. ___. __ ____ __ ________ ______ ||\ |/ | || | | || | || |\ \ /\ / /| __| || \|\__ | __||__ | |_||__ | || | \ v v / | __| || | \|/ || | | || |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| ||______/|\__||__ | | ||_________________________ with Tim Dross and "Soundbite" Steve Roberts Tuesday 24 February 1998 ................................................... ["Chantilly Lace" by the Big Bopper plays as the shot opens on the interior of a blue and white Boeing Business Jet. We see the spacious accommodations of this modified 737, a conference area, a full sized in-flight shower, 28 inch wide seats and a satellite communications suite providing a dozen travellers with the most luxurious of business amenities for the professional traveller. Smiling stewardesses approach passengers with full course meals; we see near the back of the plane, 1996 Republican candidate for President of the United States Bob Dole ploughing through a grilled chicken sandwich. Several rows ahead... are veteran IIWF commentators Tim Dross and Steve "Soundbite" Roberts. Dross is in his customary blue blazer along with a prominent "Wrestle Clean" lapel pin, while the Soundbite is wearing a t-shirt with the slogan: "Do You Want To See Something _Really_ Scary?" Roberts, seated at the window, peers outward, a smile creeping across his face as there appears from our poor vantage point to be... something... flash from outside the jet. Roberts shakes his head and closes the shade on his window as the music fades and Dross begins.] TD: Hello everyone, you are_Tuned_In to 20,000 miles over the Sea! You are _Tuned_In_ to your weekly look at all the news, views, reviews and previews -- highlights and sidelights -- cheers and jeers. A look back at the week that was and then up ahead at what will be here in the NUMBER ONE wrestling organization in the world today... [The other passengers look up from their laptops and meals, all of them including the former Senate Majority Leader saying in time with Dross...] "The _Mighty_ IIWF!" TD: I am your host, Tim Dross and Welcome to "Inside the IIWF" -- alongside me as always is my tag team colleague, The hardest working man in the Rasslin' Business.... Steve Roberts, why do you keep looking out the window? SR: Just checking the sights, Drossy. Just checkin' the sights. TD: Ladies and Gentlemen, the... Black Jesus, Steve "Soundbite" Roberts! [The collection of flight attendants, all female and quite fetching, appear in the cabin, humming Van Halen's "Running With the Devil" as the Soundbite grins.] TD: Steve Roberts... Welcome. SR: Drossy, this is the life, baby dolls. Finally this show is getting a little respect -- no more cramped IIWF Express, no more of that fat man Nils with his Eurotrash black turtlenecks and his "I'm ever so sophsticated, unlike yourself, unwashed plebeian" demeanor, this new Administration has got its priorites in order and is finally showcasing the money. We are goin' out_in_style, Dross! TD: We are indeed somewhere over the Atlantic on our way to Nagano, Japan, the home of the just concluded Winter Olympic Games and the next stop on the Road to Ring Wars V! Folks, that big broadcast is coming your way in just a few weeks -- and you all know that Ring Wars is traditionally the signature event, the crown jewel in the Pay-Per-View crown, it is never too early to call your cable company!! SR: Which we could do from this plane. This is a sweet ass ride, Dross. More Harlequin Melody than Becky LaRue -- if you know what I'm saying. TD: I never know what you're saying. But I do know that we are travelling on the Boeing Business Jet, courtesy of our friends at the Boeing Corporation... SR: Bombs Away!! TD: ...the model of modern convenience for the professional traveller. We are sharing this plane with the true movers and shakers, the wheelers and the dealers... SR: The toppermost of the poppermost. TD: And we hope that maybe we can get a few words with some of them before the end of the broadcast. SR: Now, the people need to understand that we're actually in Nagano right now. TD: Steve. SR: See folks, all of this is on tape... or what we in the entertainment biz like to call "plausibly live". TD: Steve. SR: ...Actually, this flight took place two and a half months ago along with the gold medal run by Picabo Street. But, your local television station, in its infinite wisdom, decided to delay the broadcast so you all could watch Tara Lipinski taking her post-breakfast dump every night in prime time. TD: How about we take our look back at all the action from Bayomon this past Saturday Night! SR: Which actually took place in 1983. But since Michelle Kwan was getting her teeth polished, and for the love of God we couldn't miss that -- we're just getting around to showing you now. ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v v / | __| REWIND: |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| IIWF Saturday Night: 21 February 1998 ....................................................................... - IIWF Heavyweight Championship: Steve Kowalski d. Subway Psycho - Shadoe Rage d. Prophets of Rage/Manning - Team Sychosys draw Macbeth/Turner - Rick Williams draw Billy Shakespeare - Serge Annis d. Edmund Fitzgerald - Deathbringer d. Tragedy (DQ) - Natural Predators/Peterson d. Fabs/Lestat (DQ) - Luke Steele d. Christopher Stonebreaker [Roberts again peers out the window, which he closes with a chuckle as he turns again toward the camera.] TD: Are you still with us, Steve? SR: I's jus' havin' fun, Dross. Don't be tryin' to Krush my Groove, Jack. TD: Wild scene last Saturday Night, as we barely escaped with our lives in what was perhaps an ill advised sojourn to Puerto Rico, the turmoil caused when local legend "The Magnificent Carlitos" was viciously attacked by our own Takezo Musashi. SR: We got somethin' goin' here, Dross -- since his return to the Double Eye, the Enigma has been running wild all over the world of professional wrestling -- and since he ran Paris clean outta the company, this freak has been chewin' this place up. I gotta say _right_now_ that the Bolivian guy is the dominant figure in all the IIWF! TD: Takezo Musashi is Japanese -- and he will be returning to his homeland this Saturday Night in a big non-title Champion vs. Champion matchup against Duncan Macbeth. But... judging from the end of last Saturday Night... it may not be the Intercontinental Champion that he is after. Takezo Musashi became the latest man to "call out" the World Champion Steve Kowalski, following the Fury's solid win over the Subway Psycho. SR: Solid. That's a Drossism for "embarrassing squash". Helluva job there, Subway -- now get your "Big John Studd _Still_ Outworks Me" ass the hell out off the roster so I can stop having to answer "Child Pornographer" when some hottie asks what I do for a living because I'm too freakin' ashamed to say I work for a company that would put your "no one has heard me speak since the Carter Administration" ass in a Main Event. TD: The Enigma was not alone in his pursuit of the World Champion -- one Gunnar Gaines demanded a title shot, saying that there wasn't an IIWF wrestler worthy of facing him -- and making a number of incendiary charges toward IIWF Administration prior to the emergence of The Meatman... who certainly showed the Grizzly one what some of the guys in the back thought of his statements. SR: Here's something I want to make clear, Dross. This Gaines looks good -- I said it when he got here and I meant it. Sure, I always expect him to follow up his "Beat me if you can" slogan by pointing to his palm and saying "Huss, Huss" -- but he's a big, loud sumbitch and we like that around here. However... However... Gaines. There's something you might wanna get clear -- and since we still have... how many shows do we have left, Dross? TD: After tonight, there are three. SR: Thank God Almighty. Hey, Dross -- my book's coming out from Harper Collins over the summer -- think I can knock off a couple of weeks early to go visit my editor Wyncia? TD: Which book is this? SR: "Steve Roberts Guide to Making Love to Steve Roberts." Full color illustrations. Forward by Jack Paar. TD: You were talking about Gunnar Gaines. SR: Oh yeah... yeah. See, here's the deal, Gaines -- you seem to be under the misapprehension that anyone in the