[The trumpeting fanfare of the theme from Rocky blares out in spectacular big fight fashion as the Birthday Bash logo rolls majestically across the screen.] VO: Coming your way on Saturday, May 16, the greatest celebration in the history of sports combat. The IIWF, the only name that matters in the world of professional wrestling, ushers in its third year of intensity, drama and bone crunching action with the most spectacular event ever to explode on pay-per-view television. [Abruptly, thunder clouds broil across the screen as the logo fades and the Rocky theme cuts out. Lightning clashes all around, casting a forbidding tone over the proceedings. Dark, tumultuous music plays in soundtrack.] VO: But on the eve of the festivity, the IIWF faces its darkest hour. The most popular champion in wrestling history will step into the ring amid a thunder-cloud of controversy. [Cut to footage of a grim faced Steve Kowalski heading down the aisle as the fans go ballistic.] VO: Should this man be permitted to step into the ring at Birthday Bash? Should he have even been released from his hospital bed? [Cut to footage of a collapsed Steve Kowalski being carried out of the Coliseum on a stretcher, blood trickling from his mouth.] VO: The doctors say no. The IIWF President says no. Even his fans say no. But he just doesn't care. The courage of a warrior beats strong in his heart, and his competitive fire drives him to the most reckless extremes. He vows he will defend his championship gold at Birthday Bash, even if it costs him his career. [Cut to footage of the towering, grim faced figure of Serge Annis striding purposefully down the aisle.] VO: The challenger is not known for his restraint. Will he offer mercy to a weakened adversary? The chances are about one in a million. All he cares about is finally attaining his dream of holding the most prestigious trophy in all of sports. If that means permanently crippling an injured opponent, he won't have a moment's hesitation. [Cut to footage of Serge Annis chokeslamming Creed with pulverising impact, a snarl of rage contorting his visage.] VO: Is this match politically correct? Does it go beyond the boundaries of an acceptable athletic contest? Should it be sanctioned by any kind of authority? Hell no. But nobody can afford to miss the nail biting drama, the punishing action, the iron will to win of a champion as he strives to overcome a deadly adversary, no matter what the odds. [Cut through a rapid montage of action... Steve Kowalski missing a moonsault on Shadoe Rage to land with explosive force upon a concussion mine. Serge Annis executing a double chokeslam on both Kowalski and Brody Thunder. Kowalski blasting Deathbringer into the mat with one last energy draining Skullpump.] VO: On Saturday night, all the questions will be answered. Can Steve Kowalski overcome the incredible odds and walk out of the Coliseum a living, breathing, champion? Or will we witness the passing of the torch, and the devastating end to a blazing career? [Cut to a still image of Steve Kowalski and Serge Annis in profile, staring each other down practically nose to nose. The magnificent golden IIWF championship belt glitters above their heads.] Birthday Bash II, the most incredible anniversary ever devised. Live the history.          .     ___.     __  ____   __  ________      ______          ||\ |/   |   ||     | | ||    | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|          || \|\__ | __||__   | |_||__  | || | \ v  v / | __|          ||  |   \|/  ||     | | ||    |_||_|  \_/\_/  |_|          ||______/|\__||__   | | ||_________________________                 with Tim Dross and "Soundbite" Steve Roberts                                         Tuesday 12 May 1998         ................................................... ["Luv N' Haight" by Sly and the Family Stone plays in a funky, forbidding buzz as we find ourselves once again observing the blue and gold sports panel desk of the "Inside the IIWF" set. Tim Dross, immaculately attired in his dark navy blue suit and IIWF golden logo tie sits alongside an unusually grim faced "Soundbite" Steve Roberts, who wears his standard leather jacket over an old Suicidal Tendencies T-shirt bearing the logo "I Shot the President and I'd Do it Again"... only "Suicidal Tendencies" has been sewn over with a patch bearing the Birthday Bash logo.] TD: Welcome everybody, to the latest edition of Inside the IIWF, your weekly review of all the action, all the drama, all the stuff that matters most in the world of professional wrestling! I'm Tim Dross, and riding shotgun at my side, as always... [Dross takes in a deep breath] The bad funky mamma jamma of all things bizarre and beautiful; the twisted hipster of lateral logic; the sinister minister of your televisual experience... The one, the only... "Soundbite" Steve Roberts! SR: You'd better be careful tonight, baldy. I'm trained in over twelve forms of acidic wit, and right now, I'm not a very happy man. TD: Be that as it may, we have a very special show for you all tonight, as we take a final, exclusive, in depth look at our next incredible pay-per-view event, Birthday Bash, coming right your way in just a few days time! SR: Not if I have anything to do with it. I'm pledging right now, in the name of everything decent, humane and righteous, that