##### ###### ### ########## ########## ########## #### ## ########## ########## ########## #### # #### ######## ##### ##### #### ## ##### #### #### #### #### ### #### #### #### #### ############# ######### #### #### ########### ######### #### #### #### #### #### ######### ######### ### #### #### ######### ######### ### ## #### ######## ######## ## # #### =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- ## =-=-=-= H + O + T + L + I + N + E #1-900-325-IIWF =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= 19 January 1997 ----------------------------------------------- [click] --------------------------- OPTION #1: The Dross Report --------------------------- Hello there, folks, and welcome to the Dross Report for January 19, 1997. I'm Tim Dross, and this week, as well as all the latest behind-the-scenes rumour and speculation, I have a very disturbing rumour to report. But first port of call tonight is the increasingly stormy ocean of deception surrounding the Syndicate. It's as plain as the nose on your face that Tiger Claw is becoming increasingly disillusioned with the attention Casey James is currently receiving from Brian Lau, and, indeed, the wrestling world in general. Lau, of course, is currently depending on Casey as his big title hope, and he has been putting Claw#s affairs on the back-burner. The result? The stock of Tiger Claw, undoubtedly the greatest Intercontinental Champion in the history of the IIWF, has fallen considerably in the past month or six weeks. Claw might be considering drastic action to pull himself out of the doldrums. On a related note, an insider at IIWF Towers revealed that after a particularly hectic and tiring weekend of negotiations both in the States and Japan, Brian Lau walked into the IIWF President's office on Monday and threatened to pull the Syndicate from the IIWF. The reason? The over-exposure of one "Quickstrike" Chris Quigley at the expense of Casey James. However, I understand that President Dan did his best to smooth things over, and the Syndicate won't be going anywhere in the near future. The whole world can breathe a sigh of relief... Were you surprised at the return of the "Outlaw" J.W. Hardin last night in the Coliseum? So were the front office suits, who had apparently not been informed that "Lone Wolf" Brody Thunder was even in contact with Hardin. You can be sure that even though Hardin only has a four-week release from his lucrative contract with a European wrestling organisation, he'll be able to create merry hell in the IIWF just as he did last year. Staff in practically every department of IIWF Towers have been trying to contact Hardin today, but he and Thunder have disappeared... for now. I don't think it'll take long for them to send more shockwaves through the IIWF. Incidentally, the IIWF World Heavyweight Championship belt is, to the best of our knowledge, still in the possession of Hardin. Quite what he intends to do with it is unclear. There's some concern over the condition of "Spotlight" Billy Shakespeare, who was carried out of the Intercontinental Championship triangle match last night on a stretcher. Billy's IIWF career has been plagued with injuries -- which isn't really surprising given the risks he takes every night in the ring -- but he has never before suffered serious head injuries. It's unknown at the moment whether his injuries extend beyond concussion, since he's currently in Portland General Hospital for tests, but it's not out of the question that Billy may have sustained brain damage of some kind. Our thoughts and prayers are with him. Apart from those of Steve Roberts, obviously. What was Mad Dog Watkins _really_ doing at ringside last night? I must confess that I was just waiting for Watkins to jump over that barrier and interfere in one of the incredible matches we saw go down in the Coliseum, but the moment never came. Watkins has made ripples in the IIWF since his arrival late last year, but I don't think the Mad Dog has really got into his stride yet. I understand that he was at ringside last night to pick his next adversary... and somebody on whom to unleash his furious anger... What's with "Sychosys" Joe Petrow and the Players' Club? It's no secret that the Players' Club are looking to recruit new members, but until last night I had to question their logic in scouting Petrow, a man who stands alone and who is too unpredictable to be a good team player. However, when Petrow pulled the wool over the Dark Disciples' eyes and walked out with the tag belts during their match, my reservations were banished. My sources indicate that Petrow's a done deal, folks. Expect to see him officially join forces with the Players' Club within a week. Lord Byron's pride has taken more of a beating than his win/loss record recently, but nonetheless, expect the English nobleman to stop the rot in his ranking very quickly indeed. I understand that the Lady DeWinter is more than a little upset that Byron is more interested in winning matches than in her, and she may be looking for a new beau -- to make Byron jealous. Watch this