["Teddy Bears' Picnic" plays on a scratchy old gramophone record as the shot opens upon a large shiny blue parcel, wrapped around with a magnificent golden ribbon and decorated with matching IIWF logos in miniature. A generic American brat of eight or nine eagerly scoops the package up and yells over his shoulder with an annoyingly whiney voice. "Can I open it yet, mom?!" "Now Danforth, you know that the Birthday Bash isn't for another three weeks. Put that thing down and start darning the chickens as you were asked," comes the reply from a scowling woman with curlers in her hair, weilding an ancient looking vacuum cleaner. "Awww Dang." The boy puts the package back down in front of himself, and hunches up resting his chin upon his hands, staring at the package dreamily. The shot hazily closes in on the package, growing steadily larger in the mind's eye until it becomes just a blur upon the screen, and as it does so, an ominous ticking sound can be made out, faintly at first, but increasing in volume until it drowns out the "Teddy Bears' Picnic" soundtrack. Fade. The words "Two weeks and six days later" print across the darkened screen. Once again, the shot opens on level with the parcel. This time, the boy looks anxiously over his shoulders to make sure nobody is watching, then, satisfied that the coast is clear, he begins to tear furiously and gleefully at the package's wrapping, an expression of barely suppressed excitement on his face. "Danforth! What did I tell you about opening that package before the Birthday Bash?" The boy takes a tremendous shot with a vacuum cleaner attachment across the back of the head, and flops lifelessly to the ground. The woman in curlers cackles maniacally as she seizes up the package. "Darn kids, don't take notice of a damn thing ya tell 'em. I'd better take care of this package myself." The woman begins to pluck away at the wrapping, scrabbling to get the package uncovered as fast as she can. "All that thick, rich, IIWF goodness. All those spicy wrestling delights... and they're mine! All mine! That Simon Lebec is such a hunk!" "Jesus hell of 'ezus! What the [BLEEP] are you doin' messin' with that package, Marjory!?" A brawny, hairy looking man with a stupid squint and a massive beer gut hanging out form underneath his flannel shirt exclaims in a glowering voice as he steps into the shot. "Didn't I warn you about that damned thing? Hellfire!" The man snatches the package away and leans right over into the woman's face, and as he yells at her, spittle flies from his rubbery lips. "Don'tcha' know that what's contained in this here package is a dangerous communist plot to poison the minds of our great American people? Why, the stuff in here just has no regard for good old fashioned Christian values or traditions. It spits in the face of justice and morality; it openly condones all manner of anarchic, sociopathic, and downright deviant behaviour. What this thing poses, is the greatest threat to our A-merican way of life since the rice farmers bombed Hanoi. It's my duty as a loyal citizen to put an end to this spawn of Satan and communism before it envelops the entire nation. I'm gonna napalm this sonovabitch like an uppity foreigner!" The man winds up to punt the package clean out of the window, but, abruptly, the generic Amercian boy leaps up from the floor and snatches it away. "Geez dad, can't we watch Steve Manning electrocute Luke Steele again?" "Manning is a goddamn dope fiend, son. And as for that Luke Steele... well, he was broke at the wrist since the age of fourteen. Now give me that package before I tan yer hide good." The woman in curlers attempts to grab the package away once again herself. "Naw, you give it to me, y'hear boy? I'm hungry for some of that hot monk lovin'." "Goddammit! I ain't having no wife of mine associate with no porno stars!" says the man as he cocks his fist back in a menacing manner. "Now hand me over that package 'afore I start gettin' handy with my fists." Suddenly, a loud and ominous ticking noise interrupts the near fracas. It appears to be emanating from the very package itself... TICK. TICK. TICK. TICK... "Hell, that noise reminds me of somethin' I heard back in dear old 'Nam one time." All eyes are turned expectantly upon the package as a voice over thunders forth...] VO: Can you bear to wait for the explosion of sound and fury that is, the next IIWF pay per view spectacular? [TICK. TICK. TICK. TICK... All three figures turn to face the camera and nod solemnly.] VO: But can you stand the heat when it finally arrives? [TICK. TICK. TICK. TICK... BOOOOMMMMM! There is a blinding flash of light, and for one brief moment, the three figures are visible only as radiated skeletons on a ex-ray chart, before being utterly vaporised. The shot cuts to outside, where, amidst a bog standard street of cloned American suburbia, a huge mushroom cloud of smoke and flame billows up from what was once a pleasant, wood panelled middle American house. Bursting out from amid the explosion and onto the screen comes the official "Birthday Bash" logo.] VO: The cutting edge of pro wrestling combat. Superstars that go against the grain. It'll be the wildest night of celebration ever when the greatest wrestling organisation in the world presents to you "Birthday Bash", live on Saturday 16 May, only on pay per view. Get the first scoop on all the action, check out our exclusive preview tonight, on... .     ___.     __  ____   __  ________      ______          ||\ |/   |   ||     | | ||    | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|          || \|\__ | __||__   | |_||__  | || | \ v  v / | __|          ||  |   \|/  ||     | | ||    |_||_|  \_/\_/  |_|          ||______/|\__||__   | | ||_________________________                 with Tim Dross and "Soundbite" Steve Roberts                                        Tuesday 28 April 1998 [The raucous beats and rhymin' of "Brind da' Ruckus" by the Wu Tang Clan thunders along in a low down bass growl as the logo fades into insignificance, opening up the shot on the now familiar blue and gold panelling of the "Inside the IIWF" desk. Tim Dross, immaculately attired in his dark navy blue suit, sits along side infamous colour commentator, "Soundbite" Steve Roberts, who, inexplicably, is dressed in a red army uniform.] TD: Welcome everybody, to another edition of the all-new, not quite improved, weekly review of all the action, all the drama, all the intrigue, all the stuff that matters most in the world of sports... Inside the IIWF! I'm Tim Dross, and sitting along side me, as always, my broadcasting tag team partner... [Dross takes in a deep breath] The Autocrat of the Apple of Eden, the Chief of Chelsea's Chastity, the King of Kinky Kismet, the President of Passionate Palpitations, the Cardinal of the Carnal Carnival... The one, the only... "Soundbite" Steve Roberts! [A blast of thunder and lightning, followed by several deep, dramatic piano chords, fill the air as Steve Roberts winks at the camera.] SR: I'm your spokesman for the duration, baby dolls. TD: As announced at the top of the show in that, uh... what would you call it, Steve? Advertisement? SR: We gots David Lynch working in the marketing division now, Dross ol' buddy. Things are gonna get mighty weird around here in the near future. TD: As if they weren't enough already. As I was saying, we're going to be giving you an extensive run down of all the incredible action coming your way at Birthday Bash -- a pay per view in celebration of the IIWF's second glorious year -- a little later on in the show, but first of all, let's take a brief look at all of the excitement and drama that went down in the IIWF Coliseum last Saturday night. ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|................................................... | || | \ v v / | __| REWIND: |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| IIWF Saturday Night: 18 April 1998 ........................................................................ 1. The NorthPac Coalition defeated the Down Boys via pinfall. 2. The American Dragons defeated the Prophets of Rage via count out. 3. Serge Annis and Charle Scheffield battled to a no contest when Deathbringer, Chris Staley, Takezo Musashi and Tiger Claw interfered. 4. Timothy N Turner defeated Christopher Stonebreaker via pinfall to advance to the semi finals of the Intercontinental championship tournament. 5. Shadoe Rage defeated Harlequin Tragedy via disqualification when Deathbringer interfered to advance to the semi finals of the Intercontinental championship tournament. 6. Sean Watts defeated Tiger Claw via pinfall to advance to the semi-finals of the "King of the Cruisers" tournament. 7. "Playboy" Ronnie D defeated Steve Manning via disqualification to advance to the semi-finals of the "King of the Cruisers" tournament. 8. Steve Kowalski defeated Joe Petrow via pinfall to retain the World's heavyweight championship. TD: Eight incredible matches, folks... SR: Except for that one with the NorthPac Coalition in it. I'd sooner have my toe nails violently removed with a blunt hacksaw than watch that match again. TD: Eight incredible matches, folks, and we're really starting to see the action hot up as we draw ever closer to Birthday Bash. In one of the most scientific matches we've witnessed for some time here in the IIWF, the NorthPac Coalition emerged triumphant against their rivals in Japan, the Down Boys. It was an all-out technical spectacular, marred only by the interference of the Black Watch, who seem determined to make sure that they get more than a fair share of air time at this point. SR: I'm