[Open on what is clearly a black and white silent film being projected upon a screen.  Steve Roberts, is seen dressed as a farmboy, hay literally spilling from his clothing as he steps of a bus in the middle of Los Angeles, California. The words at the bottom of the screen: "I'm Steve.  I'm from Utah. Sure do hope I make it in the big city." We see Steve, The Book of Mormon in tow, attempting to give his testimony to a number of different individuals:  junkies, hookers, Robert Downey, Jr., former Los Angeles Dodger Davey Lopes... All of which laughingly turn away. "I'm all out of money," reads the screen as Steve downcastedly stumbles into an "adult nightclub".  His attempts to mission to the strippers are halfhearted and ineffecutal... until one of them leads him behind a green door marked: "Green Door". We see a film crew shooting an "adult movie," that both shocks and intrigues the visually expressive Steve... we see a parade of barely clothed bodies panting, sweating, grunting and groaning... and all through the increasingly wondrous eyes of Steve. Dissolve. Back up on a larger "adult film" set, a man in red tights has his back turned as he is apparently being pleasured by an unseen woman... the man turns his head to the camera at the pivotal moment... It is Steve.  He smiles, the screen now reading the words: "I'm Hung.  Steve Hung." We see a montage of various adult scenes, all featuring "Steve Hung"... tens of women servicing him at any one time... then -- during a shot with a jazzercise instructor... Steve is attacked by gangsters, hitting him over the head... and taking his identification. Steve wakes... "Who... Who am I?" Steve, alone, sees his cape -- and misidentifies himself not as an actor... But as "Orgasmo"....Protector of the Weak! Dissolve. Back up on Steve -- he is in a bizarre costume, complete with enormous codpiece and a large phallic-like weapon which he calls... "The Orgazmorator" Steve stands proud and true in the shot, the words on the screen reading: "I am Orgasmo!  When I walk, the earth shakes and bad guys wet their pants!" Steve then races down an alley toward some miscreants... he stumbles... falls... then, limpingly rises and trots after them, his "Orgazmorator" waving in the air. The shot fades... replaced by:] . ___. __ ____ __ ________ ______ ||\ |/ | || | | || | || |\ \ /\ / /| __| || \|\__ | __||__ | |_||__ | || | \ v v / | __| || | \|/ || | | || |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| ||______/|\__||__ | | ||_________________________ with Tim Dross and "Soundbite" Steve Roberts Tuesday 3 February 1998 ................................................... ["Kyle's Mom's A Stupid Bitch In D Minor" by Cartman plays as the shot opens on the snow covered mountains of Park City, Utah: the luge racing at the Winter Sports Park, snowbarding at Winter Mountain -- and skiing, skiing and more skiing at the Deer Valley Resort. Cut to the inside of a small but well preserved movie house... the smell of popcorn almost wafting through the screen as we pan the interior... empty... barren... the seats still... Except for two. Tim Dross and Steve "Soundbite" Roberts sit, a space apart, up in the balcony, Roberts' leather jacket is zipped to his neck as he tosses Gummi Bears at the screen. Dross, the picture of professionalism in his IIWF down jacket, smiles broadly and begins:] TD: Hello again everyone, you are _Tuned_In_ to the Egyptian Theatre here in Park City, Utah -- home of the Sundance Film Festival and venue site of the 2002 Winter Olympics! You are _Tuned_In_ to your weekly look at all the news, views, reviews and previews... highlights and sidelights... cheers and jeers.  Your look back at the week that was and then up ahead at what will be here in the NUMBER ONE wrestling organization in the world today... [The movie screen at the bottom of the theatre flickers on, filmmakers Joel and Ethan Coen, along with Jeff Bridges, Steve Buscemi and John Goodman fill the screen..and in time with Dross say the catchphrase:] "The _Mighty_ IIWF!" [The screen goes dark again, a loud guffaw by the crew heard as Dross continues.] TD: This is, as always, "Inside the IIWF".  I am Tim Dross and alongside me is my tag team colleague, the hardest working man in the rasslin' business, the... SR: Black Jesus. TD: ...the "Black Jesus".  Steve... "Soundbite"... Roberts! [Applause from the crew as they begin whistling Van Halen's "Running With the Devil".  Roberts slowly unzipping his jacket to reveal a familiar t-shirt featuring Chris Quigley and the plastic doll known as "Troy", mouths agape as the IIWF Coliseum crashes down upon them.  