##### ###### ### ########## ########## ########## #### ## ########## ########## ########## #### # #### ######## ##### ##### #### ## ##### #### #### #### #### ### #### #### #### #### ############# ######### #### #### ########### ######### #### #### #### #### #### ######### ######### ### #### #### ######### ######### ### ## #### ######## ######## ## # #### =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- ## =-=-=-= H + O + T + L + I + N + E #1-900-325-IIWF =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= 6 April 1997 ----------------------------------------------- [click] --------------------------- OPTION #1: The Dross Report --------------------------- Hello there, folks, and thanks for calling the IIWF Hotline! You've reached the Dross Report update for April 6, 1997. I'm Tim Dross, and we're still feeling the shockwaves of the most tumultuous two weeks in the history of the IIWF. Just two weeks ago, we witnessed the most incredible night of wrestling action ever seen on pay-per-view as Dan Kauffman bowed out of active competition at Ring Wars III, and last night, the world was rocked by two shocking title changes, and an incredible performance from the red-gloved rookie, Creed, which should have taken him all the way to the IIWF World Heavyweight Championship. Also last night, we saw that tremendous "Go For The Gold" battle royal, from which "Sychosys" Joe Petrow emerged victorious. Three weeks ago, I reported that Petrow was considering retirement after Ring Wars III, but in fact he seemed to be considering far more drastic action, given his performance in that Seven Tables of Fear match against Dirt Dog Unique Allah. However, as the world now knows, Petrow decided against retirement, and vows to capture gold for his "Sychopaths". We'll see over the next three weeks as Petrow runs the Gauntlet whether he has what it takes to triumph over the odds stacked against him. But what fans may not know is that "Sychosys" is something of an idol in Japan. During the cooling down period from Ring Wars III, Joe Petrow returned to Japan to appear on the Tokyo television talk show "Shibuya de Chu" with character artist Tomo Sakurai. Speaking in fluent Japanese, Petrow spoke briefly about the IIWF, his views on life in Japan, and sang the song "Hidoi Boku da kedo" from his upcoming debut CD, to be released in Japan in late spring. The man apparently has more strings to his bow than we know about. Another man who is playing his cards very close to his chest is the enigmatic Oak, the leader of the mysterious religious cult which has ensnared the Cell. My sources indicate that Oak may in fact be hiding a shocking secret -- that he is in fact the Jailer, the man who held the Venusian Death Cell captive not behind the bars of lies and half-truths, but bars of steel, when the Cell first entered the IIWF last May. I have no confirmation of this, but perhaps Oak -- or should I say, the Jailer -- simply couldn't stand to be banished from the career of his former charge and has been plotting his return. Whereas the Cell has been very quiet of late, "Quickstrike" Chris Quigley has been making a lot of waves both in the arenas and in the locker rooms since Ring Wars III. His conduct has upset both IIWF administration and other athletes for some time, but since his admittedly huge victory over Dan Kauffman in what some are already calling the Match of the Year in the Skydome, his ego has allegedly ballooned to a quite unimaginable size. Fans may have noticed that Quigley has not made any appearances on the weekly report shows for some time, instead preferring the live IIWF events as the forums for his comments. Rumour has it that Quigley simply doesn't like sharing the spotlight with other IIWF athletes, and feels more at home in front of a live crowd. Certainly few athletes have inspired such heated debate in the locker rooms and the front offices as Quigley has throughout his career, but this is one man who likes to be in the headlines. And the headlines in the IIWF are certainly on the tag team scene just at the moment. Last night we saw both of the tag titles change hands in controversial fashion, as well as a degrading and disturbing attack on Asst. DA Brenda Hawkings perpetrated by former two-time World Tag Team Champions, the Dark Disciples. Reports indicate that Ms. Hawkings was not hurt in the kidnapping incident that unfolded last night, but Night Patrol are certainly baying for the blood of the Syndicate's tag