[With an electronic whine, the picture abruptly recedes to a single white dot in the centre of the darkened screen. Moments before television repairmen are about to be contacted across the world, the thunderous, bowel-loosening riff of Pantera's "Slaughtered" blasts forth from the speakers at ear-splitting volume, and the dot explodes outwards in a billowing cloud of yellow and red flame.] VO: Saturday, the 21st of March, a day that will forever be remembered in the annals of sports history. A night of action. A night of drama. A night of raw courage and determination. A night of unparalleled athleticism. Intensity like this can only be presented to you by one organisation. One wrestling federation. The explosion of sound and fury that is... [The voice over elevates to a booming echo of divine proportions] ...THE MIGHTY I -- I -- W -- F! ["Slaughtered" fades out, immediately replaced by the heavenly fanfare and choir of Beethoven's "Ode to Joy". The billowing flames disperse to reveal a shot of Shadoe Rage superplexing Steve Kowalski from the top turnbuckles through a ringside table with devastating impact.] VO: For some, it was a night of triumph and glory... [Cut to shot of Simon O'Neal and Paul Wong of the Machines combining to back bodydrop Agito of the Fabulous Ones up over the top rope, winning the top contenders tag team battle royal. Wong and O'Neal exchange high fives as the crowd cheers them on. Cut to shot of Deathbringer and Harlequin Tragedy exchanging rights and lefts atop a fifteen-foot ladder. Deathbringer scooping Tragedy into his mighty arms and brutally plunging him from the top of the ladder down to the canvas with his "Burial" piledriver, the crowd popping in abject shock. Later, Deathbringer doing one of his famous "sit-ups" while Tragedy is laid out, climbing the ladder to snatch his mask from above and holding it aloft in triumph. Cut to shot of a blindfolded Rick Williams executing his "Excessive Force" neckbreaker on an exhausted Marty Warnett, and then pinning him for the 1 -- 2 -- 3.] VO: ...of sweet revenge for the misdeeds perpetrated by mortal foes... [Cut to shot of Gunnar Gaines and Jimmy Steele whacking each other with various slabs of meat around the back of the meat truck. Later, Gaines heaving the Meatman up into the air with his patented clawhold/chokeslam combination and hurling him into the mat with incredible force. Gaines rolling Steele out of the ring and into the meat cooler, slamming the lid shut with triumphant finality. The Gaines clan watching at home, headed by the ancient Ebeneezer Gaines, overcome with emotion. Cut to shot of Serge Annis and Mad Dog Watkins brawling precariously atop of a scaffold erected high above the ring. Annis stunning the crowd by gutwrenching Watkins and hurling him down through a stack of tables at ringside, the shocked pops turning up a notch as Annis himself loses his balance and joins the Mad Dog amidst the wooden wreckage. Annis and Watkins brawling backstage among beer kegs, forklifts, wooden pallets... Finally, the wild action coming to a close when Annis pins Watkins after a double tumble down a flight of stairs.] VO: For some it was a night of new-found brotherhood, of bonds forged in the heat of battle... [Cut to shot of Richard "Moxy" Blue, the towering and impassive Stone at his side, imploring Awesome T, Adam Peterson and Dan Oliver of the Down Boys, as well as Derek Mota and Luke Steele to all put their differences aside and stand together as friends and allies. Moments of tension follow, of heated argument, of pushing and shoving, before finally, the seven men break down and embrace to an enthusiastic reaction from the crowd.] VO: For some, it was a night of shocking upset, of inspiration in the face of crippling adversity... [Cut to shot of the "Enigma" Takezo Musashi and Icehawk brawling at the top of a steel cage, high above the arena floor. Icehawk executing a majestic moonsault from the top of the cage, practically caving Musashi's chest in. Musashi scooping Icehawk up into a belly to back suplex position, fifteen feet up in the air, then dropping and driving him head first into the canvas far below with his patented backdriver suplex. Musashi climbing the cage once again, leaping off with his Starsault Press finisher, spinning three revolutions through the air, careening down towards Icehawk, only to see the young challenger roll out of the way! Moments later, Icehawk climbing the cage, to the utter surprise of all, executing a Starsault Press of his own, spinning through four revolutions... only to see Musashi roll out of the way in turn! Finally, Icehawk struggling to climb over the top of the cage, Musashi grabbing onto his leg, Icehawk kicking him away but losing his balance, plummeting down to the concrete far below to win the match! An exhausted Icehawk being lifted up and carried on the shoulders of his allies: Edmund Fitzgerald and Bear of the Natural Predators, his newly won Cruiserweight gold held high overhead, the fans chanting his name.] VO: For some, it was a night of absolution, of respect and glory finally earned after years of struggle, and a first taste of IIWF championship gold... [Cut to shot of Joe Petrow and "Mr. Majestyk" Maurice McArthur putting on a wrestling "exhibition" in the ring as the Down Boys and the Natural Predators brawl furiously on the outside. Bear chokeslamming Danny Oliver through the first of the seven tables. Petrow incomprehensibly wielding around a stuffed parakeet with deadly effect. Triple M belly to belly suplexing Danny Oliver right over the ropes and onto Grey Phoenix, smashing him through the second table of the match. Petrow executing a Northern Lights suplex on Triple M, sending him crashing into Adam Peterson and yet another table. Bear laying out all four of his opponents, and then powerslamming Oliver through a fourth table to tie the match. Dan Oliver with an awe inspiring, table bearing charge over the top ropes, crashing down into the five other participants, sandwiching them between two obliterated chunks of wood! With all six men laid out, one table left, Marty Warnett rushing down to ringside, dragging Petrow up into the air and planting him through the last wooden face with a devestating powerbomb. Warnett dragging Grey Phoenix over Petrow and the wooden remnants, Dave D'Amato signalling for the bell and declaring the Natural Predators the new champions to a deafening chorus of jeers. Daniel