[Fade up on a montage of famous moments from throughout the IIWF's history: Joe Latta turning on Dan Kauffman at Ring Wars; Casey James flexing at the top of the aisle as he joins the Syndicate team at Midsummer Madness; the Subway Psycho applying a crucifix on the Outlaw to pin him for the IIWF World Heavyweight Championship. With each clip, snippets of the original commentary and crowd noise is heard. Soon, however, the soundtrack is drowned out by the introductory music kicking in, and the opening graphics explode onto the screen:] ##### ###### ### ########## ########## ########## #### ## ########## ########## ########## #### # #### ######## ##### ##### #### ## ##### #### #### #### #### ### #### #### #### #### ############# ######### #### #### ########### ######### #### #### #### #### #### ######### ######### ### #### #### ######### ######### ### ## #### ######## ######## ## # #### =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- ## =-=-=-= INTERNATIONAL INTERNET WRESTLING FEDERATION =============================================== C + L + A + S + S + I + C + S ----------------------------------------------- March 6, 1997 [Fade through to an IIWF studio. "Soundbite" Steve Roberts is seated at a desk in front of a bank of small video monitors, each of which is showing footage of various cataclysmic encounters from the IIWF's archives. The shot closes in on his face, and he speaks:] SR: Welcome once more to the wonderful world of the IIWF, morons. In case you've had your head in a bucket of Larry Morton's dirty underwear for the past few years, I'm "Soundbite" Steve Roberts, the finest damned broadcast journalist on the planet, and the finest wrestler to boot. It's time to take another trip down memory lane into the archives here in IIWF Towers. With the next pay-per-view spectacular, Ring Wars III, just over two weeks away, it seems fitting that we continue to look at some of the highlights of other past Ring Wars events. Last week you saw Dan Kauffman get his butt kicked by Deathbringer... but this week, you're in for a treat of a different kind. This week, you're going to see Billy Shakespeare get his butt _licked_ by Moondust. Yeah, you heard me right. The androgynous Moondust exploded into the IIWF as the mystery participant in the inaugural Coronation Clash event, and he turned more than a few heads straight away with his bizarre pink catsuit and strange habits. However, the head he most wanted to turn was that of little Willie Pukespeare, and he contrived as many ways as possible to serenade the future Cruiserweight and Intercontinental Champion. It seemed that Pukespeare couldn't wrestle a match without Moondust sticking his nose into things, so in the end, Pukespeare challenged Moondust to a Loser Leaves IIWF match at Ring Wars. Of course, the fact that Pukespeare is still here -- damn him -- gives away the result somewhat, so there's going to be little suspense going into this match, but for those of you who've not experienced the bizarre Moondust before, this is going to be a real education. So let's go back to that heady night at the end of June last year. The setting is the jam-packed IIWF Coliseum, and I'm joined at the broadcast table by that man whose girth exceeds his talent, Tim Dross, and the, uh, _lovely_ Becky LaRue. Enjoy, inbreds. [Cut to footage subtitled, "June 29, 1996." The ring announcer takes to the ring.] RA: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall, and it is a special "Loser Leaves IIWF" match! [Big pop] Introducing first, coming down the aisle, weighing in at 275lbs, and hailing from the far side of the moon, here is Moondust! [Big heel pop as Moondust appears at the top of the aisle. Sparkly dust begins to fall from the roof of the arena, and Moondust begins to mince down towards the ring.] TD: I think most of these fans have seen enough of Moondust already. If he were to lose this match, I don't think he'd be too sorely missed. Listen to how they're "boo"ing him! SR: Don't you get it, Dross?! Moondust wants people to jeer him. He's the master of the mind game. He plays on the insecurities of every man in this building. That's what makes him so dangerous. [Moondust stops in the aisle to ruffle the hair of a male fan. He licks his lips invitingly, and is met by a slap from the male fan's wife! Big pop!] TD: Well, maybe that will teach Moondust... BL: You're kidding, of course. He enjoyed it! [Moondust rubs his cheek, and fondly blows a kiss at the male fan before continuing down to the ring. He slides in under the bottom rope and goes through his customary gyrations, rubbing himself with his hands. He goes over to the ring announcer and begins tousling his hair.] RA: And... his opponent... coming down the aisle... weighing in at 227lbs, here is.... "Spotlight" Billy Shakespeare! [Huge pop as the single spotlight illuminates the head of the aisle. There is an even larger pop as Billy steps through the curtain wearing a long blonde wig. He begins mocking Moondust, walking with an exaggeratedly effeminate wiggle, and blowing kisses at the crowd.] TD: [laughing] That must be what Billy meant when he talked about getting into the part a bit more! SR: Well, if you ask me, he looks ridiculous! BL: Too right. The blonde hair just doesn't suit him. [Billy arrives at ringside, and rubs himself in the same way Moondust does. He slowly climbs the ringsteps, and removes his wig, placing it carefully over the ringpost. He steps inbetween the ropes, and bows at the now slightly flushed Moondust. The timekeeper rings the bell to signal the start of the match.] TD: One of these two men is now on the threshold of the end of his IIWF career! SR: You don't say. [Billy and Moondust lock up. Moondust breaks the hold and rubs Billy's chest. Billy takes it for a few seconds, then nails Moondust with a big right hand. Moondust goes down, and Billy moves in quickly, but Moonie backs up against the buckles, and begs for mercy. The referee steps in. Moondust rubs himself again as he stands in the corner. Billy mocks Moondust once more, imitating his gyrations. Big pop. Billy charges the shocked Moondust, clotheslining him over the ropes. Big pop!] BL: You know, I never thought I'd see anybody manage to freak Moondust, but I don't think he expected anything quite like this. [Billy leaps