[The words of Tim Dross flash across the blackened screen:] "What, do you suppose, will happen next week?" [An acoustic version of Blue Oyster Cult's "Don't Fear The Reaper" plays over still photographs from IIWF Saturday Night: Serge Annis entering to a wall of flame... Steve Kowalski pounding his can of beer against his forehead... Brody Thunder puffing on his cigar... Brody Thunder tiger suplexing Serge Annis to the floor... Steve Kowalski rocking Brody Thunder with the ringbell... Serge Annis chokeslamming Steve Kowalski through the table... Annis with the double chokeslam... Kowalski and Thunder with the double powerbomb... Spike Skullpump. Mad Dog Watkins. 1 - 2 - 3... 1 --- 2 --- 3!! Steve Kowalski, the IIWF Championship belt lifted high in the air, grins broadly as the shot and the music fade.] . ___. __ ____ __ ________ ______ ||\ |/ | || | | || | || |\ \ /\ / /| __| || \|\__ | __||__ | |_||__ | || | \ v v / | __| || | \|/ || | | || |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| ||______/|\__||__ | | ||_________________________ with Tim Dross and "Soundbite" Steve Roberts Tuesday 30 December 1997 ................................................... ["Heterosexual Man" by The Odds plays as the shot opens on the interior of the Arm Bar in the Pearl District of Portland.  IIWF fans of all manner of demographic wildly applaud and wave homemade signs as the camera zooms around the tavern.  The raised platform containing the IIWF television personnel is seen - veteran IIWF commentator Tim Dross is seen, wearing a spiffy new IIWF blazer over top a t-shirt picturing a microphone and the words: THINK DROSS Next to him is the Soundbite, Steve Roberts, whose beard is wildly approaching Manson-like proportion.  Roberts wears his customary leather jacket over a new black t-shirt which sports white letters reading: "...and on the 8th day, God created... THE SOUNDBITE" The music fades as the shot zooms in on Dross.] TD: Hello, Portland! [Big Hometown Pop!] TD: Hello from the Arm Bar, the nerve center of the professional wrestling universe! [A chant of "Black Strap Stout...Black Strap Stout" briefly rises among the more inebriated of the fans.] TD: Hello from your weekly look at all the news, views, reviews and previews... highlights and sidelights... cheers and jeers.  A look behind at the week that was and up ahead at what will be here in the HOTTEST professional wrestling organization in the world today... [The fans chant along, as always, as Dross finishes his customary opening phrase...] "THE _MIGHTY_ IIWF!" TD: I am your host, Tim Dross, and this is another edition of "Inside the IIWF" -- and beside me, as always, is the hardest working man in the rasslin' business, Steve "Soundbite" Roberts. SR: Say it, Dross.  Say it loud... Say it strong... And _NEW_ IIWF HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD... STEVE "THE FURY" KOWALSKI! You gotta love it, Dross.  After all these years, the Age of the Fury is upon us.  I couldn't be more proud if he won the thing with an Asai moonsault.  Big Soundbite Special Forces Salute to the Fury! [A roar goes up from the patrons, the chants of "Skull-pump! Skull-pump! Skull-pump!" rising amidst the bar.] TD: We indeed have, shockingly, a new World Heavyweight Champion. Experts and insiders were stunned Saturday Night as the IIWF had yet another huge shock in store for its fans as "The Next Big Thing" finally became the current big thing: Steve Kowalski is your new Heavyweight Champion. SR: About Damn Time. TD: But controversy has shrouded this match, were Brody Thunder's shoulder's clearly pinned?  The videotape is inconclusive -- but what is obvious is the startling appearance by Mad Dog Watkins -- whose return to the IIWF was marked by a huge spinebuster on Serge Annis, that certainly played a role in this title change.  SR: Well, welcome back to the Old Dog.  You know, he and Kowalski have run on the same side of the street for a long time -- and it's a damn special thing to come back to the IIWF just in time to help out your buddy.  It's the same reason I came back to do this piece of Quigley show, Dross.  You were floundering, ratings falling below the Mendoza line -- when like some beautiful miracle the Almighty, Allpowerful Soundbite decided to grace your little show with his presence.  