[Open on a soundless view of bucolic Portland, Oregon.  The shot sweeps across the Willamette River and the Columbia Gorge... over through the Tom McCall Waterfront Park, home of Portland's annual Festival of Roses... across town to the Pittock Mansion... to the Oregon Center of Science and Technology... A gentle hum of violins accompanies a languid look at flowers... bridges... the bluffs overlooking the Pacific Ocean... the shot zooming in on a beachfront shot of a sweater-clad man and a little boy, obviously his son, walking together hand in hand as the setting sun... and then the shot... disappears. Cut to the exterior of the IIWF Coliseum, the same father and son, now each wearing black t-shirts, each with a skull and crossbones and the words, "The IIWF -- No Love, No Learnin'!" printed thereon... they hand their tickets to the usher and as the doors swing wide... we are assaulted with screams, lights, deafening music and the swirl of a singular noise made with all of the fervor and ferocity that only twenty thousand fans can produce as their heroes return home:] "I-I-W-F!... I-I-W-F!... I-I-W-F!...I-I-W-F!" [The opening graphics explode onto the screen:] ________ ______ __ ____ ___ __ . _ ___ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __| / /\ | | || \| \ /\ \ / |\ || / \| | | | || | \ v v / | __| \__ /__\ | | ||__/| |/__\ v | \||| __|-| | |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| \ \| v | \|__/ \| | || \_|| | | __________________________/...hour one...\........|...|.......|....| LIVE! IIWF Coliseum, Portland, Oregon 29 November 1997 [The opening graphics fade through to interior shots of the familiar IIWF Coliseum, the twenty thousand strong hometown crowd clearly very excited to see the prodigal federation finally return from its extended tour. Cameras flash all over the arena, from the floor to the mezzanine, with such rapidity as to almost create a strobe effect, briefly illuminating one area of fans, then another, then another... In the midst of the darkness is the beacon of the ring area, a huge rigging erected over the squared circle, many coloured spotlights spinning over the crowd and the canvas. Suddenly, the Coliseum itself seems to shake as huge volleys of pyrotechnics erupt in the rafters, rockets streaming up to the rafters from the head of the aisle. The crowd is now brought alive, the fans shouting their approval as showers of sparks fly as a path of fireworks explodes in turn down the aisle, finally reaching the ringside area -- and the four ringposts are together seemingly ablaze as brilliant white flame shoots up from each corner! As the smoke in the ringside area clears, the voice of Tim Dross is heard over this footage:] TD: Welcome everybody, to the IIWF Coliseum! Welcome back to Portland, Oregon! Welcome back to the home of the hottest two hours of wrestling anywhere on the planet! [The shot continues to pan past row upon row of fans, many waving signs and bedecked in IIWF merchandise. Eventually, the shot comes to rest on the ringside enclosure and the broadcast table, at which stand Tim Dross, dressed in his traditional royal blue IIWF blazer and tie, and "Soundbite" Steve Roberts, his trademark leather jacket today worn over a t-shirt reading, "Back in the saddle again!"] TD: Howdy, folks, and welcome to IIWF Saturday Night! I'm Tim Dross, and beside me, as always, is my broadcast colleague, "Soundbite" Steve Roberts, and what a show we have for you tonight as we come from you, live and loud, from the IIWF Coliseum, home of wrestling's best and most loyal fans! SR: Hot diggety dog, Dross -- these morons sure seem glad to see us again! TD: You're not wrong, Steve Roberts. The IIWF finally returns to the IIWF Coliseum for the first time in nearly two months, and it returns with a tremendous Champion vs. Champion vs. Champion Triangle Match main event, as the "Lone Wolf" Brody Thunder, "Quickstrike" Chris Quigley and the "Rocket Man" Timothy N. Turner, the IIWF's three singles champions, square off in what is sure to be an explosive contest. SR: Thunder's ridin' the big wave, baby dolls. He's unstoppable. TD: Indeed, coming off a big win at Ring Wars IV, Brody Thunder should be rested and ready to continue what has thus far been a highly impressive tenure as the IIWF's World Heavyweight Champion. Chris Quigley also retained his title at Ring Wars IV over Duncan Macbeth... SR: ...thanks to that "walking miracle" Steve Manning. And Quigley expects us to swallow that crap about not knowing Manning could walk. Unbelievable, Dross. TD: Well, Chris Quigley seems to be having his problems with Mr. Manning, and I'm sure that is going to play a part in tonight's match. Making up the third of that terrific trio in the main event is brand new Cruiserweight Champion, Timothy N. Turner. SR: Gotta love the little tyke's style, Dross. Always zoomin' here, zoomin' there with his little jetpack. Next he'll have his own backing singers -- maybe they should be called the "Rockettes." You heard it here first, baby dolls! TD: Please, don't go giving him ideas, Steve Roberts. As well as that tremendous main event, we'll see the fate of the IIWF World Tag Team Championships well and truly decided here tonight, as not only will we see Cold Spell and the Harlequins square off in a unification match, we will also see four top contending teams -- the Machines, the Down Boys, Damage Inc. and the High Plains Drifters -- battle it out for the right to challenge the winners of the title match to a title shot whenever they please! SR: Aw, there you go trying to sell the tag division to the good folks out there in TV land, Dross. Everybody knows the tags are just a bunch of gay guys -- except the Prophets, of course. Now there's a team. TD: We also have some tremendous tag team action involving the IIWF's top stars coming your way tonight, folks -- from that Eight Man Sudden Death Elimination Match to the Returnees vs. Newcomers match we'll be seeing at the end of this hour. All of the IIWF's top stars -- and a number of new stars making their first IIWF appearances here tonight, like the veteran Mark Destructo, technician Charles Scheffield, and Christopher Stonebreaker -- as well as that mystery partner in that newcomers match. SR: I know who it is, Dross. TD: I very much doubt that, Steve Roberts, but it is my understanding that the mystery partner is also a newcomer to the IIWF -- and a wrestler quite unlike any you have seen before. Expect the unexpected here tonight, folks! SR: But what you can expect, Dross, is me to be presenting "Inside the Soundbite" this coming Tuesday! Remember our little bet? TD: I do indeed, Steve Roberts. In just a few moments we will be seeing that Cruisers Climb The Ladder match, the winner of which will receive a shot at the Cruiserweight title here on IIWF Saturday Night -- and if less than five cruiserweights appear for action, then yours truly will have won the bet, and you, Steve Roberts, will be reciting poetry to Chris Quigley this coming Tuesday. SR: Not gonna happen, Dross. The entire cruiserweight division of the IIWF hasn't got five braincells between them, let alone five guys clever enough to come out here and fight for a shot at the title. Be prepared to spend a little more time with your family, Dross, because you're gonna have the week off, buddy. TD: We'll see about that, Steve Roberts. Folks, on top of all the incredible action in the ring scheduled for tonight, we'll be hearing from Marty Warnett, who will have comments concerning his future in the IIWF... SR: [singing] # Na na, na na na na, hey Mar - ty... good - bye! # TD: Please, Steve Roberts. There's no need for that. We'll also be hearing from the Intercontinental Champion, Chris Quigley, ahead of that triangle match, and we will be getting comments from "Spotlight" Billy Shakespeare! But right now, we have a very special presentation. I was fortunate enough to interview Steve "the Fury" Kowalski this past week, and we will be presenting to you his comments here tonight! SR: All right, Dross! The Fury -- he can go, baby dolls. Can ya hear the skulls pumpin'? TD: Let's go right to that interview now. [Cut to a monochrome montage of Steve "the Fury" Kowalski in action in the squared circle, over which comes the voice of Tim Dross:] VO: He is one of the most popular and the most hated wrestlers in the world today. With a sharp temper and a reckless demeanor, he has earned the name "Fury". Since arriving in the IIWF, the New Jersey Nightmare has run roughshod over the competition. This was evident in an Intercontinental and a Cruiserweight championship. But at the hands of "Lone Wolf" Brody Thunder and his infamous triple-cross, the Next Big Thing's runaway train came to an abrupt halt. Today we will hear why Steve Kowalski came back to the IIWF and what he has in store for 1998. [Fade in to Steve Kowalski and Tim Dross at Company B's, Kowalski dressed in his usual jeans, T-shirt and leather jacket. Enjoying his Pabst Blue Ribbon, he has his feet up the opposite chair. Dross is dressed in his unspectacular gray suit.] TD: Steve, I want to thank you for sitting down with us today. Everyone, myself included, wanted to what you were up to. So, I'll cut to the chase and ask you. After the night of the "Triple Cross," what happened to you? No-one knew how serious your injuries were, or even where you were. SK: I was in a coma, in a friggin' hospital bed in Hackensack Medical. That last shot to my head sent me to la-la land big time. Sometimes, I still hear a couple a rocks bouncin' around in there. Reason ya didn't hear about me was Spreadbury didn't want any bad press. TD: Bad press? Injuries happen all the time, though yours was a major one. SK: Yup. With a lot of the guys leavin' the IIWF, Danny boy had to get new talent. But it's hard to get talent when they know they could get crippled. [BLEEP]. The toughest S.O.B. gets put on the shelf and ya think it doesn't scare the newbies? I don't remember gettin' any cards from ya, Timmy. TD: I... uh... it must have slipped my mind. You must really want to get your hands on current IIWF Champion Brody Thunder, him being the reason you were put out for so long. SK: I 'ready got my hands on Brody. Or didn't ya notice his ass planted on the mat at Ring Wars? Beatin' on Brody ain't a problem. It never was an' ain't never gonna be. Breakin' him down. Now that's the hitch, ya' know. I ain't really mad at him anyways. It's just that he beat me to the punch. Ha ha. But I don't think he should be the champ, though. This fed's been a little shaken up an' he ain't takin' it to the competition like a champ should be. TD: And I suppose you would make a better champion, right? SK: Was there any doubt? TD: But, Steve, doesn't everyone wrestler say they should be champ? SK: I'm sure a lotta has-beens an' never will-bes still yak it up on the Countdown, but how many o' them really got what it takes? They want the belt fer [BLEEP] like fame, money an' fer their egos. I want the belt 'cause this fed's gone downhill since yers truly went the way of hospital food. It's been voted #1 an' now it's full of itself. Ya can't lose guys like James an' Outlaw an' Claw and not have the grit leave the show. No one here to lead by example, 'cept me. TD: So you feel by gaining the championship, you will be doing the IIWF a service? Very few people would agree with that logic. SK: Well, very few punks agree with me, but I ain't losin' any sleep over it. I'm also tired of the pretenders, who _think_ they're so mean, ruff, an' tumble. Ya seen them, tryin' to make a statement... tryin' to take it to the next level... _my_ level. TD: And those wrestlers would be who? SK: Well, there's Brody, but we'll all know he's hit the limit. Oh yeah, that Serging Anus! The guy has his first barb wire match an' everyone acts like he's the second comin'! He gets a thumbs up fer droppin' Creed for the long haul, but Jesus! Shut the [BLEEP] up 'bout how evil and insane ya are! I consider 'im the epitome of masturbation, 'cause he's always strokin' himself. TD: Oookay. I feel the negative waves from that one. Who else? SK: That's jus' the beginnin'... [The shot fades. Cut back to the monochrome montage of Kowalski in the ring. Tim Dross' voice over once more:] VO: Next week, the conclusion of this interview with the "New Jersey Nightmare", Steve "the Fury" Kowalski! [Cut back to the broadcast table at ringside.] SR: Fury! My man! Gonna be a wild, wild ride, Dross buddy! TD: It certainly is. And you won't believe some of the other things Steve Kowalski had to say about the other IIWF superstars. We'll have the concluding part of that interview right here next week. Okay, folks, we're long overdue for our first match. Let's get up to the ring for the spectacular Cruisers Climb The Ladder Match. SR: Five cruisers, Dross. TD: Indeed -- if less than five cruiserweights appear for this match, then the bet is yours, Steve Roberts. SR: Five cruisers, Dross. They'll never make it. TD: Let's get up to the ring and find out! ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v v / | __| CRUISERS CLIMB THE LADDER MATCH |_||_| \_/\_/ |_|.................................................... WRITER: JdW TD: We're about to launch into the very first IIWF match since Ring Wars     IV... and what a truly unique contest it is! SR: Unique is one word... I prefer nutty. Still, you gotta do something     special for the hometown morons, right morons? [Behind Steve Roberts, the Lil' Soundbiters and, in fact, most of the crowd erupt into unusually enthusiastic chants of "Shoot, Soundbite, Shoot!"] SR: Morons. TD: What we have is a match where absolutely any cruiserweight in the     IIWF is invited to try and climb the 10 foot ladder you see in the     aisle... [the camera makes the appropriate cutaway to show the     cheap, but sturdy steel ladder.]... hoping to claim Tim Turner's     jetpack and with it a shot at the Cruiserweight Champion on December 13. We're not sure exactly who will be participating, except that     Takezo Musashi is in and Ronnie Paris is out. SR: Firstly, Ronnie Paris doesn't have to come out, I spotted his     "lifestyle choice" from miles away. Secondly, I can tell you who'll be participating... less than five runtweights. It's gonna be sweet, "Inside the IIWF" with Steve Roberts and _only_ Steve Roberts. TD: I still think the only thing you'll be doing is reading poetry, but     we'll see when Sparkplug Lee tells us who's in this match. For now, we have the "Presentation of the Jet Pack", if you will. [A quiet awe falls over the IIWF Coliseum as Sparkplug Lee rises to open a card for the first time in months. The crowd as a whole goes silent, showing its immense respect and gratitude for the services Sparky provides, and for the IIWF in general. The silence is abruptly broken as Sparky stands to make his announcement... our incomprable ring announcer knocking over his own chair in the process, scattering his cue cards all over the place. A red-faced Sparky ad-libs as the laughs start to mount.] SL: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome at this time the IIWF     Cruiserweight Champion of the World... to present his jet pack, here is Timothy N. Turner! [Elton John's "Rocketman" begins to play, a fairly appropriate way to introduce our Cruiserweight champion. Turner steps into the aisle with the gaudiness level tilted to "hi", wearing a terribly ornate, jewel-encrusted robe which sparkles in the spotlights. He also has the rocket motif all over his wrestling gear, a rocket ship emblazonned on each leg of his tights. Playing his new role to the hilt, Turner saunters more than walks towards the ring, patting his title lovingly as he goes and paying little, if any heed to the fan response.] SR: Now, as much as I usually don't like the little guys, here is a     Cruiserweight with class and style. TD: Later tonight he'll be involved in a truly wild bout with the IIWF's     other two singles champions. SR: How do you know it's going to be wild? It's not like they plan these matches in advance or anything. [Turner steps slowly into the ring, milking the moment as much as he can, while a pair of techies drag the aforementioned ladder into position in the ring to facilitate hanging the jet pack up. Turner, having by now fully entered the ring, steps towards the centre of the mat where the IIWF staffers debate how to properly set up a ladder. As they are ironing out the details, Turner slips his robe off gently, revealing the jet pack strapped around his back, which draws a huge response from the crowd. Sparky steps in to ask for the apparatus, which Turner looks at longingly, debating whether to take it off or not. After a moment of indecision, he slips one strap, and then the other off his shoulders, but still holds onto the pack, reluctant to give it up. Ever tactful, Sparky makes a scene of holding his hands out to receive the pack, which seems to be ticking off the champ. Turner hands the pack off, not in the least gently, and turns to storm out of the ring.] TD: There you have it folks, the object that the IIWF's Cruiserweights     all want to get their hands on! SR: Other than Victoria Von Edward, of course. I'm going to have to take her on the "Soundbite Tour" of IIWF Towers... introduce her to the joys of the Executive sauna... the extra large supply closets... the "Kennedy Room"... [Sparky hands the jet pack off to the befuddled staffers who are still a bit behind schedule, and regains his mic, with which he launches into the official introduction of the match.] SL: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is the "Cruisers Climb     the Ladder Match"! The winner will be the first IIWF Cruiserweight to retrieve Tim Turner's jetpack, and will recieve a Cruiserweight Title shot! [obligatory pop for a title defense]     Introducing your contestants... hailing from the Land of the Rising     Sun, Oulu Finland, and Toronto Canada respectively, they are the      "Enigma" Takezo Musashi, Icehawk of Cold Spell, and Derek Mota! [Big combined pop for all three, although none appear just yet. By now, the jetpack has finally been strung up by a rope hanging above centre-ring, and the staffers have somehow found their way to safety.] SR: Just three, Dross, I win! TD: Wait a minute, Sparky has more to say! SL: Also competing, hailing from London, England, and representing the     Jobber Justice Squad, is Casey C! [A small pop arises as the eternal underdog, Casey C, walks out into the aisle wearing a "There's no Justice like Jobber Justice" t-shirt. He seems uncertain of himself, but seeing no one else around he makes his way towards the ring, eyeing the prize and the ladder which was conveniently left standing in a corner of the ring.] SR: It's only four, Dross! You still lose! TD: But I... SR: [interrupting] Don't say anything, Dross. You need to get used to it. [Casey continues along his slow march to the ring, getting more confident with each step he takes. Suddenly, however, he is shocked to hear loud cheering, and despite any ego complex he quickly realizes it isn't for him. He turns to see Icehawk, sans tag team title, running towards him down the ramp. In a potentially bad decision, Casey runs up to meet him. Neither of the two shows signs of moving, but as the collision is seeming more and more unavoidable, Icehawk suddenly leaps to the air, arm outstretched... and flattens Casey! This seems a cue, as the "Enigma" pours out of the entranceway at that moment, looking a bit more... disturbed than usual, what with red pentagrams painted over his face in place of the usual stars, and larger pentagrams on both his chest and back.] TD: Takezo Musashi has a weapon! He has a pair of nunchaku, or what we     Americanize as nunchucks! SR: Forget that, Dross, here comes Derek Mota! And he has a bigger weapon! [The "Heatseeker" walks out right behind Musashi, weidling a massive sledgehammer which prompts chants of "He's hardcore!" almost instantaneously. Musashi, with a wild look in his eyes, turns as an instinct to face the Canadian and puts his 'chucks up to defemd as Mota swings the hammer of the sledgehammer at him. Wood hits metal to little effect, and the two are at a stalemate... until Casey C careens into Musashi's back, a human projectile that knocks him off his feet!] TD: Icehawk hurls a JJS member right at his opponents... and now he's     making a break for the ring! SR: Please, someone stop him! We don't need any more gay champions! [With Musashi down, Mota is able to charge after the fleeing Icehawk, who sees a shot at the jet pack. Both men are very fast, so the gap between them remains as 'Hawk dives in to the corner containing the ladder. It takes time to move one of those things, though, so as Icey is trying to get a good grip and pull the ladder out into place, Mota has time to get to the ring, dive in, and scramble back to his feet. Derek pulls back his sledgehammer, which he's yet to discard, and threatens to blast Icehawk with it. The flying Fin gets jittery and dives out of the way, dropping the ladder as he goes. Meanwhile, back up at the top of the ramp, Takezo had regained his footing an angry man, and turned to face a meek Casey C. With that, the Japanese star goes nuts, flailing away at the unfortunate jobber with chops, punches, palm blows, and so on, his nunchucks having been dropped in the fall.] SR: Casey C is getting hammered worse than a bunch of high school juniors on Friday night! TD: You have such a knack for words, Steve, I was just going to point out that Takezo Musashi seems like a man possessed. [Finally, Takezo finishes the job, grabbing Casey about his head and half shoving, half tossing him back towards the entranceway. Unfortunately for Casey, at just that moment a concessions vendor with a small cart was walking by that entranceway, right in the way of Casey's trajectory.] SR: The putz just knocked over that guy's cart! There are hot dogs and     spilt beer everywhere... oh, the humanity! TD: I hate to pull away from poor Casey but the Enigma is headed to the     ring, where Derek Mota is taking swats at the jet pack with his hammer. It seems to be just a bit short, though. SR: So you're saying Mota's hammer is a bit short? [Angrily, Derek is trying to smash the possession of the man who took away his title, and is coming within inches of doing so. He leaves himself wide open to attack, however, so Icehawk is easily able to sneak behind him, circling around he legs before diving in with a takedown.The hammer falls harmless to the side, where an official scrambles to pick it up before Musashi can get to it. The Enigma doesn't seem to notice it though, as he's headed straight for the ladder, ignoring Icehawk as he tries to out-grapple Mota. The two roll around, looking for leverage as Musashi starts to right the ladder, spreading its legs to steady it on the canvas. In any event, he gives it a solid kick to ensure the ladder will hold, then sets it up roughly under the hanging jet pack. Suddenly, we zoom back to the entranceway, past the vendor who is demanding Casey pay for his merchandise, to what appears to be a bundle of energy heading towards the aisle.] TD: Moxy Blue is on his way... and he's bringing Scott Rogers with him!     Do you know what this means, Steve Roberts? SR: That the suck quotient of this building just went up? TD: No, it means we have five cruisers! I win the bet! SR: No! No way! Aw, [BLEEP]! [As the Soundbite's screams reverborate through the arena, Richard "Moxy" Blue starts a fast-paced sprint to the ring, trying to make an immediate impact. His friend, "The Fop", walks at a more sedate pace, finding this whole scenario somewhat laughable. In the ring, Icehawk looks up to see an opponent starting the slow trip up the ladder, so he lets go of Mota to try and heed Musashi's progress. As usual in a ladder match, Musashi's first couple of steps are being made slowly, so consequently Icehawk doesn't have a big defecit to make up as he approaches the ladder, edging up bit by bit himself. Both men take a step slowly... the Enigma a bit more so... and both are now almost level with the other. A staredown ensues, as Mota gets up in time to be mowed back down with a Blue spin kick. This draws away 'Hawk's attention briefly, and as he turns back the Enigma lets fly with some red substance... some fluid he's spitting out. The vile stuff hits Icehawk's eyes, and he starts to claw at them desperately, which forces him to loosen his grip. Musashi does his best to shake the ladder, causing the former Olympian to topple off onto his back.] TD: All of these men, all _five_ of them, are fighting like dogs to get     that jetpack. SR: It's a setup, that's it. The IIWF administration has set me up to     make me look like a fool on my own show. Well, you ain't gonna get the Soundbite that easy... nope, I say we revolt. TD: I really think that's... hold on, dropkick by Blue, and the ladder is going down! The ladder goes down, and the Enigma with it! [We now have Moxy Blue and Derek Mota as the only cruisers standing, so Mota lunges in with a charge only to have the fresher Blue evade it. Mota decides to run off the ropes for momentum on his next attack, but he forgets about his long time nemesis, and runs right in the direction of Scott Rogers. Of course, the Fop gtes a hand out to try for a trip, but all he's able to do is snare Mota's ankle, not knock him over. Blue moves in on a distracted foe, flying at him with a cross body block that knocks both men backwards... over the top rope... towards Scott Rogers... and the three go crashing back, ever backwards.] TD: Clean-up in aisle seven! SR: [not paying much attention] Aux armes, Soundbiters! Aux armes, aux     armes, aux armes! [The three scattered men start to rise, none badly wounded by the fall, and all three seem ready to throw in for another melee until they look up, hearing loud "oohs" from the fans. None of them like what they see, which is Takezo Musashi leaping towards them, with the ladder held horizontal in front of them. Neither Mota nor Rogers have a chance to react, but the very nimble Blue does duck away, watching as a crazed Musashi plows through the Canuck and the musclehead, all three ending up falling back, pushing the retaining barrier to inches from it's breaking point.] TD: What a crazy, high-risk move that was! SR: Wait a minute, Dross! Casey C is back, and he has help... it's Alex     Rio! Alexamania is running wild all over Portland! TD: Indeed, Casey C and apparent friend Alex Rio are appearing out of the crowd and... oh my... oh my... SR: Rio has a second ladder! [The ne'er-do-well Brit and his benefactor head straight for the ring with their ladder, not noticed by Musashi, Mota, or Rogers who are all out of it for the time being. Moxy does seem to notice them, but he just wants to let things go and see what happens, while Icehawk has now fully recovered his sight and is confronting the "cheaters". In response, Rio tosses the ladder just barely over the top rope into the ring, and starts to go through his gamut of poses from Ring Wars again. 