##### ###### ### ########## ########## ########## #### ## ########## ########## ########## #### # #### ######## ##### ##### #### ## ##### #### #### #### #### ### #### #### #### #### ############# ######### #### #### ########### ######### #### #### #### #### #### ######### ######### ### #### #### ######### ######### ### ## #### ######## ######## ## # #### =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- ## =-=-=-= H + O + T + L + I + N + E #1-900-325-IIWF =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= 20 April 1997 ----------------------------------------------- [click] --------------------------- OPTION #1: The Dross Report --------------------------- Howdy, folks, and thanks for calling the IIWF Hotline. You've reached the Dross Report update for Sunday 20 April 1997. I'm Tim Dross, and I've barely had a chance to catch my breath following another incredible night of action in the IIWF Coliseum last night. I'll be running down the highs, the lows, the injuries and the iniquities of the fastest, most exciting two hours on television. Controversy has been raging all weekend concerning the ruling made by the IIWF President late last week which imposes strict limitations on the number of non-wrestling personnel permitted at ringside during tag team matches. In consultation with the Special Concerns Committee, the IIWF President ruled that, with the exceptions of the Gemini twins, managers of the Zodiac Connection, and Harlequins Melody and Comedy, valets of the United States Tag Team Champions, every team may only be accompanied to the ring by one manager, valet, bodyguard, or regular joe off the street. Both the Prophets of Rage -- who, it must be said, rely more on the chaos caused outside the ring by Pizzazz and Medusa Rage than on their tag team skills -- and Pain Inc. -- whose bodyguard Hades has been known to interject himself in matches from time to time -- have threatened the IIWF with litigation on grounds of discrimination. They argue, with some justification, that there should be no distinction made between, say, the Gemini twins and the Prophets' two valets. The IIWF President maintains that the area of dispute concerns the definition of a managerial "unit", arguing that since the Gemini twins have never been seen to exercise individual volition, operating only as a duo, they may be said to represent a single "unit". Meanwhile, Harlequin Melody is permitted at ringside for medical reasons, he states. Well, folks, I'm not sure about that, but I know the IIWF President has taken this matter under advisement for some time, and he believed that by appealing to common sense, the constant interference in tag team matches could be weeded out. Not so, it seems. As a result, I have learned that an emergency meeting of the Special Concerns Committee was held behind closed doors in IIWF Towers earlier today, and I understand that a temporary decision has been made pending legal assessment of the suits filed by the Prophets and Pain Inc. The IIWF President will announce tomorrow morning that until one representative from each tag team meets with the IIWF Special Concerns Committee in an open forum to hammer out a suitably agreement regarding managers and valets at ringside, _no_ managers, valets, or non-wrestling personnel of any nature will be permitted at ringside during tag team matches. Failure to observe this rule will result in an immediate disqualification. It may seem to be a draconian measure, but I applaud the IIWF President and the Special Concerns Committee for standing up for fair play. After all, the IIWF has the best tag teams in the world of wrestling today -- and if they are not willing to stand or fall on their own skills in a fair contest, then what does that say about the work ethic of athletes in our great sport? No doubt we'll be hearing a great deal more about this situation in the days and weeks to come. We saw some more tremendous action in the IIWF Coliseum last night -- action, which, as usual, took its toll on the physical condition of some of the athletes. Luke Steele suffered a broken nose in his match against Mad Dog Watkins, but it was set by members of the medical team backstage last night, and Steele is said to be doing fine. The match between Ronnie Paris and Billy Shakespeare had casualties both inside and outside the ring. Paris' fiancee, Maggie Collins, inadvertently nailed by a dropkick in the course of the match, suffered some bruising, but she'll be fine. Paris himself was suspected of suffering from a separated right shoulder after the match, but upon visiting Portland