[Fade up on a deserted Qualcomm Stadium in San Diego, California.  The trampled field and ravaged stands are less indicative of an ongoing party than of one that was just missed... a "morning after" writ large. Tattered yellow foam cheeseheads lie abandoned on the field, a green and gold "Back 2 Back" t-shirt forlornly sits atop the crossbar, ripped up betting slips are strewn in the visiting team's endzone as is a news headline reading "Greatest Quarterback Ever?" Amidst the carnage are two familiar men... veteran IIWF commentators Tim Dross and Steve "Soundbite" Roberts, who stand at midfield, look toward each other and shaking their heads simultaneously say the word...] TD/SR:  Naaaaahhhhh. . ___. __ ____ __ ________ ______ ||\ |/ | || | | || | || |\ \ /\ / /| __| || \|\__ | __||__ | |_||__ | || | \ v v / | __| || | \|/ || | | || |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| ||______/|\__||__ | | ||_________________________ with Tim Dross and "Soundbite" Steve Roberts Tuesday 27 January 1998 ................................................... ["I'm Allright" by Kenny Loggins plays as the shot cuts to the wild flora and fauna of the San Diego Zoo.  There are shots of white tipped deer and slender horned gazelles merrily racing across the greenery... And then of Steve Roberts, cigar in hand, yelling, "Come On Vixen!" as we see that he and the crew are wagering on the outcome of the race. Red river hogs comingle with Masai giraffes in a breathtaking recreation of their natural habitat... And then they are seen wearing L'il Soundbiter t-shirts and leather jackets as they pose for a photograph with Roberts. An enormous Galapagos tortoise lumbers past two sleeping homodo dragons... ...while on its back is Steve Roberts, dressed only in a pair of chaps and RayBan sunglasses, he smacks the backside of the tortoise and waves his other hand in the air in a bucking bronco, "ride the pony" gesture. A shot of the endangered Tahitian lorie, only one speciman remaining in North America... Then back to the same shot... the cage is open and the lorie is gone... in front of its space is the standing Roberts, chowing down on an enormous sandwich and broadly grinning to the camera. A shot of two Jawan red billed matcohas, sitting together in the corner, engaging in one of the most beatifully choreographed mating rituals known in the animal kingdom... And then of Steve Roberts, snapping poloroids and again collecting money from the crew as if having won a wager. Cut to a live shot of a raised platform nestled inside a replica of a Brazillian rain forest, a dozen douc langurs skip their way through the shot as the music fades and the zoom in is to veteran IIWF commentator Tim Dross.] TD: Hello everyone, you are _Tuned_In_ to the beautiful Bonobo Road section of the historic San Diego Zoo in San Diego, California... You are _Tuned_In_ to your kick-off edition of our worldwide travel to the only wrestling Pay-Per-View that matters... The Road To Ring Wars V... You are _Tuned_In_ to your weekly look at all the news, views, reviews and previews... highlights and sidelights, cheers and jeers... A look behind at the week that was and then up ahead at what will be here in the _number one_ wrestling federation in the world today... [Zoo employees place down their respective wild charges and chime in with one crisp, clean, exuberant voice....] "The _Mighty_ IIWF!!" TD: This is, as always, "Inside the IIWF", I am your host, Tim Dross and it is my great pleasure to introduce to you my co-host, the Runaway Winner of the Best Announcer competition in a the year end international wrestling award poll of record... the... Steve, I'm not going to call you this. SR: [from outside the shot:] Aw, come on Dross, we got eight shows left, let me have a little fun. Please?  Please?  Pleeeeeeeeeaaaasssse? TD: People will be offended, Steve Roberts. SR: So what, it ain't like you're ever goin' back to the Tower to pick up the mail.  This is our chance, Dross... live a little! TD: The man does have a point, Ladies and Gentlemen, The hardest working man in the Rasslin' Business, the _"Black Jesus"_ Steve "Soundbite" Roberts! [Van Halen's "Running With the Devil" begins and the Soundbite skips into the shot, he is wearing a forest green t-shirt with the words, "Don't Fear The Reaper... But Be Damn Scared of the Fury..."] TD: Steve Roberts... Welcome. SR: Dross, ol' buddy, ol' pal... there is just something about the air in the Double Eye as we go back to work... it's sweeter, somehow.  