'Hawk isn't impressed, so he rolls out of the ring to chase off the intruder, which is exactly what Casey was hoping for. He enters from another side of the ring, looking for his ladder... turning to take his ladder off the side of the head! Casey is out cold, and the only man left in the ring, Moxy Blue, sets about getting the ladder in place. There's still no motion from the outside, or at least not enough to be of concern to Mr. Blue.] TD: It looks as if Richard Blue may be on his way to a title shot -- who's in a position to stop him? SR: If Icefreak would just turn around and show some brains, there might     still be time. [Unfortunately, there didn't seem to be any brain-showing going on, as Icehawk continued to chase Rio around in circles, thorugh the first couple of rows of fans. Blue's wasting no time on his way to the jet pack. hopping a few rungs of the ladder and risking a fall more than once as he gets closer and closer. Finally, Takezo Musashi starts to stir, but it seems to be too little, too late as... Blue grabs the pack with the tips of his fingers. He's so close... Casey C is still out cold, no one is near... he has it! Ding! Ding! Ding!] TD: Moxy Blue did it! It took some skullduggery, but he did it! SR: It could be worse. [As soon as the rope has snapped, officials and JJS members pour out to look after the injured threesome out by ringside, while some others wade into the stands with the purpose of hunting down Icehawk and Rio. Blue, however, just dives down with the pack, placing it in front of himself as he falls.... downward, the pack about to take the brunt, until finally he hits, a shower of sparks flying in the air, the sound of clanging metal heard!] SR: He just smashed up that jet pack! The pack took a fall off the top of a ladder! I know someone who won't be pleased with this! [We all do, as within seconds an irate Tim Turner is maling a beeline for the ring, words coming out of his mouth that most sailors would faint at. Blue, having taken his fall surprisingly well, slides right out of the ring to meet the charging champion, and the two immediately start to trade blows, one for one. With security, medical staff, and the JJS all previously involved, there is no immediate push to break the two up as they absorb right hand after right hand from the other.] TD: We have an old-fashioned fist fight going on here, between two men     who'll meet for the Cruiserweight Title on December 13. Only in the     IIWF, folks. SR: Come on, Turner, smash that guy! He's the reason I lost my bet! [The JJS have by now succeeded in at least running both Icehawk and Alex Rio out of harms way somewhere backstage, and the security teams are helping both Derek Mota and Scott Rogers walk away on their own power. The Enigma, however, angrily shakes off an offer for help and walks away on his own, a bit shook up but fine. Satisfied with a job well done, the staff turn around to see the Turner-Blue fist fight, sigh, and wade in to break up yet another melee. Still, the fight rages on with no clear advantage, both men so filled with adrenaline they barely feel the other's shots.] TD: These two men are just being swarmed by officials here, and it's     still just barely enough to overcome their anger. I think it may just be one of those cases where two men don't get along from the get-go. SR: Hate at first sight, you mean? TD: It would seem that way, and it certainly makes their upcoming match     all the more interesting. [By sheer mass, the officials are moving the two combattants back up the aisle, somehow keeping them effectively seperated as they are carted backstage. The only IIWF employees, other than on-air talent, who aren't helping out are those two original techies who are busy scooping up the remnants of the jet pack, which is certainly badly damaged. Loud pop as the camera breifly zooms in on the twisted metal.] TD: I think all we can say to sum that match up is... what an encounter. SR: I'm not reading the poetry, Dross. TD: You have to. A bet is a bet. SR: I've been screwed by the IIWF, I've been screwed by Daniel Spreadbury, I've been screwed by Moxy Blue, I've been screwed by Sto... TD: [hurredly cutting in] Let's just get to our next match. It's the huge four tag team elimination match, the winners of which will decide this coming Wednesday when they want a shot at the IIWF World Tag Team Champions, whomever they are after tonight's unification match between Cold Spell and the Harlequins. This promises to be a real slobberknocker, so let's get up to Sparky for the introductions! ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v v / | __| WINNERS GET FIRST SHOT AT |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: The Machines vs. Damage Inc. vs. High Plains Drifters vs. Down Boys ....................................................................... WRITER: MS [Sparkplug Lee stands in the middle of the ring, dressed in a brand new suit, orange in colour, a variant from his usual blue. He takes the cordless mic and attempts to toss it in the air with style before making his introduction, but it drops to the ground, causing a large feedback. He blushes, picks it up and speaks.] SL: This match is scheduled for three elimination falls and is a special TAG TEAM ELIMINATION BOUT! SR: Aw, no, Dross. Not only do I lose that bet -- damn you, Dross, and damn all the little Drosses -- do I have to watch this? Too many gay guys in the ring at one time. SL: The first competitors, at a combined weight of 502 lbs.... [The theme from "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly" plays over the public address system.] SL: They are PALE RIDER... EASY RIDER... THE HIGH PLAINS DRIFTERS! [The Drifters come to the ring, dressed in the ever unchanging western attire. They smile at the crowd and slap hands as they go by, and a few more fans than last time are reaching out to do so tonight. Pale looks energetic whilst Easy alternates between smiles to the fans and a look of determination as he heads toward the ring. They climb through the ropes and raise their arms to the crowd, some of whom respond.] TD: Well, we have quite the match ahead of us here! Pale and Easy in the ring now... fans having a bit of difficulty adjusting to their new attitude, though they were never at a loss for fans before. SR: Pale and Easy? I told you, Dross, I'm NOT telling you what Snow White looks like naked. I tried to get you The Little Mermaid, but you gave me this "married man" crap. Last time I do you a favour. SL: The next team, weighing at a combined weight of 623lbs... ["Reunited" by Wu Tang Clan plays... large heel pop. Eddie Ramos And Alex Porteaux exit the backstage area... and they look angry. They waste no time getting into the ring, and the crowd has continued in showing their disapproval for the two New Orleans natives.] SL: EDDIE RAMOS... ALEX PORTEAUX... They are... DAMAGAAAAAAAAAAGE INC! TD: And they are REALLY giving it to Damage Inc. here in Portland... Jeandra nowhere at ringside, apparently too many men around here, it's dangerous for anyone to be at ringside. SR: Hey, did you know there's guy in the prairies whose penis is only TWO INCHES long? I don't know why seeing old "Ace" made me remember that... TD: Steve Roberts, ladies and gentlemen. SL: The next competitors, weighing in at a combined weight of 503lbs... ["Welcome to the Machine" by Pink Floyd plays. Out come Simon O'Neal and Paul Wong, dressed in their usual attire of black jackets, fedoras and sunglasses. Wong and O'Neal seem to be arguing already, apparently Wong wants to get to the ring right away... O'Neal is in no hurry.] SR: Man, I don't know why Luke Steele is with these guys. I mean, sure, he likes small woodland creatures, but at least if you get him drunk he'll spin around until he pukes. They only interesting match involving these two is happening on the way to the ring right now! [O'Neal and Wong finally enter the ring and await their final opponents with the other three teams.] SL: And finally, weighing in at a combined weight of 457 lbs... "DAZZLING" DAN OLIVER, "SUPERSTUD" ADAM PETERSON.... ["Down Boys" by Warrant plays. Awesome T, Peterson and Oliver make their way to the ring, they look visibly upset, in exageratted sobs, kleenex to their noses.] SL: ...THE DOWWWWWWWWWWN BOOOOOOOOYYYYYS! TD: What's wrong with them tonight? [The camera zooms in on Peterson's chest: he is wearing a T-shirt that reads "WE MISS YOU MARTY!". Awesome T pats both of the DB's on the head as they enter the ring, "trying to compose themselves."] TD: Good grief, this is downright ridiculous. SR: That's right, he's gone! Learn to live with it! Heaven knows, the Soundbite has. TD: Well, we'll be hearing from Marty Warnett a little later on tonight -- but right now, this match is ready to get underway..... [The fans in the crowd start looking down the aisle towards the wrestlers' entrance.  Most of the crowd looks over thinking that there are some wrestlers coming to ringside.  To the surprise of the men in the crowd, a very lovely oriental woman stands under the jumbotron with a microphone in hand.  She's wearing a black satin, skin-tight gown that lays on the floor.  Up the sides of the gown are diamond shaped holes. Because of the positioning of the diamonds, the fans close to her can tell she's not wearing undergarments.  The back of the gown is open, down to the bottom of her waist.  The front hangs just below her neck. As she starts to talk, a picture of a sun rising over an ocean is played on the jumbotron.) WOMAN: Konbanwa, fans of the IIWF.  I am Ms. Miki. [The men in the crowd cheer very loudly as the wrestlers in the ring stop squaring up to one another and stare on in bewilderment.] MS. MIKI: I have come from the land of the rising sun to bring you the     most fabulous tag team ever to step into the squared circle.     Ladies in the crowd and at home watching, let me give you a     warning.  After you see the two perfect specimens I have brought     here, you are going to want to get rid of your overweight, couch     potato, channel clicking, potato chip king, poor excuse for a man,     and get a piece of this.  Unfortunately, they won't be able to help     you, as they will be defeating all the tag team combinations here in     the IIWF.  So, your best way of getting them is to get those VCRs and cameras ready for the eye-candy you are about to see.  With no     further ado... here are every tag team's worst nightmare, and every     woman's dream, "THE UNIVERSAL HEARTTHROB" AGITO NAKAJIMA and "SWEET"     SHO SATSUMA -- THE FABULOUS ONES! [The rising sun disappears from the screen as explosions around the jumbotron go off.  "Kiss of Death" by Dokken plays over the PA.  The wrestlers in the ring seem pretty fed up and get ready to wrestle again. Then the music stops and Agito Nakajima and Sho Satsuma are seen on the screen.  Both men are oriental, and both have incredible physiques. Agito has long black hair, while Sho's is tied back in a pony-tail.  He also has a lock of hair hanging in front of both ears.] AN: Well, it happened, as predicted.  The IIWF has invited us -- [Agito     points to himself and Sho] -- the FABULOUS ONES here.  The reasons     are numerous and too many to count... SS: However, we'll try! [Sho gives a big smile.] AN: How about the World tag team championship?  I'm not sure what all     the fuss is about with the "COLD QUINS" and nor do we care.     Obviously, neither the COLD SPELL or the HARLEQUINS are good enough     as a unit to win it.   Then, we have this little four corners, winner gets a title shot match, going on right now... or rather after we're done talking. [The women in attendance give a cheer as Sho poses for them.] AN: The reason you boys are in the ring at one time is because none of     you have risen to a level that would award you a title shot or the     title.  The reason all four of these tag teams are in the ring is     because neither pair of them can keep the fans excited enough to     care.  