[Fade up on a montage of famous moments from throughout the IIWF's history: Lord Byron's memorable debut coming down the walkway at Ring Wars II; the "Outlaw" J.W. Hardin hitting Dan Kauffman with a Cattle Buster DDT; the "Machine" Hunter Robertson and "Frost" Scott Morrison brawling backstage at Midsummer Madness. With each clip, snippets of the original commentary and crowd noise is heard. Soon, however, the soundtrack is drowned out by the introductory music kicking in, and the opening graphics explode onto the screen:] ##### ###### ### ########## ########## ########## #### ## ########## ########## ########## #### # #### ######## ##### ##### #### ## ##### #### #### #### #### ### #### #### #### #### ############# ######### #### #### ########### ######### #### #### #### #### #### ######### ######### ### #### #### ######### ######### ### ## #### ######## ######## ## # #### =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- ## =-=-=-= INTERNATIONAL INTERNET WRESTLING FEDERATION =============================================== C + L + A + S + S + I + C + S ----------------------------------------------- February 27, 1997 [Fade through to an IIWF studio. "Soundbite" Steve Roberts is seated at a desk in front of a bank of small video monitors, each of which is showing footage of various cataclysmic encounters from the IIWF's archives. The shot closes in on his face, and he speaks:] SR: Welcome, morons, inbreds and losers worldwide to another dip into the archives of the IIWF, the world's finest wrestling promotion... thanks, of course, to me. I'm your not-so-genial host, "Soundbite" Steve Roberts, and if you've got a problem with that, then turn the channel, lemming. If you want to see some of the most incredible action ever to take place inside a wrestling ring -- then you've come to the right place. Sadly, I'm not allowed to show any of the innumerable highlights from my wrestling career, which is where the real action's at, so we'll have to make do with matches drawn from the history of the IIWF. This week's encounter is the infamous "Deathmatch" between ol' "Lame Duck" Dan Kauffman and the mighty Deathbringer from the first Ring Wars, back on June 29, 1996. That was quite a night -- last week we showed you the Intercontinental Championship match from Ring Wars I, and there'll be more highlights in the weeks to come -- but right now let's focus in on the circumstances surrounding this match. Dan Kauffman was the first man to score a pinfall victory over Deathbringer in the IIWF, albeit a tainted one, in the second round of the 24-man single elimination tournament which comprised the IIWF's inaugural event, Coronation Clash, back in May last year. Kauffman advanced because the blind referee didn't see that Deathbringer's feet were on the ropes when he made the three-count, and who knows how different history could have been if Deathbringer had advanced to the final and not Kauffman. In any case, 'Bringer felt -- justifiably, in my book -- that "Lame Duck" Danny-boy cost him the IIWF World title that night, and so began a rivalry between the two men. Between Coronation Clash and Ring Wars, Kauffman and Deathbringer fought a number of inconclusive bouts, including a Texas Death match and a cage match, but both men wanted one more shot at the other, to finally settle their differences. That match was the special "Deathmatch" which you're about to see -- and what a match it was. Of course, the situation between Kauffman and Deathbringer wasn't resolved back in June last year, and now that Kauffman is just three weeks away from retiring, thank heavens, in the eyes of the fans, nobody really knows just who is the better man. Of course, it's obvious that the better man is Deathbringer, but most of you peons are far too stupid to accept that simple fact. Anyway, I could go on all night, but this is only a thirty-minute show, so I'll let the action speak louder than my words. Crack open a beer, sit back, and get ready to relive one of the seminal matches of the IIWF's past glories: [Cut to footage subtitled, "June 29, 1996." Tim Dross, "Soundbite" Steve Roberts and Becky LaRue provide ringside commentary. The ring announcer steps between the ropes:] RA: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is a Deathmatch! [Big pop!] The rules are as follows: the match will be best of three falls, no countout, no disqualification, falls count anywhere. There will be two referees on hand for the bout. After each fall, both wrestlers must return to the ring within one minute. If there is any interference, the interfering wrestler will immediately be locked inside a steel cage for the duration of the match. The wrestler who was attacked is then