##### ###### ### ########## ########## ########## #### ## ########## ########## ########## #### # #### ######## ##### ##### #### ## ##### #### #### #### #### ### #### #### #### #### ############# ######### #### #### ########### ######### #### #### #### #### #### ######### ######### ### #### #### ######### ######### ### ## #### ######## ######## ## # #### =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- ## =-=-=-= H + O + T + L + I + N + E #1-900-325-IIWF =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= 13 April 1997 ----------------------------------------------- [click] --------------------------- OPTION #1: The Dross Report --------------------------- Howdy, folks, and welcome to the IIWF Hotline. You've reached the Dross Report update for Sunday 13 April 1997. I'm Tim Dross, and I, like millions of fans around the world, am still in shock following the events of last night, when Spur was unmasked, revealing the meddlesome masked man to be none other than IIWF mainstay and fan favourite, "Spotlight" Billy Shakespeare. I'll be talking a whole lot more about that revelation and all the other backstage events of the IIWF over the past week in the next few minutes, so don't you move a muscle. The pace of action here in the IIWF simply hasn't let up since the incredible action of Ring Wars III several weeks ago, and the strain is beginning to take its toll on a number of IIWF superstars. There are currently more injuries among the ranks of the IIWF's rosters than at any other time in the league's history. The wrestlers of the IIWF are phenomenal athletes, but their performances are doing their bodies some extensive damage. They may be heroes and villains in the eyes of the fans, but they are only men, and many wrestlers have taken one hell of a beating in recent weeks in their quest for gold, glory or recognition. Let's run down the injuries sustained last night at the IIWF Coliseum. Steve "the Fury" Kowalski, rumoured to be lining up for a battle with Intercontinental Champion Lord Byron next Saturday Night, faces a substantial fine for his actions in lacerating both the White Phoenix's forehead and Joe Petrow's right shoulder with that metal gauntlet as he brought an abrupt end to Sychosys' Gauntlet Challenge. The Phoenix's cut was deep but quickly closed, and he won't be missing any ring time, but Petrow may not be so lucky. After his wound was closed by thirteen stitches in his shoulder, Petrow was ordered by medical personnel, who found him to be a most difficult patient, not to move his shoulder or risk reopening the wound for a week -- of course, within half an hour, Petrow had come back out into the arena and attacked Kowalski, but something tells me that the "asspump" he delivered on the New Jersey Nightmare in the aisle last night won't be sufficient vengeance for Joe Petrow. "Sychosys" also suffered damage to his right knee, which has been strapped and will be subject to further examination this coming week. Mad Dog Watkins is still sporting that cast on his right arm after the fracture suffered at the hands of Creed, and thanks to that prosthesis, the Highwayman is now sporting a minor concussion after being belted around the head with it. However, the Englishman isn't expected to miss any ringtime, although his interviews could be interesting for a day or two -- his tongue, which he bit during his match against Watkins, has reportedly swollen up quite severely as the cut heals. "Quickstrike" Chris Quigley has been wrestling on a sprained ankle since his match with Dan Kauffman at Ring Wars III, and his exhausting time limit draw with the impressive Dirt Dog Unique Allah last night is said to have aggravated the injury. Quigley, however, refuses to take time away from the ring to allow the sprain to heal. This man, with his incredibly competitive nature, could be his own worst enemy, folks. Luke Steele suffered a damaged left knee in his match with Ronnie Paris last night, thanks to a steel chair wielded by the masked Billy Shakespeare -- about whom more in a moment -- and he will be looking for clearance from his physician to return to the ring in time for his match with Mad Dog Watkins next Saturday Night. Meanwhile, his opponent last night, Ronnie Paris, escaped from what was a very punishing and hard-hitting Towel Match with minor bruising to his lower back and right shoulder. He is also not expected to miss any ring time, and is expected to wrestle next Saturday Night -- I understand that following the events of