. ___. __ ____ __ ________ ______ ||\ |/ | || | | || | || |\ \ /\ / /| __| || \|\__ | __||__ | |_||__ | || | \ v v / | __| || | \|/ || | | || |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| ||______/|\__||__ | | ||_________________________ with Tim Dross and "Soundbite" Steve Roberts Tuesday 3 March 1998 ................................................... [America's "Sister Goldenhair Surprise" plays as the shot opens on Steve Roberts and Tim Dross exchanging their customary post-card handshake on IIWF Saturday Night from Nagano, Japan. Cut to a shot of a 1940's style map of the world, with a representation of an airplane seen, the red dashes leading us from Japan all the way to Toronto, Ontario, Canada... ...where we again see Roberts and Dross, this time on the subsequent day, Sunday, where they again shake hands after completing the IIWF portion of the big, Inter-Federational IIeW Pay-Per-View... ...again to the map, where the red dashes lead the animated airplane from Toronto to Sydney, Australia...and then the animated plane, without any prodding...deviates from the flightplan seemingly proscribed by the dashes and lands instead... In Istanbul, Turkey. Stumbling from the airplane and into a terminal at the Istanbul International Airport are our intrepid heroes. Veteran IIWF commentator Tim Dross is unusually spiffy given the conditions, wheeling a suitcase and wearing a freshly pressed blue IIWF blazer along with a bright lapel pin which reads: "The IIWF: Bring All The Courage You Can" Following along is the young six year old boy whom we met last week on the Boeing Business Jet, young Carson is wearing a brown leather jacket over top a black t-shirt that displays the Shroud of Tourin and the accompanying slogan: "Go With God." And, of course, bringing up the rear is none other that the "Soundbite" himself, Steve Roberts exhaustedly with a carry on bag slung over his shoulder is also wearing his customary leather jacket and his black t-shirt contains only two words written in red: "I'm God." The three men stumble their way toward what they hope will be a ticket counter, the crimson flags of Turkey evident, Middle-Easterners in their drab garb eye them suspiciously, chattering names like Caferi, Raza, Orhan and Cenyiz to each other they give the men a wide berth as our guys finally stop in front of an enormous statue, the music fades and Dross begins.] TD: Wello, everybody, you are _Tuned_In_ to "Inside the IIWF"! Live from the Istanbul International Airport! SR: Towel heads. TD: You are _Tuned_In_ to your weekly look at all the news, views, reviews and previews -- highlights and sidelights -- cheers and jeers. A look behind at the week that was and then up ahead at what will be here in the undisputed Number One professional wrestling organisation in the world today... [The airport full of Turks stops its business cold, every eye in the room now looking at Dross and saying...what we hope is the Turkish...or perhaps the Kurdish...or something...translation of...] "The_Mighty_IIWF!" TD: I am your host, Tim Dross, this is "Inside The IIWF" and alongside me as always is -- Carson: The Bwack Jesus! TD: ...my tag team colleague, the Hardest Working Man in the Rasslin' Business, the two-and-a-half Grapple Award Winning... Carson. Carson, now it's your turn. Carson: The Bwack Jesus! TD: Steve "Soundbite" Roberts! [Carson then begins to wildly clap, singing out, "Wunning With Bwack Jesus" which brings a laugh from the two veteran commentators.] TD: Steve Roberts. Welcome. SR: Well the [BLEEP] are we? TD: Well, first of all, we are in Turkey. Granted, that is nowhere near where our destination is supposed to have been, Sydney, Australia for IIWF Saturday Night... but the Road to Ring Wars V has made yet another peculiar sidetrip -- and I think we need to make the best of it. SR: Well, aren't you chipper today, Drossy. TD: Surviving a plane crash will have that effect on a man, Steve Roberts. The second thing is that you really have to watch your language, we are in a Moslem country and the sorts of obscenity which normally might pepper your commentary on this program will have serious legal ramifications. [Two blond men in their early forties who look peculiarly like Stan Lane and Bobby Eaton make their way through the shot, the words "Sparkplug Holly, my ass" are heard as they laughingly disappear.] SR: Did I ever tell you I was one-third of the Inter-gender Texas Six ManWoman Champions, Dross? TD: And, finally, we are standing in front of a very ornate sculpture of the man who formed Turkey, Mustafa Kemal Ataruk. SR: Yeah, tough to imagine why you'd know so much about the country named after food, Dross. TD: I don't know about that, but I do know that we have had quite a week here in the IIWF as we grow ever closer to March 22 and that big, big Pay-Per-View known as Ring Wars V -- lets take one last look at all that went down on Saturday Night! ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v v / | __| REWIND: |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| IIWF Saturday Night: 28 February 1998 ....................................................................... - Shadoe Rage d. Steve Kowalski (DQ) - Tony Starks draw Subway Psycho - Mad Dog Watkins d. Serge Annis - Duncan Macbeth draw "Enigma" Takezo Musashi - IIWF Tag Team Championship: Down Boys d. Natural Predators - Ryan Howard d. Timothy Turner - Deathbringer d. Steve Manning (DQ) - Night Patrol d. American Dragons - Team Sychosys d. Fabulous Ones [Cut to the a shot of a shaggy-haired Turkish folk singer standing in the middle of the terminal, plucking a sitar and singing what appears to be a Turkish version of "Blowin' In the Wind" while a shirtless man with the words "Soy Bomb" printed in English on his chest does a dance that...well, what could charitably be called a mixture of the jerk, the fruge and the cabbage patch.] SR: Now...that's just sad. TD: No one who was fortunate enough to watch that great card from Nagano on Saturday Night could be sad...and as we draw more closely to Ring Wars V, that night is shaping up as one of the most exciting in IIWF history! SR: Do you kiss your mother with that mouth? TD: The IIWF Heavyweight Champion, Steve Kowalski, surmounted what was one of the most gruelling weekends in IIWF history, first, losing by disqualification to Shadoe Rage on Saturday Night -- in the process surviving attacks by Takezo Musashi and Team Sychosys -- and then went on to Skydome and defended the IIWF Title in a truly remarkable contest against Mad Dog Watkins, a match-up that was_not_seen on IIWF television. SR: Nothin' like the suits selling the fans right down the river on that one. Hey, fans -- if you sit through 14 hours of crap and pay 60 bucks -- we'll let you watch actual menfolk wrestle. TD: ...However, folks, listen up, this Thursday Night, you will have the opportunity to witness this tremendous match-up, Steve Kowalski vs. Mad Dog Watkins from the Skydome in Toronto, Canada! Myself and Steve Roberts bring you all the action! SR: Speaking of action -- how many guys beat the crap out of the little Greenlander on Saturday Night? TD: Takezo Musashi is Japanese -- and his presence as the dominant figure in all the IIWF continued on Saturday, The Enigma helped cost Steve Kowalski his match, he also choked out one Ike Sampson... SR: Who now needs bail money. You people didn't listen, he killed that woman in Tokyo -- then he ate a hot dog -- and now he's languishing away in a Japanese prison never to return to the IIWF. We'll miss you Ike! Good luck with the Yakuza! TD: Ike Sampson is not in prison. Neither is Takezo Musashi -- although he may have wished he were at some point on Saturday Night, after being attacked by Christopher Stonebreaker.... SR: Watch out for that slop bucket! You never know when old Phinneas is gonna have him one of them "spells"! TD: ...and the Grey Phoenix of the Natural Predators, about whom we'll speak more in a second, but his attack of Musashi was apparently motivated from a desire to avenge the beatings The Enigma has dished upon former Cold Spell partners Edmund Fitzgerald and Icehawk. There have been rumblings, Steve Roberts, that we have chosen not to address on this show.... SR: What? You mean there are things we don't talk about on this show? I am shocked! I am shocked, I am stunned and I am betrayed! Cancel my subscription! Come on Carson, let us depart! [Roberts and Carson turn on their heels and begin to leave, Dross is completely nonplussed.] TD: Those rumblings being that the Natural Predators have been looking to reform what was a stable from IIWF past, the Horsemen. [Roberts stops dead, grabbing Carson by the hand and slowly walking back to Dross, the Soundbite shaking his head and sighing in an exaggerated fashion.] TD: You have a thought here, Steve Roberts? SR: Okay, first we're gonna see if I can do this within the rules...and if that doesn't work, I didn't earn my little catchphrase for nothin'. Carson: Thoot, Thoundbite! Thoot! SR: Thanks, little buddy. See, there are