allowed to execute a free move on his opponent. If his opponent refuses, it will count as two falls against him. SR: Who thought of these ridiculous stipulations?! TD: Deathbringer, of course. I must admit, the rules are overly complex, but the history between him and Kauffman almost demands such rigorous rules in order to get a fair result. Remember the first time they met - 'Bringer's feet were on the ropes when he was pinned by Kauffman, so you can see why two referees is a good idea. Then there was the incident in the Texas Death cage match, where Joe Latta intervened. So the interference rule seems fair, too. BL: But most important is the falls count anywhere stipulation. That's why this match is so dangerous for Kauffman, especially at his current less than 100% strength. RA: Introducing first, accompanied by the Coroner, weighing in at 324lbs, here is the man from the Dark Side, Deathbringer! [A hush falls on the crowd as the lights drop. Mere seconds later, they rise again, and Deathbringer stands in the ring. The Coroner enters the ring and disrobes his charge, removing his brown cowl and scythe. 'Bringer's eyes glow a bright red. Mixed reaction - the Soldiers of Hell cheer, but the majority of the fans "boo" him loudly.] TD: I guess you either love or hate the Deathbringer. SR: If he puts Kauffman out tonight, I'll love him forever! RA: And introducing his opponent, from Hagerstown, Maryland, and weighing in at 230lbs, here is: Dan "Flash" Kauffman! [Huge heel pop, which drops to an awed hush as the lights drop to a glowing deep blue. Slow, soft rhythmic Asian music plays. Dan Kauffman emerges from behind the curtain, bedecked from head to toe in a black outfit, and kneels at the head of the aisle, his head down. He performs some elaborate hand gestures.] SR: What the hell's all this about?! TD: It's a hand-kata, Steve. Apparently, it symbolises complete focus and concentration. SR: Complete baloney and nonsense, more like. Kauffman's gonna get buried. [As Dan looks up and focuses his gaze on Deathbringer, the blue lights cause his attire to glow softly. He gets to his feet and begins walking down the aisle, keeping his eyes locked on the ring the entire time. The crowd remains hushed, and he pays them no attention as he walks to ringside and climbs the ring steps. He steps between the ropes, and the lights rise as he approaches Deathbringer. As the two stare into each others' eyes, the lights rise, and the time keeper's bell rings, to signal the beginning of the match.] TD: What an entrance from Dan Kauffman! This is certainly a different Dan we're seeing here tonight! BL: He sure looks focused, but you've got to ask just how great he actually feels. When you're in the rings, you appreciate the value of psychology in beating an opponent. Deathbringer's very strong on the psychological side of the game - he has all manner of tricks to put his opponents off balance. I think this entrance is Kauffman's attempt to show 'Bringer that he's not afraid of him - but I have to wonder just what lies behind this cool, focused front. I can't believe that the vicious attack at the hands of Tiger Claw and Joe Latta earlier tonight hasn't affected him both physically and mentally. I think underneath that front there's a man in turmoil, facing the toughest challenge of his career. He's done for, Timmy. TD: We'll see about that, Becky. You're right on the money, as usual, but I think you underestimate this young man's desire and heart. He's been locked in that stare with Deathbringer for well over a minute. SR: You're telling me. When are we going to get some action? [Deathbringer eventually takes a step back, and quick as lightning, begins to beat Kauffman's midsection with punches. Dan reels, and is backed into a corner.] TD: Wow! Deathbringer's found a weak spot very early on here. Those ribs of Kauffman's must be bruised with all the kicking they took earlier on this evening. SR: Great tactics from the big guy. I think this one's going to be over very quickly. [Deathbringer is relentless, continuing his assault in the corner. Kauffman is only held upright by the turnbuckles. 'Bringer pounds Dan with uppercut forearms to the chin, snapping the head back.] BL: Dan's got to get out of the corner, or he's going to lose the match right here. ['Bringer begins kicking Kauffman in the midsection. The crowd's jeers become very loud. At the behest of the Coroner from the outside, Deathbringer steps away from Kauffman, and Dan slumps to the mat, clutching his ribs.] TD: Why did the Coroner call Deathbringer off just then? SR: Don't know, Dross. I guess there's some respect for Kauffman as an athlete in there, for no particularly good reason, I might add, and 'Bringer wants to give Kauffman a chance to make something of himself. [As 'Bringer looks on, Kauffman grimaces as he gets to his feet. 