. ___. __ ____ __ ________ ______ ||\ |/ | || | | || | || |\ \ /\ / /| __| || \|\__ | __||__ | |_||__ | || | \ v v / | __| || | \|/ || | | || |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| ||______/|\__||__ | | ||_________________________ with Tim Dross and "Soundbite" Steve Roberts Tuesday 10 March 1998 ................................................... S P E C I A L A N N I V E R S A R Y E D I T I O N [Silence. The screen reads: March 11, 1997 Fade up now on Tim Dross from one year ago, seated in IIWF Studio 3 in front of a bank of monitors showing IIWF matches past and present. Dross, approximately 10 pounds lighter and with an evident bead of sweat trickling down his face is wearing his blue blazer and takes what was described as an "uncharacteristic deep breath" as he begins the show...] TD: Hello again IIWF fans and welcome to "Inside the IIWF"..... [Fade out....and then back up to Dross at a point later in that program...] TD: The IIWF was "invaded" Saturday Night once again by two well known representatives from the so-called "Loop" federations, in my opinion, more noted for their bluster than excellent ring work.... [Fade out...and then back up as Dross, relief obvious on his smiling face, concludes the program.] TD: For all of us with the finest wrestling Federation in the world today, the mighty IIWF, I'm Tim Dross. Goodnight Everybody! [As the crew warmly applauds the effort, Dross emits a "noticeable exhalation of air" and the shot once again goes black...... [Van Halen's "Top Jimmy" plays as the shot now opens on the Arm Bar in the historic Pearl District of Portland, Oregon, the only professional wrestling themed sports bar west of the Mississippi. IIWF fans of all shapes, sizes, races, creeds, and other manner of demographic are pounding their Black Strap Stout mugs on tables, walls, fellow patrons, as they wait for the entrances of everyone's favourite couple: Veteran IIWF commentators Tim Dross and Steve "Soundbite" Roberts. Within the crowd, we see some faces familiar to watchers of this program since March 11, 1997 -- the 500 pound representative of the Jobber Justice Squad -- The Smooth...the burly Nils, bus-driver, pilot and otherwise captain of all things IIWF Express...former IIWF commentator Steve Summer, the creator of the "New IIWF Generation"....diminutive "Latin American Sensation" Hugo Hugo, IIWF referee and former 13 time Honduran Cruiserweight Champion...young eight year old Carson, whose shock of blond hair has now been slicked back, with his Ray-Ban sunglasses tucked in the front of his t-shirt which sports the slogan: "Too Dominant". We see other familiar faces, Joan Embry...Snow White...a bedraggled prostitute known as "Maggie Paris"...a raven-haired slightly chubby girl named Monica...former Republican candidate for President Bob Dole is there...as is First Daughter Chelsea Clinton, who is currently being chatted up by Tamburlane and Hamidou, the Turkish guards from last week... Near the back is the check-in girl from the Vagabond Inn in Nebraska City, Nebraska...a guard from the Leavenworth Federal Penitentiary, the tuba player from the USC marching band...the high priestess from the New Orleans voodoo temple....the bouncer from Bondage-A-Go-Go in San Francisco...two DEA agents from Pro-Player Stadium in Miami... ...A decapitated Mexican chicken named "Super Scott"... ...A plastic blow up doll named "Troy".... ...a folding table strapped to the ceiling on which is the picture of the late Bulldog Brown... And walking into the shot, stepping in front of the centre bar, giving a wave to the familiar, bearded former IIWF official who is pounding away at a laptop set up next to half of a trophy..... ...is Tim Dross. Big POP for the veteran commentator, who is wearing a brand new brown suit and has a gleam in his eye as the music fades and the shot zooms in on him.] TD: You are _Tuned_In_ to "Inside the IIWF"! [Huge roar from the patrons.] TD: You are _Tuned_In_ to the Nerve Centre of professional wrestling... the Arm Bar in Portland, Oregon!! [Big Hometown Pop!] TD: You are _Tuned_In_ to your weekly look at all the news, views, reviews and previews, highlights and sidelights -- cheers and jeers -- a look back at the week that was and then up ahead at what will be here in the consensus Number One professional wrestling organisation in the world today..... [Together, the amassed throng shouts out the words that have become to be associated with Tim Dross more than any other....] "THE _MIGHTY_ I-I-W-F!!" TD: I am your host, Tim Dross -- and folks, this is a very special episode of "Inside the IIWF" -- as it is our One Year Anniversary under our current behind the scenes production "team"... and also, our second to last broadcast ever under that team. [A "Whoo-hooo!" is heard from the direction of the bearded former IIWF executive, who continues his typing.] TD: We have had a run over this past year that is beyond description -- and throughout this very special show, we'll be taking a look back at some of the moments that have made this show, well, truly one of a kind in the field of sports entertainment. And...at