##### ###### ### ########## ########## ########## #### ## ########## ########## ########## #### # #### ######## ##### ##### #### ## ##### #### #### #### #### ### #### #### #### #### ############# ######### #### #### ########### ######### #### #### #### #### #### ######### ######### ### #### #### ######### ######### ### ## #### ######## ######## ## # #### =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- ## =-=-=-= H + O + T + L + I + N + E #1-900-325-IIWF =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= 9 February 1997 ----------------------------------------------- [click] --------------------------- OPTION #1: The Dross Report --------------------------- Hello, fans, and thanks for calling the IIWF Hotline. I'm Tim Dross, and you're listening to the update for Sunday 9 February. What action it was in the Coliseum last night at the special "Rage in the Cage" event. In this week's Dross Report, 'll be talking about the aftershocks of that incredible card, looking ahead to Ring Wars III, and reporting the latest front office rumours. Speaking of which, it appears that the IIWF has signed deals with a number of affiliates to add yet another syndicated show to their weekly schedules. This week will already see the debut of the new quick-fire interview show, Monday Musings, but I understand that the IIWF will be broadcasting seven days a week beginning tomorrow night. Check your local listings for details of a new show to air this Thursday night in most areas -- a special Classic IIWF presentation, featuring one of the dozens of great matches from the IIWF's video archives. Every expense has been spared in repackaging these incredible bouts just as they were originally broadcast. Far be it from me to accuse the Board of Directors to be looking for every money-spinner they can find at the moment, but this reeks of greed -- or desperation. It certainly appears that the front office is keen to bring in as much money as possible at the moment. I've been doing a little digging, and my sources indicate that while live event attendances are holding steady, television revenue is sky-rocketing as the IIWF's programming continues to enter new markets on a weekly basis. So there's no cause for financial concern there. I can only imagine that the Board of Directors has something very big planned -- and one weak rumour I have heard suggested that the IIWF may be preparing to launch a takeover bid on a competing wrestling promotion. I've been unable to get any confirmation of this, but I'll keep you informed right here. The IIWF President, meanwhile, last night announced more matches for the IIWF's next pay-per-view event, Ring Wars III. As well as Dan Kauffman's titanic battle with Chris Quigley, we will see IIWF Champion Casey James face off against the Subway Psycho, Intercontinental Champion Marty Warnett battle Lord Byron, and in the IIWF's first ever Ladder Match, Cruiserweight Champion "Enigma" Takezo Musashi will defend against the White Phoenix. Add to that the final of the tournament to crown the first ever IIWF United States Tag Team Champions, a tournament which is set to get underway this week, and the card is already shaping up to be something special. However, I can reveal that contracts are close to being signed for a number of other matches -- most interestingly, a so-called "Dead Man Rising" Four Corners match, pitting four of the IIWF's biggest and meanest men against one another. Without mentioning any names, the athletes currently slated to appear in this match are a couple of newcomers, the eponymous dead man, and another unbalanced individual who likes to say it with flowers. The IIWF President will have more news on the Ring Wars III card over the next week or two. Fans, you won't want to miss this incredible event, not least for Dan Kauffman's retirement match with Chris Quigley. Kauffman was apparently highly gratified at the positive crowd reaction he received in the Coliseum last night in his narrow defeat at the hands of Billy Shakespeare -- a main event more exciting than any other I can remember on free television for a very long time. And no men in green tights anywhere to be seen. Speaking of Billy Shakespeare, I was surprised to hear from a reliable source that he has been sighted in the locker room with none other than Spur. The mysterious newcomer, who gave a short exposition of his aims last night on LaRue's Lair, is still wrestling on a match-by-match basis, and currently has a challenge on the table for Ronnie Paris. Perhaps Spur was asking Shakespeare for a few hints on how to beat the highly-touted rookie. In a curious twist to the Spur saga, may I draw your minds back to last Wednesday night, when "Real Deal" Luke Steele found his wrestling tights shredded before his match with the American Patriot... Far be it from me to start idle speculation, but having seen the tights up close, it appeared that they were shredded by -- you got it -- a spur. What an impressive victory for the IIWF World Tag Team Champions, the Dark Disciples, last night, cleanly -- if a little brutally -- defeating Domination thanks to their punishing tactics. While I understand that Mistress, manager of Domination, is already lobbying the front office for a rematch, it seems that the booking committee has other ideas. It seems that the Disciples' next