. ___. __ ____ __ ________ ______ ||\ |/ | || | | || | || |\ \ /\ / /| __| || \|\__ | __||__ | |_||__ | || | \ v v / | __| || | \|/ || | | || |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| ||______/|\__||__ | | ||_________________________ with Tim Dross & "Soundbite" Steve Roberts Tuesday 14 October 1997 ................................................... ["Back on the Chain Gang" by the Pretenders plays as the shot opens on the massive courtyard at the Leavenworth Maximum Security Penitentiary in Leavenworth, Kansas -- quite literally the "Heartland" of America. The camera pans the barren grounds, upon which are a small sampling of free weights, a beaten up basketball court and a tetherball pole on which is scrawled the words, "Sport of the 80's!" Surrounding the courtyard are multiple fences covered in razor wire and guard towers in which sharpshooters stand at the ready. The shot then cuts to the seeming nerve center of the complex, the red brick bunker sitting low against the Midwestern prairie; inside is a maze of corridors, sectioned off by steel doors operated by a series of electronic grids that meld 21st Centruy technology with what seems in many ways like 16th Centrury justice. Multiple shots of the facility are then seen... cells... a dining hall... a shower area... a sensory deprivation center... and then in front of a large door on which the words:                   "Warden Soundbite" are seen.  Into the room goes the shot, a luxurious, swanky office with plush carpeting, leather chairs, and behind a massive oaken desk are two familiar figures, Tim Dross and Steve "Soundbite" Roberts. Dross is wearing his customary blue IIWF blazer and an official "Road to Ring Wars 4" necktie, while Roberts is wearing his customary leather jacket over a t-shirt with the words: "The IIWF. Period." The music fades and as Roberts lights up an enormous cigar, then places his boots on the desk and leans back in his chair -- the shot zooms in on Dross.] TD: Hello again fans, and welcome to another edition of "Inside the IIWF", your weekly look at all the news, views, reviews and previews -- highlights and sidelights -- cheers and jeers.  A look behind at the week that was and up ahead at the week that will be here in the finest wrestling federation in the world today... the _mighty_ IIWF! I am your host, Tim Dross, alongside, as always, my tag team colleague, the Award Winning Steve "Soundbite" Roberts. SR: As Big Daddy Kane would say, "if you ain't representin' yo'self... ain't no one gonna represent for ya.  Gonna kick LL's Cool ass!" TD: Big Daddy Kane... he's in a promotion back East, right? SR: Not bad, Dross.  This time in the big house be makin' you street savvy. TD: I don't know about that, but I do know that he Road to Ring Wars 4 has taken the IIWF to the unlikely location of the Leavenworth Federal Penitentiary -- one of the oldest maximum security facilities in the United States.  Leavenworth is the housing facility to 1500 truly dangerous men; serial killers, organized crime figures, domestic terrorists and the killers of Federal agents... SR: But they ain't seen nothing like Saturday Night when the bad boys of the IIWF roll into town, Dross.  There's enough unindicted felons in our locker room to fill two of these places.  Heck, Nightwing alone has broken the "lewd and lascivious behavior" laws in every state in which he's ever wrestled.  Or have you never read the Georgia case of Bowers vs. Hardwick, Dross?  Get with the program!  The seminal lead opinion by the Chief Justice curbed what many felt was an everwidening view of the penumbral rights interpolated into the Constitution!  TD: Have you been going to night school again, Steve Roberts? SR: Nah, this place just has a kick-ass law library -- would you like me to explain adverse possession?  How about the RICOH statutes? Come on, Dross -- you know you want to hear about the use of the RICOH statutes to enact time, manner and place restrictions on anti-aborton demonstrators, you freaky sonofabitch! TD: How about instead we take one final look at all the action that went down... SR: Not in Georgia, Dross -- don't even think about using that kind of gutter talk in Georgia. TD: ...live from the Charlotte Coliseum this past Saturday Night! ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v v / | __| REWIND: IIWF Saturday Night: 11 October |_||_| \_/\_/ |_|.................................................... Brody Thunder d. Otto Verhoeven J.W. Hardin d. The Phoenix Billy Shakespeare d. Tony Starks Prophets of Rage d. LFD Tragedy/Icehawk d. Machines Duncan Macbeth d. Luke Steele Dexter St. Croix d. Dakota Bundy TD: Night... The Phoenix, in fact, played quite a role in the goings on Saturday from Charlotte, North Carolina, as he felt the wrath of the man making his return to the IIWF, "The Outlaw" J.W. Hardin. SR: You get a good look at that, "New" IIWF?  That was a good old fashioned Old School beat down we got treated to on Saturday Night. Tough to suck without a jaw, Dross -- and the Phoenix left his back on the canvas of the Charlotte Coliseum. TD: It was a vicious, nasty performance, Steve Roberts -- one that reminded IIWF fans that J.W. Hardin is not some sort of fatherly icon, he is a nasty, brutal man.  A man who right now is legitimately angry -- angry at the IIWF and angry at the man who betrayed him -- the World Champion Brody Thunder. SR: Thunder's livin' on borrowed time, Dross.  It's may not have caught up with him last Saturday -- but it will -- J.W. Hardin isn't a man to turn tail.  He will fight with every breath in his body to get revenge on that drugstore cowboy. TD: Well, that remains to be seen, Steve Roberts.  J.W. Hardin has not wrestled full time in the IIWF in a year now -- and his appearance on Saturday Night was without a contract.  The word is that the Outlaw wants to see some changes made, maybe even some behind the scenes changes, before making a final decision on returning to the IIWF.  The word around the water cooler is that some very prominant IIWF "suits" have even offered up resignations as part of the ongoing negotiations.  SR: Oh yeah, there's a tough choice, Dross. The greatest wrestler in the history of the IIWF... or some moron hidin' in his office all day?  Let's see... hmmm... such a hard decision to make... You know what, Dross -- without J.W. there ain't an IIWF -- they might as well shut the doors and send the fans home.  Damn, dirty sonsofbitches.   I have waited a whole year for the big Cowboy to come on back to the Double Eye... remember when I used to X off the dates on my calendar, Dross? Remember when I gave Chrissie the whatfor?  Remember when I wrote that haiku? "Ole' J Dub Hardin Master of the triple cross Kicked Kauffman's punk ass." I ain't askin' for much, Dross -- but if J.W. Hardin isn't immediately reinstated and named the number one contender for a Ring Wars IV showdown against Brody Thunder in what might be the greatest Main Event in the history of professional wrestling... then I am gonna walk, Dross. I am gonna walk right out of the IIWF and I am gonna take Sparkplug and all the turnbuckles with me! TD: You know you won't get paid if you leave the promotion, Steve Roberts. SR: Oh.  Well, I'll still hide the turnbuckles.  That insurance money just doesn't go very far to support my lifestyle, Dross.  Much like Michelle Trioli in the famed "Palimony" suit that changed California divorce law some 20 years ago... I Gots Needs... Dross!  Neeeeddddssss! TD: I don't know if that Thunder/Hardin matchup will ever take place -- but the former has certainly staked his place in that big pay-per-view, coming your way on November 8, live from Los Angeles, California.  Brody Thunder looked very strong in a noteable victory over the "Butcher" Otto Verhoeven.  You have got to be impressed with the way that this man has stepped into what many feel is his long overdue role as standard-bearer of the IIWF. SR: I was impressed by the psychobelly freak out by the Age of the Rage on Saturday Night, Dross.  The Rages all turning on each other -- Dirt Dog Unique Allah jumping on in and getting the hell kicked out of him... I'll tell you who shocked me, Dross -- that Shadoe -- I always thought he was the gay guy... but that guy is flat outta his gourd, Dross! He's a dangerous man! You know, we're always saying -- he's the next this and he's the next that -- you want a prediction, Dross -- I think we may have found something in Shadoe Rage.  Oh, sure... he's just as likely to carve his initials into Larry Morton as he is to pin a guy -- but there's a name to watch, Shadoe Rage. TD: Another name to watch is Tony Starks, following his very narrow defeat at the hands of a man who just continues to impress, Billy Shakespeare, Starks went ballistic, choking out the "Spotlight" and then attacking, yet again, Ike Sampson.  