IIWF gives two craps about that land of overrated, bed wetting sycophants that used to call themselves the "Loop". "Oh, Spreadbury doesn't like me 'cause it'll make the IIWF look bad." That's pussy talk, Gaines. The truth is no one in the IIWF front office has used the word "Loop" since the guy who was 387-0 over there got his ass kicked over here by Blitzsphere a year ago and whined about it with the rest of the pillow biters. The reason that little "takeover"... TD: Steve. SR: The reason that little "takeover" was stopped wasn't just 'cause everyone over here was bored to death by it -- it was because even my boy Dross couldn't sell the possibility of a bunch of Godawful, talentless, moronic, inbred sons of unnamed goats like the "Fruit Loopers" of even taking over the jockstrap washing duties of the towel boys in the IIWF, much less actually beating a real live wrestler. And my boy Dross could sell water to a drowning man, Gaines. You wanna stay here and fight in the Number One Fed in the world each of the last two years? An organization that put those infantile nad sucklers out of commission? Then put your boots on and get in the ring like everyone else. 'Cause no one cares about your whiny little conspiracy theories, Gunnar. And no one 'round here cares about the Loop. I guarantee you that. TD: ...the other man who has his sights set on the World Championship belt is one Shadoe Rage, whose incredible "Run of Rage" continues unabated. This Saturday Night, this newest of superstars defeated Steve Manning and his longtime stablemates the Prophets of Rage. You have to like the look of this young man as he continues to take full advantage of that huge Snow Brawl win. SR: What about the tags, Dross! Tell me about the tags! TD: Well, the big tag team news coming out of this past Saturday Night was the shocking change of attitude... SR: Heel turn. TD: ...by the Down Boys, who following the disqualification win by Adam Peterson and the Natural Predators over the Fabulous Ones and Damien Lestat... SR: The ugly guy be wrong, Dross. He just be wrong. Hey, Lestat -- fatback, chitterlings, sweet potato pie, Harlequin Melody -- that's the kind of sweet juicy meat you want to sink those choppers into, baby dolls. Ann Rice went out with the Rubik's Cube and self esteem. TD: ...The Down Boys then turned on the Tag Team Champions in a plot which apparently was hatched all the way back at Snow Brawl -- you can bet that they will now have their sights set on those tag belts as we move closer to Ring Wars 5. SR: You know who else wants those straps, Dross? Petrow. There's a lot of talk about Petrow in the locker room these days... a lot of guys saying that Petrow's lost it. That he shot his wad against Chrissie at Snow Brawl and now he's just playing out the string at the ass end of the Double Eye losing all these tag matches... TD: Actually, Team Sychosys and Macbeth/Turner was a double countout this past Saturday. SR: Whatever. All I'm saying is that I think Crazy Joe wants to show that he can win those tag straps with a guy like Maurice McArthur, a guy that he built up from literally nothing -- it would be something that's unparalleled in this sport and cement his status as a legend. TD: Do you really believe that? SR: Nah. I'm just counting the days until my contract runs out and I can go work on my book. TD: We also saw the reunification of... SR: The Soviet Union! Wooooo! Woooooo! Whatchu gonna do Yankee Dogs when the mighty USSR and the Largest Army in the World Runs wild On YOU!! [A man who had previously been reading a newspaper next to Bob Dole, seemingly oblivious to the discussion now stands... and briskly walks into the cockpit.] TD: You shouldn't say things like that. SR: You shouldn't eat so many cheeseburgers. TD: I like cheeseburgers. SR: I like totalitarian regimes. [Another man now stands, tugging at his ear and speaking into his wrist as he makes his way to the conference room in the rear of the plane.] TD: Actually, I was referring to Wong and O'Neal. The Machines are back together and seemingly stronger than ever. Paul Wong displayed a mean streak that we have never seen from the young