##### ###### ### ########## ########## ########## #### ## ########## ########## ########## #### # #### ######## ##### ##### #### ## ##### #### #### #### #### ### #### #### #### #### ############# ######### #### #### ########### ######### #### #### #### #### #### ######### ######### ### #### #### ######### ######### ### ## #### ######## ######## ## # #### =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- ## =-=-=-= H + O + T + L + I + N + E #1-900-325-IIWF =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= 26 January 1997 ----------------------------------------------- [click] --------------------------- OPTION #1: The Dross Report --------------------------- Hello there, folks, and thanks for calling the IIWF Hotline. This is the update for January 26, 1997, and you've reached the Dross Report. I'm Tim Dross, and I'm here every week with the latest behind the scenes news, rumour and speculation. The talk in IIWF Towers all weekend has been of Dan Kauffman's bombshell retirement announcement, exclusively predicted here on the Hotline last weekend. The front office is reportedly surprised and upset at Kauffman's decision, since they had hoped that he would be the man to lead the IIWF into the next milennium. However, officials had become disillusioned with Kauffman following his ill-conceived change of heart a month ago when he attacked "Quickstrike" Chris Quigley, and I hear that opinions are fairly evenly split over Kauffman's prospects as IIWF World Heavyweight Champion in the light of his announcement. Kauffman has certainly stacked the deck against himself for his final few weeks in active competition. Although he will have completed working out his notice in a number of other federations in the near future, he is lobbying the IIWF front office for a series of matches against the other top stars in the federation, a kind of "Dan Kauffman farewell tour", if you will. No word yet as to whether the front office will accept the idea, but I can reveal that Kauffman's World belt -- now back in his possession, bizarrely thanks to the assistance of the "Outlaw" J.W. Hardin -- will be defended in a most unusual manner next Saturday Night. An extraordinary meeting of the IIWF's Special Concerns Committee late last night held behind closed doors in IIWF Towers has resulted in the sanctioning of a unique double championship match next Saturday Night. Although this announcement has yet to be made official, it is my understanding that IIWF World Champion Dan Kauffman and the Players' Club will tag up to face IIWF World Tag Team Champions the Dark Disciples and Casey "Blackheart" James -- with both titles at stake. There has been no indication as to the stipulations of this match, but your humble reporter believes that titles will change hands only under very particular circumstances. Casey James must pin Dan Kauffman or force him to submit in order to capture the World title, and either Dynamite or Reyna must pin Kane or Wulf, or make them submit, in order to take the tag belts. If Kauffman pins Wulf, the match will be won, but the tag titles stay with the Dark Disciples. Similarly, if Kane pins Kauffman, the World title stays around Kauffman's waist. My sources also tell me that the IIWF officials' plans to celebrate the IIWF's first birthday continue to develop. This week's big news is that preliminary negotiations are underway with another as yet unnamed promotion for a combined inter-federational event to take place on the weekend of the IIWF's birthday, Saturday 9 May. Although I understand that no titles will be at stake, the champions of the two federations will clash one-on-one, and a Wargames match, akin to that last seen in the IIWF at Ring Wars II last October, is also proposed. More news on this as it develops. Top talent from around the world continues to beat a path to the IIWF's door. In this past week, negotiations have been underway with a number of possible additions to both the singles and tag team ranks, and it is my understanding that two new tag teams have been signed. We should hear more about them in the course of the next week. "Quickstrike" Chris Quigley wasn't happy after his countout loss to Intercontinental Champion Marty Warnett last night. Quigley, who has consistently laid claim to being the best wrestler in the IIWF, did indeed dominate against Warnett