all for disrupting authority and switching the channel when the tag teams come on, I can even tolerate it when one of Joe Petrow's ideas from years ago gets recycled right in front of my eyes, but if I should ever bump into that Andy Stewart on my way down to the knocking shop, I swear on your mother's glass eye I'll snot that punk ten good shots on the jaw for all the torture he made me endure on Saturday night. Does that Irish bastard think he's supposed to be funny? TD: Scottish, Steve. SR: I'll give you something damn funny. A mortician's apprentice walks into the morgue one night, and, upon examining three new bodies, is surprised to find that all of them have smiles on their faces... TD: Here we go... SR: "What's the story here?" the apprentice asks the master mortician, "Why are these dead guys all smiling?" "Well, the first," says the mortician, "had just won a hundred grand down in Las Vegas, and just as he was laughing for joy over such a fortunate victory, he had a heart attack and died right there on the spot." "Is that so?" says the apprentice. "That's not such a bad way to go out. So what about this second guy?" "Oh him," says the mortician, "he suffered a stroke while making love to a famous underwear model. He was smiling because he couldn't believe his luck at scoring such a beautiful woman." "Is that so?" says the apprentice, impressed. "That sounds like a pretty damn fine way to go out to me. What about this last guy?" "This man," says the mortician, "was STRUCK BY LIGHTNING." "Struck by lightning?" says the apprentice, "Why would he be smiling if he died getting struck by lightning?" "He was Irish," says the mortician. "He thought he was having his photo taken." TD: Badda Bing Badda Boom! SR: There's one in the eye for Johnny UK! Wooooo! Wooooo! TD: The Prophets of Rage expressed their disdain for the IIWF's tag team division in no uncertain terms, walking out of their match with the American Dragons and taking a deliberate count out loss on Saturday night. The Prophets had been dominant up until the point of departure in a brief match, but apparently, they don't feel it's worth the effort against anybody but the World tag team champions, Team Sychosys. That's an attitude I can't really condone, Steve Roberts. Not only are they showing disrespect for two worthy adversaries, they're also cheating the fans out of a fully-fledged athletic encounter. Taking on extra losses can't help the Prophet's rank on the ladder, either. SR: The Prophets have been practically the only thing worth a damn in the tag team ranks for as long as I can remember, Dross ol' buddy, and the suits should be handing everything to 'em on a silver platter. I can tell you right now, that there isn't a soul on the planet who found the match between the Drag Queens and the Prophets any more interesting than Dirty Dog and Derek Rage did themselves. What have those ragin' knuckle-headed muhfuhs got to prove against the likes of Joe Bovey and his brother or whatever the hell they call themselves anyway? The Prophets should have just had the win chalked up for them automatically while they took the evening off to go fit in a round of lawn bowls, or something. TD: That's a completely ridiculous suggestion, Steve Roberts. Serge Annis was impressive in containing his aggression against Charles Scheffield, wresting clean despite the temptations placed before him by Deathbringer. Unfortunately, however, the scientific match did not see an official conclusion, as newcomer Chris Staley took to brawling with Deathbringer in the centre of the ring, who was trying to convince Serge Annis to set Scheffield on fire at the time. Takezo Musashi, as seems inevitable when the situation slips out of hand, also chose to make an appearence, ambushing Serge Annis and placing an ultimatum over his head like a sword of Damocles. Apparently, Musashi wants Annis to quit his pursuit of the world championship, leaving the title shot against Kowalski at Birthday Bash open for the Enigma himself... otherwise, he promises he's going to make trouble. SR: Heh heh. That crazy little Antiguan guy. It's gonna be mighty funny watching Serge Annis trying desperately to fend off the extreme beat down treatment policies of the Enigma _and_ Kowalski under the restrictions of the wet blanket nancy-boy campaign that is "Wrestle Clean". "I am an officer of "Wrestle Clean"! Stop that rulebreaking, I say! Stop it at once! If you refuse to stop bludgeoning me over the head with that barbed wire chained spiked baseball bat, I shall be forced to place you under restraint with my arm bar." TD: If anybody is qualified to enforce the law in the IIWF, it's Serge Annis. That's despite the fact that you're not enjoying it, Steve Roberts. With his imposing size, brawling ability and a wealth of knowledge in the