________ ______ __ ____ ___ __ . _ ___ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __| / /\ | | || \| \ /\ \ / |\ || / \| | | | || | \ v v / | __| \__ /__\ | | ||__/| |/__\ v | \||| __|-| | |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| \ \| v | \|__/ \| | || \_|| | | __________________________/...hour two...\........|...|.......|....| LIVE! Democratic Republic of Congo, Africa 14 March 1998 [The graphics fade through to an interior shot of the huge open-air stadium deep in the Congo, lined with more than one hundred thousand excited fans. A huge volley of fireworks shoots up into the dark sky, exploding in multicolour high above the stadium. The shot pans down past row upon row of fans waving signs and bedecked in Ring Wars 5 merchandise, finally coming to rest on the well-lit ring in the centre of the floor of the arena, in which stands Tim Dross, clutching a microphone. He waits for the crowd to settle before speaking:] TD: Ladies and gentlemen, the team that will be facing not only the Natural Predators, but Team Sychosys as well in a "7 Tables Of Fear" match at Ring Wars V...the newly crowned IIWF World Tag Team Champions...THE DOWN BOYS!!! [mixed pop as the Down Boys come out, but mostly boos as Awesome T steps out with them. The Down Boys are dressed in very tight jeans and black t-shirts that read "Role Model.", such as the one Awesome T has been wearing the past couple of weeks. Their hair is slicked back and pulled into ponytails, and they sport black sunglasses on their face and the IIWF World Tag Team Championship belts around their waist. T just sports a black baseball cap, baggy jeans, and a red Miami Heat jersey that reads "ASKINS -- 2" on the back. T keeps giving the thumbs up to the crowd, who seem to boo him more. The Down Boys look around anxiously, surveying the crowd] TD: Dan Oliver, Adam Peterson, congratulations on your victory in Nagano, Japan for the IIWF World Tag Team Championship. I don't think anyone believed that the match we were going to see was going to be the scientific masterpiece that it ended up being, especially after your heinous attack on the Natural Predators just one week earlier. AP: Well, actually, I... AT: [interrupting] WHAT THE HELL? AM I NOT HERE? Drossy, you know the rules, you speak to me...I know what's going on with Adam and Dan. ADAM...DANNY! [The Down Boys, who had seemingly been disinterested in the interview anyway, turn to look at T.] AT: Dross here is saying that he doesn't think you two can wrestle. He's _implying_ that you two don't have the skills to carry a good match. IN FACT, I think he's even saying that you two used the attack on the Predators to weaken them for their title defence! [The Down Boys begin to look angry, and stare down Dross] AT: Anyway, Drossy, don't be speakin' bad about the saviours of the IIWF Tag Team division. Christ, it's not like anyone cared when the Predators were champions. Hell, when the Lost, and now, oddly enough, the cannot-be-found Boyz, won the belts, the only team that anyone was paying any attention to was us. The Down Boys. TD: I've been meaning to ask you about that, T...why do you constantly use the term "us" when referring to the Down Boys. To the best of my knowledge, I don't think you wrestle, or at least not here in the IIWF. Let the Boys get their due...give them the credit! AT: Look, fatass, if it weren't for this friggin' knee, Enigma wouldn't have your Cruiserweight championship...I would, if not your World Championship. You think Awesome T can take a "Skullpump"? Let Kowalski get up from a "Tupac Bomb". But anyways, I digress, we are here to talk about a very important event coming up. TD: Ring Wars V, and I know the Down Boys are going to be in for a test... AT: [interrupting] Awesome T is looking to manage another wrestler. [Dross stops and shakes his head at the relative "unimportance" of T's event compared to Ring Wars. The Down Boys, on the other hand, whip their heads around at the words said by T, and now look at him in curiosity.] TD: Your Down Boys have their first title defence against Team Sychosys AND the Natural Predators, it's a "Seven Tables Of Fear" match, the same match that almost one year ago almost ended the careers of two of the IIWF's biggest superstars on its way to winning the Match Of The Year for 1997, and you're talking about managing _another_ wrestler? AT: You know something, Drossy? You catch on quick. Have a cookie. Now, it is true, Awesome T _is_ looking to manage another wrestler...and I have a few in mind. I've been sitting ringside, watching the action this week, looking to see if that special someone pops out, and you know that if I'm managing his career... nothing but the best awaits him. Bye bye, Dross... we go now. ["Down Boys" cuts in again, as T steps through the ropes, followed by the Down Boys, who are asking T a bunch of questions as he walks back up the aisle. Tim Dross ducks back out of the ring and the shot cuts back to the broadcast table at ringside as Dross rejoins Steve Roberts.] TD: Welcome back to the second hour of tonight's special "Rumble in the Jungle" broadcast of IIWF Saturday Night! It's already been an incredible night of action -- and things are only going to get hotter in the next sixty minutes! We'll see many more of the men who will be wrestling one another next Saturday night at Ring Wars 5 in the ring together tonight. We'll see Gunnar "Grizzly" Gaines and Jimmy "the Meatman" Steele tag together against Christopher Stonebreaker and the "Real Deal" Luke Steele... two teams consisting of men who will be facing their partners in just seven days in Wembley Stadium! We'll see Duncan Macbeth and Timothy N. Turner tag together against their respective Ring Wars 5 opponents, "The Savior" Simon Lebec and Andrew Macbeth. We'll see Team Sychosys and the Prophets of Rage duke it out in a Congo Death Match -- and capping it all off, four of the men involved in the biggest matches next Saturday night will square off in the ring! Steve Kowalski and Mad Dog Watkins will team to face Serge Annis and Mad Dog Watkins! All that still to come here tonight! So without any further ado, let's get down to the ring and the indefatigable Sparkplug Lee! SR: In-de-what-able? ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v v / | __| Christopher Stonebreaker & Luke Steele vs. |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| Gunnar "Grizzly" Gaines & Jimmy "Meatman" Steele ....................................................................... WRITER: Jason Lake w/ U2 SL: The following contest is scheduled for one fall! Coming the aisle, at a combined weight of 570lbs... Christopher Stonebreaker and "The Real Deal" Luuuke STEEE-uhll!! [A medium-hot heel pop as Stonebreaker emerges through the doorway, swinging a water bucket with his left arm while carrying his sledgehammer in the right. He takes a few steps toward the ring, then turns around, seeing that his tag team partner is about twenty feet behind him. Luke Steele is being accompanied by Moxy Blue's seven-foot bodyguard, Stone. Steele keeps his eyes fixed firmly on the water bucket, while Stonebreaker is looking behind him every few steps to make sure he isn't being ambushed.] TD: Look at this! It seems that Luke Steele has persuaded Stone to join forces with him! SR: Let me get this straight, Dross -- in one match, we've got Steele, Steele, Stone, Stonebreaker and Gaines. TD: On the nose, Soundbite. SR: Two pair. TD: Huh? SR: Poker? Damn near killed 'er. TD: What? SR: Well, at least it beats the hell out of four Doinks. TD: I'm lost. Back to the ring! SL: And their opponents... at a combined weight of 631 lbs... Gunnar "Grizzly" Gaines and Jimmy "The Meeeeeatman" STEEEEE-uhlll!!! [Solid face pop for the grizzled veteran and the Meatman, whose presence brings crowds to their feet even in the centre of Africa. Both men charge straight down to the ring and begin to lay in to their opponents.] TD: Referee Tim Chenier has his hands full with this one. Right away, both teams are throwing the leather, but it looks like Gaines and The Man They Call Meat are getting the upper hand. SR: I got the upper hand once, Dross. TD: Oh? And how did that turn out? SR: Best weekend of my life. [Gaines and Meatman manage to clothesline both Steele and Stonebreaker over the top rope and to the floor. The crowd pops as both Gaines and Meatman get riled up, but as the two bump into one another in the middle of the ring, a staredown ensues. Each makes a fist, but Gaines seems to stumble a bit in the ring, apparently having a slight dizzy spell. Meatman just stares at him and laughs. Meanwhile, on the floor, Steele and Stonebreaker are ready to go at each other's throats, but Stone steps in between the two and encourages them to work together. Luke Steele rolls in under the bottom rope, while Stonebreaker heads for their corner. Meatman stays in the ring, and Gaines slowly makes his way to their corner, shaking his head to regain focus.] TD: It seems that "Grizzly" is having some trouble out there. SR: Well, of course. It's almost 4:30 in the freakin' A.M., Dross. Even the Black Jesus feels a little fatigued once 3 o'clock rolls around. If Spreads thinks we were all going to stick to our normal time zone routines and avoid jet lag, he's nuts. Poppa Soundbite has to sample the local nightlife -- "press the flesh", don'tcha know. TD: You have to give credit to the IIWF brass for going that extra distance to bring this card _live_ to the people back in North America in prime time. SR: Screw that, Dross. If people back there were willing to stay up overnight during the Olympics to watch Nordic Combined Parcheesi, they sure as hell would have stayed up for the Double I. [The two Steeles go toe-to-toe