some portions of everyone's history that they don't like to admit to. Dross, for example, was once a prostitute. TD: No I was not. SR: A cheap, fifty dollar whore selling his ample cakes on Sunset Boulevard for any freak who wanted a little nasty backdoor action. When I found this man, accidentally one night I was just giving him a lift home I hope everyone understands that -- he was dressed like Pocahontas and asking every man on the street if he wanted to "explore foreign lands". TD: No I did not. SR: But, look at him now! This beautiful, glorious man -- respected, competent, rescued from the dustbin of mediocrity by myself, but does he ever thank me...that's not the point right now...the point is that he doesn't like to talk bout this little embarrassing feature of his life, Dross just glosses over it...pretends it didn't happen...and certainly...under _no_ circumstances would he ever go back to those days of man/boy love, triple inputs and golden showers again. Isn't that right, Dross? TD: None of this ever happened. SR: So, now we come to the Natural Predators -- boys, I ain't got nothing against you -- sure, you're boring as hell and named after animals and I defy anyone to pick out which one of you is the tough guy and which one is the gay guy -- but you work hard and don't use tasers or clowns or midgets or cartoon monkey boys...so I'm gonna give you a little advice from your Poppa Soundbite... Don't rip off somebody else's act. And I ain't talking about ripping off the IIWF stable led by a guy who used to call himself "Flare". You wanna rip off an old IIWF act, no skin off my ass. You wanna call yourselves Domination and have the big guy yell "Rooooooaaarrrrr!!!!" all day long -- that's cool with me. You wanna put on cowboy hats and drink whiskey or play army man or wear head-dresses or whatever Village People gimmick we've had around here...that's up to you. But man...if you want to call yourself "Horsemen", to me you might as well name one of you the "Nature Bear" and one of you the "Grey Enforcer". It's flat a rip-off, boys. I don't know about any of you, but occasionally I'll turn my dial to channel 387 and check out some of those minor league Feds...and, by the way, Dross...do you have any idea how many folks are ripping off this show? TD: I prefer to consider it a homage. SR: Well, I prefer to consider my right hand to be Stephanie Seymour's mouth but it don't make it so. TD: Good grief. There's a boy here. SR: Sorry, little guy. Carson: Thtephanie Theymour is Hot! SR: Anyway, whenever I'm watchin' some little organisation in the sticks, the first time I see some guy calling himself "Stone Cold" or saying he is "Toooo Sweeeeeeeettt" I turn the channel faster than when I accidentally watched "Kathie Lee's Dysfunctional Family Christmas". Because it doesn't matter what else is going on... That's bush league all the way. There's a line, boys, a line between telling a little joke, having a little fun, winking at the camera a little bit and turning the IIWF into a two bit knock-off of some Georgia gimmick that should have been buried a decade ago. Form your stable. But don't steal the "horses". TD: ...And the Natural Predators difficulties did not begin with that little tirade, they lost the IIWF tag belts this past Saturday, defeated by the Down Boys who now become the _New_ IIWF tag team champions! SR: Not for long. TD: I don't know about that, Steve Roberts, I would say that the Down Boys are well worthy of being tag team champions, despite their perhaps unfortunate recent change of attitude. SR: Nope. It's time for Team Sychosys to take some gold. They took the Fabs apart on Saturday, they wiped Macbeth and Cheesecake out and now that the suits aren't keeping him down anymore, all the time frustrating him, putting words in his mouth -- you gotta know that Joe Petrow is finally gonna be able to step out of the complete anonymity he's been in for the past year and become a true superstar! TD: Tim Turner and Duncan Macbeth did have an unexpected surprise this past Saturday Night...the man whom we have known as the "Masked Terror" has apparently been none other than Andrew Macbeth, cousin of the Intercontinental Champion! And the former "Rocketman" was none too pleased to see him, as the elder Macbeth cost him his match with Ryan Howard. SR: Howard finally gets a slice of the cheesecake, Dross. Good for him. You know, I don't know anything about this new Macbeth, but if he's got that same god-awful accent as the other one I'm gonna start watching