Like Charlemagne, like Nelson Mandela, like Bobafet -- I have clearly established myself as the "emotional leader" of "Inside the IIWF"... I am the "straw that stirs the drink"... I am the "dish that ran away with the spoon"... I am the "pair of wisecracking black kids who get adopted by the rich white man on Park Avenue and his daughter Kimberly".  I am Steve "Soundbite" Roberts, forever and ever... Amen... [A huge pop from the clearly drunken IIWF fans.] TD: And we are grateful, Steve Roberts. SR: And you should be, Dross. TD: A shocking turn of events, indeed.  Former Intercontinental Champion Mad Dog Watkins has apparently returned to the IIWF -- and did so in grand fashion, aiding his longtime friend and rival Steve Kowalski in his not only winning the IIWF Championship, but becoming the first Triple Crown Winner in the history of the IIWF!  Steve Kowalski has now been holder of all three championships, the Heavyweight Title... the Intercontinental Title... and was even the Cruiserweight Champion at one point. Congratulations to the Fury.  And what an incredible, incredible turn of events as we approach Snow Brawl, coming live only on pay-per-view January 17 from the Aloha Bowl in Honolulu, Hawaii.  We have information on that big Main Event -- as well as more news about that big Snow Brawl card -- coming your way later in the show, but for now let's take a look at everything else that went down this past Saturday Night! ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v v / | __| REWIND: |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| IIWF Saturday Night: 27 December ....................................................................... - IIWF World Heavyweight Championship: Steve "the Fury" Kowalski d. Brody Thunder/Serge Annis - IIWF Intercontinental Championship: Chris Quigley d. Derek Mota - Joe Petrow d. Mark Destructo - Meatman draw Deathbringer - IIWF Cruiserweight Championship: "Rocket Man" Timothy Turner d. Icehawk - IIWF World Tag Team Championship: Lost Boyz d. LFD - Shadoe Rage d. Tragedy - Subway Psycho/Tony Starks d. The Machines TD: Although the crowning of a new Heavyweight Champion is easily the top story from the final IIWF Saturday Night of 1997 -- all four Championship belts were on the line -- and fortunately for the champions, they suffered a better fate than did the great Brody Thunder.  SR: Yeah, let's talk about that hero, Chris Quigley.  Let's talk about the guy who lives on "Quickstrike Island" with his little freak buddy Manning.  He won again -- great -- beat up a guy with one leg.  What do you say about Chris Quigley now, Dross?  What do you say about that guy now? TD: Chris Quigley was indeed without mercy on Saturday Night as he defeated a man who, you just have to say, has more guts than brains, in Derek Mota.  Quigley's refusal to release his "Quickstriker" led to the forseeable intrusion of one of Chris Quigley's two current huge rivals, the Scotsman Duncan Macbeth --- which was obviously just what Quigley and Manning were counting on as they attacked Macbeth as well, Quigley locking the Scotsman up one more time in that Quickstriker. SR: I hate that damn Quigley.  TD: Really?  I don't think anyone would have gleaned that from your incessant tirades about the man. SR: No, you don't understand.  I've always hated Quigley, the whiny, petulant, "give the little boy in the second row my leather jacket while I go put my little leghold on some scrub" overrated loser... But this new Quigley, the guy who tried to beat you up, Dross, the guy who attacks cripples... the guy with the nutjob in his corner -- this guy actually makes me almost forget for a second that it's Chris Quigley and admire the true deviousness and loathesomeness that he is displaying each and every week. And that really pisses me off, Dross.  And I ain't readin' no damn poem. TD: I have the agreement in writing. SR: I own a really good eraser. TD: Chris Quigley's other rival is a man who has irritated his share of people during his distinguished career as well, "Sychosys" Joe Petrow, who was easily dominant in his return to the IIWF rings, taking Mark Destructo apart in a manner rarely seen on IIWF Saturday Night. SR: Petrow's a dangerous, dangerous man, Dross.  That Quigley just ain't ever gonna be safe as long as he's around.  