##### ###### ### ########## ########## ########## #### ## ########## ########## ########## #### # #### ######## ##### ##### #### ## ##### #### #### #### #### ### #### #### #### #### ############# ######### #### #### ########### ######### #### #### #### #### #### ######### ######### ### #### #### ######### ######### ### ## #### ######## ######## ## # #### =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- ## =-=-=-= H + O + T + L + I + N + E #1-900-325-IIWF =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= 16 March 1997 ----------------------------------------------- [click] --------------------------- OPTION #1: The Dross Report --------------------------- Hello there, fans, and thanks for calling the IIWF Hotline. You've reached option #1, updated on Sunday 16 March, just six days away from the IIWF's biggest pay-per-view event of all time: Ring Wars III. I'm Tim Dross, and this is the Dross Report. Before I talk about Ring Wars III itself, I must first address a couple of issues that arose out of last night's final Coliseum event before the IIWF packs up and heads for Toronto. Of course, representatives of the "loop" feds invaded one more time, brutalising a man who has seemingly appointed himself as the IIWF's champion, one Super Scott, and severely injuring the neck of a "loop" great, former EWA Champion the Dark Destroyer. However, as you saw, the IIWF's athletes united against the "loop" and drove them from the Coliseum last night -- although, of course, Mr. Robinson and his cohorts will claim that they left of their own accord -- but many observers were surprised when the IIWF's united front seemingly shunned Super Scott, apparently very suspicious of him indeed. And with good reason -- Scott Hibbs is undeniably a highly untrustworthy individual, with a long history of turning his back on his allies simply because he loves the attention of the fans. My locker room sources tell me that the IIWF's athletes are unimpressed with Scott's self-appointed stance as the IIWF's saviour, when he had only one week previously come uninvited into the organisation's premier weekly event and badmouthed the federation in no uncertain terms. IIWF mainstays such as the Subway Psycho, Billy Shakespeare, Casey James, Steve Kowalski, Brody Thunder, and other top-flight talent, have certainly come to think of the IIWF as their "home turf", and are adamant that if anybody is to defend that territory, it should be them. Many insiders warn that if Scott ever even makes it into an IIWF locker room, he will be given the cold shoulder in a very big way. Except, possibly, from one man. Fans, I'm not sure what to make of what I'm about to relate to you, but take this for what it's worth. A source very close to former IIWF World Champion Dan "Flash" Kauffman, who will be retiring from the IIWF, and from active competition, after next Saturday night's huge match against long-time rival Chris Quigley, informs me that Kauffman has been looking to purchase front row seats for the upcoming Superstar Summit in Wembley Stadium, London, England. What's more, according to my sources, he may not be there solely to watch. Kauffman certainly has a number of interests in the Summit. First of all, it is known that Kauffman and "Jackhammer" J.P. Steele, one-shot wonder and now superstar of the DPW, who made an appearance at last Wednesday's house show, apparently at Kauffman's invitation, have become firm friends, and Dan may appear on his behalf -- against IIWF athlete "Real Deal" Luke Steele! The two Steeles look to be on a collision course to meet once more at the Summit, and it appears that Kauffman will side with the "Jackhammer" at that juncture. Second, some have postulated that Kauffman could appear to help IIWF representative Billy Shakespeare in the big Summit Cup tournament. However, I have heard a number of other possibilities, one in particular being especially ominous. Over the past month, Kauffman has been seen with none other than "loop" wrestler Mr. Robinson. The two have had repeated discussions as of late, and while the topic of their conversations is not known, Kauffman has seemed interested in a possible relationship with the "loop". Could the athlete for the past few months most synonymous with the IIWF be about to jump ship? Has his retirement plan merely been a ruse to escape his contract in order to sign for a rival organisation? Serious allegations indeed -- and according to my sources, well-founded ones. I'll be monitoring this situation, folks. Another disturbing rumour which has surfaced this week is that "Sychosys" Joe Petrow will announce his retirement after his "Seven Tables of Fear" match against the Dirt Dog Unique Allah at Ring Wars III. According to my sources, Petrow's suicidal style of wrestling has unsurprisingly left him with many injuries, causing him a great deal of pain. Perhaps this is why he adopted a totally scientific style against Dan Kauffman last Saturday Night... and could it be that his "special training" for the Dirt Dog -- which has resulted in him disappearing into isolation -- is just his attempt to nurse his wounds sufficiently to be able to go full tilt against Allah in what could prove to be his last match? I don't know for sure, fans, but I'll keep you up to date on this situation. Okay, let's talk about the big