[Fade up on rapidly-cutting shots of IIWF superstars in memorable moments from their careers: Louie the Ninja unmasking to reveal the Subway Psycho; Dan Kauffman tapping out of Chris Quigley's fuginama armbar; the Hangman stealing Fisto Flash's metal prosthesis; the High Plains Drifters riding down to ringside on horseback and hog-tying the Harlequins. Above these continuing shots come the opening graphics:] ________ ______ __ __ __ . __ __ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __| / | /\ / / | / / | || | \ v v / | __|| | /__\ \__ \__ || \__ |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| \__ |___/ \ \ \| \__ \ _______________________________________/___/________/ August 21 1997 [Fade up on studio four in IIWF Towers. A large video wall continues to display similar footage to that seen in the opening titles as a figure seated in front of the screen at a glass-topped desk is cast in silhouette. As the insistent pounding of the opening music fades, the lights in the studio rise, revealing the figure behind the desk to be none other than "Soundbite" Steve Roberts, who wears a casual jacket over his now very familiar black "Day 40: IIWF Under Siege" t-shirt. Sparkplug Lee's voice proclaiming, "The Soundbite is in the building!" rings out, accompanied by the spontaneous applause of the crew behind the cameras.] SR: Well, hello there, morons, and welcome to a very rare occurrence indeed -- the Soundbite willingly coming into the Towers, on what should damned well be a day off, and edifying your pitiable lives with a fine piece of footage from the archives. According to my windbag broadcast colleague, Tim Dross, the world is still in shock following the return to the IIWF of "Lame Duck" Dan Kauffman, who has finally realised that he'll never make it big anywhere except where he made his name -- the IIWF. [Roberts turns to face another camera. The shot cuts to follow him. Various images of Dan Kauffman's IIWF career are superimposed above his left shoulder.] Sure, Kauffman had a lot of success here -- success which hasn't been so forthcoming elsewhere, which is, so I hear, the reason he's come back, because he's run out of wa-wa from a whole load of duff contracts in rival promotions. He's a former IIWF World Heavyweight Champion -- holding the title for around three months, the second longest reign in its history -- he's led the charge against the Syndicate, he's feuded memorably with ol' dead head, Deathbringer, and he's been Cattle Bustered by Hardin more times than I care to remember. Ah, good times. So Kauffman can, in some observers' eyes, rightly claim to be one of the "elder statesmen" of the IIWF -- and thus expects a hero's welcome upon his return. To that, I simply say: bite me. Sure, I was kind of pleased to see him in the ring last Saturday Night beating the snot out of Culture Club -- but I hate those guys so much, I'd probably cheer on a female midget celebrity if she promised to take out Boy Rectum and his groupies. At the moment, he's riding the wave of hysteria surrounding his big surprise return. Like, wow. So, in the interests of reminding the world what Dan Kauffman is really like, perhaps it would be in his best interest to show one of his more humbling moments -- when he was brought to his knees by the sinister entity known to my friend and yours, IIWF Hall of Famer the "Outlaw" J.W. Hardin, as "ol' spook boy." That's right, we're going to take a step back in time to last November, when Kauffman had just become the IIWF World Heavyweight Champion with his fluke victory over Otto "the Butcher" Verhoeven, the man who, ironically enough, is going to take back the title from Boy Rectum at Midsummer Madness, baby dolls! For all his bravado, for all his big mouth, and for every occasional fluke good move he might pull off, it's worth remembering this: that Dan Kauffman is a loser, plain and simple. Always has been, always will be. Welcome back, Dan. [Cut to footage captioned, "IIWF Saturday Night: 23 November 1996." Sparkplug Lee steps into the ring, and as he does so, the lights in the arena drop, blue lighting dimly illuminating the ringside area. Sparkplug looks around nervously and raises his microphone:] RA: Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for tonight's main event. [Pop!] The following contest is scheduled for one fall, and it is a special one-shot deal non-title encounter. Introducing first, from parts unknown, and weighing in at 335lbs, here is the man known only as... Cadaver! [A chill seems to run through the crowd, who erupt with a huge heel pop as the frame of Cadaver appears silhouetted at the top of the aisle. Without so much as glancing at the fans, the huge man makes his way down to the ring. He stands at around 6'8", and is very bulky; his lack of muscle definition belies his impressive upper body strength, and he is agile for a man of his size. His face is obscured both by a featureless black mask, and his stringy, manky black hair, which hangs down in front of his visage. He stalks