##### ###### ### ########## ########## ########## #### ## ########## ########## ########## #### # #### ######## ##### ##### #### ## ##### #### #### #### #### ### #### #### #### #### ############# ######### #### #### ########### ######### #### #### #### #### #### ######### ######### ### #### #### ######### ######### ### ## #### ######## ######## ## # #### =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- ## =-=-=-= H + O + T + L + I + N + E #1-900-325-IIWF =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= 2 February 1997 ----------------------------------------------- [click] --------------------------- OPTION #1: The Dross Report --------------------------- Hi there, and welcome to another exclusive hotline update. I'm Tim Dross, and you've reached the Dross Report for February 2, 1997. What a week it's been in the IIWF -- enforced retirements, suspensions, title changes... there's never a dull moment in and around the rings of the world's number one wrestling federation. Obviously, the biggest news this week is the crowning of a new IIWF World Champion last night in a very hard-fought match indeed. Dan Kauffman, the man whose reign as IIWF Champion was longer than that of any other man to wear the belt since the IIWF opened, was defeated by Casey "Blackheart" James in a special six-man tag team Double Championship Match. The Syndicate now really has a stranglehold on the title picture in the IIWF, with both the top championships in their possession. I understand that Brian Lau is looking to expand his stable in the wake of Tiger Claw's departure. Wrestlers sometimes overstep the mark in their pursuit of gold and glory, and this week saw two such incidents occur. First, last Wednesday, we witnessed a sickening attack as the Venusian Death Cell ended the wrestling career of one half of Domination, Mr. Psycho, with a vicious backbreaker over the steel crowd barriers. This attack drove home a shocking truth which many fans and even IIWF employees have seemed to ignore -- that on any given night, any one of the IIWF's superstars could seriously injure or even kill any other. The IIWF President moved quickly to set up a new Disciplinary Committee to act as a preventative measure against further instances of wrestlers losing their tempers and thinking they can get away with it -- but not quickly enough. Just last night, Steve "the Fury" Kowalski brutalised Poutine Janois, the head of the IIWF's Special Concerns Committee, in many ways the IIWF President's right hand man. Sure, Kowalski wasn't happy with the fact that Marty Warnett -- whose personal problems continue to escalate -- no-showed their title match, but his attack on Janois, performing his Skullpump double underhook piledriver on an untrained, middle-aged family man, leaving him in hospital for a number of injuries to his neck and back, was even more shocking than the brutal assault on Mr. Psycho in midweek. And this on the same night that we saw the White Phoenix attempt to maim Serge Annis with a fireball. I understand that there is a certain amount of disagreement in the upper echelons of IIWF Towers concerning the official line to be taken by the league's officials over such incidents. My sources tell me that the IIWF President wishes to see offenders not only heavily fined, but also suspended indefinitely pending an inquiry, but other members of the Executive Committee are reticent to suspend high-drawing athletes for fear of the financial repercussions. I can get no confirmation of this, but it is possible that the Executive Committee are undermining the President's authority by instructing wrestlers to pull out all the stops and shock the world on every event to draw a higher live gate and higher television ratings, in exchange for promises of title shots. In effect, this would mean rewarding acts of extreme violence with titles, which are supposed to represent the pinnacle of sportsmanship and athletic excellence. It's no wonder the IIWF President looks so harrassed these days. As a result of this top-level tussle, neither the Venusian Death Cell, nor Steve Kowalski, has yet been suspended, although both have been fined five-figure sums for their actions. The White Phoenix has also been fined for his attack on Serge Annis last night, which left Annis with second-degree burns to his face and hands. In addition, I understand that Marty Warnett has been called to meet with the IIWF President first thing on Monday morning, and he will certainly face a fine for his non-appearance