I'll put a stop to the outrage that is Birthday Bash and prevent the greatest damn ass-kicker and champion to ever set foot in the wrestling ring from throwing it all away over a clunking, OCP sanctioned cyborg bacon boy like the Surging Anus. Goddammit, to hell with the insurance payments and my back injury, I'll step in the ring and rassle that big moron myself if it'll keep Steve Kowalski safely tucked away in his hospital bed with Nurse Delores! TD: Strong words, Steve Roberts, but as it stands right now, our main event championship match IS scheduled to take place, and there is nothing you, me, the fans or the officials can do about it. The time has come to face reality and recognise that Steve Kowalski will not be deterred from his fate, and that it is his decision as an adult and a champion, regardless of how foolhardy we may perceive it to be, to risk his career by stepping into the ring at Birthday Bash. SR: Bollocks. TD: Before we kick off our preview and analysis, let's briefly run down the results of last Saturday's card! ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|................................................... | || | \ v v / | __| REWIND: |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| IIWF Saturday Night: 18 April 1998 ........................................................................ - The Fabulous Ones and True European Excellence battled the Machines and the Benjamins to a no contest when all eight wrestlers were disqualified for brawling in the centre of the ring. - Jimmy Steele defeated Valtharius the Mad via count out. - Night Patrol and the Black Watch defeated the Natural Predators and the American Dragons via pinfall. - Team Sychosys defeated the Down Boys via pinfall to retain the World tag team titles. - The Baddest Thangs Running defeated Robert Donovan and Steve Sampson via pinfall. - Simon Lebec defeated Timothy N. Turner via reversed decision to advance to the finals of the Intercontinental championship tournament. - Big Greggy Cool defeated "Playboy" Ronnie D via pinfall to advance to the finals of the King of the Cruisers tournament. - The team of "Vagabond" Chris Staley, Tiger Claw, Serge Annis and Icehawk battled the team of "Enigma" Takezo Musashi, Derek Mota, Rick Williams and Deathbringer to a no contest when bedlam broke out in the ring. TD: Eight incredible matches, folks. SR: Except for that one with the Benjamins and some other guys in it. I'd rather be strapped to a chair and forced to listen to Rod Stewart albums at high volume while a dozen porcupines are forced up my ass than watch that match again. TD: It was certainly a night of unparalleled mayhem, each and every wrestler seemingly on a very short fuse with all the tension and excitement surrounding the big pay per view this Saturday. We witnessed more out of control brawling than conventional wrestling action, but with that kind of intensity building in the locker room, you just know how hot the action is gonna be at Birthday Bash. SR: Hell, this ain't "Simon Lebec does the Dallas Cowboys," Drossy. You put a couple dozen guys who've damn near come to go loco as soon as look at one another all in the same building on the same evening and you're bound to see a mighty lot of fightin'. That, as a great man once said, is all the people need to know. We don't need to hype this thing up any more than that. TD: Well said, and with that in mind, let's not belabour the show with any of the stuff you've already seen, and kick it on down to all the scoops you're waiting to hear! ________ ______ | || |\ \ /\ / /| __|................................................... | || | \ v v / | __| PREVIEW AND ANALYSIS: |_||_| \_/\_/ |_| IIWF Birthday Bash: May 16 ........................................................................ TD: Birthday Bash the second is all set to become the most epic extravaganza of wrestling action since Coronation Clash '97, with an unprecedented fourteen highly anticipated matches to be featured on the card. SR: Three highly anticipated. Eleven "run down the pub for a quick pint and an ogle at the barmaid's tits before casually strolling back to watch Tiger Claw and Musashi break light bulbs over each other's heads" material. TD: I can assure you, Steve Roberts, that no drop of brew, not even Dogbolter Dark Lager, and no barmaid's, uh... mammary glands, will be quite as exciting as _any_ of the matches on the Birthday Bash card. SR: You've obviously never been to "Beer and Bouncies" before, Timbo. Me an' Kowalski used to lift pints n' shooters there all the time. Damn, I'm gonna miss that crazy, bar trashing bastard. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ THE BENJAMINS vs. TRUE EUROPEAN EXCELLENCE ------------------------------------------------------------------------ TD: We'll kick off all the action on the free for all with the IIWF's two newest, most promising tag teams, who have... SR: I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked, dragging themselves through the Negro streets at dawn looking for an angry fix, angel-headed hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night, who poverty and tatters and hollow-eyed and high sat up smoking in the supernatural darkness of cold-water flats floating across the tops of cities contemplating jazz, who bared their brains to Heaven under the El and saw Mohammedan angels staggering on tenement roofs illuminated, who passed through universities with radiant cool eyes hallucinating Arkansas and Blake-light tragedy among the scholars of war, who were expelled from the academies for crazy and publishing obscene odes on the windows of the skull, who cowered in unshaven rooms in underwear, burning their money in wastebaskets and listening to the Terror through the wall, who got busted in their pubic beards returning through Laredo with a belt of marijuana for New York, who ate fire in paint hotels or drank turpentine in Paradise Alley, death, or purgatoried their torsos night after night with dreams, with drugs, with waking nightmares, alcohol and cock and endless balls, TD: ...who have built up quite a rivalry here in the IIWF. The newly dubbed "True European Excellence", Robert D'Artois and Reiner Ver Magnussen have already angered many of their peers by claiming, not only that they are unbeatable, but that they are actually undefeated! This, despite the fact that they have already suffered one pinfall loss to the Benjamins, among other teams. The Benjamins have a lot of enthusiasm, although certainly, they are not nearly as experienced or accomplished a duo as True European Excellence. Birthday Bash should prove conclusively whether the Benjamins original victory over the arrogant Europeans was a fluke or not, and that, Steve Roberts, is far more interesting than some Allen Ginsberg ditty. SR: Dionysian abandon, Dross man. Dionysian abandon. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ AMERICAN DRAGONS vs. NIGHT PATROL ------------------------------------------------------------------------ TD: In further tag team action, two teams who are surely jockeying for a top level position on the tag team ladder at this stage of their IIWF careers will clash in a Texas Death match to settle their feud once and for all. The American Dragons, considered the hardest working team in the 'biz, and considering their tireless training ethic and determination to improve their game, that title is not far off the mark, have yet to score a victory over the brutal ex cops, Night Patrol. You have to think that coming into this match, they will be at a distinct disadvantage under such stipulations. SR: I was tempted to wander off for a minute again there, Timbo, but maybe watching two seasoned, perp abusing, suspect slapping bacon boys bludgeon a couple of drag queens around the ring will while away a few minutes. You can bet that Garcia and Blazer have broken up a lot of college parties in their day, whacking college boys across the chops with their nightsticks in order to turn up the marijuana stash that much quicker, and that means that they've got the "putting the beat down on clean shaven, innocent young whelps" thing down pat. TD: I don't think those charges of police brutality on Night Patrol ever actually came off, St... SR: Rodney King will be there! Woooo! TD: No he will not, Steve Roberts. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ THE MEATMAN CHALLENGE ------------------------------------------------------------------------ TD: In perhaps the strangest spectacle yet seen in the IIWF, Jimmy "the Meatman" Steele and Valtharius the Mad will be taking part in a special test of endurance -- the Meatman challenge. Details of this special event remain sketchy, although we have sent Larry Morton on a roving report down to the Meatman Industries, where the challenge is scheduled to take place. We'll see what he's managed to find out. Let's cut to Larry right now. [We find ourselves amid a complex of packing plants and livestock pens, viewed from a central fenced off yard. Larry Morton stands in the middle of it all holding his microphone, apparently staring slightly off camera with a concerned expression on his face.] LM: Don't you find that, guys? Surely I'm not the only one who has looked at Chuck Norris that way before? TD: [over headset, sounding slightly embarrassed.] Larry. Can you hear us, Larry? LM: There is something firm and masculine in his physical presence, yet his azure eyes suggest a surprising capacity for feminine sensitivity. You can tell by the way his hands sensually caress an M-16, that he would never callously discard it for another gun... once it is in his hands, it is his alone. TD: [over headset] Larry! Goddammit Larry, you're on the air! [Suddenly, Morton snaps to attention. The dreamy haze gone from his eyes, he flashes a cheesy grin.] LM: Just discussing some technical camera type stuff with the crew, Tim. Well, here we are at the Steele Family Farm, the designated site of the Meatman Challenge at Birthday Bash. As you can see over here [Larry gestures aimlessly over his shoulder] we have two special pens prepared, one full of chickens placed on a metal grate, the other a mere dirt floor with small dog flaps on the wall. Both are connected to the main processing plant via conveyer belts. We have been able to confirm that these will play an important role in the challenge. SR: [over headset] What sort of a role? LM: Uh... an important one. We've also sneaked into the head office and found a bunch of weird order forms and stuff concerning wolves, cannabilistic pigs, and possibly, several lizards. SR: [over headset] Is that it? Is that all you've managed