down the aisle, and the fans in the front rows seem held in awe by his presence.] TD: [after a long pause] This man is terrifying, Steve. SR: He sure is, Dross. I've never known any wrestler to have an affect like this on a crowd. Cadaver is just ice cold. TD: This man isn't all bluff and no stuff, though, and Kauffman had better be prepared for a real fight. Cadaver is a former world champion, and he can come at you with high-impact offense, with brawling tactics, and even from the top rope. SR: The only area where Kauffman is going to have an advantage over Cadaver is in speed. TD: He also has the support of every person in this building, and millions all over the world, Steve. SR: Yeah? Well, he doesn't have my support, Dross. [Cadaver climbs into the ring, and simply stands on the far side of the ring, facing the head of the aisle. Sparkplug Lee regards the huge man nervously before speaking again:] RA: And introducing his opponent... [the crowd begins to roar, and a "Kauff-man! Kauff-man!" chant immediately erupts] TD: Wow! Listen to these people! SR: Do I have to?! RA: ...hailing from Hagerstown, Maryland, and weighing in at 230lbs, here is the IIWF World Heavyweight Champion... Daaaaaan "Flaaash" Kaaaaauuuufffmaaaaaaan! [The crowd pops huge, but quickly hushes as the lights in the arena turn an even deeper hue of blue, and dry ice begins to emanate from the head of the aisle. Slow, soft rhythmic Asian music plays. Dan Kauffman emerges from behind the curtain, bedecked from head to toe in a black outfit, save for the glinting gold IIWF World Heavyweight Championship belt, and kneels at the head of the aisle, his head down. He performs some elaborate hand gestures.] TD: There are those hand katas. Kauffman is trying to harness some kind of objective form and concentration with those gestures, Steve. SR: Last time I saw Kauffman wave his hands like that was against Deathbringer back at Ring Wars I. And we all know how much good it did him. TD: That's not fair, Steve. Kauffman was only very narrowly defeated at Ring Wars, and that was after having been attacked earlier in the event by Tiger Claw. [Kauffman stands, and focuses his eyes on Cadaver, who still stands motionless in the ring. The champion walks down the aisle, keeping his eyes locked on the ring the entire time. The crowd remains hushed, and he pays them no attention as he walks to ringside and climbs the ring steps. He steps between the ropes, and the lights rise as he hands his championship belt to the referee. He stands toe to toe with Cadaver, who towers a good six or seven inches above him. The atmosphere is electric.] TD: It feels like every member of this crowd is holding his or her breath, Steve. [The officials signals for the bell, which jangles out like an explosion of noise into the hushed arena. It is all the encouragement Kauffman needs, and he immediately launches a right hand at Cadaver, who seems slow to react, and Kauffman gains the upper hand right from the get-go. He staggers Cadaver with a series of punches, and then bounces against the ropes, hitting with a shoulderblock. Cadaver stays on his feet, so Kauffman attempts a second shoulderblock. Again, Cadaver stays on his feet. Kauffman goes for a clothesline, but is swatted to the mat by Cadaver, who immediately drops on Kauffman and begins choking him out, grasping his neck with both hands. The referee gets in Cadaver's face and lays the count on him, but Cadaver is unrelenting, breaking only on the count of four. He stands, and Kauffman rolls over to the ropes, gasping for breath. As he tries to stand, Cadaver stamps down on the back of his neck, choking Kauffman on the bottom rope. Again the referee gets in Cadaver's face, and this time, the sinister one turns to the official and looms above him, threatening. Meanwhile, Kauffman clutches at his throat, and rolls to the outside, where he slumps to the floor, trying to breathe.] SR: A great gameplan from Cadaver here, Dross. If Kauffman can't breathe, how can he fight? TD: This is disgusting, Steve. Cadaver's breaking every rule in the book -- and now he's going to the outside. [Cadaver climbs from the ring and drags Kauffman to his feet. Hoisting him easily above his head, he proceeds to drop him throat-first onto the steel crowd barriers. Huge heel pop. The referee lays the count on both men as Cadaver drags Kauffman to his feet once more and whips him into the steel ringsteps.] TD: This is awful. Kauffman can't breathe! The referee has to stop this match right away! Hold on -- it's the Subway Psycho! The Subway Psycho is coming to ringside! There's no love lost between Cadaver and the Psycho, Steve. SR: There sure isn't. Cadaver defeated the Psycho for a world title a long time ago, and the whining sewer rat still complains that he was never given a chance for a rematch. [The Psycho sprints down to ringside to a huge pop and immediately starts slugging it out with Cadaver. The sinister one is rocked by the Psycho's assault, and the referee leaves the ring to try