________      __ ___                           | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|                           | || | \ v  v / | __|                           |_||_|  \_/\_/  |_|                         __ __       __ _______   __                  |    //_  / | /| //_ /__   / | /__|\__/                  | / //   /  // |//      \ /  //   /  /                  |/|//__ /__//  //_______//__//   /__/                        ___  ___      ___   ________                  |    //__| /__\     /__\  /  //  //|/|                  | / //   //   \    /   \ /  //  // / |                  |/|//   //    /   /    //__//__//    |                  -------------------------------------- Kazakoshi Park, Karuizawa, Japan Wednesday 25 February [Liz Phair's rendition of "Turning Japanese" blares as scenes of Japanese life are shown though a collage. A spray painted image of the IIWF symbol appears on the side of a wall, with the phrase "Becky LaRue does..." Almost sufficiently blotted out by the censors to keep from offending the animal rights groups. Camera focuses on our intrepid broadcast team, the three amigos of the Double Eye... The white linen suit adorning Larry Morton a gift from Cuba, and Dave Bacon, dressed in a fine looking red suit with a black leather hat adorned by a single peacock feather. Becky LaRue is wearing a small cream colored sun dress, about two sizes too small, accentuating almost EVERY feature of her... and the underwear she isn't wearing. A clear, warmish day on the streets of Karuizawa.] LM: Welcome once more to the Wednesday War Room. I'm your host.... DB & BL: For now... LM: ...Larry Morton, and with me as always, the Not ready for host duty players! Ow! [Dave Bacon slaps Morton across the back of the head] What was that for? DB: Fly. Hi, I'm Dave Bacon. BL: And I am the object of every male's desire, Rebecca Lynn LaRue. DB: Also called Bare Bottom Becky by....well...everyone she's ever known since third grade. BL: I am not! DB: Really? Well now, since we're finding out all these little FASCINATING tidbits about the Soundbite... [a chorus of intoxicated Japanese businessmen chant out in Japanese] BUSINESSMEN: [subtitled] Shoot, Soundbite, shoot! [before breaking into a karaoke style of his heart rending cover of the classic Air Supply song "Here I Am"] DB: ...I managed to dig something up on ol' Becks here...not the same as digging something out of her... I ain't no archaeologist. BL: Keep it up and you'll be ancient history. LM: While the fight rages on for week three, we had a packed card at the Kazakoshi Park, here in Karuizawa, Japan... BL: ...and that Oates and Barley woman is going to pay, big time... LM: So let's take a look at what happened in the first match....the debut of long-time vet and well-respected grappler, Eddy "Flap"... DB: Wilson! LM: ...Jacks. DB: I prefer Flap Wilson. "Here come de judge, here come de judge..." BL: Why I don't seduce magistrates anymore...all of them say that as if it were original... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Eddy "Flap" Jacks vs. The Masked Terror [J] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The japanese fans erupted when Liana Oates, the IIWF's lovely ring girl, walked down the aisle wearing a Hooters style t-shirt from the Bcky LaRue fan club, with Becky's name crossed out and "Next Generation" written across the back, wearing a tiny pair of Daisy Duke shorts. The riots in Puerto Rico, doubtless, were comparable to the men scrambling to get a better look at her on her way to ringside. Eddy Jacks arrived to a rousing round of applause from the crowd, who respect the tenacity and intestinal fortitude upon which he based his lengthy career. At the same time, in the ring, the Masked Terror took no time at all before attacking the superstar, laying him out with a bevy of vicious knife edges and lariats, before a dropkick he hoped would carry the behemoth over, didn't. Pausing to pose for the crowd gave Eddy the chance to regain some sense of balance, and he never lost it from there. Jacks used his brawling skills and tremendous size to wear down the smaller Terror, abusing him to turn the cheers quite rapidly into boos. Finally, Jacks nailed the Pancake Poison for an easy win. WINNER: Eddy Jacks by pinfall, 2:58 DB: This man is someone I have a great deal of respect for. BL: Why? He's fat and talentless like you? DB: Eheh-heh. No, his chest sags like yours. I like Eddy Jacks because he's all about the old style of wrestling...big guys who have the power to keep a steady record. He's strong, he's talented....face it, he could just as easily be called the Wrecking Ball... and I think this guy could be headed to the top of the Double I if he has the right manager, or the right breaks. Like a smaller Verhoeven. BL: With less talent. Come on, he's an old fat slob...I'd never let him anywhere near me... DB: Leave it to Moron. Hey, Moron, what do you think? LM: He's big...and that could carry him a long way. DB: Ha. LM: ...but look at Mark Destructo. BL: Ha. LM: It's too early to say. However, had a fine example of someone making good here in the Double Eye... Intrepid Ryan Howard. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Intrepid" Ryan Howard vs. El Super Gecko [J] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Ryan Howard left the fans in awe as he walked to the ring, but his image was slightly diffused by the crack of a smile when Liana winked at him. El Super Gecko, sporting the symbol of the Komodo Dragon on his robes, came to the ring doing backflips, still obviously high from last week's victory. This may have proved rather, well... STUPID on his part because when he got in the ring, he was too tired to put up much of an offense as Ryan Howard hit his patented Twelve Gauge to leave the Gecko dead to rights. The Ragnarok pin was merely a formality. WINNER: "Interpid" Ryan Howard by pinfall, 0:56 DB: Ryan Howard with a big victory over the surging Gecko....one has to wonder how he would fare against Gunnar Gaines or Otto Verhoeven. He will no doubt be one of the IIWF's greatest up and comers, but my Bacon Bit today... BL: Is a little high in cholesterol. Howard, you had a big win over a no one...just remember that Derek Mota didn't want or need you. Look me up when you're established, though.... LM: One cannot deny that both men we've seen thus far have a good future ahead in the IIWF....coming up next, however is a quiet young man making his debut. Nick "Schooner" McGill...someone I feel good about for the up and coming cruiserweight division. BL: Cruiserweights are like Chinese food...have one and you need more within an hour. LM: They ever find the remains of any of them? DB: [laughing] Damn, Morton! That was funny! You got balls! BL: _Had_ balls... [Cut to clips as LaRue chases Morton down the streets of Kazaikoshi.] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Nick "Schooner" McGill vs. "Nifty" Ned Norton [J] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Nick seemed in full awe of what he was entering as the Double Eye fans from the land of the rising sun welcomed him with open arms...nearly tripping over the top rope as he jumped over, stumbled towards Liana, who smiled and caught him. The crowd cheered as well as hooted and laughed, when she, in an effort to calm him, kissed him gently on the cheek...then grabbed him by the ears and planted a liplock on him. The Schooner seemed much calmer after this, and was ready to face our niftiest jobber. Schooner moved at breakneck speed through the entire match, leaving Norton no time to think, let alone act, through a series of huracanranas, enzuiguris, and spinwheel kicks that left Norton totally flustered when he was conscious. Norton's only bit of offence came from a stumble from an Asai Moonsault from the ropes that Norton met with a double boot to McGill's gut. In the end, though, Norton trying to set up a top-rope spinning gourdbuster, a finishing move he later called the "Spiffy-plex", McGill countered with the Lobster Trap DDT for the pin. After the math, he helped Norton up and shook his hand, a shock to Norton, who is usually only helped up to be floored again. Winner: Nick "Schooner" McGill, by pinfall, 6:13 LM: Now that was an impressive youngster. BL: I gotta admit, Morton, I was impressed by what I saw....McGill, come on over to Mama LaRue and she'll make you forget all about that nasty skag, Liana....may even teach you a few wrestling holds... DB: More fuel for Robert's fire....teach him how to be a gay guy by making him hate women. He's god, but what kind of a wrestler bounces around like that? One of those bizarre masked people from deep in the heart of Texas. Sorry, he's just not what _I_ think of when I think of wrestling tradition. BL: You don't play tennis, perchance, do you? DB: Nah. Hate the game. Why? BL: You just reminded me of someone... LM: This rounds out the newcomers from the card...all the other matches are jam packed with excitement! DB: And you're saying the newcomers aren't? LM: Well no, I mean...these superstars are established.. BL: Like Slap Jacks. DB: Apple Jacks. BL: Or Insipid Ryan Howard. DB: Intrepid. LM: You know what I mean. DB: Yeah. You're anti-JJS. BL: Send in the clown! [Jumpin' Jack appears and Morton yells in terror, dashing off screen, pursued by Jumping Jack.] DB: Truce? BL: Yeah. You're at least sorta witty. DB: Next up features the madcap of the mat, Sanguinary... BL: That means bloody, kids... DB: ...Steve Manning, and a young talent here in the Double Eye, Charles Scheffield. BL: Whose win over the living scar, Serge Anal, propelled him to the top of the IIWF's ratings. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Steve Manning vs. Charles Scheffield ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Charles Scheffield and Steve Manning both received strong reactions from the crowd, and Scheffield's genteel nature acted as counterpoint to the somewhat wild Manning. The match was traded offense, back and forth, with Manning always squirming just enough to get away from Sheffield's submission skills. This match was high paced and dangerous, but ended when Charles Scheffield yanked away a cattle prod from Steve Manning, which had been hidden in his robes...and was caught by the guest referee, former Japanese pro superstar Toji Tegara, and DQ'ed for use of a foreign object. A bewildered Sheffield left the ring, to the boos of the by the book Japanese crowd. WINNER: Steve Manning, by DQ, 8:45 DB: Screw job. BL: Clever move. DB: Scheffield... someone the Double Eye needs desperately as a wrestler, not just a "wrestle clean" gets the bum rap. BL: While Steve Manning takes on life on his own without Quigley and actually makes a decent show of it. DB: I can't believe you encourage that. BL: Win if you can, lose if you must, but always cheat. DB: And with your feather boas and funky sunglasses in the shop, you go from the body into... BL: Don't insult me....your life may depend on it. DB: Funny...Ladson, SC ring any bells? [Becky's eyes go wide] BL: You wouldn't dare. DB: Don't test me, Testeverde. This next match features two young teams on their way up in the IIWF's tag team division...the American Dragons vs. The Fabulous Ones. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ American Dragons vs. Fabulous Ones ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The camera opens on the generic backstage interview area, complete with IIWF banner backdrop. Joe Scalercio and Bob Ivey, aka the American Dragons, are shown, arms crossed, Joe in his black wire-rimmed sunglasses, Bob in his cowboy hat, and both men in their 'rapidly-becoming-trademarks leather jackets, Joe's black, Bob's white...and of course, the WRESTLE CLEAN! buttons on their lapels] JS: We come to you inside the arena today...let's just say the natives outside are awfully restless... BI: Well, considering we're two minutes away from whipping up on their hometown boys, I'd be restless too! You realize what this is, right? A match on War Room against two guys who we hate and who themselves would love to kill us...during the same week when we've got this big match against the BIG BAD SCARY MYSTERY TEAM!!!!! JS: Sir...don't do this... BI: No! I think it's a conspiracy! You all see our WRESTLE CLEAN! buttons...in a fed in love with hardcore, and in a division where only us and the Natural Predators are the last good guys left... people in the front office are trying to shut us up! [Joe shakes his head as Bob rants] BI: It's a conspiracy, I tell you! Only the VP wants to see actual wrestling! I'm sure the IIWF Towers drooled all over itself when those morons the Down Boys attacked Greyson...and I'm willing to bet they all splooged themselves over the riot at the end of the show! [Joe silently mouths 'Splooge?'] BI: Well, it doesn't matter. Y'all gave us the chance...and we appreciate being here. But the American Dragons don't go hardcore for no one. We win fair and square. So, Ones, get ready to be beaten 1-2-3, without the use of chairs, fire extinguishers, shivs, or tricycles! JS: While I think my partner has spent way too much time in the sun playing in the sandbox...I have to echo his last words. AbFabs, you can't hang with the Dragons. And mystery team? You might as well stay in the shadows, because you have no chance of beating us. [Joe and Bob turn around, showing the Dragon logos on the back of their jackets to the camera] Both men: Any team, any time... [Cut to the highlights] It was the standard entrance by Ms. Miki who introduced her duo as "Everything a man wants to be, and everything a woman wants to be with." However, the Fabs entrance was slightly different, they came out surrounded by twelve beautiful women. They entered the ring, did their posing and waited for the American Dragons. The Dragons, however, entered the ring late, after a pearl harbor attack by a masked team backstage. Once they recovered to standing, then walking, they were focused on the Fabs. While the fans cheered the Fabs on, the Fabs held no clear advantage. The match was a little lacksadaisical, as the Dragons were hurt and the Fabs seemed more interested in showboating than winning. In the end, after a strong comeback of adrenaline from Bob Ivey, the Fabulous Ones were able to regain control and flattened him with the Mojo and Panku in quick order for the pin. At the conclusion of the match, Team Sychosys came out of the crowd, dressed all in white and red, with big yellow bandanas covering their head, reading "Musashimania" They