partnership. The Disciples themselves, however, are hot on the trail of Pain Inc., the other half of Team Brutality, who managed to take the IIWF World Tag Team Championships from them. Although it's hard to condone the manner of Pain Inc.'s victory, it's been a long road for Mr. Mic's men since they entered the IIWF last September, and congratulations, albeit begrudging ones, are in order. The other new champions in the IIWF are the Harlequins, who defeated Night Patrol in their first title defense of the new United States Tag Team Championships -- although not without a little help from their friends. The Harlequins certainly showcased a new, more brutal attitude last night, and they're going to need it to fend off the furious Prophets of Rage, who believe with some justification that they should have been ranked as top contenders for the titles. They certainly have good claim for challenging the Harlequins now, especially given the fact that they defeated Tragedy and Chaos on their way to the US Tag Title Tournament final at Ring Wars. The Harlequins may also have attracted the attention of another hot tag team -- Cold Spell have been on a tremendous roll as of late, but Edmund Fitzgerald is said to be worried about his hotheaded young partner, Icehawk. Apparently, the Finnish high-flyer has developed something of a crush on the gorgeous red-headed Harlequin Comedy. No doubt this will not sit well with the possessive Tragedy, although a locker room conversation between Tragedy and his younger brother Chaos may prove significant. Earlier this week, Tragedy was heard to muse to his brother just why the pair of them are associated with Harlequins Comedy and Melody respectively. Chaos pointed out that Tragedy would be sleeping alone and that he himself would be institutionalised. To hear the somewhat base terms in which these sentiments were expressed will come as something of a surprise to the fans of the Harlequins -- indeed, I was under the impression that the relationship between the male and female members of the Harlequins was one based on mutual love and respect. However, like so much in this throwaway world in which we live, it appears that Tragedy and Chaos are simply using their opposite numbers for everything they can get. Something tells me Icehawk won't be very pleased about that. Things have never been as volatile in the IIWF as they are now -- a fact evidenced by the huge main event on last night's live show. Creed put in another tremendous performance against Casey James, one which, had it not been for the timely assistance of one Brody Thunder, would surely have taken him all the way to the top of the IIWF tree. However, when the Subway Psycho came to the ring -- partly to aid the rookie and partly, no doubt, to get his hands on hated nemesis Tiger Claw -- Creed wasted no time in planting the Psycho through the mat and leaving him in the ring for the Syndicate to set about him like a pack of wild dogs. Just a matter of weeks ago, the Subway Psycho and Creed were tag team partners as they defeated the pairing of Casey James and Mad Dog Watkins. It just goes to show that friendships don't last long in the cut and thrust world of the IIWF. Okay, folks, that's it from me for this week. Don't forget to dial us up next week for another dose of insider information, locker room whisperings, and the latest IIWF updates. Until then, this is Tim Dross, saying: so long, and thanks for calling! --------------------------- OPTION #2: Soundbite Speaks --------------------------- Hi there, morons and "L'il Soundbiters" alike. It's time for you to make your weekly offering to the temple of Steve "Soundbite" Roberts, as I benevolently toss tidbits of prime fillet inside information down to your starving, emaciated carcasses. Heh, ain't I great? You don't get where I've got today without breaking into a few offices and snooping around a bit, and this past week, having attended a meeting of the IIWF broadcast team, about which more later, I took a wrong turning on the way to the executive bathroom -- boy, do those guys up there in the front office have it good. I've never seen so much gold in a toilet stall before. But I digress, I took a wrong turning on the way to the john, and ended up in the office of the chairman of the booking committee. Being the opportunist that I am, I took the chance to have a quick flick through the papers on his desk, and I stumbled across the proposed lineup for Birthday Bash, the