fine arts of the ruthless rulebreaking he'll be fighting against, Annis is well equipped to enforce some order on the anarchy that regularly breaks out in the IIWF. He's demonstrated a remarkable ability to put the breaks on his own violent tendencies, and he's setting an example for others to follow. SR: Heh heh. You sounded just like you were shilling RoboCop to the OCP board just then, Dross ol' buddy. You remember big daddy RoboCop? That big ass bacon boy with the baldy slap head and unfunky walk? "Come quietly, or there will be... trouble." Do you think Annis will use that line in his interview next week? TD: In something of a surprising development, Takezo Musashi's mysterious ally of the past couple of weeks was revealed to be Tiger Claw, who had his mask removed in an altercation with Serge Annis. As to what exactly motivated Tiger Claw's involvement in this affair... our sources have confirmed that he was recieving some sort of pay-off from the Enigma. SR: Hell, there ain't nothing too complicated about this. All it comes down to is that Musashi needed some solid muscle to back him up, somebody he knew could be relied upon to go hard in a tight situation, and somebody unencumbered by any of the current drama in the IIWF. Who else was there but Tiger Claw? He don't come cheap, but he can take care of business and kick heads with the best of 'em. TD: We still don't have word on the status of Claw's IIWF contract, or if one is even in the works. Claw officially only returned to the IIWF in order to compete in the "King of the Cruisers" tournament, and he might not be too eager to return to fully fledged competition in a federation he has come to mistrust. In fact, word is that Claw may be very unhappy that he has been booked for a match beyond his active role in the Cruiser tourney this Saturday night, and will be leaving Portland as soon as that tag team encounter is done. Whether there is any truth at all truth to this speculation, is something only Tiger Claw knows within his own heart. SR: What about Clarence Boddiker? "Bitches leave." That was a cool scene. If RoboCop had broken into my cocaine factory I would have made a crack pipe out of his absurd metal head. "I had to kill Bob Morton because he made a mistake. Now it's time to erase that mistake." Heh heh. Maybe those European guys could learn from what happened to Bob Morton. I hate cocky, up and coming, punk executives. TD: Both the "King of the Cruisers" and Intercontinental championship tournaments have been trimmed to their final fours, as Shadoe Rage and Timothy N. Turner triumphed over Tragedy and Christopher Stonebreaker in IC action, and Sean Watts and Ronnie D defeated Tiger Claw and Steve Manning in Cruiserweight action, respectively. We'll be taking a closer look at those tournaments later on in the show. And Steve Kowalski hung onto his World Heavyweight Championship by the very skin of his knuckles against a game Joe Petrow in our main event. This match might have just proved that Kowalski has what it takes to go into Birthday Bash as banged up and blistered as he is, and still walk out of the building with the title belt around his waist. On the other hand, Petrow might have only further exacerbated the damage Kowalski is suffering from with the tremendous doses of punishment he dished out on Saturday Night, and at the big card, we may witness Kowalski's final turn at bat as the champion... maybe even the final match of his career. SR: After seeing a beat up and bloodied Kowalski cleanly overcome Joe Petrow last Saturday night, it wouldn't be outlandish to suggest that he can beat any man in the world at this point, busted up, broken down and exhausted as a three-legged asthmatic ant carrying a heavy load of shopping as he may be. This man is driven to the point of insanity, big daddy, and he ain't gonna give up the gold even if it kills him. But get this... if Kowalski does make it past Birthday Bash, he'll have a nice two month lay off to let all those nagging injuries heal, and then who's gonna beat him? TD: It would certainly be the fight of any man's life to rise to the occasion and defeat Kowalski for the big strap, injury or no injury, Steve Roberts. Let's take a look at that exclusive Birthday Bash preview we promised earlier. ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|................................................... | || | \ v v / | __| FIRST LOOK: |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| IIWF Birthday Bash: 16 May 1998 ........................................................................ ["War 33 1/3" by Public Enemy rocks the house down as the official Birthday Bash logo rolls majestically across the screen.] TD: IIWF President Daniel Spreadbury passed on a memo to us earlier in the week, detailing five new matches that have been confirmed for the show, but first, let's recap those already announced. ------------------------------------------------- MEATMAN CHALLENGE: Jimmy "the Meatman" Steele vs. Valtharius the Mad ------------------------------------------------- TD: Steele attempts to even the score with the gargantuan terror, Valtharius, in a special Meatman challenge match. We've yet to receive confirmation as to what exactly the stipulations of this match will be. SR: The Meatman's dream bout: the biggest lump of dead flesh he's ever stared across a ring at. --------------------------------- TEXAS DEATH TAG TEAM WARFARE: Night Patrol vs. American Dragons --------------------------------- TD: Young Guns the American Dragons attempt to make a name for themselves against the veteran bruisers Night Patrol, who are looking to re-establish themselves as a force in the IIWF's tag team division. SR: Watch this match? I'd rather be... TD: Save it until after the PPV, Steve. ----------------------------------------------------------------- IIWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP TOURNAMENT FINAL: Marty Warnett or Shadoe Rage vs. Timothy N. Turner or Simon Lebec ----------------------------------------------------------------- TD: Perhaps predictably, the top four seeds have emerged as the semi-finalists in the Intercontinental title tournament, and anticipation has got to be high in the locker rooms of Marty Warnett, Shadoe Rage, Timothy Turner and Simon Lebec. A loss at this stage of the proceedings would be heartbreaking, but a win... a win would keep alive the hope of capturing the IIWF's second most prestigious championship in front of all the world at Birthday Bash. SR: When you look at the field, there's one man that just stands head and shoulders above the rest, and I can't see it being any contest. Marty Warnett is so out of shape from refusing to work on a regular basis that he can't go for ten minutes without gasping for breath like he just hit the crack pipe too hard; Turner is minor league cannon fodder without Macbeth to carry his mid-carding ass; Lebec is a pretty cool guy when he's on form, but that schedule of two hundred porno flicks per year has got to be affecting his ring performance; and none of 'em are fit to carry the jockstrap of my man, the Black Jesus. Shadoe Rage is gonna terminate the next two rounds with extreme prejudice, and there ain't nothing a beer gut shakin' has been like Warnett can do about it. ------------------------------------------------------ "SPIN THE WHEEL, MAKE THE DEAL" MATCH: Black Watch vs. Gunnar "Grizzly" Gaines & Caleb Temple ------------------------------------------------------ TD: Perhaps the most intriguing match at Birthday Bash, as a spinning wheel determines the stipulations. Cage match? Ladder match? Strap match...? SR: Nude badminton match...? TD: They're all on the dial, and nobody knows just which one will stipulate this explosive tag team encounter until just before the bell sounds. That should really mess around with the pre match strategies of the two respective tag teams, as they must prepare for a whole range of unpredictable outcomes. The winners here might well be the side possessing the most versatility. SR: I've said it before, the Macbeths are good, even if I can't be bothered to work out what the hell they're babbling on about half the time, but they just don't quite match the depths of devious mat savvy or dangerous hardcore ring terrorism of the Baddest Thangs Running. This should be the break out moment for Temple and Gaines in the IIWF, and after this, all hell breaks loose. TD: The Black Watch are a solid unit, however, whereas with the Baddest Thangs Running, you always get the feeling that Caleb Temple and Gunnar Gaines are each going their separate ways, on the verge of feuding with each other all over again. The decisive factor could well be team fluidity, and I just can't shake the feeling that, given the high pressure experienced during important pay per view matches, the Baddest Thangs Running might just lose their patience with each other and self destruct before our eyes. -------------------------------------------------------- IIWF KING OF THE CRUISERS TOURNAMENT FINAL: "Iconoclast" Sean Watts or "Armitage" Steven Spector vs. "Playboy" Ronnie D or Big Greggy Cool -------------------------------------------------------- TD: The spectacular "King of the Cruisers" tournament is drawing to its conclusion, and remarkably, the finals will go down with not one representative of the tourney's two host organisations, the IIWF and SJPW, the latter sadly folding earlier on in the week. Sean Watts, who surprised many observers with a win over the more experienced Tiger Claw, now looks to have better odds against Steven Spector, a man who many regard as a legend