[Fade up on a montage of famous moments from throughout the IIWF's history: Hakiro Matsuoko's missed moonsault from the top of a steel cage; the Outlaw J.W. Hardin and his horde of minions attacking the Subway Psycho with his "People's Champion" award; Dan Kauffman being pinned by Deathbringer after a plancha dive over the ropes to the outside. With each clip, snippets of the original commentary and crowd noise is heard. Soon, however, the soundtrack is drowned out by the introductory music kicking in, and the opening graphics explode onto the screen:] ##### ###### ### ########## ########## ########## #### ## ########## ########## ########## #### # #### ######## ##### ##### #### ## ##### #### #### #### #### ### #### #### #### #### ############# ######### #### #### ########### ######### #### #### #### #### #### ######### ######### ### #### #### ######### ######### ### ## #### ######## ######## ## # #### =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- ## =-=-=-= INTERNATIONAL INTERNET WRESTLING FEDERATION =============================================== C + L + A + S + S + I + C + S ----------------------------------------------- February 13, 1997 [Fade through to an IIWF studio. "Soundbite" Steve Roberts is seated at a desk in front of a bank of small video monitors, each of which is showing footage of various cataclysmic encounters from the IIWF's archives. The shot closes in on his face, and he speaks:] SR: Hey there, morons, and welcome to another money-spinning ratings-winner from the IIWF. I'm "Sounbite" Steve Roberts, and the privilege is all yours as I introduce classic moments from the chequered past of the IIWF here on "IIWF Classics". Each and every week, I'll be highlighting a prominent match from the archives -- matches that changed the course of history, matches that people will be telling their children about, and, as we shall see tonight, matches where Dan Kauffman gets his ass kicked. What better place to start a tour of the archives than with the IIWF's very beginnings at the inaugural pay-per-view spectacular, Coronation Clash, which went down on May 18, 1996. Twenty-four so-called "superstars" -- in actual fact, the only superstars on the card were the Horsemen -- battled it out in a single elimination tournament to crown the first ever IIWF World Heavyweight Champion. Of course, the man who eventually walked out of the Coliseum wearing the belt was none other than the "Outlaw" J.W. Hardin, then a member of the Horsemen, having given a comprehensive beating to both the cripple, Tony Starks, and Dan "Lame Duck" Kauffman, in the Triangle Match finale... which is what you're about to see. Let's go back to that balmy May night to relive one of the greatest moments in IIWF history -- seeing the Outlaw lay Kauffman out with not one, not two, but _three_ Cattle Buster DDTs! [Cut to footage subtitled, "May 18, 1996." The fans in the jam-packed IIWF Coliseum buzzes with anticipation as they await the final match of the evening, which will crown the first ever IIWF World Heavyweight Champion. Tim Dross is seated with "Soundbite" Steve Roberts at the commentary table:] TD: Right now, fans, let's remind ourselves of how our three finalists battled their way to the last hurdle before the biggest prize of them all: [Cut to various scenes from earlier matches in the evening under Dross' commentary.] The Outlaw stormed through the opening round with a victory over snivelling Scott "the Whine" Bloom, and then progressed past the "Angel of the Sun" only thanks to the interference of his fellow Horsemen. He defeated Tiger Claw in the semi-finals to earn his place in the triangle match. Dan "Flash" Kauffman has practically been to hell and back in his quest for the gold - although he progressed quickly into the second round, he injured his knee in his match with Deathbringer, in which he pulled off a stunning pinfall victory. In the semi-finals, his knee injury was further exacerbated, but he progressed past Brad Kinder, despite the interference of the Horsemen. Tony Starks had it easiest of all on his way to the final. He received a bye into the semi-finals, where he battled "Spotlight" Billy Shakespeare. He was victorious by disqualification when poor Billy's jilted admirer Moondust interfered in the match. As far as I'm concerned, this undefeated athlete is the clear favourite in this match. SR: Well, until that idiot President put the Horsemen out of commission, I would be going with my man the Outlaw - but now I'd agree with you, Dross. Starks is going to be the first IIWF World Heavyweight Champion! [While this exchange has been going on, two cages have been erected and lowered into the ring. The ring announcer speaks:] RA: Ladies and gentlemen, in the following match, Flare and Brad "Bodybag" Kinder will be suspended in cages above the ring to prevent their interference. [Big pop. Flare and Bodybag come out accompanied by several referees, who ensure that they enter the cages, which are then locked shut. The crowd gives a big pop as they are raised above the ring to a height of about thirty feet. Spotlights pick out the disgruntled Horsemen inside.] TD: If the Horsemen can interfere from that distance, I'll eat my hat! SR: You don't have a hat, Dross. Why don't you eat your toupee instead? TD: Will you please stop! [The ring announcer takes the ring again:] RA: The following contest is a three-way dance triangle match to crown the first IIWF World Heavyweight Champion! [Big