last night. It is also possible that he will be suspended while the nature of his personal problems is ascertained -- a decision that would almost certainly result in Warnett forfeiting the Intercontinental Championship he has worked so hard for. There is no immediate solution to this problem. The IIWF President is faced with the task of balancing the demands of the commercial audience with the safety of the IIWF's wrestlers and other employees. I'll keep you posted on further developments. I came across a very interesting leaked document earlier this week. Many IIWF front office workers have been wondering why they have been instructed to scout out and sign up as many top-class tag teams as possible in the past few weeks. Just this past week, we have seen the debuts of the W & W Express and Night Patrol, and a third team, Cold Spell, has been signed to debut next week. On top of that, the Harlequins have now been asked to concentrate on tag team competition from this point on. The reason for this expansion in the tag ranks is two-fold: firstly, the Executive Committee perceives that one area in which other leagues are more successful than the IIWF is in the area of tag team action, and this is a situation that it is keen to redress, hoping that by making available more funds for signing new tag talent, the ratings will be bolstered; and secondly, there are plans to institute a secondary tag team championship in the very near future. Apparently, details have been thrashed out in top-level meetings over the past few days, and I can tell you the following: the new belts will be the IIWF United States Tag Team Championships, and they will be officially sanctioned at some point in the next two weeks. The IIWF President will announce how the first champions will be decided, and I understand that the belts will be awarded for the first time at Ring Wars III on March 22. More news as I get it. I reported last week that negotiations were well-advanced with another federation for some kind of talent exchange agreement leading up to an inter-federational event on May 17 to commemmorate the IIWF's first birthday. Unfortunately, these negotiations have hit a few snags, apparently revolving around the conflict of interests of a few wrestlers under contract with both organisations. The IIWF President is still keen for this agreement to reach fruition, but according to my sources, things don't look good. The President may attempt to sweet-talk his counterpart over the next few weeks in order to get negotiations back on track. The unacrimonious departure of Alex Rio earlier this week has triggered warning bells in the IIWF front office. Apparently, certain officials are fuming over the fact that the standard contract has too many loopholes and get-out clauses based on winning percentages and purse money. They are looking into ways to tighten up the contracts to prevent talent from walking in and out as quickly as Rio did, collecting a big lump payment for signing the contract and escaping without paying comparable compensation. I hear a rumour that "Superstar" Stud Stetson may be next to exercise his get-out clause, as he is apparently very unhappy about the way he is currently being handled by officials, a dissatisfaction that was reflected in his defeat to Billy Shakespeare in midweek -- largely, surprise surprise, thanks to Alex Rio. That's all from me for this week, folks. I'll be back next Sunday with all the latest behind the scenes rumour and speculation. Until then, this is Tim Dross, saying: so long, and thanks for calling. ----------------------------- OPTION #2: "Soundbite" Speaks ----------------------------- Don't even think about hanging up! For one thing, if you do, you'll miss out on the pearls of wisdom of the greatest announcer -- hell, and the greatest wrestler -- in the world today, "Soundbite" Steve Roberts. And for another, we want your money. I bet you can just feel your wallet lightening as I speak, huh? Dan Kauffman found himself a great deal lighter last night, as I predicted -- not only from having his precious IIWF World Heavyweight Championship taken away from him by Casey "Blackheart" James, a man who is sure to hold that title with more class and dignity than Kauffman ever did, but also from losing about three quarts of blood in the ring thanks to the Dark Disciples -- who are now once again the rightful owners of the charred and disfigured IIWF World Tag Team Championship belts, which they reclaimed from the Players' Club