of the sport. Big Greggy Cool seems to get by more on his dubious charm and quick wits than with any particular depth of wrestling skill, and one wonders how that will serve him against an equally flamboyant opponent, "Playboy" Ronnie D. Who's your pick, Steve Roberts? SR: Takezo Musashi. TD: He doesn't hang with the Cruisers anymore, Steve. SR: Derek Mota. TD: [sigh] SR: Hakiro Matsuoko. TD: Well, one thing is definite, the "King of the Cruisers" finale will surely be the most breathtaking high flying encounter of the year! You can't afford to miss this one, folks! You might think that all this great action is already enough value for your money, but we have another five highly anticipated matches confirmed for Birthday Bash. Let's take a look at all the details, as well as some speculation over the main event. -------------------------------------- IIWF CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: Icehawk [c] vs. Derek Mota -------------------------------------- TD: Arguably the two finest aerial artists in the IIWF, or anywhere else in the world, will clash at Birthday Bash in further cruiserweight action. Icehawk, his brief appearance in the "King of the Cruisers" tournament notwithstanding, has truly emerged as one of the brightest stars in the IIWF, and has given some of the veterans more than a pause to think about. Derek Mota, himself a former Cruiserweight Champion, has had his breathtaking leaps from the top rope grounded to some extent due to a severe, nagging ankle injury, but he is still a superb all around competitor. Mota ignited his feud with Icehawk by briefly "borrowing" the champion's cruiserweight belt and having his own name stencilled into the plate. Icehawk, ever the honourable champion, has sworn revenge for the insult, and demanded Mota as his opponent for the big card. SR: Which was exactly what Mota planned when he messed with that tin strap in the first place. Don't these clean-cut, panty-waisted good boys ever realise what they're walking into when they get all self righteously angry about this sort of thing? If Icehawk had really wanted to get some revenge on Mota, what he should have done was just laugh in his face and say "[BLEEP] you, you DEFINITELY ain't getting a shot at my title after that." That would have really got under the guy's skin, heh heh. TD: Icehawk is too much the competitor to settle his affairs with mind games, Steve Roberts. I think he'd prefer to conduct his business in the ring, where it belongs. --------------------------------------- IIWF WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: Team Sychosys vs. Prophets of Rage --------------------------------------- TD: There doesn't seem to be much of an issue to settle between these two teams, but undoubtedly, that will not diminish the fervour with which they wrestle each other. The Prophets of Rage have campaigned long and hard in recent weeks to receive a long overdue shot at the gold, and they're currently looking very sharp in the ring, despite their apparent disinterest in most of the IIWF's tag teams. SR: Team Sychosys were cool while they lasted, but I don't think they're gonna be lasting for much longer, know what I'm sayin'? Petrow and the 'Arthur have been buggin' at each other for weeks now, and it's only a matter of time before Sycho Joe gets bored carrying the newly inflated ego that swallowed the Jobber Justice Squad and heads back into the singles ranks. The champs might have had a chance if they still had the unity, but as it stands right now, I can't see them handling the Prophets with much confidence. This age has rage written all over it, baby dolls. ------------------------------------------------ "IT'S FUN TO BE UNEMPLOYED" FAREWELL TOUR MATCH: Down Boys vs. Natural Predators ------------------------------------------------ TD: And we'll be waving a forlorn goodbye to the Down Boys at Birthday Bash, who were consistently one of the most entertaining tag teams in IIWF history. The Down Boys requested a pair of worthy adversaries for their final match, and they'll have just that in the formidable form of the Natural Predators, the team they beat to capture the World tag team titles back in February. In many respects, the IIWF tag team division WAS the Down Boys and the Natural Predators early in the year. SR: And all praise to Allah that circumstances have improved by a mile since then. The thought of having to sit through another Natural Predators vs. the Down Boys match is enough to make me contemplate retirement, Dross ol' buddy. TD: Seriously? SR: Yes. But the public demands the "Soundbite". Where would all those no-lifer morons in the stands look for spiritual guidance if I just upped and disappeared? I gots some heavy-duty responsibility, baby dolls. Now go and plant plastic explosives in Wall