The water's cleaner, the biscuits fresher and the strippers have a little less skank around the edges.  You have any idea why that would be, Dross? TD: I don't know what you're talking about, Steve Roberts, but a new IIWF day indeed is dawning as we are some two weeks removed from that big, big Snow Brawl and now set on our traditional Road to Ring Wars V, there have been some high-profile front office changes that we are all sure will allow the IIWF to continue to flourish in its position as the unquestioned number one professional wrestling organization in the world today. SR: And what about this show, Dross?  What about this show?  Is this piece of Quigley show ever gonna get any better? TD: Well, we do indeed have an announcement, Steve Roberts, as many of you know, "Inside the IIWF" has been run by the same "behind the scenes production team"... SR: The guy with the beard. TD: ...the guy with the beard, since March 11 of last year -- however, following Ring Wars V, the IIWF will be making a much anticipated change -- and a brand new behind the scenes team will take over complete operation of "Inside the IIWF".  Obviously, more will be mentioned about this matter at the relevant time, but we'd just like to say that, as we begin the Road to Ring Wars V, we here at "Inside the IIWF" hope you enjoy our final eight broadcasts. SR: The dogs bark, Dross... but the caravan marches on. TD: And indeed the caravan of year end honors has once again marched right to the doorstep of the IIWF.  The complete listing of Awards is still trickling out... SR: More badly run than the Packers' two minute offense. TD: ...however, we can tell you that individual honors have gone to Brody Thunder, Maurice McArthur, President Dan Spreadbury,  IIWF Saturday Night and, of course, the IIWF was once again overwhelmingly named Best Federation.   [Roberts clears his throat.] TD: And, as we mentioned, the winner of the Award of Best Announcer was "Inside the IIWF's" own, Steve Roberts. [Dross and the crew begin to clap.] SR: Aw, nothin's sweeter than a little public acclaim, you know I want to thank all the morons out there in TV land for diggin' the Soundbite the most in 1997.  I's gets all misty, deep down inside in my Soundbite DNA... or maybe it's RNA... I dunno, someplace... wherever it is, I'm jus' happy that as painfully stupid as those inbred cracker rasslin' fans all across the world are -- even they couldn't overlook the overarching brilliance that is me. [Dross exits the shot quickly, then returns to hand a tasteful trophy of a wrestler to the Soundbite.  Roberts takes ahold... and then huge crocodile tears begin to run down his eyes.] SR: I... I... you know... I think it was Stanislovsky... or Stan Hansen, one of those guys, who said, "Love not the Wrestler in the Wrestling... but the Wrestling in the Wrestler..." and on this day I just want... will... is Jack Lemmon here tonight? Is Jack Lemmon here?  How about Jack Hanna?  How about Icehawk?  Is Icehawk here?  Icehawk?  Troy?  Jo-Jo the Dog Faced Boy?  Zippy the Wonder Bear?  Tommy the Flatulent Turtle? No?  [Roberts stops crying immediately, breaking into a wide grin.] SR: Good.  'Cuz the goddamn trophy is mine. Mine.  Mine.  Mine.  And any ya'll don't like it, can go visit me down there. TD: Down where, Steve Roberts? SR: You know where, Dross.  You know where. TD: Well, enough self congratulation, Steve Roberts, the IIWF held another tumultuous Pay-Per-View life from Honolulu, Hawaii... and a few superstars have come out as big, big winners... let's take one last look... at Snow Brawl. ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v v / | __| REWIND: |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| IIWF Snow Brawl: 17 January 1998 ....................................................................... [Snow Brawl Elimination Tag Team Match] - "Savage Shadoe Rage, Tragedy, and Edmund Fitzgerald def. Icehawk and Richard "Moxy" Blue (Ike Sampson did not show), with Rage scoring the pinfall for his team. - "Savage" Shadoe Rage defeated his partners to advance to the final match. [Tag Team Battle Royal] - Team Sychosys defeated the Prophets of Rage, The Natural Predators, the Harlequins, the Down Boys, the High Plains Drifters, Tony Starks and the