last night, he has challenged Billy Shakespeare to a match as soon as it can be signed. It seems Billy Shakespeare has a great deal of explaining to do following the revelation last night that the mysterious masked wrestler known only as Spur was, in fact, some kind of bizarre alter ego. I've been speaking to various sources close to Billy, who are for the most part as shocked as the rest of us about this discovery. It is clear that Shakespeare kept his secret identity extremely close to his chest, and some have even suggested that Billy may not even have known that he was Spur! Now this may sound far-fetched, folks, and far be it from me to suggest that one of the most popular wrestlers in the world today, the man who was the IIWF's inaugural Cruiserweight Champion, and has also worn the Intercontinental Championship with pride, is suffering from some kind of multiple personality disorder, but the facts seem to fit. I've been trawling back through the IIWF's archives, and Spur's debut seems to coincide with a period of great trauma in Billy Shakespeare's personal and professional lives. Spur, who arrived in the IIWF unannounced, and contracted on a "per match" basis, made his debut just one week after Billy Shakespeare suffered a fairly severe trauma to the head at the hands of Brody Thunder, and was forced to wear protective headgear for his matches over the next few weeks. Is it possible that Spur is some kind of manifestation of Shakespeare's subconscious or darker side? Shakespeare has worn the emblem of the theatre, the "tragi-comedy" masks, on his tights throughout his career -- perhaps Spur is the "tragic" side of his personality. I'm still not sure what to make of all this, folks. There's definitely a whole lot more to this modern-day "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" story, and I hope to speak with Billy myself in the very near future to get to the bottom of this. I'll keep you posted. Moving on -- I came into contact with a confidential top-level memo earlier this week which listed a number of IIWF superstars whose contracts are nearing renewal, and who are regarded by certain front office officials as not having performed to the highest degree of which they are capable. I'm not in a position to release any names at this stage, but I think it's safe to say that we may see a little movement in both the singles and tag team rosters in the next few weeks -- two singles wrestlers were listed, along with two tag teams, and an entire stable. As soon as anything becomes official, I'll pass along the information. Last week, I passed comment on the disturbing change in attitude of the United States Tag Team Champions, the Harlequins. Their rulebreaking tactics, first displayed in their title victory over Night Patrol last week, continued last night as they were cost a match against veteran duo the High Plains Drifters thanks to the Prophets of Rage. Locker room sources report that Chaos has not been getting along with Comedy as of late. Apparently, Chaos is getting a little jealous of the attention afforded her by his elder brother, Tragedy, especially given their impending wedding. Perhaps that explains Chaos' sour inquiry to his brother that I reported last week right here on the Dross Report. Finally, a brief word about the recently retired Dan Kauffman, who announced last week in LaRue's Lair that he would be making an appearance as an announcer at Birthday Bash. The dangers of live television are well-documented -- the IIWF has had its fair share of unfortunate incidents which would have been better off unseen by a television audience of millions -- and while Kauffman's promise to be at the broadcast table on May 10 may have seemed inoccuous enough to the great American public, it has come to my attention that behind closed doors, IIWF officials and front office staff are seething. It turns out that Dan Kauffman had not even sought permission to make an appearance as a broadcaster at the event from any official at any point in the IIWF's hierarchy before announcing his promised appearance on live television, beamed worldwide. This isn't the first time that Kauffman has leaped before he has looked and ended up antagonising a number of IIWF officials with his comments or conduct, but the IIWF President is reticent to revoke Kauffman's promise for fear of a backlash from angry fans. However, I have it on good conduct that Kauffman's intentions to be behind the microphone at Birthday Bash has raised the ire of a number