SR: It's hanging out with the other black guys, Dross.  Makes a man mean.  I was talking with the Black Muslims in Sector G -- and they are ready to go nasty hard when the brothers come to town on Saturday -- they say they'll be keepin' it on a crazy real tip.  Like Jermaine Jackson said, "Why don't you do what you do when you did what you did to me?" TD: We also saw two other very strong matches amidst what was a card perhaps noteworthy for the "cleanliness" of the finishes, signifying... maybe something in the IIWF. We saw Dexter St. Croix advance on to the tag tournament semi-finals with a win over Dakota Bundy, another young man who displayed his brutal side with a post-match attack -- and Duncan Macbeth... SR: Duncan Macbeth just continued to climb the mountain, Dross.  Scale the peak.  Tote that barge, lift that bale, get a little drunk and you'll land in Leavenworth, Dross.  Macbeth puts the smack down on the Deal and tells old Chrissie one _more_ time who that IC belt is gonna belong to on November 8. TD: Luke Steele indeed fought diligently -- but was just not enough on this night against the increasingly impressive Scotsman. SR: Well, maybe not all that impressive, Dross.  You ever look under that kilt?  I don't want to tell any tales out of school -- but if we hear "It's a Small World After All" playing over the bagpipes, you shouldn't be at all surprised. TD: I don't think slander is necessary here, Steve Roberts. SR: Slander?  I hardly knew her.  Actually, slander requires malice aforethought, Dross -- Macbeth's a superstar now... he's a genuine public figure -- just like Judd Nelson and Conquistodor Number Two.  You always have to check the elevated burdens of proof, Dross.  TD: Finally, there was the other major... major development on Saturday Night -- the joining of two of the pre-eminant tag teams in the IIWF -- when Icehawk from Cold Spell teamed up with Harlequin Tragedy to defeat the Machines.  Call them the Cold Quins... call them whatever you want -- but this is a dangerous team. SR: This really creeps me out, Dross.  We have two tag teams, right? Two teams that don't like each other... feud for months and months... neither team able to get the upper hand... and suddenly -- everybody is all lovey dovey, "Can I make you a jam sandwich, Mr. Icehawk?"  "Oh thank you, Mr. Tragedy, shall I shave your back while we watch Ellen?" It's just weird, Dross.  It's weird and I don't know what to make of it. And I'm afraid of the things I don't understand.  I wanna make that clear, Dross -- put in on a neon orange poster board and wave it in front of the cameras: I FEAR CHANGE You get that?  I ain't too proud to tell people that.  Much like Felix Frankfurter's dissent in Brown vs. Board of Education... sometimes the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know -- and man... if Melody turns out to be short for Mephestophales... just don't say I didn't warn you, Dross. TD: That was then... and this is now.  IIWF Saturday Night comes live in well, what should be a truly unique series of matches -- this week from the Leavenworth Federal Penitentiary... as the IIWF does... HARD TIME! Here's your First Look at all the action! ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v v / | __| FIRST LOOK: |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| IIWF Saturday Night: HARD TIME! 18 October ....................................................................... 1. OPEN CONTRACT IIWF WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: "Lone Wolf" Brody Thunder [c] vs. challenger 2. TAG TEAM TRIPLE THREAT MATCH: Prophets of Rage vs. Damage Inc. vs. Cold Quins 3. SHOWER ROOM SHOWDOWN: Chris Quigley & Ronnie Paris vs. Billy Shakespeare & Duncan Macbeth [Large shower area, slick, watered down linoleum floors.  Pinfall or submission.] 4. MESS HALL BRAWL: Highwayman, Scott Rogers & Serge Annis vs. Derek Mota, Kevin Christiansen & "Showstopper" Simon Lebec [During dinner.  1500 Federal prisoners seated at large wooden tables. Food.  Chairs.  1500 Federal prisoners.  Pinfall or submission.] 5. CHAIN GANG WARFARE: The Machines vs. The Down Boys vs. LFD vs. Natural Predators [Four teams, each of the men bound at each ankle.  