'Bringer moves in again, and whips Dan into the ropes. He attempts a clothesline as Dan rebounds, but Kauffman ducks underneath the swipe and hits the ropes again. He comes back off the ropes a second time, executes a quick go-behind on the big man, and causes the crowd to erupt as he pulls a German suplex out of nowhere. Cover - 1 - 2 - kick out by Deatbringer!] TD: We've just seen why Kauffman is so dangerous. He can pull a match-winning manoeuvre out of nowhere. 'Bringer was nearly one fall down just then. [Deathbringer is immediately straight back on Kauffman, and a slugfest ensues. 'Bringer is staggered by Kauffman, who launches himself at the ropes, hitting the big man with a clothesline. 'Bringer doesn't go down. Kauffman repeats the clothesline. 'Bringer teeters but still doesn't go down. Kauffman hits a third clothesline. This time, 'Bringer hits the mat. Huge pop. Kauffman climbs to the top rope, but Deathbringer suddenly sits up and stalks over to the corner. He shakes the ropes, and Kauffman falls into a vulnerable position, straddling the top turnbuckle. Deathbringer climbs to the second turnbuckle and peppers Kauffman with right hands. He then takes a few steps back, and charges in with a clothesline, knocking the stunned Dan out of the ring and all the way to the floor! Huge heel pop!] TD: Oh no! That kind of a bump is sure to put Kauffman out with his ribs being in the condition they're in! [Deathbringer steps between the ropes and stands on the apron. He leaps, performing a splash on the winded Kauffman. Big pop!] SR: It's been all Deathbringer so far. I don't think Kauffman's got anything left after that beating he took earlier on. ['Bringer gets up, and seems to be favouring his right knee.] TD: I think Deathbringer hurt his knee when he performed that splash. His left knee must be damaged - look how he's limping. BL: Yeah, but it's going to take far more than a bit of cartlidge damage to stop the dark destroyer. [Kauffman is dragged to his feet by his neck, and Deathbringer whips him into the steel crowd barriers. Kauffman hits hard. Shocked pop. 'Bringer drags Kauffman, again by the neck, and then whips him along the next side of the ring, into the steel ring steps. Big clang. Another shocked pop. Kauffman's chest heaves as he lies on the floor on the other side of the steps, having flown over them due to the speed of the impact. 'Bringer stalks Kauffman once more, and picks him up. He hoists Kauffman above his head in an impressive display of strength! Big pop!] SR: Now that's pure brute force for you, Dross! ['Bringer drops Kauffman throat-first across the steel crowd barriers. Huge heel pop!] TD: There was no need for that! I can't believe Deathbringer just did that! BL: I'm sure it was an accident, Timmy. Maybe Kauffman shifted his weight and Deathbringer overbalanced. TD: Yeah, sure. [Kauffman writhes on the concrete, clutching at his throat. 'Bringer makes the cover - 1 - 2 - 3! Ding! Ding! Ding!] RA: The winner of the first fall: Deathbringer! Both athletes now have one minute to reenter the ring! TD: Kauffman's one fall down! He's got a real mountain to climb now... imagine knowing that you've got to pin Deathbringer twice to win the match, especially when you're one decision down. SR: I don't think Kauffman even knows where he is right now, let alone that he's been pinned. [Deathbringer limps slowly to the ring and reenters. He turns and looks out into the aisle, where Kauffman still lies, almost motionless.] RA: Dan "Flash" Kauffman now has forty-five seconds to reenter the ring! TD: This is a real test of an athlete's intestinal fortitude. Does Kauffman have the heart or the desire to get back into the ring? [The crowd really starts to get behind Dan, chanting "Kauff - man! Kauff - man! Kauff - man!" Dan starts to stir, and begins to lever himself up on the steel crowd barriers.] RA: Dan "Flash" Kauffman now has thirty seconds to reenter the ring! [Dan staggers towards the ring, supporting himself on the railings as much as possible. He gets to the padding at the side of the ring and tumbles to the floor once more.] RA: Dan "Flash" Kauffman now has fifteen seconds to reenter the ring! [Dan grabs hold of the ring apron and tries to drag himself to his feet. The crowd begin to chant the countdown - 10 - 9 - 8 - Kauffman levers himself onto the apron - 7 - first one foot - 6 - then the other - 5 - 4 - he rolls into the ring under the bottom rope.] RA: The match continues! SR: Either Kauffman is very strong or very stupid. He's in no condition to make any kind of offence against Deathbringer. He's done for. BL: That's what I said, Steve. SR: Great minds think alike, Becky. You know, I think we have a lot in common. What do you say we... TD: [interrupting] Look, you two. Can you sort this out later? Deathbringer's all over Kauffman! ['Bringer stomps away on Kauffman. Kauffman rolls from the ring once more, and Deathbringer follows him to the outside. Kauffman grabs 'Bringer's left leg, and pulls it out from under him. 