one, folks. Ring Wars III is now just six days away, and there are still some unknown quantities going into this huge event. Last night, Dan Kauffman laid down the gauntlet at the feet of his nemesis Chris Quigley to make their match next Saturday Night a Submission Match, but the live broadcast went off air before Quigley had a chance to answer Kauffman's challenge. Well, folks, here's the scoop -- Chris Quigley accepts! That's right, one half of the double main event at Ring Wars III will see Quigley and Kauffman duke it out in a gruelling Submission Match with a one hour time limit. The only way to win is to force your opponent to submit. We'll be talking a whole lot more about this match in the next few days. The re-injury of the American Patriot after his clearance to wrestle certainly threw a spanner in the works last night. The IIWF President had been primed to make an announcement in the Coliseum yesterday concerning a possible replacement for the Patriot in the Wild Card Match, but when the Patriot's doctor granted him clearance to wrestle, there was clearly no need to line up a replacement. Now, however, with his brutal beating at the hands of the Cell and Monster of Domination, the Patriot is certainly out of the running once more, and a replacement must be found. Once again, I have the inside scoop, and although I'm not allowed to reveal anything at this stage, it's safe to say that the mystery partner will be somebody very familiar to fans of the IIWF. Let me just highlight a few developments in some of the other Ring Wars III matches: the Intercontinental Championship match between Lord Byron and Marty Warnett surely revolves around the role of one Lady DeWinter. Now that she has been inadvertently injured by Warnett in the line of duty, what implications does this have on the match? I really don't know where DeWinter's loyalties lie, but those kisses she planted on Warnett in the Coliseum last night seemed fairly conclusive. The huge brawl between Creed, Mad Dog Watkins, Brody Thunder and Steve Kowalski pointed up their roles in the Skydome next weekend -- although, of course, Kowalski won't actually be wrestling _in_ the Skydome, since it was recently confirmed that his Street Fight with the Sandman will in fact take place inside the CN Highpoint Tower! What a battle that's going to be. We also saw more friction between Creed and Mad Dog Watkins last night -- Creed has still yet to strike Watkins, and some insiders are claiming that Creed is going to simply lie down and let the Mad Dog savage him next Saturday night, but I don't believe that for one moment. Thunder, on the other hand, showed us just why he's at such a disadvantage going into his "Winner Must Use Loser's Finisher" match with Billy Shakespeare; he's at home on the mat and in a brawl, not flying off the top rope. Well, folks, I'll have plenty more to say about Ring Wars III this coming Tuesday when I take another look "Inside the IIWF", but I'm right out of time for this week here on the Hotline. I'll be back with another update in a fortnight's time, so until then, this is Tim Dross, saying: so long, and thanks for calling! --------------------------- OPTION #2: Soundbite Speaks --------------------------- Okay, okay, shut up and sit down. Steve Roberts is on the line, and that's your cue to listen good to my words of wisdom. Right off the bat, let me get one thing straight. That moronic inbred Mick McKenzie's still running his mouth at me in that backwater promotion of his, not that anybody's been watching, of course, and he even had the gall to call me a "former rulebreaking loser". Former rulebreaking loser, huh? Three times World Champion and twice co-holder of the World Tag Team Championship in the Mid-Western Championship Wrestling promotion, and I'm a rulebreaking loser? McKenzie blasts me with brass knuckles to steal the World title from me, and _I'm_ the rulebreaking loser? Get real, McKenzie. Wake up from your little fantasy and realise that you're sat behind the microphone in some crappy two-bit league trying to make out like it's the best in the world. When are you going to accept that neither you, or the bingo hall promotion you work for, are ever going to be able to touch either myself or the IIWF? Stop your worthless bitching and try tackling a challenge you're more likely to manage without making a fool of yourself -- like learning to tie your bootlaces without somebody else's help. I mean, you're only thirty-nine years old, Mick... You should be able to do it by now. So we're only six days away from Ring Wars III. Let me give you a few quick picks for this event -- and tell you which matches you won't want to miss, and which you should take a beer break for. Of course, the card is headlined by "Lame Duck" Dan Kauffman taking on Chris Kick-Me. Excuse me while I fall asleep. Just about the only thing that could make this match watchable would be if everybody else in the whole damned IIWF came out and kicked the crap out of both Kauffman and Kick-Me, just like they've wanted to for months. And as for making it a Submission Match? Give me a break. In fact, somebody should give the booking committee a break -- they've just signed a match which will be end to end restholds. Match of the year candidate? Don't make me laugh. And the World title match between