man -- and those two were instrumental in costing the Harlequins a win over the Deathbringer. SR: Doncha just love it when the gay guys get all bitchy? Too bad about the 'Quins, though, young Melody was all broken up about the match later on in the evening. Her pouty lips quivering, her perky bosom heaving with sadness, her twitchy little posterior tilted up in the air ever so slightly as I began the Soundbite Stroke... TD: We also saw wins by Luke Steele and Serge Annis, along with a draw between Billy Shakespeare and Rick Williams when Marty Warnett interfered. SR: Put your left hand down, in a firm handshake. Talk to me about the one big break. TD: Finally, we witnessed the continued development of one Ike Sampson, who has really taken this "Wrestle Clean" campaign to heart and become perhaps the standard-bearer for the new IIWF direction. SR: Yeah, Ike broke up fights. What that tells me is that the Jobber Justice Squad finally has an Affirmative Action program. Ned Norton and Scott Bloom are sitting around one night -- and Norton says, "I can't eat any more of this chicken..." and Bloom says, "We can't let it go to waste, there are little Enigmas starving in China..." TD: Japan. SR: Whatever. And then El Super Gecko comes sweeping and says, "Hsssssss, Whatttt weeee neeeed is a fatttttt blackkkkk guyyyyyy." Voila. Ike Sampson. TD: Good grief. SR: Notice Ike isn't wrestling this week, think that's a coincidence? Hell, no. He's wanted for murder in Japan, Dross. He'll never come back here. I read about it in the papers: Ike Sampson Kills Woman Then Eats Hot Dog They'll lock him up and put him in jail faster than you can say, "Pass the Cheetoes", Ike. No way he comes to Japan this week. TD: I don't know about that, Steve Roberts, but there are a number of IIWF superstars who will appear in action as the Road to Ring Wars 5 hits the Pacific Rim -- lets take our _First_Look_ at all the action! ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v v / | __| FIRST LOOK: |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| IIWF Wednesday War Room: 25 February 1998 ....................................................................... [Roberts again peers out of his window, the Soundbite now making... faces... sticking out his tongue, waving his arms -- and again laughing as he returns his attention forward. Roberts not noticing that a small boy wearing a leather jacket, perhaps 6 years old, has walked up to the seats belonging to he and Dross and is now tugging on Dross' arm.] TD: Steve, why don't we... urp. Well, hello young fellow... SR: Hey Dross, know what's a good word? Wello. Just say wello instead of saying, "Well hello" Imagine the time you'd save everyday. You could spend that time more productively, the Stairmaster, the Beaver Trap, maybe updating the resume -- you're only three shows away from becoming Larry Morton, Dross -- don't forget that. TD: Steve, we have a visitor. What's your name, son? Boy: Carson. I'm Carson and I want to meet the Black Jesus. SR: Wello! Another L'il Soundbiter is born, slide on over here Carson and listen to the Soundbite give his testimony. Hey, Carson, do you like Gladiator movies? TD: Good grief. ------------------------------------------------- Eddy "Flap" Jacks vs. Masked Terror Nick "The Schooner" McGill vs. "Nifty" Ned Norton "The Intrepid" Ryan Howard vs. El Super Gecko ------------------------------------------------- TD: Big card coming your way tomorrow night -- and we'll meet two newcomers in Eddy Jacks and Nick McGill. SR: What is the deal with the food here, Dross? Jacks is named after pancakes and McGill after fishing boats -- put them with the Meatguy... Carson: You can't beat the meat! SR: That's right, l'il buddy. You can't beat the meat. But seriously, Dross, what we need next is a guy named after a desert. Like say... cheesecake. I'm gonna start calling one of these guys cheesecake. Carson: Thoot, Thoundbite! Thoot! SR: Hah! Hah! We ain't ever gonna give him up, Dross. Tell me we ain't ever gonna give him up! TD: We'll also see Ryan Howard in action. SR: We got ourselves a family, Dross. TD: Good grief. ------------------------------------------------------------ Steve Manning vs. Charles Scheffield "Rocket Man" Timothy N. Turner vs. "The Saviour" Simon Lebec Fabulous Ones vs. American Dragons Richard "Moxy" Blue vs. "To Excess" Rick Williams "The Demon" Damien Lestat vs. Mad Dog Watkins ------------------------------------------------------------ TD: Awfully competitive line-up for the War Room tomorrow night from the land of the rising sun. We will see a dramatic contrast of styles when Steve Manning takes on Charles Scheffield. SR: Scheffield's gotta be the favorite here, Dross -- this guy's a legit "Giant Killer", he knocked Byron out of the company, he beat the Deathbringer and he beat Annis. Who'd this Manning ever beat besides the obvious joke which I could insert but I won't because of the kinder. Carson: Meat! Meat! Meat! Meat! TD: That theme of opposites attract will continue when Simon Lebec returns to the IIWF ring to meet the former Cruiserweight Champion Timothy Turner. SR: Turner's just lost it, Dross. He used to be so cool, the way he embarrassed that World Free guy and then with the jetpack, zipping and zooming everywhere -- now he's concerned about what the morons and his buddy... Carson: Comp-onions. They like to be called comp-onions. SR: Hah! This kid's a riot. Anyway, Dross -- I think it's Turner that I'm gonna start calling cheesecake. From now on Timmy T... or at least the next three weeks... you're cheesecake to me, baby dolls! TD: Two teams with a burgeoning rivalry in the Fabulous Ones and the American Dragons meet... and the American Dragons seem to think they have some sort of issue with you, Steve Roberts. Carson: 'Merican Ragons Suck! TD: Steve Roberts, you are coaching that boy now. SR: Wello, Dross. I didn't see you there -- what are we talking about? Oh, the Dragons -- hell, I got no beef with the Dragons -- so they stole their catchphrase. Who didn't? Oh... wait... wait... I didn't. No one good did. Everyone worth a damn is original. Only a cheap, two-bit Looper would knock off someone's catchphrase and then get his yellow back up when called on it. There I go again, Dross. Soon I'll start making fun of the ML.... TD: Steve Roberts, we have just a few shows until retirement... do you think we can stay out of the line of fire? SR: If you say you're too old for this... stuff... I will bop you, Dross. TD: A very intriguing match-up when Richard "Moxy" Blue takes on Rick Williams. SR: To Excess. There's an original nickname. See Dragons -- it's not so hard -- think for yourselves -- come up with something that's never been used before. Something like: The American Dragons: Will Job To You For A Slogan TD: And finally our main event, the bizarre Damien Lestat takes on none other than Mad Dog Watkins. SR: Old Dog taking it easy in his return to the company, Dross. Sitting on the porch, maybe playing with the grandkids. Hey, Carson -- you ever see a grown man naked? Carson: Meat! Meat! Meat! TD: Big match-up especially considering what is at stake for Mad Dog Watkins on Sunday Night... folks, the IIeW Inter-Federation Pay-Per-View is coming up on March 1, live from Skydome in Toronto. Stars from literally the entire wrestling landscape will dot this extravaganza... IIWF superstars like Joe Petrow and Serge Annis will compete -- a big eight-man tournament is on tap that will be one of the most anticipated competitions in wrestling history -- and then, the IIWF World Championship will be on the line, Mad Dog Watkins will be taking on Steve Kowalski. Folks, this is a match-up that you cannot miss... SR: I'll miss it. TD: No you will not, Steve Roberts -- in fact, you and I will be in Toronto this Sunday Night... SR: Whoa. We're going to be in Japan Saturday... and then in Toronto Sunday... and then next week we're going to Australia? Carson and me gots things to do, Dross -- we're shooting an episode of "Dawson's Creek" next week. I dig those kids. Well written show. What kind of ASSHOLE WOULDN'T LIKE THAT SHOW?! [There is a loud noise from the conference area... and an unsettling crash is heard from the cockpit... and former Senator Bob Dole is now grabbed to his feet by two additional gentlemen... and led into the back.] TD: Well, we will be in Toronto on Sunday when Mad Dog Watkins meets Steve Kowalski in a Progressive Death Match for the Heavyweight Championship of the World... but first we will be in Nagano as the Road to Ring Wars 5 resumes this Saturday Night! ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v v / | __| FIRST LOOK: |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| IIWF Saturday Night: 28 February 1998 ....................................................................... 1. NON-TITLE: Steve "the Fury" Kowalski vs. Shadoe Rage 2. RETIREMENT MATCH: Tony Starks vs. Subway Psycho 3. IIWF WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: Natural Predators vs. Down Boys 4. CHAMPION VS. CHAMPION NON-TITLE MATCH: "Enigma" Takezo Musashi vs. Duncan Macbeth 5. "Rocket Man" Timothy N. Turner vs. "The Intrepid" Ryan Howard 6. Steve Manning vs. Deathbringer 7. American Dragons vs. MYSTERY TEAM 8. "TEAM SYCHOSYS FUNKY LIKE A MONKEY WORLD TOUR '98" MATCH: Team Sychosys vs. Fabulous Ones [Roberts again is poking is head against the window, now leading young Carson to do the same. Each of them laughing and pointing in an increasingly obnoxious manner.] TD: All right. Steve Roberts, what is it that you keep looking at out the window of this airplane? Carson: Funny little man. [Roberts draws his head away... and we see, apparently standing on the wing of the plane, his face pressed against the _outside_ of the window... former IIWF commentator Steve Summer! Summer is screaming, pounding at the glass, we read his lips, "Help Me Mr. Dross!" Leading Roberts and Carson to again giggle -- and shut the windowshade.] TD: Good grief. Folks, big, big card on tap this Saturday Night as the Road to Ring Wars V hits Nagano. We will see what may be a preview of Ring Wars when Steve Kowalski takes on Shadoe Rage. SR: Nope. Nope. Nope. See, I like this Rage, there's no secret about that -- but he's just getting started as a big league player in the singles ranks, he ain't ready for that kind of stage... now, a run at Macbeth maybe makes some sense -- but he's gonna lose this match on Saturday, the kid's just not ready for this, Dross. Just not ready. Carson: Let's see the funny man! [Roberts throws open the window shade... Summer again pounds on the glass... this time even Dross can't suppress a giggle.] TD: We'll also see a retirement match, Tony Starks meeting the Subway Psycho. SR: Any chance we can get a draw, maybe a double count-out so both of them have to go? Maybe a battle royal with a quarter of the roster so we lose thirteen, fourteen guys -- now there's an idea, Dross... how about for our next road trip we have a "Loser Stays Behind" match every week? Loser not only gets his contract terminated, but doesn't get a plane ticket home! Imagine that, we strip the Psycho naked, throw him in the woods and say, "Good luck, Andre!" TD: Tag team gold on the line when the Natural Predators defend against their former friends, the "New Look" Down Boys. SR: You didn't know? You better ca-aaall somebody. TD: We'll see that terrific match between the hometown boy, The Enigma, against the Intercontinental Champion Duncan Macbeth. We'll see Macbeth's friend... Carson: C'onions. They like to be called C'onions! TD: ...Timothy Turner take on his long-time nemesis Ryan Howard. Steve Manning will meet the Deathbringer. SR: Now there's a "Loser Stays Behind" match if I ever heard of one. Imagine the Deathbringer, confused, naked, wandering around the streets of Nagano. Hah! "Dead man-son wear no pants." Didja hear the Deathbringer really loves the Filet-o-fish sandwiches at McDonalds? TD: What in the world are you talking about now? SR: You oughta go to the locker room more often, Drossy. Deathbringer loves to sit in the whirlpool, like all afternoon long before a show, and just eat maybe a dozen or more Filet-o-Fish sandwiches, "Dead man like Tartar Sauce." What the hell's wrong with that guy, Dross? TD: The American Dragons will take on the ubiquitous mystery team. SR: I know who they are. TD: No you do not. SR: I know who might like a shot. A certain one eyed guy with a peculiarly strong