve Kowalski H 12 9 3 0 75% (IC) IC "Enigma" Takezo Musashi N 22 17 5 0 77% (CW) CW ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Deathbringer H 25 20 3 2 84% (1) 1 Brody Thunder H 8 6 2 0 75% (2) 2 Otto Verhoeven H 20 14 5 1 73% (4) 3 Chris Quigley F 15 11 4 0 73% (3) 4 Lord Byron H 11 8 3 0 73% (-) 5 Harlequin Tragedy N 8 5 2 1 69% (5) 6 Subway Psycho F 24 15 7 2 67% (6) 7 Marty Warnett F 26 17 9 0 66% (7) 8 Billy Shakespeare F 27 17 9 1 65% (8) 9 Casey James H 28 17 9 2 64% (9) 10 Venusian Death Cell H 12 7 5 0 58% (-) 11 The Sandman F 23 13 10 0 57% (12) 12 Tiger Claw H 37 19 16 2 54% (10) 13 Mr. Damage H 22 11 11 0 50% (-) 14 Stud Stetson H 10 4 4 2 50% (11) 15 The Hangman H 13 4 6 3 42% (13) 16 Creed N 5 2 3 0 40% (19=) 17 ------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Real Deal" Luke Steele F 2 2 0 0 100% (16) 18 Nightwing F 1 1 0 0 100% (-) 19= Highwayman F 1 1 0 0 100% (-) 19= Dirt Dog Unique Allah N 4 3 1 0 75% (-) 21= Mad Dog Watkins H 4 3 1 0 75% (14=) 21= Cheshire H 4 3 1 0 75% (14=) 21= Serge Annis N 4 2 1 1 63% (18) 24 Harlequin Chaos N 4 2 2 0 50% (17) 25= Ronnie Paris F 4 2 2 0 50% (19=) 25= American Patriot F 4 2 2 0 50% (19=) 25= "Badboy" Randy Acorn H 1 1 1 0 50% (22) 28 "Sychosys" Joe Petrow N - - - - - (-) - -------------------------------- on tour ------------------------------- The White Phoenix F 15 11 4 0 73% (-) - ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ************************************************************************** -------------------- LATEST IIWF TAG TEAM RANKINGS --------------------- ************************************************************************** ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Name of team F/H Fought W L D Win% Ranking (old) new ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Dark Disciples H 6 4 2 0 67% (WT) WT ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Rising Sun Revolution F 12 9 3 0 75% (-) 1 The Armed Forces H 24 16 7 1 69% (1) 2 High Plains Drifters H 25 16 8 1 66% (2) 3 The Arabian Knights H 14 9 5 0 64% (3) 4 The Hangmen H 13 7 4 2 62% (4) 5 Pain Inc. H 13 7 5 1 58% (6) 6 The Alphabet Boys F 14 7 5 2 57% (7) 7 The Players' Club F 9 5 4 0 56% (8) 8 GWR N 6 3 3 0 50% (5) 9 The Zodiac Connection F 15 7 8 0 47% (9) 10 ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Harlequins N 1 1 0 0 100% (10) 11 -------------------------------- on tour ------------------------------- Domination F 6 4 1 1 75% (-) - ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ************************************************************************** ----------- COMING TUESDAY: "INSIDE THE IIWF" WITH TIM DROSS ----------- ************************************************************************** LM: Be sure to catch up on all the IIWF news and notes on "Inside the IIWF" with your host Tim Dross, coming your way Tuesday night along most of these same stations. Tim and Steve Roberts will call all the action tomorrow night on "IIWF Saturday Night." Becky and I will be back with you next week for more news and interviews right here on "Countdown to Saturday Night." Until then, this is Larry Morton for Becky LaRue saying... BL: Never bet on a horse named Gunther! LM: Never... what? BL: Nighty-night, everyone! [The remote camera zooms back up the aisle as the teen uses his Zippo lighter to ignite the "Chaos Kauffman" poster. The studio's sprinkler system begins soaking the audience. The credits roll by too quickly to read. Fade.] +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= I * I * W * F =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-+ | President: Daniel Spreadbury | Vice-President: Steve Owens | | univ0322@sable.ox.ac.uk | sowens@admin.presby.edu | | iiwf@sisko.demon.co.uk | IIWFadmin@aol.com | +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- http://www.sisko.demon.co.uk -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=+