[Fade up on slow-motion, monochrome footage of hard-hitting IIWF action: Chris Quigley's face distorted into a grimace as he steps over and leans back, trapping an unfortunate opponent into his Quickstriker submission; Joe Petrow hitting his inverted face-first crucifix slam, the Knightmare, on a hapless victim; Brody Thunder hoisting an opponent into the air and dropping them with a vicious Widowmaker; and Steve "the Fury" Kowalski driving an unfortunate opponent's head into the canvas with his double underhook piledriver, the Skullpump. Over this footage comes a voice-over:] VO: In the arena of champions, there is but one aspiration, one dream that unites warriors from four walks of life. There is one hope, one desire that drives men to exceed their physical limitations, to demand ever more from their bodies. What is that desire? [Cut to footage of four IIWF superstars making their ring entrances: first comes "Sychosys" Joe Petrow, closely followed by "Mr. Majestyk" Maurice McArthur, steely determination painted across his face; cut to "Quickstrike" Chris Quigley appearing in the aisle, his wire-rimmed shades covering eyes that betray no emotion, flashbulbs popping on either side of the aisle as Quigley walks the aisle; cut to Steve "the Fury" Kowalski emerging from the entrance curtain, droplets of water bejewelling his skin as the rugged New Jersey Nightmare, dressed in his customary faded denim jacket, makes his way down the aisle, a grin on his face; finally, cut to the "Lone Wolf" Brody Thunder, the IIWF World Heavyweight Championship slung over his shoulder as he walks out into the glare of the spotlights, their brightness casting deep shadows over his face, already partially concealed by his trademark black stetson, pulled low over his face, his black leather vest worn over his powerful torso. The footage fades, leaving only an inky blackness. Over this silent stillness comes the voice-over:] VO: The desire to be the best. [Suddenly, a hard rock soundtrack kicks in, coupled with a fast-moving montage of recent events: Brody Thunder, dressed as Santa Claus, clocking Steve Kowalski with a candy cane, the candy shattering upon impact to reveal a crowbar hidden within; Joe Petrow, garbed in a referee's shirt, ordering the bell to be rung as Duncan Macbeth has Chris Quigley trapped in a Boston crab; Steve Kowalski hitting the Skullpump on Brody Thunder and pinning him; Steve Kowalski diving out of the way of a beaten-up truck driven by a bloody Brody Thunder in a parking lot; Joe Petrow and Chris Quigley side by side in the ring, Petrow with a stump puller locked in on Steve Manning, Quigley with the Quickstriker on Maurice McArthur; Thunder and Kowalski standing nose to nose in the squared circle...] VO: Tonight, there is no turning back. Tonight, there is but one chance for four men to prove just who is the best. Tonight, two men will rise to yet greater heights... and two men will fall. [Cut to snippets of comments made recently by the four warriors: cut first to Joe Petrow, standing in a dark, deserted studio:] JP: This time... there will be no excuses.  We WILL have an eye for an eye on Saturday Night, I promise you that! [Cut to a sweaty Chris Quigley, giving comments straight after a confrontation with his nemesis:] CQ: You are wrestling in this submission match with "Quickstrike" Chris Quigley.  A submission artist, and someone who has never, ever, _once_ given up in his entire career.  Think about that. [Cut to Brody Thunder, clad in street clothes, his eyes full of anger, his belt slung over his shoulder:] BT: When it's all said an' done, ain't but _one_ man gonna be able ta say he's the best in the flamin' world. That man's name... is Brody Thunder. Hope ya paid attention. [Finally, cut to Steve "the Fury" Kowalski, addressing the capacity crowd in the IIWF Coliseum from the centre of the squared circle:] SK: Win, lose or draw, we'll be carried from the ring. We may be permanently hurt, but I'll take that chance. There's nothing left to say... I'm tired of the talk. [The opening graphics explode onto the screen, accompanied by an explosive soundtrack:]                           ________      ______                           | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|                           | || | \ v  v / | __|                           |_||_|  \_/\_/  |_| @@@ @@ @@ @@@ @@ @@ @@@@ @@@@ @@@ @@ @@ @@ @@@@@ @@@ @@ @@@@@ @@ @@ @@@@@ @@ @@ @@@@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@@@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@@ @@@@ @@@@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@@@ @@ @@ @@@@@ @@@@@@@@ @@@@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@@@@@@ @@@@@ @@@ @@ @@ @@@ @@@@@@ @@@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@@@@ @@@@@ ________________________________________________________________________ \ / \ L I V E! Aloha Stadium, Honolulu, Hawaii L I V E! / / Saturday 17 January 1998 \ /______________________________________________________________________\ H + O + U + R O + N + E [The opening graphics fade through to interior shots of the jam-packed Aloha Stadium, a sea of more than fifty thousand clamouring fans bedecked in merchandise and waving their home-made signs opening up in front of the camera as the word "LIVE!" appears in one corner of the screen. In the centre of the arena is the raised ringside enclosure, a huge scaffolding column in each corner of the enclosure supporting the massive lighting rig above the ring, from which is also suspended a huge chain-link steel cage, and erected above which are four huge video screens, relaying the action to the fans too far away to see for themselves. The IIWF blimp circles above the crowd -- and there is suddenly a small "BANG" as its belly bursts open, and a flurry of artificial snow drops onto the screaming crowd. A volley of fireworks shoots up into the still balmy Hawaiian sky, drawing another huge pop from the fans. Over these shots comes the voice of Tim Dross:] TD: Welcome everybody to Honolulu, Hawaii! Welcome everybody to the magnificent Aloha Stadium on the campus of the University of Hawaii! Welcome to the home of the Rainbow Warriors, tonight the home of the mighty IIWF as we bring you the first pay-per-view spectacular of 1998! Welcome everybody... to Snow Brawl! [The shot cuts to the broadcast tables in the ringside enclosure, panning past the Japanese, Spanish, French and Guatemalan announce teams, finally coming to rest on the duo of Tim Dross and the bearded "Soundbite" Steve Roberts, both men bedecked in tuxedos.] TD: Howdy, folks, and thank you for joining us here on this historic night. More than fifty thousand excited fans are crammed into this wonderful facility to witness what is sure to be a truly unforgettable evening of wrestling action. I am Tim Dross, and beside me, as always, is my broadcast colleague and tag team partner, the hardest working man in the wrestling business, "Soundbite" Steve Roberts. SR: You forgot the part about the two and a half Grapple Awards, Dross. TD: My humblest apologies, Steve Roberts. We have an audience of millions of fans around the world, joining us live in such far-flung places as Germany, Great Britain, Japan and South Africa, and an extra special welcome to our great fans in Guatemala, joining us live for the first time tonight! SR: They have television in Guatemala now? TD: What action we have coming tonight, folks. You heard at the top of the show about our two huge headline matches -- and history will be made right here at Snow Brawl. Four men will settle their scores tonight: two will be propelled to greatness, and two will have to pick themselves up from arguably the hardest defeats of their careers. The tension here in the arena is already beginning to build -- and when it comes to those two huge matches in our third hour tonight, this place is going to come apart at the seams. SR: The fat lady's clearing her throat, Dross. The sun's gonna set on two careers right here tonight. Thunder's gonna be Skullpumped out of the IIWF for sixty days -- but who really believes he's gonna come back for more after that? And Quigley... he's gonna quit, Dross. TD: I can't even begin to imagine the repercussions of that Submission Match, Steve Roberts. Two man who have never submitted in their careers -- Quigley, the seasoned veteran, one of the finest Intercontinental Champions the IIWF has ever seen, and Petrow, a man as brilliant as he is crazy -- and tonight, one of them _will_ quit. There will be no outside interference, no tapping out, no excuses. For those of you who remember that legendary battle between Chris Quigley and the retiring Dan Kauffman back at Ring Wars III -- I believe that the Submission Match tonight will surpass that match in every way. SR: Damned right, Dross. Ain't no way Quigley's gonna get no squiggly-wiggly armbar on Petrow like he did on ol' "Lame Duck" Kauffman. Quigley's going down tonight, Dross. He's going down. TD: As much as those two tremendous matches are the subject of so much anticipation and speculation, we have two whole hours of other incredible action coming your way, live from the Aloha Stadium. We're going to see a tag team battle royal featuring every partnership in the IIWF, the winners going on to face the Lost Boyz later in our second hour for the IIWF World Tag Team Championship. We're going to see three Lethal Lottery matches, the three survivors going on to a triangle match to determine the King of Snow Brawl, who will win the opportunity to challenge any wrestler he chooses for the entire month of February. We're going to see two firm friends, Billy Shakespeare and Marty Warnett, battle it out. We're going to see Ronnie Paris and the "Enigma" Takezo Musashi in only the second Ladder Match in IIWF history... and, fans, you've got the best seats in the house. SR: But one thing you won't be seeing is me losing my beard, Dross. And there ain't gonna be no damned poetry getting read to Chris Quigley here tonight. TD: A bet's a bet, Steve Roberts -- and the world is watching. Before we get up to the ring for our opening Lethal Lottery match, let's go backstage to get comments from one of the hopefuls in this match -- former IIWF World Tag Team Championship co-holder, "Savage" Shadoe Rage. [Shadoe Rage stands before the camera, his cape spread wide covering the screen.  "The Enemy of the World" is written across the gleaming black sequins.  As he lowers his cape and twirls to face the camera, Marissa Monet is revealed behind him in a slick jumpsuit.  Her hair is tied back in a ponytail, the braids clacking as she moves.] SR: Ah-ha!  Yeah, from the school of the truth the Prophet of Rage is back!  Once again the infamous in the house.  And, Mr. Morton, it's time for me to walk that aisle.  So why don't you ask me the question that you've got to ask me and we can get this business over with. LM: Okay, Shadoe Rage.  What about this contest?  