and break up the squabble. The official finds himself shoved out of the way, however, and the Psycho and Cadaver continue to go at it. Kauffman, meanwhile, begins to catch his breath, and pulls himself to his feet using the ring apron. The crowd erupts once more as another figure lumbers down to ringside.] TD: It's Otto Verhoeven! Give me a break! This wasn't supposed to be a lumberjack match! [Verhoeven immediately blindsides the Psycho, and holds him for Cadaver to hit him in the gut with a hard right hand. The Psycho is doubled over, and Cadaver sets him up for the Death Drop, but the Psycho has the presence of mind to drive himself backwards, catching Verhoeven with an elbow and escaping Cadaver's grip. The man in black turns his attentions back to Kauffman, who has climbed back into the ring, and steps back to the apron. He is met by a shoulder to the stomach from the champion, who then proceeds to suplex Cadaver back into the ring over the top rope! Huge pop! Kauffman waits for the sinister one to get back to his feet, and then launches himself with a flying forearm which knocks Cadaver to the mat once more. Kauffman makes the cover - 1 - kickout!] TD: It's going to take a great deal more than that to take Cadaver out, Steve. SR: You're telling me, Dross. I can't recall ever having seen this guy pinned. [Both men get back to their feet, and Kauffman charges Cadaver as he pulls himself upright using the ropes, clotheslining the big man out of the ring! Huge pop as Kauffman is also carried over the ropes to the outside by his own momentum! Kauffman lands hard on Cadaver, but pulls himself to his feet as the big man lies stunned on the arena floor. Kauffman climbs to the ring apron, and runs along it, launching himself with a splash on Cadaver, which he connects. Big pop! While Verhoeven and the Psycho continue to brawl on the other side of the ring, Kauffman picks up a section of the steel ring steps, and throws it down on Cadaver with tremendous force. Huge pop!] TD: Wow! What a shot... hang on, Cadaver's just pushing the steps off himself and getting to his feet! SR: He's one tough nut to crack, Dross. I don't know what it is about these dead guys, but they can sure take it as well as they dish it out. [Kauffman seems only mildly surprised that Cadaver has shaken off his attack, and immediately goes to work again, ramming Cadaver's head into as many ringside surfaces as he can -- the apron, the steel crowd barriers, the ringpost, and then sends him careering over the ring steps. Big pop! However, Cadaver once more gets to his feet. Kauffman reenters the ring to stop the count, and bounces off the ropes, throwing himself between the top and second ropes with a cross-body block on Cadaver, knocking the big man down. Both men end up some way up the aisle. Kauffman is quickly to his feet, and returns to the ring. On the outside, the Psycho and Verhoeven continue to brawl. Kauffman launches himself over the top rope, landing a kick on Verhoeven, knocking the Butcher to the floor. However, he turns his attentions away from his opponent for a few moments too long, and Cadaver pounces from behind, clubbing Kauffman on the back of the head, and hauling him back into the ring.] TD: Both men have taken a huge amount of punishment in this match, Steve. I can't see it going on much longer. [Cadaver whips Kauffman into the ropes, and attempts a clothesline, but misses, and Kauffman counters with a flying cross-body block which knocks Cadaver off his feet. Kauffman goes for the cover - 1 - 2 - kickout! He drags Cadaver to his feet again and whips him into the ropes, executing his "Powerplant" spinebuster on the return! Huge pop!] TD: Wow! It's over! Kauffman hit the "Powerplant" -- he makes the cover... One! Two! Th... No! Cadaver kicked out! Unbelievable! I've never seen anybody kick out of that spinebuster! [As Cadaver pulls himself to his feet, Kauffman looks momentarily taken aback as the crowd expresss its disbelief, but then looks determined once more and climbs quickly to the top turnbuckle. As Cadaver lumbers towards him, he executes his "Lights Out" flipping clothesline from the top rope. Cameras flash all over the arena! Huge pop! Kauffman makes the cover once more - 1 - 2 -- still Cadaver kicks out! Huge disappointed pop. Kauffman gets to his feet, suddenly looking exhausted and deflated.] TD: Don't give up now, Dan! You so nearly had him! SR: No way, Dross. Kauffman _can't_ pin Cadaver. There's no way he can do it. [The crowd begins chanting "Kauff-man! Kauff-man!" in encouragement once more as Cadaver pulls himself to his feet. Kauffman seems to draw energy from the crowd, and lays into Cadaver with a series of hard right hands. He whips the sinister one into the ropes again, and attempts a clothesline. Cadaver ducks underneath, and stops dead, spinning Kauffman around and flooring him with a short-arm clothesline of his own. Big heel pop! Cadaver stomps away on Kauffman, and drags him to his feet, hitting him with a hard shot to the lower