[Steroetypically dressed scientists in white lab coats shuffle about a desert sceen.  Equally stereotypically dressed military men accompany. Suddenly there is a roar and the sky cracks open as a large alien mothership comes to a soft landing.  A military sort steps forth to meet its occupants.  A willowy alien steps from a rush of steam and little blinking lights:] ALIEN: Take me to your leader. MILITARY TYPE: Leader?  You must mean ... [The logo explodes onto the screen in a swirl of green mist:] ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __| | || | \ v v / | __| |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| __ __ __ _______ ___ | //_ / | /| //_ /__ / | /__|\__/ | / // / // |// \ / // / / |/|//__ /__// //_______//__// /__/ ___ ___ ___ ________ | //__| /__\ /__\ / // //|/| | / // // \ / \ / // // / | |/|// // / / //__//__// | -------------------------------------- October 22 1997 * LiVE! * From Roswell, New Mexico [The camera decends upon Roswell New Mexico where the ring is set up on US 380, Roswell's main street.   A number of inbred sorts mill around the broadcast table, conspiracy in their eyes.  New Agers dance about, humming a hymn to the stars.  Two men in business suits and dark glasses observe the scene.  Steve Summer is engaged in discussion with some pimply faced youth as to the reletive merits of Data versus Mr. Spock.] LM: [over his shoulder] Oh yeah?  Well, Mr. Spock doesn't need a chip if     he wants emotions. BL: Good evening, I'm Becky LaRue.  Regressing back to his childhood next to me is Larry Moron. LM: It's true, Becky.  It's all true.  The "X Files" were right... they aren't just coming, they're already here! BL: Might I add that the IIWF does not endorse this opinion. LM: But they _do_ endorse this! [Larry holds up a t-shirt of Brody Thunder with green, vertically slit eyes.  It bears the legend "I got alienated in Roswell"] BL: Larry, how would you like to experience cattle mutilation first hand? Let me just mention that there are no cows around here. [At this moment a fan wearing only a smiling alien cap and nothing else runs accross the screen.] FAN: We come in peace! [The fan tosses a handful of Recess Pieces at the camera.  He is quickly downed by one of the boys in black.] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Shadoe Rage vs. Casey C. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Before either Scott Bloom or Shadoe Rage could appear, the crowd were brought alive by the unscheduled appearance of one Alex Rio. The wiry cruiserweight wheeled a table down to ringside, laden with foodstuffs. He took a seat and put his feet up on the table, apparently waiting for the show to begin. Casey C. was first to arrive, sporting the new "There's No Justice Like Jobber Justice" t-shirt, and received a lukewarm reception from the fans on hand. Shadoe Rage's reception was more vehement -- the fans either seemed to support him for his decision to leave brother Derek Rage in the Prophets, or revile him for it -- but the flamboyant Rage appeared not to even notice the fans as he made his way to the ring, his distaste at being in a match such as this more than evident. Shadoe immediately took control, but was distracted when Alex Rio sported a powdered wig, the kind judges wear, and began tucking into a rather British feast of tea and crumpets. Rage tossed Casey C. to the outside and went outside to question Rio, who offered him some crumpets. Rage didn't take kindly to the offer, however, and knocked Rio on his behind, causing the Las Vegas native to lapse into mock tears. Rage dragged the decimated Casey C back into the ring -- but Shadoe didn't finish him quickly, instead playing with Casey C's carcass, blitzing him with high impact and innovative aerial moves and impact brawling moves. After an utter onslaught of hurricanranas, extreme daredevil flying manoeuvres, a bell shot to the throat and a series of tilt-a-whirl piledrivers, cradle-superplexes and flying double axehandles, Shadoe tossed Casey out onto the floor and nailed him with five death-defying Angel of Death Moonsault elbows before taking the count-out victory. Unfortunate Casey C was stretchered out, but Shadoe wasn't satisfied until he performed the Angel of Death drop on the stretcher as it was wheeled away from the ring. WINNER: Shadoe Rage by countout [Cut back to Larry and Becky.] LM: Shadoe Rage could have a fine career ahead of him as a singles wrestler. BL: I don't know about that -- but I do know that he'd better do something about his fashion sense. LM: He certainly is flamboyant, Becky. BL: Flamboyant? I don't think so, Larry. Did I ever tell you about the time I went to a date dressed only in a feather boa and a diamond tiara? LM: [his eyes glazing over] Oh my. BL: Get a grip, Larry. And can you believe I got stood up? LM: [muttering] I'm sure you're not the only one... YOW! BL: Sick puppy. Let's go to the next match. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Natural Predators vs. The Barnacle Brothers ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Barnacle Brothers, unfortunate sea-farers that they are, despite sporting their new t-shirts, were prevented from even reaching the ring by Licensed for Devastation, who blasted them in the aisle with an assortment of high-impact double-team manoeuvres. Starr and Chaos then tossed the battered pair towards Alex Rio, who had now donned a yellow mackintosh and fisherman's waterproof hat, and offered fish to the Barnacles -- who accepted, before being dragged into the ring by the Natural Predators, who quickly pinned them. LFD remained in the aisle watching the match, and when the Predators won, they stormed the ring, triggering a two-on-two brawl between the two teams which appeared to have no decisive conclusion, until officials finally managed to separate the four men and drag them back to the locker room area. WINNERS: Natural Predators by pinfall [Cut back to Larry and Becky.] LM: What do you make of Alex Rio, Becky? BL: I remember the last time we saw him in the IIWF -- running away from Otto Verhoeven. And now he wants to feed our under-nourished Jobber Justice Squad? LM: I wonder what his reasons could be. He's always been a slightly off-beat character. Hey, Becky, did you know that the original Smokey the Bear was found just outside of Roswell, and he's buried right here? BL: How do you now that he was a bear at all?  Maybe he was a covert     alien dressed as a bear.  Here to convince us that fires are bad,     while fire is the only thing that wioll stop this alien invasion. [There is a silent moment as the crowd contemplates this wisdom.  The men in dark glasses shuffle nearer the table.] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Subway Psycho vs. Scott "the Whine" Bloom ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Subway Psycho played to the fans on his way to the ring to face fellow veteran Scott "the Whine" Bloom, who had got on the mic before the match and given one of his trademark paranoid speeches. The Psycho seemed unimpressed by such theatrics, however, and soon put Bloom flat on his back with an impressive -- and unusually aggressive -- assault. Instead of taking an immediate pinfall after the De-Railer flying legdrop, the Psycho asked the fans whether they would give the match a thumbs up or a thumbs down. The crowd responded with a thumbs down -- which was sufficient provocation for the Psycho to batter Bloom into submission, finally tossing him semi-conscious out of the ring for the countout victory. WINNER: Subway Psycho by countout [Cut back to Larry and Becky.] LM: An impressive display from the Subway Psycho. BL: Seems he favours the "strong, silent type" approach at the moment. I don't think I've seen that guy open his mouth since he returned a couple of months ago. Perhaps he's going to show up with a turkey vulture tied to the top rope next week. LM: What kind of stupid idea is that? BL: Seems to boost the ratings for some hick promotion down in Atlanta. LM: Maybe it's the aliens. BL: We've got to get out of here. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Otto "the Butcher" Verhoeven vs. "Nifty" Ned Norton ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Otto Verhoeven hit the ring, accompanied by his beautiful valet, Nurse Heidi, like a rabid rottweiler, brutally, and thankfully rapidly, dismantling Ned Norton in most commanding fashion, finishing him off with a Meat Hook second rope chokeslam from each of the four corners of the ring, and a Slaughterslam for good measure. After the match, Verhoeven had something to say to the crowd: [Cut to footage captioned, "Earlier Tonight." The scene cuts to the middle of the ring.  Otto "The Butcher" Verhoeven and his valet, Nurse Heidi are standing over the crumpled form of "Nifty" Ned Norton, angrily gesturing for the ring attendant to pass him the microphone...] LM: Verhoeven looks very upset here, Becky.  