space. What a tremendous victory for Marty Warnett last night in the Coliseum to become the Intercontinental Champion! It's been a long road for Warnett, who entered the IIWF last August. He has worked tirelessly, wrestling more matches since his debut than anybody else in the IIWF in the same period, and he soon found that the learning curve was very steep indeed. However, he has come on in leaps and bounds, and is a far more fitting champion than the manoeuvring and conniving Steve "the Fury" Kowalski. But my sources indicate that grey clouds loom on the horizon for Warnett. Firstly, the whispers in the locker room suggest that some kind of personal problem could well take him away from the rings in the near future, and secondly, one IIWF superstar in particular is waiting in the rings to take Warnett's newly-won belt out of his possession... and he will have to strike quickly to ensure success. A number of well-known athletes from around the world of wrestling are currently in contract negotiations with the IIWF. Rumour has it that the IIWF President is looking for a very particular type of athlete, one which he believes will carry wrestling into the next milennium. Your humble reporter believes that he may already have that athlete under contract already. Who am I talking about? None other than Creed. The big man proved again last night that he's ready to start making some serious noise in the IIWF. And when Creed speaks, others listen. Finally, folks, here's that bombshell announcement I spoke about earlier: IIWF World Heavyweight Champion Dan Kauffman may be only a matter of weeks away from retiring from professional wrestling entirely. I spoke with Dan a great deal over the last weekend, and the man behind the title belt is a shadow of his former self. Disillusioned, exhausted and gaunt, Kauffman is finding the gruelling schedule which is a part and parcel of being the man on top an increasing burden. He said to me, and I quote, "I'm just not having so much fun these days." Dan tells me that he is considering moving into sports journalism, having discovered a flair and enthusiasm for the thrill of reporting. This possibility will come as a shock to IIWF fans the world over, many of whom idolised Kauffman until his recent change of heart. Looking back, it's easy to see that his sudden and drastic attitude adjustment was a symptom of his increasing frustration, and an outlet for his anger at what life on the road for the past nine months has done to him. The wrestler has reached the pinnacle, but the man has hit rock bottom. Fans, Kauffman hasn't announced his retirement, and my sources indicate that he will continue to compete for the time being, but we'd better start getting used to the idea of the IIWF without Dan Kauffman. I think only one thing now drives Dan Kauffman onward: the burning desire deep down inside him to prove that he is a better athlete than "Quickstrike" Chris Quigley. When I spoke to Dan, he said that he had been waiting to lock up with Quigley for fifteen months, and I can't imagine that Kauffman would retire before facing Quigley one-on-one to settle the matter once and for all. And, of course, there is the small matter of the IIWF World Heavyweight Championship belt currently in the illegal possession of Casey "Blackheart" James... Fans, that's all from me for this week. Thanks for listening to the Dross Report, and I'll be back next Sunday night with more inside news and rumour. Until then, this is Tim Dross, saying: so long, everybody! ----------------------------- OPTION #2: "Soundbite" Speaks ----------------------------- Hold on to your hats, because you've dialled that number, you're paying that money, and you're listening to "Soundbite" Steve Roberts, the greatest announcer in the history of wrestling. Sure, you might not like me, but frankly, I couldn't care less. It seems that my channel hopping last week turned a few heads, and the front office suits asked me to stir up a bit more trouble by turning my attention to another of the IIWF's rival organisations. "No problem," I said, and duly went away and gorged myself on some of the worst cable television I have ever seen. Among the dozens of amateurish, formulaic wrestling shows, I found one -- which I have been told should remain nameless, but is in fact known as [CENSORED] -- with some promise, only to have my hopes cruelly dashed by a familiar face. On the lookout for IIWF stars, I happened across a match featuring the so-called "People's Champion", the Subway Stinker. By some coincidence, he was pitted against IIWF wannabe "Jackhammer" J.P. Steele, the man who ended up on the losing end of the Contract Match at Snow Brawl, and the Stinker took Steele apart. So no change there, then. Another interesting incident of note saw the Armed Forces and the Players' Club at one another's throats in a very big way, with Reyna ending up on the stretcher. No change there, either. Mind you, the Armed Forces are looking more and more wet with every passing day. I heard that this past Thursday, they were even seen at a charity benefit event