IIWF's next pay-per-view event, scheduled to emanate from the IIWF Coliseum on May 10, just three days after this fine organisation's first birthday. From what I gleaned, a double main event is on the cards. We already know that Chris Kick-Me will be getting beaten to a bloody pulp by the IIWF World Heavyweight Champion, whoever it may be -- and let's face it, even if the champ were that hissin' sid, El Super Gecko, we'd still see Kick-Me beaten to a bloody pulp -- but what you may not have heard is that the suits are planning the most outlandish one-on-one encounter I've ever seen in my twenty years in the sport. Imagine the scene: a steel cage, fifteen feet high, but large enough to allow a number of lumberjacks inside the cage and surrounding the ring. Now imagine, at the top of the cage, four chain-ladder walkways, one from each corner of the cage, meeting in the middle where a platform is suspended, able to swing freely on the four chains. Got the picture in your head? Okay, now who do you think the suits would put in a match like this? Surely it would be a couple of runtweights, right? Like the White Phoney and the Enema, right? Wrong. The suits, in their infinite wisdom, have decided to put two of the biggest, bulkiest men in the IIWF up there on that platform. One is a former World Heavyweight Champion. The other plays the most god-awful music I've ever heard. Yes, folks, we're talking about Deathbringer and Requiem. Up on that platform will be placed these two athletes' most treasured possessions -- Requiem's guitar and 'Bringer's scythe. The object of the match is to retrieve _both_ items and then get down from the platform to the floor outside the ring. I've seen some pretty crazy scaffold matches in my time, but none of them have matched this in risk. I only hope Deathbringer hits that Burial right from the top of the cage to the ring so we don't have to endure Requiem's putrid playing any longer. I've also seen some of the other matches scheduled for Birthday Bash, but I've said enough for one week. If you want to find out more, you'll have to let the ruthless IIWF administration scalp you for more of your disposable income next Sunday night. Hey, they said talk is cheap -- but they were wrong. Before I go, let me just quickly run down what's hot and what's not in the eyes of this all-knowing reporter this week. After all, we're all entitled to our opinions, but there's only one that counts, and that's mine. So what's hot this week? Brutality certainly seems high on the list -- Creed powerbombing the Psycho, Asst. DA Brenda Hawkings getting more than she bargained for on a stakeout, Pain Inc. using raw metal chunks to grab a pair of slightly more sculpted metal chunks, Nightwing getting the snot kicked out of him by the Syndicate. Much as I hate to admit it, Creed is also white hot here in the IIWF right now -- and he even brought a smile to my face when he planted that rotten stinking Subway Psycho through the mat last night. "Sychosys" Joe Petrow is also on a hot streak right now, and I wouldn't be surprised to see him take out the White Phoney next week -- although that might interfere in the plans of one Steve "Cruiserweight" Kowalski. And what's more limp than a cold chilli dog from the IIWF cafeteria this week? The dead weight, for starters -- stand up please, Hangmen Inc., Randy Acorn, the Cell and your entourage of "cloakers" -- incidentally, these guys wear hoods because they're ashamed to show their faces -- G.W.R., Domination and Rising Damp Devolution... Pick up your heels or pack it in, guys. And the Syndicate's had a bad week. Was Casey James looking past Creed to his battle with Chris Kick-Me at Birthday Bash? Were the Disciples over-confident, having survived previous assaults from Pain Inc.? Either way, Lau's men will need to turn their game up a notch in the next few weeks before they are blown apart from without -- and possibly from within. From what I hear, Brody Thunder has been lobbying Lau for a shot at Casey James' World Heavyweight Championship, and his action in pulling the referee from the ring last night may have been in self-interest, to ensure that "Blackheart" holds onto the belt until the "Lone Wolf" is ready to pounce. Anyway, I've told you morons more than deserved to hear for one week, even for $12.95 per minute. I'll be back next week with more information you simply won't hear anywhere else -- and not just the stuff I make up on the spot, either. Until then, the