[A still, monochrome shot of Steve "the Fury" Kowalski, the World's heavyweight wrestling champion, fills the screen. Kowalski stands in the centre of the ring, IIWF title strap held high above his head in triumph, blood and sweat from another punishing defence trickling down his forehead. Frenzied chants of "Skull - Pump! Skull - Pump!", the adopted mantra of a whole legion of wrestling fans, increase in volume as the picture slowly draws closer in on the tough man snarl and blaze of triumph expressed on Kowalski's face. But in the eyes, behind the bravado, lies a question mark... It is a glimmer of doubt, perhaps; or the pain of a man with something broken deep inside of himself. A hint of exhaustion rendered by the grind of a gruelling, courageous title defence schedule. The pressure of holding the most prestigious position in all of sports in a desperate grip. The brutal beatings sustained both in the ring and out in the back alley manifesting their wear and tear upon his body. The question mark that says... "How much can one man take? For how much longer?" Abruptly, the towering, ultra high-speed riff of Pantera's "Slaughtered" kicks into overdrive as the still image explodes into flames. Cut to shot of Steve Kowalski executing a pulverising Skullpump piledriver on a bloodied Brody Thunder, laying him out cold on the mat.] VO: Steve "the Fury" Kowalski. A volatile man with a nature that is inherently violent. Driven to the extremes of pro wrestling combat, he is an anti-hero to millions of fans the world over. [Cut to shot of a mass of screaming fans at ringside, proudly displaying their "Steve Kowalski: Number One Asskicker" T-shirts, and waving their "Fury" banners.] VO: A man determined at all costs to prove himself the greatest heavyweight champion of all times. Night after night, week after week, he puts it all on the line against the toughest competition in the world. The stakes are high. The odds are stacked. But the courage and competitive fire that lives in the heart of a champion has thus far served him well... [Cut through a rapid montage of action from Steve Kowalski's title defences. Kowalski hauling the Subway Psycho up and planting him hard into the mat with a Tiger Driver. Executing a belly to back overhead release suplex on Serge Annis, dropping the "Epitome of Evil" straight down on his neck. Leaping off the ring apron with a double axe handle to floor Shadoe Rage on the outside. Unloading with a flurry of punches and kicks on the "Enigma" Takezo Musashi, battering him back towards the corner.] VO: But the unrelenting warfare is beginning to exact its toll upon Steve Kowalski. Pints of his blood and sweat have stained the mats of IIWF rings across the globe. His body has been battered to the breaking point. But perhaps more telling than the physical pain, is the mental exhaustion. The pressure mounts high when you know that every eye in the locker room is upon you. Everybody wants what you have, and they're willing to go to any lengths to steal it away. [Cut to shot of Mad Dog Watkins reversing a Skullpump attempt into a corkscrew tombstone, piledriving Kowalski through a ringside table. Kowalski flinging himself off the top ropes with a moonsault, only to miss Shadoe Rage and crash hard into an exploding concussion mine. Kowalski exhaustedly struggling to pull himself out from underneath a ripped down section of crowd barrier, only to be pulverised by the "Enigma" Takezo Musashi, who comes flying off the top turnbuckle with a senton splash.] VO: Does Kowalski have what it takes to fulfill his quest to become the fightingest IIWF Champion of all time? [Cut to slow motion shot of Kowalski heading down the aisle, a rugged look of determination on his face.] VO: Or has he set himself up for certain destruction? [Rapid cuts through the field of contendors - Serge Annis hurling a huge ball of flame, Takezo Musashi's maniacal stare, Joe Petrow ranting in a frenzy - fill the screen]. VO: The sharks have smelt the blood of the wounded, and their circling draws ever closer. Can Steve Kowalski reach dry land with his prize intact? Or will he be torn to shreds by the bloody ambition of those hungry for the gold? Find out all about it tonight on the only report show that matters. Find out all about it tonight on...          .     ___.     __  ____   __  ________      ______          ||\ |/   |   ||     | | ||    | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|          || \|\__ | __||__   | |_||__  | || | \ v  v / | __|          ||  |   \|/  ||     | | ||    |_||_|  \_/\_/  |_|          ||______/|\__||__   | | ||_________________________                 with Tim Dross and "Soundbite" Steve Roberts                                        Tuesday 14 April 1998          ................................................... ["Chase the Dragon" by the Beasts of Bourbon rumbles along in soundtrack as the logo fades out, revealing the standard blue and gold "Inside the IIWF" set. Tim Dross and Steve "Soundbite" Roberts sit behind a sports panel desk, Dross attired in his usual dark navy blue suit and bow tie, Roberts inexpicably wearing a "Louis the Fourteenth" style get up complete with frilly sleeves and ridiculous hat. The camera closes in on Tim Dross as the music fades out.] TD: Welcome everybody, to another edition of the all new, not quite improved, weekly review of all the action, all the drama, all the headlines, all the stuff that matters most in the world of sports... Inside the IIWF! I'm Tim Dross, and as always, my broadcasting tag team partner... [Dross takes a deep breath] The Monarch of Machismo, the Czar of Zest, the Sovereign of Savoir Faire, the Shooting Shah, the Intergalactic Overlord of the Third Helliocentric Circle... The one, the only... "Soundbite" Steve Roberts! [Footage is shown of thousands of men in Arabian head dresses with their foreheads touching the ground in tribute. Further footage is shown of thousands of ragged children on a pilgramage across the mountains. A brief snatch of footage is shown from the short lived seventies cop show "Groove Squad", and for thirty seconds or so, afros, cadillacs, blonde moustaches and funked up wah-wah guitars dominate the attentions of the world.] SR: I'm here, baby dolls, and I gots more flavour than fruit striped gum. TD: Steve Roberts, ladies and gentlemen! We've got a big exclusive to kick off the show tonight, folks, and believe me, you'll barely be able to wait for next Saturday night after... SR: Hold your horses a minute there, Dross ol' buddy, I gotta little announcement to make of my own. Right now, I'd like to introduce our special guest announcer for this evening... TD: I don't recall anything about a... SR: A true legend in the sport of professional wrestling, a dear personal friend of mine, a hero to up and coming wrestlers the world over... please give a big welcome for... TD: But we don't have a studio audience to welcome anybody with, Steve... SR: The Magnificient Carlitos! [At this announcement, Steve Roberts pulls a lever under his desk. A grinding of machinery rumbles away from somewhere in the bowels of the building, and a tremendous crash is suddenly heard from up above. A stream of plaster and rubble rains down over the "Inside" desk, followed soon by a parachuted figure, which drops straight through the ceiling and down into a spare chair situated at Roberts' right. Billows of parachute cloth settle in the background. Canned applause emits at ear-splitting volume as Dross looks on with exasperation at the parachuted figure, which is wrapped from head to foot in white bandages like an Egyptian mummy.] TD: This is... This is in very bad taste, Steve Roberts. Is there anybody really underneath all those bandages? SR: Sure there is! Didn't I just say this guy was the Magnificient Carlitos? Of course, he's looking a little the worse for wear after his international embassy with Takezo Musashi, but the old ticker is as tough as the lips on a randy moose. How ya doin' Carly? [Steve lays a mighty slap across the back of the motionless, bandage wrapped mummy, which, of course, remains totally silent.] TD: Good grief. SR: Just a bit of stage fright, that's all. Just give him a few minutes to warm up, and you won't be able to keep the guy quiet. TD: Good grief. SR: You were saying, Dross ol' buddy? TD: Errr.... yes. We have a big scoop for you tonight on "Inside the IIWF", folks... the man who will face Steve Kowalski for the World Heavyweight title next Saturday night will be revealed! SR: Bill Clinton! At the special request of Gregg Osterhout, who wants a good, clean living example of family values to spearhead his "Wrestle Clean" campaign against the extreme hardcore ring terrorism of Steve Kowalski... TD: That is simply not true, Steve Roberts. SR: Daniel Spreadbury! Think our president was nothin' but a panty waisted, violin playin' graduate of an Oxford music college? Think again! This guy cut his teeth playin' axe in front of drunken Hamburgian nazi skinheads for that notorious, ultra violent grind hardcore speed death outfit, the... TD: That is simply not true, Steve Roberts. SR: Well who the hell will it be then? TD: None other than the only man currently in the IIWF to have beaten Kowalski one on one in a title match, the number three ranked wrestler in the world, one half of our current World tag team champions, "Sychosys" Joe Petrow! SR: Wooooo! TD: Woo, indeed. Pound for pound, arguably the toughest two men in all of wrestling. They've battled with each other in the past, splitting a two match series in what was some of the most incredible action we've ever witnessed in the IIWF. Almost one year ago