Street. ---------------------------------------- STEEL CAGE MATCH: Deathbringer vs. "Vagabond" Chris Staley ---------------------------------------- TD: Chris Staley has been quite impressive since he debuted in the IIWF several weeks ago, but unfortunately, that success seems to have been somewhat lost in the shuffle amid all the federation rocking events taking place in the IIWF these days. All that could change at Birthday Bash, as Staley's gutsy challenge to veteran Deathbringer has finally been acknowledged. Staley campaigned in the president's office on a day to day basis, as well as constantly baiting Deathbringer himself, to earn himself this match. However, I really must question the wisdom of such a green youngster, as impressive as his potential may be, in daring to challenge a former World champion and one of the most successful wrestlers in IIWF history for his IIWF pay per view debut. Staley could easily find himself beaten into oblivion within the confines of that steel cage. SR: I like this kid Staley, though, Dross ol' buddy. He's cocky, arrogant, with a totally unreasonable faith in his own abilities. He's an angry young man dealing with the serious issues in this world, issues like beating the crap out of the old and feeble generation, the ageing has-beens who should have shuffled off the mortal coil and left the world to the young guns with bad intentions long before now... issues like beating the crap out of a guy like Deathbringer, for example. ------------------------------ "THE WAR TO SETTLE THE SCORE": The Machines vs. Fabulous Ones ------------------------------ TD: A match billed as the "War to Settle the Score", IIWF officials have vowed that it is to be the very last meeting between the Fabulous Ones and the Machines in an IIWF ring. This is a feud that has raged long and hard in the IIWF, threatening to envelop the careers of both tag teams and costing the IIWF thousands in terms of damage to company property. What a hard-fought contest it will be, as both sides look for the one decisive victory that will settle their war for good. SR: What men or gods are these? What maidens loth? What mad pursuit? What struggle to escape? What pipes and timbrels? What wild ecstasy? TD: I beg your pardon? SR: I'm sorry, Dross, I was just reflecting on scenes of Dionysian abandon. TD: Finally, it has been announced that IIWF President Daniel Spreadbury will be on hand this Saturday Night to announce the main event for the show, and the contract will officially be signed right in the centre of the ring. The actual challenger for Steve Kowalski's -- or perhaps Deathbringer's -- World Heavyweight Championship has yet to be specified, but it will definitely be one of the top contenders, probably Serge Annis or Takezo Musashi. SR: You can bet Serge Annis has greased enough palms and buttered enough muffins up in administration to "earn" himself the shot, but I don't think the Enigma is gonna let the contract signing go down without some sort of mischief. TD: That remains to be seen, Steve Roberts. Let's kick it on down to our next segment, "Names Makin' Headlines!" ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|.................................................. | || | \ v v / | __| NAMES MAKIN' HEADLINES |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| All the news that matters most ....................................................................... ["Youthful Expression" by A Tribe Called Quest mellows out the set as the logo zaps across the screen.] ------------------------------------------------------------ STEVE SAMPSON ARRIVES IN THE IIWF, ATTACKED BY THE COALITION ------------------------------------------------------------ TD: The third big star from the now defunct "loop" scene to appear in the IIWF, Steve Sampson, made a special appearance last Saturday night. Apparently, Sampson has yet to officially sign on the dotted line, although contract negotiations are said to be well in progress. Sampson has held major championships across the world, and acquiring his services would be another major coup for the IIWF. And unlike most of today's wrestling stars, Steve Roberts, Sampson is a classy, honourable competitor all the way. SR: Sounded too goddamn polite to be much of a wrestler to me, Drossy. Having two god forbidden ass-kickers like Caleb Temple and Gunnar Gaines on board is fair enough, but do we have to pick up every piece of flotsam that floats our way from the nether regions of the loops? If The Spread man isn't careful, the IIWF will start to look like PCW version 2.0. TD: Sampson is far from a piece of flotsam, Steve Roberts, being one of the very elite stars in PCW and EWA. He's sure to provide IIWF fans with some great moments in the coming months. Sampson was cowardly ambushed by the combined assault