You're teamed against Edmund Fitzgerald and Tragedy, two potential superstars here in the IIWF.  They've also been mortal enemies for the past few weeks.  What about it?  Are you going to get along? SR: Ha, you're asking the tough questions right away.  What you're gonna see out there is organised chaos.  Disorganised order.  And in the heart of the madness that's where the Rage lives.  And what's my name? [He snaps his fingers, but when Morton doesn't answer fast enough -- which is to say, immediately -- Shadoe turns to Marissa.] SR: Ah, he can't hear me.  Tell 'em what my name is, love.  Tell 'em what my name is. MM: Shadoe Rage, the Snow Brawl champion. SR: Freak out!  Freak out!  That's the way of the world.  Tonight you see the future being born.  They talk about the horrors of a birth of a nation?  Well, tonight you're going to see the birth of the Rage.  The Angel of Death is coming and hell is coming with him!  Inspire me down the aisle, Marissa.  Inspire me down that aisle to victory!  Yeahhh!! [Shadoe Rage sweeps out, jawing with the camera, promising violence and blood. Cut back to ringside.] TD: What a way to kick off Snow Brawl! Under the blazing sun and surrounded by ecstatic fans we have our first Snow Brawl Mixed Tag Match! SR: I'm so hyped about seeing the Fury get the big belt and Quigley crying like a baby that I don't even mind all this tag action! TD: These matches have a lot at stake with the ultimate winner getting personal booking rights for the month of February! SR: So we could see match after match of Fitzgerald fighting with his own ego? TD: One thing we do have to announce about this first match is the last minute withdrawal of Ike Sampson. SR: Last minute withdrawal? Way to go, Ikey! TD: Apparently his incredible success in Japan has prompted him to extend his tour. SR: How can even the most success in Japan compare with the big show in the IIWF? This guy is off his rocker! TD: I don't know at this time who will be filling in for Sampson... let's go up to Sparkplug Lee to find out! ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v v / | __| SNOW BRAWL MIXED TAG MATCH: |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| Icehawk, Richard "Moxy" Blue, Ike Sampson vs. Edmund Fitzgerald, Tragedy, "Savage" Shadoe Rage ....................................................................... WRITER: Rusty Priske [Sparkplug Lee stands in the center of the ring, soaking in the Hawaiian sun of this beautiful Saturday. He finally starts his introductions.] SL: This is the first match in IIWF Snow Brawl 1998! [big pop] It is the first match in the Snow Brawl Mixed Tag Series! [another big pop] Introducing team number one... weighing in at a combined 405 pounds... TD: [over the headset] Is that right? SL: Hailing from Oulu, Finland... Icehawk! And Bayonne, Louisiana... Richard "Moxy" Blue! ["Olympic Fanfare" starts to play as the two men head down the aisle to a big pop from the fans. They are followed a few steps back by Blue's bodyguard, Stone.] TD: Apparently there hasn't been a replacement for Ike Sampson! Blue and Icehawk are going to fight short-handed! SR: Like that team wasn't short-handed enough! These guys are going to be roadkill once the Savage One gets in there! [Blue plays heavily to the fans as he gets in the ring while Icehawk maintains his composure, keeping a close eye on both Blue and Stone.] SL: And now introducing team number two... weighing in at a combined 748 pounds... hailing from Rogers City, Michigan... Edmund Fitzgerald! From Sleepy Hollow, Illinois... Harlequin Tragedy! And from Halifax, Nova Scotia... "Savage" Shadoe Rage! ["#1 Crush" by Garbage plays as the three men file into the aisle. Fitz comes out first, staring straight at the ring and not betraying any hint of nervousness. Tragedy follows, along with Comedy, looking like a child in comparison to the preceding Fitzgerald and the following Shadoe Rage, who walks alongside Marissa Monet.] TD: I can't envy the challenge facing Icehawk and Richard Blue here tonight! SR: They should just go home now at let us get on with the second part of the match! [Referee Chuck Sanders gets things all sorted out as Rage and Blue start for their respective teams.] SR: The little bouncy boy is going to get some of the spring knocked out of his step here pretty quick! [Rage grabs hold of Blue and tosses him across the ring like a limp rag doll he then flies through the air to stomp on his head...only to have Blue roll quickly out of the way.] TD: Shadoe Rage is very aggressive here tonight! SR: He probably realizes that if he gets a good grip on the jackrabbit, this match will be over! [Richard Blue is quickly on his feet and hits Rage with a dropkick, though Rage fails to go down.] SR: He can't hurt him! What can Blue do that Shadoe Rage can even feel? TD: Moxy Blue seems to be thinking much the same as he has tagged out to Icehawk. SR: Like this guy is going to fare any better! [Icehawk vaults onto the top rope and comes off with a spinning leg lariat, knocking Rage to the mat. He then snaps back up and throws himself into the ropes.] TD: A flying body block on Shadoe Rage! Icehawk is not letting up! A legsweep! He is just too fast for the bigger man! SR: Maybe so but it doesn't look like he's doing any damage! Rage is just living up to his name and getting mad! I wouldn't want to be the Finnish Fairy Fart when Shadoe gets really angry! [Rage gets to his feet and starts looking suspiciously like an angry bull. He charges right at Icehawk... who leapfrogs over the big man! Rage goes through the ropes under his own momentum.] TD: Shadoe Rage hits the floor... right at the feet of Stone! SR: There's your equalizer right there! He's the only one on that side of the ring that has any chance of taking down Shadoe! TD: It looks to me like Icehawk was doing a pretty good job! [Rage gets to his feet and finds himself looking right at Stone. The two of them stare for a few long seconds but Rage climbs back in the ring without incident.] SR: They just blew a golden opportunity! TD: That may be true -- but Rage just tagged in Tragedy. SR: I take back everything I said about not minding these matches. Gay guy alert! Tragedy vs. Icehawk! Give me a break! [The two men circle warily, looking for an opening. They lock up... and Tragedy goes flying over in a vertical suplex!] TD: Icehawk is continuing his advantage. These two certainly have history together... SR: I don't what to hear it! TD: In the ring, you degenerate! SR: Are you allowed to call me that? [Icehawk tags Blue and he vaults himself over the ropes with a leg-flip moonsault onto Tragedy. Blue then runs to the ropes and performs a True Blue, a springboard moonsault senton backsplash. Unfortunately for Blue, Tragedy had raised his knees and Moxy caught them right in the small of the back.] TD: What impact! A move like that could cause serious injury! SR: That would have improved the match a little bit... but not much. [Tragedy, still hurting from the moonsault heads over for the tag. Meanwhile, the hurt Blue reaches out and also manages to make the tag.] TD: Here it is! The one we've been waiting to see! SR: Stone and Marissa Monet? TD: Icehawk and Edmund Fitzgerald are in the ring! They're just standing there! [Fitzgerald looks at Icehawk, who is clearly ready to fight, thinks for a second then reaches back and tags in Shadoe Rage.] SR: Does Fitsimmons actually think he's doing his little buddy a favour here? He's letting him face off with a monster! TD: Icehawk held his own last time but...oh! A flying forearm from Rage has dropped Icehawk in his tracks! Rage picks up the smaller man... SR: He's putting him up on the top! He's going to put him away now! TD: Cradle Superplex! There is no way that Icehawk is going to kick out of that one! ONE! TWO! No! Icehawk is still alive! [Rage shakes his head in exasperation as he realizes that Icehawk is not yet finished. He pulls the smaller man to his feet, whips him into the ropes, and then...] TD: Tilt-a-whirl piledriver! Icehawk desperately needs a tag! SR: Look at that! Icehawk is reaches for the tag and Shadoe isn't stopping him! TD: He doesn't need to because Moxy Blue is in no condition to tag in! [Just then the massive Stone jumps on to the ring apron and reaches out for the tag. Chuck Sanders makes no motion to wave him off.] SR: Rockhead is trying to tag in! TD: Stone is Ike Sampson's replacement! Chuck Sanders seems to be aware of this and he's letting Stone tag in! [Rage had just tagged in Tragedy, letting someone else get some licks in, when they notice the addition of Stone. Tragedy sprints over but Icehawk reaches Stone first and then...] TD: Stone just clocked Icehawk! SR: Ha! I knew there would have to be at least one double cross in this bout! TD: And Moxy Blue seems to have been playing possum because he's on the top rope... Righteous Revival onto Icehawk! He's leaving the ring... Tragedy is slowly making the cover... ONE! TWO! THREE! The team of Tragedy, Shadoe Rage, and Edmund Fitzgerald are moving on to the next phase... wait! Fitzgerald is going after Blue and Stone! SR: The moron just eliminated himself! [That is exactly what has happened as Fitzgerald dove over the top rope onto the two men. Sanders calls for his elimination as he, along with a somewhat reviving Icehawk, battle the traitors all the way down the aisle.] TD: What a brawl! The match is still going however as Rage just levelled Tragedy with a clothesline! SR: One big tough bastard against one little patsy. That's a match! [Rage scoops up Tragedy but quickly has his legs swept out from under him. he then backs up and catches Rage when he rises with a superkick.] TD: Tragedy isn't letting this one go without a fight! One of these two men will move on to the survivors match later in the card! Who will it be? SR: Shadoe! Did you see him block that Dragon Suplex? Headbutt by the big man! [Rage drops a short series of leg drops onto the battered Tragedy. He then backs off and runs into the ropes with a flying leg drop.] TD: Tragedy still with the presence of mind to move away! Both men are up and Tragedy is running off the ropes himself! Spinning mule kick! SR: No! Shadoe caught him! TD: The big man turned the move into a tilt-a-whirl piledriver! Just like the one on Icehawk! Sanders makes the count! ONE! TWO! Rage has the tights! [Sanders calls for the bell: Ding! Ding! Ding!] SR: THREE! Shadoe Rage is moving on to the Survivors match! TD: A tainted victory for Shadoe Rage... SR: What do you mean, Dross?! He beat Blue and Hawk nearly single handedly and then did the same for Fitzgerald and Tragedy! TD: That's not the match I saw -- but we've got no time to dwell on it because there is a lot more action to come! IIWF Snow Brawl is kicking off 1998 with style! Let's go backstage now to roving reporter Dave Bacon, who is with one of the tag teams in the tag team battle royal scheduled up next -- the Subway Psycho and Tony Starks. Dave? [Cut backstage to announcer Dave Bacon, standing outside a closed locker room door.] DB: Thanks, Tim. I'm supposed to be talking to Tony Starks and the Subway Psycho right now. Their problems loom as a huge question over this team's ability to be sucessful in the battle royal tonight. [Bacon looks a bit mad at the fact that neither Starks nor the Psycho have shown up. He begins to walk down the hall to the dressing rooms. He comes to the door of the Psycho/Starks locker room, knocks on the door -- and the Psycho opens the door.] DB: Psycho, what _is_ going on with you and Starks? You guys seem to have had your problems. Some speculate that the problems are more deep rooted than you are letting on. SP: Problems? What the hell are you talking about, huh? Why the hell     can't you announcers ask about how Starks and I are the best team     in the IIWF now? DB: Pardon me, but I'm just doing my job... I need some comment, people want to know. [Starks now appears beside Psycho.] TS: The people want to know? You want a comment? DB: Yeah, that would be great. TS: Okay. [Starks slams the door in Bacon's face.] DB: What the hell? [he turns to face the camera] Back to you guys at ringside. [Bacon walks out of the frame, muttering. Cut back to the broadcast table at ringside.] TD: Thanks, Dave. I understand that we're now going to cut to another backstage feed for a special interview with Larry Morton. [The video transfers to Larry standing next to a wholesome-looking young man of about 12 years, wearing a t-shirt bearing the legend, "I went to Snow Brawl and all I got was this lousy t-shirt."  