knowledge of intellectual property. TD: And, we will kick off with a bang -- Japan's own Joe Petrow returns home when Team Sychosys... Carson: T-Genewation S! [Young Carson begins to chop his crotch, drawing gales of laughter from the Soundbite... and then an emergence of a half-dozen dark suited men from both the cockpit and the conference center... each of them is wearing a parachute... and one of them is holding a gun.] TD: What the hell? ["Clear"! is the order... as the cargo door is blown free, flight attendants begin screaming as each man jumps in a precise movement. In the middle of the pack is former Senate Majority Leader Bob Dole.] BD: Bob Dole likes the Subway Psycho. Bob Dole and the Subway Psycho are friends. Subway Psycho was Bob Dole's hero when Bob Dole was a boy. [Dole then jumps with assistance from another man... then the cockpit bursts open again... the pilot and co-pilot of the airplane being forced out by a second man with a gun... each man wearing parachutes...] TD: What in the blazes is going on around here? Man: National security, Sir. This plane is going down. I advise you to make your final peace. We're taking the boy. [The man makes a move toward young Carson, instantly springing Roberts to action.] SR: Get your hands off my boy, bitch! [Roberts moves to his feet as the pilot, co-pilot and all remaining passengers are forced to abandon the plane. Roberts leaping over Dross, kicking the man with the gun in the midsection, grabbing a front facelock and DDT'ing him right on the beverage cart!] Carson: D-D-T! D-D-T! D-D-T! [Roberts picks up the man, placing his hand on the ripcord and then tosses him out... Carson and Roberts high-fiving as Dross sits silently in his seat... plane furniture shoving itself into the open cargo space... and as a quiet takes over the Boeing Business Jet, the two veteran IIWF commentators and the young boy Carson look around the plane... Which is now completely empty. Dross very quietly continues.] TD: ...take on the Fabulous Ones. It's IIWF Saturday Night. Don't miss a second of the action. Steve Roberts, I don't want to dampen your victorious spirit -- but we are 20,000 feet above ground... And, unless I miss my guess... no one is flying the plane. [All three people look to the open cockpit... then look to the open conference room... then look at each other... then look toward the outside of the plane, where Steve Summer now points and laughs and laughs... until he flies off into the night.] ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v v / | __| COMING FRIDAY: |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| Countdown to Saturday Night ....................................................................... [Dross, Roberts and Carson make their way to the flight deck, all baffled by the high-tech avionics equipment which they encounter; the flat panelled liquid crystal display and global positioning system. Dross grabs young Carson's hand, trying to comfort the young boy... or perhaps himself... while Steve Roberts... inexplicably... hops into the pilot's chair.] TD: Steve Roberts, you do not know how to fly this plane. SR: DAMMIT, TIM! I'M A DOCTOR NOT A PILOT! TD: That doesn't mean anything at all. SR: Listen, Dross -- we are up at 20,000 feet in a hunk of runaway steel that none of us knows how to fly... Carson? Carson: Nevuh chaage the cownuh, speciawy with your neck. SR: Hah! I love this kid, Drossy! I love this kid and hell -- I love you too, you fat bastard, do you know that, Drossy? I love you and I love this kid and I love the IIWF at least until I can get the hell out of this contract so I can go to Hollywood and make movies with Kari Wuhrer so goddammit... GODDAMMIT... I am STEVE "SOUNDBITE" ROBERTS AND I AM GONNA LAND THIS GODDAMN PLANE IF ITS THE LAST THING I EVER DO!! [Roberts grabs the controls... the plane sharply diving down as Dross, professional to the end, finishes the show.] TD: Well, folks, it looks like this little ride is going to have an unscheduled stop. Nonetheless, you should watch Dave, Larry and Becky tomorrow night on the War Room... then Larry and his special surprise guest on "Countdown" to