of the broadcast staff -- in particular, my colleague Larry Morton, who has been working hard to get a play-by-play spot at a live IIWF event for the five months since IIWF Midweek Mayhem was cancelled last fall, is said to be very unhappy. Larry feels that his talents are currently being wasted in his current capacities as co-host of the Friday "Countdown to Saturday Night" show and as backstage reporter for IIWF Saturday Night. Well, Larry, if you're looking to take my spot at the broadcast table on Saturday Nights, you've got another thing coming. Good ol' TD is staying right where he is. Okay, folks, that's all from me for this week. I'll be back next Sunday night with another update of all the exclusive news, behind the scenes rumours and speculation concerning the superstars of the IIWF. Until then, this is Tim Dross, saying: so long, and thanks for calling! --------------------------- OPTION #2: Soundbite Speaks --------------------------- Hey, morons, I've not got much time this week -- a hot date awaits, so all you "L'il Soundbiters" out there had better listen up and listen good, because this is going to have to be short -- but, oh, so sweet. Last week I brought you the exclusive details of one half of the main event at Birthday Bash, the absurd Master of Darkness match between Deathbringer and Requiem -- and I had that streaky-haired freak coming after me with his guitar this week for revealing the stipulations before he was ready for them to come to light. Listen here, you talentless punk, I don't care who you say you are -- you could be an avenging angel, like you say, or perhaps you're just a really bad guitarist, which you wouldn't admit to -- but you're not Steve Roberts, and that means you simply don't have a say. Steve Roberts decides when the great unwashed are to be told of important developments in the IIWF, and nobody else. Understand? So take that guitar and that albino freak of a sister of yours, and crawl back into your hole. Just be thankful I didn't hit you with my Asai moonsault. Let's see who I can upset with this week's update. As promised, I'm going to reveal another match for the upcoming Birthday Bash pay-per-view. Last night, the tension between "Crazy" Joe Petrow and the New Jersey Nightmare, Steve "the Fury" Kowalski, was certainly stepped up a few notches, and I can now announce -- unofficially, of course -- that Kowalski's match with Petrow on May 10 will be a special "Birthday Bash" match. How appropriate, huh? Now, Kowalski and Petrow have some of the most fanatical fans in the IIWF today -- although their factions would get pasted by the "L'il Soundbiters" in a real fight -- in the "Furies" and the "Sychopaths", respectively. Petrow's fans, in particular, have expressed their keenness to get involved in their hero's matches, sometimes at great cost to their personal well-being. Well, at Birthday Bash, the fans of these two men will get a chance to be involved in the match, and it'll be completely legal. Any object handed to either wrestler by any member of the crowd is legal and may be used in the match -- and this is going to be a wild brawl. The possibilities are endless. We could see everything but the kitchen sink used in this one. I also understand that the fledgling European Alliance, the partnership between Otto Verhoeven and IIWF Intercontinental Champion Lord Byron -- who is still, incidentally, the ESWP European Champion after his first successful defense last Monday night -- is lining up some killer stipulations for the Butcher's upcoming match with Tony Starks, just signed for Birthday Bash. And Starks has found himself catapulted straight into one of the biggest matches of career next Saturday Night, when he'll challenge IIWF World Heavyweight Champion Casey James. If you ask me, that no-good cripple isn't worthy of a title shot -- but I'm sure that between them, the combined forces of the Syndicate and the European Alliance will be more than happy to send Starks back into the hospital. Okay, folks, I'm outta here. I've gotta go get ready for my date. I would tell you who I'm taking out to dinner tonight, but you just wouldn't believe me. Perhaps I'll give you the lowdown on that, as well as more exclusive information you simply won't hear anywhere else, next weekend. Until then, this is the finest damned announcer in the world today, saying: get off the phone and stop wasting your money! ----------------------- OPTION #3: Can We Talk? ----------------------- Hi there, everybody. I'm Larry