The words below the picture are taped over.] SR: Me and Mr. Jones, Dross... we're gonna be big, big stars. TD: Steve Roberts, welcome to Utah. SR: Dross -- we've been here three days -- I think I'm the only brother in the whole state other than Karl Malone.  And I ain't real sure about that guy. TD: Steve Roberts, your obvious ethnic confusion aside -- that was quite a performance with which we opened the show... is Hollywood calling your name? SR: Hollywood.  Holly Rock.  Halle Berry.  Whatever you gots, big man. Everybody wants a piece of the "Bite".  TD: Glad you could still find time for us. SR: Aw, Dross.  I'll always have time for the Double Eye until my piece of crap lawyers can find a way to get me out of this contract.  "Penalty clause"!  Who the hell negotiated that deal, Dross?  Kenneth Starr?  I can't get nothing going here, baby dolls.  Hell, only seven shows left then they cast me to the wind.  TD: I think we'll survive, Steve Roberts. SR: We?  We?  Oh, you'll be fine, Dross.  You with your Best Interviewer Award... TD: We, again, thank all of our great fans. SR: But what about poor little Steve?  Does anyone ever think about poor, little Steve?  I hear that new guy likes Becky.  Becky!  I would rather broadcast midget curling than go back to working with LaRue. And I ain't talking 'bout midgets curling... I'm talking about _midget_ curling. TD: Well, that's neither here nor there.  What's important is that we are here at the site of the main screening room, the Egyptian Theater, of the Sundance Film Festival... SR: Again, we missed it. TD: ...where films like Trey Parker's "Orgazmo", the Coen Brothers' "The Big Lebowski", "20 Dates" and "Burn" played to tremendous reception just a few short days ago.  But all of those films combined could not have played to more critical acclaim than the opening salvo of the IIWF on this "Road to Ring Wars V", which took place this past Saturday Night in San Diego, California... let's take one last look back at all that went down in front of 70,000 in Qualcomm Stadium! ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v v / | __| REWIND: |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| IIWF Saturday Night: 31 January 1998 ....................................................................... - Serge Annis d. Mad Dog Watkins - IIWF Intercontinental Championship: Duncan Macbeth d. Derek Mota (DQ) - Takezo Musashi d. Icehawk (C/O) - Christopher Stonebreaker d. Rick Williams - Down Boys d. Harlequins - Luke Steele d. Tony Starks (C/O) - Fabulous Ones d. Prophets of Rage (DQ) - Charles Scheffield d. Deathbringer (C/O) TD: Wild night from San Diego, a night which saw Serge Annis take the IIWF to the extreme with a "victory Plus" in that cage match... a win that was less important than the aftermath which saw Annis, unbelievably, set fire to that steel cage! SR: Serge has done the thing, Dross.  He's made the leap and he proved it Saturday Night.  Here's a guy who musta lost his first 10, 15, 78 matches here in the IIWF... but did that stop him? Did that stop him?  Hell, no.  Now he's a main eventer and there's a lesson in there for everyone. TD: Never give up? SR: Nope. TD: There's more than one way to skin a cat? SR: Nope. TD: Try to remember that night in September? SR: Nope... What?  No, Dross.  It's like this... Win if you can... Lose if you must... But always set somethin' on fire!  Damn, did you see that thing burn!  That was the Annis we heard about from the bush league Feds, Dross.  Burn, baby, burn.  Just like my old friend Huey Newton.  Power to the People, My Brothers! TD: Prior to the destruction of ringside -- there was quite a bit of activity traversing that part of the world on Saturday Night... the Intercontinental defense of Duncan Macbeth played home to Tim Turner, Moxy Blue... and two returnees to the IIWF, Ike Sampson and Simon Lebec. SR: Yeah, Mota got screwed over on Saturday -- but that's the way the world works, Dross.  Sometimes the dice come up snake eyes and sometimes Ike Sampson comes back from Japan.  I heard Sampson killed some woman on a subway over there, Dross.  TD: He did not. SR: Oh yeah... it's been in all the papers.  "Ike Sampson Kills Woman. Then Eats Hot Dog".  I hear these things. TD: The Cruiserweight championship also remained in the hands of its title holder... the tremendous Takezo Musashi defeated Icehawk in what was a teriffic matchup until the young aerialist took a really ugly fall outside the ring.  