for much of the match, but allowed the presence of Deathbringer to distract him from winning his first title shot here in the IIWF. Quigley is reportedly unhappy at the amount of backbiting currently going on in the locker rooms -- apparently, his assertion that he is the best wrestler in the world today is drawing some legitimate heat from a number of other IIWF athletes, and even from some high-ranking officials. As for Deathbringer, the dark destroyer has been uncharacteristically quiet recently. Apparently, the big man is not as immortal as he would like to make out -- I understand that he has been fighting an illness for the past ten days or so. However, that's not enough to keep 'Bringer down, and we should expect to see him back to his old self within the week. Warnett took quite a beating in his first title defense last night, and things don't look like getting any easier for the Party Maniac. He's still having some undisclosed personal problems outside the ring, but as if that wasn't enough, he's also going to be forced to cope with the man he beat for the title a little over a week ago. Steve "the Fury" Kowalski has successfully lobbied the front office for a rematch against Warnett, and I understand that he's intent on seeing a few stipulations added to the match to tip the scales in his favour. Warnett doesn't seem to be on an even keel right now, and it's hard to know how he'll react to Kowalski's demands. I'll keep you posted, folks. Mr. Damage scored possibly the biggest win of his IIWF career last night in one of the most exciting matches of the evening. He triumphed two falls to one over Harlequin Chaos, and then narrowly escaped electrocution at the hands of the Harlequin gang, thanks to Otto Verhoeven and Cheshire. The Harlequins lost the battle, but may have won the war, since Harlequin Melody is back in the fold after her little holiday with the Antipodean athlete. Tragedy and Chaos are now set on battling the German duo of Verhoeven and Cheshire, and I understand that Mr. Damage may fix his sights on the man who claims to be the "Real Deal". Time will tell. Just who was that man at ringside last night who bore an uncanny resemblance to the late great Senator? After much investigation, I discovered that the individual who watched the Hangmen defeat the Posse in the Coliseum is in fact the Senator's _son_. I'll be keeping my eye on this situation, folks. What exactly does the mysterious Spur want to achieve in the IIWF? This individual has been competing for less than seven days, and already he has created some interesting situations. He walked out on a certain victory in midweek, ending up with a countout loss, and was then amenable to the approaches of Steve Roberts to cheap shot Ronnie Paris last night. Spur refuses to speak to anybody, but I don't mind telling you that I've seen him at close quarters, and he has a mean streak a mile wide. The White Phoenix has returned to the IIWF, but I noticed something last night which might prove to be significant. Gone are Shinja Chow's white pants, replaced by all-black ring attire. Knowing Chow as I do, there's a lot of symbolism wrapped up in this change of appearance. At the moment, probably only former friend the "Enigma" Takezo Musashi truly understands what it all means, given that he felt the Phoenix strike last night in the Coliseum. Last night was also a bad one for the People's Champion, the Subway Psycho. Losing his match to Lord Byron when he was knocked out cold by the Englishman's cane, the Psycho went on a rampage backstage before disappearing into the sewers of downtown Oregon. Hopefully he'll surface again soon -- he called out Dan Kauffman last week, and from what I understand, Kauffman would be more than happy to face him in the ring. We got our first -- and possibly last -- look at the controversial Kurt Manning last night. It seems only fitting that the self-proclaimed best announcer should eventually find his way to the best federation in the world, but I understand that the front office wasn't too pleased by Manning's references to homosexual pornography on live national television last night, and may be considering barring him from all future IIWF events. I'll be honest with you, fans -- I wouldn't miss him at all. Fans, that's all from me for this week. I'll be back next Sunday night with another