Spreadbury heading down the aisle, the jobber justice squad bearing the veteran "Bulldog Brown" table in his wake, overturning the referee's decision and ordering the match to continue! Finally, the factions of 4-D and the Discordiacs brawling in discontent, Majestic Maurice McArthur catapulting himself over the top rope and into the back of Bear, sending the big man crashing through the face of Bulldog Brown to win the match! Joe Petrow coming around from the powerbomb, overcome with the joy and disbelief of his partner's title winning effort. Team Sychosys brandishing their championship gold aloft in triumph!] VO: And a champion's reign consolidated amid the most reckless danger. The best wrestler in the world at the peak of his abilities against a frightfully intense foe... [Cut to shot of Steve Kowalski and Shadoe Rage facing off in the centre of the ring, the Fury catching a roll of quarters thrown through the air by Steve Roberts and busting his challenger right in the chops with it! Rage plucking a flying Steve Kowalski out of the air and smashing him through a ringside table. Steve Kowalski hurling Rage into the mat to a tremendous flash and explosion, the first concussion mine blasting off with incredible impact. Steve Kowalski backflipping off the top turnbuckle, curled up into a moonsault position, Rage rolling aside as the lights go out in the arena, a brilliant flash illuminating all quarters as the champion careens into the mat and another concussion mine. Shadoe Rage, wracked with pain, clawing Kowalski's face and then driving him head first into the canvas with his Hammer of God slam. Subsequently, Rage going for the pinfall, only to be foiled by the arena lights going out once again. Steve Kowalski, gritting his teeth with the strain, hooking Rage's arms, rocking backwards, and blasting him directly into a concussion mine explosion with his Skullpump piledriver! Chants of "Skull -- Pump!" echo in refrain as the screen splits in half, one side showing a bloodied Kowalski holding his world championship aloft in triumph, the other half showing a beaten but unbowed Shadoe Rage receiving the "Black Jesus" accolade from Steve Roberts. Freeze frame into monochrome on the split screen as the triumphant strains of "Ode to Joy" fade out, only to be replaced by the slow, satanic intro to "Psalm 69" by Ministry, thick and heavy with ominous portent. The voice over takes on a grave tone.] VO: But beneath the scenes of glitz and glamour, beneath the glorious spectacle of triumph, there lies a dark side. Wreathed in shadows, the IIWF hurtles towards an uncertain destiny. For on March 21, the evil that dwells in the underground, lurking in the hearts of every man, came out to play... [Montage of the bloodied faces of several IIWF superstars: Duncan Macbeth, Mad Dog Watkins, Steve Kowalski, Takezo Musashi...] VO: A man who represented the apotheosis of athletic sportsmanship and clean living, the face of the "Wrestle Clean" campaign, now fallen into disgrace... [Cut to shot of Vice-President Gregg Osterhout, his face grave, holding aloft a urine sample in the centre of the ring...] GO: I have come to tell you that there is a problem with this! This sample contains heavy amounts of... steroids! This sample belongs to none other than... IKE SAMPSON! [Gasps of shock and horror echo from the crowd as the shot cuts to never before seen footage of Ike Sampson, hunched up in a darkened locker room, his face buried deep in his hands... whether with the shame of guilt, or the grief of the wrongly accused, none can yet say.] VO: Opposing factions going to war. Gang on gang, man on man, with little respect for tradition or the rules of fair play... [Cut to footage of The Fabulous Ones and the Machines going at it hammer and tongs across various portions of the Wembley Stadium. Sho Satsuma viciously smashing Paul Wong's head against a metal pipe in a boiler room. Paul catching Agito with a hefty whack across the shoulder blades with a piece of lead piping. Cut to footage of Duncan Macbeth standing between Timothy N Turner and Andrew Macbeth, holding their hands aloft in victory. Shocked gasps from the crowd as the two burly Scotsmen abruptly whip around and double clothesline Turner down to the concrete floor. The Macbeth brothers stomping away on their former friend, before lifting him up and smashing him into the hard steel of the entrance ramp with their patented Celtic Cross spinebuster/cross body combination. Cut to footage of Luke Steele pasting the steel bucket adorned Christopher Stonebreaker across the head with a steel chair, repeatedly whacking him until the crimson flows. Cut to footage of the Discordiacs -- Derek Mota, Richard Blue, Luke Steele, Awesome T and the Down Boys -- engaged in a furious ringside brawl with the members of 4-D -- the Natural Predators, Josef Tadeuscz, Edmund Fitzgerald, Kuyler Greyson and Marty Warnett -- during the aftermath of the Seven Tables of Fear match. A score of security guards struggle to break up the melee with little success, as table legs and chairs are brandished across the breadth of ringside.] VO: Demonic villains pushing their own agenda of chaos; to them, a crippled opponent is as good as a victory... [Cut to footage of the "Enigma" Takezo Musashi, attired in his red pentacle "chaos" garb, heading down the aisle, the camera closing in on the expression of psychotic intensity in his eyes. Musashi fastening an STF on Icehawk across the steel ring post, pushing the young challenger's injured spine to the very limit of its breaking point. Later, the forces of 4D, along with the wheel chair bound Magnificient Carlitos, VP Osterhout and the American Dragons surrounding the steel cage, waiting for Musashi to come out. The Enigma stares wildly around himself like a trapped animal, before emitting a demonic war cry, the cage erupting in flames. When the smoke clears, to the astonishment of all witnesses, Musashi has disappeared.] VO: And a match where sheer terror and extreme physical danger went beyond the mere boundaries of "hardcore", and into realms where all concerned -- the officials, the fans, the wrestlers themselves -- would soon regret that it ever took place. [Cut to footage of Duncan Macbeth and Simon Lebec furiously brawling while struggling to maintain their footing on the barge drifting on the centre of the river Thames. Lebec pulling an eight foot lighting rig free and smashing it over Macbeth's head, leaving