[The theme song from "Entertainment Tonight" inexplicably plays as the shot opens on an animated computer terminal... the shot moves inside the screen where cartoon versions of Steve "Pikachu" Roberts and The Smooth are seen locked in combat with a bloated, grotesque rendition of "Quickstrike" Chris Quigley.  Roberts and Smooth volley what appear to be barbed wire Christmas Trees at "Quigley", who teeters... then shoots firery red beams from his eyes... pulsating... pulsating from the screen. Ten, fifteen, twenty seconds go by as "Quigley" continues to spew his deadly rays... until finally the onslaught is stopped as the cartoon Smooth flips backward from the top of the screen and strikes "Quigley" through the heart with a Christian cross in a maneuver that could best be described as a "crucifix moonsault". The cartoon Quigley explodes in a brilliant red light... its particles then reforming over the black screen as the opening title:] . ___. __ ____ __ ________ ______ ||\ |/ | || | | || | || |\ \ /\ / /| __| || \|\__ | __||__ | |_||__ | || | \ v v / | __| || | \|/ || | | || |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| ||______/|\__||__ | | ||_________________________ with Tim Dross and "Soundbite" Steve Roberts Tuesday 23 December 1997 ................................................... [Bing Crosby and David Bowie's version of "The Little Drummer Boy" plays as we fade up on the Arm Bar in the historic Pearl District of Portland, Oregon.  IIWF fans of all manner of demographic stand and applaud as the camera spins around the room, many fans decked in the official IIWF paraphenalia of their favorite superstar. On the upraised platform are the seated persons of Tim Dross and Steve "Soundbite" Roberts.  Dross is wearing his customary blue IIWF blazer while Roberts is in his trademark leather jacket over top of a white t-shirt reading "You're Next Lovitz". The music fades as the shot zooms in on Dross.] TD: Hello everybody and welcome to "Inside the IIWF"! [Big round of applause from the patrons.] TD: Welcome to the Arm Bar in the professional wrestling capital of the world, beeautiful Portland, Oregon! [Big Hometown Pop!] TD: Welcome to your weekly look at all the news, views, reviews and previews... highlights and sidelights... cheers and jeers. A look behind at the week that was -- then up ahead at what will be here in the HOTTEST professional wrestling organization in the world today... [The fans began to roar the words along with Dross...] "The _Mighty_ IIWF!!" [The chants of "I-I-W-F...I-I-W-F" begin fans high fiving each other as they anticpate the introduction of the next man.] TD: I am your host, Tim Dross... and with me, as always, is the hardest working man in the rasslin' business... Steve "Soundbite" Roberts! [The "Shoot, Soundbite! Shoot" chants begin as Roberts takes a sip of a clear beverage and waves to the people.] TD: Steve Roberts, Welcome. SR: Dross -- you and I have had our problems, that's no secret to anyone -- but a couple of things happened on Saturday Night that need to be addressed by a man of my breeding, intellect and God-given good graces -- and since I'm the only Soundbite in the building... I'm nominating yours truly to do the shooting. TD: It was another wild ride on IIWF Saturday Night, Steve Roberts... we saw fans in the ring, wrestlers attacking announcers, a fusilade of fish, a club wielding Santa, and the last IIWF match of one of the greatest wrestlers in the world. Let's take one last look at all the action. ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v v / | __| REWIND: |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| IIWF Saturday Night: 20 December ....................................................................... Lord Byron d. Otto Verhoeven Serge Annis draw Steve Kowalski Duncan Macbeth d. Luke Steele/Bradley Reed Takezo Musashi d. Ronnie Paris (DQ) Subway Psycho draw Tony Starks Prophets of Rage d. Cold Spell Bear d. Eddy Ramos Christopher Stonebreaker d. Charles Scheffield TD: Quite an evening, Steve Roberts -- and we start at the top. Otto Verhoeven has wrestled his final match in the IIWF. SR: And a sadder day there never was, you know, we have seen a lot of great wreslters come and go here in the Double Eye -- ain't none of them more universally respected than The Butcher.  No damn way Heidi should have thrown in that towel.  No damn way. TD: It was a controversial ending to one of the great careers in IIWF history... but certainly a fitting match, perhaps one of the best matches in the history of IIWF Saturday Night.  SR: Squash... damn squash.  