update, featuring all the latest behind the scenes news, and speculation from the IIWF. Until then, this is Tim Dross, saying: so long, and thanks for calling. ----------------------------- OPTION #2: "Soundbite" Speaks ----------------------------- Let's get one thing straight, right off the bat. I'm no coward. People came up to me in the street today and accused me of chickening out of facing widdle Wonnie Pawis in the ring last night. I was ready to kick Paris' ass all over the Coliseum, believe you me, but my doctor simply wasn't going to let me compete, and I could jeopardise not only my health but also my livelihood if I injured myself by taking Paris to another level in the ring. For one thing, Paris simply isn't worth the effort. He's just another nobody who'll fade from the ring wars having accomplished nothing. And not one person will lament his passing -- certainly not me. Mad Dog Watkins, on the other hand. I do have something to say to you, big man. Nobody, and I mean _nobody_, takes a shot at Steve Roberts and gets away with it. But I have to admire your courage. You've got the guts to badmouth one of the all-time greats, a guy whose talent and skill you can't even dream of matching, and all because you want to get your hands on another guy bad enough. And since we share a common enemy -- widdle Wonnie -- I'm going to cut you a break and call it quits between us. As for hitting your stride, Watkins... it ain't over until it's over, big man. I understand that more than one IIWF superstar may want to unleash their furious anger on you after your little tirade last night. Speaking of religious fanatics -- which we weren't, but who cares? -- short-lived one-time IIWF wrestler -- although I use the term loosely -- "Superman" Mike Stewart has been kicking up a fuss in the past couple of days. Stewart, one of the biggest cry-babies I've ever had the misfortune of coming into contact with, made an unsolicited phonecall to the IIWF President earlier this week and proceeded to criticise him for having a huge ego. From what I hear, Stewart had been begging the front office for a number of months to try and get himself back into the IIWF, even attempting to land a contract by using a number of different pseudonyms. However, the scouts were unimpressed by his commitment, since he seemed to regard wrestling more as a hobby than a career -- particularly given that he had walked out on his first IIWF contract after a matter of days. The net result? They told Stewart to take a long walk off a short pier. A few weeks pass, and the front office receives the odd phonecall from Stewart now and again, each time lowering his contractual demands for pay and appearances, but officials wouldn't take the bait. A few more weeks pass, and then, out of the blue, Stewart manages to get through to the IIWF President on his direct line and launches an unprovoked attack on ol' Dictator Danny. Now, while it's common knowledge that our "esteemed" President has his own agenda here in the IIWF, for Stewart to criticise the Prez on the grounds of having an ego problem is rich indeed. The best part of all this, of course, is that Stewart then decided to retire from wrestling altogether again the next day. I overheard IIWF Vice-President Steve Owens, talking on the phone, comment that the Mike Stewart comeback tour might have a little difficulty shifting tickets next time around. A few quick words on the "Lone Wolf" Brody Thunder. Brody, I know you're a man of honour, and you believe in an eye for an eye, but your ranking is taking even more of a beating than you are in your feud with the Syndicate. I don't think recruiting the Losers' Club to your cause is going to help, big man. I hear a rumour that now you want Tiger Flaw in a Texas Death Match. I don't know what the situation between Flaw and the Syndicate is, but you should really be asking yourself whether you're holding yourself up on the ladder to the World title by wasting so much time on Tiger Flaw. Flaw's best days are past him, and if he doesn't have Brian Lau behind him, he's going nowhere fast. Don't let him take you down with him. And as for the "Outlaw" J.W. Hardin -- champ, talk Thunder around. He's the nearest thing the IIWF's seen to you since you jetted off to the easy money in Europe. Pass the torch, champ. I haven't got anything else to