for a while. Luke bounces off the ropes and charges at Jimmy, but cannot budge him. Luke bounces off from another side and puts his shoulder into the Meatman again... no dice. Luke tries a third time, but Jimmy drops to the mat, forcing Luke to leap over. On the rebound, Jimmy goes for a hip toss, Luke blocks it, tries a reverse, but Meatman blocks and nails "The Real Deal" with a hard clothesline. Solid pop. But Luke bounces right back up, kicks Jimmy in the back of the knee, then goes upstairs with an uppercut and knocks Jimmy down with a flying burrito.] TD: These two went at it last month, and it looks like there's plenty of bad blood still brewing. [Meatman gets up, groggy, and Luke Steele connects with a suplex and a legdrop. Stonebreaker reaches out for the tag, but Steele appears to ignore it, talking to the crowd instead. Meatman tries to crawl over to tag Gaines, but Luke sees this and stops him.] TD: Luke Steele either didn't see the tag, or didn't want to see it. Stonebreaker doesn't seem too pleased. SR: Forget him, Dross... look at Gaines. He looks like he's ready to pass out. [Beads of sweat are forming on Gaines's brow as he appears to be turning pale green.] SR: I know how he feels, Dross. Once, during one of those stupid-ass Internet chats they make us do, I was surfing the net looking for naked pictures of Janet Jackson, and I saw one of Tito by mistake. I had to go drive the porcelain bus, Dross-man. TD: I sympathise. [Meatman starts to turn the tide, connecting with a series of clotheslines, a flying powerslam, and a shoulderbreaker. Meatman goes to his corner, looks at Gaines, smiles, and holds his hand out for the tag. Gaines seems to be distracted by his own illness to notice. Meatman just laughs at him. On the other end, Stonebreaker is calling for the hot tag, but Luke just stares at him, then gives him the finger.] TD: We apologise for that, folks. SR: Why? Steele was just telling Stonebreaker that he's "#1". [While Stonebreaker fumes, Luke catches Meatman as he turns around with a wicked groin shot. The crowd winces as the Meatman doubles over, and the referee admonishes Steele. With the advantage, Steele is able to deliver a series of kicks and an elbowdrop, then ties up the Meatman in an abdominal stretch.] SR: Grab the ropes! Grab the ropes! The ref won't see it! [Luke Steele stares at Roberts and tries to suppress his laughter.] SR: And quit laughing! [Steele does grab the top rope, applying more pressure to the hold. Referee Tim Chenier checks for a submission, then checks to see if the hold is legal as the crowd starts to point out the infraction. But Steele lets go of the rope before Chenier sees it. Chenier eyes the top rope as it wobbles.] TC: Did you grab the rope? LS: NO! [The ref goes back to check on Meatman, and Luke Steele grabs the rope again. Meatman screams out in pain.] TD: Luke Steele, now, really doing some damage to Meatman's intercostal cartilage. SR: Yessir, nothin' like a good "abdominal-stretch-in-the-ropes" spot. Told ya the ref wouldn't see it. [The ref looks up again, and again, Steele releases the rope. The third time around, however, Tim Chenier sees the infraction, and kicks Steele's arm away from the rope, causing him to lose balance.] TD: Jimmy Steele rolls him up! One... two... two-and-a-half! SR: That ref has no right doing that, Dross! [Meatman regains his senses and Irish whips his opponent directly into the corner where Gaines is slumped over. Upon contact, Gaines just about loses his lunch. The Meatman looks at Gaines for a moment, then slaps him on the hand, in effect making the tag. Gaines looks up, surprised, and stares dumbfounded at Jimmy Steele. Steele, again, bursts out in laughter and holds the ropes open for Gaines to enter the ring. Reluctantly, he does so. Big crowd pop. Luke Steele, meanwhile, gets up off the canvas, turns around, and backs off at first at the sight of the burly woodsman. Quickly, however, Luke Steele realises that Gaines is much less than 100%.] TD: Steele with a series of rights and lefts against the incapacitated Grizzly! SR: Jeez, Dross, maybe Gaines and Tim Turner both spent the night with Captain Morgan. TD: Gunnar Gaines is trying to tag in The Meatman... what's this? [Meatman produces a brown paper bag, presumably picked up from the timekeeper's table. He reaches into the bag, and pulls out a dripping rare hamburger, then eats it dramatically right in front of Gaines's face.] TD: This is sick! Jimmy Steele is obviously _trying_ to make Gaines toss his cookies! SR: That's easy... just make him listen to Alanis Morrisette records all day. Yeesh... [Gaines just barely manages to refrain from vomiting. Over in the other corner, Stonebreaker is literally screaming at Luke Steele for the tag. Steel offers the hand for the tag, then slaps Stonebreaker in the face instead. Enraged, Stonebreaker grabs Steele by the throat and pulls him over the top rope. The two tumble to the floor and start pummeling one another.] SR: Gee, I didn't see _that_ one coming all the way from Lesotho. TD: What's this? The Meatman is signalling to the video truck?! [On the Meatman's cue, a clip starts to roll on the videotron. We see the inside of a butcher shop; Gunnar "Grizzly" Gaines enters and orders some meat. The butcher is large, with a black beard, sunglasses and a tonque.] Butcher: We got a special on flank steak today, sir. Marinated in wood grain alcohol fer the discriminatin' palate. GGG: [confused] Huh? Fine, fine. Gimme ten pounds. [Gains exits. The butcher removes his sunglasses and false beard, revealing himself to be Jimmy "The Meatman" Steele. Steele turns to the camera and gives a mock "Grizzly" grin. Fade.] TD: "Wood grain alcohol"?! SR: Somebody call Oprah! [Gaines, having just seen this clip, is aghast. He starts to shake in a cold sweat, and puts both his hands to his mouth.] SR: THAR SHE BLOWS! [Gunnar stumbles to a neutral corner and vomits all over the canvas. TD & SR: SPEEEEWWW!! Outside of the ring, Stone has grabbed Stonebreaker and is holding him open for Steele to attack. Steele grabs the water bucket, puts it over Stonebreaker's head, then grabs the timekeeper's bell hammer and starts banging on either side of the bucket with it.] TD: Here comes Moxy Blue! [Steele grabs the bucket and takes off as Blue runs to Stone and tries to convince him to rejoin forces. Stone, obviously confused, lets Stonebreaker go and starts to talk with Blue. Luke Steele, spotting an opportunity to strike, climbs into the ring, puts the bucket on his foot, and does a baseball slide dropkick with the bucket right into Moxy Blue's face.] SR: God help us, Timmy, we're stuck in an episode of "Hee Haw". [Steele goes back to the center of the ring and holds the water bucket aloft to the crowd as if it were a title belt. Gaines sees the bucket, clotheslines Luke Steele from behind, grabs the bucket, and vomits into it. All the while, Jimmy Steele is sitting in his corner, laughing so hard that tears are starting to come down his face. But his laughter stops as Gaines stumbles over and vomits on the Meatman.] SR: [copping a bad French accent] Oh, it's only WAH-fer theen! What 'arm could one WAH-fer theen meent do? [Gaines wipes some of the vomit from his mouth, and, apparently all spewed-out, seems to regain some of his colour. He then refocusses on The Meatman and starts levelling some serious kicks into him. Meatman gets up and the two start to trade blows in their corner. Meanwhile, Luke Steele is in the other corner, has Stonebreaker's sledgehammer, and is holding off the combined forces of Stonebreaker, Stone and Moxy Blue. Referee Tim Chenier, himself starting to look a little pale, throws his arms up in the air in resignation and calls for the bell. But the hammer is still on the floor somewhere, so Chenier gets out of the ring, picks the bell up and smashes it down on the table, causing an incredibly loud CLANG that stops everyone dead in his tracks and sends a flurry of birds flapping into the trees. Chenier stares at the camera in a heated rush and yells "I QUIT!" and, laughing insanely, takes off into the Congo night.] TD: Tim Chenier has disappeared! SR: You know, we lose more refs that way... SL: Ummm... ladies and gentlemen, the referee has ruled this bout "no contest"! [As soon as Sparkplug Lee finishes his announcement, Gaines and Meatman resume pounding away at each other, and Luke Steele runs out of the ring and down the aisle, checking his back. However, his progress is abruptly halted as he runs straight into...] TD: Mr. Coolie! Luke Steele just ran face first into Mr. Coolie! SR: Dammit, Dross, how many times do I have to tell you, they're "Immigrant Chinese Railway Workers". TD: Luke Steele seems to have been knocked cold by Damien Lestat. Why would "The Demon" get himself involved? [Lestat just stares down at his fallen foe, then smiles and starts lovingly petting Mr Coolie. Before Stonebreaker, Stone and Blue can get their hands on Luke Steele, though, the Jobber Justice Squad comes out en masse and separates the contingents. The Smooth runs, or rather, lumbers his way into the ring and tries to get in between Meatman and Gaines, but he slips on some vomit and falls flat on his back.] SR: Oh my God! They killed Smooth! YOU BASTARDS!!! [As more JJS members get in the ring to restore some sense of order, Steve Roberts leaps to his feet and attends to his protégé.] TD: Well, folks, we've got bodies everywhere... Blue, Stonebreaker, Stone and Lestat have been escorted to the backstage area...the EMT's are at the side of both Luke Steele _and_ The Smooth, but it looks like they're both starting to regain consciousness... Meatman is just now being led to the back... Gaines looks a little pale again...my