All eight men bound together in a large circle.  The chain may be used.  Tag elimination match.  Pinfall or submission.] 6. BEHIND BARS: Tony Starks vs. Ike Sampson [Prison cell.  Bunk beds.  Three walls.  Toilet.  Bars.  Two men.  Pinfall or submission.] 7. SOLITARY CONFINEMENT MATCH: Requiem vs. Otto "the Butcher" Verhoeven [Two men thrown "in the hole", a small, dark, dank, torturous sensory deprivation cell.  Escape.] 8. OVER THE WALL LOSER SPENDS THE NIGHT: Timothy N. Turner vs. Richard "Moxy" Blue vs. "One Man Army" Dakota Bundy [Dross and Roberts are now walking the grounds, moving into the expansive courtyard where makeshift bleachers are now being set up around a regulation IIWF ring.] TD: It'll all start right here, Steve Roberts.  Surrounded by 1500 Federal prisoners, all in their orange jumpsuits, prisoners seated in... well... in their own personal stables... from the Aryan Brotherhood to the Mexican Mafia, not to mention the guards... armed not only at the towers -- but around the ring, ready to shoot upon command -- and in the midst of this will be the superstars of the IIWF. SR: Aw yeah... high powered rifles, serial killers and garbage matches. Dross -- Mrs. Roberts' baby boy is finally home. TD: And it will all begin with the first of several, shall we say, unique matches on tap.  Three superstars, Dakota Bundy, Tim Turner and Richard "Moxy" Blue... SR: Who? TD: "Moxy" Blue, Steve Roberts -- that is the man who we have known as Ricardo Lebleu, the man who defeated Tonnage last Wednesday and then viciously turned on the Jobber Justice Squad. SR: Good thing Smooth wasn't out there... hate to see that big lug get hurt. TD: Steve Roberts, The Smooth has been under your tutelege for months now -- why is it that we have yet to see his debut match here in the IIWF? SR: Smooth's got what we in the buisness call an involuntary ductal reflex. TD: Meaning...? SR: He cries, Dross.  Damndest thing I ever saw, big 500 pound Mexican in a Lionel Richie t-shirt bawling like a baby.  And not just when he gets hit either.  John Denver dies -- Smooth cries.  The Nostalgia channel plays an episode of the 1971 Leslie Uggums Variety Show -- Smooth cries.  I tell my joke, "Where do you find a penguin with no legs?  Wherever you left it." And Smooth cries.  You just can't be a wrestler who cries all the time.  Oh sure, someone who whines, moans, bitches and complains like a 14 year old beauty queen... we make him Intercontinental Champion -- but cries?  Nah, no good.  TD: "Moxy" Blue will join Dakota Bundy and Tim Turner inside this ring... but they won't stay in this ring.  Because, folks, about fifty feet from here is a wall... not an enormous wall -- a wall of about twenty feet in height.  A wall at the top of which..is barbed wire. This is an "Over the Wall" match... meaning that each of these three men will have to climb to the top -- and then over to the other side of the wall -- in order to "win" the match. That's right, folks... no pinfall... no submission... no countout... no DQ. It's an "Over the Wall" match. Two men will make it over that wall... using a fifteen foot high steel stepladder which will be placed up against the wall prior to the match. Two men will eventually be able to climb up... and over that wall -- those two men, those two men will be the winners -- and they will go on to meet in a special challenge match next week. SR: Let me say the next part, Dross -- it's the part I like. TD: Go ahead, Steve. SR: The loser... The loser... Well, let's just say the IIWF Express is gonna get one man lighter on the way to Colorado Springs. Hah!  Whichever of these three guys who winds up staying on this side of the wall will immediately be handcuffed and will spend the night in prison.  In this prison.  With these prisoners.  And some of these men ain't seen a man as pretty as Timmy Turner in a long time -- if you get my meaning, Dross. TD: The newly dead get your meaning, Steve Roberts.  It is true -- one man will be spending the night at Leavenworth -- and it's all gonna happen when the IIWF does Hard Time! [Cut to a shot of the outside of what appears to be a walk-in closet... the steel door springs open and a soundless, 7' x 12' room -- completely empty -- is seen.] SR: Spooky. TD: It's called solitary confinement... the "hole."  