say to you morons. But thanks for lining our pockets anyway. I'm "Soundbite" Steve Roberts, and you've been listening to my words of wisdom. More next week, if I deem you worthy. Until then, the pleasure has been all yours. ----------------------- OPTION #3: Can We Talk? ----------------------- Hello there, and thanks for choosing option #3. I'm Larry Morton, and each week I lurk in the locker rooms and potter around the parking lots in the hopes of capturing some words of wisdom from the IIWF superstars. I'm usually beaten to it by my esteemed colleague, Tim Dross, and so have to settle for asking silly questions like the following: WHICH IIWF SUPERSTAR WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO PELT WITH ROTTEN VEGETABLES, AND WHY? - KURT MANNING: "Hey, what kinda question is that? How can I narrow it down to just one?!" - OTTO VERHOEVEN: "Now why would the Butcher want to pelt someone with vegetables? I'd rather pelt some of those pathetic Americans with some good old right hooks, left crosses or a nice little uppercut." - NURSE HEIDI: "I vould use these rotten things on Chris Quigley or the Subway Psycho, because it vould probably improve the way they smell." - KURT MANNING: "Chris Quigley for starters... maybe one would get caught in his mouth and do the whole IIWF a favour." - "ENIGMA" TAKEZO MUSASHI: "I would not dishonour any of my opponents by throwing rotten vegetables at them. I prefer to settle my differences with a foe in hand-to-hand combat like a true samurai." - NIGHTWING: "Vegetables are a gift from the earth spirit and should not be wasted on troubled souls. Even rotten vegetables are valuable as compost. Waste is a trait of the white man." - MARTY WARNETT: "The late-lamented Bobby Lincoln. Oh, you meant _superstar_. Well, I guess there's Quigley, the Syndicate, the Players' Club. Food fights rock. Blancmange ain't rotten vegetables, but I'd like to pelt Becks with it..." - KURT MANNING: "Of course, there's something to be said for smacking Marty Warnett with a few rotten vegetables. Although I think FRUIT would be more suitable... [laughs]" - "SYCHOSYS" JOE PETROW: "Randy Acorn. I already threw a squash at him last week, so I might as well finish the job. Hey! Acorn... Squash... acorn squash! HAHAHAHAHAHA! [Joe's voice trails off in intense laughter]" - MR. DAMAGE: "Maybe you should rephrase the question to who I _wouldn't_ throw rotten vegetables at. Basically, I hate pretty much each and every meathead involved in this stinking promotion. There are a few exceptions, like the Hangman or Lord Byron. But Marty Warnett, Steve Kowalski and Cheshire, the Harlequins would all get a mouldy old melon in the face from me." - KURT MANNING: "Dan Kauffman? Please, the man's a walking target. I'd love to make him Mr. Potato Head. [laughs]" - DARK DISCIPLES: Kane: Rotten vegetables? I would throw something far, far more disgusting than rotten vegetables... Wulf: Throwing rotten heads is more our style. In fact, I want to add two more rotten heads to our rotten head collection. Dynamite and Reyna, it would be a pleasure to see your pretty faces gnawed by maggots and covered with fungus... Kane: And then we would throw Dynamite and Reyna's heads at Joe Petrow, for stealing our tag team belts, or Domination, for being a couple of fat, weak, lemmings. - ARMED FORCES: NavCom: I'd like to hit Mr. Mic with a little produce myself. He sent his cronies in there to cost us enough matches, and the title match, that I wouldn't mind hitting him with something more productive than just produce, if you know what I mean. DefCon: Well, I don't know about IIWF superstars, but I'd really love to just nail Saddam over there for what he did in the Gulf. I was in Kuwait for awhile trying to clean up that mess... boy did they have it rough. It was a tragedy. - RONNIE PARIS: "Well, I don't advocate throwing rotten foodstuffs, but if I had to choose, I'd probably pick Otto Verhoeven. I understand that's considered a compliment in Germany... Actually, I'd say Steve Kowalski, for costing me that Iron Man match." - LORD BYRON: "The 'Dirt Dog'. He looks like he could do with a feed. And of course, teaching DeWinter a little humility wouldn't go amiss either." - LADY DeWINTER: "Who do you think? Byron! He needs to be taught some humility. And Becky LaRue." - THE CORPORATION: Creed: [arms