Casey James and the Subway Stinker won't be much better. Don't get me wrong -- Blackheart's a real talent, and the Syndicate's been on a roll as of late -- but who actually cares about this match? The sooner real men like Kowalski and Thunder are allowed shots at the World title the better... Then we'll see some heads roll. And what about Warnett vs. Byron? This one's a foregone conclusion as far as I'm concerned -- there's no way Byron can lose to Warnett now. The only variable in this match is the Lady DeWinter, who's just about the most fickle female I've ever known. Damned fine body, though. Then there's the Ladder Match. Two jumping beans doing more damage to themselves than to each other with their ridiculous stunts. At least one of the two men, the White Phoenix, is a real competitor -- and he'll make mincemeat of the "Enigma" to finally wear the Cruiserweight gold here in the IIWF. Whenever the names of Creed or Mad Dog Watkins are mentioned, the other is nearly always in the same breath. Next Saturday night, we'll find out whether Creed really has the balls to run with the big dogs. So far, he's backed down in every confrontation between the two of them, and Watkins surely has the upper hand going into this match. He's one dog whose bark isn't worse than his bite. Poor Brody Thunder, on the other hand, was screwed into a match in which he's practically lost before the bell even rings. So desperate was ol' Brody to get his hands on that worthless Willie Pukespeare that he signed the first contract that came his way -- which means that he's got to use the Curtain Call to pin Pukespeare. It shouldn't be a problem, though -- Thunder will simply pound little Willie from bell to bell, and then he'll have all the time in the world to try the Curtain Call and put him away. You just don't mess with a man who knows the Cattle Buster DDT. Ah, ol' J.W., I miss him so... "Seven Tables of Fear"? Seven tables of _suicide_, more like. I'm not going to pick a winner out of Petrow and the Dirt Dog for their crazy match. It's an insane match for two insane men, and I'll just sit back, crack open a beer, and watch the two of them half-kill one another. This one's going to be brutal, folks. As is the Street Fight between the Sandman and Steve Kowalski -- these two men are going to start in the CN Highpoint Tower, but who knows where they could end up? Not that it matters -- because the Fury is going to put the Sandman away for good. The Syndicate's stranglehold on the IIWF's championships isn't going to be loosened next Saturday night. I'm predicting a comfortable win for Don McQueen's Dark Disciples over Dumb-ination, who seem more interested in tales of corruption than wrestling at the moment. And we now know that it will be the Prophets of Rage and Night Patrol battling it out for the new United States tag straps. Which of the two teams will take home the titles? My money's on the Prophets. As for the Dead Man Rising match, who's going to bet against former IIWF Champion Deathbringer? Highwayman's too European, Requiem's too weird, and Annis is... well, he's just Serge Annis. They're all wacko, but Deathbringer is the weirdest of the weird, and he'll be the victor in that match. The Wild Card match is something of a mystery, not least because of the Mystery Partner on widdle Wonnie Pawis' team. But one factor should decide this match, and that's Otto "the Butcher" Verhoeven. The burly German could carry any three deadbeats to a win in a match like this, and that's what he'll be doing next Saturday Night. The Butcher's going to turn the Skydome into an abbatoir. Finally, the Tar and Feathers match between Nightwing and Cheshire. I just hope, for Cheshire's sake, that the rumours about Kentucky Fried Chicken aren't true. Besides, I'm not sure how Colonel Sanders' original recipe would work on an eagle. Nightwing may be a useless injun mumbo-jumbo maniac, but he's bigger than Cheshire, stronger than Cheshire, and angrier than Cheshire. That clown had better quit clowning around and fight for his life in this one. Right, that's it from me for this week. I'm heading off to Toronto on Monday morning to see the sights... So I guess I'll be flying back from that Canadian hell-hole by about lunchtime. More words of wisdom in two weeks, morons. Until then, this is Steve Roberts telling you all to go to hell. ----------------------- OPTION #3: Can We Talk? ----------------------- Hi there, everybody. I'm Larry Morton, and as usual, I've been trailing the IIWF superstars over the past week to get their thoughts on a topical question. This week's poser: WHO'S GOING TO WIN THE KAUFFMAN vs. QUIGLEY MATCH NEXT WEEKEND? "QUICKSTRIKE" CHRIS QUIGLEY: "Do you even have to ask me this question? I think it's inevitable that no matter how long it takes, and no matter what I have to do, I'm going to send Dan Kauffman out of wrestling on a losing note!" PROPHETS OF RAGE: Shadoe: Certainly not the fans. Two has-beens and never-had-its going to battle on the Toronto stage? Man, can you stand the boredom. The first one that falls asleep loses. ME! Derek: Who cares when you'll have the Prophets of Rage winning it all, regardless of who they face. DIRT DOG UNIQUE ALLAH: "It's in Canada, right? How they gonna job a Canadian in his home? I ain't never heard a' Bret Hart losin' in Canada! That