A sensory deprivation hell in which the worst of the worst are placed.  It is dark... so dark that we are installing not only our own IIWF lights... but special infrared cameras to catch the action. SR: You know... the hole is where they put what are called "predatory prisoners"... guys who attack guards... who kill other inmates just because they do a Fargo strut -- sorry, Turner -- this is a place where guys go who are being punished... it's torture, really.  It's out and out, barbaric torture.  I really love this place. TD: And the two men who will be put in this kind of torture are two former World Champions who are getting very familiar with each other -- Requiem and Otto Verhoeven. SR: I'm gonna need just a second here, Dross.  You know, Champ -- and I say that not because you are one but because that's a real popular name for dogs where I come from -- you know, Champ -- I caught your smug little comments on Monday, you know... about how much fun you were having in a "rival organization". Let me tell you something, you ungrateful, stupid son of an unnamed Quigley -- there ain't no rival organizations to the Double Eye Double You F'n F... you understand that, _Champ_?  There are pretenders, wanna-bes, tiny little shoebox operations strung together with some spare twine from my momma's basement and maybe the odd hunk of alphabet soup that can manage to bumble its way through a mediocre card once every six weeks... but there ain't any, _any_ rival organizations to the IIWF... which was the best professional wrestling company before you came along and will be long after your ass has been jobbed out so many times you'll need a full proctological examination just to get out of bed in the morning. You get that, _Champ_?  You like playing in the kiddie pool so damn much? Don't let the door hit you on the way out. TD: Interestingly enough, it is the door which will play a major role in this match.  It is an escape match... the only way to win is to get to the door -- reach your hand through a very small opening to the outside... turn the steel handle a full revolution -- which will open the door... and then the winner must get completely to the outside of the "hole", shutting his opponent in. Not only will the opponent need to be almost completely incapacitated, due to the close confines, before one of the men will be able to go to the door -- but to be able to slam it on the opponent, sealing him inside... well, that will be quite a feat -- particularly as each man stands in at over 300 pounds and nearly seven feet tall... Otto Verhoeven and Requiem are going to be all alone, inside that darkened, soundless cell -- no outside interference in this one folks... surrounded by concrete on all sides... and they will batter each other until one man is able to walk through the door victorious! It will be a brutal encounter... and it will come your way this Saturday Night! [Cut to a shot of a more traditional jail cell. It is larger, with bunk beds, a sink and toilet, and is enclosed by steel bars.] TD: Behind Bars.  A place no better, perhaps, for two rivals like Tony Starks and Ike Sampson to meet that behind bars. SR: You mean cuz they brothers, don't you, Dross?  Why you gotta play my people like that?  In the words of Nik Kershaw, "Wouldn't it be good to be in your shoes?  The grass is always greener over there." TD: The official will stand outside the bars, and count pinfalls from there -- for this match is pinfall/submission -- and a truly great one it should be.  Ike Sampson slowly seems to be coming into his own -- while Tony Starks is an absolute madman... he has really turned into one of the most cold blooded superstars we have in the IIWF.  SR: This is an easy one to call, Dross -- whenever you got a match like this, ask yourself: if Starks and Sampson were a tag team... who would be the gay guy?  I'm sayin' it's Ike... and he'll be the one to get punked. Sorry, Turner.  Damn.  You just know it'll be the pretty boy who gets beat, don't you Dross?  Sure won't be Bundy.  