Morton, and as usual, I've been trailing the IIWF superstars over the past week to get their thoughts on a topical question. This week's poser: WHAT WAS THE LAST CD YOU BOUGHT? "QUICKSTRIKE" CHRIS QUIGLEY: "A CD called "Scenery and Fish" by a Canadian band known as I Mother Earth. They're a really great band that could pass off as alternative with a mix of hard rock, without the depressing messages of garbage bands like Smashing Pumpkins or something like that." MAD DOG WATKINS: "That'd have to be the Miles Davis and John Coltrane CD that Tim Dross recommended. Two of the hippest cats ever. Don't know why I didn't buy it sooner." LARRY MORTON: "John Tesh live at the Final Four." DUNCAN MACBETH: ""To The Moon" by Capercaillie. Best bleedin' version of "Ailein Duinn" I've ever heard! Och, but tha' Davy Spillaine can play th' pipes, an tha' Karen Matheson's as beautiful as 'er pure, sweet voice! This album's got it all -- music t' dance to, music t' romance to -- are ye listenin' Becky? -- an' music t' kick th' livin' Jaysis out o' people to! Magic!" PROPHETS OF RAGE: Shadoe: "Life After Death... 'til Death Do Us Part" by the Notorious B.I.G. Rest in peace, Big. I'm lookin' out for you." Derek: Erykah Badu's "BAduizm." That girl knows how to set a mood. Zazzy can't even resist it when I play her. DIRT DOG UNIQUE ALLAH: "I don't get CDs. I tried playin' em on my phonograph, but it just didn't work. Naw, I'm just fuhing wit' cha. I don't buy CDs 'cause they just cost too much damn money for somethin' that cost but 50 cents to produce. Ya know whutI'msayin'? Last CD I bought? Handel's "Messiah". Figure that out, muhfuh! Yeah!" RONNIE PARIS: "Let me think... Actually, just last week I bought my dad one of those CDs where all the current artists gets dubbed over Sinatra songs. The last one I bought for myself would probably be... Nah, I'd better not say. Suffice to say I'm a country-western fan, and we'll leave it at that." NIGHT PATROL: Sgt. Blazer: Last CD I bought was a 36-month down at First Federal... Gotta build that nest egg, y'know. Hawkings: I think they're talking about the other kind of CDs, Sergeant... The last one I picked up was "Appetite for Destruction" by Guns 'n' Roses... took me back to high school. Lt. Keene: I'm not that into music, but I've always been a fan of The Police, of course. MR. MIC, manager of PAIN INC.: "The last CD, huh? Oh yeah, I bought that new COPS CD. It's just sixty minutes of two guys from Houston eating doughnuts!" DEREK MOTA: "It was "Vulgar Display of Power" by Pantera. Frankly, they're just about the only guys who understand where the world is going these days, and that's down the tubes. These guys are angry enough to change the world. Just like I am." THE SYNDICATE: Casey James: I just went on a CD binge. I bought Machine Head's "The More Things Change..." and "Necroticism: Descanting the Insalubrious" by Carcass, which I've wanted to get for a while. I also picked up "To Ride, Shoot Straight and Speak the Truth" by Entombed. I guess you've noticed that my tastes are a little on the harsh side. Tiger Claw: What does it matter? Brian Lau: Well, the last CD I bought has made me enough money to renovate my office in the Dojo... I'm glad someone's asking me about investments. You know... What? Then _what_ kind of CD? Music? I don't have time to listen to music! Get the hell out of here! STEVE "THE FURY" KOWALSKI: "Let's see... I went down to Mickey's Music yesterday and found the import section. I picked up a live recordin' of Stevey Ray Vaughan with Double Trouble in Osaka '89. I think is was called "Asian Flood". Whatever the title, it kicks ass. No one played the axe like Stevey." "REAL DEAL" LUKE STEELE: "The last CD I bought was actually by the Spice Girls. What can I say? They're like a virus that I just can't shake!" MR. DAMAGE: "It may surprise you, but I am a bit of a music fanatic with over a thousand CDs and LPs. In actual fact my last purchase was by an Australian band called The ONYAS, with their pleasantly titled "Get [bleep]faced with The Onyas". They're a great rock and roll punk band. I'll probably get the blues legend R.L. Burnside's "Mr. Wizard" next." REQUIEM: "The Music Of The Unknowingly Damned burns bright as the midday sun within my soul. Its terrifying beauty and majesty eclipses all other music. Neither Gabrielle or I purchase compact discs." IKE SAMPSON: "Toni Braxton. Did you see that dress she wore at the Grammies?! Good God!" 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