[The show opens with a monochrome shot of the bloodied and battered face of Steve Kowalski, his characteristic tough man snarl of determination failing to mask the pain emanating from his eyes. Chillingly, those twin green windows express the feeling of powerlessness, the keen sense of loss, as everything a man is passionate about slips away from his grasp. Chillingly, they capture the heart of a man so driven that he'll willingly throw it all away in relentless self-destruction rather than utter the words "I Quit". A body's machinery breaking down, a champion's reign crumbling on the brink... it's all in there, and it's all winding down to a devastating conclusion. Chants of "Skull-pump! Skull-pump!" resonate with an eerie echoing effect as the image slowly fades out into blackness. The words "IIWF Saturday Night, May 2" print across the screen in white lettered silence, and abruptly, we find ourselves transported back to that fateful night... Deathbringer remains in the corner as Kowalski slumps against the pads, and then the big man climbs up the corner himself, seating himself on the top buckle as he reaches down, grabs the nearly-unconscious Fury, and hoists him us as the Deathbringer stands on the second rope!] TD: This is it... Deathbringer's going for the Burial! SR: I can't believe I'm sayin' this, Dross, but... let this be the end! For the Fury's sake, finish it, dead man! [As the heel pop in the Coliseum threatens to deafen the sell-out crowd, Deathbringer spins Kowalski in mid-air up on the ropes, clutches him in an inverted position, and using the ropes for added height, launches himself high into the air, smashing Steve Kowalski's head into the canvas with a resounding BOOM as Deathbringer drives the champion into the mat! Huge pop!] SR: It's over! [Earl Alfonso rushes in as Deathbringer covers Steve "The Fury" Kowalski, the fightingest champion ever in IIWF, and the capacity crowd is on its feet as Earl Alfonso dives in and begins the count that will usher in a new chapter in World Championship history: 1... 2... And the crowd in the Coliseum EXPLODES... ...as Kowalski slides a foot off the apron, stopping the count at two! TD: ONLY TWO! ONLY TWO! Steve Kowalski is hanging on! SR: Only the Fury, Dross. God... I'm chokin' up here... [Deathbringer's burning gaze turns first to Alfonso, who points to Kowalski's foot for the second time in this match, and then the big man pounds the mat, showing frustration for the first time! Kowalski is not moving, and Deathbringer rises to his feet, jerking Kowalski up and sending him roughly into the ropes once more!] TD: Here comes the Scythe again! [On the rebound, though, the crowd erupts with a monstrous pop as Kowalski, suddenly lucid again, anticipates the clothesline with a vicious kick to Deathbringer's midsection! The big man doubles over, and Kowalski, moving on pure instinct, hooks the 'Bringer's arms, grunts, and heaves the 324-pounder into the air! The crowd catches its collective breath as the huge Deathbringer is suddenly upside down in mid-air, seemingly hanging in space for long moments before Kowalski yanks him out of the air and hammers him head-first into to the mat!] TD: SKULLPUMP! SKULLPUMP! HE GOT HIM! SR: Hallelujah, brother! [Pure chaos reigns in the crowd as Kowalski wavers on his feet in front of the unconscious Deathbringer, the chant of "SKULL-PUMP! SKULL-PUMP! SKULL-PUMP!" shaking the rafters as the Fury looks upon his work. Alfonso stands at the ready, waiting for Kowalski to make the pin, and finally, the Fury falls -- but Alfonso stays put, as instead of falling over the Deathbringer for the pin, Kowalski's eyes roll back in his head, and he collapses to the mat in a heap!] TD: He's down! Kowalski has passed out! SR: He used up everything hitting that Skullpump, Dross! The Fury doesn't have an ounce of fight left in him! TD: It's only a matter of time before Deathbringer recovers from that Skullpump, and if the Fury's still out, we will see a new champion! [As Dross speaks, Deathbringer indeed begins to stir, and as his head rolls to one side, he sees Kowalski sprawled on the mat, unconscious. The 'Bringer rolls over and starts to crawl to his feet, but before he can make his way over to Kowalski to apply the pin, he suddenly vanishes from the ring! Big pop!] SR: Where the hell did he go? TD: It's Chris Staley! He pulled Deathbringer out of the ring! Staley is pounding away at Deathbringer! [As the battles rage outside, inside the ring, referee Earl Alfonso is looking down at Steve Kowalski with a genuinely concerned look on his face. Kowalski is still out cold on the mat, and he has unconsciously drawn himself up into a foetal position, his breath coming out in audibly shallow, uneven rags. Alfonso seems uncertain as to what to do, but then remembers that the match is still in progress, and keeping an eye on the prone champion, moves to the ropes and begins counting Deathbringer out!] TD: Alfonso is applying the count to Deathbringer, but the big man seems only concerned with Chris Staley! SR: Who the hell cares, Dross?! Look at the Fury! Screw the match, that man needs medical attention, pronto! [Afonso's count reaches ten! Ding! Ding! Ding!] SL: Ladies and gentlemen, here is your winner, as a result of a countout... and STILL IIWF World Heavyweight Champion, STEVE "THE FURY" KOWALSKI! [As the Jobber Justice Squad races down the aisle to break up the melees between Deathbringer, Staley, Annis, and the mini-'Bringers, "Don't Fear The Reaper" begins to pound from the Coliseum's P.A. once again, but the usual mammoth Fury pop is not to be heard, as the noise in the arena drops to a nervous hush. The JJS drags off Staley, Deathbringer, Annis and the mini-Bringers, leaving only Earl Alfonso in the ring, staring