I don't think it's Norton who got him so angry -- he practically tore the poor man apart! BL: Quiet, moron, he's about to speak! [The Butcher glares around at the crowd as they begin to boo loudly, and then looks down at Norton as he starts to roll towards the ropes...] LM: And Verhoeven drops the mic and goes straight back to Norton, dragging him up by the hair... SLAUGHTERSLAM! BL: That's right, Verhoeven, take out the trash! LM: There was no need for that, I'm sure all Norton wanted was to get out of there in the first place! BL: And now he's going nowhere.  When the Butcher says, "stay, dog," you stay. [Verhoeven ignores the heel pop from the crowd and snatches the microphone back up, walking across towards the ropes with an expression of utter disgust on his face...] OV: Silence, dogs! [Heel pop!] Listen when I speak! I want to talk about a man who sees fit to try and insult the Teutonic Terror with his mere presence!  I want to talk about a man who simply doesn't know when his career is over! [The crowd pops loudly as they realise where Verhoeven is leading] OV: Ja, I want to talk about that gottverdammte British pig, Lord Byron.   Byron.  You just don't know when to leave well enough alone, do you?  You just don't know when your time is over.  At Coronation Clash, Byron, I ripped you apart, tore right through you, made sure that your last appearance in a IIWF ring ended in your leaving the stadium on a damn STRETCHER! [The heel pop from the crowd is almost deafening. Verhoeven spits on the canvas, before continuing]   You should have taken that as a massive hint, Byron.  You should have given up on the IIWF once and for all and return to England.  But no, only last week I am forced to witness your smug, arrogant face spout out a series of lies and insults.  I have to watch you patronise me yet again!  Listen closely:  No more, Byron!  NO MORE!  I should have finished the job at Coronation Clash, but out of the little respect I had left for you I did not.  And now you come back, and you try to laugh off the beating I gave you?  You actually dare to say you feel pity for Germany's premium athlete?! [Verhoeven, now practically livid with rage, rips the top half of his wrestling outfit down, thumbing his bare chest] You dare say you feel pity towards this?  The most dangerous man in wrestling?  I don't want your gottverdammte pity, Byron!  I don't need your pity! You talk about the European Alliance and the force it was?  I tell you, _I_ was the European Alliance!  _I_ was the force to be reckoned with, while you sneaked around with your little belt, taking all the glory like the cowardly British hund you are!  And now, the real force in the European Alliance is still counted among the greatest athletes in the world, while you sit in your mansion and reminisce on what might have been!  How dare you say you pity me!! [Verhoeven stops shouting, glaring out at the now thunderously roaring crowd.  He raises the microphone again, and slowly, quietly, starts to speak...] OV: If I ever, ever see your face in the IIWF again, Byron, I will destroy you, break your back once and for all.  Watch, Byron, watch, and see your fate. [With that, Verhoeven throws the microphone out into the crowd and turns around, dragging the prone Ned Norton back to his feet and grasping him around the throat.. the crowd pops in anticipation...] LM: Oh no... somebody better stop him, he's going to cripple "Nifty" Ned! BL: It's about time someone did... LM: Verhoeven, setting Norton up for another Slaught... Hang on! VOICE: Verhoeven. [Verhoeven drops Norton with a start, looking around for the source of the slightly mocking voice... there is a static crackle, and the crowd pops wildly...] LB:  Verhoeven. [Slowly, Verhoeven turns, looking up at the giant television wall at the top of the aisle, such as it is... staring straight at the smirking face of Lord Byron, staring right back at him] LB: Put the poor man down will you, Verhoeven? You have nothing to prove against him. [Byron sneers] Unless you like your new reputation as a bully, that is. [Verhoeven launches himself towards the ropes, and only the frantic efforts of Nurse Heidi prevent him from climbing out of the ring.  As Heidi drags him back, Verhoeven points at Byron, yelling curses and insults in German] LB: Why do you insist on trying to put me down, Verhoeven?  Why do you persist with these insults and threats?  I'm gone.  My career's over.  Isn't that enough? [Verhoeven leaps towards the ropes again, again pointing and yelling at Byron.  