to the day, at the very first Birthday Bash, Joe Petrow emerged victorious against Kowalski in a match which permitted members of the audience to pass foreign objects into the ring. Two months later at Coronation Clash, Steve Kowalski cleanly defeated Petrow to advance to the finals of a tournament to crown a new World heavyweight champion. Five star matches both, and we're looking at another potential classic this Saturday night as these two hardcore superstars clash one more time to finally settle the argument that has been raging for more than a year... just who is the better man? SR: Well, as much as I'm looking forward to watching these two nutters whoopin' the red stuffin' out of each other once again, I can't help but think that they ain't gonna' be settling it all right down the line with the situation the way it is in the Doube Eye at the moment. These be crazy, messed up times, and with both Serge Annis and the Enigma looking to rip chunks out of the champion themselves... well, maybe only the Enigma now that Annis has gone soft in the head... I just can't see this match going down without at least one mook rippin' through with some psycho ass meddling. TD: Apparently, the IIWF administration has demonstrated some rare foresight, Steve Roberts, and sanctioned the match under "locked door rules". That means that if ANY wrestler, manager, or valet should interfere with the clean progress of the match, he or she will be suspended permanently from the IIWF... no excuses, no arguments. That should ensure that all the fans out there, and perhaps more importantly, the two wrestlers themselves, will get to witness a decisive winner. SR: Hot damn! Osterhout gets tough! What did it take? Huh? What did it take? Did Mark Cutter sneak into his office and smash his glasses? Did Scott "the Whine" Bloom make a passing reference to the IIWF being a cheap rip off of the IHIW within his earshot? Look out, miscreants, scoundrels and dastardly poltroons of the IIWF, Osterhout has become one knuckle down mean muhfuh, muhfuh! He's like the Disco Godfather, y'know what I'm sayin'? "I'm gonna personally gonna come down on the suckas' that's producin' this shit!" Do you think that by the end of Saturday night, he'll be forced to inhale PCP through a gas mask? TD: I have no idea what you're talking about, Steve Roberts. Be sure to tune in to the IIWF next Saturday night; this is one main event you won't want to miss! ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|................................................... | || | \ v  v / | __|                                           REWIND: |_||_|  \_/\_/  |_|                   IIWF Saturday Night: 18 April 1998 ........................................................................ - The Machines defeated the Harlequins via disqualification when the Fabulous Ones interfered. - Big Greggy Cool defeated Chris Michaels via pinfall to advance to the second round of the "King of the Cruisers" tournament. - "The Saviour" Simon Lebec (#2 Seed) defeated Jimmy "Meatman" Steele (#7 Seed) via pinfall to advance to the second round of the Intercontinental championship tournament. - The Black Watch defeated the Northpac Coalition via pinfall. - Youth Gone Wild defeated IIWF Cruiserweight champion Icehawk via pinfall to advance to the second round of the "King of the Cruisers" tournament. - Marty Warnett (#1 Seed) defeated Luke Steele (#8 Seed) via pinfall to advance to the second round of the Intercontinental championship tournament. - The Baddest Thangs Running defeated World tag team champions Team Sychosys via disqualification when the Black watch interfered. - "Enigma" Takezo Musashi and World heavyweight champion Steve Kowalski battled to a no contest when bedlam broke out in the ring. TD: What a night of action, as we witnessed eight incredible matches... SR: Except for that one with the Machines in it. I'd rather be pack raped by a mob of crazed Arabian terrorists than watch that match again. TD: Eight incredible matches, ladies and gentlemen. The tag team division here in the IIWF just seems to be getting hotter every week, as each and every team has thrown themselves into the competition with a vengeance. The Machines and the Harlequins have been at each other's throats for quite some time now, somewhat irrationally over Harlequin Terror's pet chainsaw "Binky"... SR: The chainsaw has got to go. I just don't get into relationships with inaminate objects, Dross man. I'll say it again, a bit more firmly this time... The chainsaw has GOT TO GO... TD: Nothing was settled, however, due to the interference of the Fabulous Ones, who just can't seem to bear a tag team match going down without making themselves the centre of attention. The Black Watch made their IIWF tag team debut with a decisive victory over those Japan hardened