crackling electrical cables dangling in the night air. Lebec smacking Macbeth around with a metal boat hook and pole, only to miss and smash it in half upon the deck. Both men wielding a separate half of the pole, whacking each other off their feet. Lebec back bodydropping Macbeth over the side of the barge, Macbeth luckily landing in a safety boat. Macbeth wrapping an anchor chain around Lebec's neck and attempting to hurl the heavy metal weight overboard, only to be struck over the head with a steel gas cylinder. Lebec lighting a cigarette and tossing it to the deck... the camera panning out as the barge bursts into flames. However, the two men keep brawling... brawling... striving for control in the cabin as the barge careens forward and into the nearest bank at high speed, breaking asunder amid fire and water. The screen goes blank and the music stops dead.] VO: The earthquake of violence is over, but only now are the aftershocks of Ring Wars V being felt across the IIWF... Hear all about it tonight on the only report show that matters. Hear all about it tonight on... . ___. __ ____ __ ________ ______ ||\ |/ | || | | || | || |\ \ /\ / /| __| || \|\__ | __||__ | |_||__ | || | \ v v / | __| || | \|/ || | | || |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| ||______/|\__||__ | | ||_________________________ with Tim Dross and "Soundbite" Steve Roberts Tuesday 7 April 1998 ................................................... [Officially the most unstoppable funk riff of all time, James Brown's "Funky Side of Town", shakes the house down as the logo fades into insignificance, leaving behind a sparse, neatly furnished sports commentary style desk, plushly decorated in the IIWF's standard blue and gold. Behind the desk sit the now near immortal duo of Tim Dross, immaculately attired in his dark navy blue suit and dickie bow tie, and "Soundbite" Steve Roberts, who taps out the funky Brown beat on his partner's bald dome with his pen. The Soundbite is attired in his usual faded brown leather jacket, over a T-shirt bearing the logo: "When in doubt, Whip it out." The camera closes up on Dross as the music fades out.] TD: Welcome everybody, to the very first edition of the all new, not quite improved, weekly review of all the action, all the drama, all the headlines, all the stuff that matters most in the world of sports... Inside the IIWF! And boy, what an incredible amount of coverage we've got in store for you today in the wake of Ring Wars 5, so let's get down to business. I'm Tim Dross, and this is my broadcast colleague... [Dross takes a deep breath] ...the man whose name is spoken with bated breath across the seven known universes, the official mascot of the Mount Blanc Catholic Boarding School for Girls, the pilot of the very first manned flight to Jupiter, Bolivia's current economics and trade diplomat to Egypt, THE icon of the wrestling business... The one... The only... "Soundbite" Steve Roberts! [Footage is shown of thousands of Indian men attired in robes cheering fervently and embracing each other. Further footage is shown of thousands of British men staging a pitch invasion at Wembley Stadium, throwing their caps in the air for joy. One and a half seconds of footage is shown of the art house movie release "The Adventures of Samantha's Mount of Venus", but that is quickly wrenched from the reel. Finally, the shot cuts back to the official "Inside the IIWF" desk, behind which, Steve Roberts pulls the tab on a can of Mooselips, throws the liquid down his throat with a single gulp, and tosses the crumpled can back over his shoulder.] SR: It almost feels good to be back, Timbo. TD: "Soundbite" Steve Roberts, ladies and gentlemen! How'd you spend your fortnight off, Steve? SR: I overthrew a military junta in Guatamalea, rescued a small village of French maidens from their virginity, drank the entire Coopers Brewery bankrupt over in Australia, engaged a three-legged dog named Cooter in a fist fight down near the ass end of Texas, published a book on existential philosophy, and just about found enough time to fit in a few rounds of lawn bowls. Hell, I was all set not to come back to this hick dump, but 'Spreads waved the seven figures under my nose and it kinda' made it difficult to stay away. How were the corn dogs down at Hoss's place this time of year? TD: Just fine Steve, as fine a crop as we've ever had. Well, what amazing action we witnessed at Ring Wars V, another in the long line of spectacular IIWF pay-per-views, and... SR: Hold on a second there, buddy. There's something I wanna get off my chest before we get under way. There's something in the air here tonight that I just can't shake off... It's a creepy feelin'... I can't quite place it... I just don't quite feel my good ol' Soundbite self. TD: I think I know what you mean, Steve. It must be something to do with the new production team... SR: Oh yeah... Whatever did happen to the bearded guy? TD: Unfortunately, he was arrested and convicted for smuggling rare foreign birds into the country in his beard. And... uh... [Dross chokes up a little] the authorities made him shave it off. [Steve Roberts immediately leaps up as if he had been bitten on the ass, beginning to splutter out his words.] SR: You mean my Phillopino hooker ring has been sprung?! I've gotta get the hell out of here! The FBI will be kicking this door down any second! Help me, Dross! Help me you useless fool! [Steve begins to shake Dross violently by the collar, abject terror stricken all over his face.] TD: [looking somewhat embarrassed] Not those kind of birds, Steve. Real birds. Birds that go cheep cheep. SR: These birds do go cheap! Why it only costs twenty dollars for a blow... TD: No Steve, calm down, I'm talking about tropical birds. The ones with wings and feathers. Parrots. Macaws. Parakeets. You're quite safe. [Realisation dawns on Steve Roberts, and relief visibly colours his face. He lets go of Tim's collar, and slumps back down in his chair.] SR: [nervous laugh] ha -- ha. Just a little joke. If anybody from the FBI happens to be watching, I was just kidding about me being involved in a hooker ring. [flashes a big wink at the camera]. TD: As I was saying... SR: Have you seen our new producer by the way? Strange man. The first glimpse I caught of him, he was hanging around the hallway next to the beer and vodka rider. I said, "Hey, what up with the new show?" and he just said "Good luck fellows" and ran