the centre of the majority of those moments is a man who, well, who became somewhat of a wrestling phenomenon over the past 365 days, my tag-team colleague... [Big, Big Pop as the opening strains from Van Halen's "Running With the Devil" are heard and emerging from the back...is the former front-man for that group, none other than David Lee Roth! Pop from the patrons, particularly as they recognise the elderly blond woman with a microphone is, in fact, Diamond Dave -- the years clearly not kind to the man who once rode with guitarists Stevie Vai and Bad Billy Sheehan atop a giant inflatable hot dog. And as the music continues, Roth begins to sing:] # I live my life, like there's no tomorrow And all I've got, I had to steal At least I don't need to beg or borrow Yes I'm livin' at a pace that kills... Ooh yeah, Runnin' with the Devil... Aaah yeah, Runnin' With the Devil... [Cut to a series of shots of Steve Roberts' t-shirts throughout the past year, with slogans like, "The IIWF -- No Love, No Learnin'".... "Kickin' Da Ass -- Eatin' Da Biscuits".... "Payback's A Bitch -- And So Is Quigley" "Dan Kauffman's Dead. Long Live Harlequin Melody." "If It Ain't The IIWF -- It's Just Make Believe" "Who?"] # I found the simple life, wasn't so simple When I jumped out on that road I got no love, no love you'd call real Ain't got nobody, waitin' at ho-ome. Run-ning With the De-vil... I'm Running, ha-ard... Run-ning With the Devil. # [We see another shot of Roberts with a t-shirt of the US World War II bomber Enola Gay flying over Japan with the slogan: "Now...That's A Bump!" And then a collection of half a dozen middle aged, drunken, overweight members of the almost year old fanclub known as the L'il Soundbiters storm Roth, gathering him up and carrying him from the bar while the patrons applaud. Young Carson is given a microphone and lifted high into the air by The Smooth as he completes the introduction....] CARSON: Wadies and Gentuhmen, the Hahdest Wuhking Man in the Wesswing Business, The two and a hawf Gwappuh Awahd Winning... Bwack Jesus... STEVE "SOUNDBITE" WOBUHTS!! [The chants of "Shoot, Soundbite! Shoot! are heard as the man himself peeks his head up from behind the bar... then drops it back down... The pounding of the mugs of stout continue, beating in time with the rhythmic chanting... "Shoot, Soundbite! Shoot! Shoot, Soundbite! Shoot!" As Roberts again pokes his head up... then with a huge grin slides over top the bar and next to Dross. Big Pop as Roberts opens his trademark leather jacket to reveal a t-shirt which on the back reads... "The IIWF: Go Big...Or Go Home" ...and on the front... "EVERYTHING ELSE SUCKS!"] TD: Steve Roberts... Welcome. SR: Drossy, I'm a very simple man with very simple tastes. I likes the beer, the biscuits, the underage women and an occasional no-rope double hell "Look Ma, No Ears" barbed wire baseball bat match... So par-don me if I be a bit slow on the uptake, but let me ask you this... TD: Fire away. SR: Before March 11, 1997 -- there was a show on the air called "Inside the IIWF". Ain't that right? TD: Absolutely. It was a fine show run under the firm hand of the first ever IIWF Vice-President. SR: And, after Ring Wars V: Electric Boogalive, when the IIWF comes back from its customary post pay-per-view hiatus, won't there be a show on Tuesdays called "Inside the IIWF"? TD: Again, you are correct, "Inside the IIWF" is longer than a year old -- and it is not... I repeat... not going off the air any time soon. SR: Then Jesus, buddy. Why the bunting, why the trip down memory lane, why... Hey, Chelsea baby, how you doin' sweet cakes? Why don't you and me hook up after the show and I'll show you why all the boys in the back call me "The Anchor." TD: Your attention span deficiency aside... SR: Huh? TD: This is, as I mentioned at the top of the broadcast, the one year anniversary of "Inside the IIWF" as run by our current production team... SR: The guy with the beard. TD: Yes. SR: Hey, pretty funny what happened to him on Day One at the IIeW with those MLWO fans attacking him... too bad about what would happen to those same fans during the Kowalski/Watkins match. Why do bad things always happen to good people, Dross? Why? Why? Why? TD: And that production team will be leaving the IIWF following Ring Wars... SR: To fade into obscurity... TD: ...so when we say we have two shows left -- or this is our Anniversary broadcast -- it is not intended as a slight to those who have gone before -- nor a diminishment of those who will follow -- it's just a recognition of the accomplishments over the past year. SR: Well, that was womanly of you Dross. When are you ever gonna be tired of the "high road"? TD: About 190 miles back, Steve Roberts. Folks, the Road To Ring Wars V could hardly have taken more twists and turns...but as we approach the jewel in the Pay-Per-View crown, your card for Ring Wars V is all set up -- and it has a decidedly wicked bent. To see where we are...let's take a look at where we've been... let's take a look at all that went down last Saturday Night! ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v v / | __| REWIND: |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| IIWF Saturday Night: 7 March 1998 ....................................................................... - Deathbringer d. Chaos (DQ) - Ike Sampson d. Eddy Jacks - Fabulous Ones draw American Dragons - - IIWF Cruiserweight Championship: Takezo Musashi d. Tragedy - IIWF Intercontinental Championship: Duncan Macbeth d. Luke Steele - Machines d. Team Sychosys - Gunnar Gaines draw Meatman - IIWF Heavyweight Championship: Steve Kowalski d. Serge Annis {Cut to videotaped footage from 1997:} SR: You know what it's like? It's like that black kid....Gary Coleman. Oh sure, everyone loved him with the "Whatchu talkin' 'bout Willis" but when he grew up -- people booed him. TD: I don't think people booed him. SR: Oh sure, all day long people booing Gary Coleman, throwing vegetables at him and chanting "Die Arnold, Die." {Cut to shots of "The Soundbite Stall"....then of Steve Roberts' music video version of "I Want To Know What Love Is"....then of Steve Roberts leading the IIWF production crew in "Solidarity Forever." Now back to the live Arm Bar shot...} SR: And the Union makes us strong, baby dolls. TD: Ring Wars V is set -- 3 big hours, 12 big matches -- and oh, what a hardcore lover's party it will be. SR: What evil I hath wrought. TD: Saturday Night saw successful title defences by all three IIWF singles champions -- and all of those championship belts will be on the line one week from Saturday Night. The man, is of course The Fury -- and Steve Kowalski finally scored a Skullpump and a pinfall over Serge Annis -- setting up perfectly his World Championship defence against Shadoe Rage. SR: Landmines and blackouts, Dross -- which I think was Eisenhower's autobiography. I am telling you, the Rage kid has risen through the water too quickly. Carbon dioxide, bubbling through his blood. Veins, lungs, bursting with oxygen poisoning. Poor, poor little Shadoe, blown to bits by a Skullpump. TD: Duncan Macbeth, who has not exactly been the fightingest Intercontinental Champion there ever was, defeated Luke Steele -- which kicked off a brawl between he and Simon Lebec -- not their first extracurricular confrontation over the past couple of months -- and that sets up the Intercontinental Title Match at Ring Wars, when these two men hook it up on a barge on the River Thames. SR: Well, Buckhouse Buck references aside, you really gotta wonder what Lebec brings to the party in this one. This is not a guy who has driven hard to the post -- not a guy who is on a winning streak of any type of length -- not a guy who has grabbed the IC division by the short and curlies and said, "When Am I Gonna Get Me Some Competition?" Does he really have the jack to wear the second most important belt in this sport? TD: There is a man, however, who has firmly grasped the IIWF in his fist over the past few months -- and that man is the Cruiserweight Champion Takezo Musashi -- I cannot recall the last time we have seen a wrestler so dominate the entire landscape of the IIWF, The Enigma seemingly fearless in his assaults on all manner of IIWF superstar. SR: Goddamn you gotta like the Egyptian guy, Dross. Half crazy, possibly syphilitic, who knows the horrible blotches that might now...AS WE SPEAK...exist all up and down the Enigma's genital region I think we should all say a silent prayer. [Roberts bows his head, prompting many of the Arm Bar patrons to do the same....Dross sighs and then joins in -- only to find that Roberts, of course, has slipped away and has begun to rub himself in an ungentlemanly manner against Snow White.] TD: Steve Roberts! SR: Sorry, baby dolls. Sometimes a man's gotta be his own dog. TD: The Enigma defeated Harlequin Tragedy on Saturday Night, only to find that his opponent one week from this Saturday will be none other than young Icehawk! The three time IIWF tag champion, perhaps the finest young aerialist in this sport -- Icehawk will return to the IIWF and meet Takezo Musashi at Ring Wars. SR: Dross, I know you have this soft spot for Mitch Gaylord because he was Summer's favourite wrestler...hi, Stevie, can you super-size my order please? [Steve Summer, a bandage over his right arm, yells out, "Super-size! That's a good one Mr. Roberts. You've always been very funny!"] SR: But I just ain't seein' it -- Musashi's a freaking beast and inside the steel cage at Ring Wars, he's gonna go Yakuza all up and down Gaylord's ass. Not that he'd mind. TD: We also have seen perhaps an alliance between Takezo Musashi and Joe Petrow...perhaps The Enigma has joined TS, and what role will that play at Ring Wars -- not only in that big, big Cruiserweight match -- but also in the Triangle Tag Title match where Team Sychosys, who were defeated by the Machines in a solid battle on Saturday Night -- will meet the Champion Down Boys and the former Champion Natural Predators. And get this folks, get this, not only will this be a Triangle Match for the IIWF Tag Team Championship of the World....but it will be a Return to The Tables! That's right, one year following that historic 7 Tables of Fear Matchup between Joe Petrow