. ___. __ ____ __ ________ ______ ||\ |/ | || | | || | || |\ \ /\ / /| __| || \|\__ | __||__ | |_||__ | || | \ v v / | __| || | \|/ || | | || |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| ||______/|\__||__ | | ||_________________________ with Tim Dross and "Soundbite" Steve Roberts Tuesday 17 February 1998 ................................................... ["Louie, Louie" by the Kingsmen plays as the shot opens at Maria's Beach in the Barrio Puntas section of Rincon, Puerto Rico.  This jungle covered limestone land's end protuding into the Caribbean like a thumb of a hitchhiker looking for a ride to Miami is home to virtually nothing -- the occasional gambling surf traveler and the wandering bushwackers, slinking around with their pants around their ankles as they pleasure themselves to the sights of the occasional comely gringo. This is not a problem for Tim Dross and Steve "Soundbite" Roberts.  The two veteran commentators are seated in an even more relaxed fashion than last week, leaning back on enormous beach chairs in the middle of the dead sand.  Perched behind Roberts is a slightly plump brunette, who rubs his shoulders and whispers in his ear.  Each man is decked in the Ray-Ban sunglasses, with Dross being the one sporting a two day growth of stubble as they kick back in a manner as completely relaxed as one could possibly be when poised to begin a broadcast.  Dross' flowered shirt is untucked and the Soundbite is shirtless in his leather jacket, a red number: 5 painted on his chest.  A paper bagged glass bottle of indetermined origin sits in between our two commentators while, sprawled out in the background are the half dozen Ohio St. students who appeared on last week's show... the travel having clearly taken its toll as their rowdiness has been converted to a slumber that seems closer to death than somnolence. The sounds of the humpbacked whales shouldering the swells of the Mona Passage are heard as the music fades and the shot gingerly zooms on a slow talking Dross:] TD: Hey, wrestling pals.  You are turned on to the big, big show we have here on Tuesdays. My name is Tim -- and I'll be your waiter. [Dross chuckles, taking a swig from the bottle implanted on the beach, then passing it over to Roberts.] TD: We are here in beautiful Puerto Rico, on Maria's Beach in Rincon, surrounded by chicken carcasses, half eaten tortillas and, dare I say, all the love in the world.  Steve -- Go. SR: Mmmmm.  What's that thing you say, Dross -- the thing about the previews? TD: News, views, reviews and previews, highlights and sidelights, cheers and jeers, a look back at the week that was and then up ahead at what will be here in the the number one wrestling organization in the world today... [The Ohio St. students pick up their heads, as all the men quietly recite the catch phrase...] "...the mighty IIWF." [The Buckeyes drop their heads into the sand again... a sense of unrelenting heaviness... slowness... oozing through the shot.] TD: Okay, so now we're gonna talk about the wrestling.   The Road to Ring Wars... SR: Nah, Nah, first you introduce the money. TD: Here he is... the Black Jesus. SR: Thanks buddy.  See folks, we're out here at the end of the line. The end of the road.  It's unnatural.  You belong to me.  I belong to you. TD: We're maybe a little tired today, everybody.  The Road to Ring Wars V has taken sort of a... relaxed... turn as we get closer to that big... big Pay-Per-View from Wembley Stadium.  The sun is beating and the rum is... well, let's just say that the locals have plied us with some liquid libations during our extended beach stay. [An Hispanic man enters the shot carrying a new bottle for the boys, placing it in the sand he utters "Hijo de puta" before walking away.] TD: Good, good people.  SR: Drosser, don't we do something here.  The tap dancing... the sword swallowing... eat the live chickens... no, no, wrestling.  Hey, buddy -- this is a wrestling show.  We talk about the guys and the thing and the thing. TD: The _mighty_ IIWF! SR: Okay, buddy.  No more Coca-Cola for you. Can somebody roll the... [One of the Ohio St. kids hops to his feet, handing a small cigarette to the Soundbite.] SR: No, brother no.  T.V., baby dolls.  T.V.  Roll the shot, you know, the highlight everything that went down on Saturday Night. ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v v / | __| REWIND: |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| IIWF Saturday Night: 14 February 1998 ....................................................................... - Steve Kowalski d. Shadoe Rage Shadoe Rage d. Duncan Macbeth Shadoe Rage d. "Enigma" Takezo Musashi (DQ) - IIWF World Tag Team Championship: Natural Predators d. Fabulous Ones - Ike Sampson d. Ryan Howard - The Meatman d. Luke Steele - Gunnar Gaines d. Battalion - Prophets of Rage d. Down Boys - Christopher Stonebreaker d. Steve Manning - Deathbringer d. Simon Lebec (DQ) [The young woman moves in front of Roberts, kneeling before him.] SR: No... No... Down on Saturday Night.  Saturday Night.  You people have to start paying attention to me.  LOOK AT ME!!  LOOK AT ME!!  God I'm a sexy, sexy man.  Ever look at my skin, Dross.  It's luminous.  The sheen.  Somedays I wallow in my own marvelousness.  Can I rub your belly for luck, Dross? TD: Sure, buddy.  Absatively.  First lets talk about the World Champion, Dan Kauffman. SR: Whoa.  Jesus Christ, Dross -- that'll scare a man sober.  Don't even joke about stuff like that.  Dan Kauffman.  Ge-awd.  Next you're gonna say that the Subway Psycho is getting a title shot. TD: Steve Kowalski.  The Great Kowalski defeated Shadoe Rage with the Skullpump, once again showing the world why he is indeed IIWF Champion. And... and... and... the Fury also hung one on Grizzly Gaines earlier in the night following the Gunnar's easy win over the newcomer Battalion. SR: God I like that Battalion.  He's like an angel on my shoulder. Near, far, wherever you are.  But this Gaines is strong -- you know we talked about this last week -- here's a guy who was the Number One wrestler in the world back in '74 or something like that.  I heard he was in all those toughman contests that you see on ESPN, he once lifted a huge, purple... thing... way up over his head. TD: Gaines/Kauffman is certainly a match the people will line up to see only on Pay-Per-View! SR: No... No... he's Japanese. TD: What? SR: What? TD: The Intercontental Champion, Duncan Macbeth had quite a night, losing to Shadoe Rage... SR: And... NEW... Intercontinental Champion... TD: No, Steve Roberts.  This match was not a switch to Shadoe Rage. SR: DQ? TD: No. SR: Countout? TD: No, pinfall. SR: New champion! TD: Fine.  Duncan Macbeth, the former Intercontinental Champion, had quite a busy night, losing to Rage with help from Takezo Musashi -- who himself would go onto lose to Rage as the "Run of Rage" continues... SR: And... NEW... IIWF Intercontinental Champion... TD: Macbeth also was involved in losses by Simon Lebec -- to the Deathbringer... SR: Deathbringer?  No, Dross, no.  You're thinking about Kauffman again.  It's the 90's, baby dolls.  Yeah, I liked Pat O'Connor too when I was 11 years old, but eventually we move on.  The Deathbringer.  Man. Are we in reruns, Dross?  Are we the goddamn Classic Sports Network at 9:00 AM on Saturday Mornings watching guys claw hold each other for twenty-eight minutes?  Kauffman really ain't Champion again, is he, Dross? TD: ...and Ryan Howard, who once again got beaten pillar to post before and after the match... and took the loss to Ike "Wrestle Clean" Sampson. SR: Now this is no good, Dross.  This is no good.  Okay, so Ike Sampson doesn't cheat and he's really strong and everybody loves him now.  Fine. Good.  But let me tell you this... let me tell you this... HE KILLED THAT WOMAN IN TOKYO!  Jesus Christ I know that it's just a Japanese woman and so it doesn't really count, but COME ON PEOPLE!  Didn't you see the newspaper!   It was in all the headlines: IKE SAMPSON KILLS WOMAN, THEN EATS HOT DOG I hate each and every one of you sick, Nazi, jackbooted bastards.  First you go after Eddie Murphy, then my boy Clinton... [The young woman again moves in front of Steve, kneeling before him once more.] SR: No... No... George Clinton, baby.  P-Funk. Nothin' but the dog in me. TD: We have tag team champions too... the Natural Predators once again kept their straps with a win over Rising Sun Revolution... SR: Lost Boys.  They beat the Lost Boys. TD: Right.  Right.  No, no, the Fabulous Ones, the Natural Predators beat the Fabulous Ones with help from a team in the Down Boys who lost earlier in the night to the Prophets of Rage... and... that match... that match was aided by... SR: Batman. [The Ohio St. guys pick their heads out of the sand, all of them singing... almost in time... "Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-Lea-der" and then agan passing out.] TD: I don't think it was Batman, Soundbite Steve.  I think it was someone dressed like Batman.  SR: Nope.  It was the Caped Crusader.  