down the hall laughing to himself. Strange man. TD: As I was saying... SR: And what's with this new desk type format? What are we, some kind of freak pencil-pushing accountants? What happened to the good old days when we used to broadcast from airplanes and bondage clubs and voodoo temples and that fine example of a drinking establishment, the Arm Bar, with its pleasant, beery atmosphere? TD: Unfortunately, the Arm Bar was burned down just three days ago by a fanatic wrestling fan and failed wrestling promoter going by the name of Mark [BLEEP] who, driven mad by the incredible success of the IIWF and the bankruptcy of his own promotion, tried to sabotage us the only way he knew how. I'm told that the proprietor of the Arm Bar will have it open again within three months. Needless to say, the loss of the Arm Bar is unlikely to result in a ratings drop, and the new producer assures us that at this very moment, he is scouting out new and exciting places for us to broadcast from in the near future. Now, can we get on with the show? SR: Hey, I'm waiting on you, ol' buddy! ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v v / | __| REWIND: |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| IIWF Ring Wars 5: Saturday 21 March ....................................................................... - Eddy "Flap" Jacks won the King of the Mountain Progressive Match on a reverse decision. - The Machines defeated the Fabulous Ones, the American Dragons and Night Patrol to become the number one tag team contendors. - Deathbringer defeated Harlequin Tragedy in the Mask Ladder match. - Timothy N Turner and Andrew Macbeth battled to a time limit draw. - Luke Steele defeated Christopher Stonebreaker in a waterbucker match. - Rick Williams defeated Marty Warnett in a blindfold match. - Serge Annis defeated Mad Dog Watkins in a scaffold match. - Gunnar Gaines defeated Jimmy Steele in a coffin cooler match. - Icehawk defeated Takezo Musashi in a steel cage match to win the Cruiserweight title. - Team Sychosys defeated the Natural Predators and the Down Boys in a Seven Tables of Fear match to win the World tag team titles. - Duncan Macbeth and Simon Lebec battled to a no contest in a Thames barge match, causing the Intercontinental title to be held up. - Steve Kowalski defeated Shadoe Rage in a Death In Darkness match to retain the World Heavyweight Championship. TD: Twelve incredible matches, ladies and gentlemen... SR: Except for that one with the Machines and some other guys in it. I'd rather have my testicles slammed in a car door than watch that match again. TD: Twelve incredible matches, ladies and gentlemen, and twelve results that are sure to drastically alter the course of the IIWF in the months to come. We had two shocking title changes, and another title vacated. Joe Petrow, the third ranked wrestler in the world, finally winning his first piece of officially sanctioned IIWF hardware along with his partner "Mr. Majestyk" Maurice McArthur, who, amazingly, scored the winning goal for Team Sychosys. SR: Okay Joe, you've done your bit in the tag team ranks. You've gone against the grain and defied everybody's expectations, now it's time to quit the comedy and get back down to the real business of winning the World's heavyweight championship. You've got the talent, you've got the stamina, you've got the determination, you've got the charisma to carry the company. It's time to sling 4M's disabled ass back into the trash can oblivion of the Jobber Justice Squad and take your rightful place as the king of the mountain. TD: Well, Joe Petrow might not want to follow your suggestion at all, Steve Roberts. Far from doing this for cheap laughs, he genuinely seems intent on leading the IIWF tag team ranks into a new age of prominence, and given the truly surprising blossoming of Maurice McArthur into a fully-fledged superstar, Team Sychosys could hold onto the gold for a very long time. SR: Ha! With contenders like the Natural Predators and the Machines, Elvis Costello and Barbara Streisand could hold onto the gold for a very long time. And I don't buy for one minute this new-found ability 4M just happens to have stumbled upon. Anything he's achieved so far has been the result of luck and Petrow carrying his jobber ass. And let me let you in on a little inside info, "Mr. Majestik"... there's been some rumblings in the locker room among the Jobber Justice Squad, and they ain't too pleased about you getting too big for your boots, acting all high and mighty and hanging with the big boys. When Petrow ditches your pathetic carcass back down to where you belong, life ain't gonna be too rosey for ya. The words "Leavenworth Prison" and "Moxy Blue" immediately spring to mind, catch my drift? TD: And in what could be considered one of the biggest upsets in IIWF history, fresh out of the tag team ranks, fresh off a near career-ending neck and spinal injury, young Icehawk emerged from a steel cage with the red hot and downright deranged Takezo Musashi to win the Cruiserweight title. A truly inspirational victory, and proof that, with enough hard work and dedication, you can overcome almost any kind of adversity. SR: Load of bollocks. Icehawk's spine is like that new Hogan show on TBS, it's just waiting to get the axe. You'll be seeing Icehawk hosting the gay porn awards on Finnish cable from his wheelchair before the month is out, morons. And Takezo Musashi... do you really think that crazy, crazy Manchurian devil couldn't have walked out of that cage with the Cruiserweight title any time he damn well pleased? You saw him in there, he gave up a whole bunch of sure victory avenues just so he could beat up on Icehawk's sorry carcass some more. Takezo Musashi is the savage, ravenous carnivore of the IIWF, ripping chunks of flesh from all the punk kids who stand in his way, and right now, he's got bigger meat to chew on than those lil' jumping beans in the Cruiser division. TD: Several hotly-contested feuds were apparently settled for good at Ring Wars, notably Gunnar Gaines avenging the loss of his miscarried child against the "Meatman" Jimmy Steele... SR: Hold it right there for a minute, slap head. Can you really place responsibility in the hands of the Meat? Can he really be blamed for Gunnar's old lady dropping the sprog? TD: Steve Roberts! This is a very sensitive... SR: I mean, with all that chewin' tobaccy n' wood grain alcohol n' wolfin' mud pie n' bunkhouse brawling going