Subway Psycho, the Rotundos, the Barnacle Brothers, the Machines, and the Fabulous Ones. [Snow Brawl Elimination Tag Team Match] - Meatman, Lord Byron, and Charles Scheffield defeated "Real Deal" Luke Steele, Deathbringer, and Christopher Stonebreaker when Lord Byron forced Steele to submit to the modified Aristoclutch. - Meatman defeated his teammates to advance to the final elimination triangle match. [Settling A Score] - Marty Warnett defeated "Spotlight" Billy Shakespeare. [Snow Brawl Elimination Match] - Serge Annis, Mad Dog Watkins, and "To Excess" Rick Williams defeated Duncan Macbeth, Derek Mota, and Timothy N. Turner via _triple_ countout. - "To Excess" Rick Williams also defeated Serge Annis and Mad Dog Watkins via _double_ countout to advance. [IIWF Tag Team Championship Triangle Match] - The Down Boys and the Natural Predators, eliminated simultaneously at the end of the battle royal, replaced Team Sychosys. - The Natural Predators won the IIWF Tag Team Championship from the Down Boys and Champions the Lost Boyz. [IIWF Cruiserweight Championship Ladder Match] - "The Enigma" Takezo Musashi gained the title from Ronnie Paris. [Snow Brawl Survivors Match] - "To Excess" Rick Williams was eliminated by a countout. - "Savage" Shadoe Rage defeated the Meatman to win the match. [Submission Match] - "Sychosys" Joe Petrow defeated "Quickstrike" Chris Quigley. [IIWF World Title Cell Cage Match, Loser Leaves Town for 60 Days.] - Steve "the Fury" Kowalski def. "Lone Wolf" Brody Thunder TD: The big Snow Brawl was indeed a momentous event in the life of the now two-time IIWF World Heavyweight Champion, Steve "The Fury" Kowalski.  SR: Beer drinking, Skullpumping son of a bitch, Dross.  Fear the Fury. Fear the Fury. TD: With a dramatic, historic cage match win over Brody Thunder, Steve Kowalski has firmly grabbed the mantle as IIWF standardbearer as we go into 1998.  SR: And that drugstore cowboy is gone, Dross... gone to play with his little horseys... and his toy guns... and sit around all alone out there in Dumbass, Arizona, or wherever it is he's from and think back about what used to be. Enjoy retirement, Thunder.  Play some golf, maybe some bingo... enjoy those early bird specials -- I hear the perch is especially fresh this time of year. TD: Brody Thunder, universally acclaimed as the world's finest wrestler in 1997 is indeed living up to his word and has left the IIWF for his required 60 days -- we certainly wish him well and hope, as do all of the great IIWF fans, to see him return in the future. SR: Done.  Finished.  Over and Out.  Sayonara.  Sorta like Clinton. TD: I don't know if that's a road down which we want to travel. SR: Aw, Dross... I don't know why this is such a big deal anyway.  You know, swallow the swan ain't exactly a "sexual relationship". TD: Steve... SR: Besides, you know that ole' Arkansas saying, "eatin' ain't cheatin'". TD: Steve... SR: I'll tell you what's gonna get him... it ain't the affair, the cover up, the subornation of perjury, the fact that he put twenty-four hour Secret Service detail on Chelsea keeping me from getting another taste of that fine, underaged, first daughter poontang... TD: STEVE! SR: What's gonna get him is his taste, pardon the pun, in bimbos, Dross.  Why the hell does he go for broads any guy with a TransAm could pick up at the Gap, Dross?  You would think the post powerful non-Soundbite in the world could get himself some first class tail. Actresses... supermodels... atheletes... Jesus, Dross -- Clinton could have had gymnasts for Chrissakes.  Lithesome, flexible girl gymnasts... flipping and flopping around like your body was their own personal apparatus... TD: Steve... SR: Aw... yeah... stick that dismount, Olma from Olmsk... stick that bad boy... oh baby... oh baby... TD: Joe Petrow certainly vaulted his way into undeniable "icon" like status with his tremendous performance at Snow Brawl, not only did he defeat Chris Quigley "clean and in the middle" as the writers might say -- but he won that tag team battle royal, keeping his record in IIWF Battle Royals unblemished.  A truly starmaking show for Joe Petrow. SR: Well, I hate to say I told you so... so I won't.  