pop.] The rules of this match are as follows: there are no disqualifications and no countouts. Legally, two men may be in the ring at any one time, and the third man must stand in a corner waiting to be tagged in. The match continues until two men have been eliminated by pinfall or submission - the last man standing is the Champion! [Big pop.] SR: Did you catch all those rules, Dross, or was that a bit too complex for you?! TD: [despairingly] Give me a break! RA: Introducing first, hailing from parts unknown and weighing in at 353lbs, the Outlaw! [The Outlaw comes out to a big heel pop.] RA: The second participant, hailing from Staten Island, New York, and weighing in at 269lbs, Tony Starks! [Starks comes out to mixed reactions. Some of the crowd are on their feet in support, others to hurl abuse.] RA: The final participant, hailing from Hagerstown, Maryland, and weighing in at 230lbs, Dan "Flash" Kauffman! [Kauffman comes out to a big face pop. He is still favouring his right knee, and looks generally battered, but the grimace of determination on his face is still intact. All three men stand in the ring, facing one another.] TD: Alright, we're ready to go with his huge matchup! [Ding! Ding! Ding! Starks makes for the ropes, and bows out of the ring, meaning that the Outlaw and Kauffman will start things off. The two legal men lock up, Kauffman getting the early advantage with a side headlock. Outlaw pushes him into the ropes, and leapfrogs him on the way back, then performs a drop toe-hold on Kauffman and applies a leg grapevine, immediately going to work on Dan's injured knee. Kauffman grabs the ropes, and Outlaw breaks the hold. Outlaw repeatedly kicks Kauffman in the knee. He drags Kauffman to his feet and whips him into the ropes, hitting him with a Western lariat on the rebound. Kauffman's head is nearly taken off, and he turns through 360 degrees. Big heel pop as Outlaw stands in the ring over Kauffman. Outlaw stomps Kauffman's knee again, and once more goes for a leg grapevine. Dan inches towards the ropes and manages to grab them. Outlaw releases the hold, and again drags Kauffman to his feet. He whips Dan into the ropes again, but Kauffman grabs hold of the ropes, and slides out of the ring to try and regroup. The Outlaw goes out after him, and kicks him in the midsection. Kauffman is bent double, and the Outlaw capitalises, performing the Cattle Buster onto the arena floor. Big pop.] TD: Oh my! Kauffman has gotta be out after that! SR: That was great, Dross! You could almost hear his skull fracture as his head hit the floor! TD: You're sick, Steve! [Outlaw rolls Kauffman back into the ring, and covers him: 1 - 2 - Kauffman just manages to put a foot on the ropes!] TD: How on earth did Kauffman have the presence of mind to get his feet on the ropes? SR: That loud-mouth ought to have been out of this match right there! [Outlaw drags Kauffman to his feet and whips him into the ropes. The two men collide in the centre of the ring with a double clothesline. Both go down. Kauffman begins to stir, and rolls towards the corner where Starks is standing. Just as the Outlaw makes a lunge for Kauffman's legs, Dan reaches out an arm and tags in Starks. Starks comes into the ring like a whirlwind, kicking Kauffman off the apron and to the arena floor, and immediately getting into a slugfest with the Outlaw. He whips the Outlaw into the ropes, and hits a superb powerslam. He drops an elbow on the Outlaw, but misses with a legdrop. Both men back to their feet, Outlaw pushes Starks into the corner of the ring. Outlaw attempts to whip Starks into the opposite corner, but Starks reverses. Outlaw shoots inbetween the first and second buckles and hits his shoulder on the ring post. Big pop.] TD: Ouch! That's got to hurt! SR: He hit that post with such force I swear the ring moved about a foot! [Outlaw is nursing his injured shoulder, and is immediately scooped up by Starks for a shoulderbreaker. Outlaw is down, and Starks uncharacteristically goes onto the turnbuckles. He attempts an elbow drop, but the Outlaw rolls out of the way, and makes a break for Kauffman's corner. Dan has returned to the apron, although he still looks very weary. Outlaw makes the tag, and Kauffman enters the ring. He leaps cat-like to the top turnbuckle and crouches there, waiting for Starks to get to his feet and turn around. He launches himself like a missile with a flying shoulder-block on Starks, who goes down hard. Kauffman gets to his feet and again goes to the top rope, this time hitting a stunning reverse moonsault on Starks. Cover - 1 - 2 - Kick out! Starks kicks out with some authority, and is quite quickly back to his feet. He takes the advantage in the ensuing slugfest, and whips Kauffman into the ropes. As Kauffman comes off the ropes, Starks ducks down and picks up Dan by the waist, falling backwards, which sends Dan throat-first onto the top rope. Big pop. Starks goes for the cover - 1 - 2 - Kick out!] SR: I told you Starks was going to wipe the mat with Kauffman. Look at the little brat clutching his throat for air! This is great! [Starks takes advantage of Kauffman's immobility, and applies the Figure Four on Dan's legs. Dan is still feeling the effects of the rope bump, and is now in real pain. After about a minute in the hold, the crowd really starts getting behind Dan again, chanting "Kauff-man! Kauff-man! Kauff-man!". Dan manages to roll over onto his front, reversing the effects of the hold. Starks