and Dirt Dog Unique Allah at Ring Wars 3, the IIWF will go back to the match that, well, that really started this "harder edge" that we will see in it's most exaggerated form one week from this Saturday. SR: Yeah, with all the walking down memory lane we're doing tonight, the Toronto Table Dance is a good place to go back -- I don't really think it was the "greatest match in IIWF history" as people like to throw around, hell, you could fit three 7 Tables Matches in last week's Kowalski/Watkins match alone. But what it was Dross was different -- different than anything the Double Eye had done before, I mean, Good God Dross, think about what we have coming up on Pay-Per-View, an All Garbage Ring Wars! It's an orgy, a sensory overload, a feast for the 'Lil Soundbiter in all of us. TD: Heaven help us all. SR: Hell yeah! I'm gonna want the AB negative concession come Ring Wars. TD: We also saw the man who was ranked the number one wrestler in the world just two years ago, Gunnar Gaines, continue to impress in the early days of his IIWF career with an ostentatious display Saturday Night, kidnapping The Meatman and nearly freezing him to death! And that leads us to our exclusive announcement, Steve Roberts... SR: Remember when we got all the exclusive announcements? Ah, those were the days.... TD: No they were not. On March 22, at Ring Wars 5 -- Gunnar Gaines will meet the Meat -- Gaines vs. Meatman in a "Coffin Cooler" Match -- the only way to win is to lock your opponent _inside_ the confines of a WALK IN FREEZER! SR: I was locked in a big walk in freezer once. TD: Really, Steve? How'd that turn out for you? SR: Best weekend of my life. [Confetti drops from the ceiling, a huge banner unfurled which reads: "Happy Anniversary!" as each patron in the Arm Bar begins to play a souvenir kazoo.] SR: Congratulations, Dross -- that is your 500th set up line on this program during the past year! You play a straight man better than Tom Cruise, baby dolls. TD: You know, Steve...it puts me in mind of some of the other great moments we've had on this show. SR: Really, Dross? Hmmmm. It almost seems like they've happened yesterday... [The shot begins to grow wavy, Dross and Roberts chuckling as the shot...then goes back to the live picture at the Arm Bar.] TD: Uh...no. That would be the cue for more hilarious highlights. SR: Morons. The guy with the beard is gonna wind up producing open road racing shows in El Salvador, where, by the way, Dross, you can get a virgin to sit on your face for seven dollars.... TD: Steve, no one got "Midnight Express" last week, they aren't going to get that one. SR: Just show the goddamn clips. {Cut to Dross and Roberts from 1997:} TD: Cheshire has left the IIWF. We will miss him. SR: Oh yeah, mothers and sons weeping openly. "Clown Boy is gone -- I loved him so." {Cut to a shot of the Tijuana prison, Soundbite leaning against a side wall, harmonica in hand while The Smooth snuggles with young Steve Summer and Dross stands wearily holding onto the bars:} SR: The Soundbite ain't no racist. Can I help it if all the black guys in the IIWF travel together? Did I say, "Hey black guys, you put on the red jerseys"... SR: I've been beaten up, my chicken died, I lost all my money and I'm stuck in a prison cell with Tim Dross about to watch Steve Summer do the love thing with a 500 pound Mexican named The Smooth. But I'd still rather be me than Brody Thunder. {Cut to one more clip from 1997:} SR: I guess your little run-in with Requiem on Saturday Night has stirred you up a little bit? TD: Who? SR: Shoot, Dross! Shoot! Shoot, Dross! Shoot! {Cut back to the Arm Bar} TD: Quite a year, Steve Roberts -- and quite a Saturday Night we had last week, a night which also saw the Deathbringer defeat Chaos -- and the former IIWF Champion will meet Tragedy in maybe the strangest ladder match of all time one week from Saturday Night, Ike Sampson narrowly edged Eddy Jacks and the Fabulous Ones with the draw with the American Dragons. [From the house, young Carson is heard.] CARSON: 'Merican 'Ragons Suck! SR: I love that little guy, Dross. TD: Steve Roberts, I have neglected to bring this up...but doesn't young Carson have parents? How did he wind up on our flight to Japan? Shouldn't we contact the authorities? SR: We're gonna send him to Arizona St. TD: Good grief. SR: Did you get his Dip-tet, Dross? Gotta do that Dross. TD: Folks, we have one more week, one more big week of action before we head to Wembley Stadium for Ring Wars 5 -- we're going to go in just a second to take our _First_Look_ at all the War Room action -- but first, here is a videotaped message from our esteemed IIWF President -- Dan Spreadbury.... SR: Oh, Boss..... [Cut to hand-held camera footage of the bespectacled IIWF President in casual clothes as he loads a case into the back of his rental car after Saturday Night's show at the Sydney Opera House. He slams the car boot shut and pushes his glasses up his nose as he turns to the camera:] DS: For the past twelve months, "Inside the IIWF" has gone from strength to strength, and it has been a major contributory factor in the IIWF's continued popularity throughout 1997 and now well into 1998. The production team -- not to mention its co-host -- have pushed the envelope in terms of creativity, in terms of controversy, in terms of commentary... and I firmly believe... Aw hell, we're supposed to be having fun. Here's to you, Jim, and one kick-ass show. Roll out one more for us, number one. But make sure we get the ratings. See you in the Congo. [The IIWF President hops into his car. Fade.] ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v v / | __| FIRST LOOK: |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| IIWF Wednesday War Room: 11 March 1998 ....................................................................... {Cut to more highlights from 1997, we see Steve Roberts with a red bandanna and a large clock hanging from his neck:} SR: Yo, G. I's jus' tryin' to show I'm down with the thing, you knizzo what I'm saying? Don't believe the hype and stay off the pipe, Dross. Word to your mother. How is your mother, Dross? Wasn't it her birthday a few weeks ago? Happy Birthday, Mrs. Dross. Sweet woman. It's a 187 and I'm ready to ride. {Cut to another clip, this time from the Fleet Center in Boston.} SR: What the hell kind of world are we livin' in, Dross, where a man can't tool around New England in a rented 'Stang, Golden Earring blaring out of the tapedeck with the underage daughter of the President of the United States half naked, straddling you and yelling, "Shoot, Soundbite! Shoot!" {Cut to one more clip...} SR: Unite the great fans of the IIWF! One big tent! One big, smelly, poorly constructed, socially irresponsible and borderline schizophrenic tent. ------------------------------------------------ Josef "the Cavalier" Taduescz vs. El Super Gecko Steve Manning vs. "Nifty" Ned Norton American Dragons vs. Rotundos Jimmy "the Meatman" Steele vs. Bobby B. Goode ------------------------------------------------ TD: Big final War Room coming from the IIWF Wrestle Vessel on the Indian Ocean tomorrow night... SR: And Dross, it will fittingly kick off the only way the last War Room before a Big, Big Pay-Per-View could, with perhaps the most electrifying ring presence in the history of this company... this guy named Taduescz. Get that 30 bucks in today, folks! Flood the Portland offices with calls! We Want Taduescz! We Want Taduescz! We Want... [The patrons attempt to chant along... but as no one can pronounce the name of the "Cavalier" it quickly dies down.] SR: There's a gimmick I'm glad came back. Next he'll be calling himself "The Nightwing Phoenix" and sucking golf balls through a garden hose. TD: Steve Manning also in action. SR: Hey, didja hear Chris Quigley got screwed? TD: Steve Roberts. SR: No Dross, no, I just keep hearing that Chris Quigley got screwed, this hack Manning keeps saying it and there's some "shoot".... TD: Steve Roberts. Anniversary show. Happy, happy. SR: ...videotape floating around. Here's my "shoot", Dross.... TD: Good grief. SR :...here's a guy who is a cookie cutter rip-off worse than anything the Natural Predators ever tried to do, a guy whose heat came from the fact that people couldn't believe he wasn't a minor league mid-carder come last summer as opposed to getting the kind of constant, incessant push saved for guys with actual talent, a guy who gets over Brody Thunder and Steve Kowalski and then has an unbelievable Intercontinental Title run at the end of the year where he gets to do everything he asks to do, including beat that one-eyed guy whose name I can't remember right now, and then, with some freakishly mediocre tactics, defends that title against Duncan Macbeth at Ring Wars IV, which drew more hails of protest than Ulysses S. Grant's decision not to retreat at Shiloh in 1863 -- and finally -- finally when he gets his -- when he loses to the number three wrestler in the entire world -- he walks out and says the IIWF both helped and hurt his career! Is he drunk, Dross? Is that what it is? Is Chris Quigley drunk all the time? You wanna know what hurt your career, Chrissie? You not being any good, that's what hurt your career. What helped your career was me, Quigley. Steve "Soundbite" Roberts. Without me blasting on you every week -- you're Luke Steele without the borrowed move. And don't you forget it. TD: American Dragons on the card. SR: Anyteam, Anywhere, Anytime. TD: As is the Meatman. SR: Hey, Dross -- you know I don't watch the other piece of crap shows we have around here -- but I happened to accidentally stumble across the Friday show -- hey, who was the guest this week, Macbeth or Turner? -- anyway, I happened to see some footage of the Meatguy taking a poke at Oprah Winfrey after her win over the boys down in Texas. Dross, I haven't laughed so hard since I saw Morton French kissing that "Delta Force" poster. Special Soundbite seal of approval for the Meatguy! TD: It was indeed a creative, interesting use of his "Countdown" time. SR: Creative? Shoot, no one cares about creative. This is rasslin', Dross, the toy department, the virtual sandbox where the frame of reference of the average suit is five minutes ago. Nah, the people are too