Damn that boy is ugly. Dakota Bundy could walk through a whorehouse smothered in honey and covered in fifties and still not draw a lick all night. TD: From the Behind Bars match... we go back... [Cut back to the courtyard... this time to an area beside the ring.] TD: ...outside... where four of the newer IIWF tag teams -- LFD, the Machines, the Down Boys and the Natural Predators -- will hook up, quite literally, in a Chain Gang Matchup. SR: Sorta like square dancing... except without the girls, the music and a fat guy in a bolo tie saying "allemande left your corners all". TD: This match will not take place inside the ring, but rather inside a giant circle of... well, of convicted felons.  The eight IIWF superstars will be in a circle of their own... each man bound to two others at the ankle. All eight men locked together in this circle -- now, no one will be connected to his partner -- meaning that each man, each of the eight superstars will be fighting men on each side of himself. This is a no DQ tag elimination match... meaning that once one half of the team has been pinned... forced to submit... or... or... SR: This sounds more and more like recess, Dross. TD: ...or _knocked_ out into the circle of felons... then that team is eliminated.  The guards will remove them from their ankle chains -- and they will leave the circle.  The match continues until one team remains -- until one team is the winner -- and that team will go on to meet the IIWF tag champions the following week! SR: So... we have these eight guys in a circle? TD: Yes. SR: Chained at the ankles? TD: Yes. SR: Each man connected to two other guys... and neither one of them is his partner? TD: You've got it. SR: And... you can use the chain as a weapon... and you can be eliminated not just by pinfall or submission... but by being knocked into the circle of Federal Prisoners in orange jumpsuits who surround the ring?  TD: Absolutely.  It's a chain gang match and it will come your way this Saturday Night when the IIWF does Hard Time! SR: Have you been reading my dream book again, Dross?  You know... we oughta go to jail more often.  Well, at least you.  Thin mints!  Who do you think you're fooling? [Cut to a shot of an enormous, two-tiered dining hall... a regulation IIWF ring sits in the middle of rows of long wooden tables... a "buffet style" row of steaming pots of food is apparent in the back of the room.] SR: These cutaways are makin' me woozy, Dross. TD: The miracle of videotape, Steve Roberts. [As Dross and Roberts approach the ring, Dross accidentally runs directly into a large bald man with a tattoo with the words, "Aryan Brotherhood".  Food splatters over the man... and the area is soon surrounded by similarly attired individuals.] TD: Er... sorry? SR: Hey, brother skinheads -- no need to take out your genocidal emotions on my buddy Dross.  There's this black guy with a red glove -- you'll know him when you see him -- hey, let me give you his home number. [The largest of the men cracks his knuckles, getting into Dross' face:] AB: I'm sorry for being so clumsy, Mr. Dross.  We're really looking forward to your splendid show this week.  Could you try to get Marty Warnett's autograph for me? [The others then pull out huge scrapbooks, all containing clippings of IIWF wrestlers -- the tattooed felons speaking excitedly about men like Icehawk, Kevin Christainsen and Billy Shakespeare.] SR: I'll be damned.  Skinheads are marks.  Who woulda thunk it? [Dross signs some quick autographs... accepting, "Thank you, Mr. Dross" from each of the men before they depart.] TD: This is going to be an odd IIWF Saturday Night, Steve Roberts.  SR: You know what's good to do, Dross -- just start jumpin' up and down... waving your arms and yelling the word "Cheesesticks" over and over and over again.  TD: We are in the cafeteria... the Leavenworth Federal penitentiary cafeteria, where on Saturday Night -- 1500 felons will be eating their evening meal... surrounding this regulation wrestling ring.  Wooden tables.  Chairs.  Rows of food... and 1500 Federal Prisoners. Above all of this is a second tier of seats... approximately thirty feet up in the air will sit the guards... weapons at the ready -- and in the ring will be a six man tag, Genesis will take on the unlikely collection of Simon Lebec, Derek Mota and The Cavalier. Now, this is a six man tag, not an elimination match, and only one man per team is legal at the same time.  Pinfalls are only counted in the ring -- however, with such a combustible mix of wrestlers, it is entirely possible that portions of this match... well, they could go anywhere.  