to come up with? LM: No. There's a tent pitched outside containing a bunch of militant vegetarians from the Khmer Rouge. They have taken Bob, our sound technician, and they're refusing to give him back unless this place is closed down. SR: [over headset] Let him rot. Those are some damn fine steaks they produce in this place. Anything else? LM: Yes. The winner of the challenge will be the first man to grab the Meatman Championship belt after undergoing his ordeal. He'll even get to keep it. [Larry Morton thrusts a strange looking strap right up close to the camera. The base of the belt is made up of interlaced animal bones, calcified and covered with molten iron, then plated with gold. There are three sections. The two side plates are gold and iron plated skeletons of American eagles. The centre panel is a similarly plated boar's head, complete with tusks.] LM: That's about it, guys, feel free to get on with the show. SR: [over headset] You call that a roving investigation? You really are an incompetent, bumbling idiot of a reporter, aren't you, Morton? You're so un-hip I'm surprised your ass hasn't fallen off. LM: Hey, I'm not the lowest paid member of the announcing team for nothing, Soundbite, you merry joking japester you. Heh, heh. [Morton winks an eye, flashes another cheesy grin, and points his finger like a pistol at the camera.] LM: Say guys, do you know anything about Hernial Hypochondrial Phobia? I've been waking up with visions of this strange... [Abruptly, the satellite link is cut off, and we find ourselves right back with the usual "Inside the IIWF" desk.] SR: What a moron. TD: I guess we're just gonna have to wait until Birthday Bash to find out what the hell the Meatman challenge is all about, folks! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ RICK WILLIAMS vs. STEVE SAMPSON ------------------------------------------------------------------------ TD: Could be something of a show stealer at the Bash, when two wrestlers who are known for their advanced technical acumen clash in a special "towel match". Rick Williams, a recent returnee to these shores, despite his undeniable talent, has yet to make a big impact in the IIWF, but a victory over a top notch opponent like Sampson could be the tonic to catapult him into Intercontinental title contention. SR: Sampson ain't nothin' here yet, Dross man. He might have been a whoop ass mamma jamma in junior league, but that doesn't mean he'll be allowed to coast on a big name here in the Double Eye. His ol' buddy Gunnar Gaines had a little bit of that attitude when he first got here, but lucky for him, he wised up fast, knuckled down to business, and got busy with some serious ass kicking. Now I'm not trying to make these foreign guys feel unwelcome, but I just feel it's my duty to make their position clear right off the bat. Right now, a victory over Sampson doesn't mean nothin'. He's got the potential to be a player, but he's gonna have to be extra, extra impressive at the Bash to prove his doubters wrong, and that includes me right now, baby dolls. TD: I'm sure Steve Sampson, and Robert Donovan too, are well aware of those sentiments already, Steve. This match is made all the more intriguing by its special stipulations, and the relationships between the competitors and their cornermen. SR: We're not looking at Turner and Macbeth, Larry Morton and Chuck Norris type relationships here, are we? TD: No, we are not, even though I have no idea what you're talking about. The match can only be won when a towel is thrown into the ring by one of the cornermen, signalling that his partner is unfit to continue. Robert Donovan, an old friend and ally of Steve Sampson, is still scheduled to be in his corner at the Bash, despite the falling out they had last Saturday night. The question is, can Sampson still trust his friend in spite of such events? Will Donovan throw in the towel prematurely, forcing Sampson into a loss he shouldn't have to take? Or perhaps more sinister, will he refuse to throw in the towel at all, maybe putting Sampson at risk of serious injury? SR: I don't fancy Mr. Good Dooby Nice Guy's chances here, Dross ol' buddy. You just don't walk into the ring against a ruthless man like Rick Williams with a guy who no longer gives a damn whether you live or die to watch your back in the corner. TD: Well, we've yet to witness any real solidarity from Williams and Mota, the new Coalition, yet either, Steve. Both men admit they're not exactly the best of friends, and the only reason they're together is to help further each other's own diverging ambitions. That doesn't sound like the most solid of foundations for an alliance to me. Mota has turned around and back-stabbed every ally he's ever had, to my knowledge, and there's no reason to think that he won't do the same to Williams at some point in the future. Williams isn't much above such deeds himself, and he's got to have some suspicions about his partner. This might well be a match in which the competitors keep a closer eye on their cornermen than their actual opponent, and I have a feeling we're not gonna witness a clean finish to this one. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ DOWN BOYS vs. NATURAL PREDATORS ------------------------------------------------------------------------ TD: We'll witness the final match in the "It's Fun To Be Unemployed" tour, as the Down Boys bid a forlorn farewell to the IIWF. I, for one, will miss one of the most entertaining tag teams we've ever seen in this league, but at least we'll be seeing Dan Oliver and Adam Peterson off in fine style, as they clash one more time with the formidable Natural Predators. Both teams are former world champions, and both have come to define tag team wrestling in the IIWF. What a tag team encounter this is sure to be. SR: Do ya think I'm sexy Do ya want my body C'mon baby let me know If you feel you need me Just reach out and touch me C'mon sugar just let go TD: From Ginsberg to Rod Stewart in the blink of an eye. Unbelievable. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ THE FABULOUS ONES vs. THE MACHINES ------------------------------------------------------------------------ TD: We'll be bidding farewell to another of the IIWF's long-standing tag teams... SR: Oh, what a colossal shame. TD: ...when the Fabulous Ones collide with long-standing rivals the Machines. The hatred between these men has become so deeply entrenched, that each feels they cannot bear to share the same locker room with their rivals any longer. Thus, the losers of this match will be forced from the IIWF for good. SR: Will the winners be forced out as well? TD: No. SR: Damn. TD: The war between the Machines and the Fabulous Ones has raged unchecked ever since Sho and Agito first entered the IIWF many months ago. Apparently, there has been something of a history between Sho's girlfriend Bertha and Simon O'Neal... SR: Bertha? Could a chick with a name like Bertha really be good looking? Didn't she set fire to some uppity British men in some dumb broad's eighteenth century novel? TD: ...and the Fabulous One hasn't at all been shy in airing their dirty laundry. We also had Paul Wong's infatuation with Ms. Miki, which actually led to the Machines breaking up briefly. Quite understandably, the bad blood has yet to subside, and thus far the casualty list in this war has reached an incredible level... Two "Countdown" sets trashed, cars smashed up, Mr. Tsuburaya powerbombed from the top of a Jumbotron... unbelievable. SR: Mr. Tsuburaya is currently being re-assembled at the cardboard factory, and will be back to dazzle us all with his charisma shortly. TD: Will you stop?! One thing is for sure, when you're fighting to save your career, you go at it with that much more intensity... SR: It hasn't seemed to affect Larry Morton's efforts any. Or that guy who produces War Room. TD: That was way, way, way out of line, Steve Roberts. What was I saying? SR: I'm not sure, I wasn't paying a hell of a lot of attention. TD: Figures. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ DEATHBRINGER vs. "VAGABOND" CHRIS STALEY ------------------------------------------------------------------------ TD: Newcomer "Vagabond" Chris Staley continues his reckless, determined quest to grab as much attention as possible in the IIWF at Birthday Bash, by locking himself in a steel cage of no escape with Deathbringer for a fight to the finish. This angry young man, despite the sound advice of almost everybody, will have none of that "climbing up the ladder slowly and learning your craft" malarkey. He wants it all now, he wants to start right at the top, and he wants to do it against a former World champion, Deathbringer. As much as I admire the kid's gutsiness, he's gonna have to learn some humility and some common sense if he hopes to survive for longer than five minutes in this game. SR: What the hell, if the kid wants the fight, let's give it to him! Let him sink or swim on his own damn terms. That big masked moron is way over the hill in any case, and you just never know, a hot headed young punk like Staley might just be able to pull off an upset. You might as well go out with a bang rather than a whimper. Just ask Kurt Cobain. TD: Good grief. SR: Hey, that gives me a damn fine idea. I gotta call my contacts in the recording industry. We've gotta get this kid in a studio between now and Birthday Bash. Posthumous releases never fail to hit the charts. Even a no-talent like the Notorious B.I.G. went gold after getting whacked. The Soundbite gots some vision, baby dolls! TD: Good grief. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ THE BADDEST THANGS RUNNING vs. THE BLACK WATCH ------------------------------------------------------------------------ TD: It's "Spin the Wheel, Make the Deal" time as Scottish veterans, the brothers Macbeth take on the feared duo of Gunnar Gaines and Caleb Temple. We've seen little in the way of physical confrontation between these two teams thus far, but the war of words has become quite nasty. All that pent up anger is sure to explode in the middle of ring, and what a roughhouse brawl this match will turn out to be! SR: Personally, I'm hoping the dial lands on the "Grenade Launcher Crocodile Death Match". TD: I'm not sure if there actually is such a... SR: That "Nazi Concentration Camp Torture Match" looks pretty cool as well. TD: Are you quite sure that... SR: On the other hand, there's that old, perennial favourite "The Pecked to Death by Wild Chickens Turkey Eating Armageddon Match." TD: You're just making these up, Steve Roberts. Regardless of what the match stipulations actually turn out to be, I wonder if we'll see the Baddest Thangs Running break their alliance during this one? There have been hints and rumours that Caleb Temple has never really forgiven Gaines for putting him on the shelf all those months ago, and with tensions running high during this high profile encounter, you never know what might turn up, despite the surface solidarity demonstrated between these two men in recent weeks. SR: Well, whatever happens, I just hope the dial doesn't fall on the "Nude Aerobic Gymnastics Match". The thought of Gunnar Gaines' meat n' two veg swaying loose in the wind for all to see is enough to put me off my kebab. TD: That is one image I did not need you to conjure, Steve Roberts. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ TIGER CLAW vs. "ENIGMA" TAKEZO MUSASHI ------------------------------------------------------------------------ TD: Despite the rapid build-up to this already boiling hot feud, there should be no shortage of intensity when Tiger Claw and Musashi clash in a no disqualification, no count-out match. Tiger Claw suggested the stipulations earlier in the week, and the Enigma agreed to them on one condition: that pinfalls and submissions be struck from the cards as well. Indeed, the only way to win this match will be to knock your opponent out for a straight, uninterrupted ten count, fitting the martial arts backgrounds of these two men well. Remember, there will be no count outs, and K.O.s can be registered in or out of the ring, so expect no shortage of hardcore, violent action in this one. SR: Heh, heh. That's the kind of mayhem the "Soundbite" likes to see, baby dolls. Ain't nothing like watching two dangerous, out of control fighting machines beat on each other with barbed wire baseball bats and shearing each other's limbs off with chainsaws. This one will be almost as good as bring your own cucumber night at the Beaver Trap. TD: There is a long and storied history between these two men, who, as much as they both refuse to acknowledge it, have come to rank among the elite group of wrestlers who truly represent the face of the IIWF. Tiger Claw was with us right at the very beginning, and Musashi wasn't far behind. Indeed, except for brief stints in the UWF and the now defunct WCWF, Musashi has competed exclusively in the IIWF ring over his entire career. Thus, this match takes on special significance in the context of the IIWF's second anniversary. SR: Bollocks to ceremony and tradition, the only thing that matters is the fact that we're gonna be seeing some crazy, crazy fighting. Tiger Claw vs. Musashi has been simmering away ever since the Bulgarian feuded with the Syndicate's Hakiro Matsuko all those decades ago, or maybe since Musashi beat out Tiger Claw to win the Cruiserweight title at the original Snow Brawl. I'm surprised these guys could even bear to help each other out not so long ago. TD: I think Tiger Claw was only in it for the money, Steve, which seems to be pretty much the long and short of his stint in the IIWF at the moment. Despite his prestigious history with the Double Eye, Tiger Claw still feels he was given the shaft by the suits during his last tenure, and he really has no respect for anything to do with the IIIWF, other than the money shelled out to him from the company coffers, of course. The word I'm hearing from upstairs, is that the feeling is entirely mutual. SR: Oh yeah! Don'tcha just love these screwed up employer/employee relationships? Dynamite, baby dolls! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ BIG GREGGY COOL vs. SEAN WATTS ------------------------------------------------------------------------ TD: The King of the Cruisers tournament has produced something of a surprising final match up, as two of the underdogs leap ahead of the field to compete for glory at Birthday Bash. Higher profile competitors such as Steven Spector and "Playboy" Ronnie D found themselves handily defeated when up against Greggy and Sean Watts, which just goes to show, you can't always believe the hype. SR: I suspect Greggy may have been motivated by more than just the fame and glory, given that the patrons of his favourite drinking establishment threatened to bar him for life if he didn't come up with the goods. And Watts... well, it just goes to show what you can do when you inhale whole Colombian fields of nose candy, doesn't it kiddies? TD: I'll pretend I didn't hear what you just said, Steve Roberts, and I hope all the folks watching at home will follow my example. The King of the Cruisers action has already brought us an incredible level of high stakes action, so this one could wind up stealing the show, folks! Don't miss it! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ TEAM SYCHOSYS vs. THE PROPHETS OF RAGE ------------------------------------------------------------------------ TD: When Joe Petrow decided to make his partnership with "Mr. Majestyk" Maurice McArthur more than just a part time affair, he stated that he wanted to elevate the IIWF tag team championships to a higher status, as important as any singles title. Unfortunately, however, Team Sychosys have fallen short of the mark, a string of questionable victories and their own comic antics resulting in a loss of respect, more than anything. SR: Well, I'm starting to wonder if Psycho Joe has really got it in him any more, Timbo. All those failed shots at the big strap must be doing his head in, making him a little jaded, a little cynical. Sure, he's still wild, dangerous and creative, but the edge in his game is just missing. I'm all one for the surreal, bizarre is beautiful, but you've gotta have a point to all the weirdness. When Joe first came here, and for a long time afterwards, you knew what he was talking about made no sense whatsoever, but buried deep in all of that psycho babble, there was always a grain of insight and truth that linked it all together and made it worthwhile. You can jump in all the vats of yoghurt you want... hell, I could stand on my head and recite the ritual of the moose right now... but that ain't gonna make you a great champion. That's why David Lynch isn't a genius, and that's why Petrow's head is gonna sink through the bottom of his ass unless he takes a good, close look at the way his career is going right now. TD: As it stands right now, with the apparent cracks in the Team Sychosys alliance, The Prophets of Rage must be considered the firm favourites to walk out of Birthday Bash with the tag team gold. Derek Rage and Dirt Dog Unique Allah have looked exceptionally sharp since returning to the IIWF several months ago, and they could be the team to lead the IIWF's tag division into a new age of prominence. The old edition of the Prophets, the team of Derek and Shadoe Rage, are former World and US tag team champions... can the duo of the Dirt Dog and Derek be as successful? SR: Where, oh where, has the Black Jesus gone? Say he ain't lying in the gutter outside Crenshaw High, a cap in his chest and mud in his mouth. That would really ruin Ice Cube's good day. Even more than Cypress Hill. TD: No count outs or disqualifications will be recognised in this bout, which has got to prove tempting for the ten man "lumberjack" team of fans who are to be stationed in each tag team's corner. Without the threat of a disqualification to prevent them from getting involved, who's to say this match won't descend into a twenty four man donnybrook? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ICEHAWK vs. DEREK MOTA ------------------------------------------------------------------------ TD: Icehawk has not been particular impressive as Cruiserweight champion, not since his spectacular victory over Takezo Musashi to capture the belt at Ring Wars 5. SR: Fluke. TD: That can be blamed at least partially on the excitement surrounding the "King of the Cruisers" tournament, which has captured all the attention of the light heavyweight enthusiasts in recent months. SR: Icehawk getting his ass handed to him in the first round by some guy who used to play bass for Skid Row didn't do much for his rep, either. Hah! What kind of match is that anyway? Gay Finnish Porno Star Man vs. Big Hair Cheesy Metal Man. I wouldn't pay half a Nicaraguan Grushnikel to watch that one. TD: There has also been something of a scarcity of credible Cruiserweight contenders in the IIWF for some time now, which hasn't given Icehawk much of an opportunity to defend his title. The word from upstairs is that the IIWF is currently scouring the globe for new additions to our light heavy roster, so we might see some hot new talent from Japan, or perhaps some of the participants in the King of Cruisers tournament making their full-time debuts in the IIWF soon. Regardless, Icehawk really must defeat Derek Mota at Birthday Bash if he wants his title reign to be acknowledged with any respectability. SR: The gay guy, and I'm not talking Titty N. Turner here, might have pulled off a freak win over a crazy guy once in his life. But I'm damned if he'll be able to beat another crazy guy on two consecutive pay-per-views. Gay guys. Crazy guys. One kind of guy was made for the wrestling ring, the other kind of guy was made for hair dressing. Or fashion design. Or the cosmetics industry. See? Once he's done hosting the gay porn awards on Swedish cable, and after Derek Mota is done enacting amateur surgery on his already [BLEEP]ed up spine, Icehawk will have a whole range of career options opening up before him. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ MARTY WARNETT vs. SIMON LEBEC ------------------------------------------------------------------------ TD: It'll be a battle for the vacant Intercontinental championship, but it'll be a battle for so much more than that when these two long standing rivals collide. Marty Warnett and Simon Lebec engaged in one of the IIWF's most bitter feuds well over a year ago, and nothing was ever really settled between them. You can bet their hatred for one another has never really died, either. LeBec always resented Warnett's rock n' roll pretty boy image, and Warnett has yet to earn himself a measure of revenge for his humiliating loss all the way back in October 96 at Ring Wars II, when, as per the match stipulation, Simon Lebec shaved his head completely bald. SR: I remember when you lost such a match to the Grand Gama back in 1892, and you've yet to recover, Timbo. Care for a spit polish? TD: No, thank you, and that is simply not true, Steve Roberts. It was a controversial finish in both of our semi-final match-ups, perhaps completely deflating the President's hopes of crowning an undisputed Intercontinental champion in the wake of the Macbeth