Billy Shakespeare stands beside him wearing a "This one's for Johnny!" shirt.] LM: I'm standing here with the lucky Johnny Jones who was picked by Billy Shakespeare to accompany him ringside in his match against Marty Warnett later tonight.  Where are you from, Johnny? JJ: Terre Haute, Indiana! SR: [over headset] I was once in Terre Haute... TD: [interrupting over headset] ...and it was the best weekend of your     life? SR: [over headset] Are you kidding?  It was terrible.  Have you ever been to Terre Haute?   The paper mill?  The creosote plant? LM: Billy Shakespeare.  Why did you chose this young Johnny over all the     others? BS: Larry, I thought he best typified the young spirit of the IIWF fans.     The ones who cheer daily from their living rooms then go to school the next day and argue over who's best.  Like the ghost of Hamlet's     father, that spirit has come to life in this young man... and its     warning is that we can't just turn our backs on the fans or they'll     turn on us.  Right, Johnny? JJ: Right, Billy. BS: And you can't turn your back on Marty Warnett or he'll hit you with a crutch. LM: How about that? BS: I still consider Marty a friend, and I want to shake his hand when     this is all over.  This is a matter of honor, of what the fans expect from Billy... and Marty... when one breaks a crutch over the other's back.  When this is all over, Marty can retire again. LM: Johnny, how have the other wrestlers been treating you? JJ: Just great, Larry.  Ronnie Paris signed my shirt, "Moxy" Blue combed     my hair.  Steve Kowalski gave me a shotglass to catch Brody Thunder's blood in.  Chris Quigley let me watch him lace his boots.      Joe Petrow gave me a used Q-tip.  Becky LaRue blew me a kiss. Serge     Annis stepped on my foot and Steve Roberts gave me an official     "Soundbite Industries" individually wrapped rubber novelty balloon.     This has been the greatest night of my life. LM: There you have it.  Back to you guys. [The view cuts back to the announce team.] SR: That was so wholesome I'm going to puke. TD: An official "Sounbite Industries" individually wrapped rubber novelty balloon? SR: If _this_ is the greatest night of the kids life, he's still got a     lot of loving and learning to do.  I thought he could use a little     help. TD: You're disgraceful SR: It pays the bills, my man.  It pays the bils. TD: That match between Billy Shakespeare and Marty Warnett coming up later this hour, folks. It promises to be a tremendous battle. Right now, it's time for our huge tag team battle royal. Close to twenty men will start in this over the top rope match, with the ultimate prize being a shot at the Lost Boyz later on tonight! This is going to be a wild, wild match -- so let's get up to Sparkplug Lee for the introductions! ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v v / | __| TAG TEAM BATTLE ROYAL |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| winner gets shot at IIWF World Tag Team Champions ....................................................................... WRITER: Mike Beeby [Eager for their unusual appearance on an IIWF pay per view, both the Rotundos and Barnacle Brothers already stand in the ring when Sparkplug Lee begins to make the announcements.] SL: Ladies and gentlemen, this next contest is a special 22 man tag team battle royal!  The winners of the match will receive a shot at the IIWF World Tag Team champions later this evening. [Huge pop] And now... introducing the teams involved in this match.  First, accompanied to the ring by Pizzazz and Medusa Rage, the team of the Dirt Dog Unique Allah and Derek Rage... THE PROPHETS OF RAGE! ["The Death March" starts up to a raucous heel pop, as the Prophets are the first team to walk down to the ring.  The Dirt Dog leads the way, taunting the crowd in his own way.  Derek Rage walks impassively to the ring.] SL: Next... Accompanied by Kuyler Greyson, the team of the Grey Pheonix and Bear... THE NATURAL PREDATORS! ["Destination Eschaton" by the Shamen interrupts the PoR's music, and the crowd releases a huge pop as Kuyler Greyson leads the Natural Predators down the aisle.  A slight pause as Greyson speaks to his team for a moment, and then the two men enter the ring.] SL: Next... Being led to the ring by Harlequins Comedy, Melody and Tragedy, the team of Terror and Chaos... THE HARLEQUINS! ["Mathematics of Chaos" comes over the PA to a mixed response, as the entire contingent of Harlequins slowly comes down the aisle.  The crowd buzzes as Terror and Chaos slip into the ring and look like they're about to start up a fight with the Predators, but contain themselves until the bell.] SL: Accompanied by Hootchiemama and Awesome T, the team of "Superstud" Adam Peterson and "Dazzling" Dan Oliver... THE DOWN BOYS! ["Ambitions of a Rider" by 2-Pac comes over the speakers, and the crowd groans as the Down Boys walk out, as usual dressed as Damage Inc.  Awesome T leads them out, and Hootchiemama walks in between Oliver and Peterson, an arm linked between each of them.  They enter the ring, and receive dirty looks from all of the other teams.] SL: Next... the team of Pale Ride and Easy Rider... THE HIGH PLAINS DRIFTERS! [The theme from "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly" comes on, and the crowd again gives a mixed response as the team known as the High Plains Drifters makes their way to the ring.] SL: Now introducing the team of TONY STARKS, AND THE SUBWAY PSYCHO! ["C.R.E.A.M." by the Wu-Tang Clan begins, and Tony Starks walks down the aisle to the ring alone.  The crowd boos Starks, not that he notices.  Only when Starks enters, "Crazy Train" by Ozzy Osbourne starts to play and the Psycho makes his way to the ring.  Sasha walks with him, and stands at ringside.] TD: The Lost Boyz won't be in the match as they are already the tag champions, and added to the fact that the Machines and Licensed for Devastation have also broken up, we're short just a couple of teams. [The Alan Parsons Project track "Sirius" begins playing.] SL: Next... led to the ring by the newest member of Team Sychosys... THE DUCK SAVIOR!  The team of "Mr. Majestyk" Maurice McArthur and "Sychosys" Joe Petrow... TEAM SYCHOSYS! [With that, Joe Petrow and Maurice McArthur emerge from the back, dressed as they were earlier for the McArthur/Quigley match, a serious, determined look as they walks to the ring -- and Petrow holds a small black duck, gently yet firmly, with both hands.] TD: Petrow's on his own here, Steve Roberts -- McArthur has apparently has his knee patched up, but he's unable to wrestle in this match. Nonetheless, Joe Petrow wants to defend his unbeaten record in battle royals. SR: Only Crazy Joe would regard one win in a battle royal as a record, Dross. But what's with the duck? TD: An inside joke, so I'm told. [As they reach the ringside area, Petrow slowly, majestically raises the duck high over his head, awaiting a pop as he turns a slight 360 to give everyone in the crowd a good view.  Then, he throws the duck straight into the air:] DS: kwak! [With that, the Duck Savior flies up and out of the arena, beginning the long journey back to Parts Unknown.] SR: That's one strange bird. TD: I didn't notice anything out of the ordinary about the Duck Savior. SR: I didn't mean the Duck Savior. [4M climbs into the crowd, amongst the Sychopaths, while Petrow climbs into the ring.] TD: I think this means the injuries suffered by 4M on the Free For All are going to keep him out of the match. SR: That's a shame. SL: And finally... Accompanied to the ring by Ms. Miki, the team of Agito Nakajima and Sho Satsuma... THE FABULOUS ONES! [As "Kiss of Death" by Dokken starts up, the crowd begins to deliver a huge heel pop.  The heel pop intensifies when the Fabs walk out, accompanied not only by Ms. Miki but also by Paul Wong, formerly of the Machines.] TD: Oh my, this could be interesting.  That's Paul Wong with them, but I wonder where Simon O'Neal is.  This is sure to be a fantastic match between the top tag teams in the IIWF. SR: You think it's gonna be a match, Dross?  Have you been sipping a few too many pina coladas?  It's gonna be a war, end of story.  And here we go, it's the tag champs! [As the bell is about to ring to start the match, "Ambitions of a Rider" by 2-Pac starts up once more to a huge heel pop.  The Lost Boyz, Eddy Ramos and Alex Porteaux, walk from the locker rooms and take up a position in the middle of the aisle, eager to watch but not to compete.  Before the bell even rings, Tony Starks and the Subway Psycho leap into action, pummeling each other strangely enough.] TD: They're already going at it, and they're team-mates! SR: Not anymore Dross!  Consider that tag team history. TD: Well, of the twenty-two men scheduled to be in there, we've got seventeen.  That's not bad, considering that of the twenty-four, two of the teams have broken up. SR: You've forgotten 4M.  Petrow's in there by himself, and as good as he is, even the Rotundos could use a two on one advantage to take him out. [Inside the ring, Joe Petrow is closest to the announcers and hears the comments, glaring at Roberts.  As the bell rings to start the match, everyone involved goes right to work.  