damn stupid to wrap their one firing neurone around anything but the simplest of ideas -- I just liked it 'cause someone took a poke at Oprah. You know, I took a poke at Oprah once. TD: We've done that one already, Steve. SR: I could talk about biscuits. TD: Did that too. SR: Sexual innuendo? TD: At least. SR: Unfairly make fun of the wrestlers? TD: Absolutely. SR: Hidden messages to the whiners? TD: Probably someplace. SR: Then let's move on. ------------------------------------------------------- Ike Sampson vs. "To Excess" Rick Williams Eddy "Flap" Jacks vs. Edmund Fitzgerald Richard "Moxy" Blue vs. Marty Warnett "The Intrepid" Ryan Howard vs. Christopher Stonebreaker ------------------------------------------------------- TD: Some fine action in the competitive half of the War Room tomorrow night. The Wrestle Clean posterboy, Ike Sampson... SR: One day, Dross. One day people will thank me for warning them about the infamous "Hot Dog Killer". TD: ...will take on Rick Williams, who has a Ring Wars date with none other than Marty Warnett -- those two men set to meet in a "Blindfold Match". SR: Well, judging from blindfold matches held in other promotions -- the workrate involved there is right up Warnett's alley. Rick Williams is a stud, Dross -- he's big, strong and young -- here's one of the guys who are gonna carry this company through the rest of '98. TD: That good looking newcomer, Eddy Jacks, takes on Edmund Fitzgerald. SR: Good looking? Have you been watching tapes of Lord Alfred Hayes again? That guy's like a Bullwinkle episode, Dross -- his stuff ain't exactly aimed at the children. TD: I meant that he clearly is a fine competitor. SR: I know what you mean, Nancy Boy. You keep that talk away from my young boy companion Carson. TD: The aforementioned Warnett will meet Moxy Blue -- and Christopher Stonebreaker will take on Ryan Howard. SR: Another Ring Wars match-up here, Dross -- this guy Stonebreaker is gonna hook up with Luke "Everything Rhymes With Deal" Steele in some kind of bucket match. Here's another guy, Dross -- if you tell me that come Ring Wars 6 some six months from now, when you're third string behind Morton and that Bacon guy and I've become Bart Simpson... TD: Excuse me? SR: Bart Simpson. Dammit Dross, follow along, you know by September "Best Weekend of My Life" will be about as cool as "Don't Have A Cow, Man." Anyway, if you tell me that at Ring Wars 6 Rick Williams and Christopher Stonebreaker are each wearing Double Eye gold I won't be a damn bit surprised -- but this guy has to dump this bucket. You bring a bucket to the ring it's carrying only two things: slop or spit -- and neither one is the breakfast of champions, if you know what I'm saying. TD: I never know what you're saying. SR: Spit or Lewinsky, that's what I'm sayin', Dross. You can't run with the MiG's... stay out of MiG alley. TD: As we move to next Saturday's big card on this, our penultimate program, lets take a look at more highlights. {Cut to a clip from 1997:} SR: This Requiem's being champion is the single worst thing to happen to the IIWF since Morton got drunk at last year's Christmas Party tried to feel Sparkplug up!.... {And another cut....} SR: Who's dumber than Billy Shakespeare? Two personalities and both of them suck. {And another....} SR: GWR left. I don't know who that is. {And finally....} SR: If Maggie Paris were a hooker she'd be a real uptown broad, maybe 3 bills an hour, Dross. And just the straight sex, nothing freaky with animals or golden showers. Just Ronnie Paris' wife, naked as the day she was born, striding atop your manhood with the freedom and beauty of a wild beast...a wild $200 an hour beast screaming out, "Tell Me About Your Moonsault, Soundbite!" ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v v / | __| FIRST LOOK: |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| IIWF Saturday Night: 14 March 1998 ....................................................................... 1. Steve "the Fury" Kowalski & Mad Dog Watkins vs. "Savage" Shadoe Rage & Serge Annis 2. "Team Sychosys Funky Like A Monkey World Tour '98" Congo Death Match: Team Sychosys vs. Prophets of Rage 3. Duncan Macbeth & "Rocket Man" Timothy N. Turner vs. "The Savior" Simon Lebec & Andrew Macbeth 4. Christopher Stonebreaker & "Real Deal" Luke Steele vs. Gunnar "Grizzly" Gaines & Jimmy "the Meatman" Steele 5. "The Demon" Damien Lestat vs. Charles Scheffield 6. "Enigma" Takezo Musashi vs. Ike Sampson 7. Richard "Moxy" Blue & Derek Mota vs. "To Excess" Rick Williams & Marty Warnett 8. Natural Predators vs. Night Patrol [A loud crash is heard from the back, along with squeals as a masked man, wielding a pistol, hits the raised platform and hushes the crowd by pointing the gun directly at the head of Roberts, he cocks and presses the cold steel directly against the Soundbite's temple, you can almost feel the air having been taken from the room as Roberts very soothingly speaks.] SR: Uh, buddy... we aren't doing that this week. [The man looks confused... then puts down the gun and exclaims, "Man, I can't never get a break!"] TD: It's okay. We're having a party