But what I will talk about is all this whining and moaning about Petrow winning the battle royal, Good God, if I hear one more time about how some boring as hell tag wrestler whose own mother probably wore a "Joe Petrow. Period" t-shirt while she was watching the scrambled Snow Brawl at the trailer park shoulda beaten a guy who shoulda won the damn World Championship belt six months ago I'm gonna start picking off gay guy tag halves with my rifle.  The constant, incessant, "why isn't it all about me" bitching is enough to drive a sane man crazy, Dross... and a crazy man to damn near go Berkowitz on the whole freakin' company. TD: Rare form today, Steve. SR: Guess how much mail I got today? TD: I... I... wouldn't hazard a guess, Steve Roberts. SR: Don't know!  Whooooooooooo!!! TD: A man whose whereabouts are no longer in question is Maurice McArthur, who had a wild Snow Brawl, from a loss to Steve Manning, to aiding his partner in that battle royal... to effectively being kidnapped by the Prophets of Rage.  But we understand that "Mister Majestyk" has returned to the fold, a little shaken up but with no permanent damage... and folks, here's a big, big exclusive, I understand that the "Sychotic" one himself, Joe Petrow will make a very, very rare interview appearance in front of IIWF cameras next week, perhaps on this very program... SR: I thought Morton was gonna do that piece, Dross.  Are you creepin' in on "Countdown" territory?  You know, I heard that Friday show was gonna be the "best weekly commentary show in the business".  Isn't this a weekly commentary show?  Are you startin' to feel the pressure, Dross? Is Larry nippin' at your heels? TD: So, if you, the fans of the IIWF want to take advantage of this tremendous opportunity and ask Joe Petrow a question -- and this is "no holds barred" folks, everything in and out of the IIWF is apparently "fair game" for this special, one night only interview next week, please send those requests to Tim Dross at brokeback@webtv.net.  That's brokeback@webtv.net, for any questions for Joe Petrow, who will appear on an IIWF program next week for a rare interview. SR: Saturday Night we are damn sure gonna see an interview, Dross.  The man of the hour, the tower of black power, Shadoe Rage is going to speak to the masses on Saturday Night -- and you know that February isn't Black History Month for nothing. TD: The biggest reward from Snow Brawl may indeed have been received by Shadoe Rage, who won not only his tag match, but his elimination match and then pinned the previously unbeaten Meatman in the three-way dance to gain the right to select his opponents for each card in the month of February. SR: It's the Age of the Rage all over again, Dross.  One man had to step out of the huddled masses, step from the shadows and into the light -- and it was the Shadoe himself.  Shadoe Rage. TD: A big, big victory it was -- and a star is born in an IIWF instant. A return to prominence was what occurred in the Cruiserweight Championship match when "The Enigma" Takezo Musashi dramatically defeated Ronnie Paris in that ladder match, capturing the title and the admiration of so many great IIWF fans with his dramatically dualistic style. SR: "U-S-A...U-S-A...U-S-A."  What the hell is wrong with you people!  A fine young American like Ronnie Paris, a man who kicked the hell out of his own drunken, abusive daddy -- who used to lock him up in the basement, buy him cigarettes for Christmas, who wouldn't let him play in his little league championship game when he went four for five with three ribbies in the Districts cause he grounded out in the third inning!  One lousy at bat!  I was MVP, Daddy!  Don't boo me!  Why would you boo your own son!  I will not embarrass the family!  I will not! TD: The Enigma is your new cruiserweight champion... and your new tag team champions are the hard working Bear and the Grey Phoenix -- the Natural Predators, who along with the Down Boys advanced to that tag team triangle matchup at Snow Brawl -- the Predators outlasting the Down Boys and the former tag team champions, Damage... I'm sorry... the Lost Boyz, to claim IIWF gold. SR: I don't know who they are but they sure do work hard, Dross.  Sure, so do donkeys, Fred Travalena and the migrant workers of Nepal... but in the IIWF, work gets rewarded -- and those two guys got the straps. Hey, Dross... whatever happened to the US belts?  Whaddyou say Smooth and me strap on the tights and kick everybody's ass?  TD: The Natural Predators proved consistently and thoroughly that they are an elite tag team -- and now have the straps to prove it.  