Saturday Night... then tune in... [The plane seems now to be in free fall... Roberts, Dross and young Carson simultaneously yelling out:] "AAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!" TD: Tune into IIWF Saturday Night for all the great action... maybe there will be a nice retrospective of our careers... and you can bet a commentator won't refuse to talk about us out of "respect to our families." SR: SHUT UP DROSS! SHUT THE HELL UP! I'm gonna land this plane! I'm gonna land this plane and me and you and Carson are gonna go to Beverly Hills where there are swimming pools and movie stars. Carson: Bwack gold. Texas T. SR: Everybody grab something! Everybody grab something cause this puppy is coming down! Everybody hold on to something cause this thing is coming down! [The sound and speed increase... the plane dropping like a stone. Dross covering Carson as both hit the ground.] SR: We're going down in 10... 9... 8... Hey, Dross, I went down in eight once... [7....6.....5...] TD: Really, Steeeeeeve? How'd that turrrrnnn, out for youuuuu? [4.....3....2....] SR: Best weekend of my life. [All three men scream as we reach just a split second prior to what even those watching at home feel as an enormous impact... the _sense_ of contact as if we ourselves are about to ram into the earth... And then the shot goes black..... Johnny Mandel's "Suicide is Painless" plays a we cut to the interior of the "Beaver Trap" in the historic Pearl District of Portland, Oregon. Scantily clad women are gyrating in numerous and varied fashions throughout the dark, smoky club... women are on couches... in showers... and on a stage which is placed in front of a stocked bar... Into the haze steps the 500 pound Mexican representative of the Jobber Justice Squad, The Smooth. Smooth seems to be in a fog, as he is wearing nothing but enormous boxer shorts with the words: "Job This" Printed over the fly. Someone from the club yells: "Smooth, put your pants on, you'll contaminate everyone!" But as The Smooth begins to speak in his clipped English... the room grows deadly quiet.] TS: At 2100 hours... Mr. Soundbite's plane was shot down over the Sea of Japan... it spun in... There were no survivors. Smooth listen to "Truly" now. [There is stunned silence. Muffled tears are briefly choked back as the news pounds through the home of the finest full contact friction dance in the Pacific Northwest. The Lionel Richie classic then begins... and once more the women begin to dance... dance for the missing... dance for the dead... dance for the invisible ones... their anguish that's unsaid. But mostly, you know, they dance for the cash, which the men again begin to stuff into their g-strings. The shot fades... replaced by a promotional photograph of Tim Dross under which are the words: Tim Dross 1949-1998 Rest In Peace And then an action picture of Steve Roberts, deftly executing the "Soundbite Stall" against one of the Samoans, the words reading: Steve "Soundbite" Roberts 1960-1998 Shoot, Soundbite! Shoot! With the words of Lionel Richie.... # And with your love, I'm free # ...lingering in the air, the shot fades to black. And then a sound is heard:] SR: Jesus Dross, can't you paddle a little faster? Put your ass into it! [Fade up a shot of a body of water, Dross, Roberts and young Carson are sitting on the wing of the Boeing Business jet, which is floating peacefully out in the middle of nowhere. Dross and young Carson are each attempting to "row" themselves forward... while Roberts has an enormous smile on his face.] SR: This is gonna make a great chapter for my book. [Paul Simon's "Slip Slidin' Away" plays as the makeshift boat continues its way downstream, Roberts tousling young Carson's blond hair as the shot fades.] +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= I * I * W * F =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-+ | President: Daniel Spreadbury | Vice-President: Gregg Osterhout | | univ0322@sable.ox.ac.uk | ghost@frii.com | | iiwf@sisko.demon.co.uk | | +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- http://www.sisko.demon.co.uk -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=+