'Bringer goes down, hitting his head on the apron as he falls. Big pop. Kauffman staggers to his feet and begins working over Deathbringer's weak leg. He applies the Figure Four leglock on the big man and cinches it in as strongly as possible. Big pop.] TD: This is going to have to be Kauffman's tactic - he's going to have to wrestle the big man. He certainly can't compete in terms of strength or power, but when you're down on the mat - or, in this case, the floor - that height and strength advantage is eliminated. 'Bringer won't be able to sustain the Figure Four forever. SR: You're kidding, right?! Have you ever seen a dead man submit? I know I haven't. I tell you, Deathbringer's not human. He's about as natural as your hair, Dross! [Becky giggles.] TD: Look, for the last time - can we please leave my hair out of this?! [The referee checks to see whether Deathbringer wishes to submit. Deathbringer refuses. He levers himself into a sitting position, and then begins unentwining his legs with Kauffman's!] TD: This guy just doesn't seem to feel pain! That's incredible! [Both men get to their feet. Kauffman rams 'Bringer's head into the ring apron, and he staggers backwards. Dan pounces, clotheslining Deathbringer over the steel crowd barriers and into the crowd, who scatter. Kauffman grabs a chair, and beats Deathbringer about the head with it. Big pop as 'Bringer tumbles, knocking seating all over the place. Kauffman repeatedly bashes Deathbringer with the chair; when 'Bringer lies motionless on the floor, he clears a space, sending more chairs flying, and then folds up one chir and lays it down on the floor. He hauls Deathbringer to his feet and performs a piledriver onto the steel chair! Big pop!] TD: What a move! SR: But I have a feeling it's not going to be enough to put Deathbringer away! That guy can take one hell of a licking and keep right on ticking. [Kauffman covers Deathbringer - 1 - 2 - kick out! Disappointed reaction from the crowd.] Kauffman drags Deathbringer to the crowd barrier once more, and hops over, keeping hold of 'Bringer's hair all the time. He sets up for a suplex, preparing to suplex the big man back out into the ringside area, but 'Bringer has more power, and suplexes Kauffman back into the crowd area. Big pop! Deathbringer goes for the cover - 1 - 2 - kick out!] TD: Phew! Kauffman was less than a second away from defeat right there! ['Bringer drags Kauffman to his feet, and Kauffman is apparently exhausted, unable to defend himself. He hoists Kauffman up onto his shoulders for the Tombstone inverted piledriver.] SR: Yes! Right onto the concrete - this'll break Kauffman's neck! [Just as Deathbringer is ready to execute the Tombstone, Kauffman wriggles and slides himself forward, scissoring Deathbringer's head with his feet, He pushes off against the floor with his feet, and flips Deathbringer over behind him. 'Bringer hits some chairs hard. He quickly sits up and begins to move towards Kauffman. He swipes with a right-hand, which Dan ducks, and wraps Deathbringer up with an inside cradle! The referee makes the count - 1 - 2 - 3! Ding! Ding! Ding!] RA: The winner of the second fall: Dan "Flash" Kauffman! Both men now have one minute to reenter the ring. [Both men get to their feet, and head towards the ring. As they approach the crowd barrier, Deathbringer rams Kauffman's head into the steel, and Dan goes down. The dark destroyer clambers over the railings and reenters the ring to a huge heel pop.] RA: Dan "Flash" Kauffman now has forty-five seconds to reenter the ring. [Kauffman slowly struggles to his feet and flops over the barrier to the padding around ringside. He drags himself up onto the ring apron.] RA: Dan "Flash" Kauffman now has thirty seconds to reenter the ring. [Kauffman rolls into the ring under the bottom rope, and 'Bringer immediately begins stomping on the rib area again. He drags Kauffman to his feet and snap mares him into the centre of the ring. The big man bounces off the ropes and drops an elbow on Kauffman's ribs. Kauffman screams in pain. Deathbringer repeats the move, before rolling outside the ring and grabbing a steel chair. He throws it into the ring, and it hits Kauffman. Deathbringer climbs back into the ring and picks up the chair, using it as a weapon, driving its edge into Kauffman's ribs repeatedly. Big heel pop.] SR: You see how smart Deathbringer is, Dross? He knows he's got to put Kauffman away now, and those rib injuries of his will certainly keep him immobile. BL: Too right they will. I've had plenty of cracked ribs in my time, and it can be very frightening, as well as very painful, because you feel like you just can't breathe. And if you aren't getting any oxygen, you're not going to be able to wrestle. Kauffman's in big trouble. [Deathbringer stands above the winded Kauffman and raises the chair above his head. He brings it down with a crash, but misses Dan, who rolls out of the way. 