He was stuck in the deep freeze chamber and he _just_reached_his_utility_belt and he escaped and the first place he decided to go was IIWF Saturday Night to knock out the Down Boys.  Forget about Frank Gorshen's plan to take over the earth one puppydog at a time... Batman came to save us.  Batman came to take me with him back to the Batcave.  I've seen the future, Drossy -- and it works.  TD: I don't think it was Batman. SR: I was aroused by Michelle Pfeiffer in the second Batman. Now... here's something, buddy.  Here's something, everybody hates the tags, right?  Everybody hates all the tagging and the women and the managers and the cheese graters, so okay... If they could start getting Michelle Pfeiffer to come to the matches and wear the catsuit... if she could come to the matches and wear the catsuit -- I'll be the biggest tag team wrestling fan in the country. I'll be talkin' bout the clubberin' and the whodedoo and clapclapclapping along with the morons when the tough guy crawls across the ring so slowly so the gay guy can come into the ring and start dropkicking the lights out.  I'll be that guy, Dross.  Hell -- I'll even start managing a gay guy/tough guy tag team if I can get Michele Pfeiffer in that cat suit to play hello kitty with Poppa Soundbite. TD: Meatman!  SR: Hey, how's about it, Timbo?  Meatguy beats Steele with some Stonebreaker jack -- and that's after Stonebreaker beat Manning. TD: Meat!  Meat!  Meat!  Meat! SR: Gotta get you out of the sun, buddy. TD: No, no... Manning... he doesn't wrestle clean.  You wanted to say... 'member, you wanted to say about Manning. SR: Oh yeah.  I thought we went through this with that awful tag team that used to be around here... TD: Pain Inc.! SR: No, the other one. TD: The Armed Forces!  Nav and Def! SR: Dammit, Dross -- you're pissing me off... I'm starting to think you shouldn't have any more of the potion. [Dross grabs the bottle away from Roberts, cradling it to his breast like a mother lioness to its newborn.] SR: No... they had initials.  Anyway, anywho, they kept using the taser... the taser... the taser... and I warned 'em that was stupid ass embarrassing stuff.  Listen close, Manning -- Barbed wire baseball bat = You're hardcore. Electrical Prod -- You're clown college. Get that, poseur?  You wanna play "I'm the Loose Cannon who can still go?"  Fine... but do it like a damn man.  Jesus.  Batman and the Mountie, all in one night.  Next you'll tell me the Subway Psycho is wrestling for the title. TD: The Arabian Knights!  SR: Yeah, maybe it was them.  Dunno.  Goodnight, Everybody!! ["Why Don't We Get Drunk And Screw" by Jimmy Buffett plays as Roberts and Dross slowly make their way up, Dross swaying mightily as he needs Roberts' shoulder for balance, the Ohio St. kids staggering to their feet and beginning the chant of "I-I-W-F" as the shot begins to fade, Dross now with a quizzical look on his face... Dross now shaking his head and waving his arms, the music suddenly comes to a screeching halt as the shot zooms on Dross:] TD: Ah, [BLEEP]. ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v v / | __| FIRST LOOK: |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| IIWF Wednesday War Room: 18 February 1998 ....................................................................... ------------------------------------- Billy Shakespeare vs. El Super Gecko Tragedy vs. Mini-Deathbringer Tony Starks vs. "Nifty" Ned Norton Paul Wong vs. The Masked Terror Battalion vs. Scott "the Whine" Bloom ------------------------------------- [Dross sways again... then points to Roberts, covers his mouth and runs from the shot.] SR: Okay morons, Dross is gone.  Dross is gone and that means that I am here with my new co-host... What's your name, baby? [The young woman sits down in Dross' chair, looking like the cat that swallowed the canary.] GIRL: Monica. SR: Monica's a pretty name, baby -- and what do you do for a living, Monica? MONICA: It's not really a what... more like a who. SR: Well, whatever it is that you're doing, baby, keep it up.  'Cause you know more holds than Ronnie Paris. MONICA: Who? SR: Exactly.  Okay, so what... I'm supposed to say we're gonna have a big, big card.  Okay.  Whatever.  Hey folks, don't miss the big card. Who the hell's on that card?  Hey, Hey Paco -- grab that cue card and bring it on over here! [The Hispanic man from earlier in the broadcast returns, handing Steve a cue card and muttering, "besa mi colo" as he departs.] SR: Thanks, baby dolls.  The third world digs me. Okay, we got a blind guy wrestling tomorrow, that's always fun.  