SR: Buyrate, baby dolls.  Buyrate.  You wanna find the money come Ring Wars V?  Throw seven more tables in front of Sycho Joe and toss the boots on the ole' Soundbite _one_more_time_ to win some tag gold.  Be the biggest damn show this company ever saw.  Big like Bruno at the Garden... like Inoki at the Egg... like Clinton after a staff meeting.  Aw, Dross... I's feelin' it babe.  I's so, so feelin' it. TD: Folks, that was Snow Brawl -- and this is the Road to Ring Wars V... we put away the past and move on to tomorrow... here is your _First Look_ at IIWF Saturday Night! ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v v / | __| FIRST LOOK: |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| IIWF Saturday Night: 31 January 1998 ....................................................................... 1. Steel Cage Match: Serge Annis vs. Mad Dog Watkins 2. IIWF Intercontinental Championship Match: Duncan Macbeth vs. Derek Mota 3. IIWF Cruiserweight Championship Match: "Enigma" Takezo Musashi vs. Icehawk 4. "To Excess" Rick Williams vs. Christopher Stonebreaker 5. The Down Boys vs. The Harlequins 6. Tony Starks vs. "Real Deal" Luke Steele 7. Prophets of Rage vs. Fabulous Ones 8. Deathbringer vs. Charles Scheffield [A bevy of chimpanzees swing through the twisted California palms as a post middle aged woman appears with a slender shouldered monkey in tow.] TD: Well, a treat folks, former San Diego Zoo director and longtime regular guest on the Tonight Show, Ms. Joan Embry.  Welcome to "Inside the IIWF", Ms. Embry. JE: Well, it's so wonderul to have you here at our little sanctuary, Mr. Dross.  You know, the San Diego Zoo was started with only 50 animals back in 1916 -- and now spreads across 100 acres with over 4200 specimens. TD: That is remarkable, Ms. Embry. JE: We are divided into such remarkably diverse collections as the Scripps Aviary, the Gorilla Tropics, Hippo Beach, the Polar Bear Plunge, the Panda Research Station and right here, of course, at Bonobo Road where you see these marvelous pygmy chimpanzees swinging hither and dither in as closely proximate an area to their natural habitat as man can synthetically provide. TD: A very accomplished woman you are, Ms. Embry.  I'm sure our great IIWF fans are very impressed and entertained by their look "Inside" your zoo. SR: Hey, Joanie, wanna get naked? TD: Steve Roberts! [The monkey draped around the neck of Embry begins to shriek, diving atop the Soundbite and knocking him to the ground.] SR: Jesus!  Jesus!  Get this damn Dakota Bundy lookin' thing the hell off of me!! [The crew swarms across Roberts... but the monkey rears up and snarls, chasing them back... finally Embry herself snaps her fingers, then leans down and cleanly picks the monkey from the Soundbite.] SR: Lady, you and that chimp just bought one hell of a lawsuit! JE: Mr. Roberts, my howler and I.... SR: Howler?  JE: Yes, this is what is commonly referred to as a howler monkey, my howler and I... and the entire San Diego Zoo are terribly sorry for this horrible mistake.  If there's anyway we can make this up to you... [Dross drops his head... and the Soundbite's dissimilarly rises.] SR: Golly, Joanie.  I don't know.  I know an awfully good attorney and... oh, my back!  My back! [Roberts bends low to the ground, taking furtive glances at the clearly concerned Embry.] JE: Oh, goodness gracious!  Oh goodness gracious! TD: Goodness, Ms. Embry, has got nothing to do with this. SR: Well, Joaniekins.  Maybe we can, perhaps work something out, after all -- you say you're a screamer... JE: Howler, the monkey is a howler. SR: Details, baby dolls, Details. [Roberts leads Embry by the arm from the shot, tapping his finger to his temple as he walks away.] TD: Well, while Steve is... otherwise occupied... we will take this opportunity to look ahead to this Saturday's big, big card.  Two titles on the line from Qualcomm Stadium right here in San Diego this Saturday Night -- the Intercontinental Championship will be up for grabs when the Scotsman, Duncan Macbeth, meets a man rapidly turning into his archrival, Derek Mota... and the new Cruiserweight Champion, Takezo Musashi, hooks up with perhaps the premiere aerialist in all the IIWF, the three-time tag champion Icehawk. [A half dozen kangaroos hop through the shot... running almost... almost in fear.] TD: Three other big singles matches coming your way on Saturday -- Rick Williams, who made another tremendous showing at Snow Brawl, meets another man who can no longer be called an IIWF newcomer, Christopher Stonebreaker, in a bout that should set the tone for the Road to Ring Wars V -- one wonders if a man like Marty Warnett might have something to say about this match, given that heinous attack by "To Excess" at Snow Brawl upon his good friend Billy Shakespeare.  