opponents will be the Zodiac Connection, who took a right royal beating at the hands of the newly-formed Team Brutality -- about whom more in a moment -- last night. While the win/loss record of the Zodiacs isn't exactly stellar, apparently the suits in the front office are keen to reward Scorpio and Taurus for all the work they put in outside the ring as good-will ambassadors for the IIWF to charities and schools. Equally, it can't be denied that the presence of Gemini, notably absent from ringside last night, has turned their fortunes around. Whether or not a title reign is in their stars, however, remains to be seen. Team Brutality. Initially, it might seem like an unusual partnership. On the one hand, you have the mock nobility of Mr. Mic, the thinly-veiled mob mentality of Hades, and the highly-dangerous Morningstar and Hellraiser; on the other, you have the charming and scheming Asst. DA Hawking, and her two less-than-bright donut-chomping ex-cops. But think about it, folks -- there's a lot of brain behind this brawn. While Keene, Blazer, Morningstar and Hellraiser will never make great brain surgeons, they're more than capable of beating seven shades out of practically anybody who gets in their way. Team Brutality has reportedly made the new United States Tag Team Championship its goal -- we'll see about that. Okay, folks, that's all from me for this week. I'll be back next Sunday night with another update, bringing you all the news, rumour, gossip and speculation from the locker rooms and the front office. Until then, this is Tim Dross, saying: thanks for calling, and so long. ----------------------------- OPTION #2: "Soundbite" Speaks ----------------------------- Well, hello there, you moron. Once again you line the pockets of the IIWF's faceless paymasters and marketeers, willing to shell out $12.95 per minute just to come that little bit closer to the greatness of the best announcer and the best wrestler in the world today -- and no, I'm not talking about Chris "Kick Me" Quigley. Quigley looked like a complete idiot last night as both Joe Petrow and Casey James managed to make a fool of him. Of course, your average family pet could make Quigley look stupid, but it's always satisfying to see that pierced-navel pretty-boy get his face rearranged by a couple of real men. Of course, Quigley's cut price cosmetic surgery crusade is set to continue in the weeks leading up to Ring Wars III as he challenges both Deathbringer and Otto "the Butcher" Verhoeven to meet him in the ring, one on one. With the Butcher in mind, did you ever wonder what happened to that quack, Dr. Hinterhalt? Well, let's just say that he found himself out on his ear after failing to keep Cheshire's playful hands in check. It seems that the bizarre Cheshire wanted to clown around with Nurse Heidi, and there's nothing guaranteed to bring out the bratwurst in Verhoeven -- brat_worst_, get it? -- than making a move on Heidi. The Butcher can sure be a saurkraut sometimes -- sour kraut, get it? Geez, tough audience. Cheshire and Hinterhalt still appear to be getting on mighty well, though, so all is well in the world. Unless if you're Barry Moron, or whatever his name is. Another guy who's been so quiet lately that you could be forgiven for forgetting about him is former Cruiserweight Champion "Badboy" Randy Acorn. Now, don't get me wrong -- I'm one of Acorn's biggest fans, and always have been -- but since he returned to the IIWF at Snow Brawl last December, Acorn's performances have been sporadic at best, and dismal at worst. His loss to Majestic Maurice McArthur, quickly becoming the IIWF's new wonder-jobber, thanks to Joe Petrow, is surely the lowest point of the swing. Acorn's fortunes will have to take a turn for the better soon, or he could find himself out of the IIWF. Rather like the late "Painbringer" Billy Sexton, who walked out on the IIWF in the days following Snow Brawl without so much as an explanation. Well, leave it to the "Soundbite" to get to the bottom of the situation, as always. I bring you the scoop that Dross couldn't bring you, and all courtesy of simply watching the television. I was flicking through the dead zone of cable television, the no man's land between the public access channels and the twenty-four hour infomercial channel, and stumbled across a few familiar faces in a league that I've mentioned before. I won't mention the name of this rival organisation, save that I think they should really throw in the [CENSORED] and get out of the game now. In any case, whose ugly mug should I see staring out of the screen at me but that of Billy Sexton. It appears that Sexton signed a highly-lucrative contract with this other league, and it also appears that he was guaranteed a fairly major push, since only a couple of weeks after his debut, he triumphed in the singles ranks of a huge round robin tournament. Even more interestingly, having achieved greater success in his two-week tenure in this rival organisation than he ever did in his several-month stint in the IIWF, the nameless rival organisation, otherwise known as [CENSORED], contacted the front offices here at IIWF Towers and agreed to pay compensation for Sexton's broken contract. Can anybody say "poaching"? But what really raised my antennae about this incident is that Sexton apparently didn't