General Hospital this morning, it transpires that the shoulder is merely bruised. Paris has had his arm strapped, and should be able to wrestle again within seven to ten days. Shakespeare, meanwhile, bruised the cartilage in his right knee, but is not expected to miss any ring time. And the gash on the forehead of the Subway Psycho, who was busted open when he was subjected to a piledriver onto a steel chair by Creed in that incredible main event last night, took quite some closing backstage after the show. However, the Psycho was checked over thoroughly, and isn't expected to miss any ring time. Turnabout is fair play -- or so the saying goes. Steve Kowalski may be questioning the truth of that maxim, as he was treated to a taste of his own medicine last night by Joe Petrow, the man who he attacked with a steel gauntlet one week earlier, and with whom he has a date at Birthday Bash on May 10. Petrow jumped him after his defeat at the hands of Lord Byron -- handed to him by the other man who received a shot from that gauntlet last Saturday Night, Cruiserweight Champion the White Phoenix -- and attempted to suffocate him with a plastic bag while turning the air in the IIWF Coliseum a bright shade of blue with the most explicit outburst ever heard in an IIWF broadcast. It seems that things may finally be catching up with the Fury, after what has been to date a relatively charmed life in the IIWF. Another man who is looking for a little payback on Kowalski is head of the IIWF's Special Concerns Committee, Poutine Janois. Kowalski put Janois in the hospital some two months ago with a vicious Skullpump one Saturday Night, and Janois has only just this week returned to front line action at IIWF events after a lengthy spell of convalescence. My sources tell me that Janois has asked for the night off from working Birthday Bash on May 10 for undisclosed "personal reasons". I have to believe that given the unique nature of that "Birthday Bash" match, in which fans will be able to hand items to either Petrow or Kowalski to use as weapons, Janois may just be there to finally get some revenge on the Fury. Locker room whisperings this week suggest that there are growing problems between the leader of the mysterious cult which has ensnared both the Cell and tag team contenders, Domination, known only as Oak, and the administration of the IIWF. Although Oak is a master at keeping his cards close to his chest, some of his recent plans have been leaked to IIWF officials over the course of the past week by concerned individuals who have come into contact with the cult. There has been talk of electric cattle prods, ceremonial daggers and a ring full of poisonous snakes -- and Poutine Janois was concerned enough to put the cult members under security guard all night at yesterday's show to prevent them interfering in the course of events. It is understood that Domination, keen to announce their return to the rings following the injury of Monster before Ring Wars III, were set to storm the ring during last night's main event between the Subway Psycho and Creed, douse both athletes with water, and then proceed to electrocute them with powerful cattle prods. It's just as well that Janois got wind of these plans, since such an attack could have ended in severe injury or, in a worst case scenario, death. I spoke with a security guard who was part of the team posted outside the cult's locker room last night, and he stated that the cult appears to have added a new member to its entourage. The security guard stated that this man must have been getting on for seven feet tall, and weighs in excess of four hundred pounds. Rumour has it that his moniker is... wait for it... Chainosaurus. The IIWF has not granted this individual a manager's license, and in view of the recent crackdown on non-wrestling personnel at ringside, don't expect to see this monster at ringside any time soon. I understand that talks will be held with Oak and his cult early next week to discuss their recent conduct. Oak seems to hold the rules and regulations of the IIWF -- which are enforced to ensure the safety not only of the fans, but also of the athletes -- in very low esteem, and it is possible that he and his men could be ousted from the IIWF if such offences continue. Finally, folks, it's true: Randy Acorn, who lost an impromptu "Loser Leaves Town" match to newcomer Derek Mota last night, is gone from the IIWF. Despite his arrogant attitude in front of the fans, Acorn was always a true gentleman behind the scenes, and he will be missed by his fellow athletes. Another departure from