##### ###### ### ########## ########## ########## #### ## ########## ########## ########## #### # #### ######## ##### ##### #### ## ##### #### #### #### #### ### #### #### #### #### ############# ######### #### #### ########### ######### #### #### #### #### #### ######### ######### ### #### #### ######### ######### ### ## #### ######## ######## ## # #### =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- ## =-=-=-= H + O + T + L + I + N + E #1-900-325-IIWF =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= 16 February 1997 ----------------------------------------------- [click] --------------------------- OPTION #1: The Dross Report --------------------------- You've reached the IIWF Hotline. Thanks for calling. I'm Tim Dross, and this is my Dross Report for February 16, 1997. It was another wild night in the Coliseum yesterday -- the really big news is that we saw new IIWF World Tag Team Champions crowned as the Zodiac Connection defeated the Dark Disciples in controversial fashion thanks to the interference of Domination. That shock result last night has sent a wave of confusion through the IIWF. Backstage after the show last night, a number of IIWF officials were discussing the title change, and I can't count the number of times I heard words to the effect of: "The Zodiac Connection?! But they're nobodies!" If an object lesson were needed that _nobody_ in the IIWF is a _nobody_, it was provided last night. I, for one, wish Scorpio and Taurus all the luck in the world as they try to hang on to those titles. It's going to be a rough ride, boys. Meanwhile, the competition for the United States Tag Team Championship continues to hot up. The decision last night by the IIWF President to allow "Sychosys" Joe Petrow to compete in the tournament on the proviso that he finds himself a partner also raised a few eyebrows. Of course, now the big question is: just _who_ is Petrow going to team up with? My sources indicate that the wrestler in question may not have seen eye to eye with Petrow in the past -- indeed, in the recent past -- but wants to add to his collection of tag team gold. Rumours are flying that the Armed Forces may be on their way out of the IIWF. It seems that they've been questioning their future in the ring wars for some time now, despite the fact that they hold two world titles outside of the IIWF. I'm not sure exactly what's behind their recent upset, but my sources indicate that the loss against the Prophets of Rage last night may have pushed them over the edge -- although the Zodiac Connection proved that no team is ever out of contention for the titles, Nav and Def may believe that since they have been knocked out of the US Title Tournament, and are for now out of the running for the World Titles, their time might be better served by returning to the Forces. More on this as I get it, folks. With his third defeat in as many weeks, Dan Kauffman has really found himself at the lowest point in his IIWF career. His loss to the Subway Psycho last night in their titanic battle certainly hit him hard, and I understand that, if anything, this latest setback has only made him more determined to get right back on top of his game and leave the IIWF with a bang, and not a whimper, on March 22 in the Skydome. In fact, I overheard Kauffman lobbying the IIWF President after the show last night for a match with long-standing enemy, Serge Annis, to go down on IIWF Saturday Night in two weeks' time, on March 1. I also understand that Kauffman may go looking for help to regain his old form as he winds up his career. The announcement last night of the working agreement between the IIWF and ESWP came as a surprise to many IIWF observers, myself included. There has been a great deal of talk lately concerning the possible IIWF takeover of another rival organisation -- but I find it hard to believe that this agreement is the culmination of those rumours. Unless the powers-that-be know something that we don't, and this talent exchange agreement is simply a smoke-screen, the big news is still to come. My ear is firmly to the ground, folks, and I'll continue to try and get to the bottom of this scenario. What's up with Creed and Mad Dog Watkins? I've learned some very interesting things about the background of Jack Montgomery's chief Corporate asset, although I'm not allowed to divulge the details. Let's just say that there may be a connection that's thicker than water between Watkins and Creed... Caught in the act? IIWF Intercontinental Champion Marty Warnett was conspicuous by his absence from last night's live show -- even if the Party Maniac's not wrestling, he's usually somewhere to be found in the locker room backstage. However, from what I hear, Warnett was spotted wining and dining a beautiful young woman last night. I guess that in itself isn't all that remarkable, but the fact that the woman in question was none other than the Lady DeWinter is slightly more remarkable. I hear tell that under his arrogant exterior, Lord Byron, the cuckolded guardian of DeWinter, is actually pretty torn up about DeWinter's attentions being directed towards Warnett. Byron may be petitioning the front office for a stipulation to be added to his match with Warnett at Ring Wars III -- whoever wins the match not only takes