down at the still-unmoving form of the IIWF Champion!] TD: Oh, this is bad, Steve Roberts. Steve Kowalski has not moved for over a minute now. SR: This is a goddamn disgrace, Dross! The Fury should never have been allowed to wrestle tonight! Look at him! All that hot air that Spreadbury was spouting after Ring Wars 5 about being so concerned about wrestlers' safety was a load of crap! [The crowd buzzes with concern, and several voices from the audience cry out "Get up, Fury!" but the champion remains motionless on the canvas. Alfonso attempts to shake Kowalski into life several times, but the Fury does not respond, and the official frantically motions to the timekeeper to call out the EMTs.] SR: He's finished, Dross! They ran him into the [BLEEP]in' ground! I hope all those suits up in that fancy tower of theirs are satisfied! TD: Now, Steve, we can't be certain how serious Kowalski's condition is... SR: What the HELL are you talkin' about, Dross?! You sound like one of those goddamn bean-counters! It's the mother[BLEEP]in' Fury up there! That guy's walked away from more punishment than we dished out to Iraq in the Gulf War. But he sure as hell ain't walkin' now, is he? [The EMT crew hits the ring, and a spinal board is dragged across the canvas beside the prone figure of Steve Kowalski. The medics attempt to roll the Fury onto the board, but suddenly, Kowalski begins jerking uncontrollably as the crew attempts to secure him, and his eyes roll back white in their sockets as his face twists into a frightening, involuntary grimace.] TD: He's convulsing! Oh my goodness... SR: Get him out of here! And Spreadbury, if you're watching this... don't you [BLEEP]in' DARE let that man in that ring again until he's fit! You just might have killed him tonight, you sonofabitch! TD: We're... we're out of time! Folks, this is obviously a terrible situation, and it appears that IIWF Champion Steve "The Fury" Kowalski is in... well, he's in serious physical condition! How serious we have yet to determine, but you can be assured that we will update you on the Fury's status just as soon as we have that information! Watch this Tuesday's "Inside the IIWF" for a full report on tonight's happenings, but until then, for "Soundbite" Steve Roberts, this is Tim Dross, saying... SR: GET HIM OUT OF THERE! NOW! TD: ...so long, everybody! [Cut back to ringside, where the EMTs have finally managed to get Kowalski strapped down to the spinal board, and they quickly move Kowalski out of the ring and onto a waiting gurney. Kowalski is still unconscious, and as the gurney passes by the camera, we see a thin trickle of greenish bile trickling down the side of his face from the corner of his mouth. The crowd is still and silent as the crew races the Fury up the aisle towards the exit, and the only sound that can be heard in the Coliseum is the siren from the ambulance outside, as it waits to take away the IIWF Champion. Fade.] . ___. __ ____ __ ________ ______ ||\ |/ | || | | || | || |\ \ /\ / /| __| || \|\__ | __||__ | |_||__ | || | \ v v / | __| || | \|/ || | | || |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| ||______/|\__||__ | | ||_________________________ with Tim Dross and "Soundbite" Steve Roberts Tuesday 5 May 1998 ..................................................... [A brief segment of the ethereal, hypnotic "The End" by the Doors echoes out in refrain as the logo hovers on the screen. The shot opens up on the now familiar blue and gold sports panel desk of "Inside the IIWF", housing our erstwhile play by play man, Tim Dross, and his broadcasting colleague, colour commentary man and spiritual guide for the masses, "Soundbite" Steve Roberts. Dross is attired in his standard dark navy blue suit, although this time, his tie features a golden IIWF logo pattern. Steve Roberts has reverted back to his battered looking leather jacket, wearing a shirt bearing the slogan "Don't Cry for Kowalski. The Fury Lives." underneath.] TD: Welcome everybody, to another edition of the no longer very new, not quite improved, weekly review of all the action, all the drama, all the intrigue, all the stuff that matters most in the world of wrestling... Inside the IIWF! I'm Tim Dross, and this is my better half on the announcing team... [Dross takes a deep breath] The Rasputin of Ridicule; the Descartes of Derision; the Stalin of Strong Words; the Spinoza of Spicy Content; the Socrates of Sports Commentary... The one, the only... "Soundbite" Steve Roberts! [A triumphant fanfare of heavenly proportions emanates from all quarters as footage of rockets shooting up into space, trains hurtling through tunnels, and sperm whales staring mutely at one another cut rapidly across the screen. Abruptly, the audio goes into a high pitched squeal and the picture swerves wildly as if film were being wrenched from the reel. When order is restored, it is the beady eyes of the "Soundbite" that stare directly into the camera lens, and with conviction.] SR: Damn all that stuff to hell right now. The "Soundbite" has an issue to deal with. TD: [from background, interrupting] I'm at a loss as to how you did that with video tape, Steve. SR: There comes a time in every generation, when a great calamity strikes the collective consciousness of humanity on the planet Earth. It comes hurtling out of the heavens with an impact that is terrible to behold. It wipes out every conviction you ever had. It wipes out all notions of order, reason, and sanity. It makes you tremble with the realisation that there is absolutely nothing to hold us bound safe and sound upon this miserable little rock set amid the stars. There is always a warning, but out of fear, you choose not to heed it. It happened back in the fourth century, and they called it the Black Death. It