crossed, stony silence] CEO: We'd have to say Monster, from Domination. Not out of any personal animosity toward him or his partner -- Creed just feels that his lack of pigment may be symptomatic of a vitamin deficiency. If we had any old kumquats or a squash or two lying around, we'd certainly toss them Monster's way for the Vitamin D alone. That's just the kind of guys we are at the Corporation. - "REAL DEAL" LUKE STEELE: "Well, it'd be a toss-up. There's old Brody Thunder, who I owe for this lengthly break from pro wrestling. And then there's Tiger Claw, who I owe for a tainted victory." - KURT MANNING: "Deathbringer! Now THERE'S an idea! Rotten vegetables for the rotting carcass! Or even better... Subway Psycho! Rotten vegetables for the plain old rotten wrestler! [laughs]" - RISING SUN REVOLUTION: Ryudo: [translates for Hiroshi] Who would we most like to pelt with rotten vegatables? I guess it'd have to be... Hiroshi: [yells something in Japanese] Ryudo: Yeah, of course, but I really think that... [Hiroshi yells something else, counting on his fingers] Ryudo: Yeah, yeah. You're right. Them too. [Hiroshi grins and says another name, waggling his eyebrows] Ryudo: Hold on, I don't agree with that one... - STEVE "THE FURY" KOWALSKI: "That's in' easy! The "Party Enema" Marty Warnett! The scumbag could use a tomata upside the head. Now, do ya have anythin' important to ask me?" - "REAL DEAL" LUKE STEELE: "To tell you the truth, just line 'em up and I'll pelt 'em all. Syndicate, Stetson, Thunder, anyone. Batter up." - "QUICKSTRIKE" CHRIS QUIGLEY: "[laughs] Oh geez, that's quite a question. Although I do have an answer: Marty Warnett. Why? Because he seems to represent everything I can't stand in people. The kid needs to be taught a lesson. I'm not sure rotten vegetables would do the trick, but there's your answer." - HIGHWAYMAN: "Rotten vegetables? If this constant interferance in my matches continues, I will be throwing more than vegetables!" - "REAL DEAL" LUKE STEELE: "You know what? Pelting veggies isn't enough. I'd like to beat the hell out of Thunder and Claw in an orchard, give each of them a Real Steele Press from a tree, and then pelt them with the veggies. How's that for symbolism?" - VENUSIAN DEATH CELL: "None of them. What damage can pelting do? No, I'd rather force their mouths open and ram those vegetables straight down. Let them choke. Every one of them." - MAD DOG WATKINS: "Hmmm... how about which IIWF "superstars" I would like to pelt with my fists? I could go on all day with that one." - MR. MIC: "This is an easy one, Dan Kauffman. Why? Because he is a pathetic excuse for a champion. He attacks from behind, runs away, and then hides behind a couple of losers like the Players' Club for protection. It's sad to watch, really." - MAD DOG WATKINS: "Gotta use fruit? Okay... it'd have to be Cheshire. I hate clowns and he plays a really bad one. But it'd have to be with at least a ten pound watermelon." - ZODIAC CONNECTION: Scorpio: On behalf of the Zodiac Connection I would honestly have to say that it would have to be Pain, Inc. Taurus: Just because we don't like them! - THE SANDMAN: "I wouldn't pelt anyone with rotten vegetables, that is so degrading. Not even my worst enemy deserves that, I have too much respect for them. However I'd love to dust a lot of people and I'd say Lord Byron and Marty Warnett are next on my hit list!" - DAN KAUFFMAN: "I don't know if I could call him a superstar, but one well-aimed mouldy, stinking lettuce head into Steve Robert's mouth would bring a smile to my face any day!" - ALEX RIO: "I think that Stetson guy would like pretty nice with the inner contents of a three month old tomato dripping down that ugly little face of his." - MAD DOG WATKINS: "Or that Firestarter boy... what'd Kowalski call him... Serging Anus? Him too." - DIRT DOG UNIQUE ALLAH: "Me, then I could get some damn breakfast in this muhfuh! YEAHHHHHH!" [click] +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= I * I * W * F =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-+ | President: Daniel Spreadbury | Vice-President: Steve Owens | | univ0322@sable.ox.ac.uk | sowens@admin.presby.edu | | iiwf@sisko.demon.co.uk | IIWFadmin@aol.com | +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- http://www.sisko.demon.co.uk -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=+