Butcher beat Byron from wa to wa all damn night... and then the damn Has Been locked on his prissy little leghold. Some things just suck, Dross; football players getting in the ring, pay-per-views from down Gawgia way, Kari Wuhrer not returning my phone calls and some goddamn leghold knocking Otto Verhoeven clear out of the Double Eye Double You F'n F! TD: Lord Byron did indeed regain all in one evening whatever degree of respect he had lost over the past couple of months, coming up with a new version of the Aristoclutch that forced the submission from Nurse Heidi. Exceptionally, exceptionally wrestled from both men.  And we at "Inside the IIWF" wish Otto Verhoeven well in all of his future endeavors. SR: Makes me sick.  Sick! Sick! Sick! TD: Another man who might be feeling a little queasy this morning is IIWF Champion Brody Thunder. What an incredible night for the Champ -- particularly when he did not even wrestle.  First, we saw Brody Thunder and Steve Kowalski make it official -- they will meet in the Main Event at Snow Brawl on January 17 from Honolulu, Hawaii.  At the end of the program, we saw Brody Thunder in the guise of Santa Claus taking a piece out of the Fury... But in between we saw yet another draw between Steve Kowalski and Serge Annis that has resulted in this week's title defense by Brody Thunder being changed to a Three Way Dance! SR: Oh... Oh... Oh.  Now do we have something here, Dross.  Let me ask you a question... what have Annis and Kowalski been doing the last two weeks? TD: Attempting to tear down the building. SR: Absolutely.  These two guys have hit each other with everything but the basement sink -- you don't think they have a little respect for each other?  You don't think they maybe have cooked up a little something? Here's what I know... this is an Elimination match... that means that two guys will have to get eliminated before we have a winner.  I am saying it right now... I am going on record as saying it right now... This Saturday Night... the first man eliminated will be Brody Thunder. And then we will have a new Champion of the World! TD: Strong words. SR: I'm a strong man.  Powerful.  Tightly coiled.  Some have compared me to a more muscular Lee Haney.  TD: Well, a man who is definitely strong, in all senses of the word, is Brody Thunder... and I have a feeling that he won't give up that Championship belt without one hell of a fight. SR: It'll be Kowalski!  No... Annis.  It'll be Annis! TD: The other title contest which is set will be the much anticipated rematch between Chris Quigley and Duncan Macbeth, coming in two weeks' time.  The Scotsman defeated Luke Steele and Bradley Reed on Saturday to secure for himself a shot at the Intercontinental Championship on January 3rd. SR: Tick, tick, tick, Chrissie.  You made the biggest damn mistake of your life when you put your hands on my buddy Dross -- and then you made an even bigger one when you got in my face, you understand that?  You get that, Quigley?  I'm gonna see that belt of yours ripped off your waist... I'm gonna see you lose right in the middle of the ring... and I'm gonna see you walk your punk ass right the hell out of the IIWF, Chrissie!  TD: I don't think Chris Quigley is going anywhere, Steve Roberts, despite his obvious character deficiency, he is in the midst of one of the great Championship runs in IIWF history -- and he will look for that to continue this Saturday Night against Derek Mota. SR: You gotta love the crazy little guy... but he's got a broken ankle, Dross!  I've seen the x-rays... Derek Mota is going to get himself injured by Quigley and that... thing... he hangs around with.  I don't even want to say his name. But... you mark my words, Dross.  Mark my words... Chris Quigley is gonna walk out of the IIWF in shame and disgrace.  Mark my words.  Read my lips Dross, "Oh My Nard!" TD: Care to make it interesting? [The fans, recalling the result of the last wager between Tim Dross and Chris Quigley began to hoot down the idea... but Roberts accepts it eagerly, sitting forward far in his chair.] SR: Whaddya got in mind, Drossy? TD: Steve Roberts, I believe you owe these great fans of the IIWF a poem.  [The "Recite, Soundbite! Recite" chants begin anew -- at least among those fans not smacking at their foreheads.] SR: You are one plucky son of a bitch, Dross.  You got a deal.  Just before Chris Quigley's match at Snow Brawl... against whoever it is, whenever it is... I will come out to the ring... live, in front of a worldwide pay-per-view audience... And I'll recite a poem. TD: Of my choice. SR: Yeah, dammit, of your choice. TD: To the cardboard cut-out of Chris Quigley. [The Quigley cut-out, covered in saliva, is seen.] SR: Fine. TD: While someone shaves your beard. SR: Of course... Hey!  Hey!  My face is my fortune, Dross.  Don't be messin' with the money!  Would you shave Hemmingway?  Would you shave Connery?  Would you shave Dakota Bundy's momma? Damn, I need a new ugly guy. TD: That's the deal, Steve Roberts.  Absolutely no excuses.  