have to look outside the IIWF to receive this lucrative offer. This raises all kinds of questions -- is one of the IIWF's officials also working for another organisation and trying to bring down the IIWF from the inside by stealing its talent away from under its nose? Nah, if that were the case, why go for a mediocre mat wrestler like Sexton? If I were poaching talent for another league, I'd go for... er... Marty Warnett, Luke Steele, the American Patriot, and guys like that. No, really, I would. The Sandman created quite a stir last night in the Coliseum, blasting not only Farty Walnut with a chair, but also my main man, Steve "the Fury" Kowalski, robbing Kowalski of the Intercontinental Championship. Kowalski has not, by all accounts, reacted well to this turn of events, and will be looking for the Sandman in the very near future. Fortunately for Kowalski, but unfortunately for the Sandman, the pixie-dust-sprayer isn't a hard man to find -- just take a look down at the morgue. And no, that isn't because he's friends with Deathbringer. Vocabulary lesson number two, kids: can anybody say "stiff"? The Sandman is still adamant that he can take the Intercontinental Championship whenever he wants it, although I feel it's my duty to inform him that titles generally change hands in the middle of the ring, and preferably without the use of a steel chair for the assist. I mentioned a while back that the Syndicate are looking to recruit new members in the next few weeks. The latest word from Brian Lau is that he'll be targeting mature, experienced wrestlers to join the fold. I believe I have a pretty good idea of who is top of Lau's list, but I'd better not let the cat -- or should that be dog? -- out of the bag. Hey, I could go on all night, but why the hell should I tell you everything I know, you lowlife inbred? Go play with the traffic on the freeway, because for this week, "Soundbite" has spoken. I'm outta here. ----------------------- OPTION #3: Can We Talk? ----------------------- Hi there, fans, and thanks for choosing option #3. I'm Larry Morton, and once again it's my pleasure to bring you the answers to the most important and topical questions, straight from the mouths of the IIWF superstars. I've been trailing the athletes all week with my microphone and tape recorder poised, and this is what they had to say for themselves. This week's question: WHO HAS THE BEST FINISHING MANOEUVRE IN THE IIWF? AMERICAN PATRIOT: "I do. Once I hit you with the Patriot Missile, YOU'RE DONE!" "QUICKSTRIKE" CHRIS QUIGLEY: "If you're talking about what is the most effective finisher, I think the Quickstriker can't be beat. It's a simple move to apply, it can be done very quickly, and in some awkward positions, and nobody has escaped it yet. If you're talking about what the best _looking_ finisher is... hell, I don't care." "THE MASTERPIECE" KURT MANNING: "What difference does it make?! None of these pathetic so-called finishing moves could put away Kurt Manning! Now the Masterplex! There is a finishing move! It's impossible to kick out of, and I just look so damn good when I execute it!" DAN KAUFFMAN: "By far, it has to be Musashi's "Starsault Press" finisher. I cringe every time I see that move done, 'cause it could finish BOTH wrestlers' careers in a heartbeat!" THE WHITE PHOENIX: "I must give begrudging respect to Takexo Musashi's Starsault Press, not that it will help him when I get my hands on him." ICEHAWK of COLD SPELL: "The Subway Psycho, without a doubt. I'm really impressed that a guy with his size, and without my years of extensive gymnastics training, can do the Arctic Blast. Well, I guess he calls it the De-Railer, but it is the same thing. I'm trying to use him as an example to convince Fitz that non-Cruiserweights are actually allowed off the mat." THE HARLEQUINS: COMEDY: Tragedy's Tragic Ending, of course. He definitely does it better than Piggly Wiggly Quigley! The way his opponents look when they're face down and screaming is just so FUNNY! CHAOS: I like my Sanitybreaker. No one expects you to pick them up by their head. Steve Kowalski's Skullpump is pretty cool too. MELODY: That Karen Carpenter Deathlock that Cheshire uses. What's he call it? The Hummerizer? CHAOS: Karen Carpenter Deathlock? MELODY: Hey! Sticking her fingers down her throat eventually killed Karen Carpenter! What would you call it? COMEDY: Of course my Comic Relief is pretty cool too, but this federation doesn't have a women's division for me to show you. How can you claim to be number one without a women's division? TRAGEDY: Though his ego doesn't need any more pumping, having been on the recieving end of Lord Byron's Aristoclutch, I must say that I am impressed with it. It's almost inescapable... almost! THE PROPHETS OF RAGE: DEREK: That's easy, look no further than my Zazzy, man. She'll wreck your head. SHADOE: Nobody can soar with the eagles like me on my moonsault elbow drop! Nobody! STEVE "THE FURY" KOWALSKI: "Does anybody else have a finisher? If they do, they ain't used it on me. If they did, I didn't notice." DIRT DOG UNIQUE ALLAH: "I don't know about that, but it damn sure ain't Lord Byron. I turned that muhfuh's sh... uh, his stuff over on him just like that. Yeahhh!" SPOILER of G.W.R.: "Best finisher, huh? Got to be the "Terminus". Or maybe "The end of the