Byron's lip curls in response.  Officials begin to charge down towards ringside, hesitantly watching the Butcher.] LB: Apparently not. [The crowd pops wildly as Verhoeven shrugs off Heidi's hands and walks back into the center of the ring, placing his hands on his hips.] LB: Could it be that you still, after all this time, bear a grudge against me, Verhoeven?  That you still have something you'd like to get off your chest? [Verhoeven nods his head, mouthing the words "Damn right I do!"] LB: Could it be that you have something you simply must get off your chest?  If that's the case, Verhoeven, then at least do me the honour of explaining your problem to my face.  You have something to say, Verhoeven?  Then say it.  Saturday night, Colorado Springs. [The crowd pops wildly.] LB: If you have something to say to me, Verhoeven, then come and say it.  I'll be waiting. [Byron sneers] Ciao. [The image on the screen winks out, and Verhoeven goes berserk, lunging for Norton again.  The officials storm the ring and pull Verhoeven back just in time, and he is escorted back towards the dressing rooms to a loud heel pop.] WINNER: Otto "the Butcher" Verhoeven by pinfall [Cut back to Larry and Becky.] LM: I think it odd that Byron would insult Otto by calling him a bully.  I can't see that Verhoeven would mind such a moniker. BL: A little time spent in prison will do that to you.  They had to keep     me away from Leavenworth last Saturday. I would have carbonated the     prisoners' hormones.  You would have seen a riot bigger than the time I said I had no date for the Prom. LM: Can we talk about wrestling? BL: I am.  How do you think I learned all my moves? LM: How 'bout that Otto Verhoeven? BL: We have certainly seen the return of the old Butcher. LM: Return?  Was he gone?  Did aliens take over his body? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Down Boys vs. The Machines ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The second match of the night that never actually got started saw all three of the Machines -- the original partnership of Paul Wong and Simon O'Neal, as well as new partner "Real Deal" Luke Steele -- made their way to the ring, and when the Down Boys came out, accompanied by their manager, Awesome T, Dan Oliver and Adam Peterson were also joined by an ally from their Japanese days, "Hardkore" Johnny Valentine. The official was in trouble right from the start, as both Steele and Valentine refused to leave the ring, resulting in a huge six-man brawl breaking out in the ring before the match could be started. All manner of objects from the crowd -- imitation light sabres, hub-caps from UFO photo hoaxes, as well as the odd good old-fashioned steel chair -- ended up being used as weapons in this wild brawl... until the JJS locker room cleared, and together with security, the Jobber Justice Squad were able to separate the teams. After the ring was cleared, El Super Gecko and the Rotundos remained in the squared circle, and delighted the crowd by forming the letters "JJS" with their arms. RESULT: No contest [Cut back to Larry and Becky.] LM: The tag teams are certainly competitive in the IIWF at the moment, Becky. BL: By competitive, I assume you mean that they hardly ever wrestle one another, since they're too busy squabbling over who gets to wear the feather boa this week. LM: Well, actually... BL: [interrupting] I don't believe anybody asked for your opinion, Larry. Next. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Timothy N. Turner vs. "One Man Army" Dakota Bundy ------------------------------------------------------------------------ In the battle of the two winners of last Saturday's "Over the Wall" match, these two Cruiserweights put on quite a show for the people. The younger Turner appeared to be faster on his feet than the veteran Bundy, although the "One Man Army" was more than a little effective when he was able to slow the pace for a brief period around five minutes into the match. Turner, however, dominated the action, using his technical knowhow as well as his speed to run rings around Bundy for a good deal of the match. However, out of nowhere, Bundy hit his lightning-fast Firearm forearm, knocking Turner to the outside, allowing Bundy to bring a number of foreign objects into the fray, seemingly at the command of manager "The Mouth" Matt Malone. Turner was brutally battered on the outside by the suddenly rabid Bundy, who even took a couple of shots at the fans, before taking the match back into