abdomen. Kauffman is winded, and doubles over.] TD: Come on, ref! That was a low blow! SR: Cadaver hit him in the stomach. Perfectly legal. TD: Are you watching the same match, Steve? [Cadaver places his leg over Kauffman's bowed head, and executes the Death Drop on his opponent. Huge heel pop!] TD: That's it! It's over now! Nobody's ever gotten up from the Death Drop... hang on, Cadaver isn't covering him. What's he doing? [Cadaver slowly climbs to the top turnbuckle, his back to the ring, while Kauffman lies motionless on the mat behind him. Cameras flash as Cadaver stands on the top buckle, and then throws himself backwards with a reverse moonsault, crashing down on Kauffman! Huge heel pop!] TD: That's more than three hundred pounds crashing down with incredible impact. There's no way Kauffman's getting up after that, Steve. SR: Foregone conclusion, Dross. TD: Listen to this crowd. It's deafening in here! Folks, the Psycho and Verhoeven are still brawling somewhere up in the stands... but here comes Cadaver with the cover! [Cadaver covers Kauffman - 1 - Cadaver pulls Kauffman's shoulders up from the mat! Huge heel pop! The referee gets in Cadaver's face, and the big man threatens the official. There is another huge heel pop as the massive frame of Deathbringer appears in the aisle.] TD: Oh no! Not Deathbringer! Please, no! SR: Oh yes! It looks like the fun is just beginning for Kauffman, Dross! [Deathbringer ignores the negative reaction of the crowd and makes his way down to the ring. Without so much as a pause, he steps between the ropes and drags Kauffman to his feet. The referee signals for the bell as Deathbringer hoists Kauffman onto his shoulder and executes a Tombstone piledriver. Huge heel pop! Kauffman lies motionless in the ring, and Cadaver drags him to his feet once more. Picking him up as if he weighed nothing, Cadaver goes to the second turnbuckle, and hoists Kauffman into position for a piledriver. Deathbringer joins Cadaver in the corner, and the two men execute a spike piledriver on Kauffman! Huge heel pop!] TD: No way! The spike piledriver was outlawed years ago! That move has ended the careers of dozens of wrestlers! SR: And you can add Kauffman to that list! Look at him in there -- he's motionless! [The official attempts to keep the two men in black away from Kauffman, but with little success. The crowd's jeers suddenly turn to cheers as a flood of wrestlers dash down to the ring -- the Sandman, the Enigma, the White Phoenix, Onslaught and a large number of the Jobber Justice Squad storm the ring, with a team of security personnel not far behind.] TD: Here come the cavalry, Steve. Kauffman has taken a victory by disqualification here, but he may well have been seriously injured by the attack of Deathbringer and Cadaver. Will these demons ever be laid to rest? SR: As long as man lives, Dross, there will be a fear of death. And as long as man fears death, men like Cadaver and Deathbringer will have a hold over us. TD: That was very poetic, Steve. SR: Yeah, I think I read it on the back of the official IIWF Deathbringer Breakfast Cereal packet. TD: Of course. These wrestlers have managed to clear the ring of Deathbringer and Cadaver, folks -- and these two men don't look happy about it. [Cadaver and Deathbringer stand side by side at the foot of the aisle, looking up into the ring, where a horde of wrestlers stand, warding them off. The men in black turn and walk up the aisle, ignoring the jeers of the fans as they go.] SR: This war will be settled another day, Dross. I guarantee it. TD: Not by Cadaver it won't be. I sincerely hope that this is the last we see of that monster. [In the ring, the wrestlers tend to Kauffman, and help him to his feet. Huge pop as Kauffman appears to be responding to questions from the official.] TD: Incredibly, Dan Kauffman appears not to be seriously hurt. Wow, what a battle. RA: Ladies and gentlemen, here is your winner, as the result of a disqualification: Daaaaaann Kaaaaaaauuuuuuffmaaaan! [Another massive pop for the World Champion as he continues to be tended to by officials and comrades. Cut to the broadcast table.] TD: What a match that was. But will Kauffman feel that he has proved his mettle against death once and for all? That remains to be seen. Folks, we're right out of time here, but I'll be back with you this Tuesday for an in-depth look at all the developing situations we've seen tonight. Until then, this is Tim Dross, for "Soundbite" Steve Roberts, saying: so long, everybody! [Cut to an aerial overhead shot of the ring, filled with all the various officials and wrestlers. Freeze and fade.] +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= I * I * W * F =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-+ | President: Daniel Spreadbury | Vice-President: Jim Jividen | | univ0322@sable.ox.ac.uk | brokeback@webtv.net | | iiwf@sisko.demon.co.uk | | +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- http://www.sisko.demon.co.uk -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=+