The Harlequins and Natural Predators square off,  Chaos tackling Grey Pheonix and Bear locking up with Terror. Petrow walks around the ring, slipping in between brawls, and grabs one of the Rotundos -- in a battle royal it's impossible to keep track of which is which -- taking him out of a staredown with Seadog of the Barnacle Brothers and flips him over the top rope to the floor.] TD: Well, our first elimination already, and I believe that was a point made for your benefit, Steve Roberts. SR: What, should I applaud?  Way to go Petrow, you really know your JJS members.  You tag with one, and eliminate another. [Petrow grins at Roberts and then walks across the ring, randomly laying an elbow into people.  Sho Satsuma and Agito Nakajima work Derek Rage of the Prophets over, Agito holding his arms behind his back and Sho rapidly kicking him in the chest with savate kicks.  Outside the ring, Paul Wong stands with Ms. Miki, cheering the Fabs on.  And then an odd sight for the fans as three men are unceremoniously dumped to the floor at the same time, as Bluto is dropkicked out by the Dirt Dog Unique Allah, the Fabulous Ones execute a double elbowsmash on the last remaining Rotundo, and the Natural Predators cause the inadvertant elimination of Seadog when Terror of the Harlequins mows them down with a double clothesline, knocking both into Seadog.] TD: Wow, another three are gone!  I never expected four men to be history a couple of minutes into this. SR: Give it up Dross, you put down one minute in the company pool to see how long they'd last. TD: Well, how long did you say, Steve? SR: Let's just say you're looking at the winner. [Unique Allah charges to his partner's rescue, wrenching Sho Satsuma to the mat with a Russian legsweep, and then poking Agito in the eye.  Derek Rage leans on the ropes for a second, but then goes right back to work, kicking Agito in the midsection until the larger Fab is on the mat and then he tries to kick him out of the ring under the ropes.  Starks and the Psycho continue to try and choke each other out, each man with his hands wrapped around the other's throat.  Each member of the High Plains Drifters, until this point not really into the action, just watching the other teams, tries to break the two up, and are each taken to the floor with a huge swinging punch from both Starks and the Psycho.  The two go back to their personal war, not concerned with anyone else.] SR: Damn, that's gotta hurt! TD: We're down to eleven men. [Chaos of the Harlequins picks Sho Satsuma up in a fireman's carry and spins him around before dropping him with a samoan drop, and as he tries to stand, Agito Nakajima levels Chaos with a massive boot to the face.  Bear meanwhile walks around the ring grabbing people by the hair and using bearhugs on them, but not letting them last long enough to do much damage, just wind them.  Everytime he lets go, the Grey Pheonix is able to smash the person in the back with a forearm smash, but as Bear grabs Adam Peterson, the Lost Boyz move from their spot at ringside and enter the ring, stalking up behind the Grey Pheonix.  As the Pheonix catches Peterson with a forearm shot, Eddy Ramos grabs the Pheonix in a front facelock and Alex Porteaux does likewise with Peterson, and both climb over the ropes and drop to the floor, taking both men with them to a loud pop.] TD: The tag team champions have eliminated two of the guys that have been calling them out for weeks -- we're down to one Down Boy and one Natural Predator! SR: How many is that altogether, Dross? TD: That'd be nine, Steve. [The Lost Boyz walk back up the aisle to a tremendous heel pop, apparently finished with the battle royal.  Peterson starts to walk behind them, trying to catch up to the champions.  The Grey Pheonix takes up a place next to Kuyler Greyson, still intent on cheering his partner on to victory. Harlequin Terror jumps on the back of Natural Predator Bear, in a half sleeper/half chokehold manoever.  Bear backs him into the corner and crushes him up against the turnbuckle, but Chaos manages to fly at Bear and sqaush him, even though it worsens the effect to his partner.  Bear stumbles out and is tripped up by Chaos, allowing a still very woozy Terror to climb to the middle turnbuckle and come down with a kneedrop into the small of the back.  Chaos stands by over Bear, distracted to the fact of an oncoming Derek Rage, who sends Chaos out to the floor with a running lariat.  Terror takes offense to that and stands, but as he stands face to face with Derek Rage, Bear rises and holds Terror over the top rope in an atomic drop, but releases him and causes him to land on top of Chaos.] TD: The Harleys are gone! SR: Where is Petrow's head, he's hardly touched anyone! [Joe Petrow continues to manoever through the brawls, throwing an errant elbow but not much else as Starks and the Psycho battle on, Bear and Derek Rage now hook up in a battle of the big men, and the Fabulous Ones watch as well from another corner.  However the Fabs go after Petrow and try to doubleteam him, lifting him up and executing a double bodyslam on the leader of the Sychopaths.  Bear and Derek Rage trade momentous shots to the head, while the Fabulous Ones are pulled off of Joe Petrow by, of all people, the Dirt Dog!  Allah picks Agito Nakajima up and executes a standing dropkick, then catches Sho Satsuma with a flying forearm.  Petrow rises to his feet, and he and Allah stand back to back, defending against the Fabs. Each of the Japanese wrestlers fall away, and Petrow turns around first, quickly followed by Allah.  Upon realizing their hatred for each other, they begin to brawl with each other, but a rake of the eyes by Petrow frees him up to assist Bear and the tandem of Starks and the Psycho eliminate the monster known as Derek Rage.  Starks proves the alliance to be volatile once more as he grabs the Psycho by the head and heaves him over the top rope, but the Dirt Dog regains his eyesight in time to flip Starks out as well.] TD: The eliminations are really going fast now, we've just seen three more men eliminated.  We are down to six men: the Dirt Dog Unique Allah, the Fabulous Ones, Joe Petrow, Bear of the Natural Predators, and Dan Oliver of the Down Boys. SR: That's Damage Inc. TD: Whatever. [Dan Oliver is the first to make a move on Bear, now the largest man in the ring.  Bear catches him in the midst of a cross bodyblock and turns it into a fallaway slam easily, then grabs the Dirt Dog by the throat and grabs him in a chokelift.  His legs are taken out from under him by the Fabulous Ones in a double clip, but the Fabs have bigger problems to worry about as one of the Machines, the other one, rushes to the ring and enters.] TD: SIMON O'NEAL!  THAT'S SIMON O'NEAL! SR: What's he doing out here?! I thought the Machines went the way of Potato Famine! [O'Neal grabs Sho Satsuma first and starts to pound his head into the turnbuckle, as the crowd counts along -- 1 -- 2 -- 3 -- 4 -- 5 -- 6 -- 7 -- 8 -- 9 -- 10!  Sho hits the mat, and O'Neal catches Agito off guard with a reverse crescent kick to the jaw.  O'Neal sees his former partner standing at ringside and immediately leaps over the top rope, landing directly in front of Paul Wong.  The former partners go nose to nose, until the Fabulous Ones leap over the top rope in a double suicide dive, both hitting O'Neal with great force.  The Fabs pummel O'Neal until he becomes motionless, and then walk up the aisle with Ms. Miki following closely beside them. Paul Wong stares at the battered, unconscious form of Simon O'Neal, and then, to a disappointed crowd pop, leaves, trailing behind the Fabs.] SR: I don't believe it, the really gay guy left the gay guy still in the closet high and dry. TD: We're down to four men, and no full teams left.  Each represents a separate tag team, talk about a tension filled situation. [Now four men stand in the ring, each watching the other three from a neutral corner.  They all walk into the middle of the ring and choose up sides, as the Dirt Dog begins to rattle Dan Oliver's cage and Joe Petrow stands up to Bear, ducking a swinging punch and delivering rapid kidney shots.  The crowd goes berserk, and again Petrow and Allah team up to work on Bear, after Dan Oliver is laid out on the mat.  A double whip into the ropes leads to a double backdrop, but once again Petrow's relationship with the Dirt Dog breaks down and he begins to fire away with punches to Allah's head.  The Dirt Dog staggers into the corner, where Petrow begins laying in multiple mounted punches.  Sensing an opening, Dan Oliver struggles to his feet and climbs up behind Petrow, grabbing him in a reverse DDT style hold, then falling backwards and suplexing Petrow ackwardly, so that Sychosys lands on his stomach.  Allah charges out of the corner and legdrops Joe, then he and Dan Oliver lift Petrow up and try to push him out to the floor. Bear stands and surveys the situation, then assists the two men in trying to eliminate Petrow.] TD: Joe Petrow is on the verge of going over the edge... SR: How many times have we said that? TD: Wait, look!  Here comes Maurice McArthur! SR: That's 4M to you, Dross. [Limping badly as a result of the Free For All matchup, McArthur emerges from the Sychopaths at ringside and rolls gamely into the ring, then takes a running start and leaps at Unique Allah, taking the Dirt Dog as well as himself out to the floor.  The pressure off, Joe Petrow drops to the mat as Bear and Dan Oliver let go to avoid falling out of the ring themselves.] SR: He did it, the scrub saved Petrow! TD: But he eliminated himself at the same time, Steve. SR: Doesn't matter, Petrow's got as good a chance as the other two now. [The tandem of Dan Oliver and Bear continue to work, kicking a still down Petrow in the ribs before lifting him up and setting him up agains the ropes.  They back up and come at him full speed with a double clothesline, but Petrow ducks and pulls the top rope down with him, causing the final two eliminations of the match.] TD: I DON'T BELIEVE IT, PETROW WINS! SR: How about that, Dross? The lunatic comes away with the chance at the tag champions, I can't believe it! SL: Ladies and gentlemen, here is your winner of the tag team battle royal... "SYCHOSYS" JOE PETROW! [The ringside full of Sychopaths explode with thunderous cheers, as Petrow climbs to the middle turnbuckle and celebrates, his arms raised in a sign of victory.  At the same time on the other side of the ring, 4M is victimized by a Prophets of Rage attack, and Derek Rage slings the spunky JJS member over his shoulder and walks out with him.] TD: Oh my! The Prophets have kidnapped Maurice McArthur! SR: Petrow's got no idea.  He just thinks he's won, and 4M is safe! [Petrow turns around to see his partner carried off, and stares in disbelief.  The giant video screen flickers to life, as we see a live shot of the parking lot area, where the Prophets burst onto the scene.  Medusa Rage opens the back door of a Lincoln Continental as Derek Rage stuffs 4M into the backseat, and Allah climbs in with Pizzazz and Medusa, while Derek goes around to the other side and gets in the driver's seat.  