________      __ ___                           | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|                           | || | \ v  v / | __|                           |_||_|  \_/\_/  |_|                         __ __       __ _______   __                  |    //_  / | /| //_ /__   / | /__|\__/                  | / //   /  // |//      \ /  //   /  /                  |/|//__ /__//  //_______//__//   /__/                        ___  ___      ___   ________                  |    //__| /__\     /__\  /  //  //|/|                  | / //   //   \    /   \ /  //  // / |                  |/|//   //    /   /    //__//__//    |                  -------------------------------------- H.M.S. Bicep, somewhere in the Indian Ocean Wednesday 11 March 1998 [Tom Jones "Love Boat Theme" plays as we are treated to aerial shots of the H.M.S. Bicep, the IIWF's special chartered "Wrestle Vessel" for the watery voyage from Australia to Africa. It powers it way undauntedly, much like the IIWF itself, through the Indian Ocean. The camera begins to spiral in towards the deck. At this altitude, it is hard to see who the lone occupants of the lido are...but one is wearing loud plaid and the other appears to be naked. Inexpertly we cut to the shipboard scene. Seated in deck chairs is our intrepid duo: Larry Morton and Becky LaRue. Larry is tastelessly dressed in clashing plaids, Zinc Oxide covers his nose and ears in almost tribal fashion. Becky has donned her mirrored Wayfarers, the rest of her sun bronzed body is barely left to the imagination under what appears to be strings of dental floss.] LM: Welcome everyone to the War Room, aboard the IIWF Wrestle Vessel! BL: Fools from all over the world paid $2250 to play shuffleboard with Damien LeStat. LM: Yes, but they were also treated to some of the greatest wrestling on the planet. BL: Moxy Blue against Marty Warnett? LM: [lacking any appropriate reply] Yes. [There are a few awkward moments as Larry fumbles with his brain, trying hard to return to the script. He fails.] LM: I bet you all thought that I'd be seasick. Well I'm not. BL: Apparently you didn't watch that Blue vs. Warnett match. LM: When we left port, I bout a package of Chinese cure all seasickness powder. Quite frankly, I'm surprised this isn't available in the states. [Larry holds up a package of 'Lemon Happy Water Joy' stunningly illustrated with a dragon devouring a maiden.] LM: Speaking of which? Where's Dave Bacon tonight? BL: You know, funny thing about that. When I got to my cabin and unlocked my makeup chest, what do you think I should find in there? LM: Condoms? BL: Under them. LM: I really don't think it's safe for me to explore this topic any longer. Why don't you just tell me? BL: Dave's ticket. Imagine. That must mean poor Dave is stranded in Perth and no company credit card. LM: But we all have a company credit card. BL: No. Somehow that ended up in my luggage too. LM: Becky, our rooms were locked. I don't know how you get away with doing these...oh. I DO know how you get away with doing these things. BL: The universal language, Lar, the universal language. LM: Let's roll the clips. BL: Have some more Lemon Happy Water Joy. [Larry rips open the envelope, powders it into his water and drinks heavily.] ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Josef "the Cavalier" Taduescz vs. El Super Gecko ------------------------------------------------------------------------- It was the IIWF debut of this good looking newcomer. The 6'3", 256 pound "Cavalier" squared off against old hand "El Gecko". The handsome Slav, dressed in red karate tights displayed an impressive arsenal of moves including a running powerslam, snap suplex, and a rather amazing handspring bencao sidekick. But all these were merely set ups as he executed a rolling neckbreaker followed by the "Polish Power" modified fisherman's suplex/front face slam. Despite differing opinions at ringside, the Gecko appeared hurt. RESULT: Taduescz by pinfall LM: Tadu...Tadlesz....aw, forget it. "The Cavalier" shows promise. BL: I've noticed...oh, you can believe that I've noticed. LM: Becky isn't the only one eyeing The Cavalier. Rumour says that a certain fledgling stable has interest in this newcomer. BL: Are you referring to the Cliché'? LM: You mean the "Clique"? BL: I meant what I said. If it ain't got "Bodybag" Brad...it ain't the Horsemen. LM: Becky, has you hair always been purple? BL: Excuse me? LM: Never mind. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Sanguinary" Steve Manning vs. "Nifty" Ned Norton ------------------------------------------------------------------------- The bloody one was not his usual theatrical self this night, the Australians not being keen on letting their emus leave the country. However, this did not stop Mr. Manning from reminding us that he is a wrestler first and a cheap side-show second, unleashing all the arts as taught by the Manning family wrestlers. His assault included a moonsault, a figure four, finally using the DDT set up for the "Brain shock" brainbuster/piledriver. RESULT: Manning by pinfall LM: Steve Manning can be a talented wrestler when he wants to. BL: And he can be a cheap clone of Joe Petrow when he wants to. I almost miss Quigley. LM: Than again, you never saw Quigley's...um...y'know, on TV. BL: If you remember last years grapples: Been there...done that. All I can say is they ought to name a memorial fire-hose after him in the IIWF Hall of Fame. LM: Chicken toster wildwood dictionary? BL: Excuse me? LM: I said, should we roll the next clip? BL: [Concerned even behind the glasses.] Um... right. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- American Dragons vs. Rotundos ------------------------------------------------------------------------- BL: Well, Morton here tried to catch up to Joe and Bob before their match... [The camera cuts to Larry Morton standing outside of a locker room with the words DRAGONS on the door] LM: I'm here to get a few words with... [Suddenly, a voice barks from inside] JI: COME ON, ON YOUR FEET! LET'S GO, DOUBLE TIME! [The door flies open, as Bob Ivey jogs out, jacket on, cowboy hat on his head...and a look of determination on his face] JI: I SAID MOVE IT! JS: I don't think... [Joe Scalercio comes out...being pushed by a man dressed in a white shirt, tan pants...and drill sergeant's hat] JI: WHAT'S A MATTER, SCALERCIO! DON'T LIKE THIS? JS: I never... JI: YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIKE IT, JUST DO IT! NOW MOVE, OR ELSE GIVE ME TWENTY! [Joe turns and runs after Bob Ivey, who is already halfway down the corridor. The drill sergeant turns to Morton] JI: Who the hell are you? LM: Larry Morton... JI: What are you doing back here, son? LM: Just trying to ask the Dragons a few question before their matchup. And who are you? JI: Major Johnathan Ivey, U.S. Army. LM: Why are you here? JI: Simple! Bob here called me and said something about a brawl going on next Saturday, and that he and Joe needed whipped into shape! LM: And you're here to do that? JI: Yes sir! I've been in the U.S. Army for over 25 years, and I know how to motivate men! Now, if you'll excuse me... [Johnathan turns and jogs down the aisle] JI: COME ON, SCALERCIO, MOVE YOUR DAGO ASS! [Cut to the video footage.] This match produced some unexpected results. Under the tutelage of Major Ivey, Joe and Bob worked on their brawling skills, no doubt in preparation for their coming Ring Wars match. Bob was much more physical than normal, resorting to multiple slam combinations on his rotund foe. Joe began the competition using technical moves, but before long slipped into a wrestling hold. This brought out the fury in the Major, who shouted from ringside "YOU CAN'T USE A HOLD IN A BAR FIGHT, SCALERCIO!". Joe tried, but he couldn't fulfil the physical demands placed on him by the Major. Finally, after one rest hold too many, the Major took matters into his own hands. With a shout of "NO! DAMMIT, THIS IS WHAT YOU DO TO HIM!", he jumped into ring and proceeded to beat the hell out of Rotundo #2. The DQ victory by the Rotundos is quite possibly both their first, and the first by a JSSS tag team in the IIWF. RESULT: Rotundos by DQ. LM: It seems to me that the Major may be a minor hindrance. [Larry begins to laugh uncontrollably at his own joke] BL: In other news, the Dragons think that they can get that edge over Ring Wars opponents. Memo to the Dragons: BRENDA HAWKINGS' BOYS DON'T CARE!! Oh, and Brenda, the car's just fine. LM: [Suddenly jolted out of his mirth.] Seagulls, have you ever looked at seagulls before. I mean... really, really... looked at seagulls before? ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jimmy "the Meatman" Steele vs. Bobby B. Goode ------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Meatman entered with a shaved head and bandaged hands from beating the refrigerator van doors last Saturday night. He wasted no time in taking it to the faux-classic rocker, favouring flying shoulder blocks, but also throwing in a gut-wrench suplex, kicks to the mid- section and head butts. His hands appeared tremendously tender, and he did everything possible to avoid using them. It wasn't long before he connected with the "Meathook", strung his opponent ion the ropes for the "Spitfire Grill" and garnished him with the "Smothered in Onions." The coup de grace came when Meatboy brought out the shrink-wrap and Steele rubber stamped U.S.R.D.A. on the fallen Goode. RESULT: Steele by pinfall LM: Yessir, Gaines against Steele. I'm thinking that Gunner has to be up against the wall facing this demented butcher. BL: Sweeney Todd he's not. They make chopped sirloin...chopped beef... even ground buffalo. But Becky gets around and she's never heard anyone serve up Grizzly. LM: Parchment? BL: Whatever. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ike Sampson vs. "To Excess" Rick Williams ------------------------------------------------------------------------- This one began as a classic show of power. Poster-boy Ike resorting to his traditional full nelson and powerslam routine and Williams responding with a surprising vertical neckbreaker and inverted DDT. The match see-sawed, though it was readily apparent that the crowd was on Sampson's side and openly hostile to Williams. The crowd appeared to be the deciding factor as Sampson weaken "To Excess" with a bearhug, then set him up for the "Deep Freeze". That's when things got interesting. Fresh from his on-board shuffle board adventure, "The Demon" Damien LeStat forced his way into the downstairs Lodge, bellowing about "Wrestle Clean." He popped open Mr. Coolie and produced a "Wrestle Clean!" pin with a wicked point on it. Ike spent more time trying to avoid getting stabbed from the outside. So distracted, Williams was able to land the "Ragnarok" belly to back full nelson suplex and bridge. There were resounding boos for both LeStat and Williams. RESULT: Williams by pinfall LM: LeStat is making quite a name for himself as a man to avoid. BL: And Williams isn't quite living up to his promise of when he first arrived. Though I warrant he has enough to beat Marty Warnett. I understand Marty recently got his ass handed to him by two ex fiancé's in a bar. LM: Let us not forget Poster Boy Ike Sampson who will get his measure of revenge at "King of the Mountain" BL: Or "King of the Castle" for you English sorts. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Eddy "Flap" Jacks vs. Edmund Fitzgerald ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fitzgerald seemed like he was more concerned with the Icehawk situation than the Eddy Jacks situation. Jacks, However, was all business, taking it to his opponent from the start relying on his patented chop-chop-European uppercut sequence of blows to keep his opponent dazed in the turnbuckles. Fitzgerald retaliated with a massive gorilla press and spinebuster. But he was no match as Jacks completed a 1-2 punch of the crucifix slam and his "Pancake" finisher for the pin. As soon as the victory was slapped out, Jacks was promptly blindsided by Damien LeStat, who clocked Jacks upside the head with Mr. Coolie. From inside the ice chest he produced a stack of pancakes which he stuffed in Jacks' mouth before sprinting away. RESULT: Eddy Jacks by pinfall. LM: Damien LeStat isn't making many friends for himself at Ring Wars. BL: He's got style. The cooler thing is a little trite. But he knows how to use his tool. Unlike Steve Manning. As Grandma LaRue used to say "A Big rifle doesn't make you a good shooter." LM: What has that got to do with the current situation in Iraq? BL: Nothing. Who was talking about Iraq? LM: Weren't we just..? Now I'm really confused. BL: Perhaps you should take some more Lemon Happy powder. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Richard "Moxy" Blue vs. Marty Warnett ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Things really came unhinged for this one. Moxy came out on deck accompanied by Stone, but was businesslike in the extreme -- almost as stoical as his bodyguard. Marty came out to a big pop, towel slung over his shoulder, and lobbed it at a nearby sun lounger with a grin before hopping into the ring. With Damien Lestat still milling around at ringside, both wrestlers were highly suspicious of the unorthodox individual, wondering what might be next to pop out of Mr. Coolie. Finally, Moxy and Warnett shook hands in a display of sportsmanship, and the match was on. Warnett controlled the early going, using his superior size and mat wrestling technique to ground his high-flying opponent, but Moxy was up to the task, reversing and countering wherever possible, and trying to lure Warnett into taking a risk. Eventually, it happened, as Warnett whipped Moxy into the ropes and put his head down too early, allowing Moxy to hit Marty with a snap DDT. However, Blue was distracted from making the cover by the arrival at ringside of the "Real Deal" Luke Steele, who made his way over to Stone in Moxy's corner and told him to leave ringside with him. Stone looked down at Steele, his expression unchanged, but presumably bemused, and then up at Moxy, who was by now in the corner berating the "Real Deal". Steele hopped up onto the apron, despite the warnings of the official, and Moxy did not hesitate to strike Luke with a hard right-hand. Steele fired back with a hard right of his own, sending Moxy staggering back into the ring, only for him to be caught by the recovering Warnett with a superb standing flying head scissors takedown. Displaying the tenacity for which he is rapidly becoming famed, Moxy kicked out! Meanwhile, Lestat chased Luke Steele away from ringside, and while the official was distracted by the general confusion, one Rick Williams emerged out of the general hubbub on the deck of the H.M.S. Bicep, sneaking to ringside as Warnett prepared to bounce off the ropes for a legdrop -- but as he ran to the ropes, Williams hooked the top