'Bringer brings the chair down again, but again misses Dan, who rolls out of the ring. He manages to stay on his feet. Deathbringer drops the chair and follows him out. Kauffman tries to kick the big man, but Deathbringer grabs his foot. Kauffman hits a back brain kick, and the crowd pop hugely! 'Bringer goes down, and again hits his head on the steel railings. Kauffman rolls him back into the ring, and climbs to the top turnbuckle.] TD: This might not be the best time in the match to take a big risk like the one Kauffman's taking right here... [Kauffman waits for Deathbringer to get to his feet, and then hits his "Lights out" flipping clothesline. The crowd goes nuts! Kauffman goes for the cover - 1 - 2 - Kick out! Kauffman looks distraught.] SR: He can't do it! He can't pin Deathbringer! [Dan drags Deathbringer to his feet and places his head between his legs. He signals for the "Ides of March", his tilt-a-whirl powerbomb. He grabs Deathbringer's torso, and lifts him up. He gets Deathbringer about a foot off the canvas, but is unable to go any further. He lets go of the big man, clutching his ribs. 'Bringer straightens up and nearly takes Kauffman's head off with a lariat. Huge heel pop.] TD: That might well have been Kauffman's last chance at victory right there, and it was that injury to his ribs he sustained earlier tonight that could cost him this match. But it's not over yet! [Deathbringer drags Kauffman to his feet and draws his hand across his throat. He whips him into the ropes. As Dan comes back off the ropes, Deathbringer hoists him above his head. Flash guns flare like crazy as Deathbringer presses Kauffman above his head in an astonishing display of power, then he drops him out of the ring straight to the arena floor. Huge heel pop. Deathbringer bounces against the ropes himself and launches himself out of the ring with a plancha dive, landing squarely on Kauffman. He goes for the cover as the crowd's "boo"s are deafening - 1 -- 2 -- 3! Ding! Ding! Ding!] RA: The winner of the third fall, and the winner of the Deathmatch two falls to one: Deathbringer! TD: What a hard-fought match that was! What an epic battle! SR: And in the end, the better man won. Kauffman may well have been a great athlete, but he's just that now - a has-been. Those injuries, plus this gruelling match, will surely end his career. BL: He's not moving at all. [Deathbringer stands above Kauffman. As the referee bends to tend to Dan, Deathbringer reenters the ring along with the Coroner. He stands and raises his arms to the ceiling of the arena, and is picked out by a single spotlight. The jeers of the crowd are louder than ever. Suddenly, the crowd is hushed as the lights drop to total darkness. Two or three seconds later, they rise once more and Deathbringer is nowhere to be seen.] BL: Guess he's not the kind of guy who likes to celebrate, huh? [A team of paramedics comes down to ringside and carefully place Kauffman on a stretcher, which they wheel back up the aisle. The crowd are silent as he is wheeled towards the locker room area, but as he manages to lift one arm to the fans as he disappears out of sight, an ovation begins, and most fans in the Coliseum get to their feet in appreciation.] TD: What an ovation for Dan "Flash" Kauffman! He only narrowly came out on the losing end of that deal - and I sincerely hope that we haven't seen the last of him. SR: You _would_ say that, Dross. Heaven knows why you want to see any more of that guy. Deathbringer should have broken his jaw - then at least we'd be spared his whining, snivelling excuses for why he lost. +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= I * I * W * F =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-+ | President: Daniel Spreadbury | Vice-President: Steve Owens | | univ0322@sable.ox.ac.uk | sowens@admin.presby.edu | | iiwf@sisko.demon.co.uk | IIWFadmin@aol.com | +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- http://www.sisko.demon.co.uk -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=+