the ring, where Turner staged a revival of sorts, pulling off a couple of near falls -- but in the end it was Bundy who managed to hit the pinfall on the exhausted Turner, Matt Malone celebrating wildly as he and his charge beat a hasty retreat. WINNER: Dakota Bundy by pinfall [Cut back to Larry and Becky.] BL: I would hazard a guess that these two will face again. LM: Maybe at Ring Wars IV -- coming your way November 8, live from the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum, only on pay-per-view? BL: Larry, you couldn't keep a secret if aliens captured you and your life depended on it. LM: But they submit you to devices... they use the anal probe! BL: Something tells me you'd like that. LM: As if you've never... BL: Best weekend of my life. LM: That's Steve's line. BL: Maybe Steve's an alien.  Maybe I am... come to seduce all the men of     Earth. [The men in black glasses become visibly restless. One tries to talk discreetly into his ballpoint pen.] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Marty Warnett vs. Highwayman ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The night seemed to be fated for the Highwayman right from the outset, when the sound machine apparently chewed up the tape of his entrance music, and Smith was forced to enter to silence, clearly angered -- and he exploded at a fan who waved a "Scotty Rogers Forever" sign in his face, shredding it and throwing it back into the surprised fan's face. As Warnett entered, he took plenty of time making his way down to the ring, keeping Smith waiting impatiently. Even after entering the squared circle, Warnett stalled the beginning of the match, leading the crowd in a chant of "Gimmick sucks!", which further infuriated the Highwayman. Smith launched himself at Warnett, but found that Marty was one step ahead of him, and dodged out the way. This was to be the story of the majority of the match, Warnett taking advantage of the Highwayman's lack of focus and growing frustration. However, as the match progressed, Smith found himself able to counter Warnett's technical style, and both men had a number of near falls in their favour before the Highwayman's ex-Genesis partner, and Warnett's slated opponent for Saturday, Scott Rogers, made his way down to ringside. A slanging match between the two former partners resulted in Rogers ending up on the apron and shoving the Highwayman. Warnett was quick to capitalise, and rolled Smith up into a small package for the pinfall. Highwayman wass clearly upset with Rogers... but so, it seemed, was Warnett -- who didn't appreciate the interference. Rogers and the Highwayman left without incident, and Warnett went back to celebrating his victory, but as he left the ring, he was met by a singing telegram, who in the tune to "Jesus Christ Superstar" sang: "# Mar-ty War-nett / The Superstar -- is twice the man -- who you think you are! #" Warnett seemed angered by this intrusion, and chased the singer back to the locker room area. WINNER: Marty Warnett by pinfall [Cut back to Larry and Becky.] LM: Things just don't seem to be going right for the Highwayman -- months as the lackey of Genesis, and now having his entrance music chewed up by the PA man. What else can go wrong? BL: He could take you on as his manager -- then things could get a whole lot worse. LM: Larry Morton, Manager Extraordinaire. That's got a certain ring to it, don't you think? BL: Yeah, a "don't call us, we'll call you" kind of ring. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Requiem vs. Kevin "the Cavalier" Christiansen ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [Scene opens to the locker room area, where Kevin Christiansen is preparing for his match against Requiem.] KC: A former World Champion.  The man many in this league hath feared     for some time.  The former leader of Genesis. [Christiansen looks up at the camera from where he is sitting.] KC: Thou art well known around here, Requiem.  Not well-liked, but well known.  Tonight, it is my turn to challenge thee, Requiem, not a week after I faced thy former allies and emerged victorious, thanks to the aid of Derek Mota and Simon Lebec.  'Tis also not a week after thou didst emerge the beaten man against Otto Verhoeven. [Christiansen finishes lacing up his boots, and stands up to go to the ring.] KC: Thy time in the limelight hast passed, Requiem.  