last night after the show went off air. Dynamite and Reyna were so beaten up that they could only watch as Kane and Wulf simply plucked their belts out of their grasp. Seems like last night was a pretty bad one for the Players' Club. Back to the drawing board, boys. Of course, that title change last night has a great many implications for the main event at Ring Wars III, which was officially announced last Saturday. Thousands of advance tickets have already been sold for the IIWF's next pay-per-view event, which will... yadda yadda... you know damn well when it's going to happen. Anyway, I wouldn't be surprised if Ticketmaster get calls from a whole bunch of people asking for refunds now that we're not going to get the chance to see "Hot air" Chris Kick-Me wrestle Danny Kauffman for the title in the Skydome. Of course, that would only be Kick-Me's skinflint family, but still... a buck's a buck to the suits in the front office. It seems that whenever the IIWF Championship changes hands, that stinking moron, the Subway Psycho, rears his ugly head. Last night was no exception, as he came running down to the ring to save Kauffman's sorry ass before Casey James was quite done making sure Kauffman had to retire a lot sooner than Ring Wars III. From what I hear, the People's Chump wants to get himself back into title contention -- but I'd be surprised if Casey James will want to waste his time on a moron like the Psycho. If the Stinker wants the title, he's going to have to get Casey James' attention. What's with Warty Walnut recently? The witless Welsh wonder has been having more mood-swings than a rollercoaster the past few weeks, and from what I hear, it's the knockout combination of happy pills and alcohol that's producing these violent changes of temperament. Don't get me wrong, when Farty nearly kicked Dross out of a window in IIWF Towers last week, I was loving every minute of it, but Walnut should be wary of the dangerous precedent set by the Man Of Squeal, whose fall from grace was so spectacular late last year. And speaking of spectacular, wasn't it great when Steve Kowalski Skullpumped that worthless suit, Poutine Janois, last night? Janois is resting up in hospital now in traction, so the good news is that he won't be running down to ringside and making any more ridiculous decisions for the forseeable future. The bad news, however, is that this is likely to result in ol' Dictator Danny being on hand for live events on a regular basis once more. Prez Dan had better beware of running into the Fury, though. Kowalski is steamed at Warnett's no-show last night, and he's seeking retribution in a big way. Nobody in the IIWF is safe. Lord Byron scored the biggest victory of his IIWF career last night when he defeated "Hot air" Chris Kick-Me. That's two defeats in as many weeks for Kick-Me, whose record has hitherto been pretty much exemplary in the IIWF. I hate to break it to ya, Chrissy, but you've had this coming for a long time. You can only sit back on your laurels and claim to be the best for so long before you get knocked right off. If you're the best, where's the gold around your waist, huh? I think you're going to find that Deathbringer tests your claims to their fullest extent when you clash in the ring. But before the Dark Destroyer can finish the job, you've set yourself up for another certain defeat by agreeing to face "Sychosys" Joe Petrow in a one-count match next Saturday Night? Excuse me, Chrissy, but your ego has certainly written you a cheque your body can't cash this time. You've just blown away your only chance at beating Kauffman before ol' Danny boy retires by putting it on the line against Petrow. Bad move, Chris. Bad move. What a great victory for the "Lone Wolf" Brody Thunder last night. I mentioned last week that Thunder needed to put an end to his meaningless feud with Tiger Flaw as quickly as possible so he could start concentrating on getting some gold around his waist, and with his win in that Texas Death Match in the Coliseum, I think we've seen the last of the dispute between Thunder and Flaw, who'll no doubt be off in some seedy sushi bar licking his wounds. Too bad you turned your back on Brian Lau, Flaw. You're all washed up now. As for Thunder, though, I hear that he's got a little unfinished business with Willy Pukespeare. Brody, a word to you, my man -- don't get involved with Pukespeare. You can kick the guy's ass from Oregon to Arizona and back again, but the little runt keeps coming back for more. He can pull