The car speeds off as Petrow jumps out of the ring and up the aisle, after his partner, disappearing through the entrance.] TD: Joe Petrow wins the battle royal, but he could have just lost his partner! SR: I think 4M might be in a world of trouble, at least until his body learns not to resist the alchy-hol. TD: You're disgusting, Steve Roberts.  Fans, if we get any word on this situation, we'll keep you informed. I have no idea what this means for the Tag Team Championship match coming up later tonight -- but I'm sure the ever-resourceful Special Concerns Committee will think of something. Okay, folks, right now let's go to some pre-recorded comments from the new IIWF Cruiserweight Champion -- a man who is apparently your new best friend, Steve Roberts. SR: Damned right, Dross. Ronnie Paris is the bestest friend a guy could ever have. U-S-A! U-S-A! TD: Ronnie Paris will, of course, be facing the "Enigma" Takezo Musashi in what may be the final match of the series we have seen between these two tremendous athletes -- and it will be a Ladder Match! Let's go to Ronnie's comments: [Cut to pre-recorded footage, captioned, "Last Wednesday." Ronnie Paris stands alone on a seemingly secluded beachfront, the waves pounding against the shore as a beautiful sunset illuminates the scene with pink light. In short, it looks like the ideal setting for the big love scene in an Annette Funicello movie. Suddenly, the serenity is broken as a frisbee flies overhead, a golden labrador retriever in hot pursuit. The dog's leap crosses up Paris, and almost causes him to fall over into the surf. He immediately lets loose a string of invective.] RP: JESUS CHRIST! SOMEONE GET COTROL OF THAT GOD DAMN DOG! I OUGHTA KICK     THE HELL OUT OF THAT THING!!! [The screen very abruptly goes black, soon to be replaced by the words "Take Two". The scene opens to show Paris standing in the same spot, the sun a smidge lower, with the only real change being a massive "No Dogs Allowed!" sign that Paris is leaning on. He begins to speak with an obviously fake, car salesman-type smile on his face.] RP: Ladies and gentlemen, I take great pleasure as the Cruiserweight     Champion of the World in representing my nation, much like many American athletes before me. I see in myself the same fire that burned in the eyes of heroic atheltes like Jesse Owens, the great men of the "Miracle on Ice" Olympic hockey team, the incomparable Carl Lewis... heck, without any undue melodrama I think you can compare my sacrifice and efforts for this great U S of A to those of our revolutionary forefathers. I ought to be on money... that's right, ask your congressman to get that lazy wooden-toothed Washington off the dollar and get Ronnie Paris in where he deserves! [Slight pause as several snickers can be heard off camera. Paris can obviously hear them, but he's straining to ignore them. The laughter dies down, and he continues on with his diatribe.] RP: But enough about me, as if you _could_ get enough about me! I want to talk about me, a foreigner, a title and a ladder. I want to talk     about fifty-two thousand plus screaming American fans, residents of the best country on God's green earth, cheering me on as I send Takezo Musashi and his wonton kami tami, or whatever he's calling it this week, back to the land of sushi, sumos, and cars without any muscle. I want to talk about what I hear every week, my legions of fans chanting "U-S-A!" at the top of their lungs. I want to talk about being a patriot. [Paris stops to wipe away a mock tear, becoming all "misty-eyed" at thought of representing his beloved homeland. He waits a second, as if waiting for a cue, and begins to become visibly impatient. He taps his foot nervously, waiting... waiting... and finally, a man in a replica WWI doughboy uniform hurriedly rushes out into the shot, heading right for Paris.] "SOLDIER": Me and the boys in 55th Company just wanted to say how inspiring your example is while we butt heads with Kaiser Bill. RP: [angrily] Idiot! You got this guy the wrong damn costume! That bit     was supposed to be next week... [suddenly composing himself] Yes,     well, I try. Good luck, soldier. [GI Underpaid Actor walks out of the scene mumbling to himself about an agent, as Paris tries to go on and ignore the last little snafu.] RP: Well, let me just say my entrance at Snow Brawl is going to be as     patriotic as it can get, right down to having picked out the perfect     song. I know how pumped up my fans can get, and I'm going to milk that for everything it's worth... just you wait and see! [The shot holds for a few seconds as Paris tries to keep up his forced smile, and finally fades. Cut back to the broadcast table at ringside.] TD: Unbelievable, Steve Roberts. SR: Don't forget, morons, I want to hear each and every one of you chanting "U-S-A! U-S-A!" when my pal Ronnie Paris comes out here to beat that Korean guy later on. TD: Takezo Musashi is Japanese, Steve -- and boy, what a battle it's going to be when Paris defends his newly-won Cruiserweight Championship against Musashi in that Ladder Match later on tonight. Right now, however, let's get to our next match. It's the second of our big Lethal Lottery tag team matches -- and Sparkplug Lee is ready with the introductions! ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v v / | __| SNOW BRAWL MIXED TAG MATCH: |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| Lord Byron, Meatman, Charles Scheffield vs. "Real Deal" Luke Steele, Deathbringer, Christopher Stonebreaker ....................................................................... WRITER: Mike Sonby [As Lee enters the ring, a group of fans hold up a huge sign that reads "SPREADBURY FEARS SPARKPLUG".  Lee laughs nervously, then tries to salute the fans, only to bang the microphone against his forehead, causing a loud bump to be heard in the Aloha Stadium.] SL: Ow! [then, rubbing his head]  This next match is a mixed tag match!  Two teams of three men will fight it out until one fall is counted.  Then, the three men from the winning team will enter a triangle match until one man remains.  And now, introducing team number one: from Lordship, Connecticut, weighing 231 pounds, here is CHARLES SCHEFFIELD. [Beethoven's "Für Elise" begins to play, and Scheffield walks into the stadium.  He runs his hand through his blond hair and stares straight ahead towards the ring, only giving a brief nod to the fans in attendance.  He walks to the stares and enters the ring, only then raising his arms to accepts the crowd's cheers.] SL: His partner, from Lancashire, England, but currently residing in New Orleans, Louisiana, weighing 265 pounds, led by the Lady DeWinter, the former Intercontinental Champion... LORD BYRON! ["Intermezzo" from Karelia Suite plays throughout the stadium, and the Lord and his Lady enter the stadium to a huge response from the crowd of 52,000.  Byron and DeWinter are easily the best-dressed wrestlers today, as Byron wears black trousers and a white shirt, and walks to the ring with his brassed-topped cane, while DeWinter wears a flowing white gown. Byron hops up to the apron and holds open the ropes for Lady DeWinter to enter the ring, then shakes hands with Sheffield.] TD: Lord Byron, easily the most experienced man... SR: Be quiet, Dross.  Meatguy's here! SL: And the third member of team one, from Emeryville, California, weighing 274 pounds, here is JIMMY "THE MEATMAN" STEELE! ["Intermezzo" ends, and suddenly the sound of an engine is heard throughout the arena.  The dock doors open up, and a truck comes through.  The truck reads HAWAIIAN BUTCHERY on the side.  The trucks pulls up to ringside, and the driver hops out, goes around to the back, and opens up the back door of the truck.  Out steps Jimmy Steele, who grins as the fans chant...] SR: Meat! Meat! Meat! Meat! Meat! TD: Thank you, Soundbite.  But what is that on Jimmy Steele?  He's covered with something... some type of liquid all over his body. SR: That ain't a liquid, Dross.  Take a whiff, and think hot dogs. TD: [sniffing the air]  That's... Pig Lard!  Jimmy Steele is covered with Pig Lard!  SR: I love it!  The Meatman's covered in grease, and he's ready for a Luau! [Steele enters the ring shakes his hand both of his partners, who accept very reluctantly.  He heads over to give the Lady DeWinter a hug, but she suddenly decides to watch the match from the outside of the ring. Before Steele can mess up anyone else, Hank Williams, Jr. starts up.] SL: And introducing team two... hailing from Lafayette, Louisiana, and weighing 265 pounds, here is CHRISTOPHER STONEBREAKER! [The country boy walks out in full black tights to an appreciable pop from the crowd, and jumps on the apron.  Being outnumbered three to one, he stays on the apron and waits for his partners.] SL: His tag team partner, hailing from Cleveland, Ohio and weighing 275 pounds, is the "REAL DEAL", LUKE STEELE! ["I am the Man" by the Philosopher Kings starts up, and the crowd boos for the first time in the match as Luke Steele walks out with a cocky grin on his face.  He enters the ring and points directly at Lord Byron, then draws a finger across his throat and laughing before heading over to his corner.] SL: And the final man for team number two, hailing from the Dark Side, wearing 324 pounds, the former IIWF World Champion... here is DEATHBRINGER! ["I am the Man" is replaced by "Scythe, Rage, and Rose", and the Blind Guardian leads Deathbringer into the ring.  Even in the sunlight of the Hawaiian outdoor stadium, Deathbringer has an aura of darkness about him.  Deathbringer also receives the cheers from the fans, but unlike his partners, he chooses to ignore them completely.  The Blind Guardian and Deathbringer enter the ring, and 'Bringer nods at his partners silently.] TD: An even matchup.  One former World Champion on one team... and one former Intercontinental champion on the other. [Ding! Ding! Ding! Up until now, no one has made a move.  But as the bell rings, all six men rush at each other.  Lord Byron and Luke Steele immediately start trading fists.  On the other side of the ring, Christopher Stonebreaker is locked up with Charles Scheffield, and shoving him back to the corner.  And in the middle of the ring, Deathbringer and the Meatman are pounding each other.] SR: Tenderize the Dead guy! TD: I see you're not biased in this match. SR: Look in the ring, Dross.  You've got Lord Byron and the dead guy, who are empty shells of their former greatness.  You've got Stonefield and Scheffbreaker -- or whoever they are -- the two new guys, and I'm not impressed with them so far.  You know there's problems when the second best bet in the ring is Luke "I dig Emma Peel" Steele.  Of COURSE I'm going with the Meatman.  [At that, the Lil' Soundbiters begin another round of "Meat... Meat... Meat!" chant, while the referee finally starts to create some order.  