goodness, that tainted meat... I just remembered, Gunnar's wife, Cheryl, is pregnant! What if she ate some of that meat?! SR: [putting his headset back on, obviously distraught] Dross... I don't know anything about the potential effects from ingesting bad meat... you might have to ask The Fabulous Ones about that. But look at Smooth! He's barely conscious... he's covered in spew... oh, the humanity! [The Barnacle Brothers are put to work swabbing the ring as the EMT's help a groggy Luke Steele and a groggier Smooth to the backstage area as an uneasy hush has enveloped the early Congo morning. Cut back to the broadcast table at ringside.] TD: What unbelievable scenes here tonight, folks! In just seven days, Gunnar Gaines and the Meatman will clash again in a special Coffin Cooler Match. A huge freezer will be rolled down to ringside, and the match will continue until one man has managed to shut his opponent inside it. SR: Anybody for chilled Grizzly, Dross? TD: It's going to be an incredible match between two of the IIWF's brightest new stars, that's for sure. And don't forget that Luke Steele -- who is certainly having his fair share of problems with Richard "Moxy" Blue right now -- will be squaring off against Christopher Stonebreaker in a Waterbucket Match in another of the highly-anticipated matches at Ring Wars 5! What a weekend of action it's going to be -- and only the IIWF can bring you this spectacular event! Before we get to our next match, we have a special message from the IIWF President himself. [The theme to "Masterpiece Theater" plays as soft lights brighten in an ornate library. IIWF President Daniel Spreadbury, in a red smoking jacket, looks up from his issue of "FourFourTwo" and speaks with a warm smile.] DS: Greetings, IIWF Fans. While you may know the IIWF is famous for the finest wrestling action in the world, some are not aware of the top-flight charity work by our many superstars and staff. [Cut to soft harp-and-violin music and a shot of Simon Lebec unloading a food truck in a Sao Paulo slum.] DS: [voice over] IIWF Charities last year donated over $4 million and thousands of man hours to worldwide causes, such as the IIWF Food Drive... [A shot of the Night Patrol roughing up a street thug on a car hood] DS: ...The IIWF Gang Intervention Program... [Shot of Tazeko Musashi painting a small house] DS: ...The IIWF Homes for Families Fund... [Shot of "Soundbite" Steve Roberts botching a "Bunny-in-the-hat" trick in front of an audience of bedridden children] DS: ...And the IIWF Children's Hospitals in Sheffield, Liverpool, Cleveland and St. Louis, As well as educational efforts, like the Take Down Illiteracy Program with public libraries... [Shot of Steve Kowalski reading to a gaggle of children on a carpeted floor as Marty Warnett uses Wolf and Riding Hood puppets.] DS: And the Simon Bratt Scholarship Fund. [Shot of Joe Petrow mussing the hair of a brainy-looking student. Cut back to Spreadbury in library.] DS: So, the next time you see our stars or programs, think about our work in and out of the ring. Goodnight. [Fade and return to the broadcast table at ringside.] TD: I had no idea you performed magic tricks, Steve Roberts. SR: I don't, Dross. But damn, that charity work pays well. TD: You're incorrigible. SR: In-what-ible? TD: We did that one already, Steve Roberts. Let's get back up to the ring for our next match -- and this one's going to be a real doozy. In seven days, Duncan Macbeth will put his Intercontinental Championship on the line against "The Savior" Simon Lebec in the first-ever Thames Barge match, and Macbeth's friend... SR: Companion, Dross. They like to be called companions. TD: ...Timothy N. Turner will face Duncan's cousin Andrew in a wild Highland Brawl. Tonight, however, Duncan and Turner are teaming up once more, this time to face the most unlikely partnership of Andrew Macbeth and Simon Lebec. Who knows what we're going to see in this one! Let's go over to Sparkplug Lee and find out! ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v v / | __| Duncan Macbeth & Timothy N. Turner vs. |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| Andrew Macbeth & "The Savior" Simon Lebec ....................................................................... WRITER: Chris O'Brien [Sparkplug gives a nod to fan holding up a "LEWINSKY AND THE PACKERS: THEY BOTH BLEW THE BIG ONE!" before putting the mic up to his lips.] SL: Ladies and gentlemen, the following tag team contest is set for one fall! TD: We are about to see long time tag team partners... SR: Companions. They liked to be called companions, Dross. TD: ...go up against a newcomer to the IIWF, who's teaming up with one of the weirdest people in our sport! SL: Introducing first... hailing from Glenfinnan, Scotland and Victoria, British Columbia! Weighing a combined 500 pounds, here are "Rocket Man" Timothy N. Turner and the IIWF Intercontinental Champion, Duncan Macbeth! ["Heilan Laddie" by the Pipes and Drums of the Scottish Guard plays over the PA, as fans stand all over the stadium. To an enormous POP!, Macbeth enters first, clad in white tights and a red tartan kilt. He proudly wears the IIWF Intercontinental belt as he walks to the ring, ignoring the cheering fans] TD: Macbeth not acknowledging the fans here tonight. It seems this young man is going to be ALL business! SR: If he was going to beat up Turner, I'd be psyched, but now... yawn! TD: Yawn? How could you yawn at this? SR: Look, two brothers, a drunk, and a priest. There will be no blood spilled whatsoever, Dross! No juice? The Soundbite's got NEEDS! [Behind Macbeth, a good ten paces, comes Timothy Turner... looking less than healthy. He's in his usual flamboyant costume, but his face sports a two-day growth, and he walks with his eyes to the ground. Flanking him is the NorthPac Coalition, Tom Turner and Akira Saito. Turner is shaking his head as he talks to Akira, who ignores his partner] TD: The Northpac Coalition accompanying their friend to the ring... SR: Brilliant command of the obvious, Dross! What's next? You're going to tell me it's night time? TD: It is... SR: Drop it, Dross. [As Macbeth and Tim get to the ring apron, the NorthPac Coalition climbs over the steel railing, into a pair of reserved seats] TD: I guess I was wrong... SR: ...Nah, too easy. TD: ...the Coalition are only observers here tonight. [Turner walks up the steps first, slowly making his way.... ...the crowd begins to buzz with excitement, as "The Savior" Simon Lebec races to the ring, sans choir, sans partner. [Macbeth turns around to see Lebec inches from his face, screaming at him and pointing to the Intercontinental belt around Macbeth's waist. Macbeth smiles at Lebec and replies softly. Whatever the Scotsman says infuriates Lebec even more] TD: Lebec's not happy as he turns away... OH MY GOD! [Lebec turns...and he grabs a small child from the audience! No more then six, the child screams as Lebec tosses him at Macbeth!] SR: HOT DAMN! TD: Macbeth catches the child and sets him down... LEBEC WITH A KICK! [Macbeth catches Lebec, and smiles as he holds his foot... DEVIL'S PITCHFORK ENZUGARI! Lebec nails Macbeth as Tim Turner watches from the apron] TD: Simon Lebec just laid out Duncan Macbeth! Turner just stares as Lebec lays into him! [Lebec stands up after pounding away on Macbeth... and now he pulls away the padding from ringside! Smiling, Lebec picks up Duncan and puts his head between his legs] TD: Oh no! Lebec's going to piledrive Macbeth on the concrete! SR: I love his mean streak! Love it! [Lebec tries to pick Macbeth up... when his hair is grabbed from behind by his partner, Andrew Macbeth!] SR: Damn! I wanted blood! TD: Andrew Macbeth saves his cousin! [First Duncan, then Simon Lebec are thrown in the ring by the elder Macbeth! Duncan manages to stand in his corner, and Andrew pushes Lebec to his, saying "FIGHT LIKE A MAN, WHA', YA WEE TOSSER!"] SR: I still want to know what exactly a tosser is... TD: Ask Unique Allah. [The referee Dave D'Amato calls for the bell, as Lebec pushes his way past Macbeth. On the other side, Duncan has pulled Turner into the ring. When Tim sees it will not be Andrew he's staring against, he stands a little straighter, and rubs his hands together] TD: We're ready for... [As the two men circle, a cell phone is heard going off near the announcer's booth] TD: What the heck? SR: Sorry, Dross. I forgot to turn it off. Probably Chelsea calling to ask me when I'm coming home! She gets so lonely... TD: Good grief. [In the ring, Lebec and Turner lock up, and the heavier Lebec manages to force Turner down to the ropes, where he whips him off...and catches him with a dropkick! Turner staggers as now Lebec charges and drops him with a clothesline!] SR: Hello? Yeah, this is Steve Roberts... yes, my mailing address is Portland, Oregon... [Turner pulls to his feet as Lebec lands a stiff chop to the throat, causing Turner to gasp and fall back to the ropes again. Lebec grabs him and sends him for another ride...Turner ducks a clothesline, and comes off the opposite ropes with a flying forearm! Flashbulbs pop as Turner gets air on it, and Lebec goes crashing down to the mat! Turner jumps on top of him, and begins choking him!] TD: Turner is strangling Lebec, all the while slamming his head into the canvas! What brutality! SR: Well, who is this... MCI? What do... oh, no. I do not want to switch long distance companies! I'm happy where I am! [D'Amato gets Turner away from Lebec...but as soon as Lebec is to his feet, Turner runs and catches an unsuspecting Lebec with a bulldog! Turner leaps to his feet... but takes a step back as Lebec manages to tag in Andrew Macbeth!] TD: These two men will meet in a Highland Brawl next Sunday, and Turner now looks absolutely