He is a man on a mission.  A man with a plan.  The face that launched a thousand ships! Tippecanoe and Tyler too! TD: The other Champions, Tim Turner and the Lost Boyz, each held on to their respective belts, with wins over Icehawk and LFD respectively -- and I think you have to give a special commedation to young Icehawk, who proved to everyone that he will have a very bright future ahead of him in singles competiton. SR: Damn Finland.  First Borga and now ChickenHawk.  I don't know why these moron fans cheer that guy, Dross.  It's like they've never seen a shooting star press before.  Hey, let's roll the tape. [Cut to a grainy shot from the wrestling career of Steve Roberts.  The Soundbite, a much bulkier version that we see now, with a peculiarly developed musculature is gingerly moving to the top rope.  Roberts reaching the top buckle... and then stepping back to the apron as the shot fades.] TD: And that would be? SR: A Shooting Soundbite Press, Dross.  Didja see the height?  The majesty?  The breathtakingly overarching beauty as I flew through the air?  I'm a damn miracle of modern thermodynamics.  I've got space aged polymers.   I'm a floor wax... no... no, I'm a desert topping.  I'm a floor was... no, no, I'm a desert topping.  I am the Eggman, Dross -- and everything is Me. TD: You had some very interesting weight in those days.  Lot of gym time, Steve Roberts? SR: Absolutely.  I was 100% man made beefcake, just like every other great wrestler of the late 70's and early 80's... I was a naturally made Soundbite.  I drank a lot of milk.  I worked out six days a week.  And on Tuesdays, I'd shoot a growth hormone into my ass that would have killed small horses. TD: In other matches, the Meatman fought Deathbringer to a blistering double countout... Shadoe Rage scored a very narrow win over Tragedy with some aid from Edmund Fitzgerald... and the Subway Psycho and Tony Starks -- what about this, Steve Roberts -- the Subway Psycho and Tony Starks show up as a tag team and easily defeat the Machines as Simon O'Neal walks out on his partner Paul Wong. SR: A real geezer tag team.  That's what the AARP is all about, Dross, organizing the "calendar challenged" so they might be able to better impact legislation.  Aw, reminds me of my days as a page on The Hill working for Senator Howard Metzenbaum.  The long nights trying to get HR-362 passed... everyone, chant along with me... "HR-362...HR-362...HR-362!" [The fans, thoroughly confused but just as thoroughly intoxicated, burst into a chant of "Shoot, Soundbite! Shoot!"] SR: Morons. TD: It was Saturday Night folks, the last Saturday Night of 1997 -- and it's a night which will live in infamy! ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v v / | __| PREVIEW: |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| IIWF Snow Brawl: 17 January 1998 ....................................................................... [The shot cuts to a pre-taped studio piece. Tim Dross is sitting alone in IIWF Studio Three.] TD: Folks, we are less than three weeks away from the Winter Spectacular, lets take a look at the card as it currently shapes up: IIWF WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: Steve "the Fury" Kowalski vs. "Lone Wolf" Brody Thunder LADDER MATCH: "Enigma" Takezo Musashi vs. Ronnie Paris SNOW BRAWL SURVIVORS MATCH ALLIES COLLIDE: "Spotlight" Billy Shakespeare vs. Marty Warnett IIWF WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: Lost Boyz v. ? The Machines vs. Fabulous Ones TAG TEAM BATTLE ROYAL SNOW BRAWL TAG MATCHES TD: Folks, let's start at the top -- you all know about that big World Championship Tilt, which, in my opinion has doubled in intrigue with all that went down Saturday Night.  Can Brody Thunder become the first two-time champion in IIWF history?  Or will Steve Kowalski, one on one this time, be able to defeat Brody Thunder yet again?  It is a clash between two men who have arguably been the IIWF's top stars in 1997 -- and it will kick of 1998 in spectacular fashion! Also... also we have big singles matches between white hot rivals the Enigma and Ronnie Paris... as well as longtime friends Billy Shakespeare and Marty Warnett, who will be making his long-awaited return to the IIWF ring at Snow Brawl. Further, the Machines, who could hardly be in worse shape with the complete dissension between partners Wong and O'Neal, will finally meet the team that caused all that turmoil in the first place -- the Fabulous Ones. Then there are the big matches that make Snow Brawl so special... First let's talk about the tag team action.  