after the show, have a stout and stay. We have pie. [The man nods his head and moves into the crowd.] SR: Jesus, Dross. These people think we're doing a Bruce Willis movie every week. My DDT is plum wore out, baby dolls. TD: Big, Big card this Saturday Night from Congo. Or Zaire. Or Congo -- whatever they're calling it this week. And it is definably a pre-PPV card, filled with the unique kind of intrigue that is singularly IIWF, namely the mixed tag matches. SR: True that, big man. Right at the top of the card we've got Kowalski and Watkins, like Romeo and Juliet, together in eternity -- and they meet Shadoe Rage and Serge Annis. TD: Previews of not one, but two Ring Wars matches as Annis and Watkins will continue their blood feud from the top of a scaffold one week from this Saturday Night. SR: Then we got Cheesecake, Drossy -- he and his partner... [The patrons all say together.....] "Comp'onions. They like to be called comp'onions." SR: You know, maybe the guy is right -- maybe I have ruined this business. TD: Tim Turner and Duncan Macbeth will meet Simon Lebec, who desperately needs to gain some momentum here, and Andrew Macbeth -- who will meet Turner in a Falls Count Anywhere matchup at Ring Wars 5. SR: Then we have the twist, Drossy, in the IIWF there's always a twist and one of the things I dig is when two guys who can't stand each other are forced to team up. That idea didn't come from some promotion back east, folks -- it is all IIWF. TD: We'll see Stonebreaker and Steele team up against Gaines and the Meatman -- not to mention that earlier in the evening we'll have seen Rick Williams team with Marty Warnett against Moxy Blue and the returning Derek Mota. So, so much intrigue in these matches...will these men work together? Will they attack each other? Will they even try to win these matches? SR: Nope. TD: Nope? SR: To whatever you got, Drossy, I vote no. Damn big government always trying to take my cheese. I'll kick the ass of any man come 'tween me and my gouda. TD: Also... also... we'll have singles action when Damien Lestat meets Charles Scheffield and Takezo Musashi, the cruiserweight champion, meets a man some 100 pounds his larger when he goes up against Ike Sampson. SR: Murderer! Murderer! I think he killed OJ's wife and that waiter. TD: Excuse me? SR: "Alibi Ike" Sampson. He killed Nicole Simpson and her gay waiter boyfriend in Brentwood a few years ago. If the hot dog fits you must acquit. TD: Tag team action when the returning Night Patrol meets the Natural Predators and in some type of "Kill or Be Killed" match-up the Prophets of Rage... quite possibly the greatest IIWF tag team of all time, will meet Team Sychosys. SR: Well, you know how I feel about TS, but scanning the Ring Wars V card I don't see the Prophets of Rage anyplace -- and what that means to me is Derek and Dirt Dog are gonna fly balls to the wall in this one. I think Mister Majestyk might have a death wish if he's getting in the ring in this one. TD: One guy will get that. One guy. SR: One more than normal. TD: Folks, it is IIWF Saturday Night it is coming your way live from Congo... SR: I loved that movie. Lea Thompson baring her 19 year old breasts, her flat stomach curving down to see the hint of her since very well covered triangle of pleasure. TD: You have got to stop this. First of all, it's untoward, secondly -- that movie was not called "Congo," and thirdly -- this obsession you have with teenage girls is...well, it's not the most endearing aspect of your personality. SR: You know what I always say.... TD: Tag Teams: Morons, Jobbers and Gay Guys -- Oh My! SR: No, the other one. TD: Forget the oreos, eat Soundbite cookies? SR: No, the other one. TD: If there's grass on the field, Play Ball! SR: Yup. That's the stuff, buddy. That's the stuff. Mmmm. Poppa Likes. Poppa Likes. [From the end of the bar, the khaki-panted young man whom we have seen before stands, wedging his way through Hoss and Penelope Ann Dross. He holds his pint aloft -- and in slow, deep... reverent tones begins to speak, drawing the attention of every eye in the building.] MAN: The railroad track is miles away, And the day is loud with voices speaking. There isn't a train goes by all day, But I hear its whistle shrieking. All night there isn't a train goes by, Though the night is still for sleep and dreaming But I see its cinders red on the sky, And hear its engine steaming. [The young man's eyes begin to moisten over, a deepness... a richness is added to the timbre of his voice as he concludes:] MAN: My heart is warm with the friends I make, And better friends I'll not be knowing: But there isn't a train I wouldn't take, No matter where it's going. [There is a moment of silence as the young man downs his drink -- and then the patrons in the Arm Bar burst into a powerful chant of: "I-I-W-F....I-I-W-F....I-I-W-F....I-I-W-F..." As more highlight clips then roll:] SR: Highwayfreak, there's always a "Will Job to You for Food" sign that you could hold up at farms, county fairs and outhouses all across Norh America.... [And then...] SR: I almost feel bad for old Nightwing, Dross. I mean he spends a lot of time trying to stop sucking but when he's around, sucking mysteriously occurs. "Hey what's with all this sucking? Oh, sorry Nightwing. Didn't see you there." [And then....] SR: You might as well call up Elton John and have him remake one of his crappy songs for you, because_Genesis_Is_Dead! [And finally...dripping with gold chains and valvoline, the emergence of Steve Summer from 1997:] SS: We_are_taking_over.... There o'ly three things the Summer guy like mang, good food....good drink....and good cheecas. ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v v / | __| COMING FRIDAY: |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| Countdown to Saturday Night ....................................................................... [Several of the patrons have now hopped to the raised platform on which the special jumbo screen has been placed over the centre bar, The Smooth, Carson, Nils, Hugo Hugo and Steve Summer all surround Dross and Roberts as the show concludes.] TD: Well folks, it has been quite a year -- and there couldn't be anything more fitting than for it to end as we wind up the Road to Ring Wars, the concept of which began one year ago next week, when we took this show to Nebraska City, Nebraska on our way to Skydome in Toronto. SR: The world's a-changin', buddy. Go big or go home, y'all. TD: So, please join Dave and Larry and Becky tomorrow night for the War Room...then Larry and his weekly guest on Friday as they "Countdown to Saturday Night" and then join us, as always, for the finest two hours of weekly live wrestling anywhere in the world -- IIWF Saturday Night! SR: One more show, boys. TD: Indeed, folks -- next week, Steve Roberts and myself will be live from Wembley Stadium, where we will bring you "Inside Ring Wars V"... our final broadcast under our current production team. SR: Who you pickin', Dross? Who you pickin'? TD: Kansas. SR: Absatively. TD: So, for Steve Roberts, for all of us on this stage and here in the Arm Bar tonight, I am Tim Dross and this has been "Inside the IIWF"... Good Night, Everybody! [Bruce Springsteen's "57 Channels and Nothing On" plays as additional highlight clips begin to roll..... Roberts bowling over Dross on the baseball field in Miami... A young Dross as the emcee from an all male strip club... Roberts confronting a young slacker at the Calgary Starbucks who had been taunting Dross....] SR: Look, Skippy. My Daddy used to say, "What are you, Stephanie, retarded?" And that taught me a lesson I've never forgotten...you know what that taught me?? [The young man shrugs, snickering.] SR: Not a goddamn thing. [Roberts DDT's the young man on the floor...cut to Roberts DDT'ing the young Turkish folk singer at the Istanbul International Airport last week.. We see Roberts cowering from what appears to be the ghost of his dead father at the New Orleans voodoo temple... Roberts dressed as "Orgazmo" at the Sundance Film Festival..... Roberts, Dross, Summer and The Smooth singing "Truly" in the Tijuana prison... Roberts, holding the airsick Dross' head in the F-111 fighter jet on the way to Tokyo:] SR: You ungrateful bastards have done this to my buddy Dross! The constant whining -- the endless complaining -- the charges of tax evasion -- of statutory rape -- she said she was 17 for Chrissake! You bastards have reduced what was a proud Dross to a quivering, simpering mass of flatulent jelly! [Cut to a clip of men in rubber suits gyrating around Dross at Bondage A Go-Go... Roberts taking the controls of the Boeing Business Jet as it plunges into the sea... Dross, drunken and retching at West Palm Beach.... And then back to the F-111.] SR: Everyone he's ever cared about has abandoned him. His family dead or crazy. His only true love, Penelope Ann, turning tricks in the Appalachian Mountains orally servicing hundreds of Kurdish oil workers daily. [Cut to Dross from March 18, 1997, sitting alone in a hotel room in Nebraska City while Steve Summer spins in the anchor's chair back in Portland... Dross and Roberts surrounded by members of the Mexican Mafia in the cafeteria at the Leavenworth Penitentiary... Dross and Roberts' greeting each other with a hearty handshake at their first ever show at the Arm Bar.... And finally, back to the F-111.] SR: YOU BASTARDS ARE KILLING MY BUDDY DROSS!! I WILL RIP THE LIPS OFF EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU!! [With the Soundbite snarling, the shot cuts back to the live picutre at the Arm Bar...and with the men on stage in sort of a scrum....moving around the platform....unable to get to the door....the plastic doll "Troy" is tossed atop the group, leading Dross to utter the appropriate:] TD: Good grief. [As the shot and music fade.] +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= I * I * W * F =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-+ | President: Daniel Spreadbury | Vice-President: Gregg Osterhout | | univ0322@sable.ox.ac.uk | ghost@frii.com | | iiwf@sisko.demon.co.uk | | +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- http://www.sisko.demon.co.uk -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=+