cries out, but reaches behind to the ropes, and the referee untangles their legs. Starks is not badly affected by the hold, as he gets to his feet and begins stomping on Kauffman.] TD: Kauffman is absorbing an incredible amount of punishment. I can't see him lasting much longer in this one! [Starks drags Kauffman to his feet and whips him into the buckle, face first. Kauffman hits hard, and Starks follows him in with a splash. He then lifts Kauffman and places him on the top turnbuckle. He attempts a superplex, but Kauffman blocks the hold. They begin a slugfest, Kauffman precariously on the top buckle and Starks on the second. Starks hits Kauffman with a particularly huge haymaker, and Kauffman loses his balance. He crashes down onto the timekeeper's table, smashing it. Huge pop.] TD: Oh my! That's it, that's ended Kauffman's career! He just plunged twelve feet onto the timekeeper's table! He's out, he's not moving! SR: That was the greatest thing I've ever seen! Wow! [Starks goes out of the ring and picks up Kauffman. He rolls him back into the ring. The crowd are going nuts, a sustained heel pop at deafening volume. Starks stands above the motionless body of Kauffman and holds his hand aloft. The pop grows even more deafening. Starks drags Kauffman to his feet, and wraps him up into a small package. Count - 1 - Suddenly the Outlaw springs into the ring - 2 - he rolls Starks over so that Starks shoulders are the ones on the mat - the referee hesitates and begins a new count - 1 - 2 - 3! Ding! Ding! Ding!] RA: Ladies and Gentlemen, Tony Starks has been pinned by Dan "Flash" Kauffman. He is eliminated from this matchup! TD: [incredulous] What did the Outlaw do that for, Steve? SR: [euphoric] Don't you get it, Dross? If the Outlaw eliminates Starks, he only has to deal with Kauffman, who's unconscious! The man's a genius! [Starks is furious. He jumps to his feet and he and the Outlaw begin brawling in the ring. Starks blocks the Outlaw's haymaker, and wallops him one, taking him off his feet. He turns to remonstrate with the referee, who is adamant that the decision should stand, and meanwhile, the Outlaw removes the belt from his trousers. He gets to his feet, and viciously starts lashing Starks with the belt. Starks bails out of the ring, his back lacerated by the buckle. He stands in the aisle and points at the Outlaw, hurling abuse. The crowd almost cheer Starks as he leaves the ringside area. Meanwhile, the Outlaw turns his attention back to Kauffman, who is still out. He brings the still unconscious Kauffman to his feet, and performs a Cattle Buster DDT on him. The crowd are on their feet, and the heel pop is still deafening.] TD: This is unbelievable. What kind of a man is the Outlaw? [The Outlaw looks up towards the two suspended cages, and seems to signal that "This one's for Flare!" He again DDTs Kauffman. He then signals that "This one's for Bodybag!", and once more executes a deadly DDT.] SR: I'll tell you what kind of a man the Outlaw is, Dross - a Horseman through and through! [The Outlaw finally covers Kauffman in the centre of the ring. The referee counts, although it seems to take a milennium - 1 -- 2 -- 3! Ding! Ding! Ding!] RA: Ladies and gentlemen, here is your winner - and the first IIWF World Heavyweight Champion - the Outlaw! [Objects hurled by the audience fill the ring. The Outlaw stands above the body of Dan Kauffman and allows the referee to raise his arm in victory.] TD: I can't believe what I've seen in this match! SR: I told you, Dross! I told you! I was right about Steamroller, and I was right about the Outlaw! Whooo! [IIWF President Dan Spreadbury again comes to ringside, bearing the gleaming gold IIWF World Heavyweight Championship belt. The cages are lowered, and Flare and Brad "Bodybag" Kinder join the Outlaw in the ring. The referee rolls Kauffman to safety on the arena floor, to prevent any further attack. President Dan enters the ring, and before he has even had a chance to present the belt to the Outlaw, Flare grabs it, and holds it high. He then straps it around the Outlaw's waist. President Dan shakes his head and leaves the ring, Bodybag hurling abuse at him as he goes. Bodybag and Flare hoist the Outlaw up onto their shoulders, and parade him around the ring. The boos and jeers are deafening.] TD: I can hardly hear myself think, Steve! Well, what a night of wrestling action we've seen here this evening. I can't remember anything quite like this in all my years in the sport. SR: For a change, Dross, you're right on the money there. I've never seen such a great night of wrestling in my whole life! Steamroller are the new IIWF World Tag Team Champions, and the Horsemen are taking home the World Heavyweight belt around the Outlaw's waist! Whooo! TD: That's all we have for you this evening, folks... so on behalf of my colleague "Soundbite" Steve Roberts, this is Tim Dross saying: so long, everybody! [As the Horsemen go down the aisle, the Outlaw proudly wearing the IIWF World Heavyweight Championship belt around his waist. Fade.] +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= I * I * W * F =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-+ | President: Daniel Spreadbury | Vice-President: Steve Owens | | univ0322@sable.ox.ac.uk | sowens@admin.presby.edu | | iiwf@sisko.demon.co.uk | IIWFadmin@aol.com | +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- http://www.sisko.demon.co.uk -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=+