If Chris Quigley competes at Snow Brawl... you will recite a poem, in the ring, to a cardboard Quigley cut-out... while that god-awful beard is shaved completely off. SR: Easiest bet I'll ever make. TD: And... Steve Roberts... what is it you'd like if you win? SR: You'll find out, Dross.  You'll find out. TD: The question is now open if we will ever find out who is the better man between Takezo Musashi and Ronnie Paris; once again, Paris refused to hook up one on one with an increasingly frustrated Enigma... instead sending in a squad of goons somehow associated with you, Steve Roberts... SR: This is the other thing... what does a professional broadcast journalist have to do to get some competent muscle around this place? Quigley wiped out my bozos... Enigma damn near made two former Green Berets cry... it seems like the only guy I can count on to watch the back of "Big Poppa" is Smooth.  TD: Ten seconds Smooth lasted on Wednesday. SR: Kid's gettin' good.  Reminds me a little of Buddy Rogers in his prime.   That is, if Buddy Rogers was a 500 pound Mexican who loved Lionel Richie and kept getting beat in 10 seconds. TD: Well, Ronnie Paris will not be able to avoid Takezo Musashi for much longer... because on January 17... this is an "Inside the IIWF" Exclusive folks... The Enigma will meet Ronnie Paris in a Ladder Match!! [The following graphic appears drawing applause from the crowd...] SNOW BRAWL: JUDGEMENT NIGHT LADDER MATCH: "The Enigma" Takezo Musashi vs. Ronnie Paris [Cut back to Dross and Roberts.] TD: In other action... Tony Starks and the Subway Psycho fought to a blistering draw... the Prophets of Rage defeated Cold Spell... SR: It's Rainin' Fish!  Hallelujah!  It's rainin' Fish!  Hey, Hey!  TD: Christopher Stonebreaker defeated "The Rookie" Charles Scheffield -- and we had quite a wild scene as Bear defeated Eddy Ramos in that Strongman Contest... SR: Unbelievable. TD: ...Only to be knocked out then by Damage Inc... I'm sorry... The Lost Boyz... SR: Short, fat Fanny... she's gonna be there too. You know the field is 110 yards in the CFL?  Crazy. TD: And that was all preceded by one of the mot inspired appearances we've seen around here in a long time... as the Down Boys officially became... Damage Inc. [Roberts clutches his heart, slumping over in his chair and sliding all the way to the floor.] TD: Steve Roberts. [Opening one eye...] SR: See, this is good, Dross.  I've been saying for years that IIWF tag teams were interchangeable parts -- just rip off the nametags and no one would be able to tell the difference... and now, like so many of my great prophecies... this one's coming true, Dross. Allemande left your corners all, Chester.  The Harlequins and the Prophets sub in new guys... Damage Inc. becomes the Rough Riders... The Down Boys become Damage Inc... Dick Sargent becomes Edmund Fitzgerald and sweet little no-longer underaged so get the CIA off my ass, Chelsea Clinton becomes Linda Lovelace. TD: I don't believe... SR: I gots tapes, Dross.  I gots tapes.   TD: Of course, we can't leave out the men who are gone from the IIWF as of Saturday Night... Ike Sampson is now on extended sabbatical... the Highwayman has absolutely vanished from the face of the earth... Scott Rogers, apparently unhappy with his role alongside Richard "Moxy" Blue, has left -- as has "The Brat" Bradley Reed -- who found himself on the wrong end of a good ol' fashioned beatdown by Marty Warnett and Billy Shakespeare. We hope to find out on Saturday Night exactly what is in store for these two former Champions. SR: Nice that Shakespeare's found work.  He brought peppermint candies for everyone's kids from his Ol' Fashioned Soda Shoppe -- and the IIWF is very appreciative. TD: Remember, folks... no War Room this week -- so let's take a... Basement sink? SR: Like Daddy would let me wash in the bathroom?  TD: Let's take our _First Look_ at all that will go down on Saturday Night!! ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v v / | __| FIRST LOOK: |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| IIWF Saturday Night: 27 December 1997 ....................................................................... 1. IIWF World Heavyweight Championship Triangle Match: "Lone Wolf" Brody Thunder vs. Steve "the Fury" Kowalski vs. Serge Annis 2. IIWF Intercontinental Championship Match: "Quickstrike" Chris Quigley vs. Derek Mota 3. "Sychosys" Joe Petrow vs. Mark Destructo 4. Deathbringer vs. The Meatman 5. IIWF Cruiserweight Championship Match: "Rocket Man" Timothy N. Turner vs. Icehawk 6. IIWF World Tag Team Championship Match: Lost Boyz vs. Licensed for Devastation 7. "Savage" Shadoe Rage vs. Harlequin Tragedy 8. The Machines vs. Mystery Opponents TD: Folks, the IIWF has a real Holiday Treat for you this week... a Championship Saturday Night with all four title belts on the line! SR: It's definitely Serge.  