These are just two reasons for us being here. SS: The IIWF wanted the best, and with us here they finally have the     best.  They're smart business men who want ratings, who want great     wrestlers, who want money.  They threw so much money at us we     couldn't resist. AN: One more thing about the FABULOUS ONES being here.  We have an     agenda we're going to take care of.  It has to do with one of the     teams in the ring now... the MACHINES -- SIMON O'NEAL in particular.     You used to date a friend of ours in the AEWA.  She eventually got     wise and dumped you.  However, before doing so you hurt her on some     level, and because of that pain we're going to get a little revenge     for her. SS: So, if I was you, I'd be looking over my shoulders at all times,     'cause you never know when we're going to attack. AN: When you're this good, it's hard to be humble. [Agito and Sho step back and pose for the crowd.  The women give a huge ovation for the newcomers.] SR: Are they done yet? I thought they'd NEVER shut up! I hate them already -- two Japanese Tonnages on weight watchers! [The official signals for the bell: Ding! Ding! Ding! Eddie Ramos and Dan Oliver start off.  They lock up immediately, Eddie pushing Dan down to the mat forcefully. Dan gets up, slighly shaken and a little more cautious. Dan approaches for the lock-up but quickly applies a hammerlock instead. Ramos attempts the tried and true hammerlock to hammerlock reversal, but Dan sees it and whips him through into a hammerlock of his own again. Ramos decides enough of the technical game and nails Oliver to the jaw with an elbow, knocking him down. He connects with a legdrop that reverberates through the arena.] TD: Oliver doesn't want to be in this position... he has to regain his vertical base. SR: Big guy... little guy... bad position... vertical things... man, you're reminding me of that awful scene in "Pulp Fiction". TD: You're blatantly hormonal tonight, Steve Roberts. SR: You shouldn't have given me those green M&Ms. [While the commentators have once again been distracted by a Soundbite rant, Ramos has been continuing to use drop hold on the prone Oliver, but finally raises him up and propels him into an Irish whip. Ramos goes for a powerslam, but Oliver puts on the brakes and shakes Ramos' outstreched hand playfully. An incensed Ramos chases Oliver into the High Plains Drifters' corner, and he tags in Easy Rider. The two big men stare at each other like bulls fighting over a mate. Both bounce into the ropes in opposite directions, and collide. Neither falls. They attempt again, this time with clotheslines. Still, neither falls. They bounce again, and finally Easy leaps with a flying clothesline that knocks Ramos head over heels. Ramos quickly makes the tag to Simon O'Neal, disorientated from the large amount of running.] TD: Now we have the Drifters and the Machines in here.... SR: And now we have time filler! I'm gonna spice things up in a sec, if I get too bored. TD: What are you talking about? [O'Neal nails Easy with a barrage of kicks to the stomach, spending no "warm up" time. He goes for the DDT, but it is blocked by Easy, who hoists him up over his shoulder and across, but O'Neal lands on his feet behind Easy and hits the DDT! Crowd pop. O'Neal grinds his knee into the back of Easys neck. While Easy is on the mat, O'Neal places himself in a backslide position, and flips Easy over into the hold, only for a two count... both men arise, and O'Neal whips Easy into the ropes, only to be reversed as O'Neal hurtles into the Down Boys' corner. Peterson slaps him for the involuntary tag and leaps over the top rope into the ring...] TD: Sound strategy by the Boys, they may gain the element of... oh my. SR: Ha ha! Whoo-hoo! [Peterson seems to have gained a bit of a bad landing, and clutches his knee. Easy doesn't see and whips Adam to the ropes. He doesn't return as he hits the ropes but crumples to the mat, clutching his knee...] TD: Oh, now this is unfortunate. Adam Peterson seems to have blown out his knee... SR: It wouldn't be the first time he's blown... TD: [interrupting] Thank you, Steve Roberts. [Easy looks down at Peterson, concerned... and Peterson grabs his hair and rolls him up in a small package! 1 - 2...] TD: He got him! What a performance by Adam Peterson! [Peterson kips up to his feet and starts to walk around, screaming "I'm healed! It's a miracle"! Easy Rider leaves the ring, disgusted.] SR: They stole that trick from Steve Manning! TD: Even so, we're down to three teams. In a match like this, it's not uncommon to see a quick first pin, because there are no neutral corners and it's easy to get a fresh man in. Poor Easy never even got a chance to get in the ring, the Drifters have just been a victim of this and... what are you doing?! SR: See my new toy? [The action in the ring continues as Paul Wong enters to take on Peterson. Wong nails him with a barrage of right hands into the now neutral corner. Refs asks for a clean break, and gets it. Camera close up of Wong as he and Peterson circle each other. A red laser type dot can be seen dancing around his face.] SR: Ha! Right on target! So remember boys and girls, when you see the red dot, it means, "Soundbite thinks he SUCKS". TD: I'm not even gonna try today, Steve Roberts. [Another lock-up, Wong slipping into a headlock, but Adam pushes him to the ropes, Wong bounces back, Adam drops down, he bounces again and goes for the leapfrog but Wong catches him in a spinebuster! Crowd Pop! Wong tags in his own partner and the Machines go to work, pummelling Adam with kicks. Paul quickly leaves the ring, despite O'Neals comments for him to do the opposite. O'Neal climbs the first rope and nails Peterson with a fistdrop, followed by a single leg boston crab.] TD: Adam Peterson needs the tag. SR: Adam Peterson needs a reality check. His last one bounced. [O'Neal lets go, time limit hastening the match. Crowd pop!] TD: What's this? Oh no... the Machines are in trouble now! SR: It's the "Yes we can speak English and we do it a lot!" boys. TD: The Fabulous Ones at ringside... [O'Neal make some unintelligable comments at the Fabs. He picks up a weary Peterson and drops him down with his patented swinging neckbreaker!] TD: This should be it... aw, no. [O'Neal reaches into his tights and puts on the black glove on his left hand. He also "adjusts his boots". As Peterson gets up, he gets clocked with O'Neal's right hand -- and whatever was in it -- and falls like Bre-X stock. Crowd boos... the ref admonishes O'Neal, asking to check the glove, but he pulls it away, meanwhile throwing a white taped object out of the ring. It doesn't quite make it, however, and lands on the apron... but Agita grabs it and puts it under the ring before the ref notices! Peterson is still rolling about in pain.] TD: Some vengeance! They just saved the Machines from a DQ! [O'Neal doesn't notice. He drops a knee across Peterson's forehead. He tags in Alex Porteaux, and they begin to double team him with forearms to the back. Porteaux tags in Wong, and for a few brutal seconds, Peterson is being pummelled with kicks to the stomach from O'Neal and knife edge chops from Porteaux while O'Neal holds his arms back. O'Neal and Porteaux leave Peterson to Wong.] TD: Damage Inc. are saving their strength here tonight... probably the best strategy in a match like this. It's good to keep an eye out for those Fabulous boys as well. [Wong once again in the ring with the Down Boys rep, lifting him up into a well-practiced backbreaker. The damage to Peterson's main body is leaving him in a severe state of exhaustion. Wong goes for a vertical suplex, but it is blocked by the resilient Peterson. Peterson tries to reverse, but can't lift the big Machine up in his current state, thus resulting in him actually being hoisted in the air after all. Peterson catches a classic Japanese fall behind escape and rolls Wong in an extra tight back slide... and getting the third slap! An exhausted Adam continues to apply the hold. The ref stands up to ring the bell, but then motions for the timekeeper to let the match continue.] TD: What's going on here? SR: Eight men, one ring, no talent. TD: It appears the Down Boys have eliminated another team, but... Wong's foot was on the ropes! I didn't see that during the pin but when the ref looked up it was there! He actually had him, I think! [The video replay shows the backslide... and Sho of the Fabulous ones putting Wong's foot on the ropes!] TD: Again! What is going on here? I don't understand this at all! SR: And you didn't understand it when Bambi's mother died, either. It's life, Dross. [The match continues, and Peterson finally gets to make the tag to Ramos in all the confusion. Wong, upon seeing the only man in the ring larger than him, quickly tags Oliver. Oliver has no fear and rushes headlong into Ramos... who doesn't budge. Ramos scoops the smaller Oliver up easily and attempts a running powerslam, but Oliver squirms off and lands on his feet. Ramos kicks, but the foot is grabbed into a dragon screw legwhip. Oliver climbs the second rope... moonsault! Connects, but only a count of two. He tags in O'Neal for the double team, who is happy to oblige. Oliver goes for a DDT, but Ramos won't go down... although he does when O' Neil lifts his feet. The ref tries to get Oliver out of the ring... and while his back is turned, Agito throws a chair to O'Neal!] TD: What is this? I'm almost convinced that they are working together now! [O'Neal looks puzzled, but Agito nods quickly in a "Yes, it will work" sorta way. O'Neal stops hesitating, picks up the chair and rams it into Ramos' back... just as the ref turns around. Ding! Ding! Ding!] TD: The ref has disqualified the Machines! Agita had O'Neal convinced! This was a set-up! SR: Set-up my tight tasty ass. It was O'Neal just standing around like a goldfish that caused it. He had plenty of time to mush his skull in. [The Fabulous Ones are by now long gone, and Wong and O'Neal argue all the way back to the dressing room.] TD: So either the Down Boys or Damage Inc. will receive a title shot in the near future! SR: Go, non gay guys! Hetero power! [Steve Roberts shines his laser beam at Peterson. He re-enters the ring for the final match, still slightly exhausted, against the fresh Alex Porteaux. Alex flurries him with punches immediately, and tags in Ramos. They grab Peterson and connect with a brutal double bulldog. Porteaux gets in Adam's face on his hands and knees, taunting him. Ramos picks Adam up as Porteaux leaves, and whips him to the buckle so hard that Adam falls on his face. Ramos bounces off the ropes and drops the leg.] SR: Yes! The non gay guys are kicking bootie with their tootie fruitie! TD: You're starting to sound like Bobby B. Goode. SR: Hit me. Hard. Now. OW! I didn't mean it, Dross! You touch me again and you'll feel the wrath of my Asai moonsault! [Ramos whips Peterson into the ropes, and lifts him into a devastating powerslam. Two count after a lazy lateral press.] TD: Ramos, the most dominant man in the ring right now... [Ramos tags in the Ace. He hoists him on his shoulders, and Porteaux runs and leaps, slamming Petersons throat across the top rope!] TD: Good heavens! I've NEVER seen that before... SR: Me and the Smooth were gonna use that move... [They pick the throat clutching Oliver and whip him yet again into the ropes, he comes back and ducks a double clothesline, and retaliates with a noggin knocker! The ref is trying to get Ramos out of the ring, but he still is lying in pain. Peterson tags Oliver, and and both men climb the top rope. The ref doesn't see the tag however, as Peterson comes off first with a picture perfect legdrop, followed by a moonsault on the prone Porteaux by Oliver!] TD: FLY TO THE ANGELS! FLY TO THE ANGLES! SR: What the hell you talkin' about? TD: Uh... the Fly to the Angels manoeuvre... the ref is refusing to count! [The ref pulls Oliver off! Oliver complains to the ref, who says he's not the legal man! Peterson raises his arms in victory, but is blindsided by Ramos with an out of nowhere powerbomb! Porteaux gets up and nails Peterson with the Flush just as the ref has gotten Oliver out of the ring! Oliver doesn't realize that his partners been attacked until the two count... and is too far away to prevent the three. Ding! Ding! Ding!] SL: Here are your winners... DAMAAAAAAAAAAGE INC! TD: What a match! Let's recap! The Down Boys got the shock factor pin on the High Plains Drifters by playing on the their new attitude, the Machines got disqualified via the interference of the Fabulous Ones, and Damage Inc. gets a clean pin after some manipulation of this IIWF official! Great showings by all four teams! SR: Sure, if you like watching my laser beam! Take that, Two Inch Porteaux! Bzzzzzzzz! [The Down Boys leave the ring, collecting their discarded Marty Warnett t-shirts, and heading up the aisle with Awesome T, all of them feeling more than a little frustrated. Meanwhile, Porteaux and Ramos celebrate in the ring, Porteaux scaling the turnbuckles and Ramos gesturing that he'll soon have a belt around his waist. The crowd reaction now seems more favourable after Damage Inc's impressive display. They finally head out of the ring and up the aisle to the strains of "Reunited" by the Wu Tang Clan. Cut back to the broadcast table at ringside.] ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v v / | __| RING WARS WINNERS VS. LOSERS: |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| Scott Rogers, "The Brat" Bradley Reed, Ike Sampson vs. Ronnie Paris, Derek Mota & Kevin "the Cavalier" Christiansen ....................................................................... WRITER: DH [Sparkplug Lee approaches the microphone, looking oddly confident. Without any notes, he starts:] RA: The following is a special six-man tag-team match between "The Winners" and "The Losers". [Pantera's "Great Southern Trendkill" strikes up.] RA: First, representing The Losers, weighing 224 pounds and hailing from Toronto, Ontario, this is Derek Mota! [Derek Mota comes slowly to ringside, looking like he wants to be anywhere but here.] TD: Derek Mota doesn't look too thrilled about this match, Steve Roberts. SR: That makes two of us, Dross. The night of Tag Team Hell continues. ["Carmina Burana" begins to play.] RA: His first partner, at 265 pounds from London, England, Kevin "The Cavalier" Christiansen! [Christiansen makes his way up the ring to a large face pop. Christiansen bows to the fans while solemnly making his way to the ring.] SR: Now _that_ is a guy who deserves to be on the Loser team. [The music switches to "Simply The Best" by Tina Turner.] RA: And the team's third member, from El Paso, Texas by way of Japan, at 210 pounds, I give you Ronnie Paris! [Paris makes a much less dramatic entrance than he did at Ring Wars, although he is still carrying a Japanese flag.] SR: I don't believe this. I don't frigging believe it. TD: What is that, Steve Roberts? SR: He got all of them right. Without notes. What has gotten into our Sparky? [Sparkplug waves to the amazed crowd, then takes up a dramatic pose, gesturing down the aisle as he starts again:] RA: First for The Winners, from Chicago, Illinois, weighing 230 pounds, we have... umm... "The Enigma" Takezo Musashi? SR: Damn. I knew it was too good to last. TD: No, Steve Roberts, look! That is indeed the Enigma charging down the aisle! [Musashi is dressed just as he was at Ring Wars, complete with red-and-black pentacles. The Enigma reaches ringside, and starts screaming in Japanese at a stunned-looking Ronnie Paris. He starts pacing around the ring, still yelling, and pausing from time to time to throw a chair into the ring. After a few minutes, he is swarmed by members of the Jobber Justice Squad, and is dragged back to the back. Remarkably, even as he disappears, he is still hollering at Paris.] TD: I have no idea what that was about, but Ronnie Paris looks shaken. SR: So does Sparkplug. [Indeed, our beloved ring announcer is now flipping frantically through his cards, trying to figure out where it all went wrong. Finally, he finds the right match. Hopefully.] RA: First for The Winners, from Chicago, Illinois, weighing 230 pounds, along with Stone, we have "The Brat", Bradley Reed! ["Self-Esteem" by Offspring plays. Sparkplug peers down the aisle, obviously hoping that it is really the Brat and Stone coming down the aisle. Luckily for him, it is.] RA: Next, from North Carolina, at 304 pounds, I give you Ike Sampson! [Pop! Sampson heads to ringside to the sounds of Prince's "Kiss", but like Derek Mota, he doesn't look too enthused about the match.] SR: Why is Ike Sampson on a team called the Winners? Because he looked good in Tony Starks' submission hold? [Sparkplug finally looks like he is getting his bearings back, but before he can introduce the match's final participant, he is interrupted by the sight of Moxy Blue sprinting down the aisle. Moxy springs into the ring, hugs Sparky, and takes away his microphone. As Sparkplug sulks, Moxy starts screaming into the microphone:] RMB: Good evening, Quigleys and Gentlemen! I know you came here to see a wonderful night of IIWF action, but now you're gonna get something more. You now have the privilege of seeing the greatest, most versatile heavyweight in the world today. Unfortunatly, Spreads wouldn't let me in on this match, hell, I won at Ring Wars just as much as he did, but... I'm NOT BITTER! 'Cause this man can kick derričre all by himself -- with my guidance of course. The man who's a fine judge of horseflesh, the one... the only... SCOTT... THE FOP... ROGERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRS! [Scott Rogers takes his time getting to the ring, making sure that any attractive female fans at ringside get to see him flex. He is wearing his usual outfit, but has added rather odd-looking knee and elbow pads.] TD: It looks like we are finally ready to get started. Both teams are discussing who is going to start the match - it is going to be very interesting to see what kind of teamwork we see from these mix-and-match teams. [Heel pop!] SR: I think Scott Rogers just decided for both teams! [Indeed, the Fop has just charged across the ring and landed a clothesline to the back of Derek Mota's head. While the clothesline only seemed to land a glancing blow, Mota drops like he was shot. Mota staggers to his feet, only to take a kneelift to the jaw that sends him bouncing off the ropes and onto his face. Scott takes the chance to pose for the crowd.] TD: I think there is something very suspicious about those knee and elbow pads, Steve Roberts! SR: Shut up, Dross! After a fall like that, Mota might be bleeding. That's about the only thing that could make this match worthwhile! RMB: LET'S GO, FOP! LET'S GO, FOP! SR: What the _hell_ was that?? TD: Apparently, Richard Moxy Blue has not given Sparkplug his microphone back. [While Moxy tries unsuccessfully to get the crowd to start chanting for his buddy, Rogers wanders over to where Derek Mota is still trying to clear his head. Rogers flattens Mota with another clothesline, and follows that up with a kneedrop to the forehead.] TD: This has been all Scott Rogers thus far, and all with moves using those new knee and elbow pads! Derek Mota is on Dream Street already! [Rogers covers Mota, but pulls him up by the hair at the count of two. He drags Mota over to his corner, and tags in Bradley Reed. Reed steps through the ropes, and takes possession of the woozy Mota, setting him in position for a DDT. But before he can deliver The End, Mota uses his last bits of strength to lift him into the air for his trademark Northern Lights suplex. Reed is more startled than hurt, but Mota takes the chance to stagger across the ring and fall into his corner, where Ronnie Paris slaps his shoulder.] TD: Derek Mota showing the endurance that has made him one of the brightest young stars in the IIWF! And now we have a matchup of two more of those stars! [Reed and Paris lock at mid-ring, with Paris quickly cinching in a headlock. The Brat backs into the ropes, then fires the Texan across the ring. Reed charges, but Paris comes back with a shoulderblock that flattens the taller man. As Reed gets to his knees, Paris tries to grab his arms to set up the Paris-Plex, but the Brat twists away into a stepover armbar. But before he can wrap it into the La Magistral rollup, Paris rolls away. The pair get to their feet and give a slight nod of respect. Impressed Pop!] TD: An amazing show of skills by two of the top cruiserweights in the world, and an interesting contrasts in styles, with Ronnie Paris' traditional mat skills against Bradley Reed's Lucha Libre moves. SR: Are we going to have blood soon? [Again, Reed and Paris lock up, but this time it is Reed that is sent flying across the ring. He ducks under Ronnie's clothesline, bounces off the back ropes, and delivers a twisting leg lariat that sends Paris sprawling. The Brat pulls him to his feet, but sends him crashing back to the mat with a DDT! As Paris staggers up, Reed leaps and bounces off the top rope for a hurricarana.] TD: Caught! Paris caught Reed in mid-air, and drove him through the mat with a vicious powerbomb! SR: And he's not done yet! [Paris lifts Reed into position for another powerbomb, but the Brat flails his arm, using his height to unbalance the shorter Texan. Incredibly, Reed manages to slide down Ronnie's back, turning the powerbomb into a sunset flip. Unfortunately for him, the move leaves both wrestlers tangled in the ring ropes, making a count impossible.] TD: These two are putting on a fantastic show, Steve Roberts! You can see what kind of momentum the IIWF has coming out of Ring Wars! SR: I miss Snow White. [The pair locks back up, with Paris twisting into an armbar. The Brat, though, rolls into a front somersault that lets him reverse the armbar. He then goes for a shortarm clothesline, but Paris ducks under it, locks his hands around Reed's waist, and pulls him over into a crushing German suplex. Instead of bridging for the pin, Paris stands up, hands still locked, and delivers another German suplex. Again, he decides against the pin attempt, and goes for a third suplex. This time, he lets go of Reed halfway through, causing the Brat to go sailing across the ring and land on his head. Pop!] TD: A devastating series of suplexes by Ronnie Paris, and the Brat is in big trouble! But Ronnie still isn't ready to make the cover! He's heading for his corner, where a fresh Kevin Christiansen is dying to tag into this match. [Paris walks toward the Cavalier, but simply ignores his outstretched hand and reaches toward Mota for a tag.] TD: No! Derek Mota turns his back on Ronnie Paris! Paris doesn't want to tag out to Kevin Christiansen, and Derek Mota is refusing to tag Paris! SR: I don't blame Derek Mota a bit. This is a former Cruiserweight champion, and I'm sure he is insulted by being placed on a Losers team with two nitwits like Ronnie Paris and Shawn Kemp. But you are right, Dross. I haven't seen teamwork this bad since the last time Icehawk and Tragedy argued over who was going to be on top. TD: Thank you, Steve Roberts. [While Paris is glaring at Mota, Christiansen finally reaches over and slaps his arm, tagging himself into the match. In the meantime, Bradley Reed has managed to drag himself over to the Winners corner and tag in Scott Rogers.] RMB: OH YEAH, RIGHTEOUS!! NOW ENTERING THE RING AGAIN: SCOTT THE FOP ROGERS!! TD: Will someone _please_ take the ring microphone away from that nitwit? [The Cavalier and the Fop meet in the center of the ring and immediately start trading punches. Both men are staggered, but keep firing away until Christiansen begins to gain the advantage. After several unanswered punches land on his head, Rogers staggers back into the ropes. Instantly, Christiansen fires him across the ring and off the opposing ropes.] TD: Powerslam! The Cavalier might have Scott Rogers here! No, he's going up the ropes -- he's going to go for his patented second-rope clothesline. SR: Oooooh, Shawn Kemp thinks he got ups. [Christiansen waits on the second rope as Rogers struggles just to stand up. He finally makes it to his feet, and wobbles toward the corner as Christiansen launches himself  ...] TD: Three-sixty Powerslam! Scott Rogers was playing possum, and he was able to turn the Cavalier's momentum against him with a massive powerslam! [Rogers decides against the cover, and looks for a tag. Ike Sampson just shakes his head at the Fop, but Bradley Reed is thrilled to get right back into the game. He makes the tag, and immediately jumps to the top rope for a perfectly-executed springboard moonsault: 1 -- 2...] TD: Save by Ronnie Paris! And that brings Scott Rogers back into the ring to attack Paris! Oh my! A huge clothesline by Rogers just sent Paris flying over the top rope! Steve Roberts, I'm telling you those elbow pads contain a foreign object! SR: Dross, Rogers is one of the Culture Club refugees. To him, talent is a foreign object. [Rogers charges Derek Mota in the opponent's corner, knocking him off the apron, and they start pounding away at each other on the floor. In the meantime, Reed picks up a still-stunned Kevin Christiansen. And while the referee is watching all of that...] SR: Look at Stone! [The Brat's hulking bodyguard has taken advantage of the confusion to come up behind a dazed Ronnie Paris with a steel chair. He taps Paris on the shoulder with it, and when the Texan turns around, Stone brings the chair down on his head. Paris crumples into a heap on the floor.] SR: Overhead smash! [terrible English accent] Fifteen-love, Mr. Stone. TD: This is terrible! Ronnie Paris is out cold, and Derek Mota is fighting with Scott Rogers on the floor... Look out! [With the referee trying to figure out what has happened to Ronnie Paris, Moxy has snuck up behind Derek Mota and smashed him over the head with the ring microphone. Mota sags a bit, but keeps fighting with Rogers as Moxy discards the now-useless