[Open to a shot of lightly falling snow over a pristine forest, the trees all topped with snowcaps, a horse-drawn carriage gliding through a trail, and young children frolicking in front of the woods, building a snow man. The scene is suddenly jarred by that all too familiar "professional narrator" voice.] VO: The Holiday Season is now upon us, and with that in mind we here at     the IIWF have the perfect gift for any wrestling fan on your list.     It's... Caroling With the Double Eye: No Egg Nog, no Learnin'!     You'll hear our takes on such classics as "Brody Thunder's comin' to     town", "I saw mommy looking at Alex Rio's ass", and this beauty... [Daniel Spreadbury, Jim Jividen, and Poutine Janois stand in a recording studio with headsets on, looking mildly uncomfortable and very out of place. The three forge forward with the carol...] SUITS: We three kings of Oregon are,        Signing talent from near and from far.        They get tryouts, we think buyouts,        Looking for a superstar. [Cut to a shot of the CD, where titles fly by as in all such ads. The titles move slightly too quickly to be seen well, but a few stick out: Frosty the Undead Frozen Caveman Wrestler (performed by Steve Roberts) O Christmas Tree (as inspired by Steve Manning) All I Want For Christmas is my Eyesight Back (a tribute to Creed) Wrestlers Roasting on an Open Fire (the Serge Annis song) [Go to a final shot of all the IIWF employees, be they front office, in-ring talent, broadcasters or secretaries, standing around with forced smiles. In unison, they yell out:] "Buy this CD or we don't get Christmas bonuses!" [The pathetic scene is held frozen on the screen for a moment, and then the opening graphics explode outwards.]                            _  _ __      __ ___                           | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|                           | || | \ v  v / | __|                           |_||_|  \_/\_/  |_|                         __  __      __ _______   __                  |    //_  / | /| //_ /__   / | /__|\__/                  | / //   /  // |//      \ /  //   /  /                  |/|//__ /__//  //_______//__//   /__/                         ___  ___      ___   ________                  |    //__| /__\     /__\  /  //  //|/|                  | / //   //   \    /   \ /  //  // / |                  |/|//   //    /   /    //__//__//    |                  --------------------------------------                             December 17 1997 [We now switch to a panning shot of the Broadcast Wing of the IIWF Hall of Fame... such memorabilia as a stack of unsold 1996 Christmas Carol CD's, a lifesize replica of Troy, a photo and video display of what Steve Roberts looked like back when he was clean shaven, and a pair of Stephanie Summer's used panties are shown as the camera swoops into position, slowly pulling up the broadcast table to reveal Larry Morton and Becky LaRue in the anchor positions.] LM: Welcome, everyone, to IIWF Wednesday War Room! Before we say anything else, there are two things to address. Number one, that great collection of carols is only $49.95, call now at 1-900-IIWF-XMAS and ask for Pamela! Secondly, my usual co-host, Dave Bacon, is currently down with a nasty flu, and we were lucky enough to get the lovely Becky LaRue to fill in. BL: I like the way you said lucky. I usually wouldn't give up my evening     to host this lousy show, but it's been tough for me to find any work     around here what with this new guy coming in. LM: So, you fancy yourself a working girl, then? [Larry's grin is soon replaced by a grimace of pain, one oddly familiar to viewers who've been watching this show for more than the last two weeks. He shows admirable restraint in keeping quiet.] BL: Let's go to the first match. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Otto Verhoeven vs The Smooth ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Once again, the Smooth was warmly welcomed during his entrance, and once again this was partly because Steve Roberts accompanied him. The massive Mexican wore an XXL "Welcome to the Slaughterhouse" t-shirt in deference to his opponent, and was greeted with loud "Let's Get Smooooooth!" chants from all over the arena. Otto, on the other hand, was subject to a massive heel pop that he largely ignored, focusing on tuning up for Lord Byron. And a short tune-up it was. The Smooth continued to play to his fans long after he should have, and turned just as the bell rang only to recieve a boot to the gut. Otto showed his trademark incredible strength, hauling the 500 pounder into the air for a chokeslam, and covered to take the easy 1-2-3. He quickly left then with Heidi, taking time only to taunt a few Lord Byron fans. The Smooth, meanwhile, was happy with his performance, and after a brief recovery period he walked out of the ring with the Soundbite who was patting him on the back, saying "You almost had him, pal." Winner: Otto Verhoeven via pinfall at 0:10 LM: Another quick loss for the Smooth, but more importantly Otto     Verhoeven cruises to victory on his way to a loser leaves town towel     match with Lord Byron. BL: Lately, Byron's career has been as listless as... well, I defer to     you Larry. You'd know all about listlessness. LM: I'm not sure I follow you. BL: Oh, I know you follow me. That's why you bought those new binoculars. LM: Uh, okay. The bottom line here is that Lord Byron, in his current     state, will need little less than a miracle to keep his IIWF career     alive. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Harlequin Tragedy vs "Nifty" Ned Norton ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Triple N appeared first, and one already inebriated fan flung a cup of beer at him, drenching the poor jobber from head to toe. With that, Norton took up the house mic and informed everyone that "You just cost yourselves the main event!". When he tried to leave, however, Harlequin Tragedy ran out to prevent him, nailing a series of kicks to the chest to soften him up and then dragging Norton back into the ring. From then on, it was absolutely _all_ Tragedy, as the former tag wrestler pounded Norton into the mat with a few flashy high-impact moves, and then went to work wearing down his legs. Tragedy showed quite a bit of technical skill, coming up with odd variations of anklelocks, grapevines, etc. Norton tried to mount a bit of offence late, firing a series of elbow into Tragedy's chest to escape a headlock and then running off the ropes for momentum, but whatever he was trying failed, as he was hammered with a belly-to-belly suplex and then wrapped up in the new Tragic Ending. Norton submitted almost immediately. Winner: Harlequin Tragedy via submission at 5:12 LM: Harlequin Tragedy with a very impressive outing, and I'd venture to     say he has a great singles career ahead of him. The man can do     incredible things with your legs. BL: You're telling me! You should see what he can do to your- LM: [cutting in] Yes, the Tragic Ending is a good move. BL: I suppose in light of Ned's "cupping" this would be a good time to     mention that the IIWF is very concerned with the safety of it's     wrestlers, and we prosecute those caught throwing objects towards the ring to the fullest extent of the law. Except during Joe Petrow matches. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Shadoe Rage vs Jumpin' Jack ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The clown returns to IIWF action, his nose now fully healed from that incident with Tiger Claw a while back, but even good health couldn't save him here. Shadoe Rage came out, evidently very mad at something or someone, and went right to work with little regard to his body. After a cross-body block knocked Jack to the outside, Shadoe went nuts, slamming him all over the place, going for a suicide dive (and luckily hitting it), and basicly pounding the poor bastard with anything he could think of, always getting back to the ring just in time to break counts. Finally the match went back into the ring for a while, but this was little respite for Jack, as he got hit with all manners of suplexes, a nasty tiger bomb, and even a slightly modified Michinoku Driver that the fans were really impressed with. Rage then took him back outside, laying him out on a wooden folding table and heading to the top rope as the fans started a massive chant of "Table! Table!". Rage elbowdropped himself and Jack through the table, wrecking it in the process and almost causing a double countout. He got up to break the count, and then DDT'ed Jack onto the concrete, knocking him out cold. Finally, he produced a spray paint can from under the ring and started writing on Jack's back, spelling out "Petrow Go Home". Rage was about to re-enter the ring when he was waylaid by Steve Manning carrying the now infamous Christmas tree. Shadoe was initially too surprised to put up a decent fight, but soon he was blocking shots and returning a few punches, so Manning took off. Rage left to a loud pop from the hardcore fans and the grudging respect of all. Winner: Shadoe Rage via disqualification at 7:35 LM: What a wild night! BL: Actually, I gave up a wild night to be here. LM: Ahem. Well, Shadoe Rage is another tag wrestler who's starting off a     fine looking singles career, and he made a big step towards that here. It's evident he isn't too happy with the return of Joe Petrow after all the classic Team Sychosys-Prophets of Rage wars. BL: He should have been paying more attention to the Sanguinary One using his head as a tree trimmer. LM: Somehow, after all the hardcore risks Shadoe took, I didn't think a     tree would be enough to stop him. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Ronnie Paris vs Barnicle Brother Bluto ------------------------------------------------------------------------ As seen on Monday Musings, Paris was wearing his "Property of the Soundbite Special Forces" t-shirt, and he also brought his four security guards to the ring. This, plus the fact one of the burly men was carrying that same dented trash can he'd used on the Enigma, drew even louder than usual chants of "Ronnie Sucks!". Paris as always was incensed, but this time he "ordered" one of his men to subdue the fans, which only made them louder. The match was more of a five-on-one affair than anything else, as Paris did little more than distract the referee peridoically while his goons took cheap shots at Bluto. When he was wrestling straight up, he mostly just avoided charges from the lumbering sailor and landed a few mildly effectual shots to the chest. His style led to loud "Paris fears Musashi" chants, which made the Texan so angry that he started making a few mistakes, allowing Bluto to unload with clotheslines, his first offense of the match. Paris saw the tide was turning, so he gave a signal to the guard with the trash can, and then whipped Bluto to the ropes where he was plastered with the twisted metal. Fortunately for Paris, Dave D'Amato had been duly distracted by his other goons, so Ronnie just slapped a Texas Cloverleaf on the fallen Bluto and picked up the easy win. Afterwards, his men carried him out of the ring on their shoulders as a celebration of his "hard fought win". Winner: Ronnie Paris via submission at 5:59 LM: Talk about a man whose personality has taken a complete 180 since     joining the IIWF... I still remember the affable and slightly goofy     young man who loved his job, and now we have this piece of work on     our hands. BL: I'm actually starting to appreciate Widdle Wonnie's style a bit     now... too bad he's married. LM: You're despicable. BL: It's all part of my charm. LM: Ronnie Paris to face Takezo Musashi this Saturday Night, that should     be a doozy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Licensed for Devestation vs the Harlequins ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The New Harlequin tandem seemed ready for anything as they walked to the aisle, the Portland regulars not exactly sure what to think of this new team. Only an oddly familiar fan in a Russian-style fur hat had any really strong reaction, and his was to cheer the two. When their opposition was announced, however, LFD failed to appear. Veteran official Earl Alfonso gave them until a ten count to appear, and when they didn't he awarded the match to the New 'Quins. Winners: Harlequins via forfeit LM: At the time, many of us speculated that we may have seen the last of     Licensed for Devestation in the IIWF, but we were soon to be proven     wrong... [Cut to further highlights: as Chaos and Terror celebrated their win, they were caught off guard by an LFD run-in, Starr and Chaos moving so fast there was little time to react. The two, both carrying chairs, blasted their respective Quin at the same time, Starr taking down Terror and (Jon) Chaos hitting (Harlequin) Chaos. Can't tell your tag wrestlers apart without a program. Anyway, LFD proceed to batter both men with the folding chairs, dropping them eventually to throw in a few kicks on the battered and downed Harlequins. Finally, the JJS appeared with a slower than usual response time, and the jubiliant co-assailants left the ring willingly, satisfied that they'd made their point.] LM: LFD may be biting off more than they can chew, what with trying to     take on so many men at once. BL: I took on so many men once... LM: Ack! She's using Soundbite material! BL: And you won't hear me do it again, I'm very selective about what     comes out of my mouth. LM: And what goes in it? AUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH! [We see the slightest of movement in Becky's leg, and Larry starts to scream in pain, tears welling up in his eyes.] BL: Remember the heels, Morton? [Larry just nods] The tag team scene is     certainly heating up, as I'm sure Larry would tell you if he could. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Jimmy "Meatman" Steele vs The Highwayman ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Highwayman's entrance was utterly pathetic, he showed no spark of life and looked like hell warmed over. It was obvious he hadn't shaved in days, his hair was a rumpled mess, and his eyes never once looked up, as if he hadn't the effort to break his funk. The Meatman, on the other hand, appeared looking his robust self and tossing bits of corned beef into the audience. His inexplicable popularity continued to climb, the chants of "Meat!" almost deafening, rivalling the pops awarded to the Macbeths, Thunders, and Kowaskis of the promotion. Once the match got underway, it was very much a one-sided affair. Adam Smith showed little interest or effort as the Meatman took him apart bit by bit, relying mostly on brawling tactics initially to slow the bigger man down, then trying to wear him out with bear hugs and other submissions that allowed him to exert some of his weight. Smith did fight back a little bit, but nothing was particularly effective and he had trouble putting two moves together, lacking the killer instinct to follow up any of his weak punches. Just when the Meatman seemed ready to put his opponent away, however, a flash of Smith's true athletic ability shone through, as he reversed an uncharacteristic Meatman leap from the top rope into a big powerslam. That may have been enough to turn the tide and pull out a win, but Smith seemed hesitant