Stonebreaker and Sheffield are broken up, and sent back to the corner.  Luke Steele and Lord Byron tumble out of the ring and continue their brawl, and the referee indicates that the Meatman and Deathbringer are the legal men in the ring.  Meatman nails Deathbringer with a kick to the ribs, then sets up for an early Meat Hook that Deathbringer ducks under.  'Bringer runs off the ropes and clotheslines the Meatman, sending him crashing to the mat.] TD: Deathbringer showing his experience over the Meatman.  Outside the ring, Luke Steele has Lord Byron in trouble! SR: Forget the outside brawl... go, Meatguy! [Indeed, Luke Steele shows a tremendous amount of strength by gorilla pressing Lord Byron above his head, then dropping him, causing Byron's throat to land on the steel guardrail.  Byron rolls around on the ground clutching his throat as referee Earl Alfonso leaves the in-ring action to order Steele back to his corner.  In the ring, Deathbringer drops an elbow on Meatman, then brings him up and whips him to the ropes.  On the rebound, Deathbringer grabs the throat of the Meatman...] TD: Meatman slips out!  Deathbringer couldn't hold on to Meatman with all of that pig lard on his body, and escaped the chokeslam! SR: Grease!  The Meatman's brilliant!  [Pause]  You know, I was covered with grease once... [The Lil' Soundbiters, hearing their hero, all raise their beers and chant in unison...] LS: BEST WEEKEND OF MY LIFE! SR: My people... my morons.  I love 'em. [Deathbringer tries to lift Meatman up, but Jimmy Steele holds onto the ropes, then lifts the former champion up.  He takes three steps, then plants Deathbringer with a powerslam by his corner, followed by a one-count from the referee.  Meatman reaches up and tags in Charles Scheffield, then holds Deathbringer as Sheffield comes off the ropes with an axehandle.  Scheffield gets Deathbringer in a headlock, but Deathbringer whips Scheffield into the ropes.  On the rebound, Scheffield goes for a high-cross bodyblock, but Deathbringer catches him, then drops him with a slam.  He drops a leg across Scheffield, then tags out to Stonebreaker.] TD: Christopher Stonebreaker taking on Charles Scheffield. SR: Yeah, there's a lot of CS in the ring right now. TD: Somewhere, there's an internet junkie drinking a coke and reviewing the pay-per-view, screaming, "LINE OF THE NIGHT! LINE OF THE NIGHT!" right now. [Stonebreaker gets into the ring just as Scheffield is getting up, but a right hand but Stonebreaker sends him back to the mat.  Stonebreaker then grabs Scheffield in a front facelock, and tries for a suplex.  He lifts him up, but Scheffield pivots around to land on his feet behind Stonebreaker, the legsweeps the bigger man and spins around, catching Stonebreaker in a hammerlock on the mat.] TD: This is a classic brawler vs. technician matchup.  SR: I like the brawlers better.  They're more willing to spill blood. [Stonebreaker gets to his feet, but Scheffield continually applies more pressure to Stonebreaker's arm.  Stonebreaker finally swings around with an elbow that catches Scheffield in the head and forces him to release the hold.  Shaking his arm, Stonebreaker bounces off the ropes and nails Scheffield with a left forearm shot.  Scheffield responds with a European uppercut, then grabs Stonebreaker in a headlock, only to be back suplexed for his troubles.  Scheffield then tries to whip him into a neutral turnbuckle, but is reversed, and caught with a running kneelift by Scheffield, who tags out to Lord Byron.] TD: Listen to the response for his Lordship! SR: ZZZzzzzz....  TD: Very funny, Steve. SR: I'll tell you what isn't funny.  One year ago, this was the most dominating wrestler in the IIWF.  He took on the best, and he beat the best.  And now here he is losing to the likes of Luke Steele and not even approaching his former glory. TD: I will admit that Byron has had a rough time.  But he is still capable of accomplishing a tremendous amount when it is called for. Remember, this is the man who beat Otto Verhoeven to drive the "Butcher" from the IIWF. SR: Don't remind me... [wipes a tear from his eye] [Lord Byron and Stonebreaker lock up, and Byron snaps on a headlock. Stonebreaker shoves him into the ropes, and backdrops Byron on the return.  As Byron stands, Stonebreaker charges for a clothesline, but Byron ducks underneath, then spins around, grabs Stonebreaker from behind, and delivers an atomic drop.  A Byron clothesline sends Stonebreaker to the mat, but an elbow misses, and Stonebreaker rolls over to tag in a partner.] TD: Luke Steele is in the ring!  Steele and Byron have battled many times in the past few months. SR: Yeah... and Steele's been kicking Byron's ass all over the ring. Byron better hide now, before he gets hurt. [Steele grins as he enters the ring, and flexes at his opponent.  An enraged Byron greets him with a standing dropkick, then starts pummeling Steele with a series of fists.  The larger Steele starts fighting back, and soon is winning the brawl... until an eyerake by Byron stops Steele in his tracks.  A boot to the stomach by Byron leads to a neckbreaker for a one count.  Byron then grabs Steele's ankle and tags in Scheffield, who climb to the top turnbuckle and lands an elbow on the back of Luke Steele.  Scheffield then starts to pick up Steele, but is caught by a shot to the throat, and tags out to...] TD: Here comes the Meatman!  Steele vs. Steele in the ring! SR: I swear, if you say anything about long-lost brothers, I'm going to go postal, Dross. [Luke Steele and Jimmy Steele stare eye-to-eye as the crowd starts to cheer louder.  Then, Luke Steele suddenly sticks out his hand.  The Meatman seems unsure how to respond, but slowly reaches out and shakes his opponent's hand... and Luke Steele lets go.  The two men lock up, and Jimmy Steele soon pushes Luke into the corner.  The referee calls for the break... and gets a clean one.  Luke applauds the "Meatman".] SR: You're being suckered here, Meat.  Don't drop your guard. [Another lockup, and this time it's Luke with the advantage, taking the Meatman over with a headlock.  Meatman shoves him into the ropes, and Luke tags out as he bounces off the ropes, then ducks under a Meatman clothesline.  Luke stops in his track and holds out his hand again. Meatman, still with a wary look, shakes it again... and is completely caught unprepared by the bulldog from Christopher Stonebreaker.] SR: No!  I said it was a trap. TD: Jimmy Steele showing his inexperience there, as Luke Steele used their former partnership to his advantage.  Now Stonebreaker whips Meatman to the ropes... a thunderous powerslam! [A cover only earns a two count, but Stonebreaker is quick to follow it up with a gutwrench suplex, then a whip to the ropes.  Stonebreaker tries to lift Meatman up in a sidewalk slam, but the lard again proves too slippery, and Meatman slides out of his grip to the other side of the ring.  Stonebreaker charges, but Meatman ducks down and Stonebreaker is tossed over the ropes.] TD: Fortunately for Stonebreaker, we're still in the first part of the match.  If his team had already won the match and he had been thrown out of the ring, he would be eliminated. SR: Tone it down, Timmy.  If the people are too dumb to understand the rules, they should apply for Larry Morton's job. [Meatman decides to tag out, and Byron re-enters the ring.  Stonebreaker hops on the apron, and headbutts Byron in the stomach.  A sunset flip only delivers a one-count, but Stonebreaker reaches up to tag in Deathbringer.  The massive man from the Darkside steps over the top rope to enter the ring, and locks up with Byron.] TD: Two of the IIWF's greatest... SR: ...has-beens.  Give me this match a year ago, and I'd be in Soundbite heaven.  But now... [Byron surprises Deathbringer with a standing dropkick, then follows it up with a second one.  The third time, Deathbringer steps to one side, and Byron crumbles to the mat.  As Byron stands up, Deathbringer locks on a clawhold to Byron's forehead.  Byron nails Deathbringer once... twice... a third time, but the big man keeps the clawhold locked on, and Byron falls to the mat.  The referee counts one... two... Byron raises a shoulder up, and struggles to fight off the clawhold.  He falls to the mat again, but takes his foot and plants it under Deathbringer's arm, then struggles to get up again, using his foot as leverage and forcing Deathbringer to release the claw.  Byron then drops a knee on Deathbringer's arm, and locks in an armbar.] TD: Lord Byron using his technical expertise to escape the Death Claw.  Now he's wrenching the arm of Deathbringer. [Deathbringer picks Byron up for a slam, but Lord Byron holds on to the armbar and carries Deathbringer over.  Deathbringer then picks Byron up for a gorilla slam, but instead of dropping him, starts choking Byron with his right hand across the throat.  The referee lays in a count to Deathbringer, but Byron releases the armbar at three, and Deathbringer slams Byron to the mat.  'Bringer then tags in Luke Steele, who starts stomping away at Lord Byron.  A whip to the ropes and a powerslam leads to a two count, and then Steele throws him outside the ring.  As Lord Byron starts to stand, Steele runs across the ring and dives through the ropes, landing on his Lordship.] TD: Plancha by Steele!  Now Scheffield and the Meatman are out, trying to pull Lord Byron back to their corner, but that brings out Stonebreaker and Deathbringer. SR: It's breaking down, folks.  Fifteen hundred pounds of wrestlers trying to maim each other outside the ring.  The Soundbite is starting to get happy. TD: All six men, fighting for the right to call their own shots during the month of February. [Scheffield throws out his technical expertise to ram Luke Steele's head into the steel guardrail.  Stonebreaker tries to throw Byron into the ring, but the wily wrestler spins around and plants Stonebreaker with a waistlock suplex.  Stonebreaker is down, and Byron joins Scheffield in double-teaming the "Real Deal".  The Meatman and Deathbringer are brawling all over the outside of the ring, when an uppercut by the Meatman sends Deathbringer over the steel guardrail into the crowd.  The Meatman steps over the guardrail to continue their battle into the crowd.] SR: Yes!  Riot among the peons.  TD: The fans are clearing a wide space for these two men.... Meatman's biting the former champion! SR: I knew he was a true carnivore at heart. [Byron and Scheffield rolls Luke Steele into the ring, talking to each other.  Scheffield rolls Steele over and locks on an STF, while Byron bounces off the ropes and drops an elbow on Steele's head.  Earl Alfonso tries to order Scheffield out of the ring, but is completely ignored by the bluebloods.  Lord Byron hops up to the turnbuckle and indicates another elbowdrop...] TD: There's Chris Stonebreaker!  Stonebreaker with a right fist to Lord Byron, causing him to sit down on the turnbuckle.  