We at "Inside the IIWF" wish Billy all the best during his recuperation -- and understand the tremendous task which he must now undertake... in his rehabilitation. Also, Tony Starks, who had a complete blow up with now former tag team partner Subway Psycho at Snow Brawl, will meet Luke Steele, the man whose Floating DDT finally met its match up against the Legendary Lord Byron at Snow Brawl.  Lord Byron being another IIWF superstar who we wish well as he is on extended International tour following Snow Brawl, we certainly hope he will be back somewhere on this Road to Ring Wars V. The third singles match pits the great Deathbringer up against that good looking rookie Charles Scheffield -- the man who actually eliminated Byron at Snow Brawl. [A pair of lowland gorillas lumber across the shot, each moving faster than should a gorilla move -- a glint in their eyes that again looks like... fear.  As if they have seen something so foreign, so shocking to even gorillas that they must flee.] TD: We have great tag team action on Saturday Night -- the Down Boys, so, so close to becoming tag champions, will meet the Harlequins -- and the Fabulous Ones, we would assume with Paul Wong, after that turn of events at Snow Brawl, will meet the Prophets of Rage.... Eight big matches -- and topped off by that Main Event -- Mad Dog Watkins, whose return to the IIWF has been less than triumphant -- and all because of the enormous roadblock called Serge Annis -- those two men will meet inside the confines of a steel cage in a match that cannot help but echo Kowalski/Thunder... it is a tremendous card -- and what a way to kickoff the Road to Ring Wars V... This Saturday Night! [Roberts staggers back into the shot, t-shirt torn, belt unbuckled, hair toussled, a smile on his face and the aforementioned monkey draped on his neck.] SR: Forget what I said about the gymnasts, Dross.  It's all about the zoo chicks.  Two words, sports fans.  Two words: Jungle Love.  O-E-O-E-O. TD: Folks... it's all coming your way... this Saturday Night! [The monkey howls again as a female hand pulls Roberts from the shot... a flock of seagulls hurtling away from the scene.]   ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v v / | __| COMING FRIDAY: |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| Countdown to Saturday Night ....................................................................... TD: Well, folks, that's gonna do it for this episode of "Inside the IIWF", tune in next week when we come to you live from Park City, Utah, home of the Sundance Film Festival... and hopefully, we will be able to show you a little bit of FanCon '98 -- which took place last week to a tremendous turn-out -- Steve Roberts and I had a chance to mingle with so many of you great fans up in Portland - and we'll take a look at some footage shot by a fan just like you. So, be sure to tune into Larry Morton and his special guests on Friday as they "Countdown to Saturday Night" and then join us live from Qualcomm here in San Diego for the one... the only... IIWF Saturday Night! For all of us here with "Inside the IIWF"... I'm Tim Dross, along with Steve "Soundbite" Roberts... Good Night, Everyone! ["Jungle Love" by The Time plays as animals of all shapes and sizes run hard and fast from the area in which Steve Roberts and 70 year old Joan Embry are apparently situated... a wild, piercing, banshee like howl is heard -- from off screen... unfortunately for all of us... the monkey is visible on screen, and has made no such noise.  The shot and the music fade.] +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= I * I * W * F =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-+ | President: Daniel Spreadbury | Vice-President: Jim Jividen | | univ0322@sable.ox.ac.uk | brokeback@webtv.net | | iiwf@sisko.demon.co.uk | | +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- http://www.sisko.demon.co.uk -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=+