veterans, the Northpac Coalition, though they might expect a tougher challenge from the Prophets of Rage, who made their first appearence on IIWF programming for many long weeks last Saturday night. Much fish was enjoyed. SR: I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but these tag guys might just be able pick up their game enough to retain my interest for a little while. We're starting to see some teams that can really go popping up all over the house. The Black Watch might mewl incessantly about how hard done they are by the boys upstairs, but they gots some rough muhfuhn' stuff when they knuckle down to it. Team Sychosys are always entertaining, even if they are only a one man team. The Prophets of Rage are about as great as a tag team can ever hope to be when they can be bothered to work, and it's good to see they finally got off their asses and made the effort, know what I'm sayin'? And when you get two powerhouses like Caleb Temple and Gunnar Gaines forging unholy hell together, y'know you ain't gonna flip the channel. Hell, I'd lay down a sawski to watch the Macbeth brothers rumble with the Prophets of Rage or The Baddest Thangs Running on most days of the week. TD: And it was the Baddest Thangs Running who found themselves right in the middle of all the action this Saturday night. Caleb Temple made his much mooted IIWF debut just as Gunnar Gaines promised, and he looked very impressive for a man who's been on the shelf for the last six months. It was all Joe Petrow and Maurice McArthur could hope to do to fend off their furious assault, and if it wasn't for the interference of the Black Watch, we would probably be looking at new tag team champions today. SR: But instead, we're looking at cracks, baby dolls. TD: I beg your pardon? SR: Cracks in the foundations, Dross man. Petrow dumps shovel loads of bullshit over his partner with that whole wife slappin', baby whackin' debacle, then goes ahead and challenges Kowalski for the big strap. We're talking a pretty fair sized crack in the mortar there. Gunnar Gaines pulls Caleb Temple off of a prime pinning position, and then Grizzly Slams him into the 'Arthur. We've got two guys here who probably hate each other's guts anyway, both of 'em about as trustworthy as a one armed leprous beggar in a tanning salon, both of em' about as suspicious as a guy who gets invited to a party, walks in the house, and finds the only people there are twelve bearded gentlemen wearing nothing but dirty mack coats and playing "Dr. Hook" records. We've got a great big hairy crack there that's as gaping wide as the spreaded legs of... TD: Just don't even finish that metaphor, Steve Roberts. Just don't. SR: Like I said, I don't think the tag team division will hold my interest for _that_ long. TD: A man who made his recent reputation with a succession of upsets against the likes of Takezo Musashi and Eddy Jacks was in turn upset himself on Saturday night. Icehawk, the number one Cruiserweight in the IIWF, was cleanly pinned by Youth Gone Wild, the popular young star who represents the highly respected UWF. What an amazing display of athleticism that match was, Steve Roberts, and what great action the "King of the Cruisers" tournament has provided us with thus far. Steve Roberts? [The camera pans outwards to reveal the scantilly clad French maid who is currently occupying herself clearing away the bits of plaster and debris strewn over the "Inside" desk with a feather duster. Admiring her lustrous long brown hair, shapely legs and more than ample cleavage, is a reverent Steve Roberts.] TD: [sigh] In further Cruiserweight tournament action, the somewhat dubious talent of Big Greggy Cool, who seems to building himself quite a cult following in the IIWF, was enough to earn him a berth in the second round with a victory over Chris Michaels, who... [First a surprised scream, then a stinging slap is heard in the background. The camera pans back out to reveal Steve Roberts grinning from ear to ear, his cheek turning red from the fetching blow, and the French maid storming off the set.] FM: Keep your goddamn hands off me, asshole! TD: [sigh] Steve Roberts. SR: I'm an innocent man, Timbo! I swear on my scout's honour, it was the Magnificient Carlitos who initiated any and all lustful activity. It's good to see that all the wear and tear hasn't depleted the old man's spirits, eh? [Roberts nudges the bandaged figure hard in the chest with his elbow and gives it a big wink. The mummy gives little response.] TD: The ranks of the Intercontinental title contenders were trimmed when Simon Lebec took advantage of interference by Karachel, Valtharius the Mad's manager, to take the victory over Jimmy Steele; and Marty Warnett edged out Luke Steele with his "Hangover" Flying Headbutt. So far, the bottom two seeds have been eliminated by