Now, it is mine     turn to shine. [The Cavalier turns and starts walking down the backstage ramp to the ring. Cut to the highlights.] Requiem was clearly in no mood for games as he made his way to the ring for his match, but Christiansen appeared to be more than ready for his much larger opponent, immediately working on Requiem's legs, with no small amount of success. Requiem appeared to be thrown by the ferocity of Christiansen's initial onslaught, and it took him a few minutes to get into his stride -- and just as he laid the Cavalier out with a chokeslam, who should appear in the aisle but the Blind Guardian: [Cut to footage captioned, "Earlier Tonight." The aged Blind Guardian appears in the aisle, armed with a microphone, illuminated by a single spotlight. Requiem, standing in the ring over the downed Christiansen, who fights for breath after the chokeslam, regards the Blind Guardian with little more than disdainful curiosity.] BG: Aha... If it ain't the biggest tinhorn himself. Or should I call you the fallen angel? Whatsoever, Rectum, is that your idea of putting up a fight? But what more can I expect from a wrestler of the - [the Blind Guardian looks into the crowd] _mighty_ IIWF? [heel pop] Yeah, folks, I don't like this league either [even bigger heel pop]. So what is it that troubles you, Rectum? Are you missing your buddies, young brat? Watch it, boy! [Requiem wheels around and is momentarily staggered by a dropkick from the recovered Christiansen. The two slug it out for a few moments, until Requiem downs Christiansen again with a big boot to the face.] BG: Pheeww -- and I even warned you. Yes, you're a _mighty_ wrestler, that's for sure. [A faint laughter is heard as the Blind Guardian drops the microphone and approaches further towards ringside. Cut back to the highlights.] Requiem was clearly confused as to why this aged man was taunting him, and thus turned his attention back to his once again recovering opponent, battering him down with a series of power moves, culminating in the deadly Reqbreaker, a gorilla press into a backbreaker over the steel ring post. Christiansen fought gamely, despite the discomfort he was clearly suffering in his lumbar region, but was eventually overpowered. Suddenly, the Blind Guardian made his way into the ring, eerily staring at Requiem but making no move to attack either man. The official failed in his attempts to make the Guardian leave the ring, who remained standing there, pointing at Requiem -- who was now clearly mystified. Christiansen was able to use the former World Champion's confusion to his advantage, rolling him up from behind for an inside cradle that only narrowly failed to give him the victory. With the Blind Guardian still in the ring, Requiem finally hit a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker on the already injured Christiansen, and was able to get the pinfall. The "Angel of Destruction" then went nose to nose with the Blind Guardian, apparently trying to stare him down, trying to get a sense of what he wanted... but the BG didn't back down one inch. Requiem eventually shook his head and backed away, leaving the BG in the ring to a confused reaction from the crowd. WINNER: Requiem by pinfall. [Cut back to Larry and Becky.] LM: The Blind Guardian is a mysterious fellow, Becky. BL: There are plenty of mystifying people around here too. I say we get out of here. LM: Okay, but first let me tell the people about Ring Wars IV. BL: Let me... pay-per-view, November 8, just two weeks away, Los Angeles, a hundred thousand fans, all the IIWF's titles on the line, don't miss it. LM: Professionally done. What about this Saturday Night's card? BL: J.W. Hardin. Need I say more? LM: Probably not. Well, that's it for this week, folks. We'll be back next week with another War Room from the sound stage of Universal Studios. It's sure to be a blockbuster. Until then, so long, and thanks for watching! [The men in business suits finally approach the broadcast table and grab a shocked Larry, dragging him out of the shot, while Becky craftily grabs one of their ballpoint pens. She clicks the propelling button at one end of the pen -- and the screen flashes white before fading.] +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= I * I * W * F =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-+ | President: Daniel Spreadbury | Vice-President: Jim Jividen | | univ0322@sable.ox.ac.uk | brokeback@webtv.net | | iiwf@sisko.demon.co.uk | | +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- http://www.sisko.demon.co.uk -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=+