The fans dig the crippled wrestlers, I remember how Kerry Von Erich only had one foot and the people loved him. 'Course he killed himself.  You could learn a lesson from that guy, Blitzsphere. There's Starks -- and he's a black guy so you know he's tough.  And there's Wong, and he was crying on Saturday so you know he's gay.  Hell, maybe they could start tagging together.  Would you like to see that, Monica?  A black guy and a gay guy teaming up?  Sorta like the "Lethal Weapon" movies.  MONICA: I loooove Mel Gibson, he used to buy me presents, you know.  SR: Really?  Isn't ole' Mel married? MONICA: You won't tell, will you Soundbite?  Your my best friend in the whole world!  I'd hate it if anything happened to Mel Gibson, he bought me a book of poetry and told me inside secrets about 20th Century Fox and everything. [Dross is heard wretching off screen.] SR: You are one groovy, groovy little chick, Mon.   We're gonna see Battalion, a red hot newcomer here in the IIWF, I don't think we've seen such excitement from a rookie since Mark Destructo.  And... and... oh, folks.  Never in my long wrestling career have I been so excited. [Monica begins to slide her hand down the Soundbite's painted chest.] SR: You like the older men, don't you baby? Anywho, what a great match we have when Tragedy takes on a midget. That's right, folks -- after years and years of my begging the suits... we finally have midgets in the IIWF!  Woooooo!!  Now folks, we are so, so close to building the Double Eye into the kinda company we can all be proud of again -- next we'll get a women's division... then hire some celebritiy timekeepers... and soon... oh, please oh, please... the Subway Psycho will once again be fighting for the World's Championship! [Dross once more is heard off screen, the words, "Oh... No... Not... Again..." are heard.] SR: Exactly how I feel, buddy.  ------------------------------------------------ Down Boys vs. American Dragons Derek Mota/ & Richard "Moxy" Blue vs. Harlequins "Enigma" Takezo Musashi vs. Edmund Fitzgerald ------------------------------------------------ SR: And some other matches. There's a couple of tags, that's always fun.  Hey -- it's the American Dragons!  You know, Monica, they have a slogan: ANY TEAM ANY TIME And, that's pretty good, you know.  But I can't help but think that something is missing... MONICA: Knee pads? SR: No, that ain't it, baby.  See, the Dragons tell me who they'll fight... and the Dragons tell me when they'll fight them... but... there's just something missing... something they don't tell me... something... MONICA: Nuclear codes? SR: No, baby.  Try to follow along.  We know... who they'll fight.  We know... when they'll fight.  But what don't we know... who, when... MONICA: Where? SR: Ding! Ding! Ding!  You're the big winner, baby -- and I'll give you the grand prize after the show.  Anywhere, yeah -- if the Dragons would only put that into their little slogan they might go places. [Dross now returns to the shot, his hands in his head as he sees that his chair is occupied by the young woman with the roving hands.] SR: And there are two other matches. It's the War Room!  Wooooooooo!! ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v v / | __| FIRST LOOK: |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| IIWF Saturday Night: 21 February 1998 ....................................................................... 1. IIWF World Heavyweight Championship Match: Steve "the Fury" Kowalski vs. Subway Psycho 2. Over The Top Rope Death Match: "Savage" Shadoe Rage vs. Steve Manning vs. "Team Psychosis" 3. Team Sychosys vs. "Rocket Man" Timothy N. Turner & Duncan Macbeth 4. "Blacklight" Billy Shakespeare vs. "To Excess" Rick Williams 5. Serge Annis vs. Edmund Fitzgerald 6. Six-man Tag Team Action: Down Boys & Richard "Moxy" Blue vs. Fabulous Ones & MYSTERY PARTNER 7. Christopher Stonebreaker vs. "Real Deal" Luke Steele 8. Deathbringer vs. Harlequin Tragedy [Dross tumbles into his chair, young Monica squealing as Roberts is just able to pull her free.] SR: Damn, Dross.  Get your own toys. TD: Folks... I have to apologize for Steve Roberts and myself.  We have spent the last two weeks, well, on beaches and perhaps consuming a few more adult beverages than we should.  We ap... Steve, you don't seem particularly affected any longer.... SR: Why, Dross, I don't know what you're talking about.  Appearing with a level of impairment on the broadcast would certainly violate the new get tough "Wrestle Clean" policy.  