some of these shows with the sound off. TD: You've never seen any of the other IIWF programming. SR: I'm a busy man, Dross. I'm doing Stern this week. We've been practising. Carson -- quiz me! Carson: Thoundbite, you look like a C-cup. Show me your toes! Heaw that Wobin? I said show me your toes. Bwing out the lethbians! I need lethbians! The King of All Media and the Bwack Jesus demand lethbians. Bababooey. TD: That's a little crass, Steve Roberts. SR: Don't be using those big Australian words with me, Dross. TD: Andrew Macbeth was not the only surprise, the American Dragons... SR: Anyteam, Anywhere, Anytime. TD: ...were defeated by the Night Patrol, who made their surprise return to the IIWF. SR: See, the policemen too. Now we're all ready for a chorus of "In the Navy." TD: Night Patrol had a distinguished, if abbreviated, first run in the IIWF -- and we'll be interested to see if they can pick up where they left off. SR: That's the tags, right? TD: Yes. SR: I'm not interested. TD: Two singles matches, the Deathbringer defeated Steve Manning by disqualification, in a match that saw both an evil clown and the use of a taser...or...uh...shockstick. SR: Poor Jacques, losing again. Manning does always "get his man" though, I have it on good authority. TD: We had an unscheduled match between Serge Annis and Mad Dog Watkins, a brutal battle that ended with the Dog earning a measure of revenge against the "Epitome of Evil"...with a little help from Charles Scheffield...but Annis then earned more than a measure with a brutal attack on newcomer Nick McGill. SR: Let's just say this Schooner ain't exactly the rebirth of the Monitor and the Merrimac. TD: Finally, the careers of two long-time IIWF superstars came to a close when Tony Starks and the Subway Psycho battled to a double countout in that retirement match. The Subway Psycho was a former IIWF Champion and Tony Starks was a very solid, always consistent performer during his two stints here in the IIWF, we wish them well. [Roberts appears to be choked up, suppressing a sniffle...] TD: And clearly, even Steve Roberts is moved. [Roberts hocks an enormous wad of phlegm on the airport floor, drawing the attention of more than a few passers-by...unfortunately, some of them in uniform and carrying weapons. But as they are not yet in Roberts' line of sight...he breaks into a wolfish grin.] SR: Yeah, right. Subway Psycho's gone. That's really gonna break Steve Roberts up. Not for another two and a half shows, Paco. Carson: Thoot, Thoundbite! Thoot! [Hearing the word shoot causes the drawing of guns into the air, passengers from other flights hit the ground as a group of oily, sweaty men in drab khaki uniforms descend upon our boys...the words, "Ayip! Ayip!" are heard as Dross' bag is grabbed and guns are pointed at the heads of he and Roberts.] SR: Jesus, I didn't know the Psycho was so over in Turkey. TD: Steve...maybe we should just be quiet for now...folks...that's all from last week...but on Wednesday...somewhere far away from here will be the War... [The word "War" brings out more shouts...a shot is fired that bursts an overhead light...and now a small glass bottle with a maple leaf drawn on the cap, a murky brown liquid slightly visible through the opaque glass, is pulled from Dross' bag...] TD: Uh-oh. SR: They got your horse, buddy? Your smack, your china white, your pale rider, your goldenhair surprise, your liquid orgasm? TD: Uh-oh. [Dross now flashes back, flashes back to his Toronto hotel room of Monday morning, when following the IIeW card he quickly packed for the flight to what he then believed would be Sydney....the sound of his heartbeat... lubdub is heard both in the live airport shot and the Monday hotel remembrance...Dross grabbing a bottle of Canadian maple syrup from the honor bar... neglecting to pay the $37.00 that it was listed as costing... Dross taking masking tape and taping the bottle... lubdub...lubdub...lubdub... to the inside of his carry on. Dross serious in his work, clearly wanting to make certain that it doesn't shatter in the overhead compartment... he secures the syrup in his bag... lubdublubdublubdublubdublubdublubdub ...syrup which right now is being held aloft for all the uniformed me to see...the guns now all pointing at Dross as he says the words...] TD: War Room. Let's take our first look at all the action. [And then Dross is quickly dragged away, Roberts and Carson each yelling in his wake... Dross taken by the Turkish folk singer who appears to be singing "The Needle and The Damage Done" as the shot fades...] ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v v / | __| FIRST LOOK: |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| IIWF Wednesday War Room: 4 March 1998 ....................................................................... [Fade back in on the outside of a small room over which is the word, "Sagmalicilar". Through a tiny window, we see Dross, seated at a small table and being berated by two unformed men... two sweaty, greasy men with hair growing from their ears, decayed teeth, oily moustaches and ill fitting drab uniforms. One man appears to be boiling over at Dross, shaking the maple syrup bottle in his face, while the other now quietly stands, blows smoke in Dross' face...and orders him to remove his jacket...and other clothing. Roberts and Carson, attempting to peer through the window, draw back...the Soundbite with a desperate, wild look in his eye as he now begins...] SR: Wello, folks. The damn dirty camel jockeys got my buddy Dross. So, a man likes to inject some brown sugar every now and again...who among us can say we've never had occasional to use some intravenous drug? Maybe late at night, sharing a needle with some friendly Haitian crack whore? Carson: Not me! SR: Exactly, little buddy. Exactly. We'll get you out of there, Dross! We'll get you out of there! ------------------------------------------ Andrew Macbeth vs. Scott "the Whine" Bloom The Machines vs. The Barnacle Brothers Night Patrol vs. The Rotundos Richard "Moxy" Blue vs. El Super Gecko ------------------------------------------ [We look through the window...Dross is now shirtless, his armpits being carefully examined by the two men...] SR: So...what. We gots to do this show, it's what my buddy Dross would've wanted. Uh... Carson: Big, Big card! SR: Thanks, little man. Big, Big card! And we've got that new guy Banquo. Go get 'em, Banquo! What else...oh yeah...oh yeah. The Super Machines. You know, guys have always gotten this wrong, just 'cause I coined the term tough guy/gay guy tag teams, doesn't mean that I don't like the gay guys. I was just making an observation. Carson: Obsuhvation. SR: So, what the hell, if Wong wants to be a gay guy or a butch guy or a confused/bi looking to a white couple in the Brooklyn area to explore mutually acceptable boundaries, role playing is encouraged, you be Stonewall Jackson and I'll be the naughty, naughty Union soldier. Carson: I wike the Machines! SR: Good enough for me. We got Night Patrol -- and they used to be here and then they left and now they're back. One of them is new, I can't think of any reason to care about that yet. YOU BASTARDS LET MY BUDDY DROSS GO!! [More uniformed men approach, clearly requesting that Roberts keep the noise down, the folk singer now loudly wailing what seems to be a version of "Maggie's Farm" as Roberts once again calms down.] SR: And Moxy Blue is wrestling. -------------------------------------------------------- Damien Lestat vs. Battalion Harlequins vs. Prophets of Rage Charles Scheffield vs. "Real Deal" Luke Steele "To Excess" Rick Williams vs. "The Intrepid" Ryan Howard -------------------------------------------------------- [Inside the small, claustrophobic room, Dross is now hanging from the ceiling by his ankles, Dross gently swaying back and forth while the men continue to check his armpits.] SR: This Battalion guy is still around, thrilling us all with his Steamboat-esque workrate. He meets the vampire guy with the cooler. Hey, we got black guys! Excellent! My homeys will be keepin' it real against the Harlequins. Now, you want to see someone stripped to the waist and hanging upside down...you want that Melody. Firm abdominals. Taut, smooth skin. Breasts like large apples, ready to be plucked... I say Hey Bobaree-ah! Carson: Hey Bobawee-ah! SR: Hey Bobaree-ah! Carson: Hey Bobawee-ah! SR: I wish all the girls! Carson: I wish all the girls! SR: Were bricks in a pile! Carson: Were bwicks in a pile! SR: And I'd be the mason! Carson: And I'd be the mason! SR: And lay 'em with a smile! Carson: And way 'em with a smile! SR: Steele meets Scheffield, this kid Scheffield's an up and comer who's gonna be a down and outer if he keeps messing with Big Serge. Luke's got that Floating DDT and I heard that he stuffed his dead mother and put her in the corner of his living room. Whenever the Indians score three or more runs he carries her around the house and does the tomahawk chop. And I ain't talkin' 'bout no Native American war signal. Carson: Good Gwief! SR: Hah! Hey, listen, little guy, if we never get Dross out of here, how 'bout you and me...nah, what am I saying, we've survived Tijuana, a bondage club, a voodoo temple, Leavenworth, the US Air Force Academy, Disneyland and like a billion other things, we'll get him outta here...and Rick Williams, like that guy -- he'll meet Ryan Howard, who obviously has learned from the mistakes made by the American Dragons. Carson: It's the Wah Woom! SR: Yeah, whatever. Ain't like I'll ever watch it. [Back to the small room, Dross is now on his feet, we see a flash of movement as the shot goes fuzzy....in English, one of the guards is clearly heard to say, "Let go of his tongue! LET GO OF HIS TONGUE!" The man protecting the door turns his back on Roberts, who takes the opportunity to grab Carson and sprint away, Roberts running out of the corridor, the Turkish guards recovering and then moving in pursuit, Roberts turning a corner and finding an airduct, and with the folk singer warbling "A Hard Rain's-A Gonna Fall" with the naked Soy bomb man now spinning on a piece of cardboard... the shot fades.] ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v v / | __| FIRST LOOK: |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| IIWF Saturday Night: 7 March 1998 ....................................................................... 1. IIWF WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: Steve "the Fury" Kowalski vs. Serge Annis 2. Gunnar "Grizzly" Gaines vs. Jimmy "the Meatman" Steele 3. "TEAM SYCHOSYS FUNKY LIKE A MONKEY WORLD TOUR '98" DOUBLE BULLROPE MATCH: Team Sychosys vs. The Machines 4. IIWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: Duncan Macbeth vs. "Real Deal" Luke Steele 5. IIWF CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: "Enigma" Takezo Musashi vs. Harlequin Tragedy 6. Deathbringer vs. Harlequin Chaos 7. American Dragons vs. Fabulous Ones 8. Eddy "Flap" Jacks vs. Ike Sampson [Fade back up, now on the interior of the Sagmalicilar. Dross and his two Turkish "captors" are all seated around the table, all stripped to the waist, and all eating sandwiches.] TD: You see what I told you Tamburlane? Maple syrup is excellent with tongue. [Nodding from both of the Turkish officers, one of them requesting more of Dross' syrup for his sandwich.] TD: Sure, Hamidou, go ahead and eat the rest of mine as well. I need to get back to the show. Wello, folks. I apologize for my lack of decorum, but it's like a Turkish prison in here. [The two officers laugh uproariously, the one called Hamidou slapping Dross on the back.] TD: We've gotten our little situation all squared away... [Each officer grabs for the bottle of maple syrup, the tug and tug and tug....Tamburlane finally drawing his gun and grasping in from Hamidou, Tamburlane pouring more of the syrup onto his tongue sandwich.] TD: ...so let's take a look at our big, big card coming your way this Saturday Night! All three singles titles on the line, folks -- and what huge impact this week might have as we approach Ring Wars V! Serge Annis once again has earned the right to face the World Champion -- and you have to wonder if Mad Dog Watkins might make an appearance on behalf of his long-time friend/rival Steve Kowalski in that one. Imagine the ramifications if it is Serge Annis who moves onto the big main event at Ring Wars V! And what is the state of the Watkins/Kowalski relationship after this past Sunday? Duncan Macbeth will put his Intercontinental title on the line against the man with the floating DDT, Luke Steele -- and the dominant figure in all of wrestling these days, Takezo Musashi, will risk the wrath of the entire Federation as he meets Harlequin Tragedy. Hey, guys, this is the part where Steve Roberts usually makes a comment about Melody or The Enigma or maybe even makes fun of Luke Steele's nickname... can you guys maybe help me out? [The two men put down their sandwiches and confer.] Tam: Enigma from Turkey. Ham.: Luke Steele has funny name. Both men: Shoot, Soundbite! Shoot! TD: We'll see a rivalry in the making when Gunnar Gaines meets the Meatman, Jimmy Steele... [Tamburlane holds up the sandwich.] TD: Meatman...well, I suppose he might have tongue. I don't know. Ham: Melody have tongue. TD: See, you guys are getting the hang of this. Listen, if Steve Roberts doesn't come back...no, what am I saying, after the F-111 flight and the Calgary Starbucks and the beach in West Palm and the Boeing Business Jet...of course he'll come back. Two battles of the big men when the Deathbringer meets