happened back in 1939, and they called it World War II. It happened back in 1963, and they called it the assassination of President Kennedy. And now... it's happened again. Now, it's up to all of us, each and every man, woman and child, to find the strength and spirit locked deep within our hearts, and hope, and pray, that together, we may overcome this tribulation. [Steve Roberts steps back from the camera, his face grave. Tim Dross looks on quizzically.] TD: What on earth are you talking about? SR: [adopting a voice of William Shatner-esque gravity] Steve Kowalski... is finished. [Roberts turns pale and swoons back against the desk, but just as abruptly, his eyes open again with a twinkle.] SR: Well, almost finished. TD: You may be overstating the dramatics somewhat, Steve Roberts, but Steve Kowalski's condition has undoubtedly worsened after his gruelling bout with Deathbringer. It was feared that the Fury might have been suffering from a swelling in his cranial cavity due to wrestling with a severe concussion last Saturday night. Luckily, however, emergency doctors managed to relieve the pressure on his brain and revive him on Sunday afternoon. Kowalski is still suffering from the severe after-effects of aggravated concussion, including dizziness, disorientation, and the possibility of future black outs. For this reason alone, doctors have recommended that Kowalski should not wrestle under any circumstances for the next six weeks at least... and that's not taking into account his splintered hip bone, minor ligament damage on his knee, and bruised ribs. SR: In other words, morons, the guy's in worse condition than a dime store hooker on crack withdrawal, and he shouldn't even get out of bed, let alone go within whistling distance of a wrestling ring. Let the man have his down time, dammit! Leave him to the tender mercies of Nurse Delores and her harem while the IIWF awaits his return. Throwing Kowalski to the wolves against Serge Annis at Birthday Bash is gonna be like proclaiming a death sentence! TD: Well Steve, the bottom line is that Kowalski is still currently slated to wrestle in that match, and until he comes to his senses and pulls out, that's the way it's gonna stay. We might face the possibility of Kowalski forfeiting his title, but right at the moment, it just doesn't look feasible. Kowalski just doesn't want to disappoint all the Furys out there by not turning up for the title defence -- although I'm sure most of them would prefer him to sit out and make a recovery -- and he won't want to disappoint himself by giving it all up without a fight, either. And let's face it, the officials are not going to try and change his mind when ratings and buy-rates are on the line. The fact is that the IIWF nearly always draws bigger numbers with Kowalski in the main event, and for him to pull out now would have a disastrous impact on the success of Birthday Bash. SR: To hell with the statistics and to hell with the greenbacks! If this were Icehawk or Jim Bovey or goddamn Chris Quigley, I'd sit back and laugh while they bragged about their bravado and busted themselves up into a bloody mush. But this is true greatness we're talking about here! A talent like Kowalski only comes along once in a decade, and the suits want to throw it all away on a single measly pay per view? No buy-rate is worth sacrificing the career of a legend for. TD: This is truly the most grave and controversial title situation I have ever witnessed in the IIWF, and along with everybody else, I'll be keeping close tabs on the whole affair over the next week and a half. One thing is for sure, when Birthday Bash finally arrives, we will witness an earth shattering conclusion to all the drama. We'll have something of a special show in store for you tonight, folks, as we focus exclusively on all the action and drama leading up to Birthday Bash, the spectacular pay per view celebration of our second year here in the IIWF. We'll have all the latest exclusives on the card's line up, including the announcement of two more incredible matches, but first, let's take a look at all the excitement that went down in the IIWF Coliseum last Saturday Night. ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|................................................... | || | \ v v / | __| REWIND: |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| IIWF Saturday Night: 18 April 1998 ........................................................................ - The Robert D'Artois and Reiner Von Magnussen brawled with the Benjamins to a double count out. - "Vagabond" Chris Staley defeated Jimmy "Meatman" Steele via pinfall. - Team Sychosys defeated the Harlequins via pinfall to retain the World tag team championships. - Derek Mota "defended" the Cruiserweight title against Harlequin Tragedy in Icehawk's stead, rendering the match a no contest. - Marty Warnett defeated Shadoe Rage by reversed reverse decision to advance to the finals of the Intercontinental championship tournament. - "Iconoclast" Sean Watts defeated "Armitage" Steven Spector via submission to advance to the finals of the "King of the Cruisers" tournament. - Tiger Claw and "Enigma" Takezo Musashi defeated Serge Annis and Charles Scheffield via pinfall. - Steve "the Fury" Kowalski defeated Deathbringer via count out to retain the World's heavyweight championship. TD: Eight incredible matches, folks... SR: Except for that one with the Benjamins in it. I'd rather have my nipples clamped to a red hot fender than watch that match again. TD: We witnessed a battle between four men who might be considered the future of the IIWF's tag team division, as the Benjamins clashed with Robert D'Artois and Reiner Ver Magnussen for the second occasion. This time out, neither team could keep their fierce