Each tag team in the IIWF will meet in an over the top rope battle royal -- with the winning team moving on, later that same evening, to meet the Lost Boyz for the IIWF Tag Team Championships!  Also, we will see three Six Man Tags!  That's right, Mixed Tag Team Action that is the hallmark of Snow Brawl.  But this tag action has a twist -- immediately following the victory by one team... that winning team will then "turn on" each other in a triangle elimination match... meaning that only _one man_ from each team will survive. And oh, what a match we will then have.  The three survivors from the Snow Brawl matches will meet, later in the evening, in a Three Way Dance... with the Ultimate Winner being declared King of the Snow Brawl! It should be a tremendous night of wrestling action -- IIWF President Dan Spreadbury will announce all the Mixed Tag Matchups in a very special interview this Saturday Night. Plus... we will have the entire card for you one week from tonight on "Inside The IIWF" Every single IIWF Superstar will be on the card -- and it should be an exciting evening of action! Snow Brawl -- January 17... Only on Pay-Per-View! ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v v / | __| FIRST LOOK: |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| IIWF Wednesday War Room: 31 December 1997 ....................................................................... 1. Serge Annis vs. The Smooth [J] 2. Richard "Moxy" Blue vs. "Nifty" Ned Norton [J] 3. Down Boys vs. Barnacle Brothers [J] 4. Icehawk vs. Bobby B. Goode [J] 5. Ronnie Paris vs. El Super Gecko [J] 6. Subway Psycho & Tony Starks vs. The Rotundos [J] 7. Lord Byron vs. Scott "the Whine" Bloom [J] 8. NON-TITLE: "Quickstrike" Chris Quigley vs. "Mister Majestyk" Maurice McArthur [The shot cuts back to the Arm Bar, where Roberts appears to be chatting up a co-ed.] SR: No baby, Dross is the talker... I'm more of a cunning linguist. TD: And we're back. [Roberts returns to his seat, tucking a phone number in his pocket.] TD: A special New Year's Eve edition of the War Room coming your way tomorrow night. SR: Ain't gonna be much of a War, Dross.  More like Grenada than WWI. That's a lot of squashes for one night. TD: It is indeed a "unique" card coming your way this Wednesday Night, as superstars like Serge Annis... SR: Smooth is comin' to git' ya! TD: ...Moxy Blue... SR: Moxy's all alone now, Dross.  Rattling around that big ol' house of his.  No one to compliment him on his butt.  It's sad, Dross.  It's very, very sad. TD: ...the Down Boys... SR: Damaged Boys....Diver Down....Dirty Rotten Boys....Hot Diggity Damaged Boys.... I like 'em, Dross.  But I don't know who the hell they are. TD: ...Icehawk... SR: Roll the tape! [Another shot of Steve Roberts, this time ducking his head through the ropes and tapping a forefinger to his temple as his opponent grows more and more frustrated.] SR: Shooting Star Soundbite!  Learn it, Chickenhawk! TD: ...Ronnie Paris... SR: Special Forces in the Ho--use, Dross.  Me and Ronnie going all the way to the Top O' The Ladder!  And you know what, people? At Snow Brawl... when Ronnie meets that Korean guy... TD: Japanese. SR: ...I don't want to hear any more of these "Ronnie Sucks" chants. What I want to hear is the same chant every American wrestler for the last fifty years has heard when some Chinaman... TD: Japanese. SR: ...tried to beat him in a ladder match in front of his countrymen. "U-S-A!... U-S-A!... U-S-A!" [Some of the fans join Roberts in his jingoistic expression, others begin a "Ronnie Sucks" chant; still others begin to taunt Dross with the rejoinder "Show_your_toes!"] TD: Good Grief.  The Subway Psycho and Tony Starks. SR: Oy, my prostate! TD: The Legendary Lord Byron! SR: Aw, will he be meeting Bloom in a "Loser Leaves the JJS" Match? 'Cause that's all Byron will have left after that thumping the Butcher hung on him -- he's Wednesday War Bait.  