the top two seeds in this championship tournament. SR: But most chilling of all, is the shockingly blatant prejudice the IIWF has shown gentlemen going by the name of "Steele" so far in the tourney. How many more "Steeles" will we see get the shaft before Shadoe Rage is crowned the new champion? It's a conspiracy I tell you! A conspircay! [Suspenceful music suddenly fills the set, and Dross looks about himself suspiciously.] ________      ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v  v / | __|                           NAMES MAKIN' HEADLINES |_||_|  \_/\_/  |_|                      All the news that matters most ....................................................................... [The deranged blues band from hell riffing of the Birthday Party's "Figure of Fun" causes many possessed of little capacity for noise based music to turn the channel on their sets as the logo goes wizzing across the screen.] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ANNIS ENFORCES THE LAW WHILE EVERYBODY GOES TO WAR, KOWALSKI SUSTAINS INJURY ------------------------------------------------------------------------ TD: Serge Annis was at the centre of all the action last Saturday night, voluntarily stepping up to the plate to enforce security around ringside after Dennis Griffing was, er... struck with a barbed wire wrapped chair and unable to fulfil his usual duties. Annis took a hard line vigilante style stance against the usual mayhem that has plagued IIWF cards of late, and although there is only so much one man can do, Annis was surprisingly effective in containing excessive outside interference. It would seem that Annis has consolidated his new status as the "Lethal Protector" of the IIWF, Steve Roberts? SR: There's nothing that gives me the total gargling shits worse than a goddamned "reformed" rulebreaker, Timbo. These guys are worse than those ex-alcoholics who push John 3:16 leaflets under your door and waffle on all day about how great it is to be sobre again, staring at you coldly as the buxom wench on the taps pours you your twelfth pint of Old Peculiar. All these reformed rulebreaker guys ever want to do is show you how much they've "changed" and wank on about how "put out of sorts" they are by all the evil, nasty things all the other guys who used to play for their team get up to. Y'know what it really boils down to? They've lost their damn liver, and they're jealous of everybody who still has it! Why does a guy like Jake Roberts shove something as patently dull as Christianity down our throats? Because he knows he'd much rather be out in the back room snufflin' the nose candy and banging back scotch on the rocks, but he [BLEEP]ed up so bad he can't do it anymore. Now he wants everybody to be as dryed out and bored and miserable as he is! Why does a guy like Serge Annis preach honour and rule books all of a sudden? Because he saw guys like Kowalski, Gaines and Musashi taking the hardcore game to a new level, and he lost his nerve. Now he wants everybody to abide by the rules so he doesn't get his washed up flabby ass kicked into the trash can of oblivion, the hypocrit. Serge Annis, you're ruining everybody else's fun, yer damn selfish sonofabitch! TD: Interesting perspective. Totally twisted, perverse and suffering under a severely skewed perception of reality, but interesting nontheless. One match that even Serge Annis' considerable law enforcement resources failed to keep on the straight and narrow, however, was our main event. That's not at all surprising considering the vitriolic natures of both Steve Kowalski and Takezo Musashi. Let's break down the events of the match... First, earlier in the show, we recieved reports that the champion had been assaulted backstage by Takezo Musashi and a mystery assailant. Steve Kowalski put up a brave fight, but taken by surprise by two men at the same time, he was soon taken down and beaten upon severely, sustaining an injured hip as well as various cuts, bruises and abrasions. The identity of the masked man is as yet unknown, but he was said to have delivered as series of high impact shin kicks to Kowalski's hip. Kowalski, despite the warnings of our medical team, bravely turned up for his defence regardless, although he was seen to be limping quite severely. He managed to even the score somewhat by jumping the Enigma from behind and breaking golf clubs across his head. The two men proceeded to go at it in the high impact, extreme style of wrestling we've come to expect from them, with Annis striving mightilly to keep the action within the restrictions of the rulebook. The whole affair was finally thrown out of control and into disarry however, when Team Sychosys, sporting Enigma style face paint, emerged from the stands and injected themselves into the fray. Given the loose alliance between Takezo