rivalry under control, their competitive fire eventually leading to a double count out as all four men brawled furiously outside the ring. These are four guys who have yet to settle the score, Steve Roberts. SR: I'd rather they disappeared up their own asses and settled my stomach than make me suffer through the nauseating experience of watching them wrestle again. That's why there was nothing more satisfying than watching hell's own disciples, the Baddest Thangs Running, haul ass down to ringside with a couple of Singapore canes in tow, wiping those putrid "benji smiles" off the faces of those "Gee willickers, ain't it grand to be in the big leagues?" rookie punks. A little wheel spinnin' and a little head kickin', that's the birthday card Gaines and Temple are sending to the Haggis brothers especially for the Bash. TD: "Vagabond" Chris Staley, a young man with a bitter attitude, scored a major upset over that brawling bratwurst man, Jimmy Steele. That was mostly down to the interference of Valtharius, Karachel and some handy chair work, though, Steve Roberts. SR: Well, nobody else would dance with him at the high school prom. TD: I beg your pardon? SR: [adopting throaty singing voice] "If you can't find a partner grab a wooden chair / Let's rock... everybody let's rock." God I hate that fat, side-burn wearing bastard. TD: Deathbringer also showed up during the proceedings, introducing for the first time his new bodyguards, the "mini" Deathbringers, who, at 6'7" a piece, only look mini when standing next to their boss. Chris Staley, displaying more guts than brains, launched himself at the veteran IIWF star with all the savagery of a wolverine, only to find himself blasted through the concrete floor. That could prove prophetic for their steel cage match at Birthday Bash, Steve Roberts. SR: This Deathbringer guy was all the rage once, but times have moved on and the IIWF ain't no place for swords n' sorcery or "co-incidental" similarities to freak wrestlers from fake wrestling leagues any more. Deathbringer is still dangerous, but he just doesn't have the natural ferocity that made him a champion a year and a half ago. If da' 'Bringer wants to ever claw his way back to the top of the ladder, he's gonna have to take off the mask, quit the quest for the dark side bullshit, and act like a goddamn real man, not some panty-waisted reject from a costume party. As it stands right now, the 'Bringer is a relic of irrelevance, and as unlikely as it looks to the whole world at the moment, this man Staley is gonna emerge from that steel cage, blood pissing out of every pore on his body, but with his hands raised in victory, and that's what it all boils down to. TD: It was a rare clean pinfall victory for the World tag team champions, Team Sychosys, as they went up against the ever persistent challenge of the Harlequins. Remarkably, we didn't witness any further cracks in the alliance between Joe Petrow and the Majestic One, and they looked mighty sharp against Chaos and Terror. Perhaps Team Sychosys have put their differences behind themselves in the drive towards Birthday Bash, where they will undoubtedly face a stern challenge from the Prophets of Rage, who emerged from the stands to enact a post match assault on the champions. SR: I already know what's gonna happen in this one. McArthur stuffs the match in a momentary return to his clumsy ass unconfident jobber reality, Petrow beans him over the head with a stuffed parrot in frustration, the Prophets cakewalk to the victory, and Petrow returns to the singles ranks in grand, head-busting, Psycho Joe rockin' style. What I really wanna see, is for Joe to return to that darker, wild far away look in the eyes, on-the-fringe edge he had when he first stepped foot on the shores of the IIWF. Cut down on the goofy comedy and start kicking heads through asses with violent abandon, that's what the Soundbite likes best, big daddy. TD: The match between Icehawk and Harlequin Tragedy never really got under way, due to the machinations of Derek Mota. The IIWF's heatseeking missile apparently ambushed Icehawk backstage, rendering him incapable of turning up for the match, then came down to ringside and proclaimed that he would defend Icehawk's Cruiserweight title himself. Unfortunately for Tragedy, the opportunity to capture his first major singles belt was denied him, as a bloody and furious Icehawk fought his way down to the ring and launched himself at Mota with a vengeance. The brawl between these two men enveloped the action, and the bout was declared a no contest. SR: A gay Finnish guy gets punched out, and a man wearing funny clothing gets jipped. That's not a bad ratio of action for a Cruiserweight match, Dross ol' buddy. It makes my eyes go misty to see Derek Mota back to his devious, destructive ways once again, but what the hell is up with the Scandinavians these days? Back in the middle ages these guys were the hardest mob going, and they'd chop yer legs off with a huge battleaxe, burn yer house down and torture yer family as soon as look at ya. Now they're entering gymnastic competitions and styling their hair like albinoid hedgehogs. Go medieval way, Icehawk! Grow a beard, guzzle goblets of mead, change yer name to Thorfinn Shinsplitter, and if anybody questions yer lifestyle, bury an axe in their whittle pated skull. I bet ya don't have it in ya! Whoooo! TD: In one of the most closely-matched, hard-fought encounters we've ever witnessed on IIWF Saturday Night, Marty Warnett edged out Shadoe Rage to advance to the finals of our Intercontinental Championship tournament. Although Warnett was ranked as the number one seed due to his performance in the pre-tournament battle royal, many observers considered Shadoe Rage a slight favourite, given his