And what happens when you mix 1500 federal prisoners with six IIWF superstars... SR: Wait... I know this... X + 6y = 72!  Bury the variable, Dross!  And there are some variables looking to be buried here -- I wouldn't be surprised to see the crazy, little Canadian bastard just start ripping into guys -- bashing their heads in... jabbing flatware into the esophogial tubes... and that's just for the Cavalier -- who knows what he'll do to the Bangles. TD: The Bangles? SR: Yeah, they don't so much have the talent to call them Culture Club any more... and Rogers has those pretty eyes.  They're given me the vapors, Dross -- I do declare. TD: Certainly should be quite a match. It is the Mess Hall Brawl -- and it comes this Saturday Night when the IIWF does Hard Time! [Cut to the massive shower area.  A bare linoleum floor rests under several hundred bare shower heads.  Rusted out piping is visible just below the low ceiling... defiant concrete marks the sides of the shower room.  Roberts stands at the back of the room with an enormous firehose... he then sprays the room down... turning it into a slick, slippery, frighteningly dangerous arena.] SR: Hey Turner, don't bend over for the soap! TD: Will you stop? SR: Just had to get that one out of the way early in the week. TD: Four of the finest wrestlers in the world... two of the hottest feuds going today -- and a slicked down, flat surface surrounded by showerheads and rusty pipes.  It is the Shower Room Showdown.  Chris Quigley and Ronnie Paris will take on Billy Shakespeare and Duncan Macbeth -- four men, and not one of them will be happy to be in a match like this.  There is no ring -- and all four men are legal in this no disqualification matchup.  Pinfalls and submissions are counted and it is one fall to a finish. SR: What's a good Soundbite to do, Dross?  Quigley, Paris, Macbeth and Blitzsphere... TD: Billy Shakespeare. SR: ...I mean, it's a smorgasbord of sucking... it's hard to tell what I'd like to see first -- Macbeth smash Quigley's skull with a shower head... or Paris take one of those pipes and bend it around Shakespeare's neck.  Or... maybe we'll just turn the hose on all these guys and play "Poseidon Adventure."  You ever play "Poseidon Adventure," Dross? TD: I don't believe so. SR: How 'bout "swallow the swan"? TD: I don't think that's a road we need to go down. SR: You're right -- it can be played on the highway. TD: It is a dangerous scenario, Steve Roberts, putting these four men -- men who have such personal animosity toward each other in a confined space. It is sure to be a nasty matchup... and is sure to come your way this Saturday Night! SR: Hey, Dross... you know how the Mess Hall Brawl takes place during dinner... well, will there be guys... you know -- "scrubbing Mr. Johnson" during this match? TD: IIWF Saturday Night is a family broadcast, Steve Roberts.  A man can attack another man with a rusted out pipe until his skull literally seems from his nose -- but we don't have any semblance of male nudity on IIWF television.  We've gotta take a stand someplace. SR: God shed his grace on thee, Dross.  You know what... I think I'll compose a haiku... "My good buddy Dross Lover of waffles and whores On some nights, he weeps." TD: IIWF Saturday Night... don't miss a second!  [Cut back to the exterior shot of the courtyard IIWF ring.  Dross and Roberts now stand on the canvas as the crew continues putting up the ropes.] TD: Finally, as this big IIWF Saturday Night winds to a close -- we will return to the courtyard -- return for two matches that should remain in the ring... first of all we will see a big, big triple threat tag team matchup between the Prophets of Rage, Damage Inc. and the Cold Quins. One fall only.  Whomever earns it -- is the number one contender to the IIWF World Tag Team Championship. SR: Well, the Syndicate's takin' the long walk, Dross.  I hear that they are gonna be right here this Saturday Night to vacate their belts. TD: It is true, the most honored, decorated, rewarded collective in IIWF history, Casey James and Tiger Claw have chosen to leave the IIWF as the ramifications of that incredible triple cross are still felt across the wrestling world.  It may have been... that triple cross perpetrated by Brody Thunder may have been the single most significant event in the history of this sport.  