petrified! [Tom Turner and Akira Saito have stood to their feet as Andrew Macbeth, very slowly and very deliberately, steps into the ring. Turner takes another step back as Andrew smiles, and then makes a "drinky-drinky" motion with his hands, much to the dismay of Turner] SR: NO! Look, lady... yeah, a nickel a minute on Sundays sounds good, but I'm in the middle of a match here! Can't you call back...limited time offer? It's now or never? [Andrew takes a steps towards Turner, and that's all he needs. Turner turns and bails out of the ring, a look of pure fear on his face. Duncan leaps down from ringside to comfort his friend, who has pressed himself against the steel railing to get as far away from Andrew Macbeth as possible] TD: Look at Turner! He wants nothing to do with Andrew Macbeth! [Duncan helps Turner back up on the apron. Reluctantly, he steps back in, only to make a quick tag to Duncan Macbeth. With a smile on his face, the younger Macbeth steps into the ring, cracking his knuckles. Andrew and Duncan circle around, each one looking for an opening] TD: You have to wonder, are those two men going to pull any punches? Or will this be a fight the IIWF has never seen! SR: No! No! Look, I told you, I don't want to switch! Lady, I am happy with AT&T! I don't care about your rates, just let me be! [The two lock up, and immediately, Andrew gets Duncan in a headlock...and begins throwing punches! Lefts and rights to the head of the young Scotsman, and Andrew lets up, only to drop him with a spinning legsweep! And now, he goes into a Stump Puller! Duncan immediately reaches for the ropes, but those five seconds are agonising for the champ, the pain evident on his face] TD: Andrew lets go...and comes right back in, only to be caught by an elbow! SR: Shut up! I don't care about your low, low, rates! I just want to be left alone! [Duncan is up, and now it's his turn to beat up on his relative, throwing wicked forearms and elbows... and a HUGE bodyslam! In one fluid motion, Duncan goes to the ropes... and misses an elbowdrop! Andrew stands up...but he gets floored by a Duncan clothesline! Duncan grabs Andrew by his hair, pulls him up... and drops him again with a VICIOUS clothesline!] TD: And Duncan is putting the boots to Andrew! Neither man is holding back! SR: Listen to me... I DON'T WANT YOUR RATES! Let me go! TD: Steve, just hang up! SR: I can't Dross...they won't let me! What? NO! I didn't say "Let me!" [In the ring, Duncan has pulled Andrew up by his tights, and throws him into his corner! Lebec tags himself in and charges Duncan! Duncan receives the charge, and both men start brawling like mad! Andrew just watches as Duncan gets the upper hand, and throws Lebec back into his own corner! And now Andrew tags himself in, and he charges Duncan!] TD: Duncan goes for a drop-kick... Andrews stops short, and Duncan catches nothing but air! [Andrew quickly grabs Duncan's legs, as if setting up for a Boston Crab, but instead...he dives through headfirst, snapping Duncan's legs back! Andrew finishes with a forward roll as Duncan holds his stomach] TD: What an incredible move by Andrew Macbeth! SR: Why won't you leave me alone! Please! [Andrew lands a kneedrop right to the head of Duncan... before turning around and screaming 'BOO!' at Tim Turner, who jumps back off the apron, landing on his butt, eyes looking upwards in fear. Tom Turner shakes his head as Andrew turns around... ...to see no Duncan Macbeth. Andrew spins again to see his cousin has snuck behind him...and receives a punch that spins him around...and Duncan catches him with a bulldog!] SR: No... please... okay, I give! I give! TD: Ladies and gentlemen, Steve Roberts has tapped out! [Duncan grabs Andrew, falling down in a Code Red armbar and blatantly grabbing the ropes for leverage. Once again, D'Amato gives the five count and Duncan does let go, as Andrew stands up, holding his shoulder] SR: Yes... switch me over... thank you... goodbye. TD: Steve? You okay? SR: I need a hug, Dross. [The Congo contingent of L'il Soundbiters begin the "Smile, Soundbite, Smile!" chant as Duncan lands a dropkick with to the shoulder of Andrew Macbeth. The elder Macbeth staggers forward into his corner... where Simon Lebec tries to tag in... only to have his partner back off, screaming that he can handle Duncan himself.... ...now, only to stagger into his cousin....] TD: TILT-A-WHIRL SUPLEX! Duncan has planted his cousin! SR: MCI... I have sinned, Dross. TD: Well, Lebec can always forgive you. SR: For my sins, I will burn in hell... and so will that lady. TD: Wrong. YOU will burn in hell, and she will not, for she has been ordained by God himself! SR: ALRIGHT! You saw "Man in the Iron Mask" last night too! I was a man in an iron mask once. TD: Oh, really? And how did it turn out for you, Steve Roberts? SR: Best weekend of my life! TD: Feel better? SR: Oh, YEAH! [In the ring, Andrew Macbeth has managed to pull himself up, and is slugging it out with his cousin. Tim Turner watches from the apron silently, while Lebec screams for a tag from his corner. Both Macbeth ignore him, slugging it out... both men slow... Duncan stops first... AND Andrew spins around... puts Duncan in a full-nelson....] TD: DRAGON SUPLEX!! SR: Don't tell me the Drag-Ons are coming out AGAIN! TD: No, Steve! Full-nelson suplex, and Andrew is on fire! [Indeed, Andrew picks up his cousin... GOURDBUSTER! And Lebec is screaming mad, he's been on the apron for this entire match, he "WANTS THAT TAG, DAMMIT!" Andrew tells him to go to hell] SR: Uh oh, you've made "The Savior" mad... [Andrew turns, to be caught by Duncan with a spinning kick! Andrew staggers....] SR: HEY! What are you... [Lebec has come to the announcers' table, and grabs Steve Roberts' headset!] TD: SIMON! Bring those back! [Andrew is whipped to the ropes by Duncan... AND LEBEC BRINGS THE HEADPHONES UP! Right into the small of the back of Andrew Macbeth! And in the ring, Duncan Macbeth had gone for the Claymore Frankensteiner, but no one was home!] TD: Both men miss! Both men are down! [Lebec screams something about "I THOUGHT IT WAS DUNCAN, MY SON!" before leaping on the apron, clamouring for the tag. A tech hands Steve his headphones back, as Duncan makes his way to the corner...and so does Andrew... Lebec is reaching, while Turner just stares.. Duncan... Andrew... Duncan... Andrew... Duncan...] TD: ANDREW MACBETH MAKES THE TAG! In comes Lebec.... [As Lebec comes in, Andrew Macbeth tries to catch him with a superkick! Lebec sees it coming, grabs the leg... DEVIL'S PITCHFORK on his partner!] TD: HE LAID OUT HIS PARTNER! Simon Lebec has laid out his partner! [Duncan, meanwhile, makes the tag to Timothy N. Turner! Lebec is on the floor now, content to let his partner die, as Duncan drags his cousin to the centre of the ring! Turner looks confused...] DM: PIN 'EM! COME ON! [Turner nods... and climbs up top... TNT ELBOWDROP! Cover: 1 -- 2 -- 3!] TD: And they pull off the win! Timothy Turner and Duncan Macbeth... OH NO! [Duncan turns around...only to see Andrew Macbeth try to get his massive hands around the throat of Timothy Turner! Macbeth steps between them...but "Rocket Man" seems to have gotten some courage, telling the big Scot to bring it on! At ringside, the NorthPac Coalition stands, slight smiles on the face of the two men.] SR: Come on, let the strong guy and the gay guy fight! [Duncan separates the two men... AND IS JUMPED BY SIMON LEBEC! Lebec has in his hands a steel chair, and he swings it like a sword...the narrow part crashing to the already weakened neck of the Intercontinental champion!] TD: Lebec clears the ring... and Duncan Macbeth is down! He has to be hurt! SR: Once again, that grasp of the obvious... [Security surrounds Lebec, who escort him backstage, while he crosses himself and tell the camera he will pray for Macbeth's soul. In the ring, a very uneasy truce has been formed, as Timothy Turner and Andrew Macbeth help Duncan to his feet. Slowly, very slowly, they help the champion from the ring. The NorthPac Coalition leaps over the railing, and they too follow the trio up the runway] TD: Well, what kind of shape will Macbeth be in next Sunday? Lebec has done everything he can to make sure Duncan is not 100%! Macbeth's head has taken some tremendous damage in the past several weeks -- he's suffered from several concussions -- but we know that the brawny Scot is as tough as they come. He'll be in London next Saturday night, but will that be the smartest move? SR: Macbeth sure ain't the sharpest tool in the box, Dross -- but he knows how to fight. If Lebec has a real advantage over Macbeth, it's in the brains department. But it's going to be one heck of a match next Saturday night. TD: Plus, of course, tonight we have seen Timothy N. Turner score a pin over his opponent for next Saturday night's falls count anywhere Highland Brawl, Andrew Macbeth. You can bet that Macbeth will be keen to ensure that doesn't happen again in seven days. Folks, before we get up to the ring for the Congo Death Match, I understand that Serge Annis has a few comments ahead of his appearance in tonight's main event, where he'll be teaming with Shadoe Rage to face Steve Kowalski and Shadoe Rage. [The camera cuts to the backstage area where Serge Annis is shown in his wrestling gear, standing before a mirror wiping a black line of face paint over the hideous scar under his left eye.] SA: Tonight, the road to Ring Wars comes to a near end. The damned shall pay, the weak shall fall and the Epitome of Evil shall rise, with a smile upon his face... and a requiem in his heart. I can hear the melancholy drumbeat now. Soon, very soon... you all shall see, what visions have flashed in my head for fifteen months. [Annis finishes applying a line of red paint under his right eye. Annis turns his icy blue eyes to the camera.] SA: I trust no one... and so it shall be, that the Epitome of Evil's plans, shall soon come to be. And everyone in the locker rooms... shall have one question, and only one answer on their minds. Who is the man now? And the only answer shall be... Serge Annis. [Cut back to the broadcast table at ringside.] TD: Well, Serge Annis clearly has something up his sleeve for tonight's match, Steve Roberts. It's going to be a real slobberknocker. And speaking of slobberknockers, it's time for tonight's wild Congo Death Match! SR: Do the funky gibbon, baby dolls! TD: Whatever you say, Steve Roberts. Team Sychosys are all set to clash with the Prophets of Rage in this brawl, as if things could get any crazier here tonight... so let's get up to Sparkplug Lee for the introductions! ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v v / | __| "FUNKY LIKE A MONKEY WORLD TOUR '98" |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| CONGO DEATH MATCH: Team Sychosys vs. Prophets of Rage ....................................................................... WRITER: Dave Hogg [Cut back up to Sparkplug Lee in the squared circle. He raises the microphone to his lips:] RA: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is a "Team Sychosys Funky Like A Monkey World Tour '98" Match... [Big pop!] RA: ...and it will be contested under Congo Death Rules! In this match, there are no rules! Anything goes! The only way to win is to have both opponents knocked out in the ring for a ten count. Even if only one man makes the count by either standing up or rolling out of the ring, the match continues! [Another huge pop as "Congo" by Genesis kicks in over the PA.] RA: Introducing first, hailing from New England and Tokyo, Japan, at a combined weight of 457lbs, here are "Sychosys" Joe Petrow and "Mr. Majestyk" Maurice McArthur... they are... Team Sychosys! [Huge pop as Petrow and McArthur, still dressed in their military fatigues, and still with faces blacked out, leap over the crowd barriers from the haven of their Sychopaths and into the ring, immediately turning to face the aisle and beckoning for the Prophets to come out and fight!] TD: Team Sychosys eager to get this one started right away, Steve Roberts! In just seven days, Petrow and McArthur will be wrestling in the IIWF's second ever Seven Tables of Fear match, and the IIWF World Tag Team Championships will be at stake. What a match that's going to be! SR: Seven tables, baby dolls. Seven tables means at least seven table spots. The Soundbite's a happy man. RA: And introducing their opponents... hailing from Brooklyn, New York, and Halifax, Nova Scotia, at a combined weight of 563lbs, here are the "Dirt Dog" Unique Allah and Derek Rage... they are the Prophets of Rage! [Big pop as "Snakes" by Ol' Dirty Bastard kicks in over the PA... but the Prophets do not emerge from the back.] TD: Where are the Prophets? SR: Hey, Dross -- look over there, in the crowd! [A spotlight picks out Derek Rage and Unique Allah seated in the crowd, arms folded. Team Sychosys yell at the Prophets to come and fight, but the Prophets simply chant "1... 2... 3!" and then together flip the bird at Team Sychosys! Big pop!] TD: The Prophets are refusing to come in here and wrestle, Steve Roberts! SR: In that case, Crazy Joe will have to take it to them! Whoo-hoo! [The two members of Team Sychosys roll out of the ring and stand in the aisle, beckoning the Prophets out. The fans cheer as Rage and Allah finally stand in their seats and leisurely make their way through the sea of fans towards the aisleside barrier. Huge pop!] TD: There they go! [Indeed, the two teams have finally given up the posturing and started to brawl in the aisleway. 4M is locked up with Derek Rage, with both men throwing wild haymakers, while Joe Petrow and Dirt Dog are doing the same thing a few feet away.] TD: Somehow, Steve Roberts, I don't think this is likely to turn into anything resembling a scientific tag-team encounter. SR: Dross, you say that like it is a bad thing. TD: I believe it is a bad thing, Steve. Is this wrestling? Look what we see in front of us right now. Is Dirt Dog trying to carve out Joe Petrow's eyeball with that spear wrestling? Is a fan slugging Derek Rage to prevent him from suplexing 4M on the concrete floor wrestling? I'm not saying that I want the IIWF to be dominated by drop toe-holds and the odd armbar. But is it too much to ask that the matches take place inside the ring? Is it too much to ask that the winner be the man with the biggest heart, not the biggest foreign object? Do we _really_ think so little of our fans that we think the only way they will watch is if we show them Joe Petrow beating Dirt Dog with a curling broom? Do we, Steve? Do we indeed? SR: Dross? TD: Yes, Steve? SR: How many people are in the arena right now? TD: Over one hundred thousand. SR: Correct. And right now, every last one of them is trying to get down to ringside so that they can hand 4M the set of socket wrenches that he is currently using to try to remove Derek Rage's nose. For one of the first times in the history of the IIWF, the fans are coming alive during a tag-team match. And, dammit, I think it's beautiful. [At this point, Steve gets up to salute the wonderful fans of the IIWF. And almost instantly gets a full glass of beer between the eyes. He sags back into his chair, trying to blink the brew out of his eyes.] SR: You know something, Dross? TD: What's that, Steve? SR: I think you might have a point. We might be encouraging the fans just a bit too much here. [Meanwhile, things haven't changed much between the wrestlers. Derek Rage is still outbrawling 4M, but the Majestyk One is getting a lot of help from the Sycopaths. Instead of just handing Team Sychosys objects, like they have done in the past, they are now bypassing the middle man and smashing the Prophets themselves. While the added help has only been enough to keep McArthur fairly even with Derek Rage, it has allowed Petrow to get a decided edge over DDUA. In fact, at the moment, Sychosys is slamming his old rival's head into one of the light-support towers. After a few slams, Joe seems to have a revelation. He drags the stunned Dirt Dog over to a nearby table and tosses him onto it. He then races back to the scaffolding and starts to climb.] SR: Look at that nut! He's not going to wait until next week to start putting people through tables! TD: But there is no way he can hit this! That table must be 15 feet away from the tower! [Realising the angle problem, Petrow climbs higher and higher until he is well above DDUA and his table. Finally, he takes a last look to judge the angle and launches himself into a swan dive. The dark African night is turned bright with the explosion of thousands of flashbulbs as Petrow flies through the air. For a long moment, it looks like he is going to fall short, but he stretches himself as long as he can, and crashes into the prone Dirt Dog with the most spectacular flying headbutt in IIWF history. Massive amazed pop as the former Cruiserweight champions disappear into a pile of rubble!] TD: My god. My god. SR: [hushed] They might both be dead. Maybe we really have gone too far, Dross. TD: Maybe we have. I only hope it won't take ending the careers of two great talents like this to prove that we have. [The crowd, which has been incredibly loud all night, and even louder since the opening bell of this match, now falls into a hush. The camera zooms in on the pile of wood, metal and limbs. At first, there is no movement. But finally, some of the limbs start to slowly move, and it turns out to be Petrow. He gets to his knees, but is unable to get any further. He looks down at DDUA and says, in a voice barely picked up by the ringside microphone, "I finally beat you, you bastard". He then sinks back onto all fours, and shakes his head, trying to clear it.] TD: For those fans who are newer to the IIWF, let me tell you that Joe Petrow is referring to the first Seven Tables of Fear match, widely considered the most exciting match in IIWF history, if not in the history of wrestling itself. SR: It wasn't, you know. It wasn't even close. TD: So what was? [Before Steve can answer, the stadium erupts into a huge pop. The cameras switch away from Derek and 4M, and pick up a figure making his way to ringside.] TD: It's the Fury! Our World Heavyweight Champion is making his way to ringside. And he's carrying his belt over his shoulder! SR: Dross, he has his belt around his waist. TD: So he does. So what does he have over his should... oh! That's the Enigma's Cruiserweight Title belt, stolen earlier this evening! [As the Fury gets closer and closer to ringside, he starts waving the pilfered belt over his head. Eventually, he makes his way to the scaffolding tower closest to his Furies, and for the second time in the last few minutes, the fans are treated to the sight of a man climbing the light tower.] TD: What in the world is Steve Kowalski doing? SR: Climbing, obviously. TD: But why? SR: Hang in there, Dross. I'm sure we will find out soon. [After the Fury gets about 20 feet off the arena floor, he stops and starts waving to the fans. At that moment, the crowd erupts again, as Takezo Musashi appears in the aisleway. Instantly, the World Champion spots him, gestures towards him with the belt, and then tosses it to the crowd! Huge Pop!] TD: Steve Kowalski has just thrown the Enigma's title belt to the fans! SR: Look! It's belt surfing! That belt might end up back in the jungle pretty soon! [Musashi starts to sprint toward the area where his belt is being passed around, but is quickly interrupted by the form of Shadoe Rage who flies over the railing at the