recent smash hit of successes and his stellar challenge of Steve Kowalski. No longer, then, can Marty Warnett be considered a lazy worker, or an easy mark old timer. He matched the red hot and intense Rage hold for hold, and proved beyond all doubts that he still has what it takes to hang with the big boys in the IIWF. SR: What a crock of steaming bollocks, Drossy! Warnett might have notched up his game a little, but it was only a matter of time before his ageing middle-of-the-road rocker boy flatulence got the better of him and he passed out in the middle of the ring. Then we got hit with that screwy finish. Who the hell booked that one? Jim Cornette? TD: Who? SR: Oh, just some fictional character in an internet wrestling game that no-lifer Morton keeps wibbling on about when he's not watching Chuck Norris movies. Warnett is a guy who still listens to David Lee Roth, for mother[BLEEP]in' sake. I was down with Diamond Dave back in the early eighties, fronting Van Halen before his synthesiser playin' pansy ass Beach Boy solo act, but now he's nothing but a bloated parody living on his past success, just like Warnett himself! And that's the symbolism right there: Warnett is the eighties, hair spray and David Lee Roth, Rage is the nineties and the Wu-Tang Clan, stripped down to the mother[BLEEP]in' blast beat essential, badder than the bastard child of Eric B and Rakeem their bad selves, raisin' hell with the raucous, rough house stylin', and smokin' any dumb ass niggaz stupid enough to steps in their ways. Yeah baby! Like the sting from a killer bee, kick in the battery. TD: Another upset occurred when the little-renowned Sean Watts bested the famous Steven Spector in a superior athletic contest. Quite a streak for this young man, and sure to be a disappointing loss for Spector, who hoped to add the title "King of the Cruisers" to his already lengthy list of prestigious accomplishments in the wrestling world. SR: But that ain't nothin' compared to the next match. Tiger Claw and that crazy Luxembourgian muhfuh steamrolled Annis and Scheffield with the ease of fatal disease, baby dolls. TD: It _was_ something of a one-sided altercation, as Scheffield had trouble adapting his finely-tuned scientific arsenal to the martial arts brutality of his opponents. Annis never seemed to really get going as Scheffield was quickly overwhelmed, and looked uncomfortable in deciding whether to throw the rule book out the window or keep it strictly scientific, according to his new "Lethal Protector" principles. That might just be the one chance a battle damaged Kowalski has to retain a slender grip on his title at Birthday Bash. Annis has yet to fully evolve from his old extreme style of wrestling, and if Kowalski can take the fight right to him in an early, desperate assault, he could catch the former "Epitome of Evil" unawares. SR: Kowalski is finished, Dross ol' buddy. He's about to depart to that place where all the dead legends go and do their thing unto all eternity. Where Charlie Parker's alto sax echoes through the cosmos while Chan shoots pieces of H into his unquenchable vein; where Charles Bukowski scribbles diamond in the rough odes to drinking while oriental maidens pour cheap beer down his throat; and where Jack Johnson, the greatest fighting machine that ever lived, continues to spit in the face of the white man by beating an aging Jim Jeffries into a bloody pulp. TD: Shockingly, we also saw the brief alliance between Takezo Musashi and Tiger Claw explode, as the Muay Thai master turned around and kicked the Enigma down to the canvas after their match, setting a new agenda of his own in the IIWF. Takezo Musashi had been paying Tiger Claw a pricey salary to act as his personal "enforcer", but it would appear that Tiger Claw now has a new ally to lend a hand to. Judging from the hints Tiger Claw dropped, we have a fair idea about just who this old friend of Tiger Claw's will turn out to be, but currently, our lawyers have advised us not to comment on the situation. SR: I'll tell you all right now, it's... TD: Steve Roberts! Tiger Claw has declared that he's now here to clear up the "cancer" in the IIWF, although it's unclear at this point as to whether he's talking about the officials whom he feels, to use his phrase, "gave him the shaft" during his last tenure, or the new guard of wrestlers in the IIWF. Whatever the case may be, you can bet Takezo Musashi won't turn the other cheek over this one. SR: Oh yeah! We gonna see the two premier wolverines of the wrestling world rip chunks of flesh outta one another all over again! ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|................................................... | || | \ v v / | __| BIRTHDAY BASH UPDATE |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| Coming Saturday, May 16 ........................................................................ Main Event: IIWF World Heavyweight Championship Match: Steve "the Fury" Kowalski vs. Serge Annis [plus special guest referee] IIWF Intercontinental Championship Tournament Final: Marty Warnett vs. ? IIWF Cruiserweight Championship Match: Icehawk vs. Derek Mota IIWF World Tag Team Championship Match: Team Sychosys vs. Prophets of Rage IIWF King of the Cruisers Tournament Final: "Iconoclast" Sean Watts vs. ? "Spin The Wheel, Make The Deal" Match: Black Watch vs. Gunnar "Grizzly" Gaines & Caleb Temple Steel Cage Match: Deathbringer vs. "Vagabond" Chris Staley Loser Leaves Town Match: The Machines vs. Fabulous Ones "It's Fun To Be Unemployed" Farewell Tour Match: Down Boys vs. Natural Predators Towel Match: "To Excess" Rick Williams (with Derek Mota) vs. Steve Sampson (with Robert Donovan) Meatman Challenge: Jimmy "the Meatman" Steele vs. Valtharius the Mad Texas Death Tornado Match: Night Patrol vs. American Dragons TD: That's the big card as it stands coming into today's show, folks, although we do have two new matches to announce later on before we finalise the line up. We saw the official contract signing between Steve Kowalski and Serge Annis right in the centre of the ring last Saturday night, confirming Annis as the current number one contender for the big strap. Kowalski, despite his ailing condition, was all set to have it out with the "Lethal Protector"... SR: I used a brand of prophylactic named "Lethal Protector" once. TD: Steve Roberts. As I was saying, Kowalski belted Annis right in the mouth, but the reformed rulebreaker refused to be drawn into an unsightly, unsanctioned brawl. One man who was certainly unhappy with the contract signing was Takezo Musashi, who had been gunning for the big shot himself. Musashi leaped over the stands to wreak whatever havoc he could at ringside, kicking Annis soundly on the jaw and attempting to rip our head administrators into shreds. SR: It's just another man the fed heads screwed over in the never ending quest for the big bucks, but I don't think they're gonna get away with it so easily this time. The Enigma is one man who can raise unholy hell in an organisation and induce a chronic migraine in the hardest boiled rules enforcer when things don't quite go the way he likes to see 'em go, and those four eyed pencil pushers were lucky to escape with their health intact last Saturday night. TD: We might well get to see the Enigma unleashed with a vengeance at Birthday Bash, Steve Roberts, but if he wants to interfere in the main event, he'll have to contend with Tiger Claw first. Yes, that's the latest match announced for the big show, folks, and what a ferocious encounter it is sure to be. Long time fans of the IIWF will remember that Takezo Musashi earned his first Cruiserweight title with a victory over Tiger Claw in a three-way dance, also involving the "Angel of the Sun" Hakiro Matsuoko, well over a year ago, and it is just possible that Claw betrayed the Enigma for that very reason. Tiger Claw is known to be an unforgiving man, and vengeance festers inside his heart for a long time. SR: Those were the days, eh, Dross? Takezo Musashi an honourable man. Sabin Figaro still a fresh memory of mediocrity. "Nuclear" John Bomber drowning in toxic waste. The guy with the beard still covering baseball, wrestling a distant prospect. Goddamn, I miss those days. TD: Really? SR: Nah. It's hell trying to curb your genius for controversy under a regime of "Family Entertainment". Let's have a barbed wire nuclear Armageddon match right now, just you and me, whaddaya say, Drossy? TD: Getting back to our main event, fans across the world are guessing with bated breath as to the identity of our special guest referee, who is certain to complicate the controversy surrounding the big match even further. All we know is that President Spreadbury has promised to deliver a very big surprise... any ideas, Steve Roberts? SR: I know who it is. TD: You do not. The rumours are flying, and current speculation favours another big name on the jump from the crumbling ranks of the loop federations. Some of the names we've heard bandied about are Trey Porter, Scott Hibbs... SR: Frank Pools of the Aces of the Deep. TD: ...Glen Hudson, former IIWF World champion Casey James, even Sabin Figaro is rumoured to be coming out of retirement to slip into the black and white stripes at the Bash. SR: I already know who it is... it's gonna be... wait for it... are you ready? TD: Admit it, Steve, you really have no idea. SR: The man who will return to referee the main event at Birthday Bash between Serge Annis and Steve Kowalski will be none other than... the "Lone Wolf" Brody Thunder! TD: No it will not, Steve Roberts. We also have our free for all match announced, and it's one that will surely prove decisive in determining the future of the IIWF's tag team division. SR: A damsel with a dulcimer In a vision once I saw: It was an Abyssinian maid, And on her dulcimer she played, Singing of Mount Abora. Could I revive within me Her symphony and song, To such a deep delight 'twould win me, That with music loud and long, I would build that dome in air, That sunny dome! those caves of ice! And all who heard should see them there, And all should cry, Beware! Beware! His flashing eyes, his floating hair! Weave a circle round him thrice And close your eyes with holy dread, for he on honey-dew hath fed, And drunk the milk of Paradise. TD: I beg your pardon? SR: Dionysian abandon, Dross-man. TD: Yes. As I was saying, our Free-For-All match will pit the IIWF's two newest and most promising tag teams, the youthful and athletic Benjamins, against the arrogant technicians Robert D'Artois and Reiner Ver Magnusson. This is one victory both teams are lusting for in the wake of their fierce rivalry, and the competitive fire displayed is likely to be unmatched. Remember, folks, you only have a little over a week left to order the greatest spectacle of action and drama of all times, Birthday Bash, so call your cable operator today if you have yet to do so! SR: And kids, if you hear a man with strange voice on the other end asking you about fornication with nuns, hang up immediately. That means you dialled the wrong number, moron. ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|................................................... | || | \ v v / | __| FIRST LOOK: |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| IIWF Saturday Night: 9 May 1998 ........................................................................ 