Now Stonebreaker with a back suplex... all the way to the floor! SR: All right!  This Stonebreaker guy might have some potential after all.  I like a guy who will drop an opponent on his head ten feet to the cement floor. TD: Byron is clutching the back of his head.  He might have a concussion after that blow.  And Stonebreaker took some damage as well. SR: And Meatman's having some lunch! [The Meatman is shocking everyone by dominating the Deathbringer out in the crowd, who continue a "Meat!" chant as the big men brawl.  Someone hands Meatman a hot dog, which he takes a bite out of, chews, then nails Deathbringer with an uppercut from his other hand.] SR: You've got to like it. TD: Are you kidding?  There was no mustard, no relish, and no onions on that hot dog.  What kind of sick freak eats a hot dog with ketchup! What about... sorry.  You mean Meatman, right? SR: That's my buddy, Dross. [Meatman is caught by a fist from Deathbringer, who lifts him up and carries him on his shoulder.  Deathbringer charges, and slams Meatman right into the steel guardrail, then slams him over the guardrail onto the floor.  Inside the ring, Scheffield is slapping a spinning toehold on Luke Steele in the middle of the ring, until a rollup by Steele.  The referee refuses to count, declaring Byron the legal man in the ring, but it does break the hold.  Scheffield charges, only to be HotShotted on the ropes by Steele.] TD: Byron's been outside the ring for longer than ten seconds, but Earl Alfonso has been occupied with all the in-ring action. SR: Besides, no one wants to see this match end in a count-out.  I think if Alfonso made the call, there'd be 52,000 Hawaiians wanting his head for a luau.  Alfonso's not as dumb as Morton looks. [Byron and Stonebreaker are finally stirring and trying to get back in the ring.  Luke Steele lifts Charles Scheffield into the air with a gorilla press, then drops him into a facebuster.  Steele makes a cover, but Alfonso tells him that he is not pinning the legal man.  Steele starts to argue with Alfonso, then turns around and throws Scheffield out of the ring, then climbs out the other side to pick up Byron and throw him back in the ring.] TD: Steele and Byron back in the ring.  Steele runs off the rope... legwhip by Lord Byron!  Now Byron grapevines the leg, and starts twisting it around.  Stonebreaker getting up... and is pulled down to the ringside area by Scheffield.  And the Meatman and Deathbringer join the brawl outside. [Meatman and Scheffield make an unlikely team, but they show a surprising ability to work together.  Meatman picks up Stonebreaker in a bearhug, and Scheffield hops off the apron with a clothesline on Stonebreaker.  Inside the ring, Lord Byron falls back on the leg, twisting it out even more.  Then he spins around for a figure-four leglock, only to be small packaged for a 1... 2... kickout by Byron! Byron stands up and starts kicking the leg of Steele, who is struggling to stand up.  Byron tries to dropkick the knee of Steele, but Luke Steele steps aside, and Byron misses.  Then Steele starting to regain the use of his leg, charges Byron.  Byron puts his head down for a backdrop, but Steele stops, picks up Byron into a powerbomb position, then drops him down into a spinebuster.] TD: Steele Tower!  Luke Steele nails the Steele tower, and makes the cover!  One... Two... Thr... foot on the ropes!  The referee is waving off the count. [Steele stands up, and draws his thumb across his throat.  Then he picks up Byron, and kicks him in the midsection, and sets up the floating DDT...] TD: Byron with an enzugiri!  Byron blocked the floating DDT, and kicked Luke Steele in the back of the head!  Now Byron takes the leg... modified Aristoclutch!  Byron has Luke Steele in the modified Aristoclutch! [The other four men, who have been brawling outside the ring for the last several minutes, keep going.  Christopher Stonebreaker takes a shot to the midsection from the Meatman, while Deathbringer slams Charles Scheffield to the ground.  Hearing the roar of the crowd, Deathbringer sees the action in the ring, and starts to climb up to break the hold... only to be pulled down by Scheffield.  Stonebreaker nails a belly-to-belly suplex on the Meatman and turns to the ring, but is tripped up by Deathbringer and Scheffield colliding into him.] TD: Steele's been in the Aristoclutch for almost a minute now.  His teammates can't help him, and he's nowhere near the ropes, as much as he's struggling... SR: He's tapping out!  Luke Steele gave up. [As the referee orders the bell to be rung -- Ding! Ding! Ding! -- the other four men look into the ring.  Upon seeing Byron in the Aristoclutch, Charles Scheffield and the Meatman break off their attacks and hop up to the ring apron, while Deathbringer and Christopher Stonebreaker reluctantly head back to the locker room.] TD: Here we go.  Earl Alfonso is helping Luke Steele out of the ring.  Lord Byron, Charles Scheffield, and the Meatman... one of these men will go on to the final match. SR: Meat! Meat! Meat!  Show them what you've got! [Scheffield starts to enter the ring, but the Meatman shows surprising agility by hopping up to the turnbuckle, then landing a crotch splash onto the unsuspecting Lord Byron.] SR: Smothered by Onions! TD: Smothered by Onions? SR: The Meatman's secret new move!  Forget the Floating DDT, forget the Aristoclutch, forget the Skul... well, don't forget the Skullpump, but remember Smothered by Onions!  The most devastating new move in the entire Double Eye, Double U, F'n F! [After being Smothered by Onions, Lord Byron is almost out.  Scheffield looks at Byron, nods at Meatman, picks Byron up... and throws him over the top rope.  Byron tumbles to the ground, where the Lady DeWinter heads over to meet him.  Byron slowly rises to his feet, look inside the ring where Scheffield and the Meatman remain, and gives a salute to both men before walking out with Lady DeWinter.] TD: Now Scheffield and the Meatman are the last two men in the ring. SR: There can be only one, Dross.  And it's the Meatman, trust me. TD: Both Scheffield and Meatman are in good shape, as Byron suffered the brunt of the damage in the regular match. [Meatman and Scheffield lock up.  Meatman grabs Scheffield in a headlock, but Scheffield uses a back suplex to break the hold. Scheffield picks up Meatman in a sidewalk slam, then covers for a one count.  Scheffield throws Meatman into the turnbuckle, and charges... only to miss with a kneelift and hit the turnbuckle.  Meatman tries to take advantage and throw Scheffield over the top rope, but Scheffield holds on to the ropes, then plants a forearm at the Meatman's back.  A "Meat! Meat!" chant starts up again as Scheffield hit a European uppercut, then charges the ropes... and nails a cross-body block for a one...two... kickout!] SR: You can't beat the Meat, Charley!  You CANNOT beat the Meat! [Scheffield pounds the mat in frustration, then grabs the Meatman for a DDT.  Meatman picks up the smaller Scheffield and nails an inverted atomic drop, then bounces off the ropes for a clothesline.  Instead of making a cover, he goes up to the top ropes.] TD: He's going for his new move again... SR: Smothered by Onions!  So long, Charley... nice seeing you. [The Meatman launches himself... and misses!  As he rolls around the ground, Scheffield hooks the leg for the cover...] TD: One!  Two! SR: No! TD: Kickout! SR: Yes!  Meat!  Meat!  Meat! [Scheffield takes the Meatman over to the corner, and lifts up his leg, trying to throw him over.  The Meatman hooks his right arm around the top rope, then picks up Scheffield, and throws him over the top rope. The crowd starts to explode, but stop when Scheffield catches himself on the ring apron, and stays alive.  Scheffield clothesline the Meatman, driving him away from the corner, and climb the ropes.  He leaps with a very high-cross bodyblock.] TD: Caught by the Meatman... and a powerslam!  The cover... [Soundbite and about half of the audience count with the referee...] One! Two! Three! [DING, DING, DING!] SR: He did it!  Meat! Meat! Meat! Meat! [Earl Alfonso raises the Meatman's arm in victory, and Scheffield rolls out of the ring, pounding the mat in frustration.  The Soundbite is opening a package of bologna and passing it out to the Lil' Soundbiters -- saving a piece for himself -- as the Meatman holds his arms high and soaks in the chants of "MEAT! MEAT! MEAT!"] TD: Amazing!  The rookie, this newcomer to the IIWF who has taken the hearts of all of these fans -- even my announcing partner -- has won the right to join Shadoe Rage in that final triangle match later tonight! SR: It's Meat time, baby!  Prime, grade A beef!  Give me a huge slab, bleeding red.  The Meatman wins! [Jimmy "The Meatman" Steele leaves the ring and heads back towards the meat truck, still hearing the chants of the fans.  He waves to the fans, then opens the truck... and the Meatboy pops out, hugging his father as the crowd gives an enormous response to the winner. As the Steele family leaves ringside to chants of "MEAT! MEAT! MEAT!", cut back to the broadcast table at ringside.] TD: Like many of our matches today, this next one pits two men against each other who consider themselves friends. But unlike the six-man Lethal Lottery matches, Billy Shakespeare and Marty Warnett are wrestling by choice, not at the whims of a random draw. This match has its roots in Marty's betrayal of Billy -- a move that turned out to be a ploy to get at Bradley Reed. But with Reed gone from the IIWF, this match was needed to work out some left-over hard feelings. SR: [dead silence] TD: Steve Roberts, don't you have anything to say about this match? SR: [continued silence] TD: Steve, what in the world are you watching on your monitor? SR: The 24-hour Hula channel. Right now, they are showing "Hula Classics". This week, it is the 1957 National Open. That was the year of the "Asian Invasion", of course. Changed the entire face of competitive Hula. TD: It did? SR: It did. In 1957, you had a clash between the traditional Hawaiian style, and the new Japanese style. By the '58 Open, you were already seeing the beginnings of the hybrid style that dominated the sport until the rise of the South Americans in the early 1970s. TD: Oh. SR: Frankly, I don't think any of this did the sport a damn bit of good. The Japanese style took away too much of Hula's sensuality, and replaced it with an athleticism that I do not think belongs. The South American festival-dancing did a bit to reverse that trend, but I fear our only real hope is that the East Europeans will have an impact now that they have been released from behind the Iron Curtain. TD: Eastern European hula dancers? SR: Certainly. Last year's Prague Classic was a revelation to the worldwide ranks of Hula enthusiasts. The influence of Bulgarian belly-dancing is obvious, and a welcome addition, at least to this observer. TD: Steve, you are making all of this up, aren't you? SR: Of course I am. I think this is some bimbo at the Don Ho Theater in Maui. But you have to admit that it was more interesting than talking about a match between the two dullest wrestlers in IIWF history. TD: I would hardly call two wrestlers like Billy Shakespeare and Marty Warnett boring. They are both legends in the sport, and certainly will both be enshrined in the IIWF Hall of Fame some day. SR: Goody. You can put them in on the same day that Larry Morton goes into the broadcaster's wing, and that Cold Spell goes in as a tag team. That way, I can spend the day at the Bob Hope Hula Pro-Am, and not have to worry about missing anything. TD: Steve, you just admitted that you were making up all the stuff about Hula. SR: Not the Bob Hope! Ask Becky! She's a two-time winner in the Adult Division. TD: They have a Children's Division? SR: No, Dross. That's not exactly the definition of "adult" that I had in mind. TD: Oh. [pause] Can we _please_ talk about this match? SR: If you insist. I'll even admit that I'm actually excited to be here to see this. TD: You are? SR: I am. It is my sense of history. How often can you say that you were actually there to see the worst match ever shown on Pay-Per-View? TD: [sighing] I give up. Let's go to the ring. ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v v / | __| "Spotlight" Billy Shakespeare vs. Marty Warnett |_||_| \_/\_/ |_|.................................................... WRITER: Dave Hogg [The camera switches to Sparkplug Lee, who is flipping through his notecards, trying to figure out which match comes next. Luckily for himself, and for the fans, he guesses correctly.] SL: The following match is set for one fall, and pits two of the most popular athletes in IIWF history! [Pop!] SL: First, from Cardiff, Wales, and weighing 247 pounds, I give you The Party Maniac, Marty Warnett! [The crowd goes wild, almost drowning out David Lee Roth's "Just Like Paradise". Marty, though, looks strangely subdued as he makes his way to ringside. He slaps hands with a few fans, but not with his usual enthusiasm, and without his usual smile. When he reaches the ring, he seems oblivious to the roar of the crowd, and simply takes a seat on the top turnbuckle, staring down the aisle.] SL: And his opponent, from Ashland, Oregon, and accompanied to the ring by Johnny Jones, weighing in at 230lbs, this is "Spotlight" Billy Shakespeare! [The crowd's cheering continues unabated as "Little Willie" booms over the PA system. Shakespeare heads to ringside, accompanied by the awestruck twelve year old kid chosen by Billy as typifying the young fans of the IIWF. Shakespeare waves to the fans and basks in their cheers. He ushers Johnny Jones into a reserved seat at ringside, and then hops up onto the ring apron to a huge pop! Upon entering the squared circle, he bows theatrically to the fans, then heads directly for Warnett, who has hopped down from the turnbuckles. The crowd falls silent, waiting to see what is about to happen.] SR: Blood! I want blood! Kill each other! [Sadly for Steve and the Soundbiters, but with the approval of the rest of the crowd, Shakespeare puts out his hand for Warnett to shake. Marty smiles for the first time since entering the arena, and shakes the outstretched hands. The two men embrace, then return to their corners to wait for the bell.] TD: That was a great thing to see. Marty Warnett and Billy Shakespeare have decided to put their past problems behind them, and continue their friendship! This could be one of the great technical matches in IIWF history! SR: I'm reminded of the words of that famous Olympic star, Nancy Kerrigan. TD: You are? SR: I am. TD: And those words were? SR: "Why? Why? Why me?" [Luckily, the bell rings at this point, saving the viewers from any more witty repartee. Shakespeare and Warnett shake hands, then slip into a collar-and-elbow lockup. Billy makes the first move, sliding into an armbar, but Marty ducks under and cinches in a hammerlock. That only lasts a few seconds, though, as Shakespeare reaches between his legs and grabs an ankle, pulling Warnett down. But before he can cinch in any kind of leglock, Marty kicks him off with his free foot. Billy bounces into the ropes, and is sent flying by an arm drag. He immediately springs up, and gets right into Warnett's face. After a second, both men grin, and they exchange a high-five. Pop!] TD: What an exchange of technical wrestling! This promises to be a match that would make Dan Grable proud! SL: I don't want a match that would make some Iowa hick proud! I want a match that would make a good Chicago boy like Freddy Krueger proud! TD: You are just jealous because they just did more moves in 30 seconds than you used to do in a 45-minute match. [Steve doesn't reply, he simply signals to the Soundbiters, who break into the traditional chant of "Show Your Toes!" Dross, though, simply signals to a different group of fans, who open their leather jackets to display bare chests, and start singing "Feelings".] SR: [stunned] Dross, you are a sick and twisted man. [Back in the ring, Warnett and Shakespeare have continued what has been a fabulous scientific match. Marty has even backed away from his usual high-impact moves to turn the match into a blinding exchange of armbars, drop toe holds, leglocks and even the long-forgotten monkey flip. While most of the fans are enjoying the match, the IIWF's contingent of mutants are getting restless, breaking into a chant of "Boring"!] TD: You know, the IIWF has the best fans in the world, but I can not understand how people could watch two brilliant technicians like Billy Shakespeare and Marty Warnett, and chant "Boring". SR: I agree entirely, Dross. TD: Steve! I'm impressed that you are starting to understand the beauty of this match. SR: You must be kidding. I don't understand how those fans haven't either fallen asleep, or gone to get another bottle of Maui Pineapple Ale. [Both men are starting to slow down a bit, showing the effects of the lightning-quick pace of the match. Sensing Warnett's fatigue, Shakespeare hits a pair of dropkicks, then springs to the top rope. As Marty rises, Billy launches himself for the Final Act, his trademark spinning DDT. Warnett senses the danger, takes a large step toward the spinning "Spotlight" and turns the move into a kind of overhead suplex. Instantly, the "Party Maniac" goes for a figure-four leglock, but Shakespeare reaches up and grabs his neck for a small package: 1 -- 2...] TD: No! Warnett kicks out at the two count! Both men went for their finishers there, and both had them reversed. These two just know each other too well. The end of this one is going to have to come out of nowhere. [Shakespeare bangs the mat in frustration, then jumps to his feet, pulling Warnett up with him. He fires Marty into the ropes, then has to duck under a clothesline attempt. As the Maniac comes at him again, Shakespeare bluffs going for a back bodydrop, hoping to get Warnett to try to leap over him. Instead, Marty goes for a full-speed sunset flip, so when Billy suddenly straightens up, their heads slam into each other with a sickening thud. Both men drop to the canvas as if they had been shot.] TD: I'm not sure what Billy Shakespeare had in mind there, but it certainly didn't work! Dave D'Amato is starting the ten count, and I don't think that either man is going to be able to respond. SR: Good! That means this horrible match will be over! Count faster, Dave! [To Steve's chagrin, Billy Shakespeare wobbles to his feet as D'Amato reaches the count of nine. While the official checks to see if Warnett is going to be able to continue, Shakespeare heads for the top rope, signaling for the Curtain Call.] TD: This could be it! He's going to try to end this match right here! [Shakespeare climbs to the top rope, then perches himself majestically atop the turnbuckles, facing away from the ring. He glances back over his shoulder to see that Warnett has made it up to his knees, then turns back to prepare to lead. As he does, there is a blinding flash, and he falls backwards into the ring, holding his eyes.] TD: Folks, I'm not sure what has just happened! A man just jumped over the railing, and flashed some kind of incredibly bright light in Billy Shakespeare's eyes! He is screaming in pain, but the referee didn't see what happened. Marty Warnett didn't see any of it either, and he is groggily going for the cover -- one... two... THREE! SL: The winner of the match -- "The Party Maniac" Marty Warnett! [Warnett starts to celebrate, then realizes that Shakespeare is still holding his eyes and yelling out in pain. At that moment, he notices the man standing at ringside. For the first time, the camera shows the man's face, and it is obviously "To Excess" Rick Williams. Williams shows the flashgun to Warnett and mouths the words "Smile, you're on Candid Camera" before smirking and walking to the back. Warnett starts to go after him, but thinks better of it, and goes back to comforting Billy Shakespeare.] TD: I can't believe this! "To Excess" Rick Williams just ruined an outstanding match by blinding Billy Shakespeare. A flashgun like that can do terrible damage to the human eyes! This could end Billy Shakespeare's career! SR: It could? Yes! [By this point, Warnett has realized that it is going to take forever for the medical staff to reach ringside, so he gets his friend calmed down, and starts to guide him back to the locker rooms for some much-needed medical attention. As the two friends vanish from sight, the massive crowd comes to its feet in a prolonged ovation.] TD: The match might not have ended the way these two men would have liked, but the fans are showing their appreciation anyway! I have no idea what Rick Williams thinks he was doing -- that looked to me like a xenon, or possibly a carbon arc flashbulb... incredibly bright. Rick Williams has tried to permanently blind Billy Shakespeare here tonight -- and I have to believe that he will be severely disciplined as a result. SR: Aw, give me a break, Dross! Those two losers could have gone on trading their pansy-assed slaps and kicks all night long... Rick Williams ought to be applauded for putting us out of their misery! TD: Well, we'll try and get an update on the condition of Billy Shakespeare later on here tonight, folks -- but right now, we must take a break. We'll be right back in a few moments with more incredible action -- don't go away! [Cut to a wide-angle shot of the Aloha Stadium, the camera panning up to show the IIWF blimp floating in the air above the ring. Fade.] +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= I * I * W * F =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-+ | President: Daniel Spreadbury | Vice-President: Jim Jividen | | univ0322@sable.ox.ac.uk | brokeback@webtv.net | | iiwf@sisko.demon.co.uk | | +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- http://www.sisko.demon.co.uk -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=+