Musashi and Team Sychosys that has been established over the past few weeks, it was expected that Petrow and McArthur would be interfering on the Enigma's behalf, but instead, Psycho Joe took it upon himself to lay down a challenge of his own to the world champion. SR: You've gotta be wondering what the Enigma thinks about that. Joe is supposed to be a tag team wrestler these days, and Musashi is gunning for the big strap himself. He's made no secret about that, but he's been keeping unusually quiet on the whole Petrow connection. There's been trouble between these two guys before, both in the front of the cameras and behind, but somehow everything blew over without a match being wrestled. Is there something on the brew again between the Enigma and Joe Petrow? TD: Well, so far, Musashi and Petrow have worked together quite harmoniously, and there does seem to be some kind of strange kinship between them. I wouldn't bank on them locking up anytime soon. Getting back to the match, we saw the whole affair break down into a wild brawl between Team Sychosys, Kowalski, Serge Annis and the Enigma, with no official result being announced. Steve Kowalski's hip injury was apparently excarberated in that furious brawl, and one wonders what kind of state he'll be in to wrestle Joe Petrow next Saturday? He couldn't even stand up when the show went off the air... SR: It hurts to say it, Dross man, but I think we may have witnessed the overthrowing of an epoch here in the IIWF. Steve Kowalski was the brightest light that burned for half as long; the thin wire with too much current running through it, and now he's all out of gas. This man gave it his all for the World's heavyweight championship, but he gave just a little bit too much. An injured Kowalski is still good enough to beat 95% of the wrestlers in the game, but unfortunately for him, Petrow is a great enough wrestler to fit easilly into that other 5%. TD: And given that Joe Petrow revealed his true colours on Monday Musings, revealing his own stories of miscarried children to be just as fabricated as Gunnar Gaines', and then proclaiming himself to be a "low down son of a bitch", he is unlikely to show any restraint for Kowalski's injury. He's going to concentrate his attack on that hip, and capitalise without a shred of mercy. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ SECOND ANNUAL BIRTHDAY BASH ANNOUNCED FOR MAY 16 ------------------------------------------------------------------------ TD: The IIWF, the world's most successful and prestigious wrestling organisation, will celebrate its second birthday in high style on May 16 right here in Portland with "Birthday Bash", our thirteenth pay per view spectacular. We already have the scoops on some of the great action coming your way, sure to make sports headlines across the world, and alter the course of wrestling history forever. SR: I alter the course of history every time I get up to take a dump in the morning. TD: I beg your pardon? SR: Chaos theory, Dross ol' buddy. Chaos theory. TD: Two matches are dead certs thus far. The young guns of the IIWF, the Amercian Dragons, will attempt to settle the score with the brutal ex-cops, Night Patrol, who are looking for a big victory to re-establish themselves as a force in the tag team division. This match has been sanctioned under "Texas Death" stipulations, which means victory can only be achieved by beating upon your opponents until they can no longer continue. There will be no rules, which would seem to favour the night stick weilding tactics of Night Patrol well. SR: I'm sorry, Dross, did you say something? I've had a device fitted into my head that blankets my senses with visions of Dyonisian abandon whenever anything associated with the bottom of the card is mentioned. TD: Jimmy "Meatman" Steele threw down the gauntlet last Saturday night, and it was Karachel who accepted the challenge on behalf of that throw-back to Neanderthal man, the gargantuan bonecrusher Valtharius the Mad. Valtharius pre-empted their wrestling match by pounding the Meatman into the mat and devouring some of his prime cutlets, and it is sure to be a ferocious brawl when these two headbangers clash at Birthday Bash in a special "Meatman Challenge Match", the stipulations of which have yet to be announced. SR: That big goofy moron might look like a tough solve on the surface, but I'll let you in on a little knowledge from a guy who's stepped between those ropes himself. These giant ape men types are a dime a dozen in wrestling, and they almost never live up to the hype. That's because they're about as mobile as Oprah on a crack down time chilli dog binge, and they have all the brain capacity of a soap opera queen after a lobotomy operation. Sure, one of those big ham fists comes crunching down on your bean and you're addled for a