the title, but takes the girl, too. These are unconfirmed rumours, folks, so take them for what they're worth. Well, folks, it's been a little quiet this week in the front office. Perhaps a little _too_ quiet. I'll be keeping my eyes and ears open, folks, and I'll be back with another hotline update next Sunday night. Until then, this is Tim Dross, saying: so long, and thanks for calling! ----------------------------- OPTION #2: "Soundbite" Speaks ----------------------------- If you pressed the #2 button by mistake, you just had the happiest accident of your miserable existence. If you pressed it deliberately, then congratulations -- you've learned that listening in to the thoughts of the finest announcer -- and, dammit, the finest wrestler -- in the world today. I'm "Soundbite" Steve Roberts, and you'd better be listening up. It seems to be fashionable at the moment to knock the IIWF -- widely acknowledged as the finest wrestling promotion in the world today, thanks in no small part to the presence of your truly -- and I have a few words for all those whining-ass crybabies out there who can't run with the real talent in the wrestling world: wise up, shut up, and grow up. It's time to stop running around like some kid just out of diapers scampering off home to mom whenever anything doesn't go your way. The shots come fast, and the shots come hard. Only the strong survive in the IIWF, and if you can't mix it up with guys like Hardin, Thunder, Watkins or Kowalski, then get the hell out. Speaking of Kowalski, why the hell is he wasting his time with the Sandbag when he should be beating a path to Dictator Danny's door and demanding a shot at Warnett's Intercontinental Championship. Bleeding heart stories are all very well, Farty, but sooner or later, the Fury's going to get his hands on you, and that title's going home to poppa. The Players' Club really aren't too bright. In fact, they've got to be the stupidest pair of dumbasses I've ever seen. They have the opportunity to fight alongside the two toughest hombres in the IIWF, Brody Thunder and the "Outlaw" J.W. Hardin, and what do they do? They end up fighting with their allies. Well, "Dumb" Danny Dynamite and "Moron" Michael Reyna, be warned -- Thunder and Hardin make formidable allies, but they make deadly enemies. Better stop worrying about the Syndicate, boys, and look over your shoulder. I hear tell that the Arabian Knights are on their way out of the IIWF. To be honest, it doesn't surprise me. Omar and Prince Abdul Akmar have a great deal of talent, but they change their managers like most normal human beings -- save for Barry Horton, or whatever his name is -- change their underwear. Continuity is essential for success in the IIWF, and that's just one thing the Knights haven't had. Spur impressed me on Saturday Night when he whipped widdle Wonnie Pawis' butt all over the ring. There's something about Spur which seems vaguely familiar, but I can't work out what it is. I guess he reminds me a lot of myself from my youthful days, although I don't think I looked as much of a cock in my tights... Seriously though, folks, Spur now holds Wonnie's future in his hands, and he gets the chance to choose Pawis' next opponent. Spur, a word of advice from the old master -- pick a big man like Deathbringer or Verhoeven. They'll squash Wonnie like the insect that he is. Some idle chit-chat from around the locker rooms this week: Stud Stetson has been caught looking in Warnett's locker for a few pick-me-ups -- although apparently all he found was Becky LaRue's phone number, which probably wasn't quite what he had in mind; a star from the IIWF's past, "Blackjack" Haley, was seen backstage at last Wednesday's event, chatting with the Sandman -- and the big seven footer looked meaner than ever; also last Wednesday, "Kick Me" Chris Quigley was found reading Playgirl in the rest room -- you know what they say about guys with pierced navels; the "Enigma" Takezo Musashi is shaking in his boots about the prospect of facing the White Phoenix in a Ladder Match at Ring Wars III -- he's bought fireproof wrestling tights; the Highwayman was found demonstrating his pistols to Gemini last night -- both parties seemed impressed by the impressive pair; and "Badboy" Randy Acorn may be going soft -- he was heard mentioning the words "clean finish" over a beer with his agent... Finally, folks -- that negligee Casey James pulled out of his kit bag last night... I have it on pretty good authority that it didn't belong to Mistress Sasha -- nope, that rather sexy little number is apparently what the Subway Stinker wears under his wrestling tights. No wonder he was embarrassed. Right, morons, that's it from me for this week. I'm outta here. The Soundbite has spoken! ----------------------- OPTION #3: Can We Talk? ----------------------- Hi there, folks, and thanks for choosing option #3. By now you know the score -- I'm Larry Morton, and since I end up losing out on all the hot scoops to my esteemed broadcast colleagues, I've been hanging around the locker rooms and parking lots over the past week to get the opinions of the IIWF superstars on a topical question. This week's question: WHAT WOULD YOU BE IF YOU WEREN'T A WRESTLER? W & W EXPRESS: "We'd be movie stars, of course!" DAN KAUFFMAN: "I'd be a sportswriter, probably covering College Basketball and Major League Baseball as the two primary sports. In fact, that's what I will be doing starting in April." COLD SPELL: Icehawk: Probably still a gymnast -- assuming I wasn't in jail for killing one of those incompetent judges. Fitz: Bored. PROPHETS OF RAGE: Shadoe: Dead. Derek: I would've kept up my ball career. Who knows, you might've seen me replace Patrick Ewing in the next few years. BILLY SHAKESPEARE: "Gee, I don't know. I always thought I'd make a pretty good actor." DIRT DOG UNIQUE ALLAH: "I'on'know. Whut's a wrestler? Hehehehehe." SPUR: "I'd be "Real Deal" Luke Steele. Then I wouldn't be a wrestler at all." ALPHABET BOYS: Abie: I'd wanna be Elvis. Zed: No! I wanna be Elvis! Abie: I called it first! Zed: Did not! Abie: Did too! Zed: Then who can I be? Abie: You can be Priscilla. Zed: Neat. LUKE STEELE: "Let's see, if the Real Deal weren't a wrestler, what would he be? That's a tough one, 'cause the Man of Steele really does excel at lots of things. That's not bragging there, ask my gym coach." STEVE KOWALSKI: "A Motivational speaker. Can ya picture it? 'The reason yer so fat is, Ya eat too much! Ya fat bastard!'" THE "CEO" JACK MONTGOMERY: "Actually, Creed does have a fallback career. He's pursuing a graduate degree contemporary haiku. Here's one of his early works: Let's go surfin' now everybody's learnin' how Gonna whip your ass." "SYCHOSYS" JOE PETROW: "I wouldn't." LUKE STEELE's GYM COACH: "I remember that kid, multi-talented. Cool Hand Luke they used to call him. I seem to recall a particular affluency for basketball though..." LUKE STEELE: "Told ya. Mikey Jordan, eat your heart out. Go Cavs!" BRODY THUNDER: "I'd go back to bein' a bounty hunter. That's another job where ya get ta mix it up with so-called 'tough guys' fer a livin' an' it's all legal. The only diference 'tween wrestlin' an' that is I don't get to go 'heeled' into the ring. Too bad too... it sure would take care of a few small problems..." "BADBOY" RANDY ACORN: "If I weren't a wrestler, I'd be dead on the streets. Where I come from, you don't survive off ambition alone... you need talent." CASEY JAMES: "A loser... Like everyone else who isn't a wrestler." TIGER CLAW: "I'd be doing something related to unarmed combat, I'm sure. This isn't just a career to me. It's my life." REQUIEM: "If I were not a wrestler, what would I be? But I am not a wrestler. I am Requiem. I am the fallen Angel, the outcast, the Dark Angel of Destruction. My task is clear. It is not to wrestle men in the ring for the paltry gold of championship belts, but to redeem their souls, to eliminate the darkness that dwells within all men, to one degree or another. My task has taken me to many strange and bizarre places before, and now it has taken me to the IIWF. "When the IIWF is at last cleared of the Darkness of the Soul, I shall move on. Unfortunately, from what I have seen here in the IIWF, my task here shall be a long and arduous one, but I am not deterred. I have been at my task for many long years, and my patience is limitless." TIGER CLAW: "Perhaps by now I would have opened my own gym instead of sponsoring one in Thailand." THE SANDMAN: "There is nothing else but wrestling, if you don't wrestle then you're not fit to live!" BRODY THUNDER: "...or maybe I'd go back ta bouncin' at the Tarnished Star. I kinda miss dribblin' heads off the floor on 'Handgun Night'. S'how I met the missus if I remember rightly..." CASEY JAMES: "Maybe I could get hired out as a knee-breaker. I think I'd be good at it." NIGHT PATROL: Keene: Now what kind of a question is that? Jack and I are cops... Brenda's a State's Attorney. Blazer: They prob'ly mean deadbeat punks like the Armed Forces, the Alphabet Boys, the Zodiacs... Hawkings: We can only guess what they would do; I think Pain, Inc. would make great first-grade teachers, fine role models for children... and that handsome Lord Byron would be a Calvin Klein model. BRODY THUNDER: "...hey, maybe I could go into Hollywood an' make some GOOD westerns, eh? They'd kill fer this mug on the big screen... huh? Hey...whadda YOU laughin' at, ya flamin' idjit... I'll kick yer scrawny, flea-ridden, microphone-totin'..." DEATHBRINGER: "If I were not a wrestler... Now what does this mean, mortal? Do you still not understand my real being? Do you still not understand what I really am? Well, you worry me more and more... How do you accomplish growing so old with that little wisdom of yours anyway? However, if you look around the IIWF I am quite confident that are quite some others who are no wrestlers at all... if you understand what I mean..." MR. MIC: "I'd probably have your job, Morton!" MORNINGSTAR of PAIN INC.: "Easy, a police officer. Night Patrol says I have the perfect "attitude" for it!" BRIAN LAU: "I'm _not_ a wrestler, you moron!" [click] +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= I * I * W * F =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-+ | President: Daniel Spreadbury | Vice-President: Steve Owens | | univ0322@sable.ox.ac.uk | sowens@admin.presby.edu | | iiwf@sisko.demon.co.uk | IIWFadmin@aol.com | +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- http://www.sisko.demon.co.uk -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=+