the IIWF this week has been tag team G.W.R., who had been unsettled for some time. I understand that the relationship of General Kane with the administration of the IIWF deteriorated over a period of several weeks, and ultimately, the front office simply released G.W.R. from their contracts. Another team who we may not see again in the IIWF is the Players' Club. "Desirable" Danny Dynamite and "Maverick" Michael Reyna were granted indefinite leave after a brutal attack at the hands of the "Outlaw" J.W. Hardin and Brody Thunder a couple of months ago, and I understand that although Dynamite is eager to get back into the ring wars, Reyna is not so enthusiastic, and is enjoying a quality of life in Minnesota that he has missed due to the rigours of travelling the length and breadth of the country wrestling night after night. Dynamite is currently negotiating with the IIWF to enter as a singles wrestler, but no agreement has yet been reached. That just about wraps it up for me here tonight, folks. I'll be back next Sunday with more behind the stage rumours, speculation, and updates on all the breaking stories here in the IIWF. Until then, this is Tim Dross, saying: so long, and thanks for calling! --------------------------- OPTION #2: Soundbite Speaks --------------------------- Okay, morons, pull up a chair and listen good. Steve Roberts is here, and it's time for your weekly dose of wisdom from the "Soundbite" -- all for the measly sum of $12.95 per minute. First, as promised last week, allow me to divulge the details of my hot date with the fam... [The sound begins to crackle. A gravelly voice chants:] Obey Oak. Obey Oak. Obey Oak. Obey Oak. [After twenty seconds or so, Steve Roberts' voice crackles back in:] ...she had no idea how she got there. The elk looked surprised, too. Beat that, Becky LaRue! Okay, morons, on with the news. For the past two weeks, I've broken the scoops concerning the IIWF's next pay-per-view spectacular, Birthday Bash, coming up on May 10, and I'll give you another scoop right here tonight. You'll remember that last week, I revealed that Otto Verhoeven was set to challenge Tony Starks to a German Death Match -- and last night it happened. Starks may have carried that contract backstage, but, as we all know, that Staten Island moron can't even read, so he asked yours truly to explain to him exactly what he was condemning himself to. It was a tough job -- it's hard to explain the rules of a match using just the syllables, "Ugh" and "Ergh" -- but I think I finally gave that cripple a clue. The stipulations are as follows. It's a two out of three falls steel cage match, in which the winner of the first fall is then allowed to decide what type of rules the next fall is fought under -- for example, submission rules, Texas Death countout rules, escape rules, and so on. If the loser of the first fall is able to overcome the odds and win the second fall, he is then given a chance to choose the rules under which the final fall is to be contested. Of course, what all this means is that Verhoeven simply gets to choose how he pastes Starks to the mat on May 10. The card for Birthday Bash is now shaping up, and I'm going to do you a big favour here, and run it down for you as it currently stands. The event is headlined by that double main event: in one half, Chris Kick-Me gets his shot at the IIWF World Heavyweight Championship, which is superglued around the waist of Casey James; and in the other half, Requiem and Deathbringer will do battle in that crazy-ass Master of Darkness Match. The Intercontinental Championship will be on the line as Lord Byron defends against Creed -- or somebody else, if anyone manages to end Creed's unbeaten streak between now and May 10. Verhoeven will crush Starks in a German Death Match, Crazy Joe Petrow and Steve "the Cruiser" Kowalski will slug it out in a "Birthday Bash" match, the Subway Psycho will clash with Tiger Claw, and IIWF World Tag Team Champions Pain Inc. will defend against former stablemates, Night Patrol. That's eight matches in total, folks. The scheduled match between Mad Dog Watkins and Brody Thunder has been moved forward two weeks to next Saturday Night's two-hour show on free TV, and I don't think we'll be seeing it at Birthday Bash as a result. However, from speaking to the bozos in the front office, it sounds like one or two more matches may be added to the card -- they're marketing this event as a "mid-priced" pay-per-view, so it will be on a similar scale to the normal weekly Saturday Night show. That stinks of ruthless profiteering to me, folks, but, hey, I