emerge with curling rocks, and used them to beat down the American Dragons and eliminate them from the ring. Then, Petrow asked for the mic: [Cut to footage captioned, "Earlier Tonight":] JP: Oi! Yoku mitan darou na? Oretachi ha sekaijuu de ichiban tag team dazo! Moshi giri wo motteiru nara, doubou ni haji kaketakunai nara, douyoubi pachinko to ka yatte, tonikaku shoubu he konai hou ga iizo! Ja na kereba, omoitachi to [Petrow points towards Miki] anna busu na Shibuya kogal ha kanarazu mou ni-do to Nihon he kaerarenaizo! [Ms. Miki standing behind Agito, looks very upset from the comments made by Petrow and yells something.] MM: [Yelling at the top of her lungs.] B-A-K-A-Y-A-R-O!!! [As Petrow stands there smirking, Ms. Miki, then steps around, Agito, moves towards Petrow, bringing her hand back as if to strike him, only to have Sho grab her and carry her to one of the corners. Joe stands in the ring with a huge smirk. Agito steps up into Petrow's face and starts saying something.] AN: Giri? Giri nanka wakattenai na! Eraisou ni giri no tame ni akirameta hou ga ii to itteiru nante...giri no imi wakatteiru nara sono shitsumon wo kikuna! [Agito looks over his shoulder at Ms. Miki, then back at Petrow.] AN: Oretachi kuruzo! Sore de, omoitachi ga shikkari shiteru nara, ore to Sho-kun ga anmari baka ni shinai ka na. [Petrow frowns at the arrogant Agito, as the big Japanese man points a finger in Petrow's chest.] AN: IIWF...ja nakute, seikaijuu no yuumeijin ja nai, omai. Da ga, mada oretachi to shoubu shita koto naizo! Da kara, omai to ano kawaii tomodachi to [Maurice looks offended, but doesn't know why he should be] tatakattara, kanarazu giri no hontou no imi wo oshiesaseruzo! [Agito throws down the mic, and stalks away with his teammates. Petrow picks up the mic to deliver a parting shot:] JP: Douyoubi wo matteiruzo! [Petrow slams down the mic himself, and Team Sychosys makes their exit through the crowd.] WINNERS: Fabulous Ones, by pinfall, 13:12 DB: So, after a gruelling match, Petrow, who has all the natural born ability of a snow crab, a man who has mad a career out of being annoying, shames the Dragons by attacking them in the ring and gibbering Japanese. BL: I hear, if you play it all backwards, you hear "Paul Wong is Dead". Big win for the pretty boys, who actually polished off an opponent this week...but a strong showing from the new kids. DB: Let's see what we have coming up in our pen-penultimo-dragon match...a real battle between Tim Turner and Simon Lebec. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Rocketman" Timothy N. Turner vs. "Savior" Simon Lebec ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A short match, almost as short as a Smooth match. Tim Turner came to the ring without fanfare, and when the holy roller of the Double I stepped out, Turner was quick to run back up the aisle and attack him, dragging his forehead from the back of the railing all the way to the front, spilling his blood before the bell ever rang. The fans loved the intensity of Turner as he flounted every rule, with multiple low blows, choke holds, and garrotes with his wrist tape. In the end, his own fury overwhelmed him as he struck referee Chuck Anderson with a fire extinguisher before spraying Lebec not only in the face, but also lifting the waistband and firing the cold CO2 blast down across his genitalia, much to the delight of an altogether too weird Japanese crowd. Turner left the ring to loud cheers while an emergency crew came to deal with Lebec. Of note: the gospel chorus of 12 beautiful women were all doused as well, and Turner managed to rip the dress off one, looking her up and down and crying aloud "Don't look like no saint to me!" WINNER: Simon Lebec, by DQ 0:41 DB: Simon Lebec taught that you don't cross the old style superstars. BL: All this furore over Duncan McDonut... I don't get it. DB: When you have a true ally and a true friend, sometimes nothing seems to make sense. You fight over honor. One of the reasons I support Tim Turner as one of the true wrestling talents of the IIWF. BL: Do you support either of these next two? DB: No. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Richard "Moxy" Blue vs. "To Excess" Rick Williams ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Wild match which brought two personalities in direct conflict. Williams was brutal in the early going, as Moxy's showboating made him an easy target. However, Blue mounted a fair comeback, but all of a sudden, the ring began to slowly be surrounded by men in the Blacklight costume. Williams went ballistic, and got sloppy, almost rolled up for the three count by Blue, who capitalized. They removed their masks, revealing themselves to be various members of the JJS save one who had crept into the ring. As Williams faced him, he unmasked, revealing himself as Marty Warnett, and