for the American Red Cross. I tell you, folks, if these two namby-pambies are typical servicemen, I'm starting to worry that this country's not the military superpower it's made out to be. Government underfunding must be to blame. The Forces had better readjust their attitudes, and fast, or they could be on a hiding to nothing here in the IIWF. The "Soundbite" has spoken. Uppermost in my mind tonight is that little runt, Ronnie Paris. Everybody saw him try to make yours truly look bad last night on television the world over, but in fact all Paris succeeded in was making himself look like an idiot. I'll be the first to admit that Paris knows his way around the squared circle, but it seems he was right at the back of the queue when the almighty was handing out charisma. This guy is about as exciting to listen to as Larry Morton, and boy is that saying something. We'll find out if he can really wrestle better than he talks when he steps into the ring with me next Saturday Night. I haven't decided what I'm going to do with the retarded jerk yet, but rest assured that, whatever punishment I exact on him, it will be swift and terrible. Speaking of terrible, what's with Marty Warnett winning the Intercontinental Championship? Steve "the Fury" Kowalski was robbed in the Coliseum last night, and I understand that he's making a lot of noise around the front office about an immediate rematch. Wasn't it great to see "Superstar" Stud Stetson return from his suspension last night and kick the snot out of Willy Pukespeare? Stetson may be full of himself, but there's no denying that he took Pukespeare out in style. Before I leave you for another week, I direct a few comments at my old buddy, the "Outlaw" J.W. Hardin, the _real_ IIWF World Heavyweight Champion. Champ, nothing's changed around here since you flew to Europe. Kauffman's still yapping, Deathbringer's still taking no prisoners, Quigley's still full of hot air, and Pukespeare's still leaving every event on a stretcher. But without you, the IIWF just ain't the same. It's good to have you back, champ. Right, that's it, plebs. You've been listening to the wisdom of "Soundbite" Steve Roberts. I'll be back next week with more incisive insight into the ring wars. Until then, get the hell out of here, and don't forget to pay on your way out. ----------------------- OPTION #3: Can We Talk? ----------------------- Thanks for choosing option #3. I'm Larry Morton, and over the past week, I've been loitering in the locker rooms, perambulating in the parking lots, and talking on the telephone, trying to get the inside scoop on the IIWF superstars. Sadly, Tim Dross beat me to it with every single story, so instead, I took it upon myself to ask the superstars of the IIWF the same question. To kick things off, I asked the IIWF superstars: What do you like to do outside the ring? - G.W.R.: General Kane: Outside the ring? Everything I do is outside the ring. But since you ask, play chess. And watch "Babylon 5". Spoiler: Watch football. Proper football, mind you. Not that American stuff. [singing - badly] Glory, Glory, Man United... - THE SANDMAN: "I like to hang out with Flare and Brad "Bodybag" Kinder and pimp women at bars." - "QUICKSTRIKE" CHRIS QUIGLEY: "When I'm not wrestling, I sit around with a severe case of withdrawal! But seriously, when I manage to find some free time I love to play goaltender in a small hockey league back home, and of course I like listening to classic rock like The Steve Miller Band and The Eagles." - "REAL DEAL" LUKE STEELE: "Well, by far my favorite thing lately is to go out to the nightclubs around wherever I happen to be. Especially with New York City, and now that Shotgun Saturday Night is happenin'." - DAN KAUFFMAN: "What do I like to do outside the ring? [Ponders] I suppose you don't want to hear about bedroom activity, no? [Pause] Oh great, I've got half the production staff glaring at me now! - "REAL DEAL" LUKE STEELE: "I've also been pegged as quite a cook." - DAN KAUFFMAN: "To be perfectly honest... I spend most of my time training in the downstairs gym here... No really, I do! [Pause] You guys don't believe me, do you? I don't blame you... Well, what do you expect for an answer, anyway? - "REAL DEAL" LUKE STEELE: "Another favorite of the Real Deal's is to play sports. I'm a pretty good basketball player and quarterback, but I can't skate to save my life." - DAN KAUFFMAN: "Actually, I spend most of my time going round from my wrestling leagues filling in the obligations to my contracts, and I'm wrestling pretty much constantly, so I lead what I call a road life. I'm pretty much in constant motion, so there you go!" - MR. DAMAGE: "What business is it of yours? If you must know, I go down to the pub with mates back home, see live bands and so on. It's hard not to be recognised, being the multi mega media star I am!" - THE PLAYERS' CLUB: Dynamite: They asked us to answer a simple question, what do we like to do outside the IIWF ring.. Reyna: The answer, like the quetsion is simple.. But, let's make it tricky. Is it drink? Or is it impressing