week, but you can see 'em coming all the way from a small shack on a mountain in Tibet somewhere. Jimmy Steele shouldn't have any problems cutting this oversized mutton chop down into more palatable, soup style mush. TD: I just have a gut instinct that this Valtharius fellow might have what it takes to become a real terror in the ring, Steve. We haven't seen how well developed his actual wrestling skills are yet, but it looks like Valtharius has the killer instinct to back up his phenomenal physical presence. Although the exact details have yet to be specified, we have confirmation that every single one of our IIWF titles will be placed on the line at Birthday Bash. Current favourites jockeying for a World title match include Serge Annis, who is well overdue a PPV calibre main event; the "Enigma" Takezo Musashi, who has really upped his game, tearing up a storm in the IIWF of late; and Gunnar "Grizzly" Gaines, who has been very impressive since his IIWF debut, but might have to work his way further up the ladder before he is granted main event status. With the way things are going in the IIWF at the moment, we might even be looking at Kowalski vrs. Petrow IV going at it for all the marbles at the top of the card. SR: Why don't you just admit it, Drossy. You don't have the foggiest notion who is gonna be headlining the big show, do ya'? TD: Icehawk is likely to be putting his Cruiserweight strap on the line against Derek Mota, who has just recently stepped up his involvement in the light heavy division once again, and Team Sychosys are tentatively scheduled to defend their tag team titles against the Down Boys, who they have yet to best in a straight two on two tag team match. Bear in mind, that the championship picture is constantly evolving in the IIWF, almost anything could happen, and these matches are all subject to change. SR: At the whim of those boys up in administration, who come up with the matches by blindfolding a goose, getting it so drunk it can barely waddle, and setting it loose in a room containing a poster of each and every IIWF superstar. The first one that the goose blunders into is declared the number one contendor. TD: That is simply not true, Steve Roberts. The Down Boys, for example, announced on Monday Musings that they are on the verge of quitting the IIWF entirely, although administration has yet to recieve any official confirmation. We're not quite sure what the situation is there, but Dan Oliver and Adam Peterson certainly won't be getting the shots if they're gonna up and leave after the PPV. [At these words, Steve Roberts suddenly bursts into song accented with a heavy Irish brogue.] SR: At the time I was working for a landlord And he was the meanest bastard that you have ever seen And to lose a single penny would grieve him awful sore And he was a miserable bollocks and a bitch's bastard's whore I recall we took care of him one Sunday We got him out the back and we broke his fucking balls And maybe that was dreaming and maybe that was real But all I know is I left that place without a penny or fuck all TD: We're also sure to witness the crowning of the "King of the Cruisers", and the edge of the seat finale to the Intercontinental championship tournament! Don't delay, call your cable operator and order Birthday Bash today! SR: And kids, if you hear moans of pleasure coming down the other end of the line, or a woman with a breathy voice inviting you to investigate the contents of Pandora's box, be sure and hang up the phone immediately. That means you dialled a nine on the end instead of a six. I make that mistake all the time, baby dolls. You should see what my phone bill comes to. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ PHOTOGRAPHS FOUND OF GREGG OSTERHOUT PLAYING NUDE TWISTER WITH IKE SAMPSON ------------------------------------------------------------------------ TD: Sorry folks, we were only joking about that one. SR: Are you quite sure? ________      ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|................................................... | || | \ v  v / | __|                                        FIRST LOOK: |_||_|  \_/\_/  |_|                   IIWF Saturday Night: 11 April 1998 ........................................................................ [The hardcore guitar demolition work of Massappeal's "Nobody Likes A Thinker" blasts out in soundtrack as the upcoming matches roll down the screen.] 