[Fade up on a montage of famous moments from throughout the IIWF's history: Steve Roberts throwing Billy Shakespeare off the top turnbuckle; Brad Kinder raising the Intercontinental Championship; the Armed Forces attacking the United Nations. With each clip, snippets of the original commentary and crowd noise is heard. Soon, however, the soundtrack is drowned out by the introductory music kicking in, and the opening graphics explode onto the screen:] ##### ###### ### ########## ########## ########## #### ## ########## ########## ########## #### # #### ######## ##### ##### #### ## ##### #### #### #### #### ### #### #### #### #### ############# ######### #### #### ########### ######### #### #### #### #### #### ######### ######### ### #### #### ######### ######### ### ## #### ######## ######## ## # #### =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- ## =-=-=-= INTERNATIONAL INTERNET WRESTLING FEDERATION =============================================== C + L + A + S + S + I + C + S ----------------------------------------------- April 3, 1997 [Fade through to an IIWF studio. "Soundbite" Steve Roberts is seated at a desk in front of a bank of small video monitors, each of which is showing footage of various cataclysmic encounters from the IIWF's archives. The shot closes in on his face, and he speaks:] SR: Hello there, morons, and welcome once more to your half hour brush with greatness. I'm "Soundbite" Steve Roberts, the greatest damned announcer in this sport today, and it's time to trawl the archives one more time for another look back through the misty watercolour memory lane. Today, we're looking back to Ring Wars II, which originated from the Hoosier Dome last October. What a night it was -- Otto Verhoeven burying Deathbringer in a Casket Match to become the IIWF World Heavyweight Champion, Hakiro Matsuoko defeating the "Enigma" Takezo Musashi in a Log Scaffold Match, those morons, Rising Sun Revolution, stealing the tag team titles away from the Armed Faeces... but there was plenty of other action that night, and the match I'm about to show you has plenty of its own. One of the most heated rivalries of last autumn was that between rookie Welshman, Farty Walnut, and the Canadian bit-part actor, the "Showstopper" Simon Lebec, which culminated in the IIWF's first -- and to date, thank goodness, last -- Hair vs. Hair match. Which of these two individuals would leave the Hoosier Dome minus their beautiful barnet? Who would be unceremoniously shaven? Who would be shorn? Let's find out as we go back to Ring Wars II. Joining me in the commentary booth are Becky LaRue and Tim Dross. [Cut to footage subtitled, "October 12, 1996."] =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= HAIR vs. HAIR MATCH: =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= "Showstopper" Simon Lebec vs. Marty Warnett ------------------------------------------- TD: Marty Warnett and Simon Lebec have had more than their share of skirmishes lately [footage rolls of Lebec's attacks on Warnett, followed by Warnett's appearance with the doctored photo of a bald Lebec at Saturday Night.] but it should all be resolved here tonight. BL: In a "Hair versus Hair" match? Please, Timmy, you're the only one who would have nothing to lose in a match like this. SR: What are you talking about, Becky? Dross paid a lot of money for that rug of his. BL: And he probably put it on his expense account -- just like that dinner in New Orleans with that little bit.... TD: THAT will be enough of that! And you'll be interested to know, Becky, that the Lady DeWinter paid for that dinner! It DID NOT come from IIWF funds! BL: Jeez. You cheapskate! TD: There's no winning with you. Let's go up to the ring for our introductions. [The spotlight falls on Sparkplug Lee in the ring as he attempts to do the Macarena with several fans at ringside.] RA: Heeeyyyyy, Macar.... Uh, ahem. Ladies and gentlemen, this special "Hair versus Hair" match is one fall. Introducing first, from Cardiff, Wales in the United Kingdom and weighing in at 245 pounds, he is the teen heartthrob of the IIWF, [teenage girls begin squealing "Martyyyyyy!"] he is.... Marrrrrrty Warnett! ["Cold Gin" by Kiss begins to play as Marty