mic.] TD: This is terrible! SR: Dross, you just said that. TD: Well, but it is! This match is now a 5-on-3! Kevin Christiansen doesn't have a chance! SR: But look at the bright side. TD: What's that, Steve Roberts? SR: We don't have to listen to Moxy scream into that damn microphone any more. TD: Good point. [Meanwhile, back in the ring... Reed fires Christiansen into the ropes, where he slams into Sampson, who is still watching Rogers and Mota fight on the floor. Sampson falls off the apron, while Christiansen staggers right into a...] TD: Superkick! Superkick! Kevin Christiansen has been laid out by Bradley Reed's lethal superkick! SR: Aww, Shawn Kemp ain't got no more ups. TD: And there is no one to save him. Derek Mota is fighting with Scott Rogers on the floor, and Ronnie Paris was knocked out earlier by a chairshot from Stone. [Reed starts slowly dragging the much-heavier Cavalier toward the corner.] TD: Reed is trying to set up Christiansen for the Attitude Adjustment, but he's having trouble. Christiansen weighs 265 pounds, and right now that's dead weight. [Sampson groggily climbs into the ring, and heads to the corner to help his partner.] TD: Sampson hasnt been too involved in this match, but now it looks like he is ready to help the Brat end it. But why would he want to hurt Kevin Christiansen, the man who saved him from Tony Starks at Ring Wars? SR: Apparently, Ike thought he didn't need any help, and didn't like the Cadaver butting in between he and his homey. [Sampson does indeed hold up Christiansen so that the Brat can climb the ropes, cinch in a cobra clutch, and spring forward, driving the Cavalier's head into the mat.] TD: That's it! Ike Sampson is helping his partner up, but all they need now is a cover, because Kevin Christiansen is out! ... My God! Sampson just leveled Bradley Reed! SR: No! No! TD: Deep Freeze! Ike Sampson has just wiped out his own partner with his double-underhook piledriver! And he's leaving the ring! [Sampson climbs through the ropes, drops off the apron... and comes face-to-face with the massive Stone. While the big men stare holes through each other, Christiansen and Reed are slowly getting to their feet.] TD: The Cavalier is up first, and he's made it to the second rope... he's waiting for Reed to stand up. SR: He went for this stupid second-rope clothesline once already, and Scott Rogers turned him into a pancake. C'mon Brat! TD: But Rogers was playing possum, and I don't think Reed is... yes! He hit it! The cover -- we have one! Two! Three! It's over! RA: [screaming at the top of his lungs] THE WINNERS OF THE MATCH - THE TEAM OF DEREK MOTA, KEVIN CHRISTIANSEN AND RONNIE PARIS! [With the announcement, Stone breaks off his staredown with Sampson to aid the Brat, who is now having a temper tantrum in the ring. Sampson and Rogers both head back to the locker room, as does a groggy Ronnie Paris, while Derek Mota climbs into the ring to congratulate Christiansen. Before he gets there, though...] TD: Oh my! Moxy just flattened Derek Mota with a top-rope lariat! And now that crazy loon is on top of the former cruiserweight champion, flailing away at him with kicks and punches. [Kevin Christiansen finally pulls Moxy off Mota and flings him through the ropes. Moxy stays at ringside for a bit, babbling at the Canadian star, but finally returns to the back, giggling wildly. In the meantime, Stone is dragging away the Brat, who is still screaming at the referee and several ringside spectators.] TD: What a bizarre match, Steve Roberts. The Losers seemed to have everything going for them, as they got help from the Enigma, the massive Stone, and Richard "Moxy" Blue, but in the end, Ike Sampson turned on his own partner and cost his team the match. SR: And do I look like I care, Dross? Huh? Do I? [Cut back to the broadcast table at ringside.] TD: Please, Steve Roberts, let's just calm down a little. SR: Calm down a little?! Dross, next time you get screwed by your bestest buddy in all the world, by the administration of the IIWF, by Snow White -- well, actually, that last bit wasn't so bad -- you try calming down! TD: All this because you have to read a little light poetry to a Chris Quigley cut-out? SR: Aw, now you're tryin' to humiliate me, Dross buddy. Come on, what's a little poetry between friends, huh? TD: A bet's a bet, Steve Roberts. Well, will you just take a listen to the fans here tonight -- we're back in the Coliseum once again, and the reception is incredible! SR: And do you know why? TD: Because it's our home town crowd? SR: Nope. TD: Because we've just come off one of the most exciting pay-per-views in IIWF history? SR: Not even that. TD: Then tell me Steve -- what has got these fans worked up to this deafening extent? SR: The Soundbite is _in_ the building. TD: Why didn't I guess? Well, it looks like we're just about ready for our next contest, and what a match up it could well be, as we see the Returnees from Ring Wars IV... SR: The dead man, Musushi and the _only_ real man in the house tonight... other than myself, that is... TD: We see them take on the combination of the newcomers Christopher Stonebreaker... SR: Musclehead backwater Cajun farmer's son... TD: Charles Scheffield... SR: Poseur... TD: And a mystery partner, in six man tag team competition. Steve, do you have any idea who the mystery partner is? SR: What are you asking me for? TD: Because you usually have a word or two on such matters... SR: Hell no, Dross -- for once I couldn't give a damn. I'm just looking forward to the biggest mass Skullpumping in the history of the world. One... two... three! These new kids are in for a real wake up call tonight, baby dolls, courtesy of my man the Fury. [The fans behind the broadcast table break into a "Skull-pump! Skull - pump!" chant, the noise quickly spreading around the arena with a roar...] TD: Well, Steve, you may just get your wish. Let's go down to ringside for the official word. ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v v / | __| RETURNEES vs. NEWCOMERS: |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| Steve "the Fury" Kowalski, "Enigma" Takezo Musashi & Deathbringer vs. Christopher Stonebreaker, Charles Scheffield & MYSTERY PARTNER ....................................................................... WRITER: MP [The scene cuts across to the ring, where Sparkplug Lee gamely raises his microphone and tries to be heard above the roar of chants from the fans in the arena....] RA: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, with a fifteen minute time limit, and is a special six man tag team challenge match up! [A deafening, bloodthirsty pop from the crowd, which slowly settles down as they wait to hear the name of the first wrestler] ...Introducing first, for the Returnees... weighing in at 210lbs and hailing from Kobi, Japan... here is... "THE ENIGMA" TAKEZO MUSASHI! [The crowd explodes with into an instant pop as a series of blue and white spotlights trace a path down the aisle, and the Enigma steps out from the curtain, arms raised high in the air to the strains of 'Stellar Regions' by John Coltrane. The Enigma, face painted with silver and blue stars, walks rapidly down the aisle, slapping the outstretched arms of the fans...] TD: The "Enigma" Takezo Musashi, Steve, one of the finest aerial athletes we've seen in the federation. What a great feeling it is to have him back... SR: Nuts. Two words, Dross: Skull. Pump. [The Enigma leaps to the ring apron and then to the top rope, arms raised in the air, before somersaulting into the ring as fireworks go off from each corner of the ring... huge crowd pop!] RA: And now, for the Newcomers... [The crowds cheers drop off again, waiting for their first glimpse of the new athlete...] ...weighing in at 231lbs and hailing from Lordship, Connecticut... here is... CHARLES SCHEFFIELD! [The crowd breaks out into a fair sized pop as 'Fur Elise' by Beethoven starts up over the PA system, and Charles Scheffield walks out into the aisle, looking around the arena and breathing in deeply... He smiles and greets the fans around him warmly, before walking down the aisle towards the ring with a focused expression, occasionally slapping hands with the fans with a smile and a comment...] SR: Look at this guy. What does he think he is, royalty? [Steve's voice takes on a mocking tone] "Yes, dear sir, how very nice to meet you..." They're _morons_ dammit! Treat them like it! Skullpump! [The crowd behind the broadcast booth breaks into the familiar "Shoot, Soundbite, Shoot!" chant as Scheffield climbs onto the ring apron and steps between the ropes, offering a hand across to the Enigma, who accepts it quickly, before each retreats back to their corners...] RA: Introducing next, for the Returnees... [The crowd pops loudly as "Scythe, Rage, and Rose" replaces "Fur Elise" over the PA system...] ...weighing in at 324lbs and hailing from The Dark Side... please welcome back.... THE DEATHBRINGER! [The pop increases tenfold as the lights dim and dry ice starts to curl around the entrance to the aisle, and slowly the cowled form of Deathbringer emerges to a multitude of camera flashes, slowly walking down the aisle, his ever present scythe draped over his shoulder...] TD: And look at this, Steve Roberts... how intimidating must this be for the competition in the IIWF... the Reaper is truly back. SR: One word, baby dolls... One word. TD: Awesome? SR: Nah... Skullpump! [Deathbringer slowly climbs up onto the ring apron and then steps into the ring _over_ the top rope, throwing his cowl back to reveal his masked face, and his piercing red eyes... Scheffield thinks better of offering a handshake to the behemoth, watching him quietly from his corner...] RA: And next... for the Newcomers... [The crowd pops again as the lights once again return to normal, and all eyes turn to the entrance to the aisle...] ...weighing in at 265lbs and hailing from Lafayette, Louisiana... please welcome... CHRISTOPHER STONEBREAKER!!! [The crowd pops as "A Country Boy Can Survive" by Hank Williams Jnr starts up over the PA system, and the spotlights shine down onto the aisle... and Christopher Stonebreaker makes his first appearance in a IIWF arena! Stonebreaker, dressed in full length black wrestling tights with a sledgehammer design down the side, steps out into the aisle, placing his hands on his hips and slowly turning around, soaking up the ever-increasing pop from the crowd with a smile, before throwing his fists up into the air above his head, and walking quickly down the aisle, slapping each fan's hand as it is held out to him...] TD: And look at the intensity on Stonebreaker's face! He is really loving every moment of his being here tonight! SR: Yeah... and look at the fans lapping his attention up. Morons. We know who you're waiting for, people... [Stonebreaker circles the ring, high fiving the popping fans before climbing up onto the ring apron next to Scheffield, shaking his hand, and sharing a high-five, and the two glance across at the Enigma and the imposing form of Deathbringer, and quickly begin to talk, each apparently asking the other who their partner is to be...] RA: And now... for the Returners... [The roof of the Coliseum is almost lifted off by the instant, deafening, bloodthirsty roar from the crowd...] SR: Hell yeah, Dross, here we go... this is where it all goes to hell... RA: ...weighing in at 268lbs... [A deafeningly loud roar issues from the Furies present in the crowd...] ...hailing from Newark, New Jersey... [The roar is repeated even louder, the arena buzzing with expectation...] ...back once again in the IIWF... here is... STEVE "THE FURY" KOWALSKI! [To a man, the crowd is on its feet, the deafening chant of "SKULL-PUMP!" reverberating around the arena... the spotlights focus in on the entrance to the aisle as "Don't Fear The Reaper" by the Blue Oyster Cult starts up over the PA system...] SR: And there's the man, right there! He's back, Dross -- he is back! We're gonna have some fun tonight! [Steve "The Fury" Kowalski steps out into the aisle, hands on hips, looking around the crowd with a broad smirk... slowly, he turns to point at the ring as the chants of "SKULL-PUMP" reach the point where they almost become full-blooded screams, and he turns quickly, stomping his way down the aisle, brushing his hair back and slowly stripping the faded denim jacket from his shoulders...] SR: Oh man, Dross... let's get this thing on... I want blood... TD: We've still got one more athlete to introduce, Steve... any ideas? SR: I don't care any more, Dross... I don't care. That's _the_ man, right there. [Kowalski climbs into the ring, smirking at the four other athletes before leaping to the second turnbuckle and throwing his hands in the air, shouting out words that are lost in the noise from the crowd...] RA: And now, the final competitor in this match... [Sparkplug Lee pauses while the noise from the crowd slowly starts to die down, and the majority of the fans switch their attention from Kowalski, to wondering who the mystery competitor