on in the Gaines household, isn't it just conceivable that Mrs. Gaines has insides about as healthy as Nagasaki after the big one? I say the Meat is innocent! The Meat is innocent! Free the Meat! Meat! Meat! Meat! TD: Well, regardless of the Meatman's role in the tragic, tragic loss of Gunnar Gaines' unborn child, the former EWA champion emerged as the hard fought but decisive winner in their hotly contested rivalry, and he's sure to go on to greater heights here in the IIWF. SR: Hey Gaines, why dontcha' just ditch the broad? Back in medieval days, when men were men and crazy ass shit was part of the daily routine, if a wife wasn't delivering the goods, a nobleman had the right to ditch her peasant ass back to the muddy little village she came from and trade her in for a nice little piece of sixteen year old maiden. Be a man, Gaines! Go medieval way! Go medieval way! Yeah! TD: Good grief. Serge Annis also won himself a measure of revenge against Mad Dog Watkins in that Descent into Hell Scaffold match, one of the wildest brawls we've ever seen in this or any other federation. Watkins was the man who cost Serge Annis his big chance at the World title during that chaotic three-way dance against Brody Thunder and Steve Kowalski all those months ago, if you remember. SR: And the old dog was taken out into the parking lot and put down after his Ring Wars match, bless his weary soul. TD: That is simply not true, Steve Roberts. SR: Two shotgun barrels to the head. Blam Blam! That's how my great uncle Jed disposed of the live stock down on his Arkansas farm when they couldn't cut the mustard no more. And that's how they put the Mad Dog out of his gnarled old misery. TD: That is simply not true, Steve Roberts. Mad Dog Watkins has indeed left the IIWF, the extent of his injuries sustained in the scaffold match being such that he requires a long period of recuperation. He will be sorely missed, and I'm sure that all the fans out there will be joining me in hoping that he returns to the IIWF for one last run. SR: Ryan Howard. Gone. Can't say as I miss him. All those pansy-ass sentimental movies he directed like "Parenthood" and "Apollo 13". You won't catch Martin Scorsese putting Forrest Gump in his films. TD: That was RON Howard, Steve. SR: It just goes to show, that geeks can make it in this world. From Richie Cunningham to world famous director of sappy movies. You don't see Arthur Fonzarelli doing much these days, do you? The last I heard of him, he was instructing Richard Dean Anderson how to fiddle with his penknife on some show called Macbeth, or McGovernor or MacDonalds or something... TD: Getting back to Annis and Watkins, I'm told that Annis did not escape from his match unscathed either, and that he is currently suffering from concussion, a broken wrist, and an infected cut on his shoulder. Annis will be talking at length about his injuries and his plans for the future in the IIWF in an exclusive interview next Friday night. I'm also told that he has a big announcement to make that may send shockwaves through the sport of wrestling. SR: He's quitting, Timbo. He's packing his bags and dropping back down to the hick leagues. TD: That remains to be seen. Ring Wars V was headlined with that ultra dangerous, ultra punishing "Death in Darkness" match, and we saw Steve Kowalski affirm his position as one of THE great IIWF champions with his brutal, brutal victory over Shadoe Rage. SR: That Shadoe is one hard-ass, balls out, mean muhfuh, Timbo. He proved he can mix it up with any bad-ass on the planet and still look good. If I was rolling past Crenshaw High with a clip in my nine, he's the psycho killer I'd want riding shotgun, know what I'm sayin'? [starts rapping] "Suddenly I see, some niggaz that I don't like Walked over to em, and said, "Whassup?" The first nigga that I saw, hit em in the jaw Ren started stompin em, and so did E By that time got rushed by security Out the door, but we don't quit Ren said, "Let's start some shit!" I got a shotgun, and here's the plot Takin' niggaz out with a flurry of buckshots Boom boom boom, yeah I was gunnin' And then you look, all you see is niggaz runnin' and fallin' and yellin' and pushin' and screamin' and cussin', I stepped back, and I kept bustin' And then I realised it's time for me to go So I stopped, jumped in the vehicle..." TD: And I think we'll leave that right there, Steve Roberts. Shadoe Rage has indeed metamorphosised into a legitimate singles superstar, a sure favourite in the upcoming Intercontinental title tournament, and a possible future World champion. Most astonishing of all, Steve Roberts, is you bestowing upon him the title of "Black Jesus". SR: Well, let's not start getting too cute n' cuddly on the Rage man. He's a bad guy, but he's not quite badder than Truck Turner or James Brown just yet, and as Steve Kowalski demonstrated in clear, precise, scientific terms at Ring Wars V, there's always gonna be a man out there who's just plain more wrong in the head than yerself, and he ain't gonna be shy in lettin' ya know about it! And listen up closely, because I'm gonna put it all on the line, all on the record, and etch it in stone right now... Steve Kowalski has officially taken J.W. Hardin's place as THE man of ass kickin' righteousness at the top of the Soundbite hierarchy! That's right, baby dolls! I said it! [Footage is shown of an entire old people's home going into heart attacks of shock and outrage. Further footage is shown of a redneck family kicking in their TV set in disgust. Thirty seconds of footage is shown from the underground, cult movie release "The Big Thing That Lurks Beneath the Fig Leaf" but that is quickly wrenched from the reel.] TD: Very strong words from the Soundbite, ladies and gentlemen, and with that, let's kick the show along to our next segment... Names Makin' Headlines! ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v v / | __| NAMES MAKIN' HEADLINES! |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| All the news that matters most ....................................................................... ["Cholly (Funk Gettin' Ready to Roll)" by Funkadelic pumps forth at high volume as the logo rolls across the screen, only to fade out once again as the shot cuts back to Tim Dross and Steve Roberts behind the mics.] ---------------------------------- IKE SAMPSON TESTS STEROID POSITIVE ---------------------------------- TD: A truly shocking, very disappointing scandal was revealed at Ring Wars V, when VP Osterhout announced that a sample of Ike Sampson's urine was found to contain heavy amounts of steroids. Ike Sampson, a man who, despite the flagrant and frequent breaking of rules that is permitted to go unpunished in the IIWF, had always stuck to his principles of honour and fair play, and stood as a shining example of sportsmanship and clean living in a world short of heroes. Now, yet another idol has fallen, and you have to wonder what kind of effect this must be having on all the young children watching IIWF programming. When they witness their heroes breaking the law and spitting in the face of morality like this, what kind of expectations is it giving them for their adult years? Shame on you, Ike Sampson. SR: Gregg Osterhout's "Wrestle Clean" campaign is turning into a complete joke, Dross man. First, he fails to enforce any kind of law and order against guys like Musashi, who wreaks havoc on a weekly basis even when he's not wrestling a match, or against guys like Kowalski and Annis, who continue to wrestle with a complete disregard for the safety of anybody -- themselves and the audience included -- during their matches. Then, the first PPV under his regime becomes the biggest extravaganza of garbage wrestling ever witnessed in the IIWF. Finally, the figurehead of Wrestle Clean is revealed to be nothing more than some crack addled, vein poppin', California speed ball rollin' stoner from hell! TD: I'm not quite sure... SR: Hell, these be great times, huh, Dross? It's just like my tenth grade maths class all over again. "Hey, Steve Roberts, put that cigarette out, this is an algebra class, not a goddamn hash house!"... "Sure thing Mr. Oates"... "Arrggghh! My hand! My hand is on fire! Why you little bastard!" That old Mr. Oates was such a loveable old coot. He'd brand your ass with that bamboo cane until it was red raw, but he never could instil any authority. He just didn't have it in him. You're doing a fine job, Greggy ol' boy, just the kind of man we need to govern a federation of low-life, liquor-crazed, unshaven, sociopathic rascals like the fine chaps we got here in the Double Eye. I'm gettin' all misty-eyed again, Dross, ol' buddy. TD: One man who has benefited from Ike Sampson's fall from grace is IIWF newcomer, Eddy "Flap" Jacks, who now becomes the winner of the King of the Mountain Progressive Match by default. SR: Kinda' a jip there, Dross. This guy comes in last of all, doesn't pin so much as a dime store hooker to the mat, and now he gets a title shot against whomever he damn well pleases! TD: Well, we shouldn't take any credit away from Jacks. The luck of the draw was to play an important role in the format of the bout, and he did put on a tremendous display of raw power and wrestling acumen against the drug-enhanced Ike Sampson. Jacks has selected the new Cruiserweight champ, Icehawk, for his title bout, and you've got think that the young Finlander, as impressive an acrobat as he has proven himself to be, will have his hands full with such a large and powerful opponent. SR: Aw hell, I ain't got nothing against the Flapster. He might have a dumbass nickname and he might not be the brightest moth in the lampshade, but the kid's got size, the kid's got strength, the kid can go far if he works hard in the Double Eye. TD: Time will only tell what is to become of the disgraced Ike Sampson, folks, but let's hope that he's learned from his mistake. -------------------------------------- INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE DECLARED VACANT -------------------------------------- TD: Another shocking development, and one that is sure to have many ambitious athletes in the IIWF all abuzz, is the vacation of our second most prestigious championship, the Intercontinental Title. In that horrifying, out of control, some would say "farce" of a wrestling match, Simon Lebec and Duncan Macbeth battled to a no contest... and almost to the end of their very lives. SR: It's in the wind, Dross man. Civilisation is on the verge of collapse. When you start feedin' Christians to the lions, or when you start putting an Assyrian and a Moor in an arena, naked except for steel gauntlets on their hands with big spikes sticking out of them and tell them to clang away until one of them falls down and doesn't get back up again, it means you're staring point blank at the dawning of the new Dark Ages. I'm down with Henry Miller; I'm lovin' every minute of it. Give me decadence, baby dolls, give me women of low moral fibre and a bunch of grapes dipped in the sweet honey pot of a naked slave's... TD: [interrupting] I really must go on the record here and condemn the IIWF administration for sanctioning such a match, and I pray that the lives of our athletes will never be placed in such danger again. However, the decision to vacate the Intercontinental championship was probably a wise one, given both the sparcity of Duncan Macbeth's title defences, and the complete lack of actual _wrestling_ during the Thames Barge Match. Thankfully, both Simon Lebec and Duncan Macbeth are said to be recovering well from their ordeal, and will be back in action shortly. SR: So who ya got odds on for the new champion? I got a double sawski here says that the Ethiopian trident and net guy is gonna do over the Gaulish gladius and shield guy in the first round. TD: Well, I'm going to pick something of an outside choice to emerge triumphant in this tournament, Steve Roberts. I think Christopher Stonebreaker is the man to finally step out of the shadows and join the elite of the IIWF. He's had plenty of success in the minor leagues, he has a solid scientific repertoire to go along with his brawling abilities, he's got a solid head on his shoulders and a lot of determination. SR: You going loco, Dross ol' buddy? Stonebreaker got his head caved in by "I should be at home, cooking a meal" Luke Steele at Ring Wars V, and you think he's gonna be the next IC champ? He just ain't got the goods, baby dolls, not when he's got my man the Black Jesus to contend with. Shadoe Rage is gonna eat this tournament whole like a wolverine on a barbecue kebab, and there ain't gonna be nothin' left but the paper wrapping when he walks off into the tequila sunrise with IC gold strapped around his waist. Whooooo! -------------------------------- DISCORDIACS FORM, BRAWL WITH 4-D -------------------------------- TD: It was something of a throwback to