1. MAIN EVENT: Serge Annis, "Vagabond" Chris Staley, Tiger Claw & Icehawk vs. "To Excess" Rick Williams, Derek Mota, "Enigma" Takezo Musashi & Deathbringer 2. KING OF THE CRUISERS TOURNAMENT SEMI-FINAL MATCH: "Playboy" Ronnie D [EMWC] vs. Big Greggy Cool [NPWA] 3. IIWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP TOURNAMENT SEMI-FINAL MATCH: "Rocket Man" Timothy N. Turner vs. "The Savior" Simon Lebec 4. Baddest Thangs Running vs. Steve Sampson & Robert Donovan 5. NON-TITLE "IT'S FUN TO BE UNEMPLOYED" FAREWELL TOUR MATCH: Team Sychosys vs. Down Boys 6. Natural Predators & American Dragons vs. Night Patrol & The Black Watch 7. Jimmy "the Meatman" Steele vs. Valtharius the Mad 8. Fabulous Ones & Robert d'Artois and Reiner Ver Magnusson vs. The Machines & The Benjamins TD: The match-makers have really stepped up to the occasion this Saturday Night, stocking the card with high-calibre, talent-packed matches in the big build up to Birthday Bash. Tensions are running so high in the wrestlers' locker rooms, you might not witness the most scientific, cleanly determined matches you've ever seen in the IIWF, but undoubtedly, you'll witness more than enough mayhem and drama to keep you on the edge of your seat all the way to the big show on May 16. The Fabulous Ones might have the opportunity to avenge the severe injury of their manager, Mr. Tsuburaya... SR: But surely Mr. Tsuburaya is merely a lifeless, cardboard dummy? TD: I assure you that the veteran manager is all flesh and blood, Steve Roberts, and he's currently in a very uncomfortable predicament after being viciously powerbombed off the top of a jumboyron, twenty feet down into the stands, by Paul Wong of the Machines. Sho Satsuma and Agito Nakajima might not have the chance to even lock up with their hated rivals, however, with Robert D'Artois and Reiner Ver Magnussen doing their utmost to tear fierce rivals the Benjamins into shreds during the very same match up. One thing is for sure, the referee is going to have the hardest job of his life trying to contain all eight men with their tempers flaring during this one. In still more action, Jimmy Steele faces Valtharius the Mad in a precursor to the "Meatman Challenge" at Birthday Bash, which we're told will not be an actual wrestling contest. SR: You mean the suits gave the go ahead for that nude polo Armageddon match I suggested? Hell, I was drunk when I passed that one down the line! I didn't mean it! TD: Uh, I don't think that's quite what the Meatman has in mind, Steve Roberts. Nonetheless, we have an intriguing situation on our hands witj this match, as it seems Valtharius has taken something of a shine to Jimmy Steele, preferring to hug him rather than wrestle him, much to the dismay of handler Karachel. SR: Let me clarify something here. I ain't got no problem with this kind of behaviour -- after all, it's the nineties and we're supposed to be living in a free country -- but as a red blooded male, I just don't wanna be seeing this kind of activity right in front of my face while I'm chewin' on a barbecue sauce and beef kebab behind the announcing desk. I totally sympathise with Jimmy Steele when he resisted the advances of that big sappy moron by belting him right in the chops. Like I said, this is the nineties, but if Valtharius wants to get up to those kind of antics, he should do it in the designated night clubs, where other men just like himself go to dress up in black leather thongs and hiss at each other over obscure cocktail drinks. TD: I really have no idea what you're supposed to be intimating with those comments, Steve Roberts. We'll have more eight way tag team action... SR: They told her how, upon St. Agnes' Eve, Young virgins might have visions of delight, And soft adorings from their loves receive Upon the honey'd middle of the night, If ceremonies due they did aright; As, supperless to bed they must retire, And couch supine their beauties, lily white; Nor look behind, nor sideways, but require Of Heaven with upward eyes for all that they desire. TD: [sigh] We'll have more eight way tag team action when the Natural Predators team up with the American Dragons -- a duo with whom they share more than a little kinship, all four men preferring to conduct their affairs in a sportsmanlike fashion -- to take on the brutal combination of Night Patrol and the Black Watch, who are four men known for being less than honourable when they feel the situation calls for it. I'm sure the Macbeth brothers, as unflattering as their opinion of the rest of the IIWF's tag team division is, will be more than a little disgruntled about being placed in this match, and that's sure to translate into an even more nasty attitude than usual. SR: Bring on Caleb Temple. Bring on Gunnar Gaines. The quicker those two wheel-spinnin' maniacs cut a bloody swathe through this dreary affair, the quicker we get to see eight guys who damn near devolve into a state of drooling psychotic rage as soon as look at one another all get it on in the main event. TD: You're jumping the gun a bit there, Steve Roberts. We'll see the Down Boys in their next to last match in the IIWF when they challenge the splintering Team Sychosys for the tag straps, and wouldn't it be something if Dan Oliver and Adam Peterson managed to recapture the gold just days before their planned retirement? SR: It would be something if Joe Petrow reveals that he underwent a sex change operation on the previous evening, if Majestic Maurice McArthur runs away to Russia with a circus knife thrower, and if aliens replace the Down Boys' brains with transistor radios blasting the greatest hits of Kool and the Gang at high volume out of their ears, but unless all of that stuff happens, I can't see myself sticking around for the match when the pub down the road from the Coliseum features skimpy bar maids at eight. TD: It'll be a treat for long time fans of Portland wrestling when the four biggest stars in the