rope, pulling it down and sending Marty tumbling to the outside. From there, Williams clobbered Warnett repeatedly with a large, heavy flashlight, the type carried by police officers, before rolling him back into the ring. Now it was Moxy's turn to take charge, and the diminutive high-flyer bounded, a little groggily, to the top rope, measured Warnett... and leaped with a somersault frog splash that connected hard! Moxy covered the semi-conscious Warnett, and Williams held down Warnett's legs out of the referee's field of vision just to be sure. The three count was a formality, and Williams slipped away back into the crowd. RESULT: Richard "Moxy" Blue by pinfall. BL: Ouch. A flashlight over the head. LM: My favourite movie is "Delta Force". BL: Of course it is. Warnett and Williams are headed for a showdown at Ring Wars 5 -- but it continues to be a very strange situation indeed between Richard "Moxy" Blue, Luke Steele and Stone. Now that's one menage a trois I _wouldn't_ want to be a part of. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- "The Intrepid" Ryan Howard vs. Christopher Stonebreaker ------------------------------------------------------------------------- [The camera opens in the back, with Christopher Stonebreaker standing there, with the sledgehammer over one shoulder, and the waterbucket held by a single short rope in the other.] CS: Howard, what is about to happen out in that ring isn't personal. You see, that's something that everyone has tried to drive into my "thick" skull. Around here it's all business, and when you step in the ring, you're going to find out that I will be total business. And you, Steele, had better watch very carefully. Because at Ring Wars, it's not going to be about standing up for what you believe in. Not hiding behind the excuses. It's not blaming everyone else for your mistakes. Yeah, you remember this speech from some time ago, don't you? Only then, then I was trying to get a point across to you about the business of the sport. So tonight you take a look at the business side of Stonebreaker. And after that.... [Chris stops and holds up the waterbucket and takes a long hard look at it before turning to reface the camera.] CS: It's _personal_! [Chris then turns his attention to the darkened entranceway down to the arena floor and steps out of camera view before it changes to the entrance from the arena vantage point. Cut to the action.] This match never happened. Shortly after the introductions, Luke Steele jumped in the ring, downing the referee with a chair shot. While Stonebreaker went for the bucket and sledgehammer he left ringside, Steel laid Howard out with a floating DDT onto the steel chair. Stonebreaker chased Stele out of the ring, brandishing the waterbucket only to discover that Steele had a bucket of his own secreted ringside. Like two gladiators the two swung the buckets at each other. Steele caught Stonebreaker to the head...but received a kidney shot in return. It wasn't long before security pulled the bucket battlers apart, receiving a certain amount of abuse themselves. Stonebreaker was able to break free long enough to land a parting bucket blow, but eventually they were dragged backstage. RESULT: No Contest. BL: Thus setting up the bucket contest at Ring Wars. I won't pick a winner, but I know that Steve Roberts will be plenty happy when it's over. Maybe marketing can sell souvenir teeth after the match. LM: Fifty four forty or Bust! Remember the Alamo! That's a spicy Meatball! BL: Look who's here, IIWF kill-joy VP Osterhout. [The VP enters, his trademark high tops cleverly framing his white pale legs.] GO: Hi Becky, nice, um, eyes you got there. BL: Careful, you remember what happened to Owens' back. GO: What's the matter with him? [He refers to Larry who is chewing the furniture.] BL: He took this sea-sickness powder. It doesn't seem to agree with him. GO: Let me see that... hmmm... LEMON HAPPY WATER JOY! This has been banned in 68 countries, 12 provinces and a number of private municipalities. Larry, I bet you didn't think "Wrestle Clean!" applied to you. Take him to urine testing, boys! [Two burly gents appear out of no where, dragging away Larry] LM: I AM THE LIZARD KING!! GO: At least I know that your spirit is pure, Becky. Reputation has always been important to you. BL: Are you talking to me? GO: And who's the director for this segment? He looks eerily familiar. BL: Yeah, weird. He looks like.... [Becky's words are suddenly cut off as the War Room is replaced with stock footage of Polynesian belly dancers. Credits begin to roll.] +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= I * I * W * F =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-+ | President: Daniel Spreadbury | Vice-President: Gregg Osterhout | | univ0322@sable.ox.ac.uk | ghost@frii.com | | iiwf@sisko.demon.co.uk | | +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- http://www.sisko.demon.co.uk -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=+