Cruiserweight champion. Somehow, in an almost-impossible display of body control, the Enigma slams on the brakes, grabs Rage's head and uses his momentum to slam him into the far railing. Pop!] TD: How did he do that? How did he even see Shadoe Rage, much less stop and pull off that countermove? SR: It's that Norwegian mind control, Dross. They can do some mighty strange things. TD: Japanese, Steve. He's Japanese. SR: See? He's even fooled you with it. [The Enigma is on Shadoe like lightning, drilling him with vicious kicks to the head and body. But before he can do too much damage, he is sent flying by a Steve Kowalski clothesline. Kowalski then scoops up the much smaller man and drives him into the concrete with a vicious back-suplex variation. Pop!] TD: The Enigma is down! And he's at the mercy of two of the most dangerous men in the IIWF! This could finally be the moment where the IIWF gets its revenge against Takezo Musashi! SR: Don't be too sure, Dross! Here comes the cavalry! [Indeed, before Rage and Kowalski can even think about ways to cripple the Cruiserweight champion, they are attacked by Team Sychosys. For a moment, the element of surprise gives Petrow and 4M the edge, but the tide quickly turns, and TS finds itself being backed up toward ringside. And for just an instant, the cameras pick up the Prophets of Rage -- Derek helping Dirt Dog out of the remains of the table, and keeping a close eye on the brawl in the aisle.] TD: Once again, we see Team Sychosys coming to the aid of the most hated man in the IIWF! But they might have bitten off more than they can chew, Steve Roberts. They've been through a brutal battle with the Prophets, and they are trying to take on a fresh team of Steve Kowalski and Shadoe Rage! SR: Bitten off more than they can chew. Boy, Dross, you really have a way with the words, huh? [The Enigma has regained his feet, but instead of joining in the brawl, he makes his way to the section of stands that house the Furies, and starts screaming for them to return his belt. But before he gets too far, his cries are interrupted by a voice on the public-address system.] VOICE: Musashi! You looking for this? [The crowd parts to reveal Icehawk standing about 20 rows back. He's dressed exactly like he was at the open of the show -- except that he is now wearing the Cruiserweight title belt around his waist. He stares at the Enigma for a long time, then raises the microphone back to his mouth.] IH: Looks pretty good on me, doesn't it? It's a little heavier than the tag-team belt, you know. I'm really going to enjoy wearing it. [Icehawk reaches behind himself, wincing as he twists, and unhooks the belt. Holding it in his left hand, he again raises the mic with his right.] IH: But not yet. I'll wear it when I earn it... when I destroy you next Saturday. [The young Finn then flips the belt back to the fans and melts into the crowd, with Musashi in hot pursuit.] SR: That little punk better hope that... that... what _do_ you call someone from Burkina Faso? TD: They are called Japanese. SR: Really? TD: Yep. It's a very unusual language. SR: Well, then that gay guy better hope that Japanese maniac never catches him. TD: Thank you, Steve. VP Gregg owes me $50 now. [The camera pans back to the ring, showing that Shadoe Rage and Steve Kowalski have now backed TS up against the apron. As that has happened, the fanatical Sychopaths have pushed the crowd barriers forward so that are only a few feet from the ring. The Prophets, sensing the danger of another riot, have taken refuge in the ring, and are looking nervously around. Finally, just as 4M goes down hard from a Shadoe powerbomb, one of the barriers clatters over with a loud CLANG! Instantly, hundreds of rabid Sycopaths charge toward the ring, intent on saving their heroes.] SR: Dross, follow me! We're getting out of here! [The cameras pick up Tim and Steve racing for the back, aided by an IIWF security team. Then the picture careens wildly and goes black as the cameraman is overrun by the rioting Sychopaths. The next shot is from a camera placed well away from the ring, giving the viewers only a very wide view of the mess. After a few seconds with no sound except that of the crowd, another voice comes over the PA.] JP: Stop it! Stop it! Don't ruin everything for us! Go back to your seats! [Instantly, almost frighteningly, the Sycopaths freeze in their tracks at the sound of their leader's voice. That quickly, what was a riot has turned into nothing more than a lot of people standing around. As the JJS and IIWF security forces work to restore order, TS returns to the ring, where the fully-rested Prophets are waiting. But before they have a chance to resume the match, they are dropped from behind -- each taking a steel chair to the skull from Shadoe Rage. At the same time, Steve Kowalski lays out the Prophets with a chair of his own, leaving just two men in the ring. The World Champion grabs a ring microphone and becomes the latest man on the public address system.] SK: Okay, kids, your match is over! Anus... Mad Dog... get out here! It's time for the real show to start! [Pop! The Prophets start to advance back toward the ring, but start when Shadoe waves his chair towards them.] SK: You two don't want any of this! Go back into your little hole, and let the real men wrestle! [Huge, huge pop, accompanied by chants of "Skull-pump! Skull-pump!" The Prophets shrug and walk away, but not after reminding Shadoe that his day is coming. McArthur crawls back to his knees and groggily attempts to get back into the ring, but he is held back by Petrow, who says, "Not yet." Together, the two members of Team Sychosys slip back over the railings and back into the ringside seats with the rest of the Sychopaths, a line of security officials now stationed between that section of the crowd and the ring.] TD: Just listen to this crowd, Steve Roberts! I guess that last match is over... and we're going to head straight into our main event! SR: The Fury is simply the man, Dross. Ain't nobody like the Fury! ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v v / | __| Steve "the Fury" Kowalski & Mad Dog Watkins vs. |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| Serge Annis & "Savage" Shadoe Rage ....................................................................... WRITER: Shawn Kilpatrick [Cut back to the ring, where Steve Kowalski and Shadoe Rage are standing side by side, waiting for the appearance of Serge Annis and Mad Dog Watkins, as all around them, chaos seems to be moments away from breaking out all over the stadium! Extra security men spill into the aisle to try and hold back the surging mass of Sychopaths that are threatening to spill over the crowd barriers and run amok in the ringside area, and the noise of the madly popping crowd is beginning to reach deafening levels!] TD: What an incredible scene this is, Steve Roberts! Kowalski and Rage, two sworn enemies, are just standing there, waiting for Annis and Watkins, while the Sychopaths at ringside are absolutely furious over those two men breaking up Team Sychosys' match with the Prophets! We are dangerously close to a complete lack of control here! SR: Don't forget, Dross, the Bornean menace is somewhere out in that massive crowd, chasing after Icegeek, who stole his title! TD: Absolutely, the _Japanese_ superstar Takezo Musashi and Icehawk are still at large somewhere within the stadium, as "The Enigma" tries to recover the Cruiserweight belt! The Sychopaths are still trying to get past the barricades -- and we don't even have an official at ringside yet for the next match! SR: Look at Sparky, Dross! He doesn't even wanna get in the ring to announce the main event! Looks like he won't have to, either... Serge Annis just stepped into the aisle! [The crowd explodes with a rousing pop as a bright bolt of blueish lightning suddenly forks through the close, muggy air over Kinshasa, and the "Epitome Of Evil" himself, Serge Annis, steps through the curtain, glaring down the length of the aisle at Kowalski and Rage in the ring. The Fury's face twists into a malicious grin, and he beckons to Annis with a "bring it on" gesture. The black-clad Annis begins to advance down the aisle, his hands balling into fists, and his eyes glinting with anger as the crowd's deafening cheers almost drown out the sound of thunderclaps that follow the lightning, threatening to shake the stadium to its foundations.] TD: To top things off tonight, it looks like the weather here is taking a turn for the worse! It's monsoon season here in Western Africa, and the skies could just open up at any moment! SR: I wonder if Osterhout will try to fine Annis for that lightning bolt? He's tried to outlaw just about everything else... TD: Serge Annis is obviously not happy about being called out in this matter. One has to wonder how these events will affect his game plan. [Kowalski and Rage look on as Annis gets about halfway down the aisle, but before he can get any farther, the crowd's cheering incredibly doubles in intensity as Mad Dog Watkins suddenly charges through the curtains, steel chair in hand, and rushes up behind Annis, smashing him right in the back of the head with the chair and sending him sprawling to the concrete! The crowd pops wildly, as more lightning bolts suddenly dance across the sky, momentarily turning night into day in the stadium!] TD: Annis is down! Mad Dog Watkins has just attacked his own partner for this match! This is absolute chaos, Steve Roberts! [Annis scrambles to his feet, more surprised than hurt by the blow, and whirls to see Watkins racing at him again, the chair raised high over his head! At the last moment, the Canadian grabs the chair before Watkins can bring it down on him again, and