history of the now defunct PCW renew old rivalries in special tag team action. The Baddest Thangs Running, Gunnar Gaines and Caleb Temple, are set to battle new IIWF acquisitions, Steve Sampson, and the seven foot two inch terror, Robert Donovan. SR: Let's face it, Australia has produced some of the greatest rock n' roll bands of all times. The Birthday Party. Mass appeal. AC/DC. The Saints. The low down, dirty, straight from the swamp, Beasts of Bourbon. But they've still got hell to pay for unleashing Jason Donovan on the world. Hot damn, if I ever hear a voice with that much electronic treatment again, I'll run screaming behind my sofa in fear of the Daleks. TD: That's ROBERT Donovan, not JASON Donovan, Steve Roberts. God knows what that punk kid from "Neighbours" is doing with himself these days, but Robert Donovan is one of the most feared wrestlers ever to set foot in the squared circle. He has no gimmick or cute nickname, he never dated Kylie Minogue. What you see is what you get, just seven foots worth of hardcore ring terrorism, and that's all he'll need to make a big splash in the Double Eye. SR: I made a big splash once. TD: Best weekend of your life? SR: Nah, I was just falling down drunk at a pool party. TD: Anticipation is running high as to just which wrestlers will be featured in the finals of our "King of the Cruisers" and Intercontinental championship title tournaments. Sean Watts and Marty Warnett have both overcome formidable competition to clear the field, but it's even money as to whom their opponents will be at the Bash. Simon Lebec might have been expected to cruise to a victory over Timothy N. Turner, earning himself a chance at Intercontinental gold against long time enemy Marty Warnett, but Turner looked remarkably sharp against Christopher Stonebreaker in the quarter finals, and he could pull through for the big card. The time might just be ripe for TNT to emerge as a superstar in the IIWF, this time without Duncan Macbeth at his side. SR: But none of it's gonna matter when my main man, the Black Jesus starts popping nine millimetre caps in the asses of all the mid-carders standing in the way of his first taste o' singles gold. KRS One! Bring the funk down! TD: Shadoe Rage is gone, Steve. Two men who seem to get by just as much on their smart-alecky wit as their sometimes neglected wrestling skills, Big Greggy Cool and the shameless self promoter "Playboy" Ronnie D, will clash in the second semi-final of the "King of the Cruisers" tournament. Let's just hope these two men can forget about the comedy antics long enough to bring their considerable aerial arsenals out of the closet and give the fans the spectacular match they're most certainly capable of when they try hard enough. The winner earns the right to go on to Birthday Bash, facing Sean Watts for the prestigious title of the "King of the Cruisers!" Sean Watts has informed us that he's got somebody fixed up to watch his back from his corner during the finals at Birthday Bash, and he'll be making a special announcement this Saturday night to reveal to the world just who it's gonna be. SR: It's gonna be none other than the real "Real Deal" Evander Holyfield! Old flea bitten ears was a Cruiserweight once, until he realised that _that_ weight division has all the heat of an arctic explorer's testicles. TD: Evander Holyfield will _not_ be at Birthday Bash, Steve Roberts. And that big main event is likely to take mayhem to levels never before seen in an IIWF ring, ladies and gentlemen. Two four-man tag teams facing each other from across the ring. Six of those men with a score to settle against a fierce enemy on the other side. "Vagabond" Chris Staley, the young man determined to make a name for himself against the deadly veteran Deathbringer, or destroy himself trying. Icehawk, the IIWF Cruiserweight champion, baited into putting his title on the line against Derek Mota at Birthday Bash, then beaten up and made a mockery of in front of an international audience. Tiger Claw, a man returning to the IIWF with a mission of destruction. He betrayed his employer Takezo Musashi, and now the psychotic chaos bringer is burning for revenge. Serge Annis and Rick Williams... uh... they've... uh... well, they've... SR: Heh, heh, heh. Ya just couldn't think of a catchy one for those guys, could ya? Ya just couldn't come up with the goods when the chips were down. It came to the crunch, and you were out to lunch. When the going gets tough, the Dross man gets... TD: That will be quite enough, Steve Roberts. Nonetheless, we have three boiling hot feuds thrown into the blender along with two guys who aren't looking to take a back seat to anybody, all in the one match! What a main event for next Saturday night! Believe me, you can't afford to miss this one, folks. SR: If you don't tune into the show, you're liable to spend your evening getting chatted up by drunken sixty year old spinsters at some dingy singles bar located in the ass end of your town! TD: Don't face the hideous consequences, tune into IIWF Saturday Night, and find out why Birthday Bash will become the most anticipated pay per view in the history of professional wrestling! We're right out of time folks, so this is Tim Dross, on behalf of "Soundbite" Steve Roberts, saying... SR: ...If you can't beat the meat, just hurt the lizard! TD: So long, everybody! [Fade.] +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= I * I * W * F =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-+ | President: Daniel Spreadbury | Vice-President: Gregg Osterhout | | univ0322@sable.ox.ac.uk | ghost@frii.com | | iiwf@sisko.demon.co.uk | | +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- http://www.sisko.demon.co.uk -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=+