to follow up, and when he finally did Steele was recovered enough to his his Meathook roundhouse. With the Highwayman in big trouble, Steele hit signature move number 2, the Spitfire Grill, in which Smith was entwined in the ropes and then let go, choking him out. Meat almost covered right there, but instead he pulled Highwayman out into the middle of the ring and nailed him with a crotch drop to the face, finally covering for an easy three. Winner: Jimmy "Meatman" Steele via pinfall at 11:22 LM: This was really a story of two men going in opposite directions; the Meatman Fever is catching faster than Asian bird flu but the Highwayman has looked worse and worse every time we've seen him since Ring Wars IV. BL: I can't say I'm a fan of the Meatman, but he is getting pretty     popular. As for the Highwayman, though, he should consider teaming with Lord Byron. They could call themselves "The Has-Been and the Never-Was". LM: Despite both men having lacklustre performances lately, that's no way to talk about either the Highwayman or Lord Byron! BL: Are they still with the promotion? LM: One man who is still with the promotion is Luke Steele, and he had     some comments regarding, among other things, his match tonight with     Charles Scheffield. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Luke Steele vs Charles Scheffield ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [Fade up to a small room, which after a few seconds can be recognized as an elevator.  Luke Steele stands before the camera in a nylon track suit, a large duffel bag thrown over his shoulder as he waits for his floor.] LS: Two more matches this week for the hottest wrestler on the planet.  You can't really blame the IIWF, they want as much exposure for their hardest working wrestler as I do.  This weekend a triple threat match for a shot at the Intercontinental Title, but I'll go into detail about that at a later date.     No, first up is Charles Scheffield on Wednesday.  Mr. Scheffield,     forgive me if I seem unfamiliar with you, because I am.  You see, I     stopped paying attention to newcomers a long time ago, when I myself     couldn't catch a break as a naive rookie up here in Portland.  As far as I'm concerned, any new blood that comes into the league from this point forward won't get any help from me in moving up the ladder.     Who bothered to help me?  Not a damn soul.  It wasn't until I     perfected the Floating DDT and gained the confidence it takes to     succeed that I got on this hot streak.  And in the process, I became     the hardest working wrestler around.     Mr. Scheffield, when your head bounces off the canvas this Wednesday, maybe I'll do you a favour and pin you right away.  After all, it is only fair to a newcomer.  Later, baby dolls. [Fade down to black as the doors open, and Luke steps out into a hallway.] Neither Luke Steele nor Charles Scheffield made particularly flashy entrances, but once the bell rang they both got down to business. The early minutes was very much a back-and-forth affair, both men trying technical style and really just feeling each other out. Scheffield showed himself to be a better technician, tying up a Steele attempt at a hiptoss and rolling into a very effective anklelock/wristlock combination that almost had Steele ready to give up. However, he held out long enough that the Connecticut native let go and decided to try another tack. After that near defeat, Steele switched his offense to more of a power-based attack to capitalize on his weight advantage. Luke caught the rookie off guard with a nice backbreaker that lead to further offense, just fast enough so as not to allow much of a counter-attack, and for a time Scheffield was getting pounded. However, making even one mistake against a man of his talents can be one too many, so when Steele missed a charge into the corner and accidentally rammed his shoulder off the steel ringpost, Scheffield saw his chance and went to work on the banged right shoulder, immediately applying a nerve hold. After a brief struggle, Steele was able to nail a jawbreaker to force release, but the damage was done and he'd been slowed down a bit from the pain. This gave Scheffield a chance to take the advantage back, as he did during Steele's next offensive flurry. He blocked an attempted snap suplex, and turned Steele around to stun him with a quick shoulderbreaker, showing quite a bit of strength to get him up and through the move cleanly. From here, the master mat technician again went to work, gradually wearing down the health of Steele's shoulder with various armbars and nerve holds while weathering the storm of sporadic flurries of fists from Steele. The strategy was working to perfection, too, until Scheffield made a typical rookie mistake by putting his head down too soon on an intended backdrop. This was all the opportunity Steele needed to nail his Floating DDT and take the win, although it was by no means an easy win. Steele acknowledged this as he nodded respectfully to Scheffield, who had won the fans over during the match and left to a nice pop despite being the loser. Winner: Luke Steele via pinfall at 17:47 LM: Both men put on a great show tonight, which is what we can promise     you every time the IIWF comes to your town live! BL: Shut up with the shills, Larry. What I will say is that this young     Charles Scheffield showed me a lot tonight, I think he has a bright     future. And besides, he's rich. LM: Luke Steele continues to roll along with that Floating DDT that he     calls the "Steele Refinery". BL: That's not what he calls it! LM: [hurt] Well, he should. BL: Luke has the biggest break of his career this weekend as he's in a     triangle match for a shot at the Intercontinental champion, but he'll blow it somehow. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Natural Predators vs The Machines ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Although they usually bicker like an old married couple, this time out the Machines were even more acrimonious. It started right away, as Simon O'Neal chewed out partner Paul Wong for trying to high-five a young fan, and all they while down to the ring the two argued about which would start the match. The Natural Predators showed no such dissension, with Kuyler Greyson even bringing out their totem pole as inspiration. From the get go, it looked to be an explosive situation. The massive Bear started off against O'Neal, who was goaded into charging the big man with a clothesline that did absolutely nothing. A second attempt by O'Neal was intercepted right away by a running tackle from Bear that sent the arrogant Machine of Irish descent flying out of the ring. When he returned, he was even more steamed than he had been, and he started using some very questionnable tactics to work on the much bigger Predator, firing eye rakes, vicious close-handed blows of which a few were potentially low, and so on. Though he was nearly disqualified a few times, his attacks weren't totally successful as whenever he got too close to Bear, he ended up being tossed around, slammed, or bear hugged. Finally O'Neal had enough and he tagged out to Paul Wong, slapping his partner's hand abnormally hard. Wong seemed a bit cheesed at that, but while he conveyed this to his partner the Grey Phoenix snuck in and hammered him from behind with a dropkick, knocking both men into each other. If they hadn't been working well together before, they certainly weren't now. The Predators began to dominate the match with double-team tactics as the Machines seemed unable to work effectively together. They missed blind tags, missed easy double-team attempts, and were slow in making saves, while the Predators exploited this with all the old chestnuts designed to get a 2 on 1 situation. Finally, to make things worse, the lovely Miss Miki made her way down to ringside, drawing the attention of Paul Wong yet again. Miki made the most of it, and Wong probably hoped he'd soon be making the most of it, when O'Neal reached out for a tag that wasn't there. Angry, he whirled his partner around to yell at him, and the two argued for a time until there was a shove... Wong fell back... into a Grey Phoenix rollup for three! Winners: Natural Predators via pinfall at 14:03 LM: The Machines seem to be having some real troubles getting along, and     it costs them as the very capable Natural Predators hand them a loss. BL: Maybe they need couples therapy. LM: Well, I certainly can't blame Paul Wong for being distracted by Miss     Miki, she's a very lovely lady. [Larry looks over at Becky, who seems a bit miffed.] Not as lovely as the goddess sitting next to me, of course. BL: Nice save. You really fear these stilleto heels, don't you? LM: More than the wrath of God. Well, folks, that was Wednesday War Room     for this week, make sure to tune in next week when we may or may not     have my ailing co-host back. And if you're hosting a Christmas party     this Saturday Night, make sure everyone tunes into... [Larry is cut off, and very startled as a door slams loudly open. WHAM! Neither host looks sure what to do as they see a dissheveled Dave Bacon run into the shot holding a tattered handful of papers in his hands. He looks accusingly at Morton and begins to shout.] DB: I know everything! I found it all, even the stuff they hid! The     triple-cross... the Creed allegations... I know it all! I have the truth! LM: [quietly, almost sickly] Dave, _please_. DB: You can't hold back the truth, the truth finds a way! I know it all! BL: [to the director] Cut the signal! Cut it! [Frantic scurrying about can be heard behind the cameras as a twisted grin appears on Dave Bacon's face. Both co-hosts look deathly white.] DB: I have the whole story, and you're all going to hear it! What really     happened to Steve... [Cut abruptly to black.] +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= I * I * W * F =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-+ | President: Daniel Spreadbury | Vice-President: Jim Jividen | | univ0322@sable.ox.ac.uk | brokeback@webtv.net | | iiwf@sisko.demon.co.uk | | +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- http://www.sisko.demon.co.uk -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=+