the two struggle to tear the chair out of the others' grip before Annis finally breaks it up with a kick to Watkins' midsection, followed by a vicious knee lift the snaps Watkins' head back! Pop! Annis is instantly on top of the downed Mad Dog, and begins whaling away at Watkins with hammering lefts and rights.] TD: Are we even going to have a match here? Annis and Watkins seem content to just have at each other in the aisle! SR: Look in the ring, Dross! We got TWO brawls going on now! This is great! [Inside the ring, as Steve Kowalski looks on at the brawling Annis and Watkins with amused satisfaction, he is suddenly blindsided by Shadoe Rage, who hits the ropes and drives a double axe-handle into the small of the Fury's back! Incredible pop! Rage sets upon Kowalski like a wild animal, tearing the IIWF Heavyweight Title belt from the champ's waist as he rolls on the canvas, clutching as his back in agony! Rage takes a couple of moments to parade around Kowalski, holding the glittering belt high as another volley of lightning flashes overhead, then he begins savagely beating Kowalski with the belt, as the crowd's pop is drowned out by a shattering thunderclap!] TD: [static]...is terrible, Steve Roberts! Shadoe Rage has just ambushed Steve "The Fury" Kowalski, and he is brutalising him with the IIWF World Title! SR: This is heavy stuff, Dross! Heavy like the air in this Godforsaken place! I hope you brought your umbrella, 'cause we're gonna get wet real soon! TD: This match will certainly be declared a no-contest, but these four men obviously don't care! They seem bent on absolutely annihilating each other! SR: Ain't it great, buddy? Rumble in the jungle, baby dolls! Whooo! [In the aisle, Watkins counters Annis' fisticuffs with a quick knee lift to the groin, and the Mad Dog scrambles to his feet, pulling Annis up and running him head-first into a steel crowd barrier, sending several security guards toppling over! The camouflaged Sychopaths let out a lusty cheer and strain against the barriers again, and the panicked guards barely have time to get to their feet and hold them back! Meanwhile, Shadoe Rage is still whipping Kowalski with the IIWF World Title, but Rage is suddenly surprised when the Fury bats away a blow, then curls himself up and springs like a cat at Rage, driving his head directly into Rage's chin with a sharp CRACK! Huge pop! Rage hits the canvas hard, and Kowalski yanks him up roughly by an arm and Irish whips Rage towards the ropes, but hangs on and nearly decapitates the Halifax native with a scything short-arm clothesline!] TD: This is madness! We are one week away from Ring Wars 5, and these four men may not even make it if this keeps up! We have no match, no referee, a near-riot on our hands, and no spare security! This is an extremely dangerous situation, Steve Roberts! SR: This is a beautiful thing, Dross buddy! This is what the people want to see! This is just another nail in the coffin for Osterhout's moronic "Wrestle Clean" crap! Look at these people -- they're goin' crazy for this! TD: There's a fair number of these fans who want to be more than spectators, Steve, and they are only adding to an already perilous situation here in the Democratic Republic of Congo! Watkins and Annis are both on their feet again, and Annis is running Watkins towards the ring! [Another huge pop echoes throughout the stadium as Serge Annis runs full-tilt towards the ring, Watkins' head in his hands, and rams the Mad Dog's forehead into one of the steel ring posts! Annis moves to pick Watkins up, but the wily veteran lashes out with a surprise right, catching Annis in the midsection, and shoves Annis into the ring, climbing up the turnbuckles on the outside and leaping off into the ring to catch Annis with a crushing elbow drop!] TD: Finally! We have all four men in the ring! SR: Yeah, but it doesn't matter, Dross! The partners are beating the snot out of each other, and there's no ref! At least they're... [Roberts is cut off as a deafening peal of thunder shakes the broadcast table, and large drops of rain begin spattering down.] SR: Uh-oh. TD: Hopefully this will just calm down, and someone will come to break this up so we'll be able to get out of here! SR: Here comes somebody, Dross! It's Icegeek! And the Sri Lankan is right behind him! Kill him, Enigma! [As the brawl in the ring intensifies, with Annis and Watkins getting mixed up with Kowalski and Rage as they duke it out with each other, Icehawk, still wearing the IIWF Cruiserweight belt around his waist, suddenly emerges out of the crowd at ringside, wincing as he vaults over the crowd barrier, and nimbly skips out of the way just as an enraged Takezo Musashi, wild eyes blazing, leaps out of the crowd right on the heels of the flying Finn! Musashi takes a wild swipe at Icehawk, his hands flexed into talons, but Icehawk dodges the swipe and begins to sprint up the aisle, with Musashi in hot pursuit! The Sychopaths cheer at the sight of the Enigma, and start another surge against the barriers, the beleaguered guards only just barely able to hold them back this time!] TD: This is getting downright scary now, Steve! Those guards won't be able to hold back those fans for much longer, we still have four men trying to kill each other in the ring up there, and it appears that Icehawk has nowhere left to run to! He has already been badly hurt by the Enigma, and in the state Musashi's in now, Icehawk could be in big trouble this time! SR: Don't count on it, Dross. Here comes the friggin' cavalry to spoil the Soundbite's fun... [Icehawk, scrambling for all he's worth, suddenly finds himself face-to-face in the aisle with the Natural Predators and his former Cold Spell partner Edmund Fitzgerald! Incredible pop from the crowd! Fitz grins at his friend, and Icehawk nods his thanks before squeezing through his saviors and sprinting through the curtain and out of the stadium. The huge threesome lumbers down the aisle, as Takezo Musashi stops in his tracks but does not backpedal at the sight of the large group of men bearing down on him, his eyes flashing with disdain and hatred as he stands his ground, glaring.] TD: Icehawk has escaped! And he still has the Cruiserweight belt around his waist! SR: The Filipino's not gonna take that lightly, Dross. This time, he might actually retire Icegeek for good -- but he better not let these monsters get their hands on him first, or else he's done for! TD: Musashi is showing no signs of backing down... Good God! What is he doing? [To the genuine surprise of the Predators and Fitzgerald, Musashi suddenly lets out a blood-curdling cry of "BANZAI!" and launches himself at the three men! Musashi manages to get in a few good shots on the trio as he flails away at them with reckless abandon, but the combined strength of the three quickly overwhelms his element of surprise, and the three men begin mercilessly punching and kicking away at Musashi, who fights back desperately but does not attempt to retreat, and he slowly begins to collapse under the onslaught. Meanwhile, in the ring, Kowalski has manages to kick Shadoe Rage into a corner, and he tries to choke Rage out with a boot on his neck as Watkins drives a knee into Annis' midsection and follows up with a Tiger Driver out of nowhere! Pop! More heavy drops of rain begin to splash on the canvas, as a seemingly non-stop ribbon of lightning snakes across the heavens, followed up by a shattering volley of thunderclaps!] TD: Musashi is in trouble at the hands of those three powerhouses, that vicious four-way brawl in the ring is showing no sign of abating, the crowd is nearly out of control, and it looks like we're going to be soaked to the skin at any moment -- what else can possibly happen? SR: You had to ask, didn't you, Dross? Here come the Down Boys! [As the Predators and Fitzgerald continue to pound on Musashi, another loud pop rises from the Congolese crowd as the IIWF Tag Team champions race down the aisle, their title belts in their hands, and drive the heavy belts into the heads of the Predators from behind! Adam Peterson bludgeons Bear again and again in the head with his belt, while Dan Oliver grabs a chair from ringside and begins swinging it at the Grey Phoenix, while Fitzgerald gathers up Musashi and Shipwreck Slams him into the concrete, then puts the boots to the stunned, defenceless Cruiserweight champ while Bear and Grey Phoenix fight back against the Down Boys behind him, and the brawl in the ring rages on, with Kowalski, Rage, Annis and Watkins still hammering away at one another! The rain begins to pick up, and soon there is a fairly steady shower visible in the stadium's floodlights as the crowd continues to cheer on the mayhem going on throughout the facility.] TD: Oh my goodness... Musashi is being brutalised by Edmund Fitzgerald... the Natural Predators and the Down Boys are brawling up and down the aisle... OH! What a chair shot from Grey Phoenix on Dan Oliver! In the ring... Annis with an Epitomizer chokeslam on Mad Dog Watkins! Shadoe Rage and Steve Kowalski, _still_ trading haymakers... there's just too much action to call, Steve Roberts! Things can't gat any worse than this! SR: They just got worse, Dross! It's the American Dragons! Hell, did _everybody_ get an invite to this dance? TD: Joe Scalercio and Bob Ivey are in the aisle, and they are attacking the Down Boys! We now have a six-man brawl in the aisle, Edmund Fitzgerald is taking apart Takezo Musashi a little further down, and in the ring, the four men who were actually slated to appear in this main event are not slowing down! SR: This is wrestling nirvana, baby dolls! Are you seein' this, Osterhout? "WRESTLE CLEAN" IS DEAD! [As Kowalski, Rage, Annis, and Watkins, continue to hammer away