1. IIWF World Heavyweight Championship Match:    Steve "the Fury" Kowalski [c] vs. "Sychosys" Joe Petrow 2. King of the Cruisers Tournament Second Round Match:    "Sanguinary" Steve Manning [IIWF] vs. "Playboy" Ronnie D [EMWC] 3. King of the Cruisers Tournament Second Round Match:    Tiger Claw [independent] vs. "Iconoclast" Sean Watts [LWC] 4. IIWF Intercontinental Championship Tournament First Round Match:    "Savage" Shadoe Rage vs. Harlequin Tragedy 5. IIWF Intercontinental Championship Tournament First Round Match:    "Rocket Man" Timothy N. Turner vs. Christopher Stonebreaker 6. Serge Annis vs. Charles Scheffield 7. Prophets of Rage vs. American Dragons 8. Down Boys vs. NorthPac Coalition TD: What a night of action we have coming up this Saturday. No wrestling fan can afford to miss that blockbusting headliner, which is sure to fuel several weeks worth of drama, action and intrigue, as the injured Steve Kowalski puts it all on the line in his third and deciding match against Joe Petrow. We'll see the self pro-claimed icon of wrestling, "Playboy" Ronnie D of EMWC fame take on our very own Steve Manning, and the man who had been alienated from the IIWF for a very long time, Tiger Claw, take on LWC's Sean Watts in second round Cruiserweight tournament action. SR: And the Black Jesus will be making a Clockwork Orange out of some guy who wears strange clothes in the Intercontinental championship tournament. I got to mention Stanley Kubrick on the show! Woooooo! Full Metal Jacket! Wooooo! Black Monolith! Woooooo! TD: Stop... Steve. I can feel it. Please stop... Steve. SR: Good to see you're on the ball tonight, Dross ol' buddy. TD: Also in tournament action, Timothy N Turner will be looking to erase the memory of the embarrassment he has suffered at the hands of Duncan Macbeth by looking sharp against Christopher Stonebreaker, the man they call the "Ragin' Cajun". Serge Annis will have to curb his hatred of Charles Scheffield and wrestle a good, clean scientific match if he hopes to have his probation lifted by Gregg Osterhout. SR: It just ain't gonna be any fun watching these guys trade abdominal stretches. Go medieval way, Annis! There's fine, upstanding entertainment to be had watching a snooty rich kid getting barbed wire stuck to his head. Charles Scheffield is like that kid in grade school who gets his mother to deliver him fish n' chips at lunch time while everybody else has to make do with cheese sandwiches, he's just asking for a fat lip and a thick ear. Beat on the brat with a baseball bat! Joey Ramone! Wooooo! TD: The much anticipated return to action of the Prophets of Rage will take place as they trade fists and wits with the American Dragons, and the Down Boys tangle with their rivals from the Orient, the Northpac Coalition. SR: Miss out on the next edition of IIWF Saturday Night, and you're liable to spend your evening staring blankly at the wall and scratching your nose occasionally! TD: Don't forget to also tune into "Countdown" on Friday night to hear all of the IIWF superstars shoot straight from the hip and pull no punches, as they tell you just what the heck is on their minds. By the way, Don McQueen has assured us that his absent segment "Straight From the Gutter" will be back on the "Inside" panel next week. Unfortunately, Don ran into some trouble with debt collectors from the Emu farming business last week, and his eyebrows were forcibly removed with paint stripper. Understandably, he had no desire to appear on television in such a horribly disfigured state. Well, I think that's about a wrap for tonight. This is Tim Dross on behalf of "Soundbite" Steve Roberts saying, so long everybody! SR: This is "Soundbite" Steve Roberts on behalf of the Magnificient Carlitos saying, so long everybody! [The camera pans outwards as the credits roll and the cans of Mooselips are cracked. Suddenly, to the abject shock of Tim Dross and Steve Roberts, the bandaged figure of the Magnificient Carlitos (?) lurches up out of its chair and turns to face them.] BF: Just why the hell wouldn't you trust a one-armed leperous beggar in a tanning salon anyways? TD: What the...?! [Steve Roberts leaps to his feet and begins to shake Tim Dross violently by the collar.] SR: Oh sweet Jesus! It's an Egyptian curse! Save me, Dross! I knew I shouldn't have got drunk with Doctor Howard Carter that night! I'll come down with the virus of the Meejums! Save me! [Tim Dross, however, is more concerned with scrambling out of his chair and fleeing out of shot than saving Steve Roberts. Ashen faced, the "Soundbite" is quick to follow him. The Mummy stares after them for several moments, then gives a big wink to the camera as it kicks back in its chair. The Mummy raises a can of Mooselips to its bandaged lips and takes a good swig, just as the shot fades to black.] +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= I * I * W * F =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-+ | President: Daniel Spreadbury | Vice-President: Gregg Osterhout | | univ0322@sable.ox.ac.uk | ghost@frii.com | | iiwf@sisko.demon.co.uk | | +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- http://www.sisko.demon.co.uk -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=+