is... only the sizeable contingent of Furies continues to shout and cheer, the "SKULL-PUMP!" chant clearly heard...] RA: ...completing the team of the Newcomers... weighing in at 274lbs... hailing from Emeryville, California... [The crowd pops in confusion as an engine is heard revving in the aisle, accompanied by a warning alarm as something slowly starts to reverse through the curtains...] TD: What in the world..? SR: Oh man... I got a good feeling, Dross... [The crowd starts to pop wildly] RA: ....here is... THE MEATMAN!!! [The roars from the crowd start to fill the arena as a large white truck with the words "Meat Truck" written on the side reverses through the curtains and into the aisle... the doors slowly swing open, and a camera pans inside... panning past and through hanging joints and racks of meat... to reveal a huge man with massive arms and a protuberant abdominal region lumbering out towards the camera, dressed in a bloody butchers apron over wrestling tights and carrying...] TD: What... on Earth... is that? SR: Oh man... I love this guy already... [The Meatman drops out of the back of the truck, raising what appears to be a large rack of lamb over his head and letting out a feral roar, shaking it in the air, inciting a massive pop from the crowd... which increases again as he races down towards the ring!] TD: What in the world...?! LOOK OUT! [The Meatman rolls in the ring, charging across and nailing the Enigma with the rack of lamb, sending him flying off the ring apron and to the arena floor! Huge pop from the crowd! In quick succession, the Meatman flies at Deathbringer, nailing him in the face with the slab of meat so hard the big man is knocked tumbling over the top rope and to the arena floor, where he is quickly followed by a stunned Steve Kowalski, who is given the same treatment! Meatman runs towards his corner, and his partners dive off the ring apron as he leaps to the second turnbuckle, raising the rack of lamb and pumping it in the air with a wild yell as the crowd starts to chant "Meat... Meat... Meat!"...] TD: Good grief. SR: I love it. Dross, the bookers have really done it this time. Hell yeah, I'm almost gonna enjoy my job... [The Meatman drops back into the ring as his partners slowly climb back onto the ring apron, and he turns, to be met by a vicious lariat from an infuriated Steve Kowalski, who starts hammering him on the canvas with a series of hard lefts and rights...] TD: Oh my! Look at Kowalski wail away at the Meatman here! He is _not_ happy with that little stunt at all! SR: And we have got ourselves a match! [Kowalski drags Meatman back to his feet by his shock of hair, and proceeds to yell at him angrily, backing him into the ropes before Irish whipping him cross ring... Kowalski goes for a clothesline...] TD: Ducked by the Meatman!! Kowalski turns... [Huge crowd pop!] TD: Meatman nailed him!! What a roundhouse shot!! Here comes the Enigma!! And he's sent down as well! SR: Deathbringer's in the ring!! TD: Big roundhouse punch from Meatman... Deathbringer takes it! Stonebreaker and Scheffield are in now and we've got a six way going already! Incredible! [Stonebreaker charges the Enigma, backing him into a corner with a series of jabs and then a simply wicked right hand uppercut that almost sends the Enigma over the turnbuckles! Pop from the crowd! Scheffield pulls Kowalski up to his feet, only to receive an eye watering low blow for his efforts, and then a headbutt which has him backed towards the ropes...Meatman and Deathbringer slug away at each other, neither one backing down... the referee looks around helplessly...] TD: This is chaos, Steve! The referee's lost all control! SR: He never had any in the first place! Ain't it great? [Stonebreaker sets the Enigma up for an Irish whip as Scheffield staggers back into the ring after a series of kicks to the abdomen from Kowalski... the Enigma reverses, sending Stonebreaker hurtling towards Charles Scheffield...] TD: No! Scheffield ducks! Stonebreaker vaults him... and he hits Kowalski with a cross body that sends both men flying out of the ring!! Incredible teamwork from the newcomers! SR: Desperation stuff, more like... [The Enigma charges the still dazed Scheffield, hitting him with a clothesline that sends him falling back through the ropes... Meatman takes the advantage over Deathbringer with a kick to the midsection, before grabbing him by the hair and charging him, sending the Reaper flying out over the top rope to a pop from the crowd... Meatman turns, raising his arms...] TD: And straight into a thrust kick from the Enigma, and now Meatman's out of the ring as well! And listen to this capacity crowd... [Kowalski rolls back into the ring, to be restrained by a brave but frustrated referee, who forces him back into his corner, and the Newcomer's team slowly regroups as the Enigma waits in a crouch for an opponent to enter the ring...] TD: Finally, it seems as though we'll have some sort of order here... and it looks as though Charles Scheffield is volunteering to face off with the Enigma... SR: Oh, what a gentleman... I wonder if he'd do the same if it was Kowalski or Deathbringer in there... TD: Maybe, maybe not, but the Enigma's certainly an athlete to be feared in his own right... SR: Yeah... [Steve snickers] he's got that cat like agility. And that's not the only thing cat-like about him either... I've heard he's got terrible fish breath. TD: Steve! [The referee watches carefully as Kowalski slowly steps out between the ropes to join Deathbringer, and Scheffield rolls back into the ring, his partners climbing back up onto the ring apron. Scheffield offers a lock up to the Enigma, who accepts...] TD: And Scheffield with a fast switch into a waistlock... the Enigma.. snap mare.. no, just couldn't reach him... twists his arm around, reversing it into a hammerlock... Scheffield reversing with an armwringer... quick tag to Christopher Stonebreaker... who climbs to the top, coming down with an axehandle across the Enigma's shoulder! [The Enigma takes the blow solidly, dropping to one knee as Scheffield passes the hold to Stonebreaker, who slowly winches on the pressure, before yanking on the arm hard, tearing at the muscle... The Enigma's face contorts in pain, and he slowly fights his way back to his feet, only to be took over by a quick fireman's carry, which is quickly followed by a series of legdrops across his outstretched arm... and the crowd suddenly erupts in a loud heel pop!] TD: Oh no... we've already seen what a volatile situation we have here... this is exactly what we don't need... SR: Couldn't have said it better myself... [The crowd erupts in anger as a smiling Ronnie Paris slowly strolls down the aisle, a sheaf of papers under one arm... he stops about halfway down, shaking his head with a smile as he sees the Enigma took over with another fireman's carry, and picks up a chair...] TD: Oh no, come on Ronnie -- we don't need this! SR: Calm down, Dross, he's just sitting down. [Paris indeed simply sits out at the entrance to the aisle, taking a disinterested look on his face and sorting through the papers on his lap... back in the ring, Stonebreaker offers the tag back to Scheffield, who reenters the ring, twisting the Enigma's arm around again, before locking his arms around his waist...] TD: Side suplex coming up by Charles Scheffield.... no! The Enigma flips out of it. landing on his feet behind Scheffield! He locks him in a waistlock... [The crowd gasps in astonishment as the Enigma lifts Scheffield up over his shoulder in a high back suplex, keeping on his feet as Scheffield starts to tilt back... and then dropping him right onto the back of his head!] TD: Backdriver suplex by the Enigma! What a move! SR: That almost planted Charlie boy into the canvas! [The crowd pops as the Enigma rolls to his feet and Scheffield clutches at the back of his head in agony... the Enigma drops a series of fast elbowdrops across the small of Scheffield's back, before dragging him across to the corner...] TD: What the... the Enigma, working quickly now... stepover toehold... he's sliding under the ropes... OH NO!! The Enigma's just locked an STF on around the ringpost! [He crowd roars out in confusion as a wild gleam appears in the Enigma's eye, and he pulls the hold on tighter, stretching Scheffield around the ringpost... The referee slides out of the ring, warning Musashi to break the hold, but the Enigma holds on, his eyes blazing...] TD: The Enigma's risking disqualification here... that hold is highly illegal... SR: Look out, Dross... here comes the Fury! TD: And Kowalski practically tears the Enigma off Scheffield! [The Enigma spins around, fist raised, and Kowalski, angry enough as it is, goads him on... but the vicious light fades from the Enigma's eyes as suddenly as it arrived, and he nods slightly, rolling back into the ring... the referee follows him in, and the Enigma pulls Scheffield to his feet... knife edge.... uppercut... Scheffield backs into the ropes... the Enigma Irish whips him across the ring... lowers his head...] TD: Small package by Scheffield out of nowhere! The referee slides into position... One... two... kickout by the Enigma! Both men roll to their feet... and a leg lariat from the Enigma sends Scheffield right back down! But... wait a second, why's the Enigma not following up? [The Enigma simply stares out into the aisle, and the camera pans around as the crowd gives a loud heel pop... focusing in on Ronnie Paris, who is holding a poster up in the air with a faint look of boredom...] SR: "What have you done for me lately?" Oh... please.... [The Enigma slowly turns back, tagging in Steve Kowalski, who glares at him, before diving across to prevent Scheffield from making the tag at the last second...] SR: Here we go, Dross... Skullpump time... [Kowalski pulls Scheffield to his feet with a sidelong grin, and Irish whips him hard into a neutral corner with immense force! Pop! Scheffield staggers back out, and Kowalski backs him back in with a headbutt.. then a kick to the midsection.. he grabs Scheffield's hair...] TD: Running bulldog by the Fury, and the cover... One... two... kickout by Scheffield! And look at Stonebreaker! He's looking concerned here... and I'm not surprised, Scheffield's absorbing a lot of punishment in there... [Kowalski pulls Scheffield to his feet, and backs him into the ropes... Irish whip cross ring... and he hoists Scheffield high into the air with a big elevation back body drop! Pop! Scheffield clutches his back in back, still suffering from the excruciating effects of the STF, and tries to roll for his corner...] TD: And an elbowdrop to the lower back from Kowalski! And a second! Cover -- one, two... no! Kickout again by Scheffield! What guts! [Kowalski pulls Scheffield to his feet again, and whips him into the ropes once more...] TD: Another back body drop by Kowalski... no! Kneelift by Scheffield! Kowalski's staggered! And an uppercut... Kowalski rocks... and Scheffield with the scoop and the body slam!! [Huge crowd pop! Stonebreaker and Meatman spring to life, arms outstretched, urging Scheffield on and stamping on the mat... Kowalski rolls across to his corner, tagging out to the first hand he meets...] SR: Deathbringer's in there! But what's he doing?! Why's he taking so long? [Deathbringer slowly steps through the ropes and stalks towards the stricken Scheffield, who reaches up, dives forward, and makes the tag out... to Christopher Stonebreaker!! Huge crowd pop!! Stonebreaker vaults into the ring, charging across and rocking Deathbringer with a big clothesline! Stonebreaker comes off the opposite ropes as Deathbringer straightens up, and hits him with a second that staggers the huge man into the ropes! Pop!] TD: Stonebreaker with an Irish whip... Deathbringer comes back... [Deafening pop from the crowd!!] TD: Powerslam!! Stonebreaker just caught Deathbringer in a powerslam!! Incredible!! [Stonebreaker covers, hooking Deathbringer's leg... One... two... Deathbringer kicks out, just as Kowalski dives in there like a shot to make absolutely certain there's no pin! Stonebreaker climbs back to his feet, spinning around and backing Kowalski into his corner with a series of left jab punches, and then a huge roundhouse right that sends the Fury reeling! The Enigma leaps into the ring, and Stonebreaker ducks under his clothesline attempt, and the Enigma continues his run, rebounding across the ring and leaping up, flying at Stonebreaker with a cross body block...] TD: Another powerslam by Stonebreaker! And another cover! But The Enigma's not the legal man! [The crowd shouts a warning, just as Kowalski drops a hard elbowdrop across Stonebreaker's neck! Disappointed crowd pop! Scheffield and Meatman try to come in to help, but the referee stops them dead, forcing them back outside... and the crowd pops as the Enigma rolls out, and Stonebreaker climbs back to his feet, trading a series of blows with Kowalski, who ducks back between the ropes... Stonebreaker turns... and Deathbringer