We are still uncertain about Icehawk's condition at this time... he is a fine young competitor with a bright singles future -- and hopefully he'll be back. SR: Probably stayed in California to shoot an episode of "Ellen" with Nathan Lane and the Indigo Girls. TD: We saw what apparently was the return of Billy Shakespeare, blinded in that horrible Snow Brawl attack by Rick Williams.  Shakespeare's shocking return was enough to give Christopher Stonebreaker the only edge he needed to defeat "To Excess". SR: Couple of good looking young guys, Dross... their match ruined when Blitzsphere, who left this company in disgrace after selling arms to the Iranians back in 1986.... TD: That was Oliver North.  SR: What? TD: Our last big scandal in the United States... that was Oliver North. Scowcroft.  Poindexter.  Oliver North. SR: ...What about the tags?  Tell me about the tags?  Please?  Please? Pleeeeeeeaaaaasssseeeee??? TD: We saw the Down Boys score a narrow win over the Harlequins, again showing they are one of the top teams in the world... and the Fabulous Ones, along with Paul Wong, got themselves kicked around pretty good in a disqualification win over the Prophets of Rage.  It looks like Derek and Dirt Dog are out to re-establish the Rages as the most hardcore tag team in all the world. SR: Was that so hard?  A little nibble?  A little gnosh?  A little tag hors d'oevre for the Almigty Soundbite!  Gay guys, clowns and my black brothers.  Nothin' better than a little tag action! TD: Two other singles matches saw Luke Steele defeat Tony Starks when the "Staten Island Sensation" walked away from the ring... and, in what could only be classifed as a major upset -- Charles Scheffield defeated the former IIWF Heavyweight Champion Deathbringer. SR: Ti-i-ime is on my side.  But not the dead man's, Dross.  Put him and the Psycho in the ring, Loser Loses Contract.  All the rest of the has-beens have been driven out of here by the new blood.  Even Byron's taken the low road.  Whaddoes that Blue say, "give 'em the boot!"  I think it's time that the dead man and the Psycho get their Hall of Fame speeches ready... 'Cause they done, baby dolls.  Turn out the lights, the party's over. I've always said that in this life you have to know two things: When to hold 'em. When to fold 'em. Throw in the cards, Dead Man.  Maybe Thunder's got an extra spot at the bridge table for you in Dumbass, Arizona. TD: A big win for young Scheffield in a night of big matches... it was IIWF Saturday Night... ...and this Wednesday will mark the return of the War Room... it's Larry and Dave... and here's your _First Look_! ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v v / | __| FIRST LOOK: |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| IIWF Wednesday War Room: 4 February 1998 ....................................................................... ---------------------------------------------- American Dragons vs. Rotundos "The Intrepid" Ryan Howard vs. El Super Gecko Ike Sampson vs. Scott "the Whine" Bloom "The Savior" Simon Lebec vs. The Masked Terror ---------------------------------------------- [A young IIWF intern races into the shot, handing Dross a piece of paper and then scampering away.] SR: Who's hiring the interns around here, Dross?  Can't the Soundbite hop along this gravy train?  TD: Steve Roberts... SR: No, Dross -- them interns are like an all you can eat buffet.  I've got my $6.99.  I've got my fork.  I'm ready for some surf and turf, Chico.  Let's just cut down on the turf a little bit - if you know what I'm saying. TD: Steve Roberts, I was just handed a bulletin that, approximately 10 minutes ago out on Wolf Mountain here in Park City, former pop singer turned game warden, Greg Kihn, was killed while playing cartoon tag while skiing. Apparently he had just become "George of the Jungle" and... well... he just didn't make it. SR: Damn method singers turned game wardens, Dross.  Why!  Why!  Why! TD: Greg Kihn will long be remembered for his hit 1980's albums, "Kihniesiology"... "Brother, Kihn You Spare A Dime"... and... "Tastes Just Like Kihntucky Fried ChicKihn". SR: It's damn sad, Dross.  I've composed a haiku to express my grief.  Rocker turned warden He's in Jeopardy, Baby. Watch out for that tree. TD: A life lost.  But -- on Wednesday some new IIWF superstars may be found when the War Room returns.  