of Derek Mota and Rick Williams, who have reformed their long time Coalition in the IIWF, which might have caused contract negotiations to hit a snag... or possibly, it might have made Sampson all the more determined to join the IIWF and earn himself a little payback. SR: Well, I wouldn't be so eager to peg this guy as the next big hero, Dross man. If you ask me, he just might have an ulterior motive for joining the IIWF... TD: Which would be? SR: Sampson had his biggest success in PCW, right? Where was PCW based? TD: Right here in Portland. SR: So who was it that put PCW out of business? TD: I think we'd better leave off with that speculation for now, Steve Roberts. ---------------------------- KOWALSKI'S CONDITION WORSENS ---------------------------- TD: According to examining physicians, Steve Kowalski's brutal rash of wrestling sustained injuries are only growing worse. Kowalski has been going at it hammer and tongs with the likes of Shadoe Rage, Serge Annis, Joe Petrow and Takezo Musashi of late, and the damage he has taken hasn't been granted one moment of respite, costing him valuable time in the healing process. As far as we know, the list of Kowalski's injuries currently includes a severely injured hip, a concussion, a damaged hand, a seriously weak knee, and a whole host of minor fractures, cuts and abrasions. Kowalski has been advised by his doctors to take an extended break... or pay for the consequences with his career. SR: It doesn't matter what some croaker cooks up to spook the champion, he just ain't gonna quit. If Kowalski looses the title, then so be it, but he's gonna do it like a man, in the ring, after a titanic struggle, not by forfeiting 'cause of a few bumps n' scratches. TD: I don't doubt what you say, Steve, but this is an extremely foolhardy attitude for Kowalski to adopt. For all his tremendous courage, he'd be much better off taking a break, forfeiting the title, and then coming back strong for another run. As it stands right now, Kowalski just might not be capable fo putting on much of a match at Birthday Bash. ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|................................................... | || | \ v v / | __| FIRST LOOK: |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| IIWF Saturday Night: 11 April 1998 ........................................................................ ["Car Thief" by the Beastie Boys plays in soundtrack with ultra slick funkiness as the logo rolls across the screen.] 1. IIWF WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: Steve "the Fury" Kowalski [c] vs. Deathbringer 2. Serge Annis & Charles Scheffield vs. "Enigma" Takezo Musashi & Tiger Claw 3. KING OF THE CRUISERS TOURNAMENT SEMI-FINAL MATCH: "Iconoclast" Sean Watts [SCRA] vs. "Armitage" Steven Spector [LWC] 4. IIWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP TOURNAMENT SEMI-FINAL MATCH: Marty Warnett vs. "Shadoe" Savage Rage 5. IIWF CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: Icehawk [c] vs. Harlequin Tragedy 6. IIWF WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: Team Sychosys [c] vs. The Harlequins 7. "Vagabond" Chris Staley vs. Jimmy "the Meatman" Steele 8. Robert d'Artois & Reiner Ver Magnusson vs. The Benjamins TD: Another great action packed card heading your way this Saturday night, and remember, every competitor will be notching their efforts up to the limit on the ever shortening road to Birthday Bash. We'll see just how capable Kowalski still is of defending his title as he goes up against the formidable veteran and former champion Deathbringer... SR: Has been in a fright mask... TD: And we'll find out if Serge Annis and Charles Scheffield will be able to function as a unit, wrestling clean against the martial arts mayhem of Takezo Musashi and Tiger Claw. We're all out of time folks, but be sure to join with us on Saturday Night for more great IIWF action. I'm Tim Dross, this is Steve Roberts, and we're saying... "Goodnight everybody!" [The credits roll as both Tim Dross and Steve Roberts hurry off the set, glancing at their watches, pressing engagements elsewhere. The lights fade, and all is hushed on the darkened IIWF desk. Suddenly, a barely familiar man dressed in flashy clothing with his hair sticking up from the top of his head like a certain infamous boxing promoter rushes huffing and puffing into the shot.] DM: Right, finally I can... [Fade.] +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= I * I * W * F =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-+ | President: Daniel Spreadbury | Vice-President: Gregg Osterhout | | univ0322@sable.ox.ac.uk | ghost@frii.com | | iiwf@sisko.demon.co.uk | | +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- http://www.sisko.demon.co.uk -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=+