strolls into the arena. He stops in front of a group of screaming young girls and flips back his long locks. Two of the girls pass out as Marty continues to the ring.] BL: I wonder if those little tarts will be that excited when Walnut is shaved bald here tonight. TD: Well, Simon Lebec has to WIN this match for that to happen. Personally, I have my doubts that he can win a fair fight. SR: Who said it has to be fair? [Cut back to Sparkplug Lee.] RA: And his opponent, from Hollywood, California, weighing in at 239 pounds and accompanied to the ring by Francois and Miss Crystal, he is the man they call "Showstopper," he is... Simonnnnnnn Lebec! [Big heel pop as Francois leads Simon Lebec and Miss Crystal down the aisle. Lebec holds a giant pair of scissors and clips them at Warnett on the way to the ring. All three ignore the fans who taunt them. Lebec enters the ring with the huge pair of scissors, then walks across the ring and clips them in Warnett's face before turning and laughing.] TD: That's just like Simon Lebec to taunt Warnett before this match. He even... hey! [Dross is cut short as Warnett charges Lebec and plants a knee in his back. Lebec goes down and the giant scissors fly from the ring with a clatter. Miss Crystal goes over to retrieve them as the referee calls for the opening bell: Ding! Ding! Warnett stays on the offensive, hitting Lebec with two drop kicks. He hits a big belly-to-belly superplex and goes for the quick cover: 1 - 2 - kickout! Lebec slides from the ring and strays over to Francois, whom the fans at ringside are calling "egghead" and "cue ball."] TD: Warnett didn't take Lebec's taunting well, and he almost ended this match very quickly. SR: Yeah, you could say that was a... close shave. BL: Heeheehee... snort. [Francois yells back insults in French at the fans at ringside, which only draws more fans into the shouting match. Frustrated, Lebec jumps back to the ring apron only to be met by a forearm smash from Lebec. Warnett then suplexes Lebec back into the ring and follows up with a leg drop. He pulls Lebec to his feet but is met by a rake of the eyes that temporarily blinds Marty. Lebec hits Warnett with a European uppercut, then unleashes an offensive attack of his own. He punishes Warnett with a snap suplex and a piledriver. Cover: 1 - 2- kickout!] SR: Things are getting pretty hairy in there for Walnut now, huh, Dross? TD: Marty Warnett is a tough competitor. This match is far from over. [Lebec locks on an arm bar and holds it until Warnett is able to get to the ropes. Lebec whips Warnett into the ropes and lands a big backdrop on the return. He scoops Marty up and delivers a backbreaker, the covers Warnett: 1 - 2 - kickout!] TD: That was arrogant of Lebec! He didn't even hook Warnett's leg on that cover. SR: He just about has the young punk out on his feet. BL: Looks like people will be calling Warnett "cue ball" now. [Lebec again whips Warnett into the ropes and goes for another backdrop, but he telegraphs the move and Marty turns it into a swinging neckbreaker. Both men go down and the referee begins the count: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7... Marty stirs and gets to his feet to break the count. As Lebec staggers to his feet, Warnett hits him with a clothesline and applies his figure four leglock. Big pop! But Lebec refuses to submit, and slowly pulls himself to the ropes. The referee forces Warnett to break the hold.] TD: Marty has come back in this match! He's definitely in control now. BL: Lebec is limping, but remember that wild animals are most dangerous when they're hurt. [Warnett clotheslines Lebec to the canvas again. As bends over to pull Lebec to his feet, the "Showstopper" grabs Warnett's hair and throws him through the ropes. Marty hits the floor hard. As the referee pushes Lebec back away from the ropes, Francois runs over and kicks Warnett in the ribs. Marty attempts to get up again, but Francois kicks him again.] TD: That's just like Simon Lebec -- needing help to keep Warnett out of the ring. SR: I'd call that payback for the little punk giving Francois a haircut last week. [The referee begins a count on Warnett, but Marty is able to roll under the bottom rope and back into the