the ladies? Dynamite: Or is it something totally different? I'll tell you what it is... It's living up to the "Players' Club" name, if it's wining and dining, or out winning gold... WE DO IT ALL! Reyna: INSIDE and OUTSIDE the IIWF... It's all about business, and we have some unfinished "business" here to take care of.. - ALEX RIO: "Actually, I'm a big fan of Full House re-runs, I can watch those things over and over again. [pause] What? What's wrong with that? [pause] Oh... Really? Just forget I even said that... No, don't even use that clip. Listen man, if I catch you using that clip, I'm gonna take that microphone of yours and shove it right up your --" - "SPOTLIGHT" BILLY SHAKESPEARE: "I stay amused by watching old tapes of Steve Roberts wrestling." - ZODIAC CONNECTION: Scorpio: Well, the Zodiac Connection is very proud of its commitment to those who are less fortunate. We make ourselves available for public service announcements for agencies such as the American Red Cross and the Boys and Girls Club of America. Taurus: Unlike many celebrities, however, our work goes beyond public appearances. Whenever we can, both of us contribute blood. Additionally, both of us are involved in the Big Brothers' Program and we choose a family before each of the Pay-Per-Views and fly them to the site of the event, and show them what hard work and determination could mean for them. - STEVE "THE FURY" KOWALSKI: "If I'm not at those stupid promo signings that Spreadbury weasels us into, I'm playin' a game of nine ball at the Jungle Go-Go. Now get that mic outta my face, punk!" - ALPHABET BOYS: Zed: Abie got a tatoo. Abie: I got a tatoo. - THE HANGMAN: "The Hangmen and I like to spend time on our ranch in the San Jaciento Mountains. We enjoy the feel of the great outdoors and spend most of our free time there, training and just enjoying ourselves and our families." - "SYCHOSYS" JOE PETROW: "There is so much pain and suffering in the world... behind closed doors, buried in dark alleys, stagnating in a prisoner's cell, roaring out from the urban projects...the list goes on and on. I try to experience as much of that suffering as possible." - RONNIE PARIS: "Outside the ring, I like to prepare for matches, learn new moves and counters, basically study the science of wrestling. Hey, practice makes perfect." - THE SYNDICATE: Brian Lau: Make money... Lots of it... Tiger Claw: Avoid annoying little reporters like you... Casey James: Keep tabs on my future opponents... I like to know their styles. I like to know their weaknesses... I like to know where they eat for lunch... I like to know how many squares of toilet paper they use per "transaction". Oh, and I like to polish my brand new shiny World Heavyweight Title belt! - "BADBOY" RANDY ACORN: "Generally when I'm outside of the ring, I like to sit out home, puff on a few Cubans, then go to the bar and get into a good ol' rumble. NOW GET OUT OF MY FACE!" - MAD DOG WATKINS: "Prepare... You can never know enough or be too ready. And I like to spend time with my kid when I'm home in Detroit." - "LONE WOLF" BRODY THUNDER: "When I ain't bustin' heads in the ring I like bustin' the cattle on my spread, the Thunderbolt Ranch. Then at the end o' the day I like sittin' back, tippin' a couple longnecks an' watchin' a good ol' western like 'Gunfight at the O.K. Corral' or 'True Grit'." - NAVCOM (of the Armed Forces): "I usually like to head back to the base in Omaha for a little miltary-style party, or else watch video footage of my ship, the USS Kansas, blowing up an Iraqi tanker in the Gulf War." - "ENIGMA" TAKEZO MUSASHI: "I train hard, meditate and compose Haikus. I also study the lives of the great samurai and warriors, from them I learn much." - VENUSIAN DEATH CELL: "Who's asking? [pause] Oh, you're here on behalf of Ms LaRue. Okay, outside the ring, I like to strangle people, or maybe throw the ring steps on them. Will that do?" - DARK DISCIPLES: Kane: I ride my bicycle in the park, attend church on Sundays and donate my time to children in need. Why don't you tell the meek fools what we really do, Wulf? Wulf: The other night we picked up this old bum off the street and took him to our lair. We've got these really nasty thumbscrews and we... Don McQueen: Umm, maybe you can tell them that story some other time, guys. As for me, I dine out in style, spend big down in Vegas, and just stare at my massive wads of cash. That never fails to amuse me. - SERGE ANNIS: "What do I like to do outside the ring? The same thing I do in the ring... snap necks, ruin lives and just make everyone downright miserable! Hehehe..." - CASEY "BLACKHEART" JAMES: "Watch TV at Dan Kauffman's place... He's got cable, you know..." - MARTY WARNETT: "If ya really need to ask, you ain't invited!" ------------------------------ OPTION #4: Party Maniac Patter ------------------------------ Hi folks, you've reached the Party Maniac, Marty Warnett, giving his views on this week's events in the greatest wrestling federation around, the IIWF. Y'know, I still can't believe I now hold the IC title; it was one hell of a bout, everybody