the old stable-dominated days of the IIWF at Ring Wars V, when a group of former rivals united at the pleadings of Richard "Moxy" Blue. Luke Steele, the Down Boys, and Derek Mota have all joined with Blue and his huge bodyguard Stone under the moniker of the "Discordiacs", hoping to further their success in the IIWF through strength in numbers. SR: It's an old hand played again and again in wrestling, Dross man. Bunch of mid-carders, can't cut the mustard, join together and beat up on a few lone wolves, maybe pick up a title or two, insulate their reign with outside interference. Yawn. It worked with Genesis, it worked with the Horsemen, it didn't work with the Stone Stable. The only team unit that was ever really worth a damn around here was the Syndicate, and that's because you had some real talent in Tiger Claw and Casey James, guided by the managerial genius of Brian Lau, and they kicked ass and raised hell without caring a damn about anybody else other than their own. You see if Poxy Moxy had tried pulling that soap opera stunt on a guy like Tiger Claw? He would've been picking up bits of his teeth off the floor of the Wembley Stadium for weeks afterwards. What surprises me most of all, is that a guy who can really go, a guy with more talent in his gall bladder than in three entire Luke Steeles, a guy like Derek Mota, for example, would band with these losers and misfits and think its gonna further his career. Hell, maybe Mota _is_ washed up. Maybe he can't get by on his trashed up ankle. He ain't done nothin' but pine over Titty N. Turner and MacBean over the past few months, and that leads me to some severe questions about his orientation, if you know what I mean. Listen up Mota, because this is the best piece of advice you'll ever hear in your career. It's time to get tough again. It's time to recapture that young lion's anger and recklessness you had at the start of your career. It's time to ditch the comedy acts and start bustin' punks up again. Raise a little hell. That's what the people wanna see, and that's what's gonna put you back on top of your game. TD: Well, if the Discordiacs hope to become a dominant stable in the mould of Genesis or the Syndicate, they're going to have tough competition in the form of the IIWF's _other_ newest stable, 4-D, and already, the battle lines have been drawn. The Natural Predators and Edmund Fitzgerald seem to have added a harder edge to their wrestling over the past few weeks, taking a hard line against Takezo Musashi and other rulebreakers, and with the recent additions of veteran Marty Warnett to their ranks, they're sure to be tough customers to deal with. SR: Ha! I'd feel more threatened by a bunch of zit-ridden, Marxist College students protesting the expense of higher education by setting fire to their literary theory textbooks than these guys. First up, the Natural Predators have all the charisma necessary to take the place of the Barnacle Brothers in the Jobber Justice Squad when those crusty old sailors are about ready to retire. Beer and Phanny had their fling with pushdom and it was uglier than the festering warts on the backside of Damien Lestat. Second up, Edmund Fitzgerald should just grow a goatee, strap on the pink n' black, get a pot belly and start laughing like a maniac, because his future in the Double Eye holds about as much promise as a Bachelor of Arts in basket weaving. And Marty Warnett? Marty Warnett? Need I start on Marty Warnett? TD: I don't think that will be neces... SR: Here we have a guy who, as much as I hate to admit it, has more than a little talent underneath his pretty boy punk ass exterior, but throws it all away by working about as hard as public service clerk. It's time to put up or shut up, Warnett! Get involved with the action, or get the hell out of the IIWF! TD: And we can look forward to a long and heated rivalry between the forces of 4-D and the Discordiacs over the coming weeks, folks! The guess here, is that their furious brawl at Ring Wars V was only the beginning! -------------------------------------------------- KING OF THE CRUISERS TOURNAMENT BRACKETS ANNOUNCED -------------------------------------------------- TD: In what is sure to provide some of the most spectacular grappling of the year, the IIWF, in association with Super Japan Pro Wrestling, has assembled a stellar field of sixteen incredible light heavyweight wrestlers for the prestigious "King of the Cruisers" tournament. Just look at some of the aerial wizards who will be featured on IIWF programming over the coming weeks: El Hijo De Satanico, the Kabuki Kid, Youth Gone Wild, "Playboy" Ronnie D... SR: And check this out, Dross ol' buddy. Tiger Claw is gonna be in it! Tiger Claw has come back to the IIWF! TD: Yes, indeed. One of the most famous and successful wrestlers in IIWF history, the three time Intercontinental champion, Tiger Claw, has returned to the IIWF to compete in the King of the Cruisers, although this time, he won't have Casey James or Brian Lau at his side, and one wonders how that will affect his performance. SR: Now you know I ain't one to be spreading rumours and hearsay, but I wonder how much you can read into Tiger Claw's return? Insiders have known for a long time that the Syndicate made their departure from the IIWF on less than friendly terms, but that was then, this is now, and money speaks louder than the Bellowing Man of Bolivia... TD: What are you talking about? SR: Well, could Lau and his little band of outlaws have patched up their differences with the boys upstairs? The guy with the beard isn't here any more, Lau has known Osterhout for a long time... Could we see a Syndicate re-emergence in the IIWF? TD: This isn't really the time to begin fruitless speculation, Steve Roberts. Be sure to tune in next Saturday night, when the King of the Cruisers tournament will commence! VOICE: [from off-screen] Are you goddamn spotlight hogs gonna quit yer gibberish and get to my segment already? TD: Yes indeed, I believe it's about that time. Allow me to introduce the newest addition to our "Inside" panel, a man we haven't seen for a long time in the IIWF... a former manager of World tag team champions, he used to go by the nick name, "Big Bucks", but now that his considerable fortune has been sunk in the failed emu farming business down in South Dakota, he's just known as Don McQueen! Here he is, ladies and gentlemen, presneting the very first edition of his new segment, "Straight