promptly attacked, leading to a DQ win....and a few more bruises...for the man who knows no limits. WINNER: Rick Williams by DQ, 6:32 BL: Party Animal vs. To Excess... think we can get Marilyn Manson to drop the rigging on them? DB: I dunno. Your costume out of the wash? BL: Eh-heh. Warnett struggling to avenge Billy Shakey.... DB: Both men superior wrestlers...now, you deride them because they're fan faves...and that they won't touch your skaggy butt if you paid them... BL: Wanna bet? DB: ...but I would say that they are the cornerstones of the IIWF...and we need a few MORE people like them. BL: Mook. DB: Our main event was a hardcore fan's dream come true. Old vs. New. Like you and Liana. BL: Shut up, Pork Butt. DB: Nuh-uh... I'm Back Bacon. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Mad Dog Watkins vs. Damien "the Demon" Lestat ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [Above, on interstate 35, the vehicles whirl by... Below, it's a different different world. You see, the underbelly of this bridge houses "The Demon" Damien Lestat. Lestat sits lotus-position with his friend, Mr. Coolie by his side. Lestat drinks a dark liquid from a narrow bottle as the he addresses the camera:] DL: [Smiling a Lestat-smile] Welcome to my humble abode...ain't it great!? [Lestat stretches his arms out in a "welcoming" manner as the camera pans his muddy "home"] DL: And Mad Dog...I'm drinking to you! [Lestat presents the bottle of "Mad Dog 20/20" to the camera while coughing and then gagging up a stringy mucussy wad. With his free hand, he removes his innards from his mouth while most remains on his beard] DL: [Smiling his cavity-filled smile, his drunken eyes meet the camera again] Mad Dog for the Mad Dog! [This is funny to Lestat who suddenly cackles a wasted cackle. He picks Mr. Coolie up and sets him on his dirty lap:] DL: Want some Mad Dog, Mr. Coolie? [Lestat makes Mr. Coolie "nod".] DL: I knew you would, you f lush... [Lestat opens Mr. Coolie and "feeds" some of the cheap wine to his red-and-white cooler-of-a-friend] DL: [Nodding happily towards Mr. Coolie] MMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmm.... gooooooooooooodd, isn't it, Mr. Coolie?...... "BBBUUURRRPPP"!!! [Lestat giggles at the sound. He scratches his crotch and spits onto the ground] DL: Mad Dog my f up friend, ya' kinda remind me of this s... [Lestat gestures towards the bottle of "MD 20/20" and starts to cackle...] DL: You're both cheap bastards! [For some odd reason, this strikes Lestat as being too funny. He topples over in a drunken heap and cackles even louder...] DL: Mad Dog... HHHOOOOOOOWWWWLLLLL LIKE A DOG!!! [From a lying position, he continues...cackling all the while...] DL: That's what I'm gonna make you do, Mad Dog....HOOOWWWWWWWLLLLLLL LIKE A DOG!!! [More odd laughing and gagging...] DL: HOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWLLL!!! [Cut to the highlights.] Well, things were a little different. Both men became well acquainted with Mr. Coolie during the night, as this battle raged on close to it's half hour time limit. Lestat went all out early, which allowed the vet to gain a few big advantages early on. Lestat hit a surprise Enzuilariato, however, which set up a period of his extreme style of violence, culminating first in a press slam over the top rope onto Mr. Coolie, followed by a senton, driving Watkins into the famous Chest, and finally producing a bottle of 20/120 and smashing it over Watkins' head. Unfortunately, as the blood and whiskey flowed down his face, it seemed to invigorate Watkins as opposed to degrade him. Watkins allowed no return offence, finally pinning Lestat after the "Every Dog Has his Day". After the match, Watkins took Mr. Coolie and deposited him in the nearest trash can, prompting Lestat to fly into a rage and rescue his only friend immediately, before attempting to attack Watkins, who smirked as he departed behind a crowd of security. WINNER: Mad Dog Watkins, by pinfall, 25:40 [Dave and Becky stand in shot, Dave smoking his stogie while Becky flirts with a couple of young Japanese men] DB: That concludes today's instalment of the War Room. On behalf of the terrified Larry Morton and the amplified Becky LaRue, I'm the Dignified Dave Bacon saying good night. Good Night. ["Fly" by Sugar Ray with Super Cat plays as clips of Larry Morton running in terror from Jumpin' Jack show his movement across japan as the credits run.] +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= I * I * W * F =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-+ | President: Daniel Spreadbury | Vice-President: Gregg Osterhout | | univ0322@sable.ox.ac.uk | ghost@frii.com | | iiwf@sisko.demon.co.uk | | +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- http://www.sisko.demon.co.uk -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=+