get a bonus for working pay-per-views, so I'm not complaining. I'll continue to bring you the latest developments concerning Birthday Bash right here on the IIWF Hotline -- if I'm feeling generous. Before I go, a quick run down of what's hot and what's not in the IIWF right now. First of all, what's hot: Mr. Damage, who extended his unbeaten streak last night with a famous victory over Deathbringer; litigation -- since two tag teams have levied the IIWF with law suits in the past seventy-two hours; French toast -- what kind of moron would eat it cold; claymores, thanks to that unintelligible Scots brawler, Duncan Macbeth; and the salads in the IIWF Cafeteria, although they really shouldn't be. And what's not: the cult and their over-the-top antics -- hey, I like to see blood in matches, but poisonous snakes? Please. Litigation: yeah, it's hot and it's not. The more the IIWF loses in legal fees, the less likely I am to get a pay rise this month. And Steve Summer -- that little moron is getting too big for his boots, and it's about time Steve Roberts showed him what a real broadcaster is like. That's it for this week, morons. Don't forget to buy those "L'il Soundbiters" shirts, now. Until next week, this is "Soundbite" Steve Roberts, saying: Larry Morton's a freak. ----------------------- OPTION #3: Can We Talk? ----------------------- Hi there, everybody. I'm Larry Morton, and as usual, I've been trailing the IIWF superstars over the past week to get their thoughts on a topical question. This week's poser: WHICH TV SHOWS DO YOU NEVER MISS? SERGE ANNIS: "Television bores me because I always have better things to do... I am a little partial to those Bradys though..." "SYCHOSYS" JOE PETROW: "Hmm, this sounds a heck of a lot like something else I was asked a few weeks back, but I just can't put my finger on it. Anyway, I always try to catch "ER", 'cuz it's a great source of inspiration for thinking of new ways to torture my opponents." "REAL DEAL" LUKE STEELE: "Seinfeld. No doubt there, Baby Dolls, gotta watch the K-Man!" MARTY WARNETT: "Well, I liked those Spud McKenzie adverts... obviously, every IIWF show to see Quigley's latest relevant insights into life, the universe, and nothing. The Simpsons, the X-Files, Babylon 5, Dark Skies, y'know, the lighter kinda stuff." MR. DAMAGE: "Let's see now... we have Neighbours, Home And Away, Melrose Place, Gladiators... NOT! I can't go without The Simpsons, M*A*S*H and Australian Football." MAD DOG WATKINS: "I try to watch all IIWF programming, and, of course, Sportscenter when I'm relaxing in my hotel room while on tour. Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta go start me a little sumthin' sumthin'." "QUICKSTRIKE" CHRIS QUIGLEY: "I don't watch too much TV. I guess Hockey Night in Canada is one show I try to watch when I get the chance. I quit watching sitcoms when Cheers went off the air." MR. MIC, manager of PAIN INC.: "TV show, huh? Probably Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. 'Cause I'm always on it." RONNIE PARIS: "Definately Sportscenter... gotta check up on my Stars! They're going all the way, forget about Colorado. Oh, I like ER. Who doesn't like ER?" STEVE "THE FURY" KOWALSKI: "Right now the only thing I'm watchin' is hockey. The New Jersey Devils are coastin' to another championship. Kinda like me." TONY STARKS: "There are three shows I never miss: New York Undercover, Martin and whenever the Knicks are playing on TV. You got a problem with that? Yeah..." GEMINI, managers of the ZODIAC CONNECTION: "All of the Zodiac Connection boys can't seem to get enough of the Twilight Zone!" THE SYNDICATE: Tiger Claw: Leave... Me... Alone. Casey James: Well, I find that television doesn't have much that appeals to me. "Homicide: Life on the Street" is cool, but with censorship being what it is, well you know... You'd never see a Goodfellas-type beating on television without the censor guys hitting the cut button... Speaking of which... [pauses] FU[BLEEP]! Man, those guys are quick... Brian Lau: Read a book, you morons. IKE SAMPSON: "I try to never miss the Grammies. Did you see that dress Toni Braxton was wearing?! Good God!" [click] +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= I * I * W * F =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-+ | President: Daniel Spreadbury | Vice-President: Steve Owens | | univ0322@sable.ox.ac.uk | sowens@admin.presby.edu | | iiwf@sisko.demon.co.uk | IIWFadmin@aol.com | +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- http://www.sisko.demon.co.uk -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=+