We'll see the newest tag sensation, the American Dragons... SR: More tags! TD: ...make their debut in the IIWF -- and three men will mark their returns to action: Ike Sampson, about whom we spoke earlier; Ryan Howard, who actually made his return at Snow Brawl, when he re-introduced himself to Tim Turner... and, perhaps of most interest, one Simon Lebec. SR: Okay, Dross... let's run this down.  Ike's only here until Japan gets extradition for that subway thing... I always liked Howard, 'till he ran away crying like a woman or a Stetson.  Far as I'm concerned he's a wait and see.  Now... Lebec.  You know, Dross.  There ain't no one in the history of this company weirder than Lebec... and that's just the things he's done. There's a pool cue locked up in the Tower that's testimony to the roads not taken by that guy. But I gotta feeling things might be different this time, Dross.  I gotta feeling this might be the go-round that the "Savior" actually finds some of the success he's gotten in the bush leagues. Either that or he'll flip out and marry his cousin right there in the middle of the ring! ------------------------------------------------------ Jimmy "Meatman" Steele vs. Paul Wong Edmund Fitzgerald vs. Steve Manning "Rocket Man" Timothy N. Turner vs. Richard "Moxy" Blue Deathbringer vs. Tragedy ------------------------------------------------------ TD: Wow.  Quite a night on Wednesday -- we have the singles debut of Paul Wong who will take on a man with quite a week ahead of him, The Meatman. SR: Meat!  Meat!  Meat!  Aw, you can't beat the meat, Dross.  Don't people see the possibilities?  Fans waving hunks of salami above their heads as he walks into the arena?  If he's knocked out by an opponent, he regains his strength when someone feeds him a corned beef sandwich? Come on, feel the noize.  It's MeatMania runnin' wild!! TD: Another tag team superstar trying to make is singles way is Edmund Fitzgerald -- he'll take on Steve Manning, which brings us to the retirement of one Chris Quigley.  Like him or not, respect him or not -- and believe me, there were few superstars in the history of the IIWF who drew a greater variation of opinion than did Chris Quigley... this was a guy who showed up every night -- a guy who won, who lost -- but who kept fighting for another day.  In a time where many superstars felt it easier to believe their to have been a conspiracy against them than that they came out on the short end of any stick, Chris Quigley took defeats when the came with an understanding of the bigger picture -- a picture that included his becoming truly one of the great IIWF Intercontinental Champions of all time.  And -- we wish him well. Steve, you had some interesting comments on Saturday... anything further? [Roberts stays silent, removing his leather jacket totally to allow his full t-shirt -- accompanying slogan still obscured by masking tape -- to be seen.]   TD: Great grudge match with former Cruiserweight Champion Timothy Turner taking on a man who was once so, so close to that belt, Richard "Moxy" Blue... and we will once again see the mighty Deathbringer... SR: You never count your money, when you're sittin' at the table. TD: ...as he takes on the always tough Harlequin Tragedy. It's Wednesday.  It's the War Room.  And it's coming your way tomorrow night! ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v v / | __| FIRST LOOK: |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| IIWF Saturday Night: 7 February 1998 ....................................................................... 1. IIWF World Heavyweight Championship Match: Steve "the Fury" Kowalski vs. Jimmy "the Meatman" Steele 2. IIWF World Tag Team Championship Match: Natural Predators vs. Team Sychosys 3. Derek Mota & "The Intrepid" Ryan Howard vs. "Rocketman" Timothy N. Turner & Duncan Macbeth 4. Subway Psycho & Tony Starks vs. American Dragons 5. Fabulous Ones vs. The Lost Boyz 6. "Savage" Shadoe Rage vs. "Sychosys" Joe Petrow 7. Marty Warnett vs. Battalion 8. Ronnie Paris vs. "The Demon" Damien Lestat TD: Big night of action coming your way as the Road to Ring Wars V moves 40 miles west to Salt Lake City and the Delta Center.  Your main event... the Heavyweight Champion of the World... Steve "The Fury" Kowalski -- and he has a little score to settle with a man by the name of Meat. SR: Meat!  Meat!  Me----oooohhhhh. Now, this is what we in the business call, "payin' your dues," Dross. The Meat could come in with a billion guys wavin' sticks of bologna, salami, loaves of french bread, jars of spicy mustard and pickles the size of seven year olds... But they still goin' be a Skullpump at the end of this one, Dross. TD: Tag titles on the line as part of a huge, huge night for Joe Petrow -- first he is the man up first on the "Run on Rage", Sychosys will meet Shadoe Rage in singles action.  