just don't work. If Quigley loses then he's really gotta suck! Yeah! That's what I'm sayin'." "OUTLAW" JOSEY WALES, manager of the HIGH PLAINS DRIFTERS: "I think Kauffman and Quigley are the only two who give a wild-cat's ass who wins." BILLY SHAKESPEARE: "I've met them both. They both wrestle well. But Dan has his pride on the line in his last match, and thusly more to lose. Chris is just starting his fame. Kauffman with the tough win." ALPHABET BOYS: Abie: Who? Zed: Yeah. "SOUNDBITE" STEVE ROBERTS: "Either way, the fans who have to watch are the real losers." GEMINI, manager of the ZODIAC CONNECTION: "The Zodiac Connection will support Dan Kauffman in one of his last matches here in the IIWF." STEVE "THE FURY" KOWALSKI: "Who gives a rat's ass? Let me ask you a question... Who thought this one up, Quigley or Kauffman?" CREED: "Don't care. Got other plans that night." SUPER SCOTT: "Ah... finally a great WRESTLING match. I know both of these guys and it'll be a pleasure to watch this. Now, I can't stand Kauffman's personality, or lack thereof, but he's a great talent, and I don't think he'll bitch like a damn Looper after Quigley kicks his ass. The Loop sucks... long live the IIWF! Oh, and by the way folks, just because I'm FOR the IIWF, doesn't mean I will take it easy on ya. The IIWF as a whole is great, but I still haven't seen anyone here that makes me the least bit nervous. Well, if I was trapped in a corner by those two fruitcakes, the Dark Disciples, I may get a bit nervous... but I don't plan on going to the Blue Oyster anytime soon, and since that's where they always are, I have nothing to worry about... As far as Quigley/Kauffman, Quigley wins." "SYCHOSYS" JOE PETROW: "My matches between the two should be a good barometer. Dan Kauffman reaffirmed his legend status, while Quigley made a fool of himself. The toughest part of this victory for Dan Kauffman will be trying to carry Quigley to an interesting match." "BADBOY" RANDY ACORN: "Hmm... Dan Kauffman. Chris Quigley is a punk and can't win a damn thing. But if he does... well, then it's all a set-up." CASEY "BLACKHEART" JAMES: "Me. Oh, wait..." BRIAN LAU: "Who cares? I hope they both break each other's neck in some stupid pretzel hold." TIGER CLAW: "That's like asking whether the sun precedes the moon or the other way around. Both men are technically gifted, and either one can take the win. It all depends on who makes the first mistake." "REAL DEAL" LUKE STEELE: "Two words for that, Dan Kauffman. Quigley may be a great competitor, but no-one's gonna beat the Flash. Why do you think I chose 'Black Cat' as my theme music? Because Kauffman used it once." NIGHT PATROL: Blazer: Who Cares? Keene: To be honest, it is Danny Boy's last fight... He'll give it all he's got, but he won't need much against Quigley. Hawkings: Kauffman, I've never really cared for you, but if you need any legal aid in retirement, give me a ring. "ENIGMA" TAKEZO MUSASHI: "I have had the honour of facing both of these warriors in the ring. Rarely do you find two competitors, possessed of such skill, courage and determination. Who will triumph in this battle for the ages? I predict that Chris Quigley will have the edge. Kauffman is worn down, he doesn't have the desire he possessed before his World title reign. Quigley is hungry, he has a fire in his eye and his skills have been honed to a fine edge. That will be enough for him to triumph." "LONE WOLF" BRODY THUNDER: "I got a better question... who cares?! Them two pretty-boys wanna knock each other's heads off... let 'em. The truth is Kauffman's losin' whatever edge he had an' Quigley... well, he's got the rep but he ain't the same man he once was. A winner? ....Got a coin?" OAK: "Quigley will win as Kauffman is in dire need of _my_ help. The man has got no direction in his life. He is a lost soul... turning his back on wrestling is the easy way out as the Cell so nearly found out for himself. But now, he's rejuvenated. Kauffman, I beg you, please don't quit. I would welcome you with open arms. There's still time if you need it!" MR. DAMAGE: "Basically I couldn't care less. Quigley is an over-rated over-paid piece of Canadian white trash and Kauffman is running scared, that's why he is retiring. I wish both of them would cease to exist -- not just retire, but no longer exist." MR. MIC, manager of PAIN INC.: "The more important question is: who cares about the match at Ring Wars III between Kauffman and Quigley?!" DOMINATION: Monster: Roaaaaarrr. Dani Jarvier: While you are all so busy wondering "who", you're forgetting the important question of why. Why will either of these two men win? I'll tell you why, because something has got to give. Okay, Coughman and Queerguy are jobbers compared to my perfection -- and don't even begin to get me started on the IC champion, Lady Bryon -- but Coughman has been paid to lose. That's right. And when Queerguy beats him, you'll see the truth. However, Domination will be tag champs by then, so there. THE SANDMAN: "I don't give a damn about either. The only thing I'm concerned with is called a Street Fight, a one way ticket to hell. Toronto, get ready for the NIGHTMARE!" MARTY WARNETT: "The IIWF, if Quigley gets his mouth shut permanently." DAN "FLASH" KAUFFMAN: "The better man." 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