gave their all, but Kowalski, when it boils down to it, you couldn't waffle me with a chair, and you sure as hell can't pin me. Right now, I'm still so pumped, it feels so great, and I'm just waiting for the contender wannabes to come crawling out of the woodwork. Stetson, you're so out of the way it's unbelievable. You wanna parade around with your ACME belt, the man is here. Okay, so here's my round up of ther events inside the ring this week: Ronnie Paris impressed me with his guts, going up against Watkins the way he did, but really, does he think that wrestling an out-of-shape commentator whose best years are behind him is the perfect way to make a name for himself in the IIWF? Watkins is a tough, tough cagey competitor who needs to focus to get title shots. Kowalski, well, with such an important title defence ahead, it was a wee bit stupid making yet another enemy... Shakespeare has guts, but where is his sense? How can you trust a Lone Wolf? Claw and James are, give 'em credit, on top of their game, and make a grea unit. I guess it was an initiation into the IIWF for Thunder, but exactly what game is Lau up to? Nice to see Byron back, and it'll be interesting to see if we meet again, nothing's been settled between us, and it won't be until I pin him, 1-2-3. Now, why was I so unsurprised by Verhoeven turning on Quigley? Well, I guess unlike that guy off Due South, Quigley must have had his brains beaten out of him. A potentially great bout between Musashi and Tragedy was wrecked by interference. Gee, just because certain people can't win cleanly ... And now, it seems, Hoss Hardin is back on the scene. Well, I guess he wanted to badmouth the talent back in Europe, and he's one tough guy, but if he thinks he'd like a title, he's got another thing coming -- I've evolved since we met before. Of course, his status in the sport means he's a definite top contender, but a contender ain't a champ, chump. The main talking point has been the Players' Club, and one Danny Kauffman. Now, I've learnt the hard way in the IIWF that always keeping by the rules doesn't always work, but Danny boy, you've kept that title for quite a while now, and yet those other boys in your club don't seem to be pulling their weight. No doubt about it, Kauffman is the focus of the club, even with that ridiculous hard-man goatee of his, but what next? Does this mean his interviews will bore you in an evil manner? Who are four and five? And I heard the gossip I may be joining, let me just say this; I don't need anybody but you fans, and the only dealings I'll have with Kauffman for the forseeable future will be in the ring. Let's face reality head on guys, Danny-boy's turning into a gutless wonder who'd rather face tag team wrestlers than defend the World title. It's no wonder he's having an identity crisis in a certain other federation. Maybe he should just try to concentrate on matters nearer to "home". Chris Quigley; now this guy really depresses me, fans. His "look at me" ego, his constant attempts at being the centre of attention. Now, I don't know about you guys, but every time I've seen him in the ring, he's been getting his butt kicked. So, what does he do? Bad mouth the Party Maniac! Quigley, we all know who your inspiration is, I'm just waiting for you to say that you're the best there is, was and ever will be. Bragging rights come from your achievements in the ring, not your mouth outside it. This lucky mid-carder welcomes your response. This lucky mid-carder who's done something you haven't in your IIWF tenure, that is, to hold a title. And Chris, I'll be holding it for as long as I want to. Now some assorted rumours I've heard floating around the locker room ... Don't expect Randy Savage to surface in the IIWF soon, or even at all... Chris Quigley's clothing company appears to be in dire financial straits, hence his return to the squared circle despite his long-term injury weaknesses. Ronnie Paris' idol may surprise some people, but not others. The question is, does his role model deserve or even want to be copied? How will the wrestler react? Is Paris the third Alphabet Boy? Who is the Sandman's mystery masked friend? Can he wrestle, and has he even got the flair and style to survive in the ring these days? A certain, ahem, broadcast star is spitting nails over not having a phone line of her own; the front office refused her over her previous line, "I'm a bad girl, sniff my slippers" which bombed royally. Is it true the relationship between DeWinter and Byron has been split by her affections for another IIWF superstar? I've been Marty Warnett, thanks for listening, see y'all in the ring soon. [click] +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= I * I * W * F =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-+ | President: Daniel Spreadbury | Vice-President: Steve Owens | | univ0322@sable.ox.ac.uk | sowens@admin.presby.edu | | iiwf@sisko.demon.co.uk | IIWFadmin@aol.com | +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- http://www.sisko.demon.co.uk -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=+