TD: And, in the Main Event, Chris Quigley will meet Maurice McArthur in what is effectively the rubber match of their series. SR: He'll quit, Dross.  And I am gonna win the bet. TD: I've already picked the poem and bought the razor. That's the War Room, folks: tune in tomorrow for all the action! ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v v / | __| FIRST LOOK: |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| IIWF Saturday Night: 3 January 1998 ....................................................................... 1. IIWF Intercontinental Championship Match: "Quickstrike" Chris Quigley [c] vs. Duncan Macbeth 2. Lord Byron vs. The Meatman 3. Down Boys vs. Fabulous Ones 4. "Enigma" Takezo Musashi vs. Christopher Stonebreaker 5. "To Excess" Rick Williams vs. Ronnie Paris 6. Harlequins vs. Natural Predators 7. Tragedy vs. Edmund Fitzgerald 8. "Real Deal" Luke Steele vs. Richard "Moxy" Blue TD: Well, that big Intercontinental rematch is at the top of another great IIWF Saturday Night card.  Duncan Macbeth will finally get his hands on Chris Quigley. SR: The Scotsman better bring reinforcements, Dross... Quigley's a damn dirty player -- and he and Manning damn well have tricks up their sleeves. TD: Lord Byron will return to IIWF Saturday Night against the Meatman... the Down... er... the Down Boys will meet the Fabulous Ones... two big, big matches as The Enigma meets Christopher Stonebreaker and Rick Williams goes up against Ronnie Paris. SR: Meat!  Meat!  Meat!  And let me tell you one more time: when you see Ronnie Paris... or when you see that guy from Bangladesh... TD: Japan. SR: All I want to hear is "U-S-A!...U-S-A!...U-S-A!" TD: The Natural Predators get their hands on one of the many teams they've called out when they meet the Harelquins.  Another Harlequin -- Tragedy -- will get an opportunity to meet Edmund Fitzgerald... and in our opening match, the man with the Floating DDT... SR: Can't we give that move a damn name? TD: ...Luke Steele, will meet Richard "Moxy" Blue. It is going to be a tremendously exciting IIWF Saturday Night!  Don't miss a second! ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v v / | __| COMING FRIDAY: |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| Countdown to Saturday Night ....................................................................... TD: Folks, that's gonna end another "Inside the IIWF".  SR: Hey, wait!  Anyone know how the government creates money? [The familiar drunken, sleepy young man in the khaki pants raises his head and says, "The Federal Reserve Board buys U.S. securities via open market operations, allowing for commercial banking instituions to increase their level of checkable depositis, which are then loaned persuant to reserve requirement constraints to private consumers, whose spending is then followed by a subsequent deposit -- and the cycle continues, allowing for a direct growth of the M1 money supply." And then his head again slumps to the bar.  A large, fruit laden drink with an umbrella is placed in front of him.] SR: I love that guy.  A real girl drink drunk. TD: Be sure to tune into Larry Morton and Dave Bacon for all the action on the "Wednesday War Room"... SR: When are you gonna stop telling that guy Bacon what to say? TD: I've never met the man, Steve Roberts.  Then, on Friday, Victoria Von Edwards and Larry Morton.. SR: And a dozen guys named Macbeth... TD: ...will "Countdown to Saturday Night".  Followed by the finest two hours of weekly live wrestling anywhere in the world, IIWF Saturday Night! So... for Steve "Soundbite" Roberts and all of us here with "Inside the IIWF" -- I am Tim Dross, saying, goodnight, everyone! [Phil Collins' "I Don't Care Anymore" plays as a suddenly very weary looking Dross removes his earpiece and shakes his head slowly.  The Soundbite pats Dross on the top of the head... and then goes off to join the previously seen young woman as the shot and the music fade.] +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= I * I * W * F =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-+ | President: Daniel Spreadbury | Vice-President: Jim Jividen | | univ0322@sable.ox.ac.uk | brokeback@webtv.net | | iiwf@sisko.demon.co.uk | | +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- http://www.sisko.demon.co.uk -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=+