controversy, but instead throwing the IC field wide open to contention. Timothy N. Turner claims that his reverse decision loss to Lebec was all down to his admission of homosexuality... [Steve Roberts immediately bursts into gales of uncontrollable laughter.] TD: Will you stop?! And Warnett was only able to sneak past Shadoe Rage with a reverse decision victory himself. In fact, the championship tournament final could just have easily been announced as Shadoe Rage vs. Timothy N Turner, and there wouldn't have been any less controversy. Whether it be Simon Lebec or Marty Warnett taking home the gold after Birthday Bash, the new champion is sure to have an incredibly tough schedule ahead of himself, as he attempts to prove the validity of his reign against those men. SR: That rough n' ready veteran, Eddy Jacks, has been making some noise about challenging for the title as well. I like ol' Eddy Jacks, Timbo. There ain't nothin' pretentious about him. All he wants to do is get in the ring and mix it up, and that's a fine ambition in a man. I say we get rid of that damned weight limit rule on the Intercontinental belt, which makes absolutely no sense whatsoever anyway, and give the Flapster a go. TD: Well, apparently Eddy Jacks has been campaigning for just that in recent weeks, but we'll have to wait until after the big card to find out just what the officials have planned for that situation. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ STEVE KOWALSKI vs. SERGE ANNIS ------------------------------------------------------------------------ TD: This is the big one, folks, and there's not much more we can say about it that you don't already know... SR: Except for that it won't be happening. TD: Yes it will, Steve Roberts. This has surely become one of the most anticipated championship matches in wrestling history, despite the fact, or perhaps because of it, that almost everybody who calls himself a wrestling fan is extremely concerned as to what condition Steve Kowalski will be in when he comes out of it. We've been updated by the doctors this very morning, and it would appear that, much as expected, Kowalski's condition has not improved notably. He is suffering from disorientation, as was much in evidence last Saturday night, lack of proper focus and memory loss, as well as all the numerous physical injuries we already know about. In short, Kowalski is in no condition to step in the ring, and right now, Serge Annis is looking like an insurmountable favourite to come out of Birthday Bash as the new champion. SR: Yeah, but that big yella' suit suckin', rules pickin', mentally disabled moron won't be winning the title in the ring, he'll be winning it by default, and that doesn't even count. The Soundbite is damned if he's not gonna talk Kowalski out of this whole stinkin' mess and into a hospital bed. Annis can keep the belt warm for a while if that's the way he wants it, but before you can say "Karachel has played so much Dungeons and Dragons he believes he is a medieval wizard" Kowalski will be back Skullpumping that UWF hick-league dumb-ass through the concrete and taking his rightful place back at the top of the tallest mountain in the world, the Double Eye Double Ewe Effin' mountain, and there ain't a damn thing that's gonna change future history. Woooo! TD: It's time to wake up to reality, Steve. We still have no word on just who the special guest referee for the match will be at this time, although speculation is running rampant on the internet, in the magazines... just about everywhere. SR: It's gonna be Cyndi Lauper! TD: No, it is not. SR: It's gonna be Jackie Onassis! TD: I don't think so, Steve. SR: Miles Davis? James Brown? Robert De Niro? TD: No. No. No. SR: It's gonna be that guy who used to have friends in the front office, but now they've all gone away... what's his name... what's his name... used to wear a red glove? TD: Creed? SR: That's the one! It's a lock, I say, a lock! TD: We're all out of time folks, but we'll see you on Countdown to Birthday Bash, and once again at the big card. After that, Inside will be going on an extended hiatus along with the rest of the IIWF, which I can assure you, will make our producer feel much relieved, as now he can go down to the pub at the drop of a hat, keep semi-regular sleeping hours, and live a life of unparalleled mayhem once again... at least for a little while. So remember... SR: If you don't order Birthday Bash, you're liable to spend your Saturday night being amused by your even less interesting friends as they demonstrate their extensive array of cockroach impressions. TD: Very Kafka-esque. Birthday Bash is gonna be so good, you'll want to order it twice for each TV set and watch 'em both at the same time! SR: This is "Soundbite" Steve Roberts, on behalf of baldy over here, saying... what the hell are you gonna do with yourself without the IIWF, huh? Huh? Huh? TD: Goodnight, everybody! +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= I * I * W * F =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-+ | President: Daniel Spreadbury | Vice-President: Gregg Osterhout | | univ0322@sable.ox.ac.uk | ghost@frii.com | | iiwf@sisko.demon.co.uk | | +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- http://www.sisko.demon.co.uk -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=+