Nah... it's the Fury. TD: We will see the IIWF Heavyweight Championship up for grabs when Brody Thunder takes on Steve Kowalski and Serge Annis in a Three Way Dance! We will see "Quickstrike" Chris Quigley put up his Intercontinental Title against the man with one leg... Derek Mota! We will see the Lost Boyz, in their first title defense, going up against the always controversial, Licensed For Devastation! And... we will see the "Rocketman" Timothy N. Turner meet a man who has held the IIWF Tag Championship three times... Icehawk! SR: Okay... Switch at the top -- we've already covered that.  I say they double-team Thunder, take him out of the picture early -- then battle it out with forks. Second, damn dirty Quigley is gonna quit.  Maybe right in the middle of this match with One-Leg Mota. Third, we got the RoughRiders... and they're gonna meet... what... the Alouettes?  Give the points -- take the champs. And... what the hell is ChickenHawk doing in the singles?  When did this start?  Sure, he's got his little moonsault and his tag belts... but, does anyone really think he can compete with Tim Turner? [There's a shot of the ravaged Steve "Stephanie" Summer, shivering alone after the leavetaking of Reed and Stone.] SR: Poor kid.  There but for the grace of God goes Larry Morton. TD: We also have a number of other big matches... two big crowd favorites will hook up when Deathbringer meets the Meatman! [The crowd bursts into the cheer of "Meat...Meat...Meat...Meat!"] TD: We'll see two more former champs engage in singles competition when Tragedy meets Shadoe Rage! SR: Now that's a great looking match, Dross -- you put two intense, savage, real men in the ring... knocking each other around... maybe using boards... or sticks... or fish... Now that's what I call Christmas, Dross. TD: The Machines, suffering through horrible dissension, will have the further problem of being matched against a mystery team this Saturday Night! SR: I know who they are. TD: And, of course, "Sychosys" Joe Petrow makes his way back to the IIWF rings this Saturday Night with a matchup against a man with an enormous worldwide reputation, Mark Destructo.  SR: Crazy Joe is back in town.  I only barely believe it my own self. Hey, Destructo... been nice having you around.  Make sure you call around to get a good flight out of here... Holiday travel can be a bitch.  Not just the prices... but all those delays... the mid-air collisions... the refusal by certain actresses named Kari to respond to my pages when I damn well know she is flying out of O' Hare. Hey, Dross... why do you think that is... why so much airline trouble? [The khaki panted young man at the bar, his head slumped over as it appears he has not left since last week, raises his head and says, "Deregulation, the Republicans allowed the forces of the market to guide the decisions of even the most delicate of economic institutions, for a nice look at the theoretical underpinnings inherent, read Adam Smith's "A Wealth of Nations"... and then Ralph Nader's "Unsafe At Any Speed".] SR: There you go. TD: Folks, it is a very special Championship Saturday Night -- and it is coming your way from the IIWF Coliseum this Saturday! ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v v / | __| COMING FRIDAY: |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| Countdown to Saturday Night ....................................................................... TD: Well, that's all the time we have tonight -- we have two matches set for Snow Brawl... SR: And we have a bet, Dross... don't forget the bet... TD: My attorneys will be over with papers in the morning.  We also have an enormous week of IIWF action ahead, beginning with the always tremendous "Countdown to Saturday Night" SR: Who the hell are hosting these shows, Dross?  One week there's this guy Bacon... the next week LaRue... I see Tim Turner one week... then there's this other broad -- what's her name... Vicki Von Vicki?  I don't know, Dross... I'm beginning to miss the old days. TD: Then, we'll close off the week with the finest two hours of wrestling anywhere in the world, IIWF Saturday Night.  So... for my tag team colleague, Steve Roberts.. SR: Huzzah. TD: ...I'm Tim Dross saying, Merry Christmas, Everyone! SR: Happy Hanukkah! TD: Happy Kwanza! SR: Too all our agnostic brothers and sisters, Have a Nice Thursday! TD: Goodnight Everybody! [Adam Sandler's "The Hanukkah Song" plays as Roberts and Dross each take off their headsets and walk their separate ways from the platform.  The shot and the music fade.] +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= I * I * W * F =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-+ | President: Daniel Spreadbury | Vice-President: Jim Jividen | | univ0322@sable.ox.ac.uk | brokeback@webtv.net | | iiwf@sisko.demon.co.uk | | +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- http://www.sisko.demon.co.uk -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=+