to the top buckle, and dives onto Moondust on the arena floor! Huge pop!] TD: Oh my! What a manoeuvre there from Billy Shakespeare! SR: The guy's an idiot. That kind of a move can shorten your career. BL: So can losing this match, Steve. SR: Good point. [Billy pounds on Moondust on the outside. He drags the androgynous one to his feet and attempts to whip him into the ring post, but Moonie reverses, and Billy hits the post hard. Big heel pop as 'Dust drops an elbow on Billy. He picks Billy up and slams him into the ring post once more, then rolls him into the ring. Moondust climbs to the top rope, and launches himself with an elbow smash, which connects with force. Moondust begins running his hands over Billy again... big heel pop.] TD: Oh, I don't think there's any need for that! BL: Eeeww. This is making even _me_ feel ill. [Moondust finally goes for the cover - 1 - 2 - Kick out! Pop!] TD: Moondust wasted too much time with his caressing. If he'd gone for the cover straight away after that elbow drop, he would have put Billy out of the IIWF for good. SR: There's still time, Dross. I don't see Pukespeare exactly bounding with energy right now. Remember, it's all psychology. [Billy staggers to his feet. Moondust helps him up, and licks his hand. Billy flails with a wild right hand, which Moondust dodges, and follows up with a slap of his own. Billy clutches his right cheek, and then dives on Moondust with a flurry of punches.] BL: Good morning, Mr. Shakespeare... this is your wake-up call! [Big pop as Billy is all over Moondust. The pair roll towards the edge of the ring, and Moondust grabs the middle rope with both hands. The referee calls for the break, and Billy obliges for a moment. He quickly grabs Moondust's legs, and pulls, lifting Moondust up off the canvas, and then lets go, catapulting Moondust into the centre of the ring. Moondust lands hard on his behind, and is then floored by a knee to the face. Billy drops a leg on Moondust and covers him - 1 - 2 - Kick out!] TD: That was close... but Billy's going to have to hook the leg if he wants to put Moondust away. SR: Yeah, that _and_ string together a decent offence. [Billy drags Moondust to his feet and whips him into the ropes, and hits him with a flying drop kick on the rebound. Cover - 1 - 2 - Kick out! He again whips Moondust into the ropes, and hits him with an Enzuiguri. Big pop! Cover - 1 - 2 - Kick out! Billy stands and looks at the fans, clearly frustrated. He signals for the Curtain Call. Big pop!] TD: Here we go... If Billy hits this move, Moondust's IIWF career is over! [Billy climbs to the top rope and looks over his shoulder into the ring, waiting for Moondust to get to his feet. Moonie eventually stumbles to his feet, and Billy launches himself with his backflip crossbody block. However, Moondust manages to turn Billy over in midair, and slams him to the canvas. He hooks both legs and goes for the cover - 1 - 2 -- Kick out! Huge pop!] TD: Oh my! I thought Billy was a goner then... I've never seen anybody reverse the Curtain Call before! [Both men struggle to their feet. Moondust slaps Billy around the face. Billy is rocked, but slaps Moondust back, apparently twice as hard, spinning him around. Billy grabs Moondust from behind, rubs his chest momentarily in another mocking gesture, and then performs a German suplex into a bridge. Huge pop as the referee counts - 1 - 2 -- Kick out!] SR: I can't believe this, Dross! Both men are living on borrowed time in this one! TD: This truly is unbelievable! But with so much at stake, it's not surprising that both men are pulling out all the stops. BL: Yeah, it's almost like they're wrestling for a date with me. Not that either of those... guys... is really my type. [Again both men get to their feet. Billy whips Moondust into the ropes, and bounces against the opposite side himself. He launches himself with a head-scissors, and flips Moondust down to the canvas, kneeling on his shoulders. He reaches behind himself and grabs hold of each of Moondust's legs, increasing his leverage as much as possible. The referee makes the count - 1 -- 2 -- 3! Ding! Ding! Ding! The arena erupts with the loudest pop so far as Billy stands and allows his hand to be raised in victory. His music, "Little Willie", begins to play.] SR: I can't believe it! That was such a fast count! TD: It was _not_, Steve! But what a match - and what a victory for "Spotlight" Billy Shakespeare! BL: Well, he's still not getting a date with me. TD: I'm sure he's just as relieved to hear that as we all are. [While Moondust lies in the centre of the ring, his chest heaving up and down, Billy goes to each corner in turn, climbs the buckles, and bows to the fans on each side. Fireworks explode high above the ring. Moondust finally staggers to his feet, and pulls Billy down from the fourth corner. The music stops. Moondust spins Billy around and plants a kiss squarely on his lips! Huge heel pop! Billy looks shocked for a moment, and then bows at Moondust, before clotheslining him out of the ring. Huge pop! The music begins again, and Billy continues his celebration as Moondust scuttles up the aisle. He is met by Larry Morton on the way back to the locker room.] MD: I'll be back... mark my words... I'll be back for you, little Willie... [Moondust keeps going past Morton and back into the locker-room area.] TD: Let's hope that's an idle threat. The day Moondust steps back into an IIWF ring will be a day too soon! SR: Yeah, but the day you leave this broadcast booth can't come soon enough. If Moondust says he'll be back, he'll be back. He'll find a way. BL: Hey, you notice that Billy actually seemed to like being kissed by Moondust?! TD: No, I didn't see that at all, Becky. Stop it! BL: He liked it, I tell you. [Billy finally leaves the ring and starts hi-fiving the fans around ringside before heading back up the aisle. Fade.] +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= I * I * W * F =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-+ | President: Daniel Spreadbury | Vice-President: Steve Owens | | univ0322@sable.ox.ac.uk | sowens@admin.presby.edu | | iiwf@sisko.demon.co.uk | IIWFadmin@aol.com | +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- http://www.sisko.demon.co.uk -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=+