Chaos, that should certainly draw some interest from Tragedy, and newcomer Eddy Jacks takes on Ike Sampson. We'll also see great tag team action, Team Sychosys meeting the retooled Machines and the American Dragons hooking up with the Fabulous Ones, all four of those teams have got to be thinking that those tag title belts are fitting awfully loosely around the new champions waists. It is IIWF Saturday Night! Don't miss a... [There is a crash, as a skylight in the room falls, we look up...and crouched in the crawl space over the ceiling is Steve Roberts, his t-shirt tied around his head like a bandana, a smear of paint on each of his cheeks.] TD: Steve Roberts. Welcome. SR: Wello, Dross! Wello, Turks! Here I come to save the day! [Roberts turns around, poised to...well...it looks like he is poised to moonsault from the ceiling, Tamburlane and Hamidau stand and raise their weapons. Dross slowly shakes his head, then smacks his palm to his forehead as Roberts yells out...] SR: Asaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! [A Roberts lifts...the shot goes black....an enormous thud is heard followed by....] TD: Good grief. ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v v / | __| COMING FRIDAY: |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| Countdown to Saturday Night ....................................................................... [Fade back up on Roberts and Dross...the Soundbite now with the hefty, shirtless Dross slung over his shoulder, Roberts staggering out of the room and down the hallway, young Carson in tow.] TD: Steve Roberts. Steve Roberts, put me down! Steve Roberts, this is ridiculous! SR: Dammit, Dross, I'm busting you outta here and getting you in a methadone clinic if it's the last thing I do! TD: Steve Roberts...whoa...whoaaaaaa... [Roberts begins to teeter...Tamburlane and Hamidau are now again visible, waving their goodbyes to Dross, Tamburlane holding the maple syrup and grinning.] SR: Dammit, Dross...they're on our ass! No time to waste! I've read all about places like this, you'll be someone's bride before lunch! We have no time to waste... We have NO TIME TO WASTE!! Wait a minute. [Roberts screeches to a halt, sending Dross tumbling to the floor. Roberts stopping dead in front of the young naked man with the words Soy Bomb written on his chest -- the folk singer now gently playing "Take Me Out To The Ballgame"...Roberts sizes up the young man, who now appears to be going into spasm... ...Roberts kicks him in the midsection...applies a front facelock...and DDTs him right to a nearby briefcase! Applause rises from the passers-by, Roberts taking a bow...then grabbing the folks singer...and DDT'ing him atop the first man! Loud screams from the airport...security then begins running toward our boys again...] TD: Uh-oh. [Dross, Roberts and young Carson then burst into a dead sprint, running seemingly from the entire airport.] TD: We're out of time! We're out of time! Watch Dave and Larry and Becky tomorrow! Watch Larry and guest on Friday... [A shot rings out, Roberts yelling,] SR: Soyle Boyle! Soyle Boyle you bastards! TD: And then...then on Saturday... [Roberts grabs young Carson, carrying him now like a football as he hurdles an enormous baggage cart....Roberts then bursting open the door to the tarmac and waving Dross through.] TD: IIWF Saturday Night! Two Hours! We'll see you next week! We're out of time! We're out of time! [Carly Simon's "You're So Vain" begins, Roberts, Dross and Carson sprint up the stairs of the plane as they retract...dozens and dozens of Turks shaking their fists following...just as our boys hit the plane, it begins its departure... leaving the screaming Turks in the dust... the plane begins to take off... one man still hanging on... ...but he drops off...Roberts, Dross and Carson safely flying away and as the side of the airborne plane comes into view we clearly see the picture of... A koala bear. The airline is Qantas. And as young Carson places his face against the window, pointing to something which appears to be moving on the wing and laughing, the shot and the music fade.] +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= I * I * W * F =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-+ | President: Daniel Spreadbury | Vice-President: Gregg Osterhout | | univ0322@sable.ox.ac.uk | ghost@frii.com | | iiwf@sisko.demon.co.uk | | +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- http://www.sisko.demon.co.uk -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=+