That could lead to some type of disciplinary action. Shame, Shame! Don't draw me into your little web of lies and deceit, Dross!  Don't try to pawn off your dark little secret on me.  This is your hell, buddy. Accept your higher power and take the first of your twelve steps to a new future. TD: Good grief. SR: A good power to accept would be the Black Jesus, by the way, Dross. Just consider it. TD: Big card this Saturday Night, Steve Kowalski takes on the Subway Psycho in a World Championship contest... SR: Huh.  You know I hadn't noticed that was scheduled, Dross.  That'll be fun.  Good, evenly matched contest.  You know the IIWF is all about competition. TD: Joe Petrow returns to action, he and Team Sychosys meeting the Intercontinental Champion Duncan Macbeth and his friend and... SR: Companions.  They like to be called companions. TD: ...partner Tim Turner.  Our regards to Mr. Petrow, whose US Curling team just missed out on a medal in Winter Olympic action.  Also, Billy Shakespeare will meet Rick Williams... SR: And we big a fond farewell to young Blitzsphere -- oh, he had so much promise with his bear hugs and reverse chinlock... but now, Dross, now he's meeting up with the man who will end his career.  See, Dross -- I've been looking at these new guys -- and I've decicided that the one with the upside is Slick Rick -- Dross, this guy has more attitude than a supermodel with a head cold.  I think we will finally see Rick Williams get his due this week and take the next step here in the Double Eye. TD: Serge Annis attempts to get back on track against Edmund Fitzgerald -- and the Deathbringer looks for revenge against Tragedy. SR: Hey, Dross -- you know I normally skip that Wednesday show... but this time _we_got_midgets!! TD: Shadoe Rage continues his "Run of Rage" against the -- SR: Shockmaster. TD: ...Steve Manning.  Rivals christopher Stonebreaker and Luke Steele will get a piece of each other.  And the Down Boys with Moxy Blue will meet the Fabulous Ones and a mystery partner. SR: I know who it is. TD: No you do not.  Folks -- all of this will take place in a real snakepit down here in Puerto Rico, where you are likely to see a very "in your face" potentially hostile crowd -- a crowd which will certainly come alive when we have, as our very special Saturday Night guest, Puerto Rican legend the "Magnificent Carlitos"!  [The Hispanic man once more enters the shot, yelling "Tech-ni-co... Tech-ni-co!", jumping around almost deliriously at the sound of the name of Carlitos.  He then looks at Roberts, spitting on the ground and muttering "pinche cabron" before exiting the shot.] SR: Hey, thanks, baby dolls.  I like that guy, Dross -- I think he'll be my new best friend. TD: Folks, it is Saturday Night... and it's coming your way from Puerto Rico! ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v v / | __| COMING FRIDAY: |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| Countdown to Saturday Night ....................................................................... [Monica has assumed a position on Roberts' lap, the Ohio St. kids now standing and swaying back and forth to music only they can hear.  Dross sadly hanging his head.] TD: Okay.  We are thankfully out of time, tune in tomorrow to Larry and Dave and Becky... SR: I told you this would happen, Dross. TD: ...as they bring you "Wednesday War Room"... and then Saturday as Larry and his special guest... SR: Hey, I think Monica did a good job, maybe she can be Larry's special guest.  Sure, she's no Chuck Norris, but she'll do in a pinch. TD: ...bring you "Countdown to Saturday Night"... and then, of course, two big hours of live wrestling -- "IIWF Saturday Night" -- don't miss a minute of action! For Steve Roberts... SR: Don't bring me into your Hell. TD: I am your apologetic Tim Dross saying, a very quiet, good night, everybody. ["I Walk The Line" by Johnny Cash plays as Dross buries his head in his hands, Roberts taking another swig from the bottle and offering one to Monica, who gratefully accepts... and appears to be about to show Roberts the depth of that gratitude as the shot and music fade.]        +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= I * I * W * F =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-+ | President: Daniel Spreadbury | Vice-President: Gregg Osterhout | | univ0322@sable.ox.ac.uk | ghost@frii.com | | iiwf@sisko.demon.co.uk | | +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- http://www.sisko.demon.co.uk -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=+