line"... Hum, decisions, decisions..." JUDGE ROY BEAN, manager of HANGMEN INC.: "If you have to ask, then I guess you have never had the Hangman's Noose applied." RONNIE PARIS: "I like technical wrestling, so from a purely technical standpoint I'd have to say either the Aristoclutch, or Chris Quigley's Quickstriker. Although, that Starsault Press looks pretty impressive, I have to say. If I have to pick one, I'll go with the Quickstriker." SPOILER of G.W.R.: "On reflection, I'm going to have to say... Do I have to pick someone else's?" "BADBOY" RANDY ACORN: "What the hell kind of question is that?! I do, of course." "SYCHOSYS" JOE PETROW: "Majestic Maurrice McArthur, and his patented 'lie there and let somebody else win the match for you'. Sheer brilliance!" SPOILER of G.W.R.: "No, it's no good. It's "the end of the line". End of story." REQUIEM: "Who has the best "finishing move"? That question matters little to me. I am concerned with the state of the soul of a man, not how he finishes a match. However, were I to be pressed upon the issue, I would say Shinja Chow. I am impressed with his "Phoenix Strike". But beware, Shinja Chow -- your master is leading you to a darkness that even the bright flames of a Phoenix cannot dispel. The Phoenix Strike will not protect you." STEVE "THE FURY" KOWALSKI: "The SKULLPUMP. Fastest way to send yer ass to yer head, free of charge. CASEY JAMES: "Duh... Me! The Black Death brought me the World Title!" TIGER CLAW: "The Derailer is a formidable finisher. Take it from someone who has felt it." MAD DOG WATKINS: "I'm sick and tired of these damn questions... but if you want an answer, why don't you go ask Kowalski? Maybe he'll Skullpump you." STEVE "THE FURY" KOWALSKI: "I guess I do like the Venusian Death Cell's whiskey spit. I'd probably use Old Grand Dad 114, but I would prob'ly drink it up before I ever used it." NIGHT PATROL: HAWKINGS: Of course, my men have an effective finisher in the Police Brutality...but we'll give credit where it's due... KEENE: For instance, I wouldn't want to be on the other end of Pain Inc.'s finisher... BLAZER: But Kowalski made me wince when I saw him Skullpump that suit last week. Marty, I hope you know a good brain surgeon. TIGER CLAW: "The Starsault Press also impresses me, even if it is a risky maneuver." "ENIGMA" TAKEZO MUSASHI: "A perfect finisher blends athletic skill with devestating impact. The Starsault Press is the deadliest combination of those criteria yet devised, no man has ever recovered from its bite, and I doubt any ever will. Remember those words, Shinja Chow... The best submission finisher is Lord Byron's Aristoclutch, it is a materpiece of scientific wrestling. I don't respect the man much, but he is perhaps the best technical wrestler in the world... when he wants to be. For out and out brute power Otto Verhoeven's Slaughterslam is unmatched, except perhaps by Steve Kowalski's Skullpump piledriver, both moves by which success is measured in broken bodies." CASEY JAMES: "I've got to admit, I've always kind of liked Otto Verhoeven's Slaughterslam and the Meathook Slam." DARK DISCIPLES: KANE: Well, I've always been partial to Casey James' Blackheart punch. Ever since Joe Latta stumbled in front of a few of those he seems to have trouble getting out of bed. Must have something to do with those tubes sticking out of his body. WULF: Who cares about finishers? I'm never finished with my enemies until they have been trampled into a bloody pulp. Well, not even then, I can usually find a few more nasty things to do with them back at the lair. Even the most crippled and unconscious fools are quite lively with their kicking and screaming about that time! BRIAN LAU: "Whichever finisher brings a title to the Syndicate." THE SANDMAN: "Is this some kind of joke? Fools, me of course. Have you ever seen anyone get up from a Nightmare?" BRODY THUNDER: "How 'bout I show ya who's got the best finisher? Ain't no one yet kicked outta the Thunderbolt, son. That's a fact. An' the way I see it that ain't about to change anytime soon." MR.MIC, manager of PAIN INC.: "Obviously, Pain Inc. does! The Simply Pain and the Demolition Drop are the two most devistating moves in the IIWF... period!" NIGHTWING: "Having watched Takezo Musashi in the ring, I grow more impressed with his skills every day. To fly like he does, it is clear that he is pure of mind and spirit. Surely, his gods have looked on him with favor. I would say that the "Enigma's" Starsault Press is the most impressive finisher in the IIWF." CASEY JAMES: "Or the Skullpump... Any move that puts out that freak, Poutine Janois, has got to be respected." OTTO VERHOEVEN: "My Slaughterslam is one of the most devastating manuevers in the whole wrestling world, but another move I admire has to be Creed's flying super bomb. This athlete truly has impressive talent... for an American." MARTY WARNETT: "Becky LaRue... Nighty night..." [click] +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= I * I * W * F =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-+ | President: Daniel Spreadbury | Vice-President: Steve Owens | | univ0322@sable.ox.ac.uk | sowens@admin.presby.edu | | iiwf@sisko.demon.co.uk | IIWFadmin@aol.com | +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- http://www.sisko.demon.co.uk -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=+