Soundbite has spoken. ----------------------- OPTION #3: Can We Talk? ----------------------- Hi there, everybody. I'm Larry Morton, and as usual, I've been trailing the IIWF superstars over the past week to get their thoughts on a topical question. This week's poser: IF YOU COULD DATE ANY WOMAN ALIVE, WHO WOULD IT BE? RONNIE PARIS: "I've already found her... [whispering]... although I do kinda have a crush on Jennifer Aniston... Noone's gonna hear this, right?" MR. MIC, manager of PAIN INC.: "Is Dross doing these questions?! Geez, I _can_ date any woman I want." DUNCAN MACBETH: "Wha' sort o' daft question is THA'?! I CAN date any woman alive, so wha's th' point o' even answerin'? Mind ye, tha' Lady DeWinter's a bonnie lass though, an' I would nae mind showin' tha' Becky LaRue tha' Porsche is nae th' only place where "high performance machines" come from, if ye get me drift!" NIGHT PATROL: HAWKINGS: Date a woman, huh? Well, I'll intrude and pick a guy... I've always had a crush on Lord Byron. He could Aristoclutch me anytime. LT. KEENE: Already done it, Morton... Everyone knows that Texas Tech cheerleaders are the best. SGT. BLAZER: I could say, but she knows who she is... MR. DAMAGE: "Thats an easy one: Mrs. Damage! And If I didn't say that I'd be in big trouble! Hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn! Did you ask Deathbringer? I don't know if he could answer that, you said any woman ALIVE! All his dates are... um... DEAD!" "QUICKSTRIKE" CHRIS QUIGLEY: "I don't know. Don't get me wrong, Steph is great, but I think maybe I'll go with the classic answer of Cindy Crawford. She probably likes guys in leather jackets, eh?" STEVE "THE FURY" KOWALSKI: "Gettin' a woman ain't the problem. Its findin' a challenge that is. I'd pick Melissa Ethridge. Ha ha ha. 'Cause my [BLEEP}'s so good, I'd straighten her ass out good and quick. Ha ha ha. Don't let it be said that the Fury ain't into charities. I do a good deed once in a while." IKE SAMPSON: "Toni Braxton. Did you see that dress at the Grammys?! Good God!" MAD DOG WATKINS: "My wife. Period. Paragraph." HIGHWAYMAN: "Why did you emphasise the word _alive_? Are you trying to insinuate something? If I had to pick anyone it would probably be Elizabeth Hurley, a true English rose." HANGMEN INC.: JUDGE ROY BEAN: Now that is an interesting choice of questions. The choice to date any women alive. The choice of picking from about half of the Earth's population should make for a hard, hehe, decision. However since I am single and have been out with some of the Earth's most beautiful women... I would have to pick the red-headed girl from my school days, Marty Singleton. HANGMAN: Easy, I like them nasty and I saw a film the other day, Tess Newheart. THE HANGMEN: We only date identical twins, sir. So any of the Doublement girls will do. THE AGE OF RAGE: SHADOE: Freak out, freak out! If there were any woman in the world that the Angel of Death could date it would have to be the flyest woman I've ever seen, the inimitable Angela Bassett! Oh yeah! DEREK RAGE: You tryin' to get me in trouble? Pizzazz is the only woman in the world for me. [whispering] But Lisa Leslie talks to me, you know? DIRT DOG: I gots to say it! Yeah! If I could have any woman in the world as my old Earth I think that big-booty cutie, Tisha Campbell, gotta be the one. Ah yeah! Flip it! Slap it! Rub it down! YEAAAAHHHHH! 'Scuse me, I just drooled on myself. I'm a nasty doggie... YEAAAHHHH! COLD SPELL: ICEHAWK: That's easy! I love redheads, and I love women that make me laugh, so it would be... [catches himself and starts blushing] ...umm... Lucille Ball. FITZ: [laughing] Lucille Ball?! She's dead! Tell the people the truth! ICEHAWK: [embarrassed] Shut up! TONY STARKS: "Tisha Campbell from the TV show Martin, for real." THE SYNDICATE: TIGER CLAW: What is this, a soap opera? Get out of my face. CASEY JAMES: Tiffany Million. Why? Because I know she puts out. BRIAN LAU: I can have any woman I want. I prefer the ones with strong backs so they can carry my luggage, though. [click] +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= I * I * W * F =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-+ | President: Daniel Spreadbury | Vice-President: Steve Owens | | univ0322@sable.ox.ac.uk | sowens@admin.presby.edu | | iiwf@sisko.demon.co.uk | IIWFadmin@aol.com | +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- http://www.sisko.demon.co.uk -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=+