From the Gutter!" ________ _______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|............................................... | || | \ v v / | __| STRAIGHT FROM THE GUTTER |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| All gossip. All dirt. All the time. .................................................................... ["Funky Dollar Bill" by Funkadelic rocks and raunches across the set as the logo zaps across the screen. Close up on Don McQueen, sitting to the right of Steve Roberts. McQueen is a shifty, devious looking man, attired in a gaudy, glittering sliver jacket that looks like something a bloated rock star would have worn in the mid eighties. His rusty brown hair sticks straight up from the top of his head in a manner similar to a certain infamous boxing promoter, with a thin "Rupert Pupkin" style moustache adorning his upper lip.] DM: Greetings, spud heads! You've had the good sense, or more likely the pure dumb animal luck, to tune in to the only part of this show worth a damn! But you're probably wondering to yourself "What's the deal with Don McQueen's new gig? What's the greatest managerial and business mind of this century got up his sleeve this time?" I'll fill you all in: It's all about TRUTH! OBJECTIVITY! THE RAW GOODS! You sit here and watch this show every week like the unthinking morons you are, buying the crap that comes down the company line, fed to you by these two media puppets sitting by my side, and you never question any of it. You just soak it all in like a single celled sponge life form, and get screwed out of the REAL DEAL every time. I'm sick to my stomach of it all. You SHOULD be getting sick to your stomach of it all, and I'm gonna set matters to rights. There's more to the so-called "superstars" and "heroes" of the IIWF than meets the eye, spud heads, and I'm gonna fill you in on it. I'm the man who's gonna strip this organisation down to its disgusting, dangling, dark, hairy, naked core... I'm gonna tell you the TRUTH, goddammit! You wanna hear about Marty Warnett's string of groupie love children? You wanna hear about Gregg Osterhout being caught doing headstands in the shower wearing nothing but high heels and a pair of Becky LaRue's suspenders? You wanna hear about the drunken Blancmange parties the administration throws at the top of the IIWF Towers every weekend, that you weren't invited to? You wanna hear all the news that they try to cover up and censor? Well, you got it right here, spud heads. Believe me, I'm doing it for your own good! You deserve to know that the truth is out there, and I'm the only guy with guts enough to tell you about it! SR: I thought it had more to do with the fact that you need the meal ticket after investing all your cash in that emu farm scam down in... DM: Goddammit, do you overpaid company parrots have to keep reminding everybody about that? Isn't there something in my contract about keeping quiet on the whole matter? I'm tellin' ya, the Emu was all set to be the next big thing! It was gonna be a piece of livestock more popular than sheep and cattle combined! Can you blame me for throwing a fortune at it? Do you think I like being stuck in this backwater sport again, ranting about the Man of Steel's drug problems to the great mass of unwashed? Goddammit... where was I? TD: Unfortunately, Don McQueen has run out of time for his segment this week, but he's sure to be back next time with a fresh batch of gossip and hearsay for you to digest. DM: What the hell?! I ain't even started yet! TD: Let's take a look at all the great action coming your way next week! ________ _______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v v / | __| FIRST LOOK: |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| IIWF Saturday Night: 11 April 1998 ....................................................................... 1. IIWF Intercontinental Championship Tournament Elimination Battle Royal: "Savage" Shadoe Rage, "Rocket Man" Timothy N. Turner, Christopher Stonebreaker, "Real Deal" Luke Steele, Jimmy "the Meatman" Steele, Ike Sampson, "Vagabond" Chris Staley, Charles Scheffield, Edmund Fitzgerald, Serge Annis, Marty Warnett, Derek Mota, Harlequin Tragedy 2. IIWF Cruiserweight Championship Match: Icehawk [c] vs. Eddy "Flap" Jacks 3. King of the Cruisers Tournament First Round Match: El Hijo del Satanico [CLLL] vs. Tiger Claw [Independent] 4. King of the Cruisers Tournament First Round Match: "Sanguinary" Steve Manning [IIWF] vs. Shawn Harrison [UEW] 5. American Dragons vs. Night Patrol 6. The Benjamins vs. Robert D'Artois & Reiner Ver Magnusson 7. TO BE CONFIRMED 8. IIWF World Tag Team Championship Match: Team Sychosys [c] vs. The Machines [Don McQueen lets out a muffled scream as he is carried away by the all encompassing bulk that is The Smooth.] DM: Goddammit! You won't shut me down next week, you bastards! SR: Strange man. TD: We're rapidly running out of time here, folks, but we've got a great card to kick off the new IIWF season next week. The Intercontinental contenders will be trimmed to their elite during the main event battle royal, the prestigious King of the Cruisers tournament features its first two matches, Team Sychosys take on their number one contenders, the Machines, and Icehawk defends his Cruiserweight title against the formidable super heavyweight, Eddy Jacks! SR: I'm gonna go fetch me some Mooselips and a barbecue sauce Ke-Bab. TD: A quick programming note: look out for a special preview show devoted to the superstars of the "King of the Cruisers" tournament coming up this Thursday night, and of course don't forget to join Larry Morton along with his guest presenter, on Friday for... "Countdown to Saturday Night"! Until then, this is Tim Dross, saying: so long, everybody! ["Make My Funk the P-Funk (I wants to get funked up)" by Parliament pumps out over the credits as Tim Dross shuffles his papers. Steve Roberts kicks back in his chair as six French maids, each carrying a can of Mooselips on a plush, velvet pillow, file onto the set. Fade.] +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= I * I * W * F =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-+ | President: Daniel Spreadbury | Vice-President: Gregg Osterhout | | univ0322@sable.ox.ac.uk | ghost@frii.com | | iiwf@sisko.demon.co.uk | | +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- http://www.sisko.demon.co.uk -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=+