ring. Lebec lifts him and hits a powerbomb. Cover: 1 - 2- kickout! Lebec follows with a tombstone piledriver and another cover: 1 - 2 - kickout! Lebec again seems frustrated, but pulls Warnett to his feet and delivers a hard kick to the back of Marty's head. Warnett goes down quickly as Lebec becomes animated.] TD: Uh-oh, this could only mean one thing. SR: That's right, Dross. Lebec is going to slap on "The Antagonist" and then little Marty is going to get a haircut. HA! I love it! [Suddenly, there is a commotion at the top of the aisle, followed by a big pop. Chris Quigley tears down the aisle toward the ring, but is met by Francois. The two begin battling near the ring entrance and all eyes turn to the brawl. Even Lebec begins laughing in the ring.] BL: It looks like Simon Lebec was prepared for Quigley to interfere in this match. Francois is holding his own against that Canadian fool. SR: You'd think people would realize that Simon Lebec is too smart not to have a contingency plan. He was ready for... TD: Hold on, Steve! What's going on over there? [The camera pans to the opposite side of the ring, where "Painbringer" Billy Sexton is jumping over the ring guard. He carries what appears to be one of Lebec's awards.] TD: Great. Not only does Lebec have Marty hurt in the ring, but now Sexton is going to help him finish Warnett off. SR: I'm telling you, Dross, Lebec is a genius. [Lebec sees Sexton on the opposite side of the ring and motions for him to give him the award. But Sexton jumps to the ring apron and clubs Lebec with the award, then jumps down and disappears into the crowd as Lebec falls unconscious to the mat.] SR: What the hell?! TD: It makes sense now! Remember when Lebec interfered in Sexton's match with Warnett on Midweek Mayhem last month? Lebec hit "Painbringer" with that award and cost him a win. It looks like payback has come back to haunt Simon Lebec! [Quigley finally gains an advantage over Francois and knocks him out with a hard right hand. Warnett has begun to stir in the ring, although Miss Crystal jumps to the ring apron and prepares to clock him with the huge scissors. Quigley sees Miss Crystal and pulls her from the ring apron by her dress, which tears and gives the fans a good view of Crystal's underwear. She screams and runs up the aisle to the locker room, covering herself.] TD: Oh my goodness! BL: That's why momma always tells you to wear clean underwear, kids. SR: Wowee! I may have just gotten over Nurse Heidi! [Warnett, seeing Lebec unconscious in the ring, dives over and puts his arm across his opponent. The referee counts: 1 - 2 - 3! Ding! Ding! Ding! Huge pop!] RA: Here is your winner by pinfall... Martyyyyyy Warnett! [Quigley reaches the timekeeper's table and grabs a pair of electric trimmers which he tosses to Warnett. Marty catches them and begins sloppily cutting Lebec's hair as The Hoosier Dome erupts. Warnett carves several bald patches on Lebec's head and then trims the rest almost to the scalp. It is truly a bad job, but he doesn't seem to mind as he picks up a handful of Lebec's hair and tosses it into the crowd. He jumps down to celebrate with Quigley and they slap the fans' hands all the way to the locker room.] TD: This should be quite a cut at Simon Lebec's ego! BL: Was that a pun, Timmy? [Francois recovers and slowly revives Lebec, who sees the hair in the ring around him. He reaches for his scalp and goes ballistic, charging up the aisle as the fans laugh at him. Francois dutifully follows.] TD: That's a new look for Simon Lebec, fans! SR: Yeah, but hair grows back. Warnett and his buddies may not heal as quickly when Lebec gets his revenge. TD: Indeed. I have a feeling that Lebec will be looking for revenge from one "Quickstrike" Chris Quigley in the very near future. [Fade] +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= I * I * W * F =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-+ | President: Daniel Spreadbury | Vice-President: Steve Owens | | univ0322@sable.ox.ac.uk | sowens@admin.presby.edu | | iiwf@sisko.demon.co.uk | IIWFadmin@aol.com | +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- http://www.sisko.demon.co.uk -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=+