off a victory out of nowhere, and even when he's injured, he somehow manages to stay in the thick of things. He could dent your win/loss record even more, "Lone Wolf", and that could dent your title hopes, too. Serge Annis. Two words that are associated with more forms of neurosis than any others, save for "Larry Morton." Last night, Annis cut himself open before his match with Deathbringer just to give himself an interesting make-up job. The White Phoenix then thought he'd get in on the act and make the make-up job even more interesting. Charred flesh, anyone? I'm beginning to like the Phoenix more and more every time I see him since his return from China a week or so ago. I don't know much about that Sun Tsi guy, but whatever he's telling Chow, it seems to be working. The "Enema" had better be guarding that Cruiserweight title day and night, 'cause the Phoenix is gonna swoop for it very soon. I'm through with you morons for another week. Remember, you heard it here first. Until next week, this is "Soundbite" Steve Roberts, signing off. ----------------------- OPTION #3: Can We Talk? ----------------------- Hello there, folks. Thanks for choosing option 3. I'm Larry Morton, and I've been speaking with the superstars of the IIWF over the past week to get their answers to a topical question. This week, in the light of Dan Kauffman's announcement last week that he would be retiring after Ring Wars III, I asked: WHICH IIWF SUPERSTAR WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE RETIRE? - AMERICAN PATRIOT: "Otto Verhoeven, but not until I beat the living crap out of him!" - KURT MANNING: "Let's make this simpler. Which IIWF superstar _wouldn't_ I like to see retire?! That would be "Nifty" Ned Norton. Of course he'd have to face me to determine a new IIWF World Champion. I imagine it would be a competitive match. [laughs]" - SANDMAN: "I don't want to see anyone retire. I want time to kick all their asses and send them into retirement. That means you, Marty Warnett, and anyone who stands in my way of getting the IC title." - CASEY JAMES: "Hell, I already forced Joe Latta to retire..." - CHRIS QUIGLEY: "I think wanting a wrestler to retire is a bit drastic. If the other wrestlers of the IIWF love what they do even half as much as I do, retirement would be basically a living hell. I don't wish retirement on my worst enemy, unless of course, it was something they wanted to do, like with Kauffman." - SERGE ANNIS: "I would say the face of death, Deathbringer, but according to him he will never die for he is immortal..." - "SYCHOSYS" JOE PETROW: "Majestic Maurice McArthur. Last week, the man reached the pinnacle of his career. And as we all know, once you reach that pinnacle, your life is basically over, and it's best to just drop out of everything. Right, Dan?" - DAN KAUFFMAN: [Sarcastically] "Thanks for making me feel better guys... Chris came up with this question, eh? I'll personally thank him for that question later... Who would I most like to see retire? Actually, I'm the answer to that, so there you go." - SERGE ANNIS: "I would definitely not say Dan Kauffman. I want him to stick around at least until he and I have the appropriate setting for a match... but he better make it before he retires..." - BRIAN LAU: "I'd like to see myself retire one day... With lots and lots of money to make me happy." - THE WHITE PHOENIX: "Whoever I get my hands on next." - NIGHT PATROL: DK: Retire? Well, they're new and all, but I think the Wanker & Waste Express can pack it in... we showed that the other evening. BH: That little party punk Marty Warnett gets on my nerves... he should go back to Wales and play rugby or some other hooligan activity... JB: I'd say that anyone would be in a mood to retire after fighting us. - "DESIRABLE" DANNY DYNAMITE: "Isn't it obvious who SHOULD retire?! Chris Quigley! The boy has been running his mouth more than a ex-wife trying to get alamony!" - CASEY JAMES: "Didn't Stud Stetson retire Marty Warnett? Get it? Re-tire? The car? Never mind..." - BRIAN LAU: "Actually, to be honest, I could retire right now, but what would I do with my time?" - SPUR: "I'm taking care of that matter right now." - DIRT DOG UNIQUE ALLAH: "Joe Petrow and I'm a do somethin' about that style bitin' muhfuh soon! YEAH!" - STEVE "THE FURY" KOWALSKI: "Right off the bat, I'd have to say "Trash" Kauffman. I'm tired of him tryin' to draw attention to himself. If ya wanna retire, get the hell out! This is a sport for men." - "BADBOY" RANDY ACORN: "Retire, huh? Well, I truly believe that Takezo Musashi should go back to his own country. Now, I don't know if that's considered retirement, but I'd be damn happy." - "SPOTLIGHT" BILLY SHAKESPEARE: "I've been lucky so far. Moondust is gone, LeBec is gone, Lincoln is gone. I wouldn't miss Brody Thunder much." - CASEY JAMES: "That Creed guy could use a good retirement..." - STEVE "THE FURY" KOWALSKI: "American Patriot! Any man that hides behind a mask an' claims he's pro-in' American is full of ! Take the mask off, Ya patsy!" - ZODIAC CONNECTION: TA: Retirement is for cowards! Stay in and fight like the men you all claim to be! SC: Don't quit before we get to you. You wouldn't want to make the big man angry! - MR. MIC: "Easy, the Zodiac Connection. I mean they're not of any value to this sport so they might as well just get the hell out! They can then worship the sign of the pension cheque!" - TIGER CLAW: "I don't like to see anyone retire before their time. Nobody in the IIWF is past their prime, so there should be no reason to give up what they love." - "LONE WOLF" BRODY THUNDER: "Who'd I like to see hang 'em up? Hmmm... I guess that tenderfoot Shakespeare. Hell, he takes more beatin' than Wile E.Coyote. He ain't long fer this sport the way I see it. In fact when I'm through with him retirement won't just be an option... it'll be the only option!" - STEVE "THE FURY" KOWALSKI: "Did I mention Kauffman?" - CASEY JAMES: "Dan Kauffman... Yeah, I know he's going to anyway, but I can always try and push that date forward a bit, you know?" - "LONE WOLF" BRODY THUNDER: "How 'bout that punk Tiger Claw? Hell, if he retires then James an' his goons won't have anybody to run interference fer. Maybe then they'd all hafta retire..." - TIGER CLAW: "It's unfortunate to see Dan Kauffman go. He has many years ahead of him. At least he can still perform. He's not some 50 year old buffoon with too much pride to be able to admit that his body has failed him." - "BADBOY" RANDY ACORN: "Definitely "Quickstrike" Chris Quigley. All I gotta say is you can Quickstrike your ass out of here." - VENUSIAN DEATH CELL: "Well, there's the Welsh punk Marty Warnett. No, then there'd be no jobbers left... What about Mr Psycho..? But then again, I guess he already has." - MAD DOG WATKINS: "How about which IIWF wrestler I'm going to make retire?" - CASEY JAMES: "So Dan's taken care of... I wouldn't mind seeing Chris Quigley throw in the towel. Maybe I can help with that one too." - "LONE WOLF" BRODY THUNDER: "Or maybe that paper champion pretty-boy Danny Kauffman. Aw, that's right... he IS retirin'. Who says miracles don't happen? Heheheh..." - HIGHWAYMAN: "Me. Once I've rid the federation of this cancerous growth of rulebreakers. Consider this your last warning, Justice WILL be served on all those who flout the rules, and it will be by the hands of the Highwayman!" - PRINCE ABDUL AKMAR: "I would say Mr Mic and Pain Inc. but we have so much fun watching them lose every week." - MR. DAMAGE: "Sorry, did you say which wrestler would I retire? Well, I've been known to end a few careers. I'd like to end Marty Warnett's or the Subway Psycho's. Real Deal, I would like to see retire before he even really starts his career, as I proved last Wednesday..." - RISING SUN REVOLUTION: Ryudo: Retire? Why would we want to see anyone here retire? The competition is at its hottest! All we want to do is go out and face the best. That's what we came to the IIWF for, and that's what we'll do. [Hiroshi says something in Ryudo's ear.] Ryudo: [embarrassed] But of course, if the A-Boys keep teaching him that kind of stuff... - CASEY JAMES: "Actually, come to think of it, there's a _lot_ of guys in the IIWF that I'd like to see retire, and I'd like to be the guy to retire them..." - LADY DeWINTER: "Becky Larue. Her entire attitude is a complete disgrace. She and Byron belong together. I hope they raise a nice litter." - MAD DOG WATKINS: "If they are thinking about retiring, then line 'em up with ol' Mad Dog... I'll help 'em make up their minds real quick." - STEVE "THE FURY" KOWALSKI: "!" [click] +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= I * I * W * F =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-+ | President: Daniel Spreadbury | Vice-President: Steve Owens | | univ0322@sable.ox.ac.uk | sowens@admin.presby.edu | | iiwf@sisko.demon.co.uk | IIWFadmin@aol.com | +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- http://www.sisko.demon.co.uk -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=+