at each other in the ring, down in the aisle, Takezo Musashi is close to unconsciousness as Edmund Fitzgerald, revenge fueling his every act, heaves the Japanese star high over his head and brings him down across his knee with a crushing backbreaker! Behind him, the Down Boys are quickly succumbing to the combined attack of the Natural Predators and the American Dragons, when suddenly, two _more_ men burst through the curtain, and begin going to work on the American Dragons with police nightsticks! Pop! TD: It's the Night Patrol! They are absolutely demolishing the American Dragons with those nightsticks! This has got to stop, Steve Roberts! SR: Hey, they _said_ "Any team, any time", didn't they, Dross? It's their own fault if that tired, overused, trite cliché of a catch-phrase of theirs gets them into trouble. The team is the Night Patrol, and the time is now, morons! Ha! TD: Blazer and Garcia are not holding back -- they are just hammering away at Scalercio and Ivey! Where in the world is the JJS? The security's having too many problems with the crowd and... oh my goodness! OH MY GOODNESS! SR: The Sychopaths have broken loose! Head for the hills, Dross! [The tired, overtaxed line of guards finally fails against one last surge from the large group of Team Sychosys fans at ringside, and the steel barriers give way as dozens of camouflage-clad fans flood into the aisle! The fans immediately flood down the aisle towards the ring area, and begin climbing up the platform on all sides to try to climb into the ring with the four wrestlers, who are still oblivious to all but the destruction of their enemies!] TD: They're trying to get into the ring! SR: They're pissed off at the Fury and Rage for breaking up Joe's match with the Prophets, Dross! They're gonna try to lynch the Fury! Where the hell is the JJS? Smooth, where are ya, buddy? Get your ample ass down here and save the Fury, man! TD: Things have completely broken down here! We're going to have to... oh no... [Dross' voice trails off as one last thunderclap rattles throughout the stadium, and suddenly the sky over the stadium opens up, and a steady deluge of rain begins pouring down from the heavens! Visibility in the stadium slowly gets poorer and poorer as the pounding rain intensifies, and Dross and Roberts, as well as everyone else in the stadium, are soon soaked clear through!] SR: Jesus Marimba! It's raining so hard, it hurts! TD: The amazing thing is that nobody at ringside seems to notice, Steve! We're in the middle of a monsoon, and everybody's still fighting! SR: The Sychopaths are on the apron! They're swarming the ring! Good God, stop this madness! Actually, forget that -- this is great! [The brawl in the ring is suddenly broken up as several Sychopaths dive into the fray and begin flailing away at Kowalski and Rage, although Annis and Watkins also catch a few wayward shots from the enraged fans. However, none of these people are experienced, competent fighters, and the foursome waste little time in swatting the Sychopaths away from them, and they quickly kick the hapless fans out of the ring. The loyal Sychopaths continue to charge the ring though, and the four wrestlers are unable to resume their brawl as the desperately put the boots to the fans as they try again and again to get into the ring to attack Kowalski and Rage! But suddenly, out of the midst of the rabid Sychopaths, two men vault over the wave of humanity and slip into the ring, immediately pounding away at all four men with reckless abandon!] TD: IT'S TEAM SYCHOSYS! Petrow and McArthur are in the ring now! My goodness, will this ever stop? SR: If it doesn't stop soon, we're all gonna drown, Dross! Either that, or we're gonna get electrocuted! Look at the lights up there! [As Petrow and McArthur wade into Kowalski and Rage, with Annis and Watkins turning to each other once again as several more Sychopaths slip into the ring to help out Team Sychosys, sparks begin showering down from the lighting rig over the ring as the pouring rain begins to short out the TV lights! A bank of arc-sodium lights on one side of the stadium begins to flicker, then suddenly explodes in a cascade of sparks and shattering glass and blacks out completely! The crowd begins to panic, and hundreds begin to rush towards the exits as Night Patrol, the Natural Predators, the Down Boys, Fitzgerald, Musashi, Team Sychosys, Kowalski, Rage, Annis, Watkins, and several Sychopaths continue to battle away in the deluge!] TD: This is the most chaotic scene I think we have ever had on IIWF Saturday Night, Steve Roberts! SR: This is the greatest moment of my broadcast career to date, Dross! The Rumble in the Jungle, an ass-kickin' card for the ages, and the end of the hated Wrestle Clean regime all in one night! Hallelujah! TD: AT LAST! It's the Jobber Justice Squad! SR: And that murderer, Ike Sampson! Will he kill again tonight, Dross? And if he does, where will he find a hot dog to eat afterwards, in the middle of the Congo? TD: Hopefully they'll be able to get everybody out of here before... GOOD GRIEF! SR: Now what? [As Sampson leads the charge of the JJS down the aisle, he is suddenly jumped from behind by Derek Mota! As the drenched, frightened fans continue to frantically herd out of the stadium, sparks showering down from every waterlogged light fixture in the building, Mota drives his fists against the back of Sampson's head again and again, his wet, black hair whipping in his eyes with each savage blow he delivers to Sampson's skull!] TD: Derek Mota just blindsided Ike Sampson! And here comes Richard Blue and Stone! They're attacking Mota from behind now! Ike Sampson is out cold! The JJS is in complete disarray, the stadium is emptying almost as fast as it is being flooded in this unbelievable deluge, and the ring and the aisle are now filled with people just brawling out of control! We need the police! We need the Congolese Army! we need SOMEBODY, for goodness' sakes! SR: WRESTLE CLEAN IS DEAD! WRESTLE CLEAN IS DEAD! WRESTLE CLEAN IS DEAD! TD: Please, Steve! Oh my... oh my goodness, now Luke Steele and Christopher Stonebreaker are in the aisle down there! They're going after "Moxy" Blue and Stone! Takezo Musashi is out cold... Sampson is out... the Night Patrol are still beating down the American Dragons... the Predators and the Down Boys are still slugging it out toe-to-toe... the ring is _filled_ with bodies -- I can't even _see_ Steve Kowalski or Joe Petrow from here, I can't see ANYTHING in this torrential downpour! That's it! We've got to get out of here! SR: WRESTLE CLEAN IS DEAD! WRESTLE CLEAN IS DEAD! WRESTLE CLEAN IS DEAAAAAAAD! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! [In the aisle, Steele and Stonebreaker take on the massive Stone together, swinging away at the silent behemoth with haymakers, while Mota grabs a discarded chair nearby and swings away at the pesky Blue, catching him on the side of the head and sending him sprawling! In the ring, Petrow is being double-teamed by Kowalski and Serge Annis, while Rage and Watkins fight off a swarm of Sychopaths. Petrow suddenly slips out of the grasp of Annis, scoops up a frightened 4M, and heaves him at the Fury and Annis, knocking them over like bowling pins! The rain pours down ever harder, and suddenly, above the ring, the entire lighting rig shorts out, exploding in an impressive shower of sparks before cutting out, plunging the stadium into total darkness!] TD: ...are we still on? Are we broadcasting? SR: Dross? You still there, buddy? I can't see a damn thing! TD: I'm right here, Steve, and to our viewers back in North America, if we are still being picked up by our broadcast station, we are out of time, and we are getting out of here right now! We have absolutely no light in this stadium at the moment, it is absolutely raining cats and dogs here as I speak, and about half of the active roster of the IIWF are somewhere out there in the darkness, trying to cripple each other! There's nothing more we can bring you here tonight, but be sure to tune in to this Tuesday's "Inside The IIWF" for all the latest updates on the... well, I'll say it, the sordid events of this evening's show! Don't forget, our next live telecast will be one week from tonight, direct from Wembley Stadium in London, England! Be sure to call your local cable company or satellite provider, and order IIWF Ring Wars 5, just seven days away! Based on what we've seen here tonight in the Dempocratic Republic of Congo, this may be the greatest IIWF pay-per-view event of all time! So, for my broadcast colleague, "Soundbite" Steve Roberts, this is a very wet Tim Dross, saying: so long, everybody! SR: WRESTLE CLEAN IS DEAD! WRESTLE CLEEEEEEAN IS DEAAAAAD! AIN'T LIFE GRAND? [Cut to a rather blurry camera shot of what appears to be several large figures fighting in the aisle of the stadium, although visibility is so poor now that the only thing that can be clearly determined is that the rain is now falling in a seemingly endless deluge. Above the spattering roar of the rain falling on the empty seats of the stadium, and the continuous rolling of the thunder overhead, can be heard the angry bellows and screams of several IIWF superstars, accompanied by the clanging of steel chairs and the cracking sound of bone meeting concrete as the scene eventually fades to black.] +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= I * I * W * F =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-+ | President: Daniel Spreadbury | Vice-President: Gregg Osterhout | | univ0322@sable.ox.ac.uk | ghost@frii.com | | iiwf@sisko.demon.co.uk | | +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- http://www.sisko.demon.co.uk -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=+