We will hear from Claw and James, live, from this ring on Saturday Night! SR: Triple cross, Dross.  Ain't no victims of a triple cross ever stuck around the IIWF, remember what Santayana said, "He who does not remember history is doomed to repeat it."  And... and... remember what Patrick Swayze said, "She's like the wind... through my trees." TD: We will see these three tag teams... Damage Inc., voted tag team of the year in 1996.  The Prophets of Rage, tag team of the year for 1997 -- although clearly going through a period of dissension right now... and the team which I suppose we are calling the Cold Quins -- Tragedy and Icehawk -- who have put long standing differences aside and will team up, amazingly, for the chance to become world champions! SR: Then there's the main event, Dross -- and I don't know what the hell that punk cowboy is looking to prove now... sure, he pulled some kind of triple cross -- and last week he beat the Butcher... but what is this "open contract" thing? TD: It is truly a fascinating development, Steve Roberts. Brody Thunder has challenged every wrestler in the world... not just in the IIWF -- but in the entire world.  Brody Thunder will put up the IIWF World Championship each and every Saturday Night up until Ring Wars IV on November 8 -- and any wrestler has the ability to fill those open contracts!  It is a remarkable display of confidfence from this young man! SR: So, what you're saying is that for the next three weeks _anyone_ can wrestle for the IIWF World Championship? TD: That's right. SR: Even guys from other promotions? TD: That's right. SR: Even guys who used to be in the IIWF -- but left? TD: That's right, Steve Roberts -- Brody Thunder has an open contract, each and every Saturday Night until Ring Wars IV -- and he wants to meet the best wrestlers in the world.  There are wrestlers who have been international superstars -- but who have never found themselves, for whatever reason, in the IIWF -- and they now have the opportunity to prove themselves against the Champion of the World -- a chance to fight for the coveted IIWF World Championship -- the most honored title in all of sport! SR: Well, step right up.  I can't imagine why there wouldn't be guys lining up around the block to take a poke at that drugstore cowboy. Hell, maybe Thunder will take on two, three guys in one night -- he'll be our first multiple inupt champion. TD: Good grief.  Steve Roberts, is that kind of language necessary on this broadcast? SR: It's the prison life, Dross.  It does things to a man.  Makes him... wrong.  When you've been locked up as long as I have... you sorta get that thousand yard stare.  Just like the guys I saw in 'Nam. TD: First of all, we've been here two hours.  Secondly... you did not fight in Vietnam, Steve Roberts. SR: Yeah, but I once had two Philippino sisters in the back of my old Honda Civic.  Damn, I love this game. TD: Two titles on the line in what may be the wildest IIWF Saturday Night of the year... the IIWF comes to Leavenworth -- and does _Hard Time_! ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v v / | __| COMING FRIDAY: Countdown to Saturday Night |_||_| \_/\_/ |_|.................................................... TD: That's all the time we have today... remember, folks: no Wednesday War Room this week, so the next IIWF program will come to you on Friday... in one form or another... the ever reliable Larry Morton will "Countdown to Saturday Night" -- taking you to the finest two hours of weekly live wrestling anywhere in the world -- IIWF Saturday Night! SR: At-ti-ca!  At-ti-ca!  At-ti-ca! TD: So... for Steve Roberts, I am Tim Dross -- and we will see you next week on "Inside the IIWF"! [Roberts does a mock dive onto the mat, emitting a loud fake snore as Dross shakes his head slowly.  "Leavin' on A Jet Plane" by Peter, Paul and Mary plays as Dross tosses his papers to someone off camera... then begins dragging Roberts from the ring as the shot and the music fade.]  +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= I * I * W * F =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-+ | President: Daniel Spreadbury | Vice-President: Jim Jividen | | univ0322@sable.ox.ac.uk | brokeback@webtv.net | | iiwf@sisko.demon.co.uk | | +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- http://www.sisko.demon.co.uk -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=+