hoists him up, before dropping him down to the canvas with a chokeslam! Pop! Kowalski climbs completely out of the ring with a grin...] TD: This is verging on chaos here, Steve... I think Stonebreaker may have been a little too anxious to make an impression, taking on all three men like that... SR: Maybe, but Kowalski's working his team up a treat! See how he suckered those two newbies into the ring, so he could get a few shots in on Stonebreaker? Sweet, baby dolls, I tell ya... [The crowd around ringside breaks into a heel pop again, and the athletes look around, too see Ronnie Paris holding up a sign reading "Doesn't seniority count for anything anymore?", drawing a look of anger from The Enigma and a shake of the head from Charles Scheffield, as Deathbringer backs Stonebreaker into the ropes, and Irish whips him across the ring... ] TD: Scythe clothesline by Deathbringer!! The cover... One... two... kickout by Stonebreaker! [Deathbringer rolls to his knees again, slowly pulling Stonebreaker back to his feet... Kowalski stretches his arm out, asking for the tag, but Deathbringer turns, drawing a thumb across his throat, hoisting Stonebreaker up and placing him on the top turnbuckle... the crowd pops, some in enthusiasm, others in fear...] TD: Uh-oh... we know what's going to happen here... SR: The Cajun Kid's about to be Buried, that's what... [Deathbringer climbs to the top rope after Stonebreaker, lifting him into position for a piledriver. Stonebreaker, realising his predicament, kicks out... Deathbringer's hold loosens -- and Stonebreaker backdrops him off the top rope! Camera flashes go off around the arena, as the crowd cheers wildly...] TD: Both men now, trying to make the tag... [Deathbringer staggers back up to his feet as Stonebreaker slowly rolls towards his corner, chest heaving... Deathbringer reaches forward, and tags in Kowalski, who climbs through the ropes and dives across the ring, cutting Stonebreaker just short of making the tag with an elbowdrop to the back! Disappointed pop!] TD: So close there for Stonebreaker, so close... SR: And so far. Kowalski's been spoiling for a piece of the kid ever since that slugfest a few minutes back... [Kowalski hits Stonebreaker hard, pulling him up and backing him into the corner with a series of fast European uppercuts, before grabbing two handfuls of hair and throwing Stonebreaker over his hip and into the centre of the ring... Stonebreaker folds up in pain, and Kowalski drags him back down, making the cover... 1 - 2 - kickout by Stonebreaker! Scheffield and Meatman both look on anxiously, trying to rally the crowd behind their partner...] TD: Kowalski now, pulling Stonebreaker back to his feet... Irish whip... here comes a big lariat... no! Stonebreaker ducked it! [Stonebreaker comes off the opposite ropes at the same time as Kowalski, and drops his head...] TD: Stonebreaker with a backdrop... no! It's Kowalski who pulls up short! SR: Oh yes, Dross, here it comes... TD: There's the double underhook! [The crowd roars, as Kowalski locks Stonebreaker into position....] SR: SKULLPUMP! Yes! He is out! [Kowalski rolls the prone Stonebreaker over, pinning his shoulders down... the referee slides into position... One...] TD: Two! SR: Three! TD: No! SR: What the hell? TD: Meatman with the save! Meatman made the save, and look at Kowalski glare at him! [Kowalski slowly sits back on his haunches, wagging his finger at Meatman with a shake of his head as the referee tries to get him out of the ring, and he covers Stonebreaker again, hooking the leg... the referee turns away from Meatman, sliding back to make the count.. - 1 - 2 - kickout! Pop! Kowalski snarls, and starts to pull Stonebreaker back up again...] TD: Elbow to the gut from Stonebreaker! And another! And a third... Kowalski's staggered! Stonebreaker straightens up and takes a step back, sizing Kowalski up... boom! What a right hand!! Kowalski's down!! [Kowalski falls back, shaking his head and rubbing his jaw as Stonebreaker slumps back to his knees... Kowalski rolls over, tagging out to the Enigma, who vaults into the ring and sprints across just as Stonebreaker falls forward...] SR: Meatman! Whoo-hoo, Stonebreaker tagged in Meatman!! Now we've got some action, Dross... [The Enigma quickly backs Meatman back into the ropes with a series of hard reverse knife edge chops, only to have his positioned switched as Meatman spins him around and against the ropes, swinging a series of hard closed fists into him as the crowd chants out... "Meat! Meat! Meat!" Meatman whips the Enigma into the ropes, and comes back with a huge flying shoulderblock that sends the Enigma sprawling! Pop! In comes Kowalski again, and the Meatman floors him with a lariat, before charging across and knocking Deathbringer off the ring apron with a huge clothesline that sends the big man down to the arena floor! The Enigma climbs to his feet, and is promptly sent to the outside by another huge lariat... and he gets back up, fire in his eyes as he notices Ronnie Paris, sat halfway down the aisle holding a poster which reads...] TD: "Musashi fears Paris?" Oh man, we're gonna have some trouble here... [The Enigma climbs to his feet, deliberately walking down the aisle towards the waiting Paris as inside the ring, the referee turns around in circles, under pressure... Kowalski climbs back to his feet, and Stonebreaker and Scheffield climbs into the ring to help Meatman out as Deathbringer rolls into the ring... Stonebreaker and Scheffield start to wail away on Deathbringer, backing him into the ropes, and the referee tires to pull them away as the crowd around ringside erupts...] SR: Paris and Musashi are going at it outside! TD: Kowalski and Meatman are going at it inside! Deathbringer... Deathbringer's just been double clotheslined! We've got chaos here, folks! SR: Look out! [Once again, the crowd is on it's collective feet as a large familiar figure streaks down to ringside, snatching up Ronnie Paris' fallen chair as he does so...] TD: The referee's caught up with Stonebreaker and Scheffield! Kowalski's been Irish-whipped into the ropes... SR: Look out! TD: Big boot to the face by the Meatman... and Kowalski staggers back to his corner, looking for the tag... SR: He's not even the legal man! The Enigma's the legal man!! [Kowalski reaches out for the tag... and there's a loud crash as the figure leaps up onto the ring apron, nailing Kowalski around the head with the chair! Huge mixed crowd pop!] TD: Brody Thunder! The World Champion just nailed Kowalski with that steel chair! [Kowalski falls back dazed, and is spun around by the Meatman, who swings back, connecting with a huge roundhouse punch that can be heard around the arena!! Kowalski drops onto his back on the canvas, and Meatman covers, hooking the leg as tight as he can...] SR: Meat Hook! The Meatman just caught Kowalski with the Meat Hook! I don't believe it!! [The referee turns from the brawling trio in the corner, turns to see the pin...] TD: The referee slides into position... One! [Stonebreaker and Scheffield line Deathbringer up, sending him out over the top with a huge clothesline as the referee's hand hits the canvas a second time...] TD: Three! He got him! SR: I don't believe it!! What the hell's the referee, nuts? Kowalski isn't even the legal man! [The referee stands and signals for the bell, and Stonebreaker and Scheffield rush across as Meatman stands, raising his arms in the air...] RA: Here are your winners... CHARLES SCHEFFIELD, CHRISTOPHER STONEBREAKER and... THE MEATMAN! [Huge pop from the crowd as Kowalski rolls out of the ring, clutching his head, and the triumphant trio raise each other's arms to the crowd...] TD: We've got all sorts of scenes going on down here. What an incredible match... Brody Thunder with that chairshot, The Enigma and Ronnie Paris _still_ brawling in the aisle... SR: And three punks with the luckiest victory they'll ever have in their lives! [Security and the Jobber Justice Squad descend on the disturbance to break it up as quickly as possible, cameras flashing all over the arena as the Meatman, Scheffield and Stonebreaker celebrate in the ring, chants of "Meat! Meat! Meat!" conflicting with chants of "Skull-pump! Skull-pump!" Eventually, everybody is forced away from ringside, and Tim Dross leaves the broadcast position, grabs a microphone, and makes his way into the ring.] TD: Good evening, Portland! [Huge pop from the worked up crowd!] TD: It's great to be back here with the Double Eye in front of the greatest fans in the world! [Another huge pop!] TD: Ladies and gentlemen... my guest at this time is the man who scored a narrow victory over long-time rival Ronnie Paris in an incredible three falls match three weeks ago at Ring Wars IV. He is Oregon's favourite son... he is... "SPOTLIGHT" BILLY SHAKESPEARE! [Huge pop as "Little Willie" by the Sweet kicks in over the PA, and two huge fireworks erupt at the head of the aisle as the lights in the arena drop. When the showers of white sparks dissipate, a single white spotlight is shining down on the head of the aisle, into which steps Billy Shakespeare, who gives his trademark deep bow to the fans! He makes his way down the aisle, the spotlight following his progress, arms outstretched to slap hands with as many fans as possible, and a big grin on his face. He makes a quick circuit of ringside before climbing up the ringsteps and entering the squared circle. The lights rise, and Shakespeare approaches Dross, making eyes at front row fans.] BS: I'll be quick, Dross.  People came to see wrestling and not listen to me.  A lot of fans have been asking me "What's next, Billy?"  And I was about to tell them, retirement. [Big round of "boos" from the crowd, until Shakespeare holds up his hands, and the fans quiet down.] The thought of kicking back for a while really appealed to me.  Well, somewhere between then and the time President Spreadbury handed me an engraved pocketwatch, I changed my mind.     I thought, "Hey Billy, you're not just another IIWF legend who wilts     under the pressure of the greatest fed in wrestling."  Only one thing has been around as long as the IIWF... Billy Shakespeare.  It seems to me that the front office has been doing a little too much eulogising of "legends" who leave and not enough hyping of who they got here. That's right, me.  [Big pop from the crowd, and even a few scattered chants of "Shoot, Spotlight! Shoot!"] Now I've heard a lot about the "spotlight", one Rick Williams in particular.  Y'know, Mr. Excess, when you demand the spotlight around here, you get something entirely different than what you wanted. You get "Spotlight" Billy Shakespeare. [Big pop!] I've outlasted "Showstoppers" and "Superstars".  I warrent I'll outlast you too. [The crowd pops wildly]     Which reminds me of the other reason I returned: unfinished business. (Billy pulls out a pair of prinz-nez eyeglasses, balancing them on his nose.  He then unrolls a long sheet of paper.)     By my estimates, Ronnie Paris, you and I are dead equal on pinfalls.     Scott Rogers, you're up on me two to one.  "Enigma" -- I'm gonna say     we're even. You smashed me up pretty good just before you left, but I appreciate your help at Ring Wars.  Now I've been accused of getting favor from the front office.  Remember, I haven't worn a belt since Snow Brawl last December, at which I lost the Intercontinental Championship to Steve "the Fury" Kowalski.  There's another name I gotta add to my list here.  "The Fury" got the Intercontinental belt, and I got a body guard. Next thing I know Thunder's the heavyweight champ, and I'm wearing a chicken on my tights. [A weak chant of "Spur... Spur..." begins.]     Brody, you're on this list too, right after unifying the Intercontinental and Cruiserweight belts, and right before visiting Cleveland.     Said Hamlet, "Brevity is the soul of wit", so I'll be downright     hilarious and shut up.  But before I go, there's one more thing I     gotta do. [Shakespeare climbs down from the ring, heading over to where Steve Roberts is charging fans a buck to touch his Grapples.  Steve sees the determined Shakespeare making his way over and begins to nervously look about for an escape.  Billy looms over Roberts... then places a big, wet kiss on his forehead.  The crowd pops and Billy grand bows before a stunned "Soundbite" and exits.] SR: Damn that Shakespeare. First the belt... now this. Morons, that's all for the first hour. We'll be back after these short messages from our sponsors. [Cut to a wide-angle shot of Shakespeare making his way up the aisle, slapping hands with the fans. Fade.] +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= I * I * W * F =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-+ | President: Daniel Spreadbury | Vice-President: Jim Jividen | | univ0322@sable.ox.ac.uk | brokeback@webtv.net | | iiwf@sisko.demon.co.uk | | +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- http://www.sisko.demon.co.uk -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=+