Later in the night, Petrow and Maurice McArthur will take on the Natural Predators for the tag straps. SR: Nothing more fun than a night of Petrow, Dross.  Sure, I don't get the sunglasses, the twang that's developed in his speech, or his apparently new found obsession with prison poetry -- but, you know, what -- when Joe Petrow is in the house and the strap is on the line -- somebody's damn sure gonna get C-I-L-L'ed, Dross.  And that's a promise. TD: I have a feeling that Shadoe Rage/Joe Petrow match just might be one to watch this Saturday Night, one year ago the IIWF was treated to Dirt Dog Unique Allah vs. Joe Petrow, in what remains one of the great feuds in IIWF history... when these two men meet on Saturday -- the sparks are almost certain to fly. SR: Isn't there other tag action, Dross?  Please! Pleeaaaasssssseeeeee? TD: We'll indeed see the American Dragons make their Saturday Night debut against a team which we thought had broken up forever... Subway Psycho and Tony Starks... and we'll see some mixed action when the Intercontinental Champion Duncan Macbeth, along with his longtime friend... SR: Companion.  They like to be called companions. TD: ...Tim Turner take on the interesting alliance of Derek Mota and Ryan Howard.  You have to wonder if maybe a certain Ike Sampson might have something to say about the outcome of that matchup. SR: What a certain Ike Sampson should have something to say about are his whereabouts on January 3rd, Dross.  January 3rd, Sampson.  You killed a woman on the subway in Tokyo... then you ate a hot dog!  You are an evil, evil, hot dog eating man! TD: Also, the former tag team Champions, the Lost Boyz, will meet the Fabulous Ones in what could well be a bellweather matchup here along the Road to Ring Wars V. Also, two newcomers will hop right into the fire this Saturday Night... Damien Lestat, who has earned quite a reputation around the world of professional wrestling, will meet Ronnie Paris -- and Marty Warnett will take on a man known as Battalion. It's Saturday Night... It's coming your way... Don't miss a second! ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v v / | __| COMING FRIDAY: |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| Countdown to Saturday Night ....................................................................... [Roberts has exited the shot... and has been replaced by the 500 pound Mexican representative of the Jobber Justice Squad... The Smooth.] TD: Well, folks... that's all the time we have this week, please tune in next week when "Inside the IIWF" once again makes its way down south... all the way to Puerto Rico. So, please join Larry and Dave tomorrow for all the action on the "Wednesday War Room"... and Larry again for the "best weekly commentary show in all of wrestling", "Countdown to Saturday Night"... [Smooth, dressed in a "No Jobber Justice - No Jobber Peace" t-shirt looks at Dross with a raised eyebrow... but gets no reaction.] TD: And then, of course, Saturday Night quite simply will provide the only two hours of weekly live wrestling you need... it is IIWF Saturday Night -- and it hails this week from Salt Lake City. So... for Steve Roberts and for all of us here at "Inside the IIWF", I want to wish you all... good night! [Prince's "Seven" plays as Dross takes one of the Soundbite's Gummi Bears and pops it in his mouth... leading to the re-introduction to the shot of Roberts -- once again dressed in his bizarre "Orgasmo" costume, complete with "Orgazmorator".  Roberts silently yells out... "Stop, Thief!" And turns the beastly Orgazmorator onto Dross... Roberts rears back and fires... connecting squarely in the chest of... The Smooth, who dives clean in front of Dross, taking the oozing lazer shot. Smooth topples over... his head flopping upon the lap of Dross... the tears evident in the eyes of the veteran commentator who shakes his fist at Roberts, silently shouting: "You killed Smoothie, You